#fireflyxrebel ily this is for u

[bluerene]

river, part four [starx]

whew, okay, I’m home, it’s late, but I’m putting this out anyways. Linking parts one, two and three, aaaaaand dividing this chapter up a little bit because formatting and length were bothering me. Next chapter should be up by Tuesday night. I work both jobs back-to-back tomorrow so no chances of updates then.  As always, all my love for @fireflyxrebel who literally inspired this whole thing and is practically the only reason I wrote it (the other being a sad lack of StarX content and my need to change that).

Let me know what y’all think! 

bless <3 

blue

Friday didn’t go by fast enough. I woke up and called in sick to work, first thing, intent on decrypting the files I’d stolen the night before. Made myself some eggs and toast, turned on the TV for morning news, set up my laptop, and plugged in the flash drive. Well, no, not true - I burned the toast, forgot to replace the batteries in the remote, and tried to set up the drive incorrectly. Twice. I was distracted. I had a date in twenty-six hours and nothing was ready.

I wasn’t sure why I was so nervous, or why I was so invested in making my time with her perfect.

It didn’t help that I hadn’t stopped thinking about the kiss since it happened.

The thing about fireworks erupting in the background and angels singing is complete bullshit, by the way. There’s nothing earthshaking about it. The kiss didn’t send me to the heavens and back. It just felt right. There was this feeling of comfort that gripped me. She was warm and lovely. Her mouth moved agonizingly slowly against mine. It was torture and bliss and everything I imagined it would be.

And then it was over. She ended it, blushing as she unwound her arms from around my neck. Starfire stammered something about seeing me later and backed away, before shooting into the air.

I waited to hear the tell-tale raven’s call that so often signaled their departure, before teleporting back to my room and flopping onto my bed.

Needless to say, I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I drafted the same text about fifty times, hoping to engage her in conversation.

hey babe. Gross, delete.

that was some kiss. Too forward, she’ll get skittish, delete.

i had a really nice time last night. Where’s the charm? Delete.

i can’t stop thinking about you. It’s not a lie, but it might freak her out. Delete.

saturday, 11 am, key cove. see you there. A little dull, but it’s effective. Sent.

So yeah, stressful evening. Nervous morning. Once the files were finished loading I focused on combing through them. I didn’t like what I saw.

There were blueprints and notes, pdf versions of hastily scribbled equations and messy theories. Plans for some kind of incubation chamber. A complex formula for what appeared to be a chemical virus that could eradicate mutations in DNA. Footnotes that listed the unpredictable factors that could occur, and the ones that had occurred in test subjects.

Where they saw the likelihood of medical innovation, my clients would see the potential for biological warfare.

Shit.

I disconnected the flash-drive and wiped the files from my laptop, initiating a self-diagnostic run to sweep for any bugs that may have come with the folder. Not good, not good at all. The trade was supposed to go down later tonight. There wasn’t enough time for me to come up with an alibi or skip town.

I grimaced, already imagining the beating I would take for backing out of the exchange.

Fuuuuuuuck.

Laptop was clean, so there was a silver lining. I still had to destroy both drives and set some sort of trap for the meetup. I needed that money. I wasn’t going away from this without it.

There was a beep coming from my bedroom, which meant my burner phone had received a message. I put my laptop away and shoved the flash-drives into my pocket, curious as to who had contacted me.

12:34 pm - unknown: bring the drives tonight @ 2 am, 811 lilac rd, construction zone. we have the money.

I knew better than to respond.

My cell rang not long after, and for a moment, I was struck with the fear that they’d somehow gotten my private number and figured out who I was and where I was staying.

But the ID was different. I couldn’t help but grin as I lifted the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Oh...Red X?” Starfire confirmed, sounding a bit taken aback.

“The one and only, cutie.”

“Your voice is different.”

“I don’t live in the suit,” I replied, amused by her curiosity, “why are you calling?”

“I would like to see you tonight.”

Ahhhhh, no, beautiful, we can’t do that.

“I thought you couldn’t sneak out at night.”

