#fucking triangular matrix

[pricknim]

Of all the possible data structures possible ofc I get the one that I have no idea how to use...

[edmund-valks]

Interlude - The Maw

A blacksmith would have taken different steps.  Forge the blade, give it a handle, wrap the handle.  Something like that, at least.  Thankfully she was able to skip most of that by designing a mold and taking extraordinary care in its production.  A perk of being smart, as she figured it.

The metal was nearly ready.  It wasn’t the colour of anything she’d seen back on Azeroth, instead shedding four different glows at once.  They overlapped and intertwined because nothing here was ever simple.  Ilandreline wasn’t one for metaphors, but even she could recognize this one: four ores, wildly distinct, that could only be properly alloyed through the use of a fifth.  Naturally the alloy was stronger than any of them independently.  Also it was a bastard to work with.

She fed the ingots into the crucible, watching as the forge’s heat quickly liquefied the elethium.  A pull of the lever and it drained into the waiting mixture, which one more movement injected into the waiting mold.  That had been the real work, creating the exact negative space needed inside a block of solid stone.  Not just any stone, of course, but the kind that wouldn’t melt in a furnace designed to bind souls to metal.  Getting pieces of the Black Empire was hard enough even before one crossed into the realms of the dead.

Once the mixture had filled the block, Ila grasped it with the tongs she’d liberated from the soulforger whose workspace she now used.  Steadiness was required to keep the metal from sloshing out or the whole thing from upending.  Her movements were slow and deliberate, never jerking.  A device was only as good as its craftsmanship; she intended this one to be her masterpiece.

Typically one would quench using a specific liquid.  Fresh water, salt water, olive oil, certain beverages made by the dwarves… what one used depended on the desired outcome and the materials involved.  For this it was something a bit more unusual.  The Maw had recently become the destination for a great deal of anima drawn from the spirits being repented in Revendreth.  This made for a sharp, hungry quench, which was precisely what she needed.  She lowered the discomfiting block of slick stone into the roiling crimson, listening to the violent hissing as the alloy took shape.

Once the soul-steam had cleared and the little barrel was minutes removed from its moment of boiling, she fished the mold out with her borrowed tongs.  "This better have worked," she muttered, mostly to externalize the worry.  Better out than in, that sort of thing.  "Only one way to find out."

Placing the black brick on the anvil nearby, she inspected every side for cracks or gaps.  The only one she could find was the little hole where she'd added the molten metal, so… maybe it had happened?  Picking up the hammer she'd made for just this purpose, Ilandreline closed her eyes and sought the resonance.  It was so much easier now than that first time.  That was how she'd survived the darkest path into the Shadowlands, and ever since she'd found herself increasingly aware.  Now it was almost as easy as making saltpeter; not necessarily fast, but a simple task for the experienced.  She felt for her core, dove into it, releasing her perceptions through the nightpurple veins bordering reality.

The Black Empire remnant was anything but dark now.  Even the Maw's dolorous half-light caused a reaction, oil-slick scintilla flaring across the infinitesimal pockmark surface.  In a way, it sang.  Not like a voice, but a tuning fork, a frequency of sensation manifesting multitudinous waves into singular tone.  Where her family's faith resided she felt the echo of kinship.  Reaching through herself, she grasped the thread of the stone's structure and pulled.

In a sweater, such an act would have been the destruction of order that caused its unraveling.  The bedrock of those who dwelt between the stars was made differently, however.  What she had done manifested as an ordering matrix, leaching the inherent structural chaos out, snapping the minerals into some kind of grid.  Gripping tightly through the depths of her soul, Ilandreline raised the hammer high and swung.

The hardened shadowghast strikeface tolled as it impacted the ruthlessly ordered block.  The sound was brutal in its discordance, an archetypal resonance of shattered chains.  What was held tightest become most undone; the black stone crumbled to dust, its forced structure inverted until it could no longer hold together.

