#fuck christopher landon

[zweigpatrick]

Melissa Barrera you'll always be famous!!!

[aaronstveit]

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[dalekofchaos]

So Spyglass single handedly destroyed their own franchise by booting their lead actor for protesting genocide and booting the lead creatives of the trilogy without any valid reason.

I'm okay with just letting Scream die at this point. The series doesn't need to continue and it doesn't need my love going forward.

Scream 6 ended the perfect way with Sam leaving Billy's mask behind to be with Tara.

There's some sort of sick irony that the SCREAM films, which all carry a theme of how the film industry is filled with people who are suspect at best or *literal murderers* at worst, is seemingly destined to be at the mercy of the most unscrupulous producers

Neve owes Melissa an apology, Christopher Landon deserves better and Spyglass can fucking die for all I care. I hope Scream 7 flops and I hope Spyglass goes out of business.

Neve especially disappoints me. Melissa supported Neve Campbell when she left after not getting paid what she was owed, but Neve can’t even attempt to support Melissa in the most bare minimum of ways after she got fired and slandered for speaking up against literal genocide. And after this interview it feels like Neve waited for her to be fired just so she can be the star of Scream again. Feels vile.

Neve voluntarily left Scream 6 after not being paid what she was owed. Neve has chosen to take Melissa’s place in scream VII after Melissa was wrongly fired for being against genocide. shit’s not comparable

Neve’s not a girls, girl and it’s genuinely upsetting, cause you watched Melissa be so supportive of her, when she was going through what she was going through and yet, that woman can’t even return the same support to Melissa, fck her and them loser ass zi0nist she’s working with

The whole situation feels like a scab crossing a picket line. Neve feels like a backstabbing scab and it just feels ugly to me.

[tinas1469]

Right on Jenna!! Paramount and Spyglass really fucked up. Good luck in getting Neve Campbell back.

"Losing the two main leads who were instrumental in revitalizing the aging franchise now puts its future in question. Christopher Landon remains on board as director — for now — but next steps for Spyglass remain unclear."

[lexyscross]

Oh, FUCK HIM too then! These rich people are ruining everything! 🙄

(What is HIS reason? Greed, antisemitism, or something new? 🤔)

[ivy-wisp]

Ok, I’m not gonna lie but I’m not gonna watch Scream 7 and here’s why:

Melissa Barrera has been reportedly fired due to controversial comments, like, are you fucking serious right now? All she did was support the Palestine and the next we knew she get fired.

Like what happened? PARAMOUNT! Not only you refuse to pay Neve Campbell (I know that was a year ago but still) but you now fired her replacement. Even though Melissa doesn’t need to be the new Neve. And that is just facts. I’m about to turn to Asmodeus from Helluva Boss in a second. I like the show but I fully support it but I do support Hazbin Hotel, cause why not.

And people have the audacity to say “good riddance!” Like you’re over here working at, I don’t know, Taco Bell, why she’s making money. As you should know, I would not tolerate hate in the comments about anyone. People like Amber Heard deserve some hate but nobody go too far.

And just a reminder, I was thinking of rewriting Scream: Revival Fury, but fuck that. If Melissa doesn’t return then I’m not gonna finish it. I’m literally pissed off right now (and no, I’m not pissed at Christopher Landon, why should I).

I think Scream 7 would be delayed, I mean everybody gonna be leaving soon. Jenna Ortega won’t be returning due to “Wednesday” shooting schedule and next thing we know; Mason Gooding quits or something.

I’m not assuming I’m just trying to be funny anyway Happy Thanksgiving even though it’s a day away. Reminder; Love goes out to Palestinians.

[thefvrious]

