#gaskell rewatch liveblog

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Just about to rewatch S20E28 “Into The Light”, ft. Dr. Ethan Hardy. Also with major storylines for both my fucked up queer king and my very slightly less fucked up queer king, yet I don’t think they share a single scene in this episode. Wild. They probably did have one that got cut for being too gay or something.

Edit 1: John just screaming in the peace garden is extremely relatable.

Edit 2: I forgot Becky Prestwich and Nick Fisher wrote this one. I don’t know who I thought wrote it but it wasn’t them.

Edit 3: Henrik in his getting therapy era!!!

Edit 4: Oh fuck, not John lying to Jac about the other trial patients.

Edit 5: Essie!!

Edit 6: “You [Rox and John] work well together, you always have.” I think there’s definitely a place you’d like John and Rox to work together, Henrik... ;)

Edit 7: Not Rox also lying to Henrik about the trial though.

Edit 8: Oh fuck, Raf’s dad and Henrik meeting each other.

Edit 9: Guy!! Fucking!! Henry!!

Edit 10: Oh hi Ethan!

Edit 11: Ethan Hardy, canonical Doctor Who fan, sharing scenes with Paul McGann is HILARIOUS.

Edit 12: The patient is Ritchie the lawyer from Eastenders apparently. I didn’t recognise her but my mom pointed it out.

Edit 13: Ethan trying to get involved with the trial was a great idea and really realistic.

Edit 14: Henrik wearing all purple. Bi king.

Edit 15: Now I can only see the patient as Ritchie Scott, send help.

Edit 16: Roxanna looking gorgeous.

Edit 17: Donna’s ex Jared mention!

Edit 18: “John, where have you gone...?” “I’m thinking.” More like ‘I’m dissociating’.

Edit 19: John intimidating Rox when she asks if he’s lied to her, in a similar way as Henrik would intimidate Sahira. Interesting.

Edit 20: This Henrik and Essie scene :’))

Edit 21: Kaye Wragg is incredible.

Edit 22: Acknowledgement of Essie’s diabetes!

Edit 23: I love Henrik being gentle.

Edit 24: Rox snooping around in the lab again!

Edit 25: I could listen to Roxanna’s voice all day.

Edit 26: Donna in her plastics era!

Edit 27: Raf’s dad talking to the statue :’) And Henrik going down there too :’)) And GUY HENRY’S ACTING :’))

Edit 28: If the rumours I’ve heard about Ollie on Casualty are right, I hope it’s handled as well for David as the first year or so of Henrik’s reaction to Fredrik was.

Edit 29: Ethan :((

Edit 30: George Rainsford giving a good performance.

Edit 31: Kaye Wragg is BRILLIANT.

Edit 32: Henrik being alexithymic. And the show being possibly the most explicit about his alexithymia they ever have been.

Edit 33: If someone had just got John psychiatric help ages ago...

Also, it’s funny how the scenes are switching between Henrik and John but they still aren’t actually sharing a scene.

Edit 34: Donna being worried about letting her kids down :(

Edit 35: Paul McGann saying the words “Ethan Hardy” sfsfsfsfsfsf

Edit 36: What the fuck John.

Edit 37: Guy Henry’s pronunciation of “olycksfågel” is so awkward.

Edit 38: Roxanna apologising for not being able to get Ethan on the trial. Awww.

Edit 39: Ethan in this episode might actually be the best Casualty character cameo they’ve ever had. They utilised him so well.

Edit 40: “I had to try.”

Edit 41: It’s so odd that Casualty didn’t mention when the truth about Gaskell came out. They’re very valid for ignoring that storyline, obviously, but with Ethan pinning his hopes on the trial... it seems weird they didn’t mention when it all turned out to be medical malpractice.

Edit 42: “Well, you certainly never gave that impression... you always seemed so competent. So in control.” See? See? Henrik didn’t know a single thing about Roxanna, nor did she know anything about him really. They weren’t soulmates. He had an idea, a perfect version of her in his head that he idolised. That’s it.

I do love the “this is how we wrestle back control” speech though.

Edit 43: Roxanna being all cute and geeky.

Edit 44: Henrik in this episode has “other people are easier to fix” energy.

Edit 45: Dom hugging Essie.

Edit 46: Henrik: “Mr. Copeland has it in him to... connect.” Raf’s dad: “We all do.” Henrik: “...Perhaps.”

Relatable autism moment.

Edit 47: Jac: “Whatever you [John] did has worked so far.” :(

Edit 48: Raf’s dad’s little speech to Essie :’))

Edit 49: Ethan was more likeable in this episode than he was in Casualty in 2018.

Edit 50: Awww, Donna giving her patient a manicure!

Edit 51: Rox: “How does that make you feel?” John: “You sound like a therapist.”

Also absolutely laughing my ass off at Rox criticising John for his “moody, secretive silence”.

Edit 52: Society if Rox had killed John instead of the other way around.

Edit 53: Henrik doing his therapy worksheet. We love a man trying his best.

Edit 54: Henrik asks Rox out in a very similar way to how he asks John out in S20E41.

Also, Johnrik TECHNICALLY sharing a scene here, but no actual interaction. And a Hexanna cheek kiss, which is more than we ever got for any other Henrik relationship. :(

Edit 55: Rox screaming in the peace garden. Me too, Rox, me too.

And John looming over Essie for no identifiable reason.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to watch S20E27 “The Anniversary Waltz”, which doesn’t actually have John in it but it has Henrik so I can’t skip it. (I mean I could skip it but... Henrik my bisexual autistic king.)

Edit 1: Ric calling out the government “messing around with [the NHS]” within the episode’s first minute. Now this is the Holby I know and love. This is a Holby that actually still gave a semblance of a damn about being a show about the NHS (it was already fading out from that but it wasn’t that bad yet) instead of being Eastenders with stethoscopes. (Seriously makes me laugh how people praised the final episodes of Holby for paying some lip service to the NHS when it hadn’t been a show about it for years. Pushing anything even remotely political to the side until after the show has already been cancelled isn’t brave writing, it’s cowardice.)

Edit 2: Jac!!

Edit 3: Jac and Nicky’s first meeting. Jac: “Who is she, and why is she following me around like Little Orphan Annie?”

Also, Abigail’s unintentional double entendre to Jac made me laugh my ass off: “Always good to be touched on your entrance.”

Edit 4: An organ donation plot? Joe Ainsworth really ripped off his own script from this episode for the finale lmao.

Edit 5: We can have a patient call Serena “Dr. McKinnie”, but we never got Reyhan calling Henrik “Henrik Lövborg”. Though it was against continuity to have Reyhan be Henrik’s teacher in the first place so I guess it makes sense that they’d also defy continuity by ignoring that Henrik’s surname would’ve been Lövborg at the time.

Edit 6: The first appearance of the nickname “Foetus”!

Edit 7: People doing actual medical stuff?! In my Holby?! Those were the days.

Edit 8: Can you imagine if we’d had Jac/Abigail instead of Flac?

Edit 9: The patient attacking Zav. Jesus.

Edit 10: HENRIK MY BELOVED

Edit 11: Henrik’s body language and speech patterns in this scene are really autistic. Feels like I’m looking in a mirror.

Edit 12: I miss Ric. I miss Ric so much.

Edit 13: Serena’s interactions with her patient are kind of cute actually.

Edit 14: Ric refers to a past patient of his as “built like the Hulk”. Donna: “I never understood why he burst out of his shirt, but not his trousers!”

Man, I adore Donna.

Edit 15: This patient and her husband are adorable. Couple goals.

Edit 16: Jac’s patient telling her he doesn’t think he deserves his heart transplant and Jac telling him he does deserve it. Aww!!

But Jac telling him he has a “better than evens chance of seeing his 75th birthday” makes me really sad because she never even got to make it to 50 :(

Edit 17: HENRIK AGAIN, MY KING

Edit 18: Henrik sharing his lunch with Sheilagh!! Cute.

Edit 19: Glasses Jac!!

Edit 20: Early Jac and Nicky scenes now get me in that “they don’t know how much they’ll mean to one another” meme mood.

Edit 21: Ric: “It’s the longest of longshots.” Me: LISTEN, THAT DISTANCE, BETWEEN US, COULDA TOOK A WHILE--

(I miss the proper Holby trailers with the great music.)

Edit 22: I love Henrik!!!

Edit 23: Henrik mentions reading Pippi Longstocking (or Pippi Långstrump, as she’s known in Swedish) books as a kid.

Edit 24: The elderly patient giving up his chance at a heart transplant so the other patient with a family to look after can get it, aww.