“It will be difficult, but I believe I can make it work. If it is convenient for you,” she added hastily.

It really wasn’t, but how could I tell her that?

“Not a problem,” I said smoothly, “meet me at Key Cove tonight, whenever your patrol gets done. Wear something comfortable.”

“Very well. I shall see you then.”

“Sounds good.”

“X? Thank you,” she said softly.

I hung up without another word.

It was not turning out to be my day.

I took a couple of deep breaths and set my phone down, thinking hard about what I was going to do. As far as the date went, I had most things prepared. There was an Italian restaurant down the road, a little bistro called Vinum Domum. It was locally owned by an elderly couple, who were more than happy to offer me a free meal on account of the fact that it was for a date and I apparently needed all the help I could get.

Patrols usually ended between nine and eleven, depending on the route taken and the amount of crime occurring. Jump had a fairly quiet night-life. Starfire would probably show meet me around ten. I’d take her to the planetarium, we’d have a nice dinner, watch the movie I’d selected, hopefully kiss again, and wrap up just in time for me to make the deal. I had enough hours before to try and edit the files so that they were missing the doomsday parts. It would be shitty, and probably a bit obvious that I’d tampered with the drives, but it was significantly better than handing over Jump City’s death certificate.

Plan set, I put it all in motion.

I called Rosalie and Pietro Alexander right away, requesting a bottle of cider and two meals for pick-up in the evening. They made me swear to bring her by the restaurant the next time I had the chance. I laughed, trying not to entertain the idea because if I did, it would be stuck in my head forever.

I retrieved various things from around my apartment - a couple of blankets and pillows, plates, cups, utensils, the DVD I was planning on playing, popcorn, candy, and a pack of battery-operated candles. Stuffed most of it into a bag and set aside the rest to load onto my motorcycle when it came time to leave.

I worked on the files for a couple of hours. Chopped up the uglier parts, patching it up with glitching copies that (hopefully) looked like a virus had eaten away at the documents. I redacted portions of the formula, fiddled with the numbers. Deleted a couple of footnotes, added a few that emphasized the unpredictability of the science and made the data look less reliable. I kept enough information to satisfy them but removed enough to keep people safe. That was all I could really do.

I showered at eight and got a little dressed up. Black fitted jeans and shoes, a maroon button-down, an old woven bracelet that belonged to my mother around my wrist. Packed the Red X suit into the bag I had already filled, keeping the mask and belt ready for use.

All that was left was for me to wait, and I did.

An hour later, I got her message.

10:12 pm - unknown: i will see you shortly

Okay, fuck.

It was now or never.

-

Raven was quick to notice the scarlet blush I was undoubtedly wearing but knew better than to comment until we were safely in the confines of her room.

We teleported to the common room, where Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy were still waiting.

“All good?” Robin asked, rising from the couch.

Raven shrugged, sparing me the trouble of responding.

“Didn’t catch him, he was long gone by the time we arrived. Nothing was stolen, but the security officers received an alert that the main lab was breached so there’s a chance some research may have been copied.”

Robin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “okay, we’ll have to deal with that later. Thanks, guys.”

He was rarely so collected when an instance like this occurred. I couldn’t help the warmth that filled me when he turned my way.

“You okay, Star?”

“Hmm?” my blush deepened as I realized what he was asking, “oh, yes, I am the o and the k.”

“Lookin’ a little flushed, princess.” Cyborg teased, nudging Beast Boy with a grin.

“I am simply tired. I would like to turn in for the evening,” I replied in my most dignified tone.

“Good idea, I vote we all do it,” Raven said.

Beast Boy raised an eyebrow, “it’s not even midnight.”

“You could use the beauty sleep,” she shot back.

I giggled behind my hand, grateful for her ability to distract while I composed myself. Cyborg laughed loudly while they bickered, which had become rather frequent as of late. I believe all of us were waiting for them to ‘kiss and make up’, as Cyborg so often told them.

