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clarabosswald · 5 years

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okay so someone on twitter dug up this absolutely outstanding uhhh “”article”” on his dark materials in general and the golden compass movie specifically by one david j stewart and i just. i HAVE to break down at least some of it because it’s an absolute gem

(this is a bit long - there is a LOT of stupidity to cover here)

first of all, the url

i could honestly just end the post here because that line right there is a masterpiece by itself. screw eurovision, hellivision is the next hot thing

There is no movie any more evil than THE GOLDEN COMPASS.

that’s the first line of the article. what a first line. the most amazing thing is that in an entirely different context i can kind of agree with this claim

Philip Pullman is a sinfully proud, God-hating, militant atheist.

militant! oh wow. is the hdm fandom actually pullman’s secret army? like dumbledore’s army in hp? do we have secret meetings? i want in

The movie has been dumbed down

yet again i find myself agreeing with mr stewart

in the end the children kill God and everyone can do as they please.

people having free will? good lord, the horror.

The movie is indescribably evil.

damn dude yet again you’re right but you’re kinda preaching to the choir here at this point

The word "demon" is repeated several dozen times throughout the movie, as each child has it's own lovable demon.

this is the first time in the article that mr david j stewart stubbornly refuses to understand that there’s this thing called “concept” and “artistic license” and that in the context of the hdm world, pullman used his artistic license to change the common meaning of the word d(a)emon. NOT TO MENTION that pullman hardly made up the concept of a daemon as a positive creature - “originally referred to a lesser deity or guiding spirit”, literally the first line in the wikipedia article about the classical concept of daemons. but yeah i’m unfairly expecting mr dave to do his research so i guess that’s kinda mean of me.

Witches by the hundreds are featured in the movie, and are portrayed as being good, helpful and rescuers.

for a moment i wondered what mr dave’s opinion on harry potter is like, but i can imagine it quite vividly.

The star character, a little girl named Lyra Belacqua, loves her demon (who takes various animal forms), and she has named him "Pan" (short for Pantalaimon)

somewhere inside of me, my inner hdm myth fanatic is screaming in rage at all the gross misunderstanding of the basic plot of hdm, but well we’ve got more serious problems here

Pan is the pagan god of sexual rape, lust and fertility. Statues of Pan are often displayed showing him with an erection.

you know what’s EXTREMELY ironic here? pantalaimon isn’t named after that pan. he’s actually named after the greek saint pantaleon. (mr dave now provides a link to his rage fest over narnia. good to know he’s against even blatantly pro-christian fiction.)

NOTE: Pullman uses the word "daemon." A "daemon" is just another term for "demon."

...no, honey, they really don’t, but we already know you didn’t do your research.

In the movie THE GOLDEN COMPASS, there are at least 50 references to a child's "DEMON."

imagine this grown up dude sitting in a movie theater watching a kids’ movie and counting the number of times the word “daemon” is said dkgsdaoighs

In one part of the movie, a missing boy (Roger Parslow) is found, but he is out of his mind and looks distraught because his DEMON has been taken away from him. Talk about twisting the truth around. The little girl who stars in the movie, Lyra, vows to find and return the boy's demon.

aslkdghsaodigho yeah this guy was definitely too busy to count “daemons” to actually pay attention to the plot

Pullman is hoping that unsuspecting parents will take their children to see the movie

no i actually think that at this point pullman didn’t want anything to do with the movie

The title for the trilogy comes from a line in John Milton’s Paradise Lost and Pullman views his trilogy as a re-telling of Milton’s poem (which means that His Dark Materials is in reality Pullman’s re-telling of the Genesis story in fantasy form)

no, not really, not as literal as that, but artistic subtleties seem to escape you quite frequently, my dear dave

In the trilogy, a young girl becomes enmeshed in an epic struggle against a nefarious [extremely wicked] Church known as the "Magisterium."

iooisadhgosdiahgosa i LOVE how dave made the EFFORT to explain the meaning of “nefarious” to the reader

Pullman's books are a work of darkness that every Christian needs to diligently expose (Ephesians 5:11)

damn dude can you believe hdm got so popular it’s referenced in the bible

America was founded upon faith in God, and the Communists are trying to rob it from our children

kefhsaoidgsdoh COMMUNISM CONFIRMED

at this point in the article mr dave finally decides it’s time to talk about the story of the golden compass in mere two paragraphs. spoiler: the first paragraph is yet again dedicated to anti-pullman ranting. so much for that plot summary.

In the books, Pullman represents God as a decrepit and perverse angel who captures the dead in a “prison camp” afterlife.

damn the dude says he’s gonna talk about the plot of the golden compass and then goes ahead and spoils the amber spyglass just like that. where are your internet manners, dave

The story centers on Lyra, a young girl living at Jordan College in the Oxford of an alternate world where everyone is accompanied by a daemon, a physical representation of their soul in animal form.

this is the ONE time dave refers to daemons as what they ACTUALLY are. but i suspect he just copy-pasted this bit without actually reading what is said in it.

