#for starts this is actually true about being on radio. I cannot openly shit on certain bands for things like. Never getting my name right

[aeolianblues]

'oh I cannot say horrible things because of the Woke' well boo hoo, I cannot say mean things about bands I dislike because they love my show and will beat me up if I slag them off

[pochx]

don't actually read this please

idk what it is about the confessional of a small (semi) private space online to say shit u really should not tell people so openly that works so much better than my actual journal but uh.

it helps!

anyway. fr this is confessional shit that i'll talk about w/ the new therapist i'm trying to see if it comes up but

i'm that bitch who causes problems and is so good at slow burning bridges. like it's the self prophecy idk why but that's the hardest thing for me to stop myself from doing. my anxiety and fear latches onto one small thing and i make it real because idk! idk.

also wtf is happening outside. whatever, it's distracting

but god it just came out of nowhere this small fear. this small concern that first sprouted during some other deeply anxiety fueled misery moment. and now it's all i can think about. it is all i can think about.

but like god. i'm no fun. i just. i'm barely even here man, barely. when people think of their best moments, the best memories. i have never been in a single one. and not like i have to be but, i just. don't leave that mark on people, they don't have those moments with me because i'm just not that person. and the self actualization or w/e and i make it true, i'm just a fucking drag y'know?

also like. literally random but and different it came to me tonight so like. because of this constant fear right? and delusional tendencies of me to my relationships but idk if ppl realize how heavily i have to rely on what they directly say to me to prevent even MORE constant fear and whatnot. but someone recently (a month ago) said to me "i know my word might not mean much but..." and like damn

it actually really fucking did until then and also now. like i have full confidence and will take ppl on their words because i have to. i cannot play guessing or indirect games, i will be direct and i will assume u are too (do i tend to say things matter less than they do? yes but it matters little for you and more for me to change how i react/feel) but saying that just. ruins the confidence i had in your word until then.

also this last bit is just me whining and being insecure but i can tell that my writing is no good okay and that others think so. i know. a few decent lines or some snarky humor here and there isn't enough. and i'm relatively okay with that but its more frustrating to be told otherwise. i can show u what i write but the radio silence is enough okay. the polite dodging of making any comment beyond something else or the one small good line that there is. it's mediocre and i wish we could just go with that. or that people only ask about my silly oc because they want to be polite or w/e and that no one else literally cares or thinks the same oc w the same concept is interesting. like mint chocolate and mint with brownies are the same thing essentially i know.

sorry.

that's mean. and unfair.

things aren't great mentally. they never are but it's really bad and i'm trying to start getting some help. i just. need to be a genuine selfish dick for a bit (even more than i already am<3 self absorbed icon<3)

whatever. it's okay. my birthday is next month and, i'm sure it'll be forgotten again. i'll just keep being the little clown i am and accept what i'm given because it's not like i can ask people to change their habits for me right?

again. sorry. not what i normally actually feel or think. i just need this moment to be a dick.

(actually what i really need is to stop being a jug with the bottom cut out so the care that ppl give me isn't instantly lost but u know. sometimes a bitch just needs to be told that ppl are glad to have them in their life over and over again and that they do something that actually somehow improves it) (this is too much. it is needy. it is insecure and like a baby without object permanence. it will be annoying if not already)

wow. uh that was long. whoops. really hope no one read this. quite pathetic innit? bit much really.