Edit 25: Jac asking if her patient is suicidal :’))

Edit 26: I love Zav.

And this episode is reminding me why I once loved this show.

Edit 27: The storyline with the elderly patient is making me cry.

Edit 28: Zav smiling!!

Edit 29: Serena’s old patient having named his daughter after her always gets me, it’s so cute.

Edit 30: Dom saying he’d like to still be with Lofty in 50 years :((

Edit 31: This episode is a much better and more meaningful tribute to the NHS than the finale ever was.

Edit 32: “But I did get to flirt with a couple fit firemen!” Donna is the best.

Edit 33: Sheilagh giving Lofty his grandfather’s ring to propose to Dom with is so sweet. I miss healthy Dofty.

Edit 34: Serena to Ric: “You’ve been here since, what, the 1920s?”

Edit 35: Not Jac being compared to objects again.

Edit 36: Abi and Fletch in their breakup era.

Edit 37: Serena and Ric getting locked in at Albie’s, lmaooo

Edit 38: And to top off the “Joe Ainsworth ripped off his own script for the finale”, we end the episode with a Jac voiceover.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Anyway it’s S20E14 time, which means the arrival of Queen Abigail Tate :)

Edit 1: Ooh, I’d forgotten this was a Joe Ainsworth one!

Also, remember when stuff that happened in Holby actually had consequences for the hospital? In late Holby, Ric would’ve been right back to normal the minute he arrived at work, despite just having spent months in prison.

Edit 2: Abigail saying she could ask Henrik for advice on being CEO. DON’T, Abigail.

Edit 3: JASON’S HERE, SEND HELP. Also argh Serena going “why don’t we leave Mr. Griffin here to do what he does best??” Jason’s not a child, Serena, even if the writers think he is.

Edit 4: Extremely funny how obsessed these writers were with the word “sapphic” solely to avoid having to decide if Serena was a lesbian or bi.

Edit 5: Fantastic little bit of dialogue. Roxanna, regarding a patient’s risky surgery: “A risk only an addict would take.” The patient: “What does that make John Gaskell?”

Edit 6: Fun fact: you don’t need a risky surgery to have your sense of joy and happiness destroyed, you just need to watch the last 4 years of Holby.

Edit 7: JOHNRIK

Edit 8: I love Johnrik flirting. Also - Henrik wearing pinkish-purple and John wearing blue. Love that.

Edit 9: John talking about “knowing when to stop” like he’s ever been able to do that in his life.

Edit 10: Abi and Fletch was the most forced het romance.

Edit 11: John being baffled by the patient calling Rox “Foxy Roxy”. I tell you he’s gay.

Edit 12: Very early-Henrik esque behaviour from John regarding pushing the patient to have the operation.

Also I’d forgotten what the fuck Abi did to the CEO office. Guy Henry hated it too, actually - the reason they didn’t stick with the green paint was because Guy demanded they change back to a more subtle design once Henrik returned to being CEO.

Edit 13: I checked the interview, it sounds like he actually meant he didn’t like the design of the CEO office around the time he first came back for his second stint (so in 2015). Whatever. The 2018 design still sucks.

Edit 14: Anyway I swear I’m about to start screaming at this patient’s ableist mum lmao.

Edit 15: Serena very hypocritically trying to confront the ableist lady in question lmaooo.

Edit 16: The John and Rox relationship was really fascinating. Do wish so much of the storyline hadn’t been spent on repetitive arguments between the two of them though lol.

Edit 17: “You said ‘thank you Henrik’. What did you mean?” “Let’s focus on the task at hand.” I’d forgotten entirely about this scene! Probably because this one is another episode I haven’t seen since 2018.

Edit 18: John being crazy (affectionate) on main in this episode.

Edit 19: HENRIK

Edit 20: “John, if I hadn’t been there... would you have carried on?” :’))

Edit 21: Abi deserved better than the forced Fletch romance.

Edit 22: Ah, the archetypical Holby “patient makes their injury worse in the middle of an emotional outburst” scene.

Edit 23: The first of several Frankenstein comparisons with Gaskell.

Edit 24: When John says they could try the surgery again, the patient says “So he can still get the headline?”. John bows his head and doesn’t respond.

Edit 25: This whole scene with Ric wondering whether he still fits in at the hospital and considering leaving is really, really sad in light of Hugh Quarshie leaving the show because of how much it changed.

Edit 26: Love John inviting Rox onto the trial because Henrik suggested it.

Edit 27: This patient’s mum is driving me mad.

Edit 28: I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN this John and Abi scene existed.

Also lol. Abi saying to John “if you screw up, we all go down”. Actually he screwed up majorly and there was no aftermath to it.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Watching S20 E33 “Bargaining” tonight, which I think might have Johnrik moments (though if it does they’re only in group scenes, I’m almost completely sure their next one-on-one interaction isn’t until S20 E36 “Keep Your Friends Close”... their last one-on-one interactions were in “Primum Non Nocere”, which was episodes 24 and 25. I’m not joking when I say John and Henrik were almost completely barred from interacting in the middle of the Gaskell story. ://) but I honestly can’t remember. (Same goes for S20 E34. I could’ve checked in advance to see if they have Johnrik scenes but I kind of like not knowing, because if either of them do it’ll be a pleasant surprise.)

Edit 1: Not the “previously on” being 99% Fletch and Jac scenes.

Edit 2: Rox obsessing over watching Jac. It’s Ollie all over again. Also, nice to see John actually prominent in an episode for the first time in a while.

Edit 3: Oh fuck it’s Fletch Senior again.

Edit 4: Rox: “I can’t just stand by and wait for this thing to kill [Jac]!” :(

Edit 5: Fletch Senior AND Jason The Caricature in the same scene. I hate it here.

Edit 6: Jason’s “quirky unintentional rudeness” (like telling Serena she has nothing better to do than look after Guinevere) is a lot better if you pretend he’s deliberately being sassy.

Edit 7: Sacha worrying about Jac :((

Edit 8: SACHA SITTING ON JAC’S BED AND HOLDING HER HAND :((

Edit 9: HENRIK AND JOHN IN THE SAME SCENE. IT’S A GROUP SCENE WITH ROXANNA BUT HUZZAH

Edit 10: John my workaholic king.

Edit 11: Holy shit John’s really not lucid at all is he?

Edit 12: Two bisexuals worrying about the wellbeing of another bisexual.

Edit 13: “I can’t stop thinking about Emma.” Glad someone’s thinking about her, Serena, because the writers clearly weren’t by the end of the show.

Edit 14: Oh no there’s not more Hexanna coming is there?

Edit 15: Oh fuck more Hexanna. :// Love seeing Henrik concerned about Rox, don’t like that it’s meant to be in the context of him being “in love” with her.

Edit 16: John seeing Henrik and Rox and just walking away again :(

Edit 17: Even the slightest possibility that Jac’s tumour was related to John’s experiments makes these episodes so much darker.

Edit 18: Not Serena giving out Jason’s medical information without his consent AGAIN. You can see why Dylan keeps his autism quiet with people like this in the hospital.

Edit 19: “Fix me.” :(

Edit 20: I don’t know if it was intentional, but this patient with the trust issues and paranoia is like a younger version of John.

Edit 21: I don’t know what to make of John’s dynamic with Essie, to this day. On the one hand he mostly seems to see her as an inconvenience, but there are moments he genuinely seems to like or at least respect her.

Edit 22: Everyone handing people coffee in this episode. Henrik to Rox, Donna to Serena.

Edit 23: God, John is completely out of it. :(

Edit 24: Sacha and Henrik visiting Jac!

“The whole hospital sends love to you.” :’))

Edit 25: John putting his arm around Essie, aww.

Edit 26: Rox doesn’t approach Henrik in a corridor and go “ah, Henrik, there you are!” nearly as well as Russ does.

Also, lol. “You and John saved the day.” Love that he feels the need to bring John up.

Edit 27: Serena is so annoying.

Edit 28: John and Rox arguing again.

Edit 29: Rox: “Like with Lana??” Dom and Meena, probably, who know nothing about any of this: ???

Edit 30: Anyway, how come literally the final 5 years of Holby consisted pretty much of Jac having either physical or mental health problems and them being made all about Fletch?

Edit 31: Rox calling John out!

Edit 32: “You know I want Jac to live just as much as you do.” Sure, John. /sarcasm

Edit 33: Okay, the psychotic patient is DEFINITELY meant to mirror John.

Edit 34: “Ms. Naylor would want us to keep our heads, and focus on our patients.” Noting this down for my Henrik grieving about Jac fic.

Edit 35: Not Fletch being the hero.

Edit 36: Henrik insisting on coming into theatre to help Jac!! Aww.