@ghostsxagain made me do it

full name: landon christopher stone nicknames: anders, lala, lando, lannie birthday: january 30 age: 45 gender/pronouns: cis-male, he/his hometown: the bronx, ny sign: aquarius religion: atheist orientation: bisexual occupation: criminal/grifter/thief family:  heath stone (father), stacy stone (mother), dawson stone (brother), garrett stone (brother), nolan stone (brother), tanner stone (brother) +: intellectual, friendly, unique, humorous -: obstinate, unpredictable, aloof, calculating blurb: the second of five boys, landon grew up with in a tiny apartment with his entire family, always leaning on his brother dawson -- only ten months his senior. they were often confused for twins, eventually they stopped correcting people. landon and dawson were like opposites. where his brother was fiery and aggressive, landon was cool and rational. he often tried to subdue his brother, to get him to come down from his aggression, but it didn't always work. from the time they were in the first grade, landon and dawson were in the same grade together thanks to dawson's being held back. that seemed to help dawson a little, but landon couldn't force his brother to care about school. they did everything together except landon didn't join dawson when the latter dropped out in eleventh grade. he did, however, move into the apartment dawson procured just a few months later -- settling in with dawson and jules, dawson's partner at the time. he was present the night dawson beat a man to death for fucking with jules, and he remained a constant in jules' life after dawson went to prison, stepping up to help with his nephew when luke was born. like his parents, landon easily fell into the trap of criminality -- unlike them, he was actually good at it. he's never been arrested, never even had a speeding ticket, and most people wouldn't realize that the unassuming car-wash owner is actually a notorious thief and conman. he's been married twice but has no children; which is all well and good for him because he has plenty of niblings to occupy his time.

[samaraweaving]

Come back with my fucking body!

Freaky (2020) dir. Christopher Landon

[billy-crudup]

You’re a fucking piece, girl.  Freaky (2020) dir. Christopher Landon

[clarice-dagny-archived]

About : Active Characters

Name:  Clarice Elan Dagny Nicknames:  Clary Age:  Four hundred forty-four Turned at:  Twenty-four Gender:  Female Height:  5’ 2” Hair color:  Red (currently but blonde naturally) Eye color:  Steel blue Species:  Vampire Location:  New Orleans Parents:  Gideon [ Father, deceased ], Elizabeth [ Mother, deceased ] Siblings:  Aurelia [ Older Sister ], Oliver [ Younger Brother ] Sire:  Elias [ deceased ] Sexual Orientation:  Straight Relationship Status:  Married to Kai Dagny Children:  Hazel, Aerin and Tiber Dagny plus three unborn children

Name: Ademir Keyton Age: Old enough Turned at:  Thirty-one Gender: Male Height: 6’ 3” Hair color: Black Eye color:  Brown Species: 'Mimic’ Location:  New Orleans Sexual Orientation: Straight Relationship Status: Single

Name: Addison Marie Oakley Nicknames:  Addie Age: Twenty-two Turned at:  Eighteen Gender: Female Height: 5’ 3” Hair color: Black Eye color:  Brown (Red when demon powers are active) Species: Demon Location:  Paris Parents:  Jason [ Father ], Liza [ Mother ] Siblings:  Unknown  Sire: Alex turned her into a vampire, Boyd is her current sire Sexual Orientation: Bisexual Relationship Status: Dating Logan Children: Unborn baby [ deceased ]

Name: Abigail Magnolia Fairchild Nicknames:  Abbey Age: Twenty-three Turned at:  Twenty Gender: Female Height: 5’ 9” Hair color: Blonde Eye color:  Blue Species: Sealed Demon Location:  New Orleans Parents:  Zachary [ Father, deceased ], Guinevere [ Mother, deceased ]  Sire: Auri’s blood turned her into a vampire, Elijah is her current sire Sexual Orientation: Pansexual  Relationship Status: Dating Salem Children: Morgan

Name: Seth Quincy Hastings Nicknames:  Asher Age: Nine hundred and seventy-seven Turned at:  Twenty-four Gender: Male Height: 6′2 Hair color: Chocolate brown Eye color:  Steel Blue Species: Sealed Demon Location:  Salem Parents:  Christopher [ Father, deceased ], Maryanne [ Mother, deceased ] Siblings: Helena [ Older Sister, deceased ], Landon [ Older Brother, deceased ], Sebastian [ Older Brother, deceased ] and Spencer [ Younger Brother, deceased ] Sire: Original witches turned him Sexual Orientation: Pansexual but leans more towards being straight  Relationship Status: Dating Aslyn Children: Margaux [ lives with her mom ] and Sophia 

Name: Brant Wilburn Hayes Age: Seven hundred and seventy-six Turned at:  Thirty-three Gender: Male Height: 6′1 Hair color: Sandy blonde Eye color:  Brown (red when demon powers are active) Species: Demon Location:  Paris Parents:  James [ Father, deceased ], Emalee [ Mother, deceased ] Sire: Random woman Sexual Orientation: Straight Relationship Status: Engaged to Wendy Children: Kayden [ lives with his mom ] and Ember

Name: Cael Decker Age: Old enough Gender: Male Height: 5′11 Hair color: Dark brown Eye color:  Blue Species: Angel Location:  New Orleans Sexual Orientation: Straight