“Guys,” Robin interrupted, shaking his head, “it’s late. If you’re tired, go to bed, if not, make sure you lock the tower down before you leave the common room.”

“Sure thing, Dad.” Beast Boy replied, flopping back onto the couch.

Robin grumbled under his breath and cast me one more glance, before turning and exiting the room.

Raven curled her fingers around my wrist and tugged gently, “we should talk.”

“I believe that would be prudent,” I said, following her into the hallway.

She pulled me into her bedroom and onto the floor, crossing her legs and looking at me expectantly.

“Well?”

I touched my fingers to my lips and smiled faintly, “he kissed me.”

The lights flickered and Raven’s eyes flared for a moment.

“What?” She asked in a dangerously quiet voice.

I explained that I had messed with his belt and arrived at his home, where we had a short conversation.

She waited until I was finished speaking, her mouth pressed in a thin line by the end of my narrative.

“So you guys are dating?”

“We are going on a date,” I corrected, “it may not lead anywhere.”

“But you kissed.”

“Yes.”

“And you enjoyed it,” she confirmed.

I blushed, “surprisingly, yes, very much.”

She leaned back on her hands and sighed, “wow, okay, that’s a lot.”

“I do not mean to burden you-”

“It’s not that,” Raven reassured me, “it’s just...what about Robin?”

My heart fluttered, my stomach churned, my head ached at the sound of his name.

Raven’s eyes widened as I let my emotions flow through me, “I see.”

“Indeed,” I murmured, “my feelings for Robin are complicated. They are still there. I do not think I will ever be rid of them. But Red X makes me feel...desired. Powerful, even. He sees me differently.”

“I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how terrible of an idea this is?”

I smile, “I am well aware of the repercussions at hand, Raven. I will be discreet.”

“Azar, I hope so,” she muttered, allowing a half-smile to quirk upon her lips, “If this is what you want, I have your back.”

I squeezed her hand gratefully and stayed with her for a little while after, eager to chat about her developing relationship with Beast Boy. She kicked me out of her room shortly after, advising that I go to sleep, warning me that it would not come to me easily.

She was correct. I tossed and turned, contemplating various messages I could send him. Nothing came out of it, except for a single, full thought - I wanted to see him soon.

Just as my eyes gave way to heaviness, the sound of a message pinged from my phone, jolting me awake.

3:26 am - unknown: saturday, 11 am, key cove. see you there.

I bit my lip, thumbs hovering over the digital keyboard. X’hal, how could I possibly wait another day and a half? I could barely make it through this night, let alone another.

If I could establish a means of escape, I could attempt to see him tomorrow.

I opted to set my phone aside and try to sleep. I hoped the next morning would bring some clarity.

I continued to fret quietly for an hour, recalling the kiss over and over in my mind until it was seared in place.

I had never been kissed properly. The others might tell you they witnessed it in Tokyo with the boy on the street, or when I assimilated Atlantean from Aqualad, or when I first met Robin, but that is not true. Language transference, while not unpleasant, does not evoke any enjoyment from me. It is a skill I have used many times with many beings, regardless of how I might feel about them.

But kissing was different. It was not the hard connection between unmoving mouths, guided by a tight grip on the person’s shoulder or neck. There was no rush of thought, no compounded headache as a side-effect.

It was much softer and gentler, like the first kisses I saw so often in films and on television.

One of Red X’s hands had found my waist while the other held my wrist, rubbing circles on my skin with his thumb. His mouth moved sweetly against mine, coaxing movement from my frozen state.

I tugged my hand from his grip and wound my arms around his neck, sliding my fingers along the bottom of his mask to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He squeezed my hips and pulled me closer, drawing a squeal of surprise from my lips. He deepened the kiss, shaking with silent laughter at my enthusiasm.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was not the time, nor the place. Reluctantly, I drew back, stumbling through a goodbye before darting into the air, fighting the urge to look back at him.

I felt angry with myself afterward, for too many reasons. Angry because in a way, I had betrayed Robin. Angry because I had let it go farther than I intended. Angry because somewhere, I knew with full certainty, Raven was correct. Somewhere, something in me had attached itself to Red X. And I was happy because of it.