Edit 37: John banging his head against his desk. Same.

Edit 38: Fletch is driving me mad.

Edit 39: The only time Jason’s ever been relatable: being desperate to get some fucking sleep.

Edit 40: John needs a psychiatrist and some good antipsychotics.

Good on Rox calling him out regardless.

Edit 41: “In Lisbon you had the humility to consider stopping the trial. Maybe we should revisit that conversation.” LMAO

Edit 42: They really had all this stuff about how the truth about the trial coming out would be a huge deal and would result in multiple investigations and then they still didn’t actually have any aftermath to the storyline.

Edit 43: What even is this Henrik and Rox scene. I assume this was meant to foreshadow the “ooh Henrik you should take the CEO job that makes you miserable” nonsense.

Edit 44: The psychotic patient is portrayed with sympathy because her psychosis is caused by a physical condition. John is portrayed as evil because his psychosis is caused by mental health issues. And this is the show people want me to praise for “good representation of mental health”?

Edit 45: I love how Rox always looks so done with John.

Edit 46: Love this Rox and John scene actually.

Edit 47: Hermione Gulliford is SO GOOD.

Edit 48: “This isn’t how I wanted it to go.” :(

Edit 49: I can’t take sides between Fletch and his dad because they both annoy me.

Edit 50: Jason: “You can’t just spend the whole day in bed!” Serena: “Oh, I can. And I will.” Not me actually relating to Serena lmao

Edit 51: WTF is this Fletch and Jac scene?!?!

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to rewatch S20E32 “Bygones”, which has a lot more John than the episode before it had (i.e. the episode before it had no John at all).

Edit 1: Was EVERY episode in this era a whole-episode flashback? I swear it feels like every other ep starts with a dramatic scene and then “X hours earlier...”.

Edit 2: Nice Sacha shirt.

Edit 3: Carole sending Dom wedding inspo, aww.

Edit 4: Fletch to Jac: “Have I ever let you down?” Jac: “Should I count the ways?”

Edit 5: Obsessed with Nicky just miming at Fletch.

Edit 6: Essie finding out she’s in remission :’))

Edit 7: Ah, the Patient With No One To Call trope.

Edit 8: John!!

Edit 9: John again!!

Edit 10: No one can deliver a “we need to talk” like John Gaskell can.

Edit 11: John having a flat affect on main.

Edit 12: “Lofty always seems to be one step behind everyone else!” Well, that is kind of what “developmentally disabled” means... (The Holby writers forgot Lofty’s dyspraxic though so.)

Edit 13: Evie, on how Fletch has been talking to her all day: “‘Go to my office’ - ‘go home’ - ‘go to my office’ - ‘go home’... make your mind up!”

Edit 14: Loving Roxanna’s blouse.

And John changing his mind on the flip of a coin because of one little remark from Rox... very BPD.

Edit 15: I love Donna.

Edit 16: Jac and Evie scene!

Edit 17: John being weird in his lab.

Edit 18: John crossing his arms when he’s talking to Essie.

Edit 19: “I know you care, more than you let on.” - Essie to John

Edit 20: John changing his mind about letting Julie’s son on the trial AGAIN, because of Essie.

Edit 21: John stimming.

And lying through his teeth about the safety of the trial. Or genuinely believing it’s safe. It’s hard to tell with him.

Edit 22: Jac looking majestic even while just washing her hands.

Edit 23: Not a Serena and Fletch interaction.

Edit 24: This episode is just Evie exploring every room in the hospital.

Edit 25: Good on Evie calling Fletch out.

Edit 26: “So much has happened to us... to me.” :(

Edit 27: I keep mistaking Essie for Roxanna - petite blonde woman in a flowery outfit...

Edit 28: Not Fletch yelling at Jac and using her trauma against her. How do people ship these two or think they’d have a healthy relationship?

Edit 29: Julie and her son :(

Edit 30: The Darwin patient in this ep is really lovely.

Edit 31: I miss healthy Dofty.

Edit 32: Fletch’s dad’s backstory is actually quite sad. Also - he was 14 when Fletch was born. Making him 13 when Fletch was conceived. Yikes. We don’t know how old his girlfriend was. Yikes again.

Edit 33: Ah, the good old “Holbyverse character’s family member gets a job as a porter” trope.

Edit 34: “My decision is final.” John giving off early Henrik vibes.

Edit 35: Essie pointing out how quickly John changes his mind.

Edit 36: Dom: “I don’t know what I want.” Lofty: “What about what you don’t want?” Dom: “I don’t know what I don’t want.” Relatable.

Edit 37: Dofty were so cute, why did the show ruin them within a year of this?

Edit 38: Jac collapsed in her office, oh fuck.

Edit 39: John watching over comatose Jac. And then walking off to contemplate some weird science stuff in his lab, presumably.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to watch S20E31 "Child in Your Shadow", which has no John unfortunately but it does have lots of Henrik. The downside is most of the Henrik stuff is focused on him being "in love" with Roxanna, but there is the lovely "but you're happy?" scene with Dom and the very interesting conversation he has with Roxanna about religion.

Edit 1: Have to say I laughed at this line from Jac to Fletch: “When did you become so middle class?”

Also - “didn’t you used to be a mechanic?” I wonder if Holby remembers that too, Jac.

Edit 2: HENRIK!!!

Edit 3: These Henrik and Rox scenes are really cute if I pretend they’re supposed to be platonic.

Edit 4: I don’t know why, but there’s something about Henrik’s “We’ll make a general surgeon of you yet!” line that I really love.

Edit 5: Zav!!

Edit 6: Meena on becoming an F2: “First step to me becoming a consultant!” :(

Edit 7: I still think it’s a crime that we didn’t get to see Rox with pink hair.

Edit 8: Henrik you socially awkward motherfucker I love you.

Edit 9: Evie looks so little! I know that’s partly because it’s a different actress but still. Also it’s just wild to me seeing Evie when she was younger because she and I are the same age. (Well, she’s actually a year younger than me but still.)

Edit 10: Henrik is so autistic in this ep.

Edit 11: I wonder whether the “lovely young paramedic” Julie mentioned was any of the Casualty paramedics.

Edit 12: Fletch, why are you scolding your *14 year old* daughter for not looking after your kids properly?

Edit 13: The Henrik/Rox religion conversation!!

Edit 14: “You still believe, do you? After what we’ve both been through?” :( The way Henrik canonically did believe in God at some point so this HEAVILY implies he lost his belief because of what happened with Fredrik. Ow.

Edit 15: After getting therapy 11 episodes ago, Henrik has finished it by this episode. That’s not enough therapy, Henrik.

Also, him saying he can’t see where he’d be in 10 years... I’m happy the answer to that is probably ‘finally out of the closet, away from Holby, and happily married to Russ’.

Edit 16: Julie talking about her son :(

Edit 17: Ah fuck it’s Fletch Senior.

Edit 18: OMG HERE WE GO IT’S THE HENRIK AND DOM SCENE

Edit 19: Since Rox turned Henrik down for her birthday, do you think he went to Dom’s engagement party after all?

Edit 20: “I think you’ve done the work already [...] The clarity. Knowing where you want to be.” :’))

Edit 21: “But you’re happy?” “I couldn’t be happier.” AND HENRIK’S LITTLE SMILE AFTER THAT. I’M ABOUT TO START SOBBING

Edit 22: Meena singing to herself. What a precious dork.

Edit 23: I love a good “Henrik dressed in bi colours” ep.

Edit 24: There was a really bittersweet moment with Henrik trying to support Julie and it was cute. Then they had to go pushing Hexanna in our faces again.

Edit 25: Evie saying Fletch’s dad was too young to be a parent... speaking the truth there. I’d forgotten Fletch’s dad was a young teen when Fletch was born until an anon brought it up recently but it’s still, like, WTF. And they went on to do the same thing with Ange too! And with them both it was framed as totally consensual. Yikes. And that’s also really weird given that Henrik and Jac were around for both storylines, John was there when the Fletch’s dad stuff went down, there’s Sacha whose daughter Rachel was abused... how do you have characters with those backstories and then also write stuff like this?

Edit 26: “How long have you been in love with Roxanna?” The answer to that question is “literally never”, Essie.

Edit 27: Julie’s son is here!

Edit 28: Tag yourself I’m Rox sobbing and running off when Henrik gives her the pin.

Edit 29: Ric: “Do I look like the kind of person who holds a grudge?” Serena: “Yes. You do.”

Edit 30: Henrik being very autistic. I love him.

Edit 31: Guy Henry’s pronunciation of “olycksfågel” continues to drive me insane.