Ilandreline felt her entire self ringing as she set the hammer aside.  The reverberations rattled through her bones, trying to unmake her as thoroughly as she had the old gods' relic.  But she was a Glimmerbow, born of those dark blessings, the ancient primordial unmakers' essence suffusing the deepest fibers of her being.  The resonance traveled through her, unable to find an outlet to erode, equally unable to escape until she opened her mouth.

She didn't scream; this wasn't pain.  Instead she had become an accidental echo chamber, an acoustic amplifier not unlike the elegant curves of a bell.  From inside her structure rang the peal of uncreation.  Open-mouthed she exhaled it into the stygian plains, unable to cease until the note was spent.  Unable to hear, she could still feel the rigid structure of forge beside her eroding beneath the reciprocal action to what she had done.

As suddenly as it began, the moment ended, buckling her knees.  Reflex alone allowed the elf to catch herself, weak-legged and bent over the anvil, eyelids only now able to pry themselves apart.  Unsteady, Ila exerted her focus once more, willing herself to stay standing.  As she did so, refusing to acknowledge the possibility she might collapse, she examined her work.

Atop a fine pile of utterdark sand lay a blade.  It was a single piece, cast-forged, with a tapering, triangular blade emerging from one edge of a metal-wrought vertebra.  Opposite the blade extended the cylindrical smoothness of bone, flaring into a double-knobbed pommel.  It was far more beautiful than she'd expected, or perhaps that was the wrong word.  Elegant?  Fitting.  This was a blade made with purpose, for someone very specific, and such certainty was apparent in its aesthetics.

"Almost done."  Her voice was hoarse though she didn't realize it.  She hardly knew she'd spoken, what with the ongoing ringing in her ears, and the way structures sounds such as speech fell apart in the fading wake of the hammer blow.

Ilandreline forced her legs to stillness, stood straight atop them once more.  Grasping the weapon's handle -- she would wrap it with aged linen later, to give it the feel of something found in an ancient mausoleum -- she turned its stiletto point toward herself.  Her other hand moved to expose an expanse of pale flesh, against which she set the blade.

"Freely given," she murmured, the spoken fraction of a larger recitation mostly contained within her mind.  "A gift for another, made with intent.  A part of me to carry with you."  It was almost embarrassing to say it.  Hearing herself speak so openly brought heat to her cheeks, but it wasn't so bad to shake her from her plan.  Not after coming so far.  

Shutting her eyes, Ilandreline exhaled slowly.  Her free hand rested along the cold curves of the pommel.  Freely given.  Lungs fully empty, she braced herself and pushed.

The blade slid in more easily than she'd expected, quickly piercing through skin and fat and muscle.  Farther and farther she guided it until the change in resistance signified she'd reached her goal.  Just the barest movement more, pricking the exterior of her still-beating heart.  Now the hard part.

Pulling the blade back out was the most excruciating experience of her life.  It was a tool of purpose, to pierce through barriers and bring an end.  To remove it without having killed was to deny it that fulfillment, and so the blade fought her every fraction of the distance.  Blood -- her blood -- flowed over its pyramidal smoothness, slicking everything, trying to undo her efforts and allow the blade to feast on her life.  Gritting her teeth, she looped a finger through the hole in the center of the guard, using the extra leverage to force the dagger out of her flesh entirely.

Slamming the bloodied weapon back on the anvil, Ila scrambled to the forge.  There she snatched up the last of the prepared tools, a length of featureless iron, brilliantly glowing from the infernal heat.  "Fuck, this was a stupid idea."  Laughing at herself, she pressed the white-hot implement against the triangular piercing in her breast, allowing her rasping scream to drown out the sound of flesh cauterizing.

She didn't know how much time elapsed between keeping herself from bleeding to death and when she was able to stand again.  It didn't matter, not really.  The important thing was Loira's gift was finished.  Complete, even.  Totally worth it… but if she loses it I'm gonna kill her.