I slept fitfully through the night, coming in and out of lustful dreams that left me flushed and nervous and exhausted. I was no stranger to these feelings, but with Robin I felt in control, certain of the boundaries and lines we had drawn, comfortable in our established relationship. Now, every rule I had given myself had vanished. I did not know where X’s feelings stretched or where his walls were built; I did not know where he felt comfortable being touched or what he saw in me. It was unexplored territory, and it ignited a delicious fear in me that I could not help but enjoy.

Now, I suppose this was a side-effect of the many romance books I indulged in, where heroines had their hearts stolen by handsome thieves as they were rushed into a whirlwind love story. It was an idea that I found both charming and delightful on so many levels.

I woke when the first rays of sunlight peeked through my curtains. I opted to stay in my room and observe the sunrise on my own. Robin usually liked to join me on the roof most mornings, but I could not bear to be around him while I was feeling so guilty and confused and struck with the love.

Not that I was in love. But I have learned, despite what the phrase implies, that you do not have to mean you love something just because you say you do.

Once dawn had fully broken through the clouds, I considered going back to sleep, but I was too restless to crawl into bed. So I began the day.

I selected some casual garments from my closet - a pair of cropped running pants, a bright purple sports bra with black straps, and a soft blue zippered sweatshirt - and changed out of my sleepwear. It seemed like a pleasant day for a run around Titan Island. Perhaps I could practice training in the simulation hall. I felt charged by the sun, my fingertips tingling with unspent energy.

Quietly, so I would not disturb the others, I slipped out of my room and made my way to the stairwell that led to the rooftop. Robin did not usually linger there unless I was also with him.

I spent a few hours outside. I have always loved the cool taste of the air, salted by the sea breeze. I dove from the tower and allowed myself to fall until I caught onto a large gust of wind and flowed in its direction. I twisted and turned through the air, pushing myself to go faster until everything around me blurred into unfamiliar shapes.

My communicator beeped loudly from my waist and I stopped immediately, hovering in the clouds while I flipped my device open.

“Raven?”

“Starfire, where are you?” she asked impatiently, raising a hand to quiet someone beside her.

“I went out for a morning flight. Why?”

She sighed and shook her head, “Robin got worried when you didn’t join him on the roof this morning. And you weren’t at breakfast, and your communicator indicated you were in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.”

I blushed, averting my gaze, “I may have flown farther than I intended. Please do not worry, I will return shortly.”

“You know,” Raven said quickly, before I could hang up on the call, “Things will never be the same between you two, but you should probably talk to him. Avoiding an issue doesn’t make it go away. He’s starting to feel like he’s losing you.”

“You cannot lose what you never had,”  I said, smiling sadly, “I will see you soon.”

I did not rush back to the Tower. An ugly feeling had settled in the pit of my stomach at the prospect of seeing Robin, who would undoubtedly be frustrated and concerned for my well-being. Raven did the lessening of the situation when she explained it to me - she would only ever call to check on me if something serious motivated her.

I let myself drop lower, nearer to the surface of the water, and dipped my hands in, enjoying the cool after-splash that followed. I spied a trio of dolphins surfacing in the distance, their glistening fins cutting through the rippling sea before they burst through the blue.

I sighed, envious of their freedom. To be with the one you wanted, free to go as you pleased, unburdened by who you might hurt, or who you already have.

I knew I could not delay the inevitable for much longer.

I landed on the rooftop of the tower almost thirty minutes later and hurried to the common room, biting my lip as the doors slid open.

Raven and Robin were in a deep, seemingly heated conversation at the breakfast table, while Beast Boy and Cyborg were cooking something at the stove, their backs turned to me.

I plastered on a cheerful smile and threw my hands into the air.

“Good morning friends!”

Robin’s head snapped up at the sound of my voice, his expression alarmingly blank.

“Good morning to you too, lil’ lady,” Cyborg said with a grin, “where have you been?”

“I merely went for a flight. I apologize, I did not mean to travel so far.” I said, smiling back, “I hope I did not cause any of you concern”

Robin pushed back his chair and stood up.

“Don’t worry, Starfire, you didn’t.”

I dropped to the ground, abandoning all pretenses of happiness as he stalked past me.

“I’m not very hungry, Cy. Got work to catch up on,” he said loudly.

The doors slid shut as soon as he exited the common room, and I felt three pairs of eyes lock on me.

I slid into a seat at the kitchen counter and sighed, resting my chin against my fist.

“He is angry,” I murmured.

Cyborg and Beast Boy exchanged a glance.

“Well, y’know, Star, you’ve been kinda weird around him lately,” Beast Boy offered, rubbing the back of his neck, “he’s probably just worried about you.”

“Is everythin’ okay between you two?” Cyborg asked, touching my shoulder.

I wanted to laugh. Things had never been less okay or more uncertain with Robin and I. I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about where things were headed for us. And worse, the guilt I had felt when I kissed Red X was fading, vanishing so quickly it was as if there had only ever been happiness.

I did not tell Cyborg this. I promised him things were the O and K, and that I was the same, and we would be as well. I excused myself from breakfast quickly and hurried towards my room. I could hear heavy, angry grunts from the gym when I passed it, and the muffled sound of fists attacking a weighted bag. Robin was undoubtedly in there, forcing his fury out in a way that would protect him. I lingered by the doorway for a moment, recalling all the times when I pulled him away from his training or studied his movements with undisguised admiration.

Now it is easy for me to float by, barely sparing a glance as I catch the shadows of his form in the pale lights. This is what it feels like to bury your love so deep it cannot break from your chest. I wonder if this is what Robin feels when he glances at me, in all the moments he thinks I have not noticed his attention.

X’hal, what was I doing to myself? It was not fair to me or Robin or Red X. I could not continue to pine for one boy while tempting the other. It was not right.

The pit in my stomach grew heavier.

-

NEXT: what’s up with Starfire?, some Robin insight, and (finally!!!) the date

[bluerene]

river, epilogue [starx]

Welcome to the long overdue final part of River, lovelies! If you’re just joining, congratulations, you didn’t have to suffer through the terrible inconsistencies of my posting schedule. If you’ve been with me since the start: I AM SO SORRY AND I LOVE YOU. 

First, all my love to @fireflyxrebel because I literally only posted/wrote this with her enthusiasm in mind. @mysticalmeowler, you’re the sweetest fan of this story and your comments never fail to make me giddy! As always, @lightdusk96 gets a shoutout, because I don’t know anyone who cheers me on more than you, even when it’s for a pairing that disrupts your otp ;) LOVE YOU GUYS.

Parts one through five can be found here.  There’s a bonus chapter coming and I have a few river!universe short stories that are in the queue for posting, but I have a bunch of asks and prompts to get to first, so be patient <3

I hope you all enjoy the final chapter of River! It’s been a journey. As always, comments (good/bad/ugly) are appreciated!

bless, 

blue

She doesn’t suspect that I know the truth.

In her defense, I haven’t said anything. There was no confrontation, no blowout fight. Our relationship’s been on a web lately, too delicate to ruin with an argument regarding something that’s not my business.

Yeah, Starfire’s been seeing Red X. For at least three months, but probably longer.

I’ve never felt more weighed down in my life. It’s fucking pathetic really. I don’t know how to tell her that I saw them together.

It was bad. This was back when we were still bridging the gap in our friendship. The space between when I broke her heart in Tokyo and when she broke mine here. Star said she wasn’t feeling well so she shut herself up in her room for the night.

Things were different between us. Better, like the break in a bad storm, but different. She stopped freezing me out. I stopped pushing her boundaries. We were comfortable enough to the point where she would sit next to me at lunch and engage in conversation.

I guess I thought it was worth checking in on her.

But she wasn’t in her room. Her window was open the slightest bit and she’d ditched her communicator on the bed.