Name: Drake Lysander Davenport Age: Thirty-two Gender: Male Height: 5′10 Hair color: Chocolate brown Eye color:  Steel Blue Species: Witch (with affinity to necromancy) Location:  Chicago Parents:  Abraham [ Father, deceased ], Hayley [ Mother, deceased ] Siblings: Wendy and Remy [ Twin Younger Sisters ] Sexual Orientation: Homosexual  Relationship Status: Married to Noah Children: Kessie [ Adopted Daughter ] and Kristopher [ Adopted Son, Biological son via Lysander ]

Name: Anniya Nicknames:  Niya Age: Very old Gender: Female Height: 5′10 Hair color: Platinum Blonde Eye color:  Ice blue (red when demon powers are active) Species: Demon Location:  Hell Sexual Orientation: Straight but isn’t against sleeping with women Relationship Status: Fucking Boyd

Name: Evelyn Rae Abram Nicknames:  Eve Age: Twenty-four Turned at:  Twenty-four Gender: Female Height: 5′5 Hair color: Light brown Eye color:  Blue Species: Werewolf Location:  London Parents:  Nicolas [ Father, deceased ], Allison [ Mother, deceased ] Sire: Elliot  Sexual Orientation: Straight Relationship Status: Dating Elliot

Name: Garrett William Cooper Age: Thirty-two Turned at:  Twenty-five Gender: Male Height: 6′1 Hair color: Chocolate brown Eye color:  Also chocolate brown Species: Alpha werewolf Location: London Parents:  Harold [ Father ], Olivia [ Mother ], Gabriel [ Step-dad ] Siblings: Annette [ Older Sister ], Marie [ Older Sister ] and Lydia [ Older Sister, deceased ] Sire: Born a wolf Sexual Orientation: Straight but experimented in the pack for a while Relationship Status: Married to Effie Children: Luca and Luna

Name: Jackson Richards Dubois Age: Seventy Turned at:  Thirty-eight Gender: Male Height: 6′0 Hair color: Chocolate brown Eye color:  Steel Blue Species: Sealed Demon Location:  Salem Parents:  Jack [ Father, deceased ], Stephanie [ Mother, deceased ] Siblings: Riley [ Older Brother, deceased ] Sire: Riley Sexual Orientation: Homosexual but experimented for a while with women Relationship Status: Engaged to Thomas Children: Jace, Daisy and Paisley

Name: Kessandra Davenport Nicknames:  Kessie Age: Twenty Turned at:  Eighteen Gender: Female Height: 5′5 Hair color: Dirty Blonde Eye color:  Blue Species: Werewolf Location:  Chicago Parents:  Alec [ Father, deceased ], Gloria [ Mother, deceased ], Noah [ Adopted Father ], Drake [ Adopted Father ] Siblings: Kristopher Sire: Random werewolf Sexual Orientation: Straight Relationship Status: Dating Tiber

Name: Tanika Rochelle Davis Nicknames:  Nika Age: Twenty-four Gender: Female Height: 5′7 Hair color: Black Eye color:  Brown Species: Human Location:  New Orleans Parents:  Kellen [ Father, deceased ], Eshe [ Mother ] Siblings: Emmanuel [ Older Brother ], Nigel [ Older Brother ] Sexual Orientation: Straight Relationship Status: Single

Name: Rosealine Alma Beckard Nicknames:  Rose Age: One hundred and ninety-six Turned at:  Twenty-three Gender: Female Height: 5’ 6” Hair color: Black Eye color:  Blue (turns red when demon powers are active) Species: Demon Location:  Hell Parents:  Victor [ Father, deceased ], Marilyn [ Mother, deceased ] Siblings: Antonio [ Younger Brother ], Simone [ Younger Sister ] Sire: Random demon Sexual Orientation: Asexual

Name: Radley Sagano Fey Name: Xidhe Current Name:  Rowan Abram-Pace Age: Nine hundred and seventy-seven Gender: Male Height: 6′0 Hair color: Black Eye color:  Steel Blue Species: Angel Location:  London Parents:  Unknown Father, Sylvia [ Mother, deceased ] Sexual Orientation: Pansexual  Relationship Status: Married to Kenna Children: Ezra and Persephone 