Chuckling at that, Ilandreline scraped herself together.  Time to get out of here before the Covenants' assault wavered and the Jailer's forces had time to look for things like wayward elves with bad ideas.  She took another quick look at her handiwork as she vacated the premises.  There was no trace of her blood any longer, though she didn't remember wiping it clean, and every now and then the faint ghost light would reflect off a fleck of gleaming darkness.  Sand in the blade?  No, not sand; the dust of the Black Empire.  Absorbed somehow following the sanguine consecration.  Curious, but probably not a big deal.  She hadn't felt anything strange, and her instincts were usually good about that sort of thing.

"Thanks for the help!" she told the forge's previous user, stepping over its hollow corpse.  The spiked helmet that had been something like a head was mangled beyond recognition, as if repeatedly bashed by some kind of heavy blunt object.  Ilandreline hefted her oversized wrench, rested it on her shoulder, and set off.  Hopefully the blood loss wouldn't slow her down too much.  It would be a shame to die before she could actually give Miss Winford her present.

(( Tagging for mentions of @ms-winford ))

[cryptidswrite]

Reckless Abandon

Pairing: Jeongguk x Reader

Genre: angst mostly, a teeny bit of fluff, overwatch au, one shot + epilogue

Warnings: hella geeky with a touch of violence

Word Count: 3,976

Description: Jeongguk is Busan’s pride and joy. He protects the city from all enemies; omnic and talon alike. His face is plastered on every billboard and every street corner. You can’t even drink a can of soda without feeling like he’s watching you. The glitz and glamour he receives is endlessly irritating to you, his mechanic. When will he wake up and see that there's more important things than fame?

Author’s Note: D.va’s animated short had me feeling some type of way. So this is pretty much based off of that. Thanks, Blizzard. If only they’d make a kpop idol D.va skin. Only then will all my dreams have come true. This is my second attempt at truly writing a fic so bare with me.

“Former ESports Champion turned meka pilot, Jeon Jeongguk has done it again! Just last week he risked his life to save Busan from the Keishun ominics. At just 20 years old, he’s become South Korea’s star in the line of defense. Quick to respond to the surprise attack, Jeon and the meka squad were -”

You click off the holovideo with a roll of your eyes and pick up a clean rag to wipe of your greasy face. Rummaging through your tools, you scoff at the latest headlines. Here you are fixing up his mech from the previous week’s battle. He’s all but killed your poor baby, Bunny. The name is lame, you know and Jeongguk reminds you often. Watching how the mech bounces through the battlefields, you feel the name suits her well. So, you’ve lovingly named her Bunny. You nearly took off his head when he brought her back for repairs. The right fusion cannon had been entirely blown off, meaning you had to build a new one from scratch.

Did he care that building that cannon had caused you two sleepless nights? You doubt he’d care much if he knew. He’d probably say “Suck it up, buttercup. The enemy waits for no one.” So you grabbed your wrench and you sucked it up. As much as you hate to say it, the city does depend on him. Hell, the country kind of depends on him. It seems like too much for any one person.

You sigh and hoist yourself inside the mech to finish repairing the inside control panel. You and Jeongguk have been friends for as long as you can remember. It’s funny how you were once modifying his hoverboard when you were kids and now you’re fixing his mech as he comes home from yet another battle. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t worried about him. The boy, who was once carefree and blithe, now shoulders the responsibility of protecting an entire nation. You don’t know how he does it and honestly, you wish he didn’t have to.

Jeongguk taps on the thick glass of Bunny’s windshield. You were so immersed in the control panel, you didn’t hear him come in. Why is he here? You furrowed your brows at him as you opened the back hatch of the mech.

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be out taking pictures with your fans or something?” You say, sounding a little more bitter than you had intended.

He sighs, “Don’t be like that, y/n. The fame thing is annoying and overrated. I’ve told you a thousand times.”

“Whatever. Really though, I told you I’d call you when I’m done with repairs and updates. She’s nowhere near ready. I need at least another week.”

