#genuinely it once was in my msn name

[swiftbejeweled]

🎵🎵 Good night girl!

(You sent two music notes so I’m gonna do two haha)

I Don’t Want To Know - Charlie Brennan

But if we don’t understand what we are, / How can we let each other know what’s wrong?

Carry You - Jimmy Eat World

I could never be the one that you want, don’t ask / Well, here’s to living in the moment ‘cause it passed

[justwritethatdown]

High school au set somewhere around 2009 - it’s gonna be a multichapter but I don’t have a title for it yet… Avril Lavigne is gonna be the soundtrack for this 💜

Beca is an introverted fifteen years old who loves music and is about to start high school. Chloe is The Popular Girl™ and they meet because their parents are friends. There’s a lot of Jesse but Bechloe is gonna be endgame (obviously) It’s supposed to be a slow burn but i’m an impatient idiot so we’ll see about that…

Words Count: 2K

Rating: T

Read it on AO3 or under the cut ↓ 

Please tell me what is taking place (‘cause I can’t seem to find a trace)

“Bec, can you please be nice tonight? It would mean a lot to Sheila and me" repeated her father for the millionth time. Beca just sighed heavily at that and crossed her arms around her chest. They’ve talked about that ad nauseam, there was no way for her to get out of this stupid dinner at Sheila’s friends.

Sheila – a.k.a. the step monster – was the most irritating being on the planet. Beca was sure she only acted nice to her to make a show for her father and actually hated Beca just as much as Beca hated her.

“Oh come on sweetie, they have a daughter your age, I’m sure you’ll become very fast friends” she promised in that annoying high pitched tone she had “I don’t want to make any friends” Beca grumbled and could swear she heard Sheila whisper something to her father about her being weird and having no friends, but decided to ignore that.

She didn’t need new friends, she had Amy and that was enough – more than enough sometimes – Amy was a lot, mostly to someone as introverted as Beca, her loudness and recklessness were pretty hard to handle, but they knew each other since forever and Amy stood by Beca’s side during her parents’ divorce, which meant the world to Beca.

“Come on kiddo, I’m sure you’ll like her. She goes to Barden high, so you can ask her advices for next year" said her father turning in his seat after parking the car “so she’s older than me!” stated Beca “oh for God’s sake what’s one year, specially at your age?” gasped Sheila, her nice facade starting to crack at Beca’s brattyness “never mind" spat out Beca under her breath getting out of the car.

Her father stopped her when he saw she was about to put her big headphones over her ears “don’t make me take these away from you" he warned her with a glare, so she just snorted and left them hanging around her neck.

__

Beca suffered immensely all through dinner, Chloe – the girl she was supposed to become best friends with to please Sheila – was hideous, she barely introduced herself without stopping pushing the buttons on her Blackberry, obviously more interested in her text than in Beca. Her parents were two pompous idiots – just how Beca imagined Sheila’s friends would be.

As soon as they finished eating, Chloe left the table without even excusing herself, focusing on her phone again.

“Chloe why don’t you show Becky your room, honey?” encouraged Chloe’s mother “sure" answered the redhead without any kind of emotion and left.

Beca gulped, she didn’t know what to do – was she supposed to just follow her? Did she had to wait there for Chloe to come back and invite her to her room? – it was clear that Chloe didn’t want her in her room.

“Beca? Go" pushed her Sheila and the girl found herself following Chloe’s path, she thought she heard someone whisper “that kid is so weird" but she shook it off, too focused on how weird she felt to intrude into a stranger’s room like that.

It turned out that Chloe didn’t mind her intrusion – one could say she didn’t even notice it, if not for the short nod she gave Beca along with a “this is it" before sitting in front of her computer and spending the night chatting on MSN.

After standing awkwardly in Chloe’s room for some moments, Beca decided to sit down on a pink fluffy bean bag sofa and finally put her headphones on. She spent the night with her iPod Classic, as she did most of the times.

Beca had the time to properly look at Chloe, to study her – something she liked to do with people.

The sixteen year old was definitely a popular girl in school – definitely someone Beca would have never wanted to be friends with – she seemed to be coming straight out of Mean Girls – that stupid Lindsey Lohan high school movie Amy made her watch once.

A shiver run down Beca’s spine. She didn’t love the idea of starting high school at all, with all those jocks and beautiful girls who thought they were better than anyone else – Beca could totally see Chloe being one of them.

Chloe was undeniably attractive, the computer light flashing on her face highlighted the perfect traits of her face and the sharp angle of her jawline, her red hair was coming down in large soft waves and her soft blue eyes made her look like a Disney princess. Her slender fingers flew quickly over the keyboard of her computer while she replied to the dozens of beeping notifications blowing up on her screen. Beca had to look away, feeling a weird grasp at her stomach she’d never felt before.

__

To Beca’s displeasure these stupid dinner dates became a thing, and she was forced to see that girl at least a couple of days per month, even if Chloe seemed to have the power to defect those events, since she never showed up when the dinners were at Beca’s father’s.

Beca wasn’t sorry about that, she was just upset she didn’t have the same luxury.

Chloe smiled at her once, greeting her with a soft “hi" when the brunette went to her house to yet another dinner, and Beca kept thinking about how warm that made her feel for a long time – because it caught her off guard obviously, she wasn’t expecting that, it’s not like she stopped thinking about how beautiful Chloe looked when she genuinely smiled or why she smiled at her anyway.

__

Months passed and it came the time for Beca to start high school. Amy was out of her mind excited about that and it only made Beca more nervous.

Her first day – the first month even – could have been described with one word, better yet a name: Jesse.

Jesse was in most of her classes and for some reason he was obsessed with her. He managed to learn more about her in only the first week than most people have ever tried to know in her life – he asked so many questions.

At first Beca was annoyed by him and tried to avoid the guy every time she spotted his stupid face in the hallway or at the cafeteria, but it was pointless because Jesse always managed to find her. Amy even started to tease her about her new boyfriend and Beca hated it.

She started to get used to his intrusive presence somewhere during week two, when he casually mentioned a concert of a Sum41 cover band he was sure she would have liked.

It opened up a crack in the big wall she spent so long building up – obviously what Jesse was trying to do since day one – but she didn’t push him away like she would have done with any other intruder trying to tear her defences apart, she instead decided to show him something she considered super intimate and private, something she had never shown to anyone before, she decided to show him one of her playlists.

She even agreed to go with him to the concert – telling herself she really wanted to see the band and couldn’t go without the fake ID Jesse had promised her.

Thinking about it, it didn’t take a genius to understand Beca would have liked such topic. After all, the girl always wore her headphones and from her style – heavy dark eyeliner, pierced ears, studded bracelet and dark boots – it wasn’t that hard to guess her musical tastes either.

“I knew you liked Avril Lavigne” was his first reaction scrolling through the titles in her iPod, Beca blushed at that; there were many other artists on there, such as Linkin Park, Green Day, Evanescence, Blink182… and he decided to point out the one that meant more to her.

“I love her, I think she’s great" he added pressing play on Sk8er Boi “you kinda remind me of her" he shouted over the sound filling his ears. Beca’s eyes widened for a moment and she looked around the schoolyard to check if he had drawn any attention towards them, she still couldn’t believe she was letting him use her headphones.

__

“It’s Be c a, with one c" she repeated to the guy who was paying very little attention to her anyway – Luke apparently.

“All right guys, it’s gonna be 50 bucks each and it’ll take a couple of days” he said looking at them with a charming smile “to pay now" he clarified clearing his throat and Jesse rushed to pay him “thanks Johnny. I’ll reach out to you when I got them" he said before leaving.

“It’s Jesse…” sighed Jesse when Luke already had left.

“Dude, I’m giving you the money first thing tomorrow, don’t think I’m letting you pay for my ID" “I could’ve never thought something like that" he joked smiling at her.

Okay so maybe Jesse became her friend and maybe Beca liked that – not that she would admit it.

__

After a month Beca thought she was starting to get used to the whole high school thing and she had to admit it wasn’t as bad as she thought, classes were boring and had nothing useful to form her regarding what she really wanted to do in life, but at least she had Amy and Jesse to lighten her mood.

The brunette was walking down the hallway, headphones on as usual, when she saw Chloe. Beca’s breath caught in her lungs at the sight of the redhead leaned against her locker animatedly chatting with a group of friends. She looked so different from the girl she was used to see at dinners; she looked radiant, like a ray of sunshine. Beca could tell all her friends were hypnotized by her energy and enthusiasm.

The sudden collision with a guy running in her opposite direction brought her back to reality “Dude! What the fuck?“ she hissed, but the guy didn’t bother stopping to check on her, so Beca shook her head and walked to her classroom. She didn’t notice Chloe looking at her.