Edit 32: Evie bringing up Fletch’s affair with Tess omfg.

Edit 33: Obligatory “I love Roxanna’s blouse in this episode” comment.

Edit 34: Rox talking about her mum :(

Edit 35: Fletch is absolutely not “a top dad” lmao.

Edit 36: Ah I’d forgotten we actually got scenes at Dofty’s engagement party and Henrik wasn’t there. Whatever, I still like to think he turned up later.

Edit 37: Donna being supportive of Evie, cute.

Edit 38: Ric bringing up his many marriages sfsfsfsfsfsf

Edit 39: They sure did try to push “Henrik romantically loved Roxanna” on us didn’t they? Him stimming with the badge and the little paper box is cute though.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to rewatch S20E29 “The Friend Zone”~

Edit 1: The show playing the Zav and Sacha “So we can come out?”/”No. No you can’t.” scene out of context in the “previously” clip is making me laugh more than it should.

Edit 2: An episode starting on a Nicky scene and “written by Katie Douglas” is always a good sign!

Edit 3: John!!

Edit 4: Sacha bringing Essie a teddy bear, aww.

Edit 5: Sacha clearly in his depression era. I relate.

Edit 6: Meena on Darwin!

Edit 7: Pun not intended, but suits really do not suit Fletch.

Edit 8: Zav: “It does take a lot of hard work to stay this pretty.”

Edit 9: Zav, I love you but chill with the misogyny please.

Edit 10: Meena and Nicky are girlfriends.

Edit 11: Sacha :((

Edit 12: Patricia!

Edit 13: Jac in glasses!!

Edit 14: OH FUCK I DIDN’T KNOW JASON WAS IN THIS ONE. I’d complain about him saying “I’m glad this happened to your friend, I’ve been wanting to have a word with you all day” or whatever it was but I’d laugh my ass off if Henrik said it so maybe I’m a hypocrite there.

Edit 15: I love Donna.

Edit 16: “Not everyone shares my taste in music. Sad for them.” Patricia is just like me, for real.

Edit 17: I loved Patricia, she was such an underrated character.

Edit 18: Why does Zav’s patient kind of look like an older Leah? (Or maybe she doesn’t and I’m just faceblind.)

Edit 19: “I believe in you, Mr. Levy.” Awww, Nicky’s the best.

Edit 20: Ric!!

Edit 21: Fucking Jason again.

Edit 22: “What happens here is business.” Meena taking some bad lessons from working with Gaskell lmao.

Edit 23: I would like Jac Naylor to gently massage my neck like she did to this patient... although preferably without the whole health issues aspect involved!

Edit 24: I miss dull but nice Lofty. I hate how they ruined his character.

Edit 25: “Every woman who walks through that door, you either objectify or patronise!” Yeah, she’s not wrong.

Edit 26: Sacha and Essie :’))

Edit 27: Beka texting Sacha and saying she can’t make it to their day out :(

Edit 28: Nicky is such a good doctor, even as an F1.

Edit 29: Patricia turning Sacha down :((

Edit 30: Sacha’s voicemail to Beka :((

Edit 31: Jason: “I’ve never had any experience being a father, and now I am one!” Sacha: “Well, you can’t go back now!”

Henrik Hanssen would disagree on that, Sacha. (Which is probably why Jason didn’t go to Henrik. Because his advice would’ve just been “abandon your girlfriend and run away” lmao.)

Edit 32: I wanna hug Sacha!!!

Edit 33: Nicky and Jac’s first operation together.

Edit 34: Sacha’s depression storyline was very good, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth knowing it played out alongside the “psychosis makes you evil” storyline. Evidently the Holby writers only really cared about raising awareness for the “acceptable” mental illnesses. :(

Edit 35: Love this Zav and Donna scene on the roof.

Edit 36: I miss Zav, I miss Zav. In my head he’s alive and happily married to Donna.

Edit 37: Another mention of Essie’s diabetes!

Edit 38: Essie could read Sacha so well.

Edit 39: I love Essie’s pyjamas.

Edit 40: Sacha telling Essie there’s nothing to worry about :((

Edit 41: Nicky owning up to lying to Jac about Meena.

Edit 42: “I’m a bad person.” Oh, Nicky :(

Edit 42: “Never assume I’m not aware of everything that goes on on this ward.” I love this Nicky and Jac scene.

Edit 43: John!!

Edit 44: Loving Rox’s blouse.

Edit 45: John: “Putting a team together is a complex undertaking, once the trust is gone...”

Edit 46: Sacha and Patricia :’)

Edit 47: “I’m worried about you. You’ve not seemed like yourself today.” Ouch. :(

Edit 48: Rox’s cardigan is lovely.

Edit 49: Nicky and Meena in this scene acting like girlfriends who had a fight or something.

Edit 50: That last scene with Sacha, ow.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Watching S20E26. More of John the ableist stereotype, but an infuriatingly well-acted ableist stereotype.

Edit 1: Dramatic choir music! And Roxanna looking good, as usual.

Edit 2: This patient’s relative has the loveliest Scottish accent.

Edit 3: I don’t know if it’s her makeup or how she’s done her hair or what but Meena is looking really stylish here.

Edit 4: Oh hey, it’s the Portuguese doctor again!

Edit 5: John being visibly extremely mentally unwell on main. Watching him deteriorate like this is just fucking depressing.

Edit 6: Loving Zav’s outfit.

Edit 7: I genuinely want Roxanna’s blouse from this episode.

Edit 8: “He dropped me from the trial.” “AREYOUSURE?!”

Edit 9: Lmfaooo. Rox about John: “Man’s a law unto himself.”

Edit 10: Jac in glasses!!

Edit 11: Why does Ric and Dom interacting feel surreal? They just don’t feel like the sort of characters you’d see in a one-to-one scene together.

Edit 12: I’m seconds away from cutting out the audio of “hi, this is John Gaskell, please leave a message” and setting it as my voicemail just for lols.

Edit 13: Nicky and Zav’s patient is great, I love him.

Edit 14: Rox in her ‘sneaking into John’s lab’ era.

Edit 15: Omfg not John leaving his phone behind in the lab.

Edit 16: Nicky’s drinking habits were pretty clearly not healthy IMO and I don’t like that the show never touched on that.

Edit 17: Rox calling the Portuguese hospital.

Edit 18: Rox finding out about Lana!!

Edit 19: If I had a nickel for every time Dr. Nicole McKendrick had to quarantine with one of her colleagues and they ended up opening up to each other, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Edit 20: Oof. The patient’s surgery being cancelled because John was focusing on Lana.

Edit 21: Loving Sacha’s shirt in this ep. Also loving Zav in this ep.

Edit 22: Abi looking lovely in this scene with Roxanna. Also, John called in sick.

Edit 23: Obsessed with Rox just Googling flights to Lisbon, as you do.

Edit 24: I love Abi.

Edit 25: OMG I thought Zav was wearing a proper waistcoat, but he’s not. He’s wearing a shirt that looks like a waistcoat. I love him.

Edit 26: Okay nevermind Zav is doing exactly what I said someone should do and pointing out that Nicky drinks too much. Good for him.

Also, I wish Henrik had been called out on his misogyny the way Zav was.

Edit 27: Nicky sticking up for Meena!

Edit 28: Zav was such a brilliant character. I miss him.

Edit 29: I love Ric.

Edit 30: Sheilagh saying that theatre is where Dom belongs. It’s where Henrik belongs, too. Too bad the writers never really saw that.

Edit 31: Nicky phone calling her patient to convince him to let Abi do his operation!! Cute.

Edit 32: I adore Zav so much. He might actually be in my top 10 ever Holby characters.

Edit 33: Marcus Griffiths is SO GOOD.

Edit 34: Serena expressing attraction to the men shown in the Luscious Lads book and this is the woman they kept trying to call a “lesbian”?? This show really, really had no idea the word “bisexual” exists, did they?

Edit 35: Rox is in Lisbon!!

Edit 36: I have a type don’t I? Zav my emotionally repressed king.

Edit 37: Meena and Zav breaking up.

Edit 38: John refusing to explain who Lana is. And Rox being horrified when she finds out Lana’s been in a coma for a year.

Edit 39: “You would never have deserted Henrik the way you did me yesterday!” Rox isn’t wrong. Okay John did sort of desert Henrik but he left a note when he did which is more than he did to Rox lol.

Edit 40: I miss “goody two shoes” Lofty.

Edit 41: I don’t know if my heart is supposed to be breaking for John, but it is regardless.

Edit 42: This ep has the same energy as the early Rox and John episodes.