Name: Samuel Amory Crane Nicknames:  Sam Age: Thirty-eight Gender: Male Height: 5′8 Hair color: Black Eye color:  Blue Species: Witch (with an affinity to fire magic) Location:  Chicago Parents:  Laris [ Father, deceased ], Elizabeth [ Mother, deceased ] Sexual Orientation: Very straight Relationship Status: Engaged to Esther Children: Sydney, Brandon and Albus

Name: Seth Quincy Wright Age: Nine hundred and seventy-seven Turned at:  Twenty-four Gender: Male Height: 6′2 Hair color: Chestnut brown Eye color:  Steel Blue Species: Original Werewolf Location:  Other timeline, Ireland Parents:  Christopher [ Father, deceased ], Maryanne [ Mother, deceased ] Siblings: Helena [ Older Sister, deceased ], Landon [ Older Brother, deceased ], Silas [ Older Brother ] and Spencer [ Younger Brother, deceased ] Sire: Original witches turned him Sexual Orientation: Straight but experimented for a while Relationship Status: Married to Remy Children: Demi [ from past relationship, status unknown ], Effie [ Adopted Daughter ], Lucy [ Adopted Daughter, deceased ], Wyatt, Gracie, Samuel Grandchildren:  Luca and Luna [ from Effie ]

Name: Wes Lewis Age: Thirty-two Gender: Male Height: 6′1 Hair color: Chocolate brown Eye color:  Brown Species: Shapeshifter Location:  New Orleans Parents:  Archibald [ Father ], Regina [ Mother, deceased ] Siblings: Brown [ Older Brother ] and June [ Older Sister ] Sexual Orientation: Straight Relationship Status: Dating Aurelia

[cipheramnesia]

do you have any queer horror film recommendations for an uwu soft bean who gets frightened by Goosebumps?

The only stuff I know that soft isn't real queer.

Happy Death Day is low on gore and jump scares, probably my most recommended movie ever. While there's little queer content, it's co-written and directed by Christopher Landon who is quite gay.

Tragedy Girls, while featuring notably more gore, is fairly slick, again not heavy on jump scares, and has enough comedy to balance out the fright. Again not overtly queer but there is no WAY the protagonists aren't queer for each other.

All Cheerleaders Die of course is my favorite lesbians horror movie which knocks it out of the fucking park, but also it is VERY scary and gory. Maybe watch with a friend. I love this one a lot. It has a mix of humor and comedy which is nice.

Book of Monsters is an extremely gory but also very low budget movie featuring a pretty awesome lesbian protagonist. The low budget might help diffuse the potential scare factor. I don't think it's well made but it's very fun.

Bit is a vampire movie with a trans woman vampire played by a trans woman actress but tbh it's pretty mediocre. Written and directed by a dude in the way where it's painful.

Assassination Nation also has trans woman played by a trans woman in a major role but also will traumatize and fuck you up. She doesn't die, by the way. Spoilers but trust me, you'll thank me if you watch it.

Night of the Comet is another one where technically the two protagonists are supposed to be straight but frankly nothing about them reads it at all. If you pretend Robert Beltran playing Hector Gomez is just a super butch lesbian it works great. It's a movie from the 80s and that's about the best I can say as far as how scary it is.

Jennifer's Body is a kinda less good, less scary, less queer All Cheerleaders Die which everyone but me seems to like.

[moviesrotbrains]

FREAKY slashes up a piece of that horror-comedy pie

Hey, let’s remake FREAKY FRIDAY, but this time it’s about a middle-aged serial killer who swaps places with a 17-year-old girl. That simple yet ridiculous premise is the main plot behind a surprisingly perfect, and fantastically gory, horror-comedy.

FREAKY is one of those movies that could have failed hard. It’s a brilliant idea that could have fallen apart in the wrong hands. Many films have tried to balance genres and get lost along the way. FREAKY is NOT one of those fails. It’s one of those films that had me rooting for it from the first 5 minutes and still had me pleasantly surprised throughout. In addition to being a great body-swap flick, it’s also an engaging horror flick. It’s like someone shoved your favourite FRIDAY THE 13TH scenes in a blender with MEAN GIRLS. It shouldn’t work… but it does. It’s an ode to 80s slashers, but it’s also an ode to high school-centred comedies? And it does all this while keeping hardcore horror fans pleased by giving it a hard R rating?!? And it’s actually really funny?!?