From that moment Beca’s high school experience became a little different, she was always looking out for any signs of Chloe, she turned her head at any glimpse of red hair around a corner or every time she heard a particular kind of giggle – yes, she stopped wearing headphones in the hallways just to hear that – she’d even learned the faces of those she believed to be Chloe’s best friends and, obviously, her boyfriend – Tom, or something.

During the course of the first semester there had been almost zero dinners and her father told her she didn’t have to attend them because he was sure she was busy with homework, so the only occasions she had to see Chloe were those when she ran into her at school – not that she cared – they never interact and Beca understood, Chloe was a popular girl and with that role you have to maintain the appearances, she couldn’t risk to be seen interacting with some freshman alt girl just because they ate at the same table a couple of times, it wasn’t like they were friends anyway.

__

Beca was nervous. She would have never expected to open her front door to find Chloe Beale standing in front of her. She felt her ears heating up when the girl smiled at her “h-hi… you’re here too” she babbled hating herself immediately, but Sheila appearing behind her to greet the Beale family gave her enough time to disappear into the kitchen.

Now they were in Beca’s room after dinner. Chloe didn’t feel as awkward as Beca did entering her room all those months ago – or as awkward as she felt right now, for what is worth – she immediately made herself at home sitting on Beca’s bed, bounching on it a little while looking around.

Beca blushed at the amount of posters – mainly Avril posters – hanging on her walls. Her room was much darker than Chloe’s and she was sure the redhead must have thought she was a freak.

“I like your room, it’s pretty cool" “…you do?” asked Beca in shock “yes! And your bed is so much softer than mine" added Chloe lying down. Beca was silent for a while, her brain was filled with so many thoughts she couldn’t speak, she’s never been good with words anyway.

Beca gasped when she saw Chloe stretch to reach for the iPod and headphones resting on her bedside table but couldn’t stop her from taking them.

“What do you always listen to anyway?” asked Chloe sitting back up “beside Avril Lavigne” she added with a giggle that made Beca feel more attacked than she should have, the brunette moved to sit on her bed next to Chloe and took the device from her, holding it protectively against her chest “stuff… you wouldn’t like it" she scoffed “try me" said Chloe tilting her head, smile still in place.

Beca couldn’t find it in herself to say no.

They laid on her bed with her headphones placed between them, listening to Beca’s playlist until Chloe drifted off to sleep. Beca kept laying beside her, looking at the redhead sleep on her pillow and completely ignoring the weird feeling she had in the pit of her stomach that was starting to be something not unusual when it came to Chloe.

[ohkraken-a]

———  BASICS! ♡

NAME! ♡     bruce

PRONOUNS! ♡     they / them

ZODIAC SIGN! ♡     aries / ram

TAKEN OR SINGLE! ♡     single

———  THREE  FACTS! ♡

1! ♡      i have todd mcfarlane’s cell phone number

2! ♡      i was almost named killian because of a bet my parents made before i was born

3! ♡      i chose the name bruce because of a comfort character and i don’t think anyone here would know what he’s from and anyways i don’t think half of the fandom he’s from knows that’s the character’s real name

———  EXPERIENCE! ♡

PLATFORMS USED! ♡    oh boy. oh boy. gaia online. msn. various forums. deviantart. a little bit of twitter, not a lot. facebook. skype. discord. i think i tried livejournal like once. xanga. how much more can i carbon date myself? aim. 

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE! ♡

GENDER! ♡    absolutely no preference, give me every gender, no gender, whatever you want babey

LEAST FAVOURITE FACE(S)! ♡    oh, i have a whole slew that i’m not gonna list. usually it’s people who have done genuinely heinous shit, but sometimes i just hate seeing certain faces! 

MULTI OR SINGLE! ♡    for so, so long i would stick to single muse blogs and then i’d have a million, but i figured it’d be waaaay too disorganized for me to have them all on the same blog, even if they were in the same fandom! i eventually started doing single-fandom multimuse blogs ( while also STILL having single blogs ) but within the last few weeks i just turned this witcher multi into a multi-fandom multimuse, and it’s honestly been really... freeing in a sense? anyways

———  FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡    

FLUFF:   please..... soft is my weakness

ANGST:  vaguely gestures to anytime i write with val

SMUT:  nope! i can do like. suggestive threads and stuff but full-on smut is a no-go for me. i’m not comfortable writing it out.

PLOT / MEMES! ♡  hell yeah to both, gang! i hoard memes like a raven, but i get to them all in eventual time! and i love to plot, let me know stuff you want to do with your muse and let’s do it!

——————

Stolen from @sunbentsky​​ ( muah ! )

Tagging whoever wants to do it!!

[ne-fe-li-bata]

Aye yo CORPSE!  ...

Dead ass;

You can't convince me that Corspe was/is/does ; 

in no particular order..

• Deserve to be held ( I would smother him with my chest and hold him tighter than he has ever been held) & protected from this world

• Pyro! Mans loves🔥🔥🔥 - mostly his fav elemental  (Leo is a fire sign); “WOOO... now that’s a fire!”

•  Loves knives/weapons- has a collection (quite a nifty 1, ay thank-a-you) & even knows how to use butterfly knives/ tackle combat.

      Has a collection of weapons (brass knuckle, daggers, swords, knives,etc.)

•  Highly interested in combat/training. Most likely has training in some sort of combat. Loves any form of physical combat < UFC,MMA, Boxing, any type of martial arts>

•  Absolute proper gentlemen / clearly has the utmost charm/cunning

      I.e holds the door open & will slap yo ass on the way in, moves you away from street side when walking, pulls chairs, defends your honor, etc.

• Takes A . L . O . T  to truly capture his attention- but once you have it ..%100

•  With his person; protective/obsessives/ possessive/ sensual/ affectionate .

              < mine is mine. me no share -like absolutely not at all>

             “ You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for ya“

• RP'er on DeviantArt/chats had his own OC. (also prob had his fav person to RP with) 

         <prob even talked to them in MSN or private chat>

•  Watched mostly nothing by anime/cartoons (nick/CN) as a kid & also mostly watched certain shows/movies as a kid well into his teens

         (could recite quotes/scenes as second nature)

•  Not a major musical theatre type of kid. But musical movies/shows was 1 of his favs- but still highly interested/ in love with theatre/musicals/preforming arts none the less.

-EYES DON’T LIE

•’staring problem’ he’d just stare at you -deep in his head (both good & bad) you’d have to bring him back to you ..”babe- eh, come *snap*back to me. What’s on your mind my love?’

•  Genuinely a really warm person- but only to certain people, but comes across cold & distance 

•  Grew up in the internet & knows the way around the 'business' & 'faceless' YouTubers/celebrities

•  His teens/ late adolescents consisted & grew up on YouTube O.G videos/ video game commentary/content;

  Cry.. <Cry was a huge part of my life & still hold a special place in my heart. Corspe just like I was most likely devastated with the shit that went down> 

Jack

Nova

Sp00n

Jontron

Smosh

Nigahiga

Shane

Jenna

Hanna Hart

Phil/Dan

KevJumba

Ray William Johnson

Pewds

Machinima

EMT

ERB

Wassabi Prod.

VlogBros, 

-etc

• Has an oral fixating (lovebites indefinitely <like dead ass ya’ll be chillan/ out & he’d attack you> & just needs something in his mouth always)

• Fidgety af, always need to be playing with something in his hands/playing with 

•  Is a goddamn absolute certified freak--but also super soft bean boi. (can't stress how this boi needs& deserves to be protected)

• Constant hand/arm touching/stroking for comfort.

• Daddy{papi} / Mommy(mamá) . Master . Sir  kink - hard control kinks- but highly sub. 

hard(er) kinks

• Lovebites = M I N E 

obvs fishnets/ crossbody straps/ lingerie

lace

collars/ restraints 

toys

     •RP

degrading/praising

sub/dom switch

showing/proving your actually/completely & utterly his/ he’s completely & utterly yours..

