#feelingsandvictories

[m0shete1]

Step One: Do a thing

I am going to try to continue to blog the #healthpigreturns saga regularly. Feelings and Victories to follow below. 

Feelings: My friend said he would let me know if he were free to hang after dinner plans on Saturday. Saturday rolled around, I hadn’t heard anything and I was waiting because I didn’t make plans. I texted and he said, “Sorry, he was staying in Jersey.” I responded “Boooo you suck.” I received a “sorry homie.” I replied “You are NOT forgiven.” In my head, it was funny. It has been two days though and I haven’t sent a follow up message. I’m telling myself it’s because I’m actually a little annoyed, but I think I’m more sad that I didn’t make plans for myself and don’t feel like I have anyone to hang out with on Saturday nights. That’s my feeling. I feel lonely. And it’s even more ridiculous because at the time of this conversation, I WAS out with another friend having coffee. But for some reason I’m in a phase where I want to be out late, dancing and drinking and carrying on until the wee hours of the night. Idk. A weird feeling of loneliness and lack of satisfaction. 

I have to sort through that feeling. In the meantime, I will send a text message that says, “Hello Homie.” Or something like that. 

Victories: Today, my coteacher was observed during my favorite class by one of my favorite people at work. She’s super supportive and has been a teacher forever. She knows her stuff.  Today, she gchatted me this message: “ hope you dont think I am stalking you hahhahaha I swear I just happen to be observing all the SPED teachers today and you happen to be teaching with them. You have such a good relationship with the kids I love to watch you teach.” This message made my day. 

State Testing is next week, and to get the kids ready, the school has us do these 1.5 hour sessions in the morning before regularly scheduled classes. This year, I was put in charge of a good amount of the planning. Basically, the entire English Department would teach my lesson to a bunch of kids they don’t necessarily directly teach. It sucks. But today quite a few teachers said the lessons were good. And, they were paced appropriately. My boss will not acknowledge this success as mine. He says, “good job to the entire team.” But. It was me and it’s one of my victories. 

Big victory: Today I did a cycling class at the gym! I felt very dorky walking into the gym, and there are definitely still some things that I do not understand. Lots of machines I can’t use, etc. I think in a few weeks, once I settle into a class routine, I may buy some training sessions. For now, my focus is going to the gym and enjoying the experience. And cycling was fun!  It was no Zumba (which is my favorite thing-- it cracks me up the entire time I’m doing it), but it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was. And I still feel like I got some kind of work out. My sweat was out of control. I’m thinking I will either go back tomorrow, or wait until Wednesday and do a MWTh combo and round the week out with Sunday morning ZUMBA. I also enjoyed just slowly walking on the Elliptical, which is better than what I would be doing at home! 

TL:DR:

Feeling lonely/ dissatisfied and took it out on a busy friend. 

Victory: A person I respect loves to watch me teach and I love those kids I teach. 

I planned good lessons at work. 

I went to the gym. 

[m0shete1]

Quick Journal:

I am exhausted. Work is stressing me out.

But, I went cycling and I believe I had fun (cannot be sure because exercise). Then I ate vegetables and chicken before showering and doing a face mask. These are all good things. It’s important to know what good things are.

[m0shete1]

Jan Something. 11? 14? 15. Thank’s Google.

Today I will discuss why I didn’t do my laundry, Pleasing Terrors, and my aversion to responsibility. 

Feelings: First and foremost, I feel stressed. The state testing madness is getting to be A LOT and I’m sick of it. I don’t like teaching boring test shit, I don’t like making a group of good kids sit through boring test bullshit, I don’t like being the person in charge of organizing the boring test shit for others... It drains my soul to have people ask me questions about a test that’s entire existence upsets me on a moral level. Why are we making kids sit through hours of standardized testing? Why am I being asked to teach to a test that measures NOTHING? It grosses me out to be the vehicle of torture. blegh. Plus, ALL of my prep periods are now full of actual prep. I barely ate lunch today which is very unlike me. (lol)

I also feel a little let down with myself-- I was going to do laundry, and I have not. I just stayed on the sofa. I’m not as tired today as I thought I would be after the gym, and I’m sitting here thinking like, did I really work out hard if I’m not sore? I know that’s all my brain, but I’m feeling the pressure. I took a selfie to see if I drew my eyebrows on evenly (loll- I did not) and it was not a flattering photo. 

Victories: Today, despite the crazy test prep schedule, my classes went well! At least, my 10th grade classes did. My second period class regularly fills me with an intense amount of joy. They are THE BEST. Today, the lesson was not great. As we were going through the Do Now, I realized that without reviewing the previous day, finishing the worksheet wouldn’t make sense. So, we had to trash the plan and try something on the fly. While I was setting up/ buying time, we reviewed the structure of a counterclaim paragraph. We wrote the order on the board and I asked if anyone would be willing to do a dramatic reading while I quickly set up the new slideshow. E suggested that R take us “to Jamaican church” (Both students are of Jamaican heritage). At first, R was enthusiastic, but then when he was standing in front of everyone, he got a little nervous. E came up to support, and the two of them read the notes as if they were in Jamaican church, even holding a fake bible.  Some of the other Jamaican American students got in on the routine and everyone was laughing (but not in a make fun of them way, in an omg this is hilarious way) and enjoying the moment. What I love about them is that they allow each other to be silly or vulnerable, but no one turns it into bullying or negativity. I said, “No phones, no filming, let’s just enjoy this,” and most of them listened (R’s best friend filmed under the desk without me knowing ><). There are always volunteers in that class, always students who are willing to step outside their comfort zone. They make mistakes because they know it’s ok and I love being in that space with them. My current goal is to get my 4th period class to that level by March. 

Other victories: 

I did dishes

I ate healthy-ish. 

I took out recycling (been waiting on that for a week). 

I started a new podcast called “Pleasing Terrors.” It’s like, ghost stories meets true crime. V. cool. 

There are 5 gudetamas displayed in my living room. 

#goals