When they first announced this film, I was expecting a fun PG-13 flick in the vein of HAPPY DEATH DAY, and I was okay with that. I really liked HAPPY DEATH DAY (as with FREAKY, also directed by Christopher Landon). HAPPY DEATH DAY, was a smart spin on GROUNDHOG’S DAY that it did a lot of cool things while also being able to do so with a PG-13. It wasn’t trying to be MANIAC, nor did I ever expect it to. I’m an annoying purist, but I’m ok with light pop-corn horror if done right, and that film did it right. 

So with that in mind, I was utterly blown away by the very, very R-RATED kills in the opening 10 minutes. It was a brutal onslaught of gore. It was Landon’s way of saying, “Relax, horror bros, I got you.” It was like a Greatest Hits from decades ago but with a fresh spin on it. Slashers got a little lazy in the last few years, and this film just let it all hang out in that opening scene. It was ballsy as all hell, and I was totally on board. And luckily it didn’t just stop there.

This one has all the tropes of classic stabby fright flicks. Huge emotionless killer? Check. Ominous mask? Check. St upid teenagers getting in trouble? Check. Inventive kills that make you cackle “Holy Shit”? Check. Twists and turns? Check. A growing body count? Check. Final girl? Check. And let’s throw in an occult artifact in the mix that swaps that final girl with that emotionless killer and that’s where you get something new and different!

And if you’re coming into this one from a comedy perspective, this one has all the tropes of classic high school movie. Insecure lead going through an awkward time? Check. Supportive comic relief friends? Check. Parents that just don’t understand? Check. Villainous teachers? Check. Mean girls? Check. Huge awkward misunderstandings? Check. And let’s throw in an occult artifact in the mix that causes said misunderstandings and that’s where you get something new and different!  

That new and different wouldn’t be what it is without the standout performance from the two leads, Vince Vaughn & Kaythryn Newton. Vaughn is the aforementioned creepy masked killer. He’s wonderfully cast here as a towering, silent brute. Vaughn of course might be known for his comedic work, but he’s actually got an impressive range that’s very rarely utilized (see BRAWL AT CELLBLOCK 99 for more details). Here he excels as the Butcher. Effective, brutal, and cold. He’s been on a killing spree lately, which we see a bit of at the beginning, and he’s definitely looking to kill some more. And it looks like he found a spooky looking occult dagger

Newton, known to genre fans from her recurring role in SUPERNATURAL, is very likeable as the main lead, Millie. Having recently suffered from the loss of her father, Millie is currently dealing with the ongoing depression that the loss put on her mother, as well as her own struggles to return to normality. Can she survive a day at school from the usual trials, tribulations, bullies, and high school crushes, let alone a serial killer lurking nearby?

And thus their two paths meet in the most unexpected (or very expected) of ways. We soon witness a thrilling chase, very reminiscent of the best Michael Myers and Jason hunts-- in fact this whole chase actually takes place on the eve before Friday the 13th, a very knowing wink to the genre that birthed this film. And soon the Butcher, with Millie in his grips, claims his latest victim… only he doesn’t… darn those occult daggers!

And that’s when the two leads really showcase their acting chops. Vaughn is now a frazzled high school student, and Newton is the silent and sinister stalker. Both take on their new roles excellently and they both embody (heh) them flawlessly. Vaughn is awkward and fragile and Newton is menacingly fierce as fuck. Newton utterly transforms into someone else and her performance is a total triumph. Vaughn is adorable. 

Seeing them both re-interact/meet with their friends (and foes) in their new forms is endless fun. You see Vaughn run like a girl and Newton go on a homicidal spree. You see Vaughn give off his best flirty eye and Newton’s best glare of doom. They both seamlessly fill their new roles.

But it’s not quite the seamless exchange for Millie and the Butcher. Millie clumsily gets used to their bigger and stronger frame… and the Butcher realizes they are not as strong as they once were. A lot of what works about this ride is seeing how they both adapt to their new struggles and use it to their advantage. The Butcher has a new mask, and Millie soon finds confidence in herself in her new self. 

The supporting cast is used with great effect, too. They all get us to where we need to be. Everyone serves a purpose. From the mom, to older sister/cop, to the comic relief, to the love interest, and classmates of varying degrees of douchebagginess. Everyone is either likeable or unlikeable as they should be. There’s even a nice nod to previous academic farces with a cameo from FERRIS BUELLER’S Alan Ruck as an asshole shop teacher. 