One morning, Lyra's school Master

yet again someone was too busy counting words then remembering the plot/characters

Lyra then finds herself in a world where she must fight against evil, and here lies the controversy. Lyra is the "chosen child" who must do battle with evil. But in this story, the things that are good are evil (the church is the Magisterium, the bad group trying to gain control of all) and evil is good (daemons and witches are allies.)

it’s almost...... as if......... it’s somewhat........... symbolic.......... you know, that artistic device? symbolism? yeah? no...?

our darling dave then links to this piece as the source of his info on the plot of tgc and god that’s a whole nest of wasps i can’t even begin to deal with here. but it’s p entertaining how in only briefly reading the thing i can already recognize whole sentences who got copy-pasted by dave for his own magnificent piece of critique

Satan's Bid for Your Child

oh, WHAT a title for the next segment of the article. i’m hooked

Even though the books are strongly anti-God and anti-church, they’re getting a strong push in the godless public school system as curriculum resources. First the God-hating Communists introduced the lies of Evolution into the public school system. Then they kicked God's Word and prayer out of the public schools in 1962 and 1963. Now they want to teach our children homosexuality and witchcraft.

communism! evolution! homosexuality! witchcraft! god, i’m trembling

dave goes on for a while without mentioning the movie again, just ranting against the world in general. parts of it are still amusing, though:

Evolution is in fact a religion, as is humanism, witchcraft and Satanism.

yeah man i miss it when in school we used to pray to darwin every morning before class started :(

It requires faith to believe Evolution because there is NO proof, or even evidences to permit study. It is tragic that young people today are being taught a theory that has NO proof whatsoever. In sharp contrast, the Word of God is supported by an overwhelming abundance of scientific, historical, archeological and astronomical evidence.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD. WOW!!!!!!!!!!

Public school children are being taught religion; but it's the religions of Humanism (i.e., man is his own god), Evolution, New Age and now Demonism.

are daemians aware that daemonism is being taught in public schools as a whole ass religion??? damn

With the rise of the New World Order since the 911 attacks

holy shit dude dave is diving deep into the waters of conspiracy at this point

Surely Satan is already panicking, knowing that he must accomplish much in a very short time frame. This explains why we see a flood of demonism, witchcraft and apostasy sweeping the world in an effort to destroy Christianity. Have you heard about the new FLY Pentop COMPUTER for kids, which features witchcraft? Did you know that Toys-R-Us sells a VooDooz doll for children? It comes complete with a spell book, and pins to stab your VooDooz doll with. I was at Barnes and Noble bookstore and saw a Teenage Witchcraft Kit.

THIS DUDE IS FUCKING WILD i imagine he started yelling at some poor employee for having witchcraft in that store

Doesn't anyone love God anymore?

this is sad.

The Bible condemns all forms of witchcraft—Voodoo, charms, spells, divination, incantations, palm readings, Ouija boards, psychics, witchery, sorcery, wizards, magic, potions, good luck charms, astrology, necromancy, spiritism, magic candles, mesmerism, hypnosis, astral projection, levitation, and anything else that invokes the power of Satan.

he actually............went through the trouble of listing all of that. from memory, no doubt

WE’RE BACK TO THE GOLDEN COMPASS AT LAST LADS

Instead of presenting the trailer on the homepage, The Golden Compass website uses audio to introduce the characters of the film and their respective demons, and then provides a prompt to "Meet Your Demon." Twenty questions are presented which promise to reveal "your true character and the form of your demon." Once you complete the questionnaire, you can send your resulting demon to your friends, presumably to build a community of young demons who will all later commune at the theater. This is pure Satanism and it's being directed at our children. Satan wants your child. The Golden Compass series glorifies demonism, witchcraft and divination; while blaspheming God Almighty.

Satan Wants Your Child

In the movie THE GOLDEN COMPASS, children are being kidnapped by a mysterious group called the Gobblers and taken "to the North" where they are tortured by having their daemons separated from them. This is the Satanic garbage that film producers and book publishers are vomiting upon our children. Towards the end of the film, the starring little girl deliberately destroys the machine that was robbing children of their daemons. Literally, the movie portrays the little girl as a hero for ensuring that all the other children can continue to be daemon possessed. This is one sick movie, straight out of the pits of Hell.

it’s fucking ASTOUNDING how this paragraph could straight up pass as magisterium propaganda

How about you? Our time on earth is short my friend. This life will be over before we know it. Is your heart right with God? Are you saved? Have your sins been washed away by the precious blood of Jesus Christ?

this dude got so fucking emotional over one bad movie he grossly misunderstood i am INSPIRED

our dearly beloved dave now goes on to quote yet another highly reputable source on the evil of the golden compass

"His Dark Materials" by atheist Philip Pullman

is “atheist” a title at this point? now that pullman is a sir, do they call him “atheist sir pullman” or “sir atheist pullman”?