“Another week?” he whines, “I don’t wanna wait anymore.”

You roll your eyes in annoyance and move to get out of the mech. He holds out his hand as an offer to help you down and you take it. “Guk, what’s the rush? The Keishun probably won’t attack for at least another couple of months. You really need a break,”

“You know I can’t take a break. We barely won last time. The enemy is out there evolving and finding ways to become stronger. I have to stay a few steps ahead of them. My squad, this city, the country… They need me at my best. We can’t afford to lose. If I lose, than we lose everything. I’m not going to risk that.”

“Stopping putting all of this on yourself. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak. You’re only human, Jeon.”

He shrugs and says, “I know. I’ve got this.”

You know he’s not listening to what you’re saying. You sigh and give up on scolding him. It’s an old fight, you know it will come up again. He’s always worried about everyone else and never himself. It makes you so angry you could scream, but you won’t. Having been his friend for so long, you should probably learn to accept his fearless martyr attitude. But why should you have to accept it? It’s entirely unfair. While he’s off worrying about the rest of the world, someone needs to worry about him.

You turn your back to him and grab the large cable laying on the ground. You plug it into the main computer that programs the mech. You need to push this matter aside and focus on running program tests for Bunny.

“Can you please get in the mech and see if the right arm has decent mobility?” You say gently, without looking at him. You know that if you look at him right now, you might cry out of frustration and that will upset him. He has enough on his plate without worrying about you too.

“Alright.”

Once you hear the closing clicks from the back hatch of the mech, you allow yourself to turn around. The mech immediately comes to life around him and he’s fully focused on the task at hand. He does as you say and moves the right arm through a full range of motions. Somehow, he looks the most natural inside the mech. You can’t explain it.

Maybe it’s because you’re so used to seeing him in the mech. Somehow, it’s almost like Bunny has become a part of him. Maybe it’s the fluid way he pilots the mech. There’s never a hiccup or pause between his thoughts and the mech’s movements. He’s really an incredible pilot, you must admit. He never fails to leave you in awe. You’d never tell him this though. His ego is already much too big for your liking.

“She’s moving better than ever. The arm even feels lighter! How’d you do it?” He turns the mech towards you, excitement radiating through his smile. You can’t help but grin back, feeling your chest swell with pride. He did recognize your hard work.

“I’m glad you’ve noticed. I wanted to experiment with using carbon fiber material instead of the steel we have been using. It’s much lighter, but just as strong. We’ll see how this one holds up in battle and then I might replace the left cannon with the same material.”

He ejects himself from the mech to closer inspect the fusion cannon. Running his fingers along the bright green paint, he turns to you with a grin.

“This is fucking incredible, y/n. Do you know how much faster I can move? Imagine a whole meka made of this stuff. We’d be lethal!”

You laugh, “You already are lethal, but yeah. That’s the end goal. Even with just the cannons replaced, it’ll tone down the overall bulk of the mech. I’ve also been working on ways to narrow down the spread of the cannons so you can be more precise with your aim.”

“You really are brilliant, you know that?”

You smirked, “Obviously. You’d be screwed without me.”

“Honestly, I would be.”

You move around him and climb back into the mech. “Okay. Enough of the sappy shit, Jeon. Bunny and I have tests to finish running.”

“I can help, you know. It is my mech after all.”

You open your mouth to argue, but something on the computer monitor caught your eye. That can’t be right… An incoming enemy? You get out of the mech, scrambling to get a better look. The monitor flashes blood red and you can hear the shrill city sirens go off, signaling for the people of Busan to take cover. Four aircrafts are making their way towards the meka base.

“No, no, no. It’s too early. They attacked just last week. How do they have more omnics ready?”

Jeongguk had already pulled the heavy cable from Bunny and locked himself inside. His headset was on and he began checking each system to prepare for take off.

“Guk, no! Y-you're not ready. I’ll call the rest of the team. You have to sit this one out!” You say firmly, stepping in front of Bunny.