It wasn’t the first time she’d disappeared, but her tendency to vanish at odd hours had become more and more apparent as of late. I clipped her communicator to my belt and let Raven know that I’d be back in a few hours.

I wasn’t really expecting to find her. I just hoped that somehow, something would lead me there.

Somehow I wound up on the other side of the city, drawn to the bustle of nighttime movie-goers and partiers outside the strip of entertainment venues. I stayed in the shadows of alleyways, careful to avoid unwanted attention. And that’s when, on the rooftop of the cinema, her feet dangling over the edge as she observed the couples going to and from the site, I found her.

She wasn’t alone.

I couldn’t move at first. I’m glad I didn’t because my first instinct was to get up there and murder that smug asshole.

Then I rationalized. It could be that they were just friends. Or that he was bothering her and she was too polite to say anything to scare him off.

She threw her head back and laughed, smiling at him in a way I knew far too well. I watched her scoot closer to him, raising her hands to his face to lift the bottom of his mask.

I held my breath, eyes wide, heart racing when she closed her eyes and leaned in.

And she was kissing him. Starfire was kissing Red X. His arms curled around her shoulders, pulling her to his chest.

My anger dissolved instantaneously.. There was confusion. There was grief. I felt ill and hurt and unending. My stomach bottomed out, my brain when blank, my heart felt tight.

I went back to the Tower and headed straight to bed. It wasn’t real.

It couldn’t be.

She didn’t show up for breakfast. I stopped by her room and she still wasn’t there. She must’ve slept over.

The pit in my stomach grew heavier.

Starfire drifted into the living room around dinnertime the next day, feigning tiredness. I could see the happiness in her eyes. She sat next to me, chatting normally as if she hadn’t been out for the past day with someone else.

Too much.

The words I wanted to scream were stuck in my throat.

“- marvelous dream, I was reminded of the time when we all went to the movies and saw the flick of chicks -”

She was lying to my face.

“- enjoy the romance genre, Robin? You and Beast Boy and Cyborg did not seem to mind when we saw Love, Simon although you expressed your lack of interest before -”

Couldn’t she tell this was the last thing I wanted to talk about?

“Robin?” Starfire asked, touched my arm gently, concern evident in her expression. 

I slid my chair away from her as if I had been burned, pressing my lips together. 

“Sorry. I need to go.”

I stood up and stalked off towards the hallway, glancing for a moment to catch the hurt look in her eyes.

I should’ve said something then.

But I did what I usually do.

I walked away from her.

I wasn’t surprised to find Raven on the rooftop, waiting for me. She had weird look on her face, somewhere in the realm of sympathy and pity and frustration.

“You knew,” I said quietly. It wasn’t a question.

“I did,” she confirmed, “I’m sorry, Robin.”

“You should be,” I snapped, running a hand through my hair, “if you’d told me I could’ve done something. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time fighting with her. I wouldn’t have shut her out. Maybe then, she and I...things would be different.”

“Maybe so,” Raven said, tilting her head, “but it wasn’t my job to tell you. Whenever she was ready, she would’ve come out with the truth.”

“And until then? How long would you expect me to pretend I didn’t know where she went every night?”

“As long as she kept it secret. This isn’t about you anymore, Robin. Look,” she sighed heavily, stepping forward to touch my shoulder, “I know Tokyo ruined things for you guys. I know that Starfire struggled through it, and even though your actions said otherwise, you had a hard time working through things too. But she’s happy. Really happy.”

I jerked my arm away from her and moved closer to the edge of the tower, staring at the fading light on the horizon.

“I don’t know how serious she is about Red X. I don’t know if they have a future. What I do know is that part of her heart belongs to you, and it probably will forever. So instead of beating yourself up over what might have been, fight for what already exists.”

“If she’s with him it doesn’t really matter. It’s too late.”

Her eyes narrowed, the corner of her mouth turning down in disgust.

“Has anything even changed for you? Are you honestly ready to open up and be in a relationship with her? Because if you aren’t, if this is just...possessiveness, you need to get over it. Torturing yourself accomplishes nothing. You both deserve better than a realized love born out of jealousy.”

“You’re one to speak,” I bit back, “don’t pretend you aren’t all over Beast Boy when we go out and he gets swarmed by fangirls.”

“We aren’t here to talk about me, idiot,” she replied irritably, the pink stain on her cheeks betraying her demeanor, “I’ve made my case. Do what you will.”

She waved a hand, conjuring up a black portal behind her.

“You should know, Robin,” she said softly, wrapping herself up in her cloak, “Starfire hasn’t forgotten her feelings for you. That should mean something.”

The swirling disk of energy vanished once she stepped through, leaving me alone with her words ringing in my ears.

Raven was right, as usual. I missed my chance. Starfire was moving on, just as she should.

I stood there until long after the sun had set and the night sky glittered with stars. I thought about every mistake I ever made, every moment I let pass when I should’ve done something.

I thought about her, and the smile she had shared with Red X, the one that I thought belonged to me.

I didn’t know what I wanted from her, not really. I let my feelings fester for too long and root themselves too deep inside. Starfire was my escape from everything that twisted me up. My fears and anger and issues from the past all faded to nothing when I thought of her. And I could feel that slipping away from me too.

“I can’t let you go, Star, not yet,” I murmured.

I heard the door creak open. The cool evening air rippled around me as a soft thud came from behind.

“Robin,” she said quietly, “it is late.”

Her fingers curled around my shoulder gently, beckoning me to face her.

“I’ll be down in a minute.”

She was silent for a moment, releasing her grip on my cape and dragging her hand down to the exposed skin between my gloves and the hem of my sleeve. I shivered beneath her touch.

“Have I done something to upset you?”

I froze and shook my head quickly.

“Not at all, why’d you ask?”

“You will not look at me,” Starfire said sadly, squeezing my arm, “Robin, please.”

I sighed and turned my head, warmth flooding my chest as soon as my eyes met hers.

“I’m just tired, Star. It’s not you, I promise. I guess...things have been busy. I’m not feeling well. We haven’t really spent much time together either, y’know? I’m missing my best friend here.”

Yeah, I offered her a lump of excuses and finished it up with a nice dose of guilt. I’m an ass.

She blushed, clearly relieved by my words, though I could see it didn’t reach her eyes.

“I-I apologize,” she stammered, removing her hand and wrapping her arms around herself, “I have been preoccupied as of late.”

I wanted to ask her why she was busy, and who she was with, and what she thought she was doing. I wanted to stand there and tear into her for an answer, in hope that she could explain what I couldn’t seem to understand.

But I saw her lip quivering and the way she stared down at her shoes, willing me to change the subject. I knew this wasn’t what she had wanted for us.

“It’s no big deal,” I assured her, “maybe we can go to the park or something this weekend? We haven’t had a group picnic in a while.”

She lit up instantly, eyes shining with excitement as she clasped her hands together.

“That would be wondrous,” she chirped.

I laughed, enjoying her enthusiasm.

“Let’s do it then. Go and let the others know, I’ll come inside in a sec.”

Starfire nodded and floated into the air.

“I shall see you later.”

“G’night, Star.”

Raven’s words rang in my ears.

Fight for what already exists.

The truth is...I wasn’t sure if that's what I wanted either.

Nothing was different, not really. I wasn’t any more prepared to take on a relationship now than I was a year ago. She wasn’t any less persistent about what she wanted either. I was deluding myself if I thought I could somehow step up and replace Red X.

God, it sounds crazy doesn’t it? How did everything get so fucked?

I wanted Starfire to be mine without wanting to claim her. I wanted her friendship without wanting to be her friend. My priorities were so completely screwed, I couldn’t tell the difference between what was true and what was a lie.

She deserved better than my indecisiveness.

But she also deserved better than his deception.

Whatever the outcome was destined to be, I was certain of one thing.

Giving up on Starfire was not an option.

Not now, not ever.