Unsaved Heathens and Apostates Praise Pullman's Works of Darkness

do i get to officially call myself “unsaved heathen and apostate” because that’s one rad fucking title

Satan truly is the god of this world (2nd Corinthians 4:4), and he has many servants.

this is such a confusing fucking statement. how can satan be the god of this world if there is only one god? or two, because there is god and there’s also jesus? god i don’t know christianity never made any sense so this statement isn’t actually that surprising

Why would any professed "Christian" support Pullman's works of darkness, which he admittedly calls HIS DARK MATERIALS?

esteemed article writer dave is unaware of the existence of the concept of “references”

Sadly, ChristianityToday magazine promotes this vile filth, giving it a rating of 2 1/2 out of a potential 4 stars. I give the movie a ZERO rating, and so should you if you love the Lord Jesus Christ!

yeah guys! we must purify this dirty world by giving bad ratings to hollywood movies! this is the only way to show jesus our love and devotion!

Movie writer-director Chris Weitz has said he wants to make the next films more "iconoclastic," so consider this bit of sacrilege a taste of what is yet to come. The word "iconoclastic" means "Characterized by attack on established beliefs or institutions." In other words, the sequels to The Golden Compass are going to blaspheme God and attack Christianity much worse than the first movie.

man.... chris had good intentions. too bad new line fucked him over with how bad they butchered the movie in post-prod.

If we don't complain, then who will... the atheists?

this line is so confusing and meaningless and yet so timeless and iconic. wow

The Golden Compass is a Sicko Movie

i can’t breathe this sounds like an early 2000s compliment coming from a middle school bad boy who does tubular tricks on his skateboard

For Pullman, sexual experience is an essential part of becoming a full-grown human, despite the confusion and pain it can cause.

HOW IN THE FUCK IS THIS CONTROVERSIAL OR WRONG FOR NON-ACE PEOPLE KADSH;GOIDAGSDKJG

Children Using Divination to Confirm Guidance from Demons? "Lyra tries to consult the alethiometer to see if the daemons are right.”

Things Taking Wildly Out Of Context Making No Sense?

Kill God?

after reading this torturous rant? yes absolutely. next

Of course the idea in a trilogy is to read the second and third books, and not just the first. Naturally Scholastic is selling nicely packaged boxes of the trilogy.

i love how dave felt the need to explain to us how trilogies and bookselling work. what a sweetheart

Blasphemy! Children are being taught that killing God is quite a desirable thing to do.

will anyone ever understand that WILL AND LYRA NEVER INTENDED TO KILL GOD, AND WHEN GOD DIED IT WAS BY MISTAKE AND MADE THEM UPSET AND SAD? i mean this guy won’t, but people who actually read the books???

God and the Church Are Awful and Pathetic?

dave at this point in reading your rant i hate the whole of christianity. yes. next

Summoning Witches? “Serafina and her witches decide that they need to summon other witch clans....”

Mr Dave Is Unaware That The Word “Summon” Has Got Several Meanings

“He is so weak and old that he blows to bits with the first breeze, but his dissolution comes as a relief. It is as though God does not want the burden of leadership. In the end, Will and Lyra don’t kill God. Instead, they free him, and he becomes one with the universe again. The fact that God dissolves just like the newly freed ghosts suggests that perhaps God is simply the spirit of the living.”

i love how dave quotes this whole bit - ACTUAL GOOD ANALYSIS OF GOD’S DEATH IN HDM - without absolving any of its meaning

Conclusion The Golden Compass is evil.

i love this

children today are being challenged to hate Christianity, and are being invited to join ranks with the Devil's army.

damn i totally missed that bit about joining satan’s army in hdm

All we hear about nowadays is how religion throughout the ages has caused wars and suppressed people's rights.

it’s almost as if it’s true!

Increasingly, children today are being brainwashed to view Christianity as a power-hungry "MAGISTERIUM" (i.e., the evil organization in The Golden Compass), which seeks to suppress the rights of homosexuals, Wiccan witches, Evolutionists, abortionists, feminists and other degenerates of society.

WHAT a sentence!!!!!

The grave danger of Harry Potter and The Golden Compass

that sounds like one hell of an au

Christians are commanded not to associate with any professed Christian who is a drunkard, chases women, lives for money or lives in unrepentant sin.

and yet donald trump is president of the united states! go figure, davey

Public school children are being taught that the sin of homosexuality should be accepted; BUT, God says "No." Now you know why homosexuals hate God's Word so much.

we’re almost at the end of the rant and dave didn’t reference balthamos and baruch even once and i feel ROBBED

Women in the 1960's embraced feminism, because they were told (just as Eve) that the higher powers were trying to suppress their rights. Satan lied to Eve, thus creating a sinful power-struggle between her and God.

damn why won’t women just understand that men are like god :\\\

Satan is recruiting. Satan has a bid for your child mom and dad, and he will stop at nothing to recruit your child's soul.

gotta admire the determination there

Again, The Golden Compass is evil. It is not just a fantasy for children. The author of the series (Philip Pullman) is a militant, God-hating atheist who has openly stated that his goal is to "undermine the basis of Christian belief" in the mind's of children.

dave decided that the best way to end his rant is to quote a line that already appeared in the text at least 2 times before. man, if you ever think you’re a bad writer, remember that at least you’re not as bad as this dude.

moral of the story is: dave probably needs some sleep. and professional help

#his dark materials #the golden compass #god you gotta love the internet

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