“We can’t wait for backup, y/n. The omnics will be in the city by then. I can’t let that happen. I’m going.” He looks at you fiercely and from that one look you know that you’ll never be able to talk him out of it. You feel your heart break as you step aside for him take off.

Soundlessly, you sit down at the monitor and slip on your headset. If he’s going to be an idiot and charge into battle, than you’re going to be there to talk him through it. There’s no way in hell you’re going to just sit on the sidelines and watch him get hurt. You quickly pull the radar onto the screen to find the direction the Keishun are heading.

“It looks like they’re heading north, towards Suyeong-gu.” Your voice cracks slightly as you say this.

If he recognized the hesitance in your words, he didn’t show it. “I’m on it. Boosters engaged!” He calls.

Without even a glance, he takes off from the meka base and toward the Keishun. You kept telling yourself not to cry. You have to stay focused right now, you don’t have time to cry. You pulled the mech’s dash camera on to the screen, this way you could see exactly what he sees. You also pulled up a screen from the mecha hud, in order to monitor Jeongguk’s vitals.

You watched as he soared through the sky. The enemy’s small dots on the radar grew closer and closer to Bunny’s. The aircrafts took form before the camera on the dash. They’re much smaller than you had expected, about half the size of a jet. However, you knew better than anyone not to dismiss the omnic based on the size of the aircraft. The body of the craft is flat and triangular with four cord like appendages spinning behind it. As stupid as it sounds, it reminds you a little of a mechanical squid.

The omnics spot Jeongguk immediately and aim a barrage of missiles toward him. The missiles streak through the sky at an unforgiving speed, but Jeongguk was a step ahead.

“Activating Defense Matrix.” You hear his voice through your headset, tone calm and even.

The missiles soar into the matrix and explode meters away from their obvious target. Jeongguk gave them no time to react before flying into an attack of his own. He wove through the sky and aimed his micro missiles at the nearest omnic, effectively removing it from the battle. The remaining three went separate ways; One retreating, one racing towards the meka base, and the last flew straight towards the city.

“Watch it, Guk! They’re splitting up.” You warn, voice tense.

“I see it!” He calls as he races toward the omnic retreating.

You don’t care what Jeongguk said, you’re calling Jimin for backup. You quickly type in the code to have the meka base system send for help. You pray Jimin will make it there in time.

 Bunny caught up to the enemy in mere seconds. Jeongguk flew above the omnic and shot it down from above. ‘Two down, two to go.’, you thought. Maybe you shouldn’t have signaled for Jimin to come. Just as you thought that, the Keishun omnic that was headed toward the base flipped around and headed straight for Bunny.

“Jeongguk! Behind you!” You cry, feeling your heart jump into your throat..

Caught of guard, he turned Bunny around just to be thrown in the midst of the enemy’s missile attack. He didn’t have enough time to activate his Defense Matrix, he’d have to try and dodge the oncoming missiles. He swerved sharply to the right, but he wasn’t fast enough to save Bunny’s left arm.

“Dammit.” He growled through clenched teeth. He aims for the Keishun using only his right fusion cannon. His bullets caught the enemy’s craft and the omnic fell from the sky.

“Y/n. Where’s the last one?”

“He’s headed toward the city. You’ll have to hurry.”

Jeongguk whipped the mech towards the city and sped off, pushing Bunny as fast as she could go. You could hear his bated breaths through the headset and his pleas for Bunny to make it there in time. Your chest felt tight and you thought you were going to puke. You gripped the desk fiercely, knuckles white, in a desperate attempt to ground yourself.

With the last omnic in sight, Bunny unleashed an array of missiles and bullets toward the enemy. You’ve never seen Jeongguk miss a shot, never, but this time he missed. Something definitely feels off. You check Bunny’s hud for Jeongguk’s vitals and run a quick damage report on Bunny. Jeongguk is fine, but he had pushed Bunny too hard. Her boosters are beginning to fail, which is causing the mech to drag.  