Edit 43: John having a moment of lucidity. “Am I delusional?” :(

Edit 44: Jac being bitter about Fletch/Abi is funnier if you pretend she fancies Abi.

Edit 45: “And then there’s Henrik, he’s tied up in this too!” But the writers barely let him interact with John for some reason.

Edit 46: John fully back in psychosis.

Edit 47: Paul McGann played an absolute blinder in this episode. He’s so fantastic.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Time for "Primum Non Nocere" part 2, ft. Henrik giving John the cutest look he's ever given anyone over the whole 12 years he was on the show!!!

Edit 1: Fleur!!

Edit 2: Not John monologuing on main.

Edit 3: Obsessed with the all-lowercase "fifteen hours earlier" right in the bottom left of the screen.

Edit 4: Did John just say the anaesthetist was called Dr. Maja?? Or did I imagine that because that name comes up a lot in a certain fanfic I'm working on???

Edit 5: OH FUCK NOT JASON.

Edit 6: Dr. Philippe Duplessis has to be one of my favourite one-off Holby characters. I just love his enthusiasm.

Edit 7: Fleur!!! Jac's ex!! (Sorry, I heard the "Fleur and Jac are exes" theory from that anon once and immediately latched onto it.)

Edit 8: Jac to John: "Come too far not to trust you now."

Edit 9: Bernie still looking great.

Edit 10: "And then Gaskell went off somewhere - probably some archaic Neuro ritual."

Edit 11: John telling Meena she did the right thing like he's not about to kick her off the trial.

Edit 12: John monologuing again. His whole "progress requires sacrifice" philosophy is actually really interesting. If they'd stuck with him being so obsessed with saving Lana he didn't care if other patients died, that would've been far more interesting than making him a murderer.

Edit 13: Jason sticking up for Greta! Good for him.

Edit 14: John doing the "walk with me" thing, a la Henrik (and Anton Meyer before them, apparently, but I haven't seen that far back).

Edit 15: Oof, Berena arguing.

Edit 16: "Not without a miracle." Religious/spiritual themes popping up again.

Edit 17: Omggg Sacha talking about Fletch and Abigail's relationship in front of Abigail without knowing it's her Fletch is dating.

Edit 18: RIC WALKING IN LMAOOO

Edit 19: John dissociating on main. Patrick Homes really leaned into the whole 'crazy John' thing, and not in a good way. ://

Edit 20: JOHNRIK

Edit 21: I love how this scene is framed as if John is looking in the mirror and seeing Henrik.

Edit 22: Oof not John snapping at Henrik :(

Edit 23: Oh fuck the other trial patient is in a coma! And John is monologuing again!

Edit 24: John talking about people being defined by choices is always fascinating, given the later reveal that he doesn't believe in consciousness/free will.

Edit 25: Ric having no idea what everyone else is going on about at the meeting is hilarious!

Edit 26: Ah, that Fleur and Bernie scene.

Edit 27: "Statistically speaking, you should've broken up weeks ago!" I LOVE Greta.

Also, her saying "I'm fine! This is to be expected!" and then screaming in pain is very me.

Edit 28: Rox when John is dissociating: "Are you okay, John??" Does he LOOK okay??

Edit 29: "Sacha, that makes literally no sense." Ric in this episode is me in every conversation I've ever had.

Edit 30: "Does anyone have any idea what Mr. Levy is talking about??"

Edit 31: "Do you have any idea what that was all about?" "I just work here." Actual exchange between the Holby fandom and the Holby scriptwriters being made to write out those terrible storylines in Holby's final years, I swear.

Edit 32: Charlotte Dunn mention! It's so weird that Holby never introduced her.

Edit 33: Serena talking about Elinor. :(

Edit 34: But awww, Bernie hugging her!

Edit 35: Abi looking great in this episode. I love her fashion sense.

Also, Fletch, you're scared of being serious with a woman because you're gay, love.

Edit 36: "Can we get this meeting over and done with, please?!"

Edit 37: Jac asking John "what have you done to me?". And John's response, I've already forgotten it exactly but it's something like "nothing more than you asked for".

Edit 38: Maybe it's not going to work in the short-term, Serena, but your and Bernie's love ended up defying death so... that's an indicator it worked I think. 😂

Edit 39: Jemma Redgrave is so good.

Edit 40: Is it me or is John being a little gay with Dr. Philippe Duplessis?

Edit 41: Guinevere Elinor, awww.

Edit 42: OMG not Donna and Fleur giving sapphic advice to Serena. I love it.

Edit 43: I love Abigail.

Edit 44: Kind of cute watching Serena tell Bernie she needs their relationship to work in hindsight of them now being married.

Edit 45: Sacha on Jac: "She ignores the pain. She's done it her entire life." :(

Edit 46: John saying the neoconduit could cause more harm than good is incredibly dark in light of the theory that it caused Jac's tumour.

Edit 47: LOOK AT HIM HE'S SO IN LOVE

Edit 48: John monologuing again and I missed most of it because I was uploading that Henrik pic. Lmao.

Edit 49: "Are you asking me out on a date?" "Yes, yes I am." Henruss wore that conversation much better than Flabigail.

Edit 50: Oof, John kicking Meena off the trial.

Edit 51: John saying the neoconduit "may, one day, kill Jac Naylor." OOF. I know she did have it removed by Guy Self in November 2018 and if the tumour started growing after that it's unlikely to have been related to John's experiments (and if it had started surely it would have been noticed) but even the slimmest chance that it was makes these episodes incredibly dark.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Primum Non Nocere part 1 time!! This two-parter said gay rights. There’s not actually much Johnrik in it but still more than there was in most episodes around that point in S20 (seriously, the fact that John and Henrik basically stopped interacting to any significant degree around the middle point of the storyline, and only started interacting again once the audience had been safely assured that Henrik liked Roxanna, is one of the biggest reasons I think Johnrik was meant to be explicitly romantic and then Holby changed their minds) so... gay rights.

Edit 1: Serena at the very start of the episode: “I understand, Jason--” My mom, immediately: “You don’t understand Jason.”

Edit 2: BERNIE!!

Edit 3: Zav wearing a leather jacket, Nicky wearing a denim jacket, and Meena wearing a blazer... there are three types of people.

Edit 4: Jemma Redgrave has such a lovely voice. I could listen to her all day.

Edit 5: Meena: “The professor’s going to boot me off the trial faster than you can say ‘oh my god, that was really fast’!”

Edit 6: Jac being stunning as usual.

Also, a fun part of rewatching this storyline is seeing what queer outfit Roxanna is wearing this time.

Edit 7: “A special friend? Of the female variety?” Not sure Fletch has ever had a real special friend of the female variety in his life, Sacha.

Edit 8: Oh yeah, that scene where Lofty, Dom and Meena are all in a scene together dressed in the colours of the bi pride flag. Two bisexuals and a gay ally.

And lmaooo they could be so on the nose during this storyline. Meena misspelling Gaskell as Gaskill.

Edit 9: Lolll Meena’s rant at John.

Edit 10: John: “Responsibility is like trust. It isn’t given, it’s earned.”

Edit 11: Seeing Jac in a hospital gown is making me really sad.

Edit 12: Jac talking about risks on the trial is even sadder, given the theory that John’s experiments could have caused her tumour... :(

Edit 13: Bernie in a jumper with a button-up shirt underneath. She looks gorgeous. But mostly it’s making me laugh because we all know that’s also Henrik’s fashion sense. Jumpers with button-up shirts are queer culture.

Edit 14: Meena’s patient is so sweet.

Edit 15: Patient: “Is she [Roxanna] important?” Evidently not according to the writers, since they threw her away for manpain. :(

Edit 16: Meena fangirling over the chance to answer John’s phone in his absence is kind of cute.

Edit 17: Sacha and Fletch goofing off is really cute actually.

Edit 18: JOHNRIK!!! And they’re wearing basically the same outfit!!

Edit 19: Johnrik my beloveds!!!

Also, obsessed with Henrik praising John’s work and John being like “aside from massaging my ego, your point is what??”. Flirty nerds.

Edit 20: “What were you DOING in my LAB??”

Edit 21: Obsessed with John skipping down the stairs like a 5-year-old girl.

Edit 22: Awww. Jac, regarding two patients: “It’s beautiful, really, that level of commitment. Stays with you.”

Edit 23: Donna, Bernie, and Serena all in one scene. Gathering of the sapphics!

Edit 24: I love Bernie. She’s so nice.

Edit 25: The whole ‘cactus as a metaphor for Jac’ thing is weird to me but maybe I’m biased because I rewatched S13E44 recently, where Henrik compares Sahira to a rose to treat her as an object.