& of course you know it's go time when 1 - if not both of you has kitty ears on. 

over stim 

*no touchy/ don’t let me go*

“look at what I’ve done to you”

“you kno only I can do this to you”

“look how greedy you are for me”

“look at the mess you’ve made because of me’ 

“cum on my face”/’cum for me”

“who do you belong to” / “you belong to me & only me”

100% all black clothing 🖤

*that once we get home / I swear I’ll deal with you right here, right now* look 

primal play  “when you run from me, it only makes me want you more” “you know imma find you kitten”

pet names (beast< i feel like you call this man “ (a) beast”-he about to lose his absolute fucking mind> , “oh Corpse/______, you absolute fuckin’ beast- my God” kitten, babyboy/girl, baby(e), bae, my love, lover boy, my darling, slut, needy little bitch, cum slut, lil’ whore, master/mistress, king/queen”

“only yours” “just ______” “ no-one but _____” “only____” “only you” 

‘I’ll keep you so no one can find you or bother us’

“that’s my girl” / “that's my boy”

“would you like to/ I saw----”

“look at me” “don’t look away from me”

GROWLING / talking through clenched jaw

not breaking eye contact 

     • his name & ‘Corspe’ being cried out 

“cry out my name for me baby. know who you belong to”

video/sexing/teasing 

breeding kink

voyeurism

abrasions

aftercare af 

impact play 

24/7

edging 

accidental stim; “holy fuck- I’m so turned on by you rn”

rope bondage 

begging 

worships 

•  But also soft kinks; 

MEME SENDING

head on lap/chest

naps

playing with hair 

matching outfits

voice messages 

always touching (somehow)

no space between bodies

picture taking together/ just of you

body rubs, head rubs

massages

competition 

play fighting

“this reminded me of you”

“I remember you said” “I know you...”

“you know I love you”

“I can tell by your eyes”

“ugh- I swear to shit imma marry you 1 day”

“nothing really made sense until you”

“do you wanna watch”/ “WAIT!? YOU HAVEN’T SEEN?!”

“damn- you really do love/like me, eh?”/ “you are SO fucking mine”

“that’s my girl”/ “that's my boy”

pet names/ “MY_______” “YOURS”

long stares

dates- stay at home dates are his fav, as your attention/focus is just on him 

choker/necklace/ jewelry (that 1 of you bought- NOT LIKE HIGH PRICE TAG, but like seen it & was like ‘omg ____ would so wear...’) 

cuddles with movies /anime watching time

just being in the same room/on call- even in silence 

* emojis*- just some sort of communication 

inside jokes/ puns/dark humor

seeing 1 another with kids

future kink (family, travel, etc)

playing video games 

dancing/ singing with 1 another

Sitting on the ground, wrapped around his leg when he streams/edits

Nerf gun fights 

Watching him record (tracks/editing/streaming)

•  Loves- loves surprises <like dead ass would set up a surprise date/ do a scavenger hunt for you/ surprise you with your fav thing>

•  Loyalty is everything & his best attribute (& pride) 

• The music that he make is from the soul/heart. He pit everything has has/what he has left into his art

•  No one has seen the real him - a side he truly hides

•  He's both book & street smart

           Taught himself through YouTube/Reedit/online 

•  Fav actors; Jim Carrey/Robbin Williams/Will Smith (?)

•  Man’s straight up dangerous. we only know like a  quarter of him & people fall at his feet. ( h e . i s . n o t . t o . b e. F U C K E D . w i t h) 

•  Hates silence 

         ( constantly needs background noise)  <also can't fight me on this babyboi cuddles pillows/blankets for night-night time>

•  People don't understand the pain he is in every day, unless they have fibromyalgia/GERD/high functioning (sever social)anxiety/depression/ agoraphobia 

(my mom suffers with fibro/depression <I myself have GERD/ sever social amenity/depression>& I wouldn't wish those illness on my worse enemy...)

• Over all pain has changed him

• Has dealt with self harm since a young age- most likely 9- 11 yrs old. (as someone else who’s suffered with SH for years- when you become so numb it 1 of the only ways to feel some sort of anything/makes you feel like you’re alive)

• Addiction (drugs/people/things)

•  Wrote & read a lot of fanfiction

        (most likely his main source of reading in pre/teenage years)

• Is a hopeless romantic but has his guard way up

•  Obsessed with Japan / Studio Ghibli

• Doesn't think he deserves any of the recognition/ fame he's gotten--but definitely deserves it all as he's creative & inspirational as fuck. Also he’s worked so hard for it & had put himself through so much

    Contrary is highly appreciative of those that are supporting

• Doesn't do it for the fame but for the fact he know how he's gotten people through hard time (just like those on the internet got him through)

• Was a scene boy that vibe’d of myspace/ listens to a lot of  ‘scene’ pop-punk, emo/ scene band shit (band?)

•  Also is/was a major tumblr boy

•  Would be a phenomenal father

•   His love language: physical touch & words of affirmation 

• He would flinch at touch movement but would melt in your hands

• Face caresses would trigger anxiety/ tears.. but once he’s calmed/comfortable would burry his face in your touch. neck & chest

•  Still caught up in daydreams

•  A part of him is still never satisfied even if it’s exactly to the pin point detail of what he wanted  

•  Has at least 40/50(ish) songs he hasn't released

•  Mommy & daddy issues (not saying his home life was really- really  fucked - but non the less- it certainly wasn't the best).. Also wants to protect/provide for his family (especially his sister) & was prob closer to a grandparent/aunt/uncle)

•  Definitely prefers to be by himself, as every time people come around, it's like;‘"this is why I'm okay (ish)with being alone" 

• lost an important person to him due to O.D/ suicided..

•  Also most likely to of heard his "friends" shit talking 'Corpse' or something correlated with him

•  His pride is his biggest sin (next to lust)

•  Has single-handedly defined a huge part of 2020 ( in the best way)

•  Went through a fighting stage where he was ready to fuck anyone up on a drop of a dime (middle/'high school'/street fights- possibly even under ground)

          but also a stage where he cut absolutely everyone off for a solid couple years

•  Most likely obsessed with 1 of 3 creatures; lion, dragon, wolf ( 5ish- possibly bear/fox)

•  Dinosaur obsessed 

• Internet & video games raised him

• He raised himself

Quick to adapt to surroundings/situations.

•  Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was his shit ( I CAN SO SEE YOUNG BABYBOI RUNNIN AROUND THE HOUSE IN A POWER RANGER SUIT) "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME MOTHER FUCKER"

              fav ranger- green 

•  Has up until next year planned out & is working on the next 'version of corpse' ( PR, vids, music, etc)

•  Also med/high key this man was most likely in a physcward (more than once) ..

•  This man deserves more than he'll ever give himself recognition for & knows in the back of his mind--people will hate just to hate

•  Rose is his fav flower  🌹

•⛈️🌧️. >🌞.  Loves storms/ rain & prefers them over sunny days

•  Loves the moon/stars/space (?) < observatorium dates = fuckin mint>

• Pixar/Disney lover

        <still believes- deep down in happy ever after ... but thorough an twisted yet not so twisted- simple(??), dedicated process(?)>

•  Fav Pixar movie.. either Wall.E or Toy Story 

    •  Pixar > Disney

         •  But fav Disney movie- Beauty & the Beast (?)

• Most likely had a Jackass obsession's (doing dumb hoodshit)

•  Fall is his fav season (?)

•  Horror/ thriller movies/shows over everything (obvs)

•   Had an escape place in town where he’d hide from the world- that absolutely no one knew about. 

•  Was really into graffiti/ street art 

•  Arested as a youth - but charges dropped- or was still considered a mirror (either fighting/ possession/ trespassing/ vandalisms)

• Arrested on heavier charges (also same as above - but not tried as an minor)

•  also-ALSO ... thou he feels like he owes people something. HE DOESN’T OWE ANYTHING TO A N Y O N E . His mental & well being is the most important.

•  On a side & major note. You can't deny that this man single handily is a (in my opinion) the 2nd biggest “C” that define 2020.

•  Was most likely really into skateboarding/BMX

• Late night drives/impulsive road trips & playlist/ sitting at lookouts, just in silence & touching 1 another. 

• Clingy af-.. but could also be distance & cold af- especially on high pain days. stormy brain days. PTSD episodes.

• Slow dancing/ dancing around the apartments. with or without music.

• Rocking out with each other- screaming lyrics in each other face.

• “hey baby- how you feelin” 

         *grunting* *shuffles over & lays on chest* 

• Huge comforts for 1 another;

      Especially when going out, being wrapped around him for comfort & reassurance. Even being at home alone together- panic attacks are shit, PTSD episodes are even more shit. helping each other with bathing & caring

     When he’d be hiding from his reflection- or stares just a little too long. Going up behind him & worship him (vise versa)

• He’d be your biggest hypeman/ #1 fan (vise versa)

• Would LOVE you wearing his clothes/jewelry & would love to wear you things.

Was probably engaged to his ex (that's why he gets offt when people mention "corpse wife"

There'd be days where he'd be so distance & cold.. & tell you to leave but wouldn't let you.

He'd sit in the bathroom with you when you shower/have a bath.

As he doesn't sleep most night. He'd be up just watching you sleep & caressing you.

Lil spoon > big spoon.

<more to be added>

I love you... genuinely . turly.  madly. deeply.

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[kanewhelan]

Task #24: OOC Questions

OOC About Your Character(s)

1.     What do you want to get out of playing this character(s)?

How to feel like a villain and get away with doing bad things. 