“Guk, Jimin should be on-” The remaining omnic took you both by surprise. It turns it’s aim from the city and races toward Guk’s mech. He raises Bunny’s right fusion cannon to aim, but it’s too late. The omnic slams into Bunny and wraps it’s four tentacle-like arms around them. Jeongguk tries to aim the right fusion cannon towards the omnic, but the omnic was too strong and snapped the mech’s arm clean off. The Keishun was trying to crush the mech.

“Y/n. I need your help. I need you to override Bunny’s system.” His voice is calm and sure. If he’s afraid, you can’t tell.

“I-I can’t. You know that will cause her to self destruct.” You say. You didn’t realize you’ve been crying until you heard your voice crack. Dammit. This isn’t the time. You will yourself to pull it together.

“I’ll be fine, y/n. Trust me.” He tells you softly. To your right, you can see Jimin’s meka on the landing strip getting ready for take off. You quickly send Bunny’s coordinated to Jimin’s meka. He will be there soon. You just need to buy him a little time.

“I need you to buy me a few minutes to override the system. Can you do that, Jeon?” You’re lying through your teeth. You know each program on that mech like the back of your hand. You could do it in seconds, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“Hell yeah, I can.”

He uses what’s left of Bunny’s left arm to swing at the omnic. You hear the sharp sound of crunching metal as he lands the hit.  He grabs his hand-held blaster from beside him, sticks his arm underneath Bunny’s windshield and fires at the omnics lower left arm. The metallic tentacle falls dead weight. Out of the corner of your eye, you watch Jimin’s mech take flight toward the city. So you begin to override the system.

“Alright, I’ve got it. You have sixty seconds until Bunny self destructs. Jimin will be there to catch you.”

“That’s not fast enough! We’ll be in the city by then. It’s gotta be now.” He says. You can hear the distinct clicks of the back hatch opening. You know exactly what he’s planning and your eyes widen with panic.

“Jeongguk, don’t you fucking dare.” You cry, vision blurring.

“I’ll be alright, y/n. I’ll see you soon, okay?” He didn’t give you any time to answer. He ejects himself from the mech, uses his blaster to take careful aim at Bunny’s core and fires.

You run to the window in time to see a green light flash across the sky. You know somewhere Jeongguk has fallen into the water bellow.

_____________________________________

Jeongguk can only remember small fragments of events after the initial blast. He remembers briefly fighting against the water with his lungs burning and his legs heavy. He remembers a bright light shining down on him and people shouting as the waves lapped against his listless aching body. He remembers your warm hand grasping his as he was being wheeled along under fluorescent lights. He could here your pleas for him to hold on. He wished he weren’t so tired. He wished he could squeeze your hand back and tell you he was alright.

The lights were bright and they make his eyes ache. He wishes someone would turn them off, or at least dim them. Jeongguk turns his head to the side and finds you curled up in a chair, staring out the window. He wonders what you’re thinking about. He swallows harshly, lips and throat feeling dry.

“Hey.” You hear him say, voice hoarse and tired.

You reply with a soft ‘Hi’, attention still on the street bellow. You feel exhausted. You haven’t been able to sleep since he’s been in the hospital. The doctors have offered you a bed and pills to help you fall asleep, but you don’t want them. You wanted to be here when he woke up. Now, you’re really not sure why. You’d cried all day yesterday, how do you still have anything left?

Nonetheless, you felt tears spill down your cheeks. You really don’t want him to see you cry. He hates it when you cry.

“How long have I been out?” He asks, wincing as he moved to sit up. His arms and back are still so sore. He wonders how far he fell.

“Two days, not too long.” Your voice is barely above a whisper.

“Are you crying? God, please don’t cry. You have the ugliest crying face.” He teases you, hoping to ease the tension surrounding the room.

You turn toward him feeling absolutely furious. Standing up, you march to his bedside and deliver a sharp smack to the back of his head.

“Ow, what the hell is the matter with you?” He rubs his head glaring at you.