Director Christopher Landon is really slicing out a nice niche of off-kilter spins in the horror genre, and it’s reassuring that he knows what he’s doing. It truly is a well-crafted film. Not just as a horror film, but also from a technical standpoint. The pacing is dead perfect, every joke hits, the story beats and setups are well orchestrated, and not a moment is wasted. It’s tense when it needs to be tense, gory when it needs to be gory, and legit laugh out loud moments when it needs to have those LOL moments.

It’s such a great spin to the body-swap comedy genre, a genre that feels like there’s an endless amount where they all sort of felt very “samey”; especially in the 80s, where at one point three different body-swaps came out within 2 years of each other! This one takes the better elements of those, relishes in them, carves new ground, and adds a bit of Tom Hanks’ BIG in for good measure.

 But homage to a decade old cinematic fad aside, at no point does it ever stop delivering on the humour and slasher content. It’s tight, daring, and keeps you enthralled throughout. Whether you’re a horror junkie, or into well-written oddball comedies, or even into clever thrillers, the end result has you covered.

There’s a great message in there too, as the film tackles school killings, social media, pc culture, and the general malaise many of us experience after the loss of a loved one. It’s about grief and acceptance and moving on… yet it’s very light-hearted. And you still get ample buckets of blood and splatter.

Yes, fans, there’s so many gruesome and cool looking on screen deaths your morbid heart’s desire. Amazing uses of wine bottles, tennis rackets, chainsaws, and industrial equipment. A creepy serial killer flophouse complete with creepy mannequins and various implements of torture. Possibly a severed head in a bloody toilet? Yeah, this film has that too.

You can currently rent this one on various VOD services. Hopefully this one hits the majority of streaming services soon, since it had the misfortune of opening late last year during the pandemic. It definitely needs a wider audience because it’s another one of those instant classics. It’s easily my favourite current horror-comedy, and I’m looking forward to more from Christopher Landon. A film that’s both goofy and gory with just enough twists to keep your attention and please jaded genre fans? That’s freaky.

[gbhbl]

Horror Movie Review: Freaky (2020)

Horror Movie Review: Freaky (2020)

“Your touch makes my pussy as dry as sandpaper, you fucking monkey. I can’t wait to kill you.” Freaky is a 2020 American comedy slasher film directed by Christopher Landon. Four teenagers are brutally murdered by a serial killer known as the Blissfield Butcher. Who then steals an ancient dagger known as La Dola. The next day, bullied high school student Millie Kessler attends the Blissfield…

[thereislifeafterhq]

Austyn Croft is 43 years young with a birthday on April 10th. She hails from Milford, Nebraska but now lives in New York, New York. She is an Officer With The NYPD and looks a bit like Kate Moennig.

Full Name:

Austyn Casey Croft

Pronouns:

She/Her

Gender:

Cis-Female

Sexuality:

Lesbian

3 Positive Traits:

+ driven + organized + confident

3 Negative Traits:

- hardheaded - sarcastic - steely

Biography:

triggers: drug abuse, alcoholism, death

Austyn was born the third of four children to Andrea and Jeremiah Croft. Her older sister, Macey, was born when their parents were barely out of high school. Almost eight years later, her older brother, Landon, would be born. Three after that, Austyn, and three more after that, Bennett. Austyn was always in her older brother’s hair and, for the most part, he didn’t mind. He taught her to play guitar and appreciate good music. However, he also got her high, gave her alcohol on top of that high, and then let her loose on the world. It was what he had done for himself and he only felt right passing it on.

To say Austyn was very much a sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll kind of child would be an understatement. She was the kind of person that got by in school by the skin of her teeth. Was caught smoking under the bleachers with a bottle of alcohol in middle school. It wasn’t like there was much to do in Milford, Nebraska anyway. Her parents owned a farm and she worked it and worked it well. She was better when it came to using her hands than using her brain. And her ability with a guitar proved that. Most of the time she could hear a song a handful of times and be able to play it without little help at all. She ran track somewhat consistently through middle and high school because they wouldn’t let her play football.

The one thing Milford always seemed to have a lot of, was parties. Bonfires, house parties, didn’t matter, they had them and they had them frequently. Like much of the population of her high school, Austyn attended them regularly. Between the drugs and the alcohol and an appearance that just screamed dyke, making out with girls at these parties was easy. Not that it seemed anyone believed she was actually gay, unless they weren’t straight either. At one of these parties in her freshman year, she fucked Landon’s girlfriend, who later broke up with him for reasons she didn’t feel the need to discuss. Austyn fucked her a few more times before she went off to college and was never heard from again.