2.     Describe your character(s) with three words.

Narcissistic, Agonizing (to others), Dark. 

3.     What made you decide to write this muse?

Just wanting to write someone who is really extreme and opposite from all my other muses. 

4.     If you could change one event in your muse’s life (in their main or canon verse), what would you change?

Him from being born is a little harsh, so I’ll say getting love from his parents. 

5.     If you could tell your muse one thing, what would you tell them?

Get over yourself, please. 

6.     If you could give your muse one gift, what would you give them?

Probably a heart. 

7.     If you had to take one positive thing away from your muse, what would you take away?

The confidence.

8.     If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

The confidence LOL.  

9.     Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life? 

No. Probably world domination would make him happy. 

10. Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

It’s gonna take A LOT for Kane to go through any angst. I would like to see that happen though lol. As far as I know, there’s not really anything that can break his heart. Again, I would like to see that happen. 

11. What do you love about your muse?

Him hating liars is probably one of his redeeming quality. 

12. What do you hate about your muse?

Him hurting people like it’s nothing special. 

13. What about your muse amuses you?

Probably thinking he’s the best when he’s really not. 

14. What about your muse makes you sad?

The idea of him never being able to fully love someone. 

15. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

Narcissistic jerk who only want people to listen to him and if they don’t, then it’s fun time. For him, of course. 

16. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

Absolutely not. I’m sure he won’t like me either. 

17. In what ways are you better than your muse? In what ways are they better than you?

I think just being a decent person makes me better lol. On the other hand, he doesn’t need to worry about things like feelings. I don’t know if you can call that better, but it’s definitely easier.  

18. Why do you think you connect to your muse?

Kane’s definitely the hardest to get into, but I think the idea of him makes it a lot easier to know how to be a better human being. Whatever I won’t do in real life, I’ll make Kane do it LOL. 

19. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

Probably his charisma/narcissism because that’s pretty much the embodiment of him. Pretty sure it’ll be the same for him.    

20. Has your character(s) changed over the time that you have been playing them? How have they changed?

I don’t know if there’s any changes for Kane really lol. 

About You!

1.     What is your name?

Linda

2.     What is your profession?

Social Worker

3.     What do you do to relax?

Watching a lot of TV or reading.

4.     What is your favorite treat (desert)?

Ice cream maybe? Not too crazy about desserts.

5.     Favorite movie

Battle Royale

6.     Favorite book

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

7.     Favorite vacation spot

Disney World

8.     Favorite Disney movie

Mulan

9.     How did you first get into role playing?

Came across one of those fancy rpg ads on Tumblr and the rest was history.

10. What was your first platform? If it was something other than Tumblr, what made you get into Tumblr?

Oh geez, maybe like MSN or Aim. I don’t really remember how I even got into Tumblr but it might have been through a friend.  

11. What’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

Probably all of them lol but mostly verb tenses.

12. Are there any languages besides English in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

Chinese probably but I wouldn’t call myself a pro at it.

13. Do you listen to music while your write?

I’m doing that right now LOL.

14. Are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

Leaning toward night.

15. How does tiredness affect your writing?

Hahaha, like not even understanding what I wrote even after reading it the 3rd time? It also doesn’t help that I’m always tired nowadays.

16. What is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

Being able to get into character. In a sense it’s not really just writing out a paper because it’s a lot like stepping into the character’s shoes. If I don’t feel it, then it’s going to be hard to write it.

17. How many drafts is a paralyzing amount?

Oh dear, probably once it hit over 50 then I gotta lay down and think about my issues.

18. Is there anything character-wise or writing style-wise that you can’t stand?

God-modding is pretty bothersome of course. I don’t think it’s a style, but unrealistic character/plot developments does irritate me.

19. What kind of anonymous questions are your favorite?

All types of anonymous questions are my favorite. Plus, answering them in different muses is the best part. Even the hate anons can be helpful at times.

20. What is your weakest point in writing? Angst, fluff, dialogue, etc.?

Oh, easy. Definitely smut. I am down to write anything, but smut is my biggest weakness. It’s not that I won’t write it, but I’m just not good at all.

[leoweatherington]

Task #24: OOC Questions

OOC About Your Character(s)

1.     What do you want to get out of playing this character(s)?

Just want to have some fun playing a guy who lives by his own rules. 

2.     Describe your character(s) with three words.

Unfiltered, Free-spirited, Mischievous. 

3.     What made you decide to write this muse?

Because of Millie’s wanted connection and being drawn to her story.

4.     If you could change one event in your muse’s life (in their main or canon verse), what would you change?

Save his mom and sister. 

5.     If you could tell your muse one thing, what would you tell them?

Go out and make some friends, fool. 

6.     If you could give your muse one gift, what would you give them?

More love. 

7.     If you had to take one positive thing away from your muse, what would you take away?

His strength to not let the bad experiences take over his life.

8.     If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

His carefree way of living.

9.     Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life?

I do want him to be happy and I want him to only be happy if that’s possible. Let him drop his guard and truly welcome people in. Be free of all the weight that he doesn’t even know is there.

10. Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

Another one where I don’t really mind putting through angst, but won’t actively look for it. Losing his sister will definitely break his heart.  

11. What do you love about your muse?

Never let anything get to him.

12. What do you hate about your muse?

Not having enough trust to let more people in.

13. What about your muse amuses you?

The way he gives no shit about what he or other people says lol. 

14. What about your muse makes you sad?

Having to grow up early and got used to being alone. 

15. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

Easy to be around and has the wittiest remarks. Leo is like the one friend that will make fun of you, but he won’t really hurt you for real.  

16. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

100%. I think he will be a really amusing friend. 

17. In what ways are you better than your muse? In what ways are they better than you?

I think it’s easier for me to trust people while Leo puts them off until he eventually does. On the other hand, Leo is never afraid to put his real self out there when he interacts with people and that’s something I wish I was more brave enough to do. 

18. Why do you think you connect to your muse?

Leo is the probably the most easy to jump into because he feels the most realistic to me. 

19. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

Being free spirited because while life is short, it is also very long.  Being so caught up with things that stress you out and make you unhappy will just make life way harder than it’s supposed to be. Enjoying life as best as we can should be life’s goal. And I think Leo feels the same way.  

20. Has your character(s) changed over the time that you have been playing them? How have they changed?

Leo has definitely learned to enjoy the company of other people. Though there’s not really a lot of changes here (because of my inactivity lol) but I think I’m looking forward to more changes. 

About You!

1.     What is your name?

Linda

2.     What is your profession?

Social Worker

3.     What do you do to relax?

Watching a lot of TV or reading.

4.     What is your favorite treat (desert)?

Ice cream maybe? Not too crazy about desserts.

5.     Favorite movie

Battle Royale

6.     Favorite book

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

7.     Favorite vacation spot

Disney World

8.     Favorite Disney movie

Mulan

9.     How did you first get into role playing?

Came across one of those fancy rpg ads on Tumblr and the rest was history.

10. What was your first platform? If it was something other than Tumblr, what made you get into Tumblr?

Oh geez, maybe like MSN or Aim. I don’t really remember how I even got into Tumblr but it might have been through a friend.  

11. What’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

Probably all of them lol but mostly verb tenses.

12. Are there any languages besides English in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

Chinese probably but I wouldn’t call myself a pro at it.

13. Do you listen to music while your write?

I’m doing that right now LOL.

14. Are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

Leaning toward night.

15. How does tiredness affect your writing?

Hahaha, like not even understanding what I wrote even after reading it the 3rd time? It also doesn’t help that I’m always tired nowadays.

16. What is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

Being able to get into character. In a sense it’s not really just writing out a paper because it’s a lot like stepping into the character’s shoes. If I don’t feel it, then it’s going to be hard to write it.

17. How many drafts is a paralyzing amount?

Oh dear, probably once it hit over 50 then I gotta lay down and think about my issues.

18. Is there anything character-wise or writing style-wise that you can’t stand?

God-modding is pretty bothersome of course. I don’t think it’s a style, but unrealistic character/plot developments does irritate me.

19. What kind of anonymous questions are your favorite?

All types of anonymous questions are my favorite. Plus, answering them in different muses is the best part. Even the hate anons can be helpful at times.

20. What is your weakest point in writing? Angst, fluff, dialogue, etc.?

Oh, easy. Definitely smut. I am down to write anything, but smut is my biggest weakness. It’s not that I won’t write it, but I’m just not good at all.

[gulana-alim]

Task #24: OOC Questions

OOC About Your Character(s)

1.     What do you want to get out of playing this character(s)?

It’s the idea of growing up. Everyone is constantly in that aspect of life, but for Ana it’s even more so because of her background. I want to see how someone like her will eventually become. 

2.     Describe your character(s) with three words.

Sunshine, Animating, Curious. 

3.     What made you decide to write this muse?

I wanted to write someone who even though seemed like a see-through character, but actually turns out to be really complex. To others she can be pretty one-dimensional, but there’s just so much to be opened up if the chance comes along.  

4.     If you could change one event in your muse’s life (in their main or canon verse), what would you change?

Keeping her mom alive will change everything. 

5.     If you could tell your muse one thing, what would you tell them?

Never change. 

6.     If you could give your muse one gift, what would you give them?

A new dad. 

7.     If you had to take one positive thing away from your muse, what would you take away?

Her childish way most likely. She’ll finally be able to grow up. 

8.     If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

Her happy-go-lucky way.

9.     Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life?

I absolutely do. Just let her enjoy all the little, big things and experience the world. 

10. Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

Yes and no. I wouldn’t mind seeing her being happy forever, but when angst does happen, I will let her go through it. The thing that will break her heart the most is if her dad leaves her. 

11. What do you love about your muse?

Never harbored any hate for anyone.

12. What do you hate about your muse?

Not knowing when she’s in other people’s personal space. 

13. What about your muse amuses you?

Thinks everything and everyone is super interesting. . 

14. What about your muse makes you sad?

Doesn’t know when she is being taken advantage of. 

15. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

Childish enough to be adore, but not to the point where she needs protection. A big sunshine personality that not everyone can deal with, but worth having around if they can stand it.  

16. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

Definitely. I wanna squish her. 

17. In what ways are you better than your muse? In what ways are they better than you?

More mature? But she’s more stress free lol. 

18. Why do you think you connect to your muse?

Ana makes me feel younger even though she’s way older than me. But regardless of age, it’s her simple way of life that makes it so easy to connect to. 

19. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

Her childish and just genuineness is pretty much how I play her as a whole. As for Ana, it’s being able to express what she likes or not like without needing to think too much into it. She doesn’t necessarily think she’s childish but just like a child, she can’t really hide her emotions.   

20. Has your character(s) changed over the time that you have been playing them? How have they changed?

Ana’s growth is a little on the slow side, but she’s slowly growing up and starting to understand the idea of being around people.

About You!

1.     What is your name?

Linda

2.     What is your profession?

Social Worker

3.     What do you do to relax?

Watching a lot of TV or reading.

4.     What is your favorite treat (desert)?

Ice cream maybe? Not too crazy about desserts.

5.     Favorite movie

Battle Royale

6.     Favorite book

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

7.     Favorite vacation spot

Disney World

8.     Favorite Disney movie

Mulan

9.     How did you first get into role playing?

Came across one of those fancy rpg ads on Tumblr and the rest was history.

10. What was your first platform? If it was something other than Tumblr, what made you get into Tumblr?

Oh geez, maybe like MSN or Aim. I don’t really remember how I even got into Tumblr but it might have been through a friend.  

11. What’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

Probably all of them lol but mostly verb tenses.

12. Are there any languages besides English in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

Chinese probably but I wouldn’t call myself a pro at it.

13. Do you listen to music while your write?

I’m doing that right now LOL.

14. Are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

Leaning toward night.

15. How does tiredness affect your writing?

Hahaha, like not even understanding what I wrote even after reading it the 3rd time? It also doesn’t help that I’m always tired nowadays.

16. What is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

Being able to get into character. In a sense it’s not really just writing out a paper because it’s a lot like stepping into the character’s shoes. If I don’t feel it, then it’s going to be hard to write it.

17. How many drafts is a paralyzing amount?

Oh dear, probably once it hit over 50 then I gotta lay down and think about my issues.

18. Is there anything character-wise or writing style-wise that you can’t stand?

God-modding is pretty bothersome of course. I don’t think it’s a style, but unrealistic character/plot developments does irritate me.

19. What kind of anonymous questions are your favorite?

All types of anonymous questions are my favorite. Plus, answering them in different muses is the best part. Even the hate anons can be helpful at times.

20. What is your weakest point in writing? Angst, fluff, dialogue, etc.?

Oh, easy. Definitely smut. I am down to write anything, but smut is my biggest weakness. It’s not that I won’t write it, but I’m just not good at all.

[finncarlyle]

Task #24: OOC Questions

OOC About Your Character(s)

1.     What do you want to get out of playing this character(s)?

Wanting to see if it’s possible to break a happy character. JOKING. 

2.     Describe your character(s) with three words.

Considerate, Gentle, Awkward.

3.     What made you decide to write this muse?

I’ve always had characters like him, but he was finally finalized when I came to TI. I gotta be honest, it’s because it’s easier to play a nicer character. 

4.     If you could change one event in your muse’s life (in their main or canon verse), what would you change?

HIS HEALTH. 

5.     If you could tell your muse one thing, what would you tell them?

You’re worth everything.

6.     If you could give your muse one gift, what would you give them?

A big, long hug. 

7.     If you had to take one positive thing away from your muse, what would you take away?

I think the selflessness is making it hard for him to reach out so I will pluck that away. 

8.     If you could “borrow” one aspect of your muse and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

Being unselfishly kind. 

9.     Do you genuinely want your muse to be happy? What do you think would make them most happy in life?

I dooooo. It’s also super easy for him to be happy in life. Just give him good, happy, healthy friends/family and he can die happy. 

10. Do you enjoy putting your muse through angst? What do you think would break their heart the most?

Oh hell yeah. (sorry Finny) Making him see people he cares about hurt will easily break his heart. 

11. What do you love about your muse?

His kindness. 

12. What do you hate about your muse?

Not being able to ask for help when he needs it. 

13. What about your muse amuses you?

His awkwardness.  

14. What about your muse makes you sad?

His health. 

15. How would you describe your muse to someone about to meet them, in person, for the first time?

A sweet, sweet boy who at times can be awkwardly timid, but most importantly, will love you no matter what.  

16. Would you like your muse as a person if you met them in real life?

I would love him. 

17. In what ways are you better than your muse? In what ways are they better than you?

Being able to be more direct and not let certain things bring me down is a big one. For him it’s being able to keep going even when things are bad. While it sounds like they’re the same thing, it’s really not. It’s the difference of not being sad, but giving up and being sad but keep moving. Who’s really the strong one here lol. 

18. Why do you think you connect to your muse?

It feels good to do good through him. 

19. What aspect of your muse’s personality is most important to you? What aspect of your muse’s personality do you think is most important to them? Is it the same? Why or why not?

His kindness and selflessness is the most important because not only does it make it easier to step into him, it’s also a good reminder to be like him in real life. For Finn, I think him being kind is also important to him because he only ever wanted people around him to be happy. 

20. Has your character(s) changed over the time that you have been playing them? How have they changed?

Oh, yes. Finn’s definitely more mature and him being my first and oldest (not age-wise) character, he’s been through a lot more crappy things lol.  

About You!

1.     What is your name?

Linda

2.     What is your profession?

Social Worker

3.     What do you do to relax?

Watching a lot of TV or reading. 

4.     What is your favorite treat (desert)?

Ice cream maybe? Not too crazy about desserts. 

5.     Favorite movie

Battle Royale

6.     Favorite book

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

7.     Favorite vacation spot

Disney World 

8.     Favorite Disney movie

Mulan 

9.     How did you first get into role playing?

Came across one of those fancy rpg ads on Tumblr and the rest was history. 

10. What was your first platform? If it was something other than Tumblr, what made you get into Tumblr?

Oh geez, maybe like MSN or Aim. I don’t really remember how I even got into Tumblr but it might have been through a friend.  

11. What’s a grammar rule you find yourself breaking or ignoring a lot?

Probably all of them lol but mostly verb tenses. 

12. Are there any languages besides English in which you think you could comfortably roleplay?

Chinese probably but I wouldn’t call myself a pro at it. 

13. Do you listen to music while your write?

I’m doing that right now LOL. 

14. Are you a morning, day, evening, or night writer?

Leaning toward night. 

15. How does tiredness affect your writing?

Hahaha, like not even understanding what I wrote even after reading it the 3rd time? It also doesn’t help that I’m always tired nowadays. 

16. What is your biggest obstacle to writing every day, if time doesn’t count?

Being able to get into character. In a sense it’s not really just writing out a paper because it’s a lot like stepping into the character’s shoes. If I don’t feel it, then it’s going to be hard to write it. 

17. How many drafts is a paralyzing amount?

Oh dear, probably once it hit over 50 then I gotta lay down and think about my issues. 

18. Is there anything character-wise or writing style-wise that you can’t stand?

God-modding is pretty bothersome of course. I don’t think it’s a style, but unrealistic character/plot developments does irritate me.

19. What kind of anonymous questions are your favorite?

All types of anonymous questions are my favorite. Plus, answering them in different muses is the best part. Even the hate anons can be helpful at times. 

20. What is your weakest point in writing? Angst, fluff, dialogue, etc.?

Oh, easy. Definitely smut. I am down to write anything, but smut is my biggest weakness. It’s not that I won’t write it, but I’m just not good at all.

[the1idontshowppleatwork]

I literally pick the best moments to write :D Okay, this is ‘part 2′ of timeline break for Said and Done (Jack’s family is a wee bit more overbearing on the subject of his mental health so he finishes his MSN and misses out on SEP). Also, a test run for Jack’s POV which is not featured in Said and Done itself outside of one or two brief instances. (Would be nice if someone would drop a comment about wanting to read more of Jack’s POV or not). Part 1 with Gabriel’s POV below.

*

For Jack Morrison, on the other hand, the whole day (nearing his twenty-sixth hour since the last time he managed to sneak an hour-long nap in transit) was going to hell in a handbasket. In his own humble opinion, the command and the military intelligence (an oxymoron, as he heard it referred to colloquially quite often) have collectively shat their own bed but who was he to judge? The whole situation was fubar. Fucktangular. Fucktastic without the 'tastic' part. Evacuating the force this size under active enemy fire was an impossible feat. Well, at least until Strike Force arrived to try and slow the growing tide of Omnics which gave them time and opportunity to get to more of the wounded that otherwise would have been left behind as 'acceptable losses'.

And it seemed that it had worked - for some time - until one of them managed to blow himself up on a mine, or something. Figures.

Jack sent the last stretcher back and hunkered down next to them. The woman was already putting down the biotic field when he shouted over the noise.

"Have you checked for shrapnel and bullets?"

"We don't have time!"

"There's time on evac!"

And that's how Jack ended with his nose broken while almost up to his elbow in someone's intestines because the motherfucker just woke up and swung. Really, he should get a medal for not ripping anything more than it already was, and another one for extracting the metal junk when almost choking on the blood that went down his throat. Maybe, even a third medal was deserved for finishing the sutures.

"Okay, you can run the field now," Jack muttered stuffing a torn off part of his own undershirt into his nasal cavities, "and I'm going to lie down and sleep. Wake me when we get there," he added looking at his watch. "I'll need to run some checks on site."

Luck would have it that was one of the fancy crafts and Jack only got half an hour in, definitely too little, but his life was always this shifty mean little fucker that threw curveballs every chance it got.

The base was a small temporary unit running on a skeleton crew with no real medical facilities, with evac orders standing for the next ten hours. Jack spent the first hour calmly screaming at a changing gallery of different bureaucrats through his comms until he got to Colonel Ramiz. At least the rest of Strike Team had fun listening in judging by the comments and the occasional sniggering.

"Sir, with all due respect," by which Jack meant no respect whatsoever, "I want you to know that I have a so-called supersoldier with shrapnel in his stomach, and I need very precise information on how to treat him if he's to be of any use in a day or two. Yeah, sir, I can see how you're just going to fly someone with enough clearance here within the closest two hours," the sarcasm was palatable. "Yes, sir, I know this obviously is a strictly need-to-know basis, so I'm asking you to patch me to Achan Nguyen on the secure channel. Oh, just tell her it's her brother calling, John Francis Morrison."

There it was, the incredulous 'Francis' in the background, and Jack turned to glare.

"Yes, Colonel, sir, 'that' John Francis Morri... Motherfucker!" The line clicked off but then connected again after few seconds. "Hey, sis. Yeah, I'm good. Clusterfuck. Mhm. No, no, sis, I'm good. I got one Gabriel Reyes, shrapnel in the abdominal cavity, removed, stitched as well as I could, but they got those new gen biotics, and the first scan showed abnormal growths on internal... Yeah. No, I can do it, but he goes through anesthesia like candy, and I'd prefer he doesn't break anything more than my nose. No, that all good... Okay, give me a sec," Jack frantically searched for a pen and paper to take notes. "Wow. This would kill an elephant. Thank, sis. Give love to the rest. Yeah, I'm taking care. Yeah, I'm taking my pills diligently. Could you stop embarrassing me in front of the whole Strike Team? Bye. Yes, bye, I'm disconnecting."

Scavenging the needed drugs took about half an hour, another half hour he spent mixing everything together, just in time for the sleeping princess to start coming to. After it became obvious his patient was really out of it, Jack decided to have some fun because, really, who could blame him after a day like this? The guy broke his nose while he just wanted to help, and anyway, he was up and standing only thanks to the copious amounts of caffeine and sheer spite.

"...and, with all due respect, sir, if you try to move your arse from the bed, I'm authorized to jab you with this very big and very blunt syringe full of very complex chemicals with very long names, of which at least two are classified as regular poison, and I'm told they will put you under for around five hours," Jack let his mouth run on autopilot at the man staring at him with something akin to awestruck expression on his face.

"Marry me...?" 

"Did you just proposition me, sir?" Jack blinked. He had his previous patients tell him some strange things under the influence but this was a first.

"Yeah, I did...?" There was a genuine wonder to be heard in the hoarse voice.

"I think trying to bribe a medical officer with sexual favors does classify as a syringe-worthy offense," Jack snickered and stabbed him in the arm with the aforementioned syringe. The cocktail worked wonders.

"So, how's the patient doing?" The woman stood leaning on the doorframe. "Ana Amari."

"Good. And the name's Jack," he muttered while focusing on the image on the scanner.

"Not 'John Francis'?"

"John's my father, and Francis was my grandpa," Jack cut away another fold of new tissue. "Before you ask, you use prototype biotics, they're good, very good, but they're only machines and do what they're programmed to, and do it good, but they get confused when it's more complicated than just rebuilding, like, you know, they go batshit crazy on complicated injuries like here, and coupled with abnormal healing factor, there's going to be additional growths and things stick together, that shouldn't be. Get stuck together, I mean."

"You seem to know a lot about this, Jack," Ana nodded.

"Yeah, you get to use this shit, they teach us about this shit, and sorry, I'm really tired right now, can't really focus on two things at once. Can you hand me the blue laser-pointer looking thingy?" Jack extended his bloodied and towards her. "Yeah, that one. Topical biotics. And my sister was, is, involved in the program, and I really shouldn't be talking about that but screw that, I'll probably get court martial about the whole clusterfuck anyway."

"I'm sure we can put in a good word, or two, on your behalf," Ana smirked.

"Oh, yeah, would be nice, but first let me sleep for a day or two in the brig, can you?" Jack stitched the incision and then applied the nanomachines over it. "He should be waking up in around an hour, and probably be at ninety, ninety-five percent on evac, regardless, you should have him go through a full physical at the closest possible time because there might be still things that slipped past me. Definitely, there are. But," Jack fell into the chair next to the bed with a feeling he would not be getting out of it again, "probably nothing of the kind that's life-threatening or very inconvenient. More than usual. What's his usual anyway?"

"Dorky grumpy," Jack had to admit Ana had very pleasant laughter. "You are going with us, by the way, I'll make him apologize."

"It was nice even if he was tripping balls."

"What, breaking your nose?"

"Oh, that. Sorry," Jack slurred feeling consciousness leaving him. "Need to sleep..."

And then, there was only sweet darkness.

[sinnhelmingr]

Name: Kadian!

Age: 27

BASICS :

Preferred pronouns: She/They Sexuality: Ace lesbian Zodiac sign: Cancer Taken or single: Single n ready to fumkin mingle

THREE FACTS :

1). I collect first editions of books! It is my goal to at some point mount a rescue operation to get all of my collection out of my now rather dilapidated childhood home. 2). I drink five gallons of chocolate milk a week. This is simply who I am as a human being and I will not apologize for this fact nor change my ways. 3). I have an entire Gaiman/Sandman corner on my shelf. It includes a statue of my favorite character the first big edition of his comic of origin, a handbook to said series, a Gaiman biography, and a few other graphic novels he did. I hope to expand it as I recover more collectibles I own.

EXPERIENCE :

How’d you start: I was always the kid that wanted to play pretend and got really into the narratives I came up with, well past the point when most kids start focusing on the real world. I then started doing pen and paper RP with friends in fourth grade, mostly cringey Naruto and Lord of the Rings shit, before moving on to yahoo/MSN, MyOtaku, deviantArt, GaiaOnline, forums, and eventually moving to tumblr in high school.

MUSE  PREFERENCES :

Female or male: Female, though if going through all my muses has taught me anything I’m relatively equal opportunity. I’m a big fan of making OCs and fleshing out underutilized, wasted, or fan least favorite characters, which makes me gravitate towards ladies as a general rule. Favorite face: Jennifer Connelly is my first, my last, my everything and I utterly adore her face and the almost chameleon quality of her as an FC. Least favorite face: Honest tie between Ad*m Driver and Timothee Chalam*t. I think they’re both genuinely unattractive and that they’re wildly oversaturated and romanticized both in film/television canon and among their fans.

WRITING PREFERENCES :

Fluff, angst or smut: Angst, so long as it isn’t just for its own sake. I love shake-ups that drive real character development and reflection, especially if it’s used for relationship building as well. I’m fluff friendly, though, and would probably say my dms/plotting are an even stevens mix between the two. Smut is not really my scene, though I might discuss muse sex lives among shipmates I trust and once in a blue moon write up a smut thread on discord. Plots or memes: Plots! It’s part of why I stay posting my relationship call and throwing out plotting calls. I like the security of knowing where something is going and that everyone is same page, largely due to my own anxiety. I love when people come to me with ideas and concepts for interactions and having a chance to build on them.

Tagged by: @nxctividus Tagging: @luxsclaris, @loptgangandi, @edgymuses, @fulgurantfirstborn, + u <3

[forever-waiting]

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. ”

One 

You were my first that I explored with in my mind,

I would think of scenarios, walks along the beach and holding hands for the first time. 

It was the birth of technology and so I would pine,

over the two of three photos of you that I would look up online. 

I would see you afar occasionally... once or twice a week,

but you curled by my side every night before I fell asleep. 

It was innocence and pure, the first ever rush

that came after puberty, my first teenage crush. 

Two 

You were the first crush I befriended, now I was thirteen 

although we talked on the daily it was only behind the screen. 

I think I liked you and happened to start chatting through circumstances of chance, 

but the feelings grew stronger as our friendship advanced.

And so the oddest occurrence would happen everyday, 

I’d see you in the distance and I would run away. 

For I was too scared too shy to face what had grown, 

yet I would be so excited to talk to you as soon as I got home. 

I remember when I was in Italy, in the back of the car,

My parents had followed the GPS and it had taken us afar. 

We’d strayed from the highways and into the countryside fields,

and the shades of pink and indigo were dancing on our wind shield. 

I was tired of reading Percy Jackson and my little red mp3,

so I would do my third favourite car activity and begin to day dream. 

I’d dream of you injured all bruised and alone, 

and how I was the only one who to, your emotions would show. 

I would heal your worries and distract you with a kiss, 

and you’d forget all your sorrows and wish for more moments like this.

I’d dream that you’d fight with the first one I liked, 

I dreamed that there was a brawl because you didn’t treat me right.

and in this particular scene you ended up behind bars,

whilst I tended to my first’s fresh wounds and scars. 

You were the first I ever thought about in that way, 

For the first time I craved someone’s sweat in my dreams and in the day. 

I even recall I casted a spell, 

hoping you would feel something for me as well. 

I remember your picture hidden in the corners of my room,

and I would perform a ritual and pray to the full moon.

I remember I wrote your name on paper in the shape of the heart, 

and for days my good luck charm I could not stand to be apart. 

I remember one day when you were under the weather, 

and you were going out shopping with your family together, 

and I asked you to bring a jumper so it wouldn’t get bad, 

and when I found out you disobeyed my request I had honestly never been so mad. 

It’s crazy to reminisce now and realised how much I cared back then, 

but it’s probably because of this, that I so easily for you gave up my best friend. 

I don’t know if it’s too late but I just hope that you never ever throw away, 

that brown plushie hong kong souvenir we hastily and discreetly shoved in your bag that hot summers day. 

Three

You were my first crush that I originally saw only as a friend, 

I didn’t care about you much and ignored your efforts on msn. 

I remember you were particularly affectionate and I found it weird,

that you would hug me and proclaim your love for me so openly and without fear. 

Of course this was platonic and just your innocence of the day, 

and I took advantage and lead your trust astray. 

I very much do agree now when you recall about being so naive,

but a little part of me breaks when I remember it was me that broke you first and had you deceived. 

I don’t remember why the flip switched on that particular day,

but I remember lying down on my bed and saying no way no way no way. 

I actually made a pact to myself for you not to be next, 

but ironically and unfortunately it only became more complex.

You became entangled in one of my best friends, 

and out of jealousy I started gossip and attacked your weak defence. 

I hated the ideas of my world colliding, 

and I didn’t want to lose either of you to each others romanticising. 

And when you found out... the immense faith you had in me,

was forever lost and is probably still somewhere out at sea. 

It was a very tough road from then on,

because despite fucking up my feelings were still strong. 

In fact they kept getting stronger I think I liked you the most,

so so so much that as opposed to the previous... all the small moments I had would not be able to fit into this post. 

I remember that for years after I would chase for your love,

and despite you trying your hardest in our friendship it was never enough. 

I would ask for you to express your love for me like you did back in the old days, 

and say how much I preferred it when you liked to play. 

I remember that one day I realised i was in so deep,

that I let you know that I had to cut you off I was so weak.

You were so confused and kept pestering me why, 

and you said you’d pester me everyday until I returned to your life. 

That moment hurt the most because I wanted so bad to tell you the truth, 

but I couldn’t, it was for the best, for the best for you. 

You gave me so much sorrow, but there were moments of joy sometimes.

I’d text you good morning on the days I’d wake up with you on my mind. 

Our friendship was definitely the most invested, there were endless ups and downs, 

you even coined it our rollercoaster, this ride we had found. 

It’s why you know me so well now, and could tell the signs of Four, 

you told me you knew it was coming and that you’ve seen it all before. 

I just wish that as a friend I was so much better to you, 

because I don’t think you’d trust me ever again the way I now trust you. 

and I know that somewhere those broken pieces are still lost at sea,

and maybe even someday they’ll drift back to me.

and I’ll come back and return them and apologise,

and you’ll find your innocent self again come back into your every day life. 

Four  

You were someone I was friends with for years until things changed, 

You’re also the first that’s capable of feeling the same way. 

I first found it exciting to have you as a friend,

to have someone not in any of my friend circles was a godsend. 

With you it was different, I found that I could be my true self.

I’d tell you everything, make symbolic jokes and trusted you in wealth. 

One day I found out the jokes had made a relay, 

into one of my friend circles and they confronted me. 

I told you off and was on edge, but had faith in our trust.

But you kept repeating offences and so I stopped telling you stuff. 

It’s sad because I think I never trusted someone more,

but i’m good at cutting people off so I showed you to the door. 

Years went by we stayed in touch but only small chat, 

somehow you got friendly with a circle and made your way back. 

You grew some extra interests that collided with mine,

and so naturally we talked and hung and spent together much more time. 

Once again I didn’t really care I had the upper hand, 

You don’t have a lot of friends and I totally knew that.

We played by my rules and I barely compromised, 

and when we fought I’d happily ignore and you’d always apologise. 

But somewhere after one of these fights something started to change, 

eventually I became sad that you were ignoring me. 

We made up as usual and everything was alright,

but I suddenly started noticing that to me you were super nice. 

I always genuinely appreciated when you helped me with big tasks, 

but I started realising the small things that you did when I never asked. 

I remembered that one time after another one of our fights,

for the first time in my life someone rocked up to my house on the day with a gift to apologise. 

I started to feel again and it had honestly been years, 

but I was so scared of this precious friendship that had come back, i had so many fears. 

Usually I would let it develop and see where everything would go,

But I was tired of feeling heartbreak and unrequited so I didn’t let them grow.

Reflecting it was the dumbest move but I didn’t want more sad memoirs, 

so to “save” this friendship I decided I would self sabotage.

It was the first time I confessed, it was the first time I let the other know,

But I killed it immediately saying how I hated how these feelings so. 

What happened next was not as smooth as what I thought it would be,

I thought i’d be held accountable and the feelings would deseed. 

I was immediately propelled into stages of grieving for these feelings, 

It was probably a bad idea.. my way of dealing. 

I was being spectated on my socials whilst I would mourn,  

you read this very blog... my inner thoughts of forlorn. 

I tried my hardest to keep to objective to keep the friendship preserved,

but you had so much control over every state of being and emotion in my reserves. 

I started posting things that I wanted you deliberately to see, 

I wanted you to see despite not your fault, how much you were hurting me. 

It was definitely unhealthy and I’m happy I followed eventual advice,

to cut you off cold turkey and blocked access to take a break from you in my life. 

It’s funny as the weeks went on... I got better and I thought I was ready to unblock and start interacting again soon 

and found you had behind my back thrown me into the middle of this typhoon. 

You showed my messages, this blog and sent them to our mutuals who didn’t know, 

made them take your side, made fun and mocked me in your grandiose show. 

It’s funny that after I had a long awaited talk with them they realised, 

about your scheming ways and your victimised disguise. 

There were many things you did along the way that hurt me honestly,

but none of them compare to this, this is treachery. 

I changed my blog and blocked your accounts so you lost the last active part of me, 

and you’ve still been caught stirring seeking attention even recently. 

What hurts me the most is not the unrequited feelings, it’s our friendship...

When I think of you randomly now It always starts off warm and then I suddenly feel sick. 

How can one have feelings for someone who hurt you so much like this,

How can one think of being friends when I was backstabbed on your lips. 

I always knew you lacked emotional intelligence and that’s why you don’t have many friends,

but I didn’t think you’d break trust this deep, so deep it’s hard to amend. 

I saw you at a dinner at a celebration the other night, 

I spent the whole two hours at war, avoiding your gaze and your sight. 

I stole a few glances it was impossible not to do, 

and I left without saying a word without saying a word to you.

I left the car from my friends and they could tell I was feeling down,

they gave me words of support and strength and it really helped my frown. 

I wonder what would’ve happen if I stayed behind for drinks,

would you have approached me and would we have tried to discuss these broken kinks. 

You were one of my closest friends last year and It’s crazy to think how much has changed,

I know i’m not still better yet so I don’t know what else to say.

I’m still sad when I think of you but now I am enjoying and focusing on my life again, 

I don’t know when or if we can still be friends. 

FIVE ?

I’ve only had four serious experiences, and none of them requited.

and from this book/film I found some inspiration ignited...

to revisit them and see how much I originally had to give,

I’m only 22 and my heart has worn out through every experience it’s lived. 

I originally thought I was a devoted hopeless romantic and would hope things to eventually look up, 

but surely at this rate by five or six I will be bankrupt. 

[a-thehandcrusher]

knowing your partner well can potentially make writing together a lot easier! * repost , do not reblog !

1. BASICS

NAME / ALIAS:  Deen! PRONOUNS: She/Her! SEXUALITY:  Heterosexual with a genuine appreciation for the ladies. ZODIAC SIGN:  Leo. AGE:  Twenty-six!

2. EXPERIENCE

HOW LONG (MONTHS/YEARS?):  dfdsjgsndg since 2002, I think. LOL... PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED:  yahoo chats, myspace (god I forgot about this -- thanks faust for bringing up my dark past), aim chats, gaiaonline, msn chats, skype, aim, discord, tumblr. BEST EXPERIENCE:  asdhjsfhsd this is a copout, but honestly I really do enjoy making new friends who enjoy the same things I do and being able to write stories together with them. For as much of a mess it is, if it weren’t for this site I wouldn’t have met a lot of the amazing people I have!

3. WRITING PREFERENCES

FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT:  I tend to gravitate towards a mixture between fluff and angst at any given time. I really do enjoy my cracky/silly rps though. GENRE:  Mm... Action/Adventure/Comedy? Does that work? PLOTS OR MEMES:  Memes that lead to plots. LONG OR SHORT REPLIES:  Short threads are nice to get my creative juices flowing -- once that happens I can kind of snowball smaller threads into long ones. BEST TIME TO WRITE: 6am, apparently. Or when I’m drunk/buzzed. Awful. ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S):  Mmm... yeah, there’s bits and pieces to their personality here and there. I don’t really know if there’s one that’s a carbon copy of me -- god, I wouldn’t wish that kind of character on anyone.

Tagged by: @resedagales - Thank you!

Tagging: @whataherodoes, @smashkick, @objectivelyhot, @underoosed, @reactoring, @islelight, and anyone else who wants to join in on the fun.

[sherleneluther]

Link Building Basics For Small Businesses

98. Deliver 1000's of GSA verified list phony referrals at each top ranking Internet site, guaranteeing bigger boobs, a fourteen-inch penis (is that size or girth?), or hundreds of thousands of bucks in totally free, unclaimed money. Attending trade exhibits is not only a free magic formula it is also a great chance where you can get item trends preview and link with manufacturers and discuss the chance of selling their products on eBay. Make certain to bring your business cards and be prepared for discussions! There are dozens of various social networking sites, but my suggestion would be to adhere with the few I have listed over. Established up a total profile on each website, and then have a employees member post something on each website once a 7 days. Discover a fantastic piece of chiropractic information that you want to share and write a few sentences about it. There's not a lot to it, but it starts to develop up your existence. You ought to also inform you individuals to connect to you on every of the websites. It can be a great way to speak to them every week, and can replace things like newsletters. Use social media marketing for the things you can, but keep in mind that it's an essential piece of a bigger construction that you need to develop. URL Ranker provides immediate, online reports of website rankings in seventeen top search engines, such as Google, Yahoo, AOL Lookup, MSN, AllTheWeb and AltaVista, again for free. It will inform you if your website is listed in every engine, and inform you the ranking if it is. Once someone has bought the GSA verified list merchandise, it should be delivered off. This is usually carried out as soon as the payment from the purchaser has cleared. The buyer should know which transport option was provided when they bought the merchandise. It's always an additional bonus if the vendor can deliver quickly. This will also result in good feedback from most purchasers as nicely! In the recent previous it was discovered that there are businesses in places like India, exactly where labour is very cheap, which use genuine people to click on ads. These individuals are spread out in various places creating the IP addresses all different and non-proxy. Moreover, they are real people so their actions can seem more all-natural. This scheme can also be tough to spot. For starters, some "drop shippers" are just center-males who get in touch with the genuine fall shipper when you location an GSA verified list purchase. They use you as their salesperson, so you use your money and time to discover customers, and reduce into your revenue. You can test different combinations of these various hotspots to see what works very best for you and builds your list. For instance, you can use a Pop-up with your free provide and opt-in type, an choose-in form in your blog's sidebar and a concept with a text link or opt-in form at the end of every post. Certainly spend some time analyzing your blog and your on-blog list developing technique so you can make complete use of this on-line real estate that you have invested in. It's normal human behaviour when you assist market others first, others will return the favour. Link building falls in the same line. Offer something of true value; some thing that will make others really feel essential and the karma will come back to you in a positive way.much more publicity on trustworthy high web page rating websites. The stage of this instead long winded tale is that it is essential to check that your marketing email messages are becoming despatched correctly and that important items, this kind of as the Unsubscribe link, are obviously marked. How to use it: Over the previous months I've develop more than 60 links to my sites utilizing this program. 1 factor I love about it is that all the links are frequently checked, so I can be certain that they are nonetheless active. Because all the links have categories, it's simple to choose links that are suitable to my content material. My experience has proven me that most chiropractic patients won't invest a lot time learning about chiropractic on your web site. They may go to once or twice, but they're not heading to spend hrs each 7 days studying about your philosophy. So if this is true it's very important to have a web site that is geared toward producing new individuals. A chiropractic website that appears thoroughly clean and professional, has an obvious new affected person provide, and that performs nicely in a Google search. If you can attain all 3 you're in great form, but it can be difficult to find a web site supplier that can do all of this. Do your research and you will discover the solutions that you are gsa Search engine ranker link list for. Conclusion: Drop transport is a high-profit, reduced-cost business with limitless potential, that can be run successfully from house. Fall transport is one of best business improvements at any time. With dependable drop shippers, your small house company is ready to promote brand-name goods worldwide just like the large guys.

[jerroldmcallist-blog]

Free List Building Methods

Flattery nonetheless goes a long way and creating a top list of specialists, weblogs, or articles and so on. pertaining to your market is one way to go about getting a mention and a link back again to your web site. The item isn't just to slap on a leading list to get a link back even though that's exactly what you're attempting to do, but to offer a genuine reason for creating a leading list. 74. Tell the purchaser the reality about your Shipping guidelines before hand. Location GSA Search Engine Ranker link list to your transport policy, privacy, returns & trade guidelines where the customer can effortlessly discover them. Say, if you only ship to United kingdom, say that correct off and a number of times. The over list is just a couple of of the feasible methods to develop links. Get inventive! Be energetic in the internet neighborhood and your nearby community, build associations with other people operating in your field and the links will start to build up naturally. Sign up form. 1 of the simplest ways of obtaining people to sign up to your GSA verified list is to seize their details via your web site. Place a signal up form on every page of your website, ideally at the leading of the sidebar or in the header. It's a good concept to include an incentive for people to signal up, eg provide them a free E-book on a subject that you know will be of interest to them. You can then place an image of the E-book next to the type with a big button saying "Sign up now" to entice individuals's interest. Freebie: we often speak about supplying some thing for your prospect, that they will receive for giving you their email. There a many various types of freebies you can offer: an audio, a video clip, a podcast, a report, an ebook, an ecourse, and so on. The better your provide, