#for context. best friends mom said “hey you need go find your like. Zen” or something.

[pnutsdotorg]

dear tumblr users... how do you talk about your ocs without feeling like A Dumb Piece of Shit Loser

[msmovingforward]

Re-Engaging: SLC Reunion Pt I

Part one of the the first season reunion! We get the typical footage of the women’s jitters before the reunion begins. Whitney and her glam team saying they’re going to really feature her new boob job in the look for the evening. Jen and Heather saying they’re excited. I would be excited too! I mean, I’m a shady bitch... I would love to get paid to sit around and talk smack to people’s faces. 

The set is actually pretty shah-mazing. Imagine a very gay food court set up for Santa, but socially distanced. Andy Cohen says, “This is the Super Bowl, guys!” Accurate. These reunions really are like the gay Super Bowl, complete with fumbles, MVP’s, and emotional tackles. Those are the four football terms I know. OK... Roll footage. I love that!

Andy opens by saying he gives the season two thumbs up, and congratulates the women. “Hey, Lisa! Does God care now that you own at tequila company?”

“Yeah. He’s blessing me by selling more.” All the women look very rested, and their makeup for the most part in my opinion is pretty understated. Lisa has a somewhat modest outfit. Her tan is looking very nice. Very white teeth. A curled look for her hair. It’s sort of fancy free, and I love that for her.

Heather is wearing a light pink dress with a bejeweled motif that is somehow both tight, but also does almost nothing to show off her curves. It’s very Mormon, but make it fashion.

Whitney is giving me beachy vibes with her blonde bob this evening with a plunging-neckline maroon sequined number and a pair of really EXPENSIVE white gold hoops.

Mary looks like Beyonce’s wax figurine at Madame Toussaud’s, with a rose gold sparkling dress and eyeshadow to match.

Meredith looks like Jessica Rabbit got dressed in the dark and is now ushering a Cirque Du Soleil knockoff show at the Nomad Hotel Casino, but what do I know? This is probably just too fashion forward for me to understand.

Jen stopped at the Spirit Halloween inside the closed Linens-n-Things next to Heather’s new Beauty Lab+Laser and bought a knock-off Jasmine from Aladdin costume.

Some highlights from the customary 20-minute greetings are Heather being DM’d by Rihanna and being told Rihanna thinks Heather is “everything,” and Jen promising to be “Zen Jen,” unless somebody “makes [her] turn up.” So basically no one has learned anything. We’re off to a great start for this reunion. I’m glad everyone is on the same page for what makes a good viewing experience. These reunions are like group therapy if no one were willing to change, and everyone lied and yelled the whole time. I’m NOT disengaging for this one.

Round one! (This is a boxing reference. I’m basically a jock now). Whitney’s journey this season is shown, and Andy brings up the whole swinger situation. Whitney denies being a swinger herself, but says she knows a lot of Mormons who do it, and it’s very Mormon 2.0. I give this one to Whitney because Lisa is riled up, and it was like very nuanced shade, especially for Whitney. Whitney zing!

Next Andy asks how Meredith feels about Jen’s reaction to Brooks’s sweat suit line at Park City Fashion Week, asking “Are you appalled that Jen would be picking on a child?”

Meredith replies, “One hundred percent I was ... He saved his own money to launch his brand ... He should be commended, not criticized.” So Brooks (who by the way is well over 21 at this point, but at the time of filming was definitely NOT a child) should always be commended no matter what, even though he couldn’t even be industrious enough to rip off two Givenchy track suits? Also how was Brooks saving his own money? What does he do for work to earn this money? He couldn’t even call the coordinator of the fashion show himself to say he was going to be late!

We also learn that Meredith was not upset that Jen made Meredith’s birthday party all about her, but she was upset that it was thrown on Lisa’s actual birthday. We are shown unseen footage of a thousand-plus dollar wedding cake for Meredith being wheeled out and a comparatively tiny birthday cake for Lisa being brought out behind it. Unseen footage of Lisa singing happy birthday to herself is also shown. So that makes two women who were confused as to whose birthday party it was and singing anyway: Lisa and the drunk woman whose name I won’t mention because she attempted to overtake the Capitol. Conversely, Lisa reveals that she wasn’t upset about the birthday party itself, the thing that she found to be upset about was how Heather gave her a quick once over because Heather had heard that LIsa was calling Heather a “good-time girl.” Don’t worry though, because Lisa explains what actually happened, saying, “ I said she was a good time! My friend told me an antecdote ... Heather was so much fun. She would press her boobs up against things.” Heather denies all allegations of ignoring Lisa, and Lisa yells, “Roll footage!” Heather tells her that’s not a thing, as the footage of Heather blatantly ignoring Lisa is shown. Lisa calls Heather a pathological liar.