One night in her senior year, just before winter break, Austyn got caught completely crossfaded, by her father. She was following in her older brother’s footsteps and Jeremiah Croft wasn’t having it. He gave her an ultimatum, get her shit together, or get out. Not really wanting to get disowned, Austyn got clean and sober, making that Christmas her worst Christmas, ever. But, no one ever really noticed. She’d always been the miserly sort, so her mood worsening in her sobriety didn’t really faze anyone. In fact, no one knew she got sober. But, it certainly caused a riot when, the day after graduation,

Austyn left for Camp Lejeune and Marine Corps Boot Camp. It was while she was in the military that Austyn really got to know her younger brother. She’d known he was gay from a young age, but he’d put up his walls and did everything he could to be a masculine man. At least until he went to college and was more capable of being himself. Which is when Austyn connected with him properly. They’d had being gay in common, but it hadn’t exactly established much of a bond between them. Something about writing letters back and forth had drawn them closer and when Bennett had introduced Austyn to his boyfriend, Christopher, she’d been proud.

In 2004, via surrogate, Ben and Chris would welcome son Logan into the world and Austyn would become an aunt for the second time, Macey and her husband having had a child a few years before. Austyn wouldn’t be able to come home from deployment until months after Logan was born, but she received plenty of pictures to bide her over. And she thoroughly enjoyed receiving them. Roughly five years later, via surrogate again, they’d welcome daughter Casey into the world. Once again, Austyn would be deployed. However, this time was different. The men had expressed that they were naming their children after their favorite heroes but for the life of her, Austyn couldn’t figure out what big name hero was named Casey. It was then that they revealed the child had been named after Austyn, as her middle name is Casey. In her excitement, Austyn let out a scream so loud anyone within earshot was worried that she’d actually been shot. Austyn was there, however, when Ben and Chris legally got married in 2011, as well as when Remy was born in 2014.

While in the Marine Corps, Austyn moved up the ranks quickly and efficiently. She was good at what she did and it gave her purpose. She knew what she was doing with her life and she thrived. She dated a bit, here and there, but it was primarily just fucking. Being a lesbian in the military had its downsides and she was careful about who she told what. Her life was one worth living, though. She was an aunt, she loved her work, and there really didn’t feel like there was anything missing, even without a partner to share her life with. Most of the ones she did find were in the military and the ever present fear of getting a call that they’d died in combat, millions of miles from, just sat too heavy.

At the age of 43, ranked Master Gunnery Sergeant, after 25 years of service, Austyn gave it all up. Not because she wanted to, but because she had to. Bennett and Christopher had died in some sort of accident, whether in or out of a car no one was actually sure, in June of 2019. Their three children weren’t wanted by any other immediate family, Christopher having been disowned and no one else on Bennett’s side wanting to take them. So, Austyn did. She retired, uprooted her life and moved from San Diego to New York City, all to keep family, in the family. She managed to find work with the NYPD and did her best to adjust to her new life. Raising three children between the ages of 4 and 17 was going to be her hardest mission yet, but she was ready, she had to be, for their sakes.

[childrens-draft]

Children’s Draft Characters as John Mulaney Quotes

Matteo: “No! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!”

Will: “I’m not gonna kill that guy either because I am often wrong.”

Landon: “I’ve never been with my girlfriend and thought like, ‘Oh honey, tonight is going great, but do you know what would make it perfect? Charles and Ellen Mulaney.”

Holly: “All of his jokes were very anti-work, which is not always what you want from a healthcare professional.”

Connor: “Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that...”

Aaron: “It’s like what? Were bullets free back then?”

Sean: “I was hoping that I’d look older by now, but it didn’t happen.”

Tristan: “It’s wrong to make fun of people, but it’s so fun sometimes.”

Gavin: “Before I had a girlfriend I had no standard for how I should be treated as a human being.”

Clayton: “I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen...and then I didn’t.”

Daniel: “But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady. I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole...that works at blockbuster video.”

Logan: “When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much.”

Trevor: “A hundred drunk white children yelling ‘fuck...da...police’ with the confidence of guys who have like already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore.”

John: “Kids would call me China-man, which of the racial slurs has gotta be the laziest.”

Peter: “I will pepper in the fact that I am gay.”

Isaac: “So that’s why you can’t give to charity.”

Alan: “Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it.”

Ned: “8th graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way.”

Kent: “I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it.”

Felix: “Whoa, the bar is so much lower than I ever imagined.”

