#fic: lymt

[pantoneyoongi]

i think i loved you more. | kth

title ; i think i loved you more.  you don’t even think about me. 

description ; how could you love me and then walk away?

cast ; taehyung x you

word count ; 3.2k

tracklist ; chilly - niki, fools - troye sivan, consequences - camila cabello, the apartment we won’t share - niki 

tags ; best friends to lovers to exes, angst, it’s literally just angst, anyway surprise!! i didn’t think i’d actually finish this but here we are so i hope u like it 

present 

it would be a lie to say you haven’t thought about taehyung in years. it would be a lie because taehyung crosses your mind far more frequently than you care to admit, occupying his own little corner, sitting so comfortably there that he’s made a home out of it, the kind of thing you wish didn’t feel like such a constant in your life, and yet, it is. 

and while you’re relatively good at pretending taehyung isn’t a permanent facet in your mental inventory, a part of you still knows full well that he loiters. you should’ve fined him six months into it; either he start paying rent or move the fuck on out of your head. 

of course, then, you’d have to admit you never moved on as much as you should have. 

regardless, there are still times when he doesn’t linger in the recesses of your mind, when your thoughts decide to take a break from playing grainy film reels of memories that you can’t seem to burn. photos can be deleted but it’s much harder to erase the sight of his lips slowly curving upwards, until it grows into that big, goofy grin you love so much. 

loved. loved, so much. 

the point being, that for once you weren’t thinking of taehyung tonight. it’s a little difficult to be thinking of past love affairs when you’re too busy trying to find and squeeze yourself into a hoseok-appropriate outfit (how come yoongi gets away with wearing whatever the hell he wants but if it’s you it’s all, ‘i know damn well you can do better than that y/n,’ and ‘i know you did not come to this fancy ass restaurant in jeans y/n’ like? it’s blatant favoritism.) 

by the time you show up to whatever new instagram-aesthetic restaurant hoseok has been begging you to come with him to lately, you’re approximately ten minutes late. by your standards - it’s not so bad. yoongi might not even whine about being forced to wait for you to show up to order something more than drinks. 

(come to think of it, maybe hoseok doesn’t play favorites. you have to wear something nice; yoongi isn’t allowed to start eating without you. all things considered, you pulled the better bargain.)

“fucking finally,” yoongi groans, as you slide into the booth across from him. yoongi never does pass up an opportunity to complain. 

“it’s not even 7:30,” you wave him off. a waiter sets down a plate of calamari in front of you and you raise your brows. “and it looks like you got an appetizer anyway.” so much for waiting for you. 

“that’s because in five minutes they would’ve kicked us out for waiting any longer,” yoongi raises his brows back at you, eyes darting away only so he can gauge when hoseok is finally satisfied with the number of photos he’s snapped. 

“cut her some slack,” hoseok tucks his phone away. “she dressed like a person today. that probably took some time.” 

you stare at him. “that’s it? that’s all i get?” 

hoseok grins. “you’re ten minutes late, i can’t be honest with you or your ego will get too big. if i tell you you look stunning, next time you’re gonna show up twenty minutes late looking breathtaking.” 

“or i could show up on time in a hoodie,” you offer, cackling when his expression flattens immediately, unimpressed with you. hoseok knows you enjoy dressing up, it’s just that you’re too lazy to do it if he isn’t there to badger you about it. 

“here,” he passes you a menu, which you flip open and browse through as he starts chattering on about his day, complaining about how namjoon got on his ass again about something or another at his job. 

“i love him, i do, but that man is anal as fuck,” hoseok gripes, to which yoongi smirks and hoseok narrows his eyes back. lucky for hoseok, yoongi is too busy enjoying his calamari to be bothered to stop eating just to fire off sexual innuendos about hoseok and his love/hate relationship with his coworker. 

you glance around the restaurant. it’s a nice place, as expected given it was hoseok’s choice. it has a bit of an old-timey look, but what makes it stand out is the space carved out in the center, where you spot couples dancing together, or friends dragging each other onto the dance floor, laughter intermingling with the jazzy tune playing over the speakers. 

taehyung would like this place. 

for someone as mischievous and childish as taehyung, he liked jazz a lot. in retrospect it made a lot of sense - the sassiness in the notes, the moments when the music would take a surprise leap in another direction. it suited taehyung. he was whimsical and unexpected, a troublemaker and everybody’s favorite. 

including yours. 