Edit 26: Bernie and Greta!

Edit 27: I’ve said it before but I love Greta. She’s a really good portrayal of an autistic young adult. She’s a far better character than Jason.

Edit 28: Meena in her detective era!

Edit 29: Bernie referring to Henrik by his first name. I can’t remember if this is the first time we see her do that. Kind of weird how they never interacted in any of her 2018 guest appearances. They were both there for the Jason and Greta/Dom and Lofty double wedding, but never actually interacted with each other there. So it was four years after Bernie’s 2017 exit before Henrik shared scenes with her properly again.

Edit 30: I love Abigail.

Edit 31: “Then we do it in 30 minutes!” BERNIE YOU ICON.

Edit 32: John being morally ambiguous on main.

Edit 33: OMG I’d forgotten this two-parter took place on my birthday! (The 19th of June.)

Edit 34: I still believe the reason Zav became so determined to expose Cameron was because he felt guilty for being on the sidelines and leaving the matters to other people despite knowing something was up during Gaskell.

Edit 35: Serena encouraging Bernie to kiss her by teasingly saying it’s “for research” makes me think of some of the jokes I’ve made before about Johnrik sleeping together “for research”.

Also, Bernie is so lovely.

Edit 36: Jac and Sacha :’))

Edit 37: “I will be [happy], once the Professor’s performed his magic trick.” :(

Edit 38: Ooh, Greta in labour. Guinevere about to have the best birthday. Not that I’m biased.

Edit 39: John threatening Meena. Oof. Also, John really does accuse a lot of people of being “mad” in this storyline. Projecting his own visibly poor mental health.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Rewatching S20E23 “None but the Brave”. (Skipped the previous two episodes because there’s no Henrik or John in either of them.)

Edit 1: JAC MY BELOVED

Edit 2: Aww, John being all nerdy and adorable! And I love Rox’s outfit.

Edit 3: Jac looking hot as fuck.

Edit 4: John being both very traumatised and very autistic-adjacent here.

Edit 5: Has there EVER been a trans character in the Holbyverse who didn’t just pick a name that was a variation/gender-flipped equivalent of their birth name? Lily to Louis, Sarah to Sah, Hannah to Han... it’s ridiculous.

Also, Jac and Abigail would’ve been a way better romance than Fletch and Abigail, don’t you think?

Edit 6: Jac is gorgeous in this episode.

Edit 7: Ah yes, the coining of the term “Fletchsplaining”.

Edit 8: So many scenes of John being genuinely nice to people, like when he congratulates Nicky and Sacha on their trial. The whole “he’s pure evil” stuff was nonsense, they just leaned into it whenever they felt like making him an ableist caricature.

Edit 9: Not Abigail actually calling Jac hot!

Edit 10: Abi and Jac flirting in a conversation about a heart. This has “Henrik and Russ flirting in a conversation about a liver” energy.

Edit 11: John is really mumbling his lines in this episode. I keep having to turn the volume up.

Edit 12: To be fair, Sacha, I think John was trying to work for the best interests of Lana. Or what he thought were her best interests. Any of his other patients... perhaps not so much.

Edit 13: Fletch: “What about Emma? If you die, she grows up without a mum.” :(

Edit 14: I loved John’s curly hair era.

Edit 15: Sorry but I’m kind of getting to a point now where I don’t really care about Lofty’s grandma.

Edit 16: Frieda, to Han the nonbinary patient, on them saying some of their friends weren’t wholly accepting: “Give them time... but not too much.”

That’s actually really good advice.

Edit 17: OK I take it back about not caring about Lofty’s grandma.

Zav: “We need to know you’ve got enough stamina.”

Lofty’s grandma: “Never had any complaints before!”

Edit 18: I don’t know why this has just occurred to me, when I’ve watched numerous other episodes where she wears it and never really appreciated it, but it has - I love seeing Jac wear Elliot’s scrub cap.

Edit 19: John not wanting to operate on Jac for not-really-explained reasons is interesting.

Edit 20: What even was the point of Flac?

Edit 21: Donna looking gorgeous in this episode.

Edit 22: Fletch annoys me so much.

Edit 23: “I know you, Jac.” No you don’t, Fletch.

Edit 24: Frieda!

Edit 25: John being all mad-scientist-y! And stimming on main. I love him.

Edit 26: Oh god, random patient, please don’t feed John’s delusions of grandeur. Instead, do what I want to scream out with every Gaskell episode I watch: “Get John psychiatric help!!”

Edit 27: John to Jac: “You push yourself too hard, you’re unrealistic.”

Edit 28: I always love a good Jac and John scene.

Edit 29: Aw, I’d forgotten Frieda left for a while mid-season.

Edit 30: More John and Jac scenes! It’s my lucky day.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to rewatch “Blind Spot” now, wherein Henrik is traumatised and needs therapy and it is actually handled WELL, so that should get my mind off S23E07. Also, this is another episode I practically know by heart, so I don’t have to worry too much about trying to focus on it. (Except the Fletch stuff. I can never focus on the Fletch stuff, it’s so boring. When I rewatch the episode by myself I usually skip it. I barely remember anything about his plotline in this ep but I can’t really be bothered to try.)

Edit 1: The “previously on” reminding us of when Henrik literally said he would rather be a surgeon than CEO.

Also, when they showed the clip of Fletch saying he “realised he’d been putting his job first and his family second”, my mom just said “How many times does he have to realise that, without ever actually acting on it? The audience realised it a long time ago, mate”.

Edit 2: I always forget this is technically a whole-episode flashback. Probably because that fact is only relevant to Fletch’s storyline.

Edit 3: Henrik!! Also, very autistic of Henrik that apparently as a med student he always showed up in theatre before the actual doctors.

Edit 4: Ah, yes. “Onwards and upwards”, the Cryptid Squad motto. Rox says it, Henrik has said it...

Edit 5: Dom: “You’re doing a Sacha.” Henrik: “What??”

He’s so autism and I love him.

Edit 6: Henrik’s little face when he realises Dom’s upset and he didn’t even notice because he was so busy with his own trauma :((

Edit 7: Nicky calling Sacha “Mr. Keller”. Cute.

Edit 8: Oh no, it’s Mikey!

Edit 9: Awww, the patient giving Sacha a scarf :)

Edit 10: John!!

Edit 11: “Holby has my heart, but I also need my freedom.” John, 90% of your problem is that Holby gave you too much freedom.

Edit 12: Dyspraxic patient! And he’s Henrik’s patient! I always love seeing Henrik interact with other disabled people, it’s really fascinating, because it’s very different to seeing, say, Dylan interact with other disabled people. Since Henrik doesn’t know he’s autistic, and he doesn’t seem to think of his mental illnesses as disabilities even though they absolutely are for him, it’s a totally different kind of dynamic and it’s interesting to me.

Also, Henrik’s OCD really kicking in here :( Him obsessively checking everything... it’s really well-done.

Edit 13: The Sacha and Nicky dynamic is so adorable.

Edit 14: The Fletch and Abi romance was so forced.

Edit 15: Love the Cryptid Squad all being walking disasters.

Also, Henrik stimming!!! And avoiding talking about his problems, as usual.

Edit 16: Shoutout to Roxanna’s outfit in this episode.

Edit 17: This episode has so much more Fletch in it than I remember.

Edit 18:

Sacha: “You done [a mattress stitch suture] before?”

Nicky: “Yeah, on Mr. Hanssen on my first day!”

Sacha, probably, who doesn’t know that Nicky and Meena found Henrik self-harming on their first day and had to suture his wound: ???

Edit 19: Not surprised Henrik would sympathise with a patient seen as “pretentious and annoying” tbh. He’s probably heard the same words used to describe himself before.

Edit 20: Interesting seeing Henrik sceptical of John’s trial when he quickly goes back to fully supporting it. Maybe he convinced himself that his scepticism was just another part of him overthinking.

Edit 21: John is “not surprised” Henrik’s still struggling, but doesn’t want to intervene because “I don’t think he’d appreciate us interfering.” Interesting.

Edit 22: I love Sacha in this little scene with him and Serena.

Edit 23: The way this patient shouts “I’m SHORT!” is relatable, as someone barely over 5 feet myself.

Also, the patient is insecure about his height because he doesn’t feel masculine enough. This is a surprise tool that will help genderqueer Henrik headcanoners later.

Edit 24: The argument scene between Henrik and Roxanna is SO good. Henrik just stopping mid-conversation to rearrange the stuff on the desk... gah. The handling of Henrik’s OCD in this episode truly is fantastic. It’s also like the only episode where we get any significant insight into what his intrusive thoughts are actually about.

Also, Roxanna telling Henrik she’d report him as unfit for work was cold but a good way to get him to come to his senses really.

Edit 25: LOVE LOVE LOVE this exchange.

Dom: I’d ask if you’d like to talk about it but we both know that you won’t. You’ll say that you’re fine, as always, and you’ll play the role of Mr. Hanssen - or who you think he should be: a buttoned-up automaton who would sooner do anything than admit to having feelings.

Henrik: Yes, well, that’s me, for better or worse. Usually, recently, worse.

Also, Dom saying to Henrik “I need you” :’)) I love them.

Edit 26: Mikey’s whole “precocious kid” thing is so annoying.

Edit 27: OMG IT’S THE HENRIK AND SACHA “YOU HATE YOURSELF TOO MUCH TO TRY TO HEAL” SCENE IN THE GARDEN

Edit 28: god Henrik’s little VOICE when he says “I have no interest in myself”, gah

Edit 29: Henrik talking about feeling the need to “atone” for what happened with Fredrik when it literally wasn’t his fault breaks me.

Love the way Sacha gently encourages him, though. Also, yeah, Sacha’s 100% right about “duty” being what gets Henrik out of bed in the morning.

Edit 30: AND THERE WE GO.

Patient: You’ve never spent any time wishing you were taller?

Henrik: Not taller, no. Someone else...

Remember, “taller” in this episode = “more masculine”. And Henrik’s response to the question is to say that he doesn’t want to be “taller”, but he wants to be someone else. Gender dysphoric Henrik, so true, so true. (Also parallels with Arthur saying he wishes he was someone else in S18E04.)

Also “try to be happy, if you can” “I will if you will” :’))

Edit 31: Henrik seeing a trauma counsellor!! Good for him, good for him.

Edit 32: AAAAAAH. “Seeking help is an act of self-love, I think, and that hasn’t been on my radar much of late.”

Edit 33: Henrik giving Roxanna his therapist’s phone number in case she wants to “check up on him”. In S19E63 Henrik says to John “anyone would think you were keeping an eye on me”. Today on bisexuality...

Edit 34: Nicky and Sacha. Awww! So cute.

Edit 35: Meena thinking John’s invited her on a trip and John letting her down. Oof.

Edit 36: OMG JOHNRIK FLIRTING

Edit 37: “I wish you every success”... the way they’re looking at each other... cuties!!

Edit 38: A big Albie’s party for Donna and her promotion! I miss these kinds of scenes.

Edit 39: Oh not Abi and Fletch. Cringe.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Watching S20E19 “Bubble Wrap”. I’ve been miserably, suicidally depressed tonight, so I can only hope watching Holby to distract me will make me feel better. Fingers crossed.

Edit 1: Weird how much time they spent on the whole ‘John’s mystery patient in Lisbon’ thing only to not reveal it until the very end of the storyline.

Edit 2: Ohh, this is the introduction of Mara! One of the only ones of John’s patients the trial actually worked out for (the other one being Laszlo). ...So far as we know. We never heard from Mara after 2018. We barely heard anything about Gaskell after 2018 despite the long-term repercussions it should have had.

Edit 3: OMG IT’S MR. FFOLKES THE GAY PATIENT! Has anyone ever told Ed Sellek what a legend he created with this character? I hope they have. Maybe I should tweet at him.

Edit 4: Awww, John expressing fondness for one of the dogs Mara is looking at on her tablet.

Edit 5: Zav!!

Edit 6: The intersex patient is still here.

Edit 7: Gaskell spends a lot of time looking very pretty in this episode. Can’t blame the directors for all the close-ups on his face. Paul McGann has the bluest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. Yes, even bluer than James Anderson’s, lmao.

Edit 8: I do love Mr. Ffolkes.

Edit 9: John getting all existential.

Edit 10: Mr. Ffolkes, actual legend.

Edit 11: Me: *enjoying this episode* Fletch: *appears* Me: ://

Edit 12: Oh, John :( Seeing him so frantic about saving Lana is actually really sad.

Edit 13: I swear Henrik is in this episode and has a very autistic moment with Dom. Starting to feel like I imagined it lmao.

Also, Paul McGann is such a fantastic actor.

Edit 14: AH THERE HE IS. LOOKING GOOD, HENRIK <3

Edit 15: This Henrik and Dom scene is truly a perfect show of why you need autistic writers for autistic characters.

I’m partially joking there, but Ed Sellek does GREAT Henrik autism comedy.

Edit 16: Oh. I’d forgotten about Mara’s backstory. :(

Edit 17: Mr. Ffolkes: “I’m not some sort of gay wizard handing out the meaning of life!”

Ed Sellek balances comedy and sadness really well. I know I’m biased towards his writing, because he’s autistic and because we’re Twitter mutuals, but he’s genuinely so good.

Edit 18: John being a real dick to Rox. :/

Edit 19: John playing more classical music in theatre.

Edit 20: John dissociating.

Edit 21: I am half-deliberately writing these like I’m a nature documentary maker studying John Gaskell at this point.

Edit 22: John to Rox: “So shake it off!”

*Taylor Swift starts playing in the distance, probably*

Edit 23: Fletch really bores me.

Edit 24: I’m starting a “Get John Gaskell Psychiatric Help” committee, where we get John Gaskell psychiatric help.

Or I would if it weren’t three and a half years too late. Alas. 😂

Edit 25: Mara calling John “the doctor who gave me my life back”. Knowing Ed Sellek did that on purpose makes me laugh my ass off. (He also claims he made an effort to get someone to say “With nails?” at some point, but he just couldn’t find a way to fit it into the final script. 😂)

Edit 26: Donna being all excited over getting the Senior Staff Nurse job, awww! :)

Edit 27: The Gaskell storyline was so bizarre.

Edit 28: Me hearing John talk about the trial: *Patrick Stump voice* ~A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it~

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Watching S20E18 “Headstrong” (20x18, aired in 2018 - is it the only Holby episode ever to match up with the year it was aired, because I feel like it is) tonight. Not much Henrik in it, and no John at all. And according to my research, it has Fletch’s son Mikey in it, who I happen to find really fucking annoying. (No offence to the actor, who I’m sure is a lovely kid, I just can’t stand the character.)

But alas, the presence of Henrik in this episode at all means it has to go into the rewatch (it doesn’t have to, really, but I can’t resist an episode with Henrik in it). At least it also has a fair bit of Zav from what I recall.

Edit 1: I kind of love Nicky’s phone alarm music.

Edit 2: Zav and Meena must have one of the most drastic height differences in a relationship ever lmao.

Edit 3: Abi I love you but don’t talk down to Donna!

Also, I’d forgotten just how many episodes Lofty’s grandma was in. You’d be forgiven for thinking she was in every episode of S20 at this point.

Edit 4: Fun fact none of you asked for: while we’ve been watching these episodes, my mom’s decided she really likes Meena.

Edit 5: The intersex patient is back, I see!

Edit 6: It’s amazing how quickly the lighting in this show got as dark as it did. I know I’ve said it before, but the lighting in series 20 is almost painfully bright at times! But series 21 onwards it started getting really dark really quickly.

Edit 7: Hahahahaha. Meena saying “Even Donna knew before me!” about Zav’s childhood modelling.

Edit 8: Lofty bringing his grandma grapes is inexplicably funny.

Also oh hey the annoying kid is here. Sigh. I feel really bad for hating a child character but Mikey just drives me mad.

Edit 9: Lofty’s grandma mentioning Carole! Reminds me of how much I miss Carole.

Also the way literally the only characters I care about to any significant amount in this episode are the Zav/Meena/Nicky trio. And Henrik too obviously but like, I’m 20 minutes into the episode now and he still hasn’t shown up.

Edit 10: Lmaooo Zav saying a patient’s “attitude leaves a lot to be desired” and the patient going “what about yours?”.

Edit 11: I do feel sorry for Zav though. All the teasing from the other staff.

Edit 12: I miss bland-but-nice Lofty.

Edit 13: Why oh why did they have to ruin Dofty?

Edit 14: SFSFSFSFSF NOT MY MOM DESCRIBING MIKEY AS “LIKE AN URCHIN FROM OLIVER TWIST”

Edit 15: Not the teenage patient wanting to move away for art school but not having told their dad. Reminds me of someone. Cough, cough.

Edit 16: Do you ever get reminded that Fletch canonically neglects his kids but didn’t get condemned as a bad parent, unlike just about every female character ever?

Also my mom made the most weirdly specific comparison about Mikey: “I bet this is what Shane Richie was like as a lad.” 😂

Edit 17: HENRIK!!! FINALLY

Edit 18: “Can I ask you a question?” “Yeah.” “Who’s your trusted friend?” *Henrik doesn’t respond* OOOOOHHHH there it is.