I will say, In this situation originally, I was on Heather’s side, but it does seem like Lisa really didn’t know Heather prior to filming. If we remember even more though, it was Jen who told Heather that Lisa had said this about Heather in the first place.

Andy asks Whitney what he thought of Lisa’s comments regarding her love of the stripper pole. Whitney says she is more angry at the overall vibe Lisa gives that she’s better than Whitney. I definitely can see where this is coming from; Lisa and Meredith do seem to have an elitist attitude toward the other women, however, Lisa hypocritically claims that she doesn’t have a problem with Whitney’s dancing in general, just how she handled herself at Sharrieff’s put-put golf birthday party, “twerking” in front of another woman’s husband. Footage is shown of Lisa trying and failing to one-up Whitney’s splits on the dancefloor. The editors throw in a helpful arrow to let us know where in the crowd Sharrieff is standing (far closer to LIsa). Whitney says Lisa called Whitney trash multiple times, to which Lisa replies that she only called Whitney trash once, AND SHE CAN’ EXPLAIN THAT! I’m glad we’re only sticking to the facts here. Objectively, Whitney, you are trash, but I’ve only called you that once. Love that.

After commercial, we are shown Jen’s season highlights (This really is similar to SportsCenter, isn’t it?) It’s mostly footage of Jen yelling, throwing things, crying, more yelling, and crying more. We find out that Heather’s father passed away in April, though. Mary shares that her father also died this past year, but she has this weird dreamy chipmunk look in her eye when she says it. Also, I love how these women aren’t even going to pretend for the cameras they know even the most basic things the others are dealing with when the cameras aren’t rolling. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW YOUR “FRIEND’S” FATHER DIED?! Heather says that there’s more than enough drama to talk about during this reunion without talking about her dad’s passing. Exactly! The really important stuff, like how Mary can fit into a loofah dress that most people can’t.

Andy asks Jen what it is exactly all her assistants do. We learn that Jen actually has a real job in the marketing field. While I doubt that she actually came up with the technology she uses, I was impressed with the amount of industry jargon she threw out. She says she does “direct response marketing.” I worked in advertising for five months, and I was basically an assistant. I can confirm that telling people they were pretty all the time was about 90% of my job as well.

Jen goes into the story of her father’s passing and Sharrieff missing the funeral. We learn that Jen nearly kicked him out for missing it, and it’s a very big point of contention for the two of them. This is where I start to feel sorry for Jen. While I can’t justify much of her behavior this season, it does seem like she’s dealing with both the loss of her father and realizing that her 20-year marriage is not as solid as it could be.

Speaking of Jen’s behavior, someone from Hawaii asks if Jen thinks it’s appropriate to act the way she did all season at 50 years old. At this, time stands still, and the women are ALL flabbergasted. How DARE?! Jen is only 48! So distracted by being confused for someone two WHOLE TWO YEARS older, Jen needs to regroup before saying, “Shit happens.” and that she’s just “temperamental,” which, according to Oxford Dictionary means “liable to unreasonable changes of mood”. Jen just admitted her behavior is unreasonable. ROLL THAT FOOTAGE! Mary jumps in and talks about how she has been a scapegoat for Jen all season, which didn’t really make sense because Mary seems like a genuinely terrible, racist scam artist. Don’t kick her off the show, though. It’s very entertaining!