.

.

.

sophomore year of high school 

“miss y/l/n,” mr. kang stops you in the hall. “have you seen taehyung?” 

you blink back at your teacher. “no,” you’re a little baffled why he’s asking you. how are you supposed to know where taehyung is?

mr. kang makes a displeased expression. he grunts. “that kid owes me homework. if you see him, send him my way, please.” 

mr. kang is an older, crankier teacher, but he’s also one of the most lenient. taehyung’s lucky the two of you got him for language arts; anybody else would’ve simply given taehyung a zero on his missing essay and called it a day. that’s all that crosses your mind when you head off, in search of your friend. 

it turns out, mr. kang stopping you in the hallway is the first in a long series of people asking you for taehyung’s whereabouts. you don’t consider yourself stuck to him like glue, but it seems the rest of the school does, the remainder of high school passing with questions of, hey can you pass this along to taehyung? or have you seen taehyung? or do you know if taehyung’s busy this weekend? as if you’re his keeper. but you’re only his friend. no one could ever be taehyung’s keeper. 

you wonder sometimes if anyone ever asks taehyung about you. you know of course the answer is no, because, for one, no one can ever seem to find taehyung in the first place, and two, nobody’s ever looking for you if they’re not already looking for him, anyway. 

you always knew taehyung was a troublemaker, but much like the rest of the school, he had you wrapped around his little finger. he wasn’t exactly the class clown, per say, but he could still upturn a whole class with a few well-timed, choice words, leaving teachers scrambling to get everyone back in order. he had a mischievous streak, but not enough to be considered a bad boy - just enough to have his grades dropping a little more than they probably should have, between the missing homeworks and the crammed studying he did right before his exams. 

but he was a good guy. he was your best friend. he made your goody-two-shoes life just that little more entertaining, and he loved to do just that. the only detentions you ever got were because he was involved in them, but they were far and few between, because taehyung rarely let you take the fall for anything. taehyung might’ve gotten you into trouble - but he also did his best to get you out of it. 

maybe that’s why you loved him. taehyung was balanced in an odd sort of way. or maybe it was just that he balanced you. 

you think maybe because of that you might’ve followed him to the end of the world and back if he’d have let you. 

.

.

.

junior year of high school 

“this is really weird,” you state, staring at the plastic baby in taehyung’s arms. sex ed is fine, maybe a little exasperating to get through considering half the boys in your class can’t talk about sexual organs without snickering or looking much more confused than they really should be, but this parenting assignment? 

this is really fucking weird. 

“i just wish it was cuter,” taehyung rocks the (again - plastic) child in his arms. “there’s no way you and me would pop out a baby this ugly.” 

you choke on your juice. you have never once in your life considered ‘popping out a baby’ with taehyung. your mind does work at quick speeds on a regular basis, but now it’s doing double time imagining a future with taehyung and - unnecessarily - the probable process that is required in order to have said child. 

stop. stop. this is so incredibly off limits. 

when you’re older - and taehyung is somehow yours, for a time - you learn that it’s actually really easy to imagine a future with taehyung. it’s easy to see him in your life for the rest of eternity because taehyung isn’t shy about wanting to spend his time with you. you were fully prepared to pair off with jimin for this assignment but taehyung gave you an offended look and said, “are you really ditching me for jimin?” 

you don’t think there’s anything wrong with jimin, considering jimin is a much better student than taehyung. 

but also it’s taehyung. so he has a point. 

taehyung passes you a napkin. he doesn’t look at you when he says it, but, “is it really that weird to think about?” 

“think about what?” 

he looks up. the smile that taehyung usually has playing on his face at all times is nowhere to be found. “you and me,” he says, softly. 

he looks like he wants to say more, but he stops there, eyes trained on yours. you feel like your heart is simultaneously frozen in your chest and racing at an unhealthy rate, pounding hard against your ribcage. you don’t understand him. you understand him completely. he knows you do. between the two of you, you’ve always been the smart one. 

but then he cracks a grin, unreadable, dark eyes transforming into those familiar, bright ones again. “yeah, you’re right,” he sighs as if you’ve even said a word. “i’m way out of your league.” 

you sock him hard in the arm and relish in his cry of pain. 