Also, Henrik saying someone once told him the secret to being a good surgeon is to keep all emotions in check. That tracks, because he kept saying the same thing to Sahira. Makes sense if he was reiterating it from somewhere - I bet he heard it from John lmao.

Edit 19: Okay maybe Mikey is actually kind of sweet on occasion.

Edit 20: Henrik and Zav scenes are such a gift. I love them both.

Also, Henrik being actually, literally TEXTBOOK autistic: “You asked me about trusted friends. I find them hard to find and even harder to keep, but I suppose that says more about me than anyone else.”

I’m not joking, this line of dialogue was literally just paraphrased from part of the DSM criteria for autism: ‘Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships’.

Edit 21: That whole scene with Mikey and Abigail is cringe.

Zav helping Nicky is cute though.

Edit 22: Awww, Donna texting Dom on Lofty’s behalf!

Edit 23: Abi following the Holby CEO tradition of being really harsh to junior doctors.

Edit 24: There’s something really quite understated and sad in its own way about the scene where the patient who’s been being really rude to Zav all day is asked if there’s anyone Zav should call for him, and he doesn’t have an answer.

Edit 25: Nicky :(

Edit 26: Love Zav’s fashion sense.

Edit 27: Fletch has literally never had chemistry with a woman in his life.

Edit 28: I think Mikey’s whole “precocious kid” thing is supposed to be cute. It does not work though.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Time for S20E17, which shouldn’t actually be part of a Gaskell rewatch because it has no Gaskell in it (according to IMDB anyway lol, I barely remember these eps), but it does have Henrik so I can’t possibly skip it so here we are.

Edit 1: They really did get their money’s worth out of the Nicky/Meena/Frieda flat set, huh?

Also, Frieda with her hair down and without her makeup on is GORGEOUS. Not that Frieda isn’t always gorgeous.

Edit 2: Dom and Lofty were really cute before the show ruined them. They were bland, and Lee Mead was really bad at kissing men, but they were cute anyway.

Edit 3: Dom in AAU scrubs looks so weird. Also, Donna shipping Dofty!

Edit 4: Patient to Lofty: “You look too sweet to be interesting.” If only Kate Oates had thought the same instead of ruining his character to make him interesting.

Edit 5: SACHA’S MOTHER BEING THE ONLY PERSON TO MAKE A DONATION FOR HIS PROJECT SFSFSFSFSF

Edit 6: MY AUTISTIC KING IS HERE

Edit 7: Sacha asking if Henrik wants to talk to him before starting his shift and Henrik saying “I think I’d rather dive straight in”... more like dive bi in, am I right? *all my followers sigh at my bad jokes*

Edit 8: This journalist/author lady has Kate Oates energy. It’s like they predicted who was going to be coming in as senior producer before they even knew.

Edit 9: And the scene when it’s revealed the lady’s publishing her book for Isaac... :(

Edit 10: Give David Ames a BAFTA.

Edit 11: “How does he seem to you?” “Mr. Hanssen?” “Mm.” A conversation between Sacha and Zav, or a conversation between my last two braincells as they analyse every Henrik scene?

Edit 12: This patient of Sacha’s is really charismatic. I wanna be friends with him.

Also I wish we’d had more non-CEO Henrik.

Edit 13: Isaac stealing the story of Dom’s trip with Arthur... yikes.

Edit 14: HENRIK

Edit 15: Remember when Sacha cared about Henrik’s well-being enough to literally follow him around all day worrying about how he was coping? A major contrast to him literally ignoring Henrik during Henrik’s CSA storyline.

Edit 16: These Dom and Lofty scenes :(

Edit 17: Frieda is just the best.

Edit 18: Serena actually being really lovely to Dom.

Edit 19: An episode of Holby CALLING OUT exploitative abuse narratives?! 2019 onwards could never.

Edit 20: HENRIK HAVING AGENCY!!!

Edit 21: “I’d be glad of the chance to be [a surgeon rather than CEO].” IT’S LITERALLY RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE IN HIS OWN WORDS. Why were we supposed to cheer him on for being shoved back into the CEO job when he has literally openly, explicitly said that he’s happier as a surgeon?

Edit 22: Seriously, this episode though. THIS EPISODE. There are actual medical storylines. There’s a storyline calling out exploitative abuse narratives and the harm they do to victims. Henrik has agency and is making his own decisions, and the show treats him as in the right for not wanting to be seen as nothing more than his trauma. This is the Holby I know and love. Not the garbage that was on air from late 2018 to March 2022.

Edit 23: Nicky is such a sweetheart.

Edit 24: These episodes are really making me miss the Frieda and Nicky dynamic.

Also, Sacha and Dom scene!

Edit 25: Holby remembering Sacha’s Jewish!

Edit 26: Henrik in casual clothes! (Casual for him, anyway.) And hahaha he really said he thought it was “time to retire the more formal style” and then went back to wearing suits within a few episodes. Relatable autism moment.

Edit 27: I miss happy Dofty.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to watch S20E16 now.

Edit 1: OMG I forgot we saw bby!Nicky in adult Nicky’s dream. She’s adorable.

Edit 2: Lmaooo Zav just walking in. Legend. I miss him.

Edit 3: Nicky talking about how excited she is to be mentored by the “incredible Jac Naylor” :((

Edit 4: Serena reminding Zav his patients can in fact hear everything he says in front of them. Great, Serena, now when are you gonna learn that’s also true of Jason?

Edit 5: Roxanna wearing ANOTHER great top.

Edit 6: Not Meena basically flirting with Rox.

Edit 7: Patient who works in a fish and chip shop says he took the “Chippocratic Oath”. Sacha asks him how long he’s been planning that joke for. He says “since I stumbled into the building”. Iconic.

Edit 8: Haha. Roxanna, to Meena, on John: “Don’t worry. He’s very focused. He won’t even notice you’re not there.”

Edit 9: I miss comedy patient storylines. I miss patient storylines in general.

Edit 10: Nicky and Meena arguing about whether to get Gaskell for a neuro consult. Nicky makes a remark calling Gaskell “a flipping Disney princess”. John and Rox walk in at that exact moment. The comedy in this ep is absolutely 10/10.

Edit 11: Rox on John: “He can be very quick to criticise, but he can also be quick to praise.” Textbook BPD. Why did they give John all these BPD traits and then villainise him for them.

Also, it’s really nice to get to see John do actual competent doctor stuff and not just “look at me I’m crazy and evil” stuff.

Edit 12: I love Frieda.

Edit 13: Zav being homophobic. Yikes. Thank god he grew out of that nonsense.

Also, Lofty saying “I don’t feel the need to give myself any label”. CRINGE. Say what you like about Casualty’s LGBTQ+ rep (and there is a lot to say tbf) but at least Jez was allowed to call himself bi. Did Holby ever have a single character who identified themselves as bi? I can’t think of one. Not liking labels is valid but when you start using it as an excuse to avoid the word “bisexual” (whereas you have characters like Dom gleefully saying they’re gay every other episode - not a criticism of Dom, I loved that about him)... yikes.

Edit 14: Meena and Nicky still girlfriends.

Edit 15: Med student Nicky!! Precious.

Edit 16: Is the shirt Sacha’s wearing here the same one he wore in The Perfect Storm or am I imagining things? It’s a good shirt.

Edit 17: Speaking of BPD John... not him splitting on Nicky because of Meena making him think she abandoned the surgery she was meant to assist on with no explanation or reason. Ouch.

Edit 18: Zav was such an interesting character.

Edit 19: Frieda, my beloved.

Edit 20: Ahahahaha omg Zav getting Lofty’s gran bumped up the waiting list by sleeping with one of the staff from the HCOP unit. Amazing.

Edit 21: I want Holby to be replaced with a new Holbyverse show that’s just Frieda giving advice for an hour a week. I’d watch it.

Edit 22: Ooh. Did they ever explain WTF this was supposed to be about? Rox telling John she’s “just worried [he’s] getting tunnel vision, where [he] can’t see or hear anybody else’s concerns...” and John replying “I’m a changed man, Rox.”

Edit 23: Meena and Nicky were so gay.

Edit 24: Really weird actually, thinking about it, how Meena and Nicky’s friendship was such a big deal in that first year and then once Meena left I don’t think Nicky ever mentioned her again.

Edit 25: Nicky having dreams about her young self pretending to be a doctor again... now, pretending to tell friends of a patient about donating the patient’s organs. In hindsight of both Zav and Jac... OOF.