Andy brings up vagina-gate. This was very revealing to me. (See what I did there?) Meredith says she’s upset with Jen for purposely “rattling” her kids. Jen claims that she loves Meredith’s kids, and she would never do anything to harm them. Jen says that the whole story was taken out of context, and Brooks had caught Meredith smoking, which is the real reason Brooks was so upset. Meredith reveals that she does occasionally smoke a cigarette (but so what? Meredith is cool, and smoking is very elegant), and she says that Jen recorded Meredith smoking without her knowledge or permission. Jen denies this allegation (but looks like she’s lying to me). The real confusion is cleared up, though, and we learn that Brooks in fact did see Jen’s vagina, and he had to go to Best Buy at that point. Meredith also reveals that she had not invited Jen to sleep over that night, but Jen passed out in Meredith’s bed and had to borrow one of Brooks’s track suits in order to have something to wear home the next morning. Jen denies this as well, and doubles down, saying that Meredith was actually the one who passed out. This is like the time my mom caught me drinking when I was 16, and she said, “:You’re drunk!” and I said, “No I’m not. You’re drunk!” Jesus, Jen!

Meredith accuses Jen of attacking Brooks on social media, calling him white privileged. (Um, that’s not an attack, Meredith. That’s just the truth. I’m white privileged, and I can’t even open a credit card right now). Jen denies this too, and the following tweet is shown: “ @therealitybitch R U SERIOUS?????? I never went spread eagle... it's COMPLETELY INSANE to me that NOT ONLY did you all SEE I DIDNT but bcuz a white privelaged family tells you I did, you somehow think I Sis something wrong. (Girl with face palm emoji).” Arguably my favorite part of this episode is the dramatic music playing as the misspelled words “white privelaged” are highlighted on screen.

Next we’re shown Lisa’s highlight real, where she mostly says, “I love that,” and talks about how much she loves herself and what a go-getter she is. Andy asks Whitney which couple out of the group she would swing with, and Whitney answers Meredith. Not Seth. Just Meredith. Really, Whitney? You don’t want to get down with Mary and her grandfather? At this point, Jen’s superiority complex is brought up by essentially all the women except Meredith. I understand LIsa’s response; she doesn’t feel like she owes anyone an explanation for how she acts like a boss bitch, and I truly believe her. I guess I have a soft spot for Lisa? I am team Lisa on this one for sure, though. I don’t understand why Heather and Whitney feel the need to change Lisa’s attitude. Meredith jumps in and says that Lisa says the same things to her in the same tone, and Meredith doesn’t take it personally, which is why she and Lisa have been able to remain close friends for ten years. This rings true to me.

What gets tricky to me, though, is then Heather and Lisa start fighting. Lisa plays a victim, claiming all the bad press she got for coming off as elitist was in direct response to how Heather portrayed her on the show. I feel like Lisa is trying to walk a line of owning her bossiness, but still wanting to throw Heather under the bus for people hating her for being a boss. I truly don’t understand where Lisa is coming from on this one, and it’s not a good look.

Mary then brings up that she NEVER talks down to people or makes them feel less than, and Lisa tells her that she most certainly does do that to all the members of her church. Dramatic music plays, as Mary blinks and twitches Bewitched-style, and says that Lisa better not bring up Mary’s church, or Mary will bring up Vida Tequila.

in the midst of all of this nonsense, Whitney tries to have an epic moment in which she reveals she has TEXTS from Lisa regarding the bartenders she had claimed made a mess of her party at the beginning of the season, but when Andy goes to read them, he says, “This is a bad Xerox, babe.” (”Jen, you know I’m a straight shooter.. wait. Can I start over?”) Before we’re shown the scenes from next week’s episode, everyone basically starts talking over each other, and Lisa says something about Taco Bell.

My final thoughts: I’m wondering what it is Jen has to offer that is so appealing to Meredith and Jen that they’re giving her so much grace. Beyond the fact that neither of them seem to vibe with her at all, the sudden change of heart Lisa had in the finale was VERY fishy to me. Meredith didn’t seem to have much to say in the way of Jen, but I assume that bridge will be crossed in the parts of the reunion to come. I was also a little shocked to learn that the bartenders Lisa hired really were a gift, and they really had nothing to do with Vida Tequila. Maybe there is something to what Lisa is saying about Heather and Whitney portraying her as more of a monster than she really is. Did she get a bad edit? Also, though it may be a long shot, I would love to learn that Whitney is actually an evil genius playing dumb. There are hints of it I’ve seen so far. She DID organize the whole trip to Vegas, and she DID start the ball rolling on Sharrieff’s birthday-gate. One thing is for sure, after the reunion thus far, I’d say these women all came to PLAY, and I’m living for Salt Lake.