.

.

.

senior year of high school 

taehyung falls in love with you first. 

you don’t know it, until you do. until he’s catching you from tripping over your heels at the homecoming dance, both arms secure around you, breath catching because your faces are too close together and it makes him nervous. 

he wants to kiss you, and you can tell. 

he doesn’t. he simply lifts you back upright, cheeks dusted in pink and hands shoved back into his pockets, a teasing remark slipping past his lips that you swat at him for. 

he tells you to slip off your heels - “who cares, y/n? just dance!” and taehyung, like always, is good at convincing you to do anything. 

taehyung falls in love with you first. he kisses you on your doorstep when he drops you home after the dance. he falls in love with you first, and you can tell. 

but you fall in love with him harder, and when you get older, when you’re no longer a teenager in love, when you’re no longer distracted by the feeling consuming your chest, blooming into roses and lilacs and carnations, you’ll wish you weren’t able to tell. 

but you can. 

.

.

.

present

loving taehyung was a lot of things. 

it was secret glances from across the room. it was snickers bitten down, eyes alight with laughter you weren’t allowed to let out because your teachers were frowning down at you. it was those absolutely massive hugs only kim taehyung could give out - crushing you tight against him, leaving you basking in his warmth and that ever-familiar woodsy scent of his. it was screaming when he lifted you clean off the ground to spin you in circles, until he got dizzy and you both toppled to the ground - but taehyung was always careful in making sure you landed on him, a clumsy but soft fall, filled with giggles and crinkled, crescent eyes. 

loving taehyung was wishing he’d have let you go in the same way - clumsily, but softly. 

your eyes wander the dance floor. you spend too much time creating new memories with taehyung that will never happen. no one else knows the way you still wonder what it’d be like to pass him on the street, or bump into him in the grocery store. if he’d smile at you and ask how you’re doing, or if whatever look on his face at the moment would drop and suddenly he’d be unreadable, like he was when he left you. 

but they’re just fantasies. daydreams and idle passings. taehyung is your first love and he was your best friend to top it off. it makes sense that it’s hard for you to let go, even years and various partners after the fact. 

“did you just say seokjin’s having a kid?” hoseok near shouts, yoongi wincing at the volume and rubbing at his ear. 

“yeah,” he grumbles, digging at the food on his plate. “you don’t have to sound so surprised about it. you knew they were trying.” 

you open your mouth to respond, head turning back to pay attention to your friends, when you stop, lips still parted from a sentence that never quite hits the air. 

yoongi notices. he turns in the direction you’re looking, which makes hoseok turn in the direction he’s looking, and both of them immediately quiet. 

taehyung. 

passing fantasies, fleeting memories, all of them scramble in your head and form kim taehyung from across the floor. you were right. taehyung does like this place. 

there’s a girl wrapped around him, dancing with him. you hardly notice her, rather, it’s the way he smiles, eyes alight, mischievous as ever, closed-lipped smile turning slowly into a wide grin. 

he looks happy. it’s funny because it’s been years and you’ve promised yourself you’ve moved on and yet at just the sight of him you know it was wrong to keep him lingering in the back of your mind every day, pretending it’s just a habit from years of knowing and loving taehyung. 

he spins her around and you’re thrown back into a life that no longer belongs to you. he pulls her close and you watch a future you still dream of sometimes crumble into dust. his eyes shine and you feel the wind sweep away the ashes, your heart sinking low in your chest. 

maybe yoongi and hoseok are trying to talk to you. maybe you should pay attention, maybe you should listen, maybe you should react to hoseok’s gentle touch on your arm trying to get you to come back down to earth. but you don’t hear or feel any of it. you and taehyung were years in the making. it’s funny how easily that all went away. it’s funny how years pass and he looks so happy. without you. taehyung is happy without you. 

some part of you is slowly running reels through your mind. black and white and gray - the way taehyung kissed you, the way taehyung spun you in circles, the way taehyung curled up beside you in bed, tugging you close to his chest, murmuring about forever. 