Justin: “Just ‘cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting.”

Marcus: “He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, ‘this is the height of luxury’.”

Jean-Paul: [imitating French accent] “Oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker.”

Michael: “No one knows what you’re talking about you idiot, you know how you talk to your grandma.”

Seth: “Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.”

Christopher: “Is he cool, like Ferris Bueller?”

Andrew: “She said, ‘I’m gonna leave the room. You undress to your comfort level.’ So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants and I felt safe.”

Blake: “You know, like, the plan with Irish people is like, I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.”

Jason: “We started chanting, ‘McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s!”

[sm0keandmirr0rs-archived]

The Next Generation.

Under read more because there’s a lot of fucking children I needed to make a list. Let me know if I forgot anyone.

@sacrosanctvm

Ronnie x Jared

Evangeline Bystrom (unknown fc)

Sullivan x Harlow

Annalynne Briggs-Shepard (Natalie Dyer fc)

Quinn Briggs-Shepard (Ed Speleers fc)

Ellis Briggs-Shepard (Jamie Blackley fc)

Unnamed son (Taron Egerton fc)

Timothy x Cadence 

Tiffany Hobbs (Violett Beane fc)

@thexgattixgang

Tobias x Jelasa 

June Parker (Brittany O’Grady fc)

@alexanderscorner

Valentina x Alexander

Amelia Courtney (Gigi Hadid fc)

Faith Courtney (Bella Hadid fc)

Leonard Courtney (Jeremy Sumpter fc)

Michaelangelo Courtney (unknown fc)

@theveinsoftheunknown

Troy x Josie

Andrew Reynolds (unknown fc)

@heartoffairies

Hazel x Ryder 

Montgomery Ella Kingston (Liana Liberato fc)

Mary Elizabeth Kingston (Sydney Sierota fc)

Ryden Christopher Kingston (Freddie Stroma fc)

Hayden Summer Kingston (Was Ashley Tisdale fc but changed)

William  Ryder Kingston (Peyton Meyer fc)

Lauren x Mason

Larkin Augustus Kingston (Tom Payne fc)

Morgan Lily Kingston (Emilie De Ravin fc)

Landon Eli Kingston (Logan Lerman fc)

Madelynn Asher Kingston (Kaya Scodelario fc)

Troy x Olivia

Peyton Reynolds (Olivia holt fc)

Unnamed son (unknown fc)

Lilac x Manu

Chelsealynn Rose-Pelekai (Sofia Carson fc)

Manu Pelekai Jr. (unknown fc)

Gilbert Pelekai (Adam Sevani fc) 

Francisco “Frankie” Pelekai (Ross Butler fc)

Malik Pelekai (Leo Howard fc)

Anuhea Pelekai (unknown fc)

Adele Pelekai  (unknown fc)

Kapena Pelekai (Vanessa Merrell fc)

Elvira Pelekai (Veronica Merrell fc)

Koa Pelekai (unknown fc)

Hana Pelekai  (unknown fc)

Anton Pelekai  (unknown fc)

Ezio Pelekai (Bruno mars fc)

Camilla Pelekai  (unknown fc)

Keoni Pelekai  (unknown fc)

Isabella x Micah

Maria Rivera (Rowan Blanchard fc)

Unnamed son (Brandon Larracuente fc)

Unnamed daughter (Cecilia "Ceci" Balagot fc)

Unnamed son (Alex Aiono fc)

Bryce x Cade

Unnamed daughter (Avery Schlereth fc)

Unnamed daughter (Auli’i Cravalho fc)

Jace Monroe (Boo Boo Stewart fc)

Ryan x Lissa

Celeste Bane (Ariel Winter fc)

Arabella Harvey (Ava Allan fc)

Anthony x Lissa

Celeste Bane (Ariel Winter fc)

Sefina x Cade

Jace Monroe (Boo Boo Stewart fc)

Bailee x Micah 

Unnamed daughter (Ana Golja fc)

Hayden x Rosalie 

Brooklyn Langston (Brooklyn Beckham fc)

Romeo Langston (Romeo Beckham fc)

Cruz Langston (Cruz Beckham fc)

Harper Langston (Harper Beckham fc)

Unnamed daughter (unknown fc)

@valarmorghulis--valardohaeris

Dante x Dany

Grace Nielson (unknown fc)

Unnamed son (unknown fc)

@businessdaddyben

Maialynn x Benjamin

Unnamed daughter (unknown fc)