“What the hell is the matter with YOU? Do you know what it’s been like fucking waiting here while you were in surgery? While you’ve been sleeping? This whole thing could have been prevented if you’d just let someone help you, but God forbid you let someone else steal your fucking spotlight. You run headfirst into these life or death situations without thinking of the consequences and I’m fucking sick of it. I never should’ve let you go out there alone. I should’ve locked Bunny down and made your dumbass wait for backup. Never again, Jeongguk. I swear. I’ll never let anything like this happen again…” Your eyes are brimmed with tears and burning with a kind of anger Jeongguk has never seen from you.

“Do you really think I did all that for a headline or two?” He sounded sincerely hurt and you almost felt bad for implying that.

“I don’t know, Jeongguk. I can’t figure out if you’re extremely selfish or just stupidly selfless. All I know is that I can’t watch you kill yourself.”

“I'm not gonna die, y/n. Jesus. Will you please-”

“I love you too much for that. I….I don’t think I can be your mechanic anymore.” You cut him off, tone much softer than before. You’ve been thinking about this for weeks now and you wish it hadn’t come down to this, but it feels like it has too. You can’t watch him destroy himself with his reckless decisions.

“Y/n…..I can’t do this without you. This isn’t about fame, it never has been. I just want to protect this country and everyone I love. I’ll admit, I should have waited for backup. I pushed Bunny to hard and I destroyed her. I did it to protect everyone, not for the fame. Please, I need you there…” Ignoring the plea of his body to stay resting, he leaned forward and took your hand.

You couldn’t look at him right now because you know you’d give him anything he wanted if you did. You muffled a sob with your other hand. Why does he have to make this so difficult for you?

He tugged you closer to him with a grimace and you didn’t put up a fight. You know you should have, but you couldn’t. Not when you heard the break in his voice as he whispered ‘come here’. He pulled you close and felt the sobs you had been fighting rake through your body. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and held you as close he possibly could.

“I know I’m reckless. I know I don’t think things through like I should, but I can try to be more careful. I'll take a break even. I just…. I didn’t know it upset you so much. Please, y/n. Just stay.”

“I'm sorry, Jeongguk. I-I'm so sorry.”

You tried to pull away, but he just held you even tighter. You felt his tears soak through the shoulder of your shirt. Why are you so weak? Your mind was screaming at you to get up and leave, but you just couldn't. Not with him choking out hysterical apologies and clinging to you the way he is. The dam was broken now and every little emotion that he had held back was hitting him full force. You couldn’t leave him like this. Your resolve was crumbling fast, but it didn’t matter anymore.

You laid down next to him and he clung to you. You ran your fingers through his hair while he cried. His shaky breath began to slow down and you knew he was falling asleep. You let your mind wonder.

Maybe, you could stay. Maybe, he meant what he said and he just didn’t know how seriously this affected you and those around him. Maybe, you’re just thinking too hopefully. Maybe, you’re just exhausted and incapable of making any kind of decisions right now.

“I love you, Guk.” you whispered to him. You doubt he heard it.

Your eyes felt too heavy to keep open and you let yourself finally drift into sleep.

___________________________________

You were gone when he woke up. He should've been able to predict that, but it still stung. He'd hoped that maybe you would change your mind, as selfish as that sounds. Maybe he should listen to you. He’s been in battles much worse, but this time around even he couldn't deny that he had taken it too far.

Did he really expect to be able to live a long and healthy life like this? You're right and he knew it. It's just hard to understand the reality of the situation. He needed to make some changes. It seemed dramatic when you said it, but it's true. He's killing himself and he can't keep it up anymore.

He tapped the button to call the nurses in. His head was pounding and he wasn't sure if it was the injuries or the thoughts swirling around his skull. He wandered where his phone was, if someone would bring it to him. He's ready to give up piloting mekas for good if that's what it took to keep you there. None of it really mattered if you weren't by his side. He loves you and it’s time for him to tell you.