the thing about taehyung is that you always knew he was a flight risk. taehyung doesn’t sit still. taehyung can’t even hold a single topic for longer than five minutes, so maybe it’s your fault for believing he’d love you for longer than he actually did. maybe it’s your fault for thinking he’d hold onto you, settle down with you. 

it’s just - you really thought he would love you enough to stay. 

the other half of your brain is running reels in color - reds and blues and greens, a child, a home, a ring. sometimes it shifts back into black and white, like one of those old-timey films taehyung loves so much, where things were oddly domestic, honey, i’m home - taehyung loved to swing open your apartment door singing those words. 

that apartment is someone else’s now. your furniture is gone. your clothes are elsewhere. his hoodies aren’t mixed with yours. 

it’s funny. it would be a lie to say you haven’t thought about taehyung in years. it would be a lie because you think about taehyung every single fucking day but when you see him across the room, tangled with someone else, you know. 

i don’t think i even cross your mind anymore.

.

.

.

they say there are three types of everlasting loves. 

one. your first love. puppy love, giddy, fresh and young and exciting. clumsy and filled with good intention. and generally never meant to last. but everything is new, everything is a first - and you never really forget your firsts. 

two. the person you will never be able to forget. the person you will probably love most, even if things don’t work out. the person who connects with you in a way that you never thought was possible, someone who aligns right next to you - until they don’t. until life gets in the way. until even loving them isn’t enough to keep things together. 

three. your last love. the person you choose, every day. the person you want for forever, the person who maybe doesn’t light up the kind of sparks you get with your first love, or make you feel the depth that you feel with the person you’ll never forget, but still - they love you, and you love them, and it feels stable. it feels right. it feels everlasting. 

taehyung’s eyes meet yours from across the room and you know there’s no one else but you who would’ve noticed his reaction. the marginal twitch in his expression, the way his eyes flicker in recognition of you. the subtle tenseness he gets in his fingers, the way he has to blink out the memory of you. 

taehyung loved you first. you knew that. you knew it in the way he left roses in your locker or traded lunches with you when you didn’t like yours. you knew it in the way he lost his breath at the sight of you in a prom dress, or how he lit up at the prospect of going to college together. 

but you loved him more. you knew that too. you knew it in the way you suggested living together first, in the way you waited every day for him to come home. you knew it in the way you buried yourself in his clothes when he wasn’t around, in the way you carefully prepared anniversary gifts while he had a tendency to forget. you knew it in the way you were always reaching for his hand even when he was pulling away, knew it when you were the one whispering i love you in the dark when he was fast asleep. 

you knew, because he was the one who left you. 

there are three types of everlasting loves. for taehyung, you’re the first. 

for you, taehyung might be all of them. even if he doesn’t choose you, it seems you never stopped choosing him. 

the world colors itself back in slowly. you don’t know how long taehyung’s eyes are on yours. you just know that he’s the first to look away, a loving smile directed to his partner, a smile that no longer belongs to you. 

the last remaining part of your heart - that was holding on to something you knew wasn’t ever coming back for you - shatters. 

i don’t think i ever stopped loving you. 

[pantoneyoongi]

ayooo that was so sad? hit me right in my feels 💔 oof i think so far this is my favourite thing u have ever written. it was so bitter but in such a beautiful way and the fbs to their younger selves pain :( also u changed ur url i was confused and scared for a moment lmao 😭 the story reminded me so much of right where u left me by taylor. now ill be upset ab this for like a week straight. thank u for writing something so beautiful and bittersweet but so memorable 🖤

omg hello 😊

thank u sm ; n ; also i just listened to the song and tbh i wasn't expecting such a light tune but the lyrics 👀 miss swift did it again 😔

and LMAO omg not for a whole week straight- 😂😂

also yeah i changed my url !! sorry to scare u LOL tbh i've been thinking of switching to pantoneyoongi for awhile now and i finally just went and did it 😃 i'll probably keep this one from now on cause changing all those links for each of my stories took forever 💀

but how are u doing ! is everything alright? hope u are eating and sleeping well and drinking water !! 💕