#first version is so suck i had to rewrite it again and sushi make it better

[zhonglishrine]

Between The Lines

Pairing: Dazai Osamu x Reader Word Counts: 3.5k Note: Dedication to @yokelish​ -senpai uwu <3 **It’s about a girl who’s hopelessly in love— maybe not— with bandaged bastard. Why am I doing Dazai and not my beloved Gogol? because SENPAI that’s why, haha ily <3 and thank you so much for @soukokuwu​ for editing and proofread this one cringy fic! <3

You entered your apartment. You didn’t even bother to check the time, you just knew it was later than when you usually got home. The sun was setting; the sky was painted in beautiful different shades of gold, but all you saw were the dark clouds casting gloomy shadows. Dragging your feet, you closed the door. Did you even lock it? Not that you bothered to check. You were too tired to care or even think of it anymore. Every breath you took felt so heavy and you were exhausted from working long hours. Every day it was the same thing on repeat. Every move you made felt so strained and the bag you carried felt like a burden. You flung it on the floor and started undressing, strewing your clothes aside, and entered the bathroom.

You turned on the tap and let it slowly fill the bathtub, impatiently getting in even before it was full. You felt the cold water against your skin and watched the bubbles forming near the mouth of the tap. In contrast to the quiet surroundings, the thoughts in your mind were deafening, not allowing for a moment of relaxation. But you weren’t surprised. There was never a break given from such intrusive thoughts. How you wished you could get rid of them, how you wished it was as simple as dirt being washed away, but no matter what you did they stayed like a stubborn stain. Why did you have to feel this way? It only served to hurt you more inside. And the worst part is? You knew better, and yet there was nothing you could do about it. It felt like there were thorns wrapped around your heart, painfully digging into it each time you breathed. Ironically, what made you feel like dying, was also the one thing that reminded you that you were alive.

But it felt so lonely, so unfair, for you to be the only one feeling this way.

How you wished things were different from the start, but now you were the only one left to handle the consequences. You loved someone too hard, and now you were paying the price for your futile pursuits.

*****

With eyes as dark as the dead of the night, he drew you in from the first time you met; an irresistible attraction that pulled you in and eventually crushed you with its weight, leaving you behind in the rubble once it exploded. You thought you had met your ideal man at last. He was handsome, charming, funny.  Even though you didn’t know him long, you believed he could be the one. Or at least, you thought so.

He seemed to be interested in you at first, as though he was curious to know everything about you when you first joined the Armed Detective Agency. There had been a vacancy for a clerk, and you had gone for the interview the moment you saw the notice.

You were nervous even before the interview started. You couldn’t even get much sleep the night before. They had told you that the President was not in yet and brought you to see him instead. Your heart was pounding erratically by then. If this person was filling in for the President he must be important; he must have a vital role in the agency, one of high authority.

“So tell me, one interesting fact about yourself.” Dazai was the one who asked that.

Anxiously tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear and biting your lips, you answered him with as much confidence as you could muster. You were saying it with a serious face, but all you got was Dazai laughing at your answer, wiping at fake tears. What? Did you say something funny? You were confused, unamused. But he merely welcomed you and said that you passed. Just like that, you became one of them.

It wasn’t easy to adjust to the work environment at first, but they were all nice and Dazai had been the one tasked to guide you, much to the disagreement of his partner. But it didn’t matter, because before you knew it, you were already attracted to him.

Dazai always wore bandages, covering his forearms, even his neck. Where else he had it on you didn’t know, but it definitely wasn’t normal. You wondered why he wore them at first, but you came to learn that he was a ‘suicidal maniac’, or so Kunikida called him that. You felt conflicted about it, given how comedic he made it seem. But you knew it had to be deeper than that. You could see it in his smiles, they felt empty. You could hear it in his laughs, they sounded hollow. It was all a mask; an illusion, something that he created to shield his true self; something to manipulate people into thinking that fake, comedic Dazai was the real Dazai. Though, if you were completely honest, you knew nothing about who he really was, nothing about his past, and even his present seemed murky. He never let anything personal about himself slip through his mouth. Dazai calculated everything - his steps, his speech, his body movements, even. You were beginning to realize that you would never be able to understand the brunette at all, but of one thing you were sure: you had fallen for him, and it was too late to turn back.

The line between admiration and infatuation is obscure. A simple, innocent feeling can turn into one of obsession and possession just like that. A simple, innocent feeling can turn into some sickening emotion that some people can’t handle logically. All rationality will dissolve and dissipate like froth in the vast ocean until there is no other choice but to drown oneself in the sea of madness. All because of love, that which makes us blind; a concept that distorts nearly all rationality. Without restrictions or self-control over it, the one madly in love would ultimately be driven to self-destruction and despair if their feelings go unreciprocated.

And it was unfortunate then, if you already knew of the consequences but yet you fell for the trap anyway. You were already in too deep - too deep in these feelings that held your heart hostage and suffocated you with its strong grip; these feelings that rendered you breathless as you struggled to pine for something you couldn’t have. It felt like it was draining the life out of you like it was sucking your soul dry. It felt like stretching out for a mirage of an oasis after an endless chase in a scorching desert, only to find that in the end, it was yet another hopeless endeavor.

Yet, no matter how futile it always seemed, you were too blinded by love to learn your lesson, continuing to be hopelessly in love with Dazai, letting him lead you on, time and time again. You clung on to every hope he held out to you, no matter how flimsy it was. You wanted him to look at you and you alone, to feel the same way you felt about him. Something told you it was the same as asking for the impossible, but you ignored that voice in your head each time. Just like how you ignored it when it told you the brutal truth - that Dazai was not yours and never would be. Still, it didn’t stop you from trying for him. Your heart longed for him, it prayed for his love each night before you slept. He was the only thing on your mind, etched into your heart and flowing in your bloodstream. You knew not what life would be without him. Your love for him consumed you; you would do anything for him, even if it meant pulling a knife against your throat to prove it.

Before you met him, you had nothing; no ambitions - you lived your monotonous life, just going with the flow. If you hadn’t gone out that day, if you hadn’t seen the poster about the job vacancy, you wouldn’t be where you are right now. You would probably just rot away at home with no job, no will to live, and no hope for tomorrow. Your life was entirely empty and meaningless. But the moment you met him, you found a reason; a purpose. He filled the void in your heart even when you thought it wasn’t possible. Dazai is completely the opposite one, and it’s funny how he was the one to give you a reason to live, when he couldn’t even find one himself; when he was the one with the hopeless and pessimistic outlook on life; when he was the one that wanted to die.

Dazai was the only one who saw through you. He was the only one who called you out on it - for being a people pleaser, for being pretentious and superficial with everyone. It was the first anyone had done that to you. It made you feel offended, exposed. Because it was true. What a hypocrite you were, hating that Dazai put up a comedic facade only to put up one of your own. You acted the way you thought people wanted you to, and you threw your real feelings away in the process. It was disgusting, really, how easily you were able to put on a smile and spout sugar-coated words just to appease other people’s egos. You felt a little quiver in your heart when Dazai pointed that out to you. Was it out of fear of being exposed? Or maybe, just maybe, it was because you finally met someone who understood you.

“Senpai, I love you.”

“I know~”

You could feel the butterflies in your stomach when Dazai responded to your little confession with a playful smirk. You couldn’t stop yourself from smiling and blushing and feeling exactly like a high school girl giddily in love. It was fleeting happiness that you hadn’t felt for a long time. You only said such things when no one else was around like it was a sort of secret routine between you and him, and you wanted to keep it that way.

Just between the two of you.

It wasn’t wrong to hope, right?

*****

You always looked forward to talking with him and found yourself searching for his figure whenever he wasn’t around. This was all part of your downfall. It was little things, like this little routine you had with him, and the feelings of hope you tied to him, that would ultimately cause it. You needed his constant attention, getting all clingy and possessive whenever someone else would try to get close to him. You texted him every single day to ask about his day, getting upset over the smallest things like not getting a reply or when you were ignored. It felt incomplete to you if you hadn’t heard or seen him for even a day. You’d always try to get a hold of his whereabouts and would constantly be worried about his absence. You got attached way too much and got too emotionally dependent on him, and you fooled yourself into thinking it was all out of love.

You fell for Dazai too hard, and it wasn’t something you could easily recover from. Seeing him was like having a fever dream. He was all you could think about, and what you centered your life around. Every aspect of him and his life piqued your interest. You even fantasized about a life with him, to be together with him, physically, emotionally. It slowly turned into an obsession, and you weren’t totally dense. You knew how unhealthy it was.

You were no Snow White and he was no Prince Charming, but if given a choice, you’d still consume the poisonous apple and risk your own life if it meant he would save you and love you for the rest of his life. You’d do anything to prove that you loved him. Even if it meant gouging your own heart out and carving his name on it, even if you had to bleed out and let your bones turn to ash, or even if you had to be buried alive. You would do it. But despite all you would do, all you would get was his signature head-pat, as if he didn’t take you seriously and never would. As if you didn’t know already, he would never love you back, or do as much as you would for him. You thought you were fine with it, content to be in this position, with being just his friend, but you weren’t.

How could you be fine when you felt anger just seeing him talk to someone else? How could you be fine when you felt the anger boiling up as he was flirting with other people? How could you be fine when he gave his attention so freely to anyone else but not you? It drove you to the brink of madness and frustrated you to no end because it was as if he did it intentionally, knowing the fact that you would be jealous. And the fact that you couldn’t do anything about it but accept it left you exasperated. It almost drives you crazy. But you were still sane enough to control your impulsive thoughts. Or else, you were tempted to get rid of anyone who tried to get in your way. He was like a poisonous drug, consume too much and you would drown yourself in its toxins, losing yourself in the process. But there was no one else to blame. After all, it was your decision to love him despite all the red lights you saw; the warnings other people gave you.

How silly of you, to turn a deaf ear to their words. You thought you knew better but how wrong you were. You couldn’t see it yourself - how you started losing your mind the closer you got to Dazai Osamu. You didn’t see how your friends started to be concerned about your well-being, a consequence of always putting Dazai first. And it’s always Dazai this and Dazai that - he was all you could talk and think about. It started as a crush at first, but now it just became overbearing. And you know you were being selfish for wanting him all to yourself.

Dazai was the prime example of how you wouldn’t always get what you wanted in life. It was nice to be observed by him, and he himself was endearing to watch, but trying to embrace him was like trying to embrace mist, it would just slip out of your grasp, and never be within your reach. Chasing him was like running in circles, and it was as though something kept tripping you, making you fall over and over again, but you were too stubborn to give up. Dazai always seemed close to you, almost within an arm’s reach - but yet he appeared so far. It was like a distance you would never be able to close. But then again, the distance between you and him never existed. Because you never had a chance with him in the first place. It was all but a fragment of your imagination.

But still, you continued with your routine.

“I love you, senpai.”

And he always said the same thing, “I know.”

But did he really? It wasn’t as throwing it around for you. He may be used to it, but you weren’t. How could you even begin to explain how much he meant to you? He already had your heart, it already belonged to him, and he could crush it anytime he so pleased, and yet he didn’t. He did something much worse. He did nothing. It was like he didn’t care, like it never mattered at all to him, no matter how many times you confessed. His answer was always the same. Maybe if you put more feelings into it - would he finally understand? Would he finally stop taking it so lightly? You were past the point of being embarrassed. You didn’t bother to hide your feelings anymore. You felt like you had to show more, just to get him to understand. After all, why wouldn’t he say anything else? It felt like a hopeless desire, but still, you wished for it anyway. For anything but that same, mundane ‘I know’. You wanted to cross that imaginary line that separated your heart from his, but the barrier always stood strong and it’s impossible to breach.

He wouldn’t let you in no matter how hard you tried. And you were slowly losing your mind and you couldn’t take it anymore. You wanted - needed - him to know. You were desperate but the words you want to say always stuck in your throat each time you tried to bring it out. You don’t want to make him overwhelmed, in fear of losing what you have now. Even if it just one side, you can’t help it, you can’t stop it no matter how hard you tried. It’s easier said than done. Your friends think it was better for you to let him go, that you don’t deserve to hurt yourself and deserved better. They told you to wake up from this fever dream and move on. But you know, even if you try, you will always come back for him. Again and again. No matter how he appeared to be with you, or what persona he created, he is still the same person. The one that you were in love. And it has taken deep root in your heart now.

“Senpai… I’m in love with you.”

Hopelessly. Helplessly. I’m drowning in it. I can’t live without you, do you know that? I would do anything for your sake. You are my life, you are my love. You are my pain and my relief. You are everything to me. Even if we don’t have any significant relationship, I still can’t afford to stay away from you for even a moment. I live for you every day, my time and heart are devoted only to you. No moment is ever complete without you. Your name is etched into each breath of mine. I have lived only for you and I am prepared to die for you. Because it is you. Only you. I have loved you so much. And I will continue to love you dearly. You are all that I want. And it’s not solely due to my obsession that I’ve come this far. I genuinely feel for you. You are the only one who can make me feel this way. I love you. I love you. I love you. I really do. And it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Because I can't find it in myself to express all of this to you.

His expression subtly changed. He wasn’t surprised by what you said, no. Dazai knew of your feelings, but hearing it with such a resolution from you was a different thing. Your love was there. It was evident in your eyes as you kept looking at him, unwavering. Perhaps, he could just say he didn’t care for it and one day it might disappear. Everything was fleeting after all, even love. But would your feelings go away so easily?

“That’s unfortunate, for you…”

“I know,” you replied, wincing at the familiar sound of his signature words coming from your mouth. Even if he didn’t point it out, you knew it already. You already knew it from the start.

“I am so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“Isn't that a thing people say in unfortunate situations?” He chuckled at his own nonchalant response, hoping to keep the conversion light. But you could say that it just hurt you instead. Like a needle is pricking your heart when you heard his response. 

“Well, that's true. But saying sorry would only make me look pathetic here. Not like I wasn't one already,” you said, an air of self-deprecation surrounding you. How unfortunate, indeed, for you, though you had accepted that fact a long time ago. You could just laugh at how stupid this all was and cry at its sheer ridiculousness. But now it was nearly impossible for you to act like you were fine anymore. You tried to act tough but really, you were falling apart inside. He tore you piece by piece and yet he wasn’t even aware of that. 

“I’m sorry.” Again, he apologized. He sounded more sincere this time. Was it truly genuine, or was this another lie coming out of his facade? Frankly, it didn’t matter at this point anymore.

Dazai closed the distance between you two, reaching out his hand to give you his signature head-pat. He ruffled your hair and you could feel the warmth radiating from him. It was so gentle and cruel at the same time. He sounded so sincere, apologizing for it too. He didn’t turn you down completely but instead accepted your feelings silently, without returning it back. Such a cruel way to torment you further. But you knew it already, you knew the consequence of your decision from the start. However, you still kept clinging on to him as if he was the only support you had as you floated out in the open sea, but yet was also the reason why you might drown in the first place. It suffocate you and you can’t breathe. It hurt so much. But falling for him was something you would never regret even if what awaited at the end was just a void that would envelop you. Even so, you aren’t afraid of drowning in it anymore if you could keep this feeling you had for him. Even if it resulted in hurting you. It was fine. If it was the only way you could love him.

And as repetitive as it seemed now, you would still say it no matter how many times it will take for him to truly understand it.

“Senpai, thank you… I love you.”

“I know.” 

And you would keep it that way until your feelings slowly cease to exist, much like a dying star. It burned brightly in the beginning and eventually will fade away, disappearing back into nothingness.