#fog 🐷 ares posts | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

drowninthefog · 9 months

Text

An Ares Vent

TW: descriptive talk about suicidal ideation, feelings of worthlessness and weakness, feeling like a failure, and previous abusive relationship

I’ve posted a couple times on here already, but I’m Ares. I’m this system’s main protector. Protector doesn’t really fully describe me, though. I’m the one who takes care of everything from responsibilities to managing time and emotions. I used to be an angry alter, sometimes even feeling violent, but over the years I became a calmer and more reasonable headmate.

I want to say I’m one of the oldest alters. I’ve been here since the beginning. This body has been my home for years, every new alter has passed through me. I build a relationship with each of them. They are all my responsibilities. I take care of them.

That included taking on trauma that the others couldn’t. Some fragments (NPC alters) would hold them, but they’d fade away and that trauma still needed somewhere to go. The fragments were never strong enough to be a holder.

Today, I came to terms with the fact that I’m the trauma holder of one of our deepest scars. It was a complicated, abusive, and unhealthy relationship we were in for a while. It was both romantic and platonic. It transformed us to the person we are. It almost killed us.

It was middle school. He was one of our first serious crushes. I believed we loved him, but if we did it was a deluded sense of love. He was charismatic, well-liked, and stereotypically handsome. A football player, never without a girl on his arm, and somehow had friends in every clique your typical American school had.

Every time I try to describe him, I sound like I’m describing a villain or some kind of serial killer we’ve studied before (Grey is a forensics nerd).

I won’t go into detail about the relationship, but just know it was full of lies, manipulation, grooming, and pain. He came into our lives during the years we started questioning our gender, developing the worst of our depression, and discovering our system. He used all of that to hurt us.

During therapy today, the topic of him came up. I’m usually the one who handles therapy. I can comprehend the information better and can articulate our thoughts. When talking about him, that angry part of me that I try to have a hold on was seeping through. I haven’t felt that destructive feeling in years. Sure, the others have that intense anger that I end up helping them cope with, but I’m usually the level headed one.

Leaving the session, I felt a deep pit in our stomach. One that I thought we were over. A song came on the radio, one we’d usually just listen to and jam with, but this time I just felt the lyrics echoing in my head. It hit a string.

The song was about suicide. The ache in my bones, the hunger for pain, the cry of my blood pushing against my skin to escape. Jay, our depression holder, was even shocked that it had gotten this bad again. He was halfway comforting me. I wasn’t supposed to be the weak one.

I’m the one who takes care of things. I have a clearer head, I can lead everyone else through these times, I can be in control and help us. Why am I loosing my grip? If I loose it, what will happen to us?

Part of me tries to repeat what I tell everyone else. “This isn’t a setback, it’s a normal part of healing”, “relapses aren’t failures”, “you are stronger than this, you have overcome it before”. It’s just not working. I feel so dull.

I haven’t felt so unstable in so long.

We are lucky to have a partner around to keep us in check. We haven’t shared these feelings with him, but we know we can lean on him. He’d never let us fall apart.

I’m pushing through it. I don’t want to fail my friends. They shouldn’t look at me and feel lost now that I’m struggling. I can be strong for them.

I wanted to get this out, hopefully to make someone out there realize they’re not alone. Even though a few things I’ve said here may sound hypocritical, I want my fellow protectors to know that we are allowed to have our moments of weakness. Being able to show weakness is a part of being strong.

-🐷Ares (All/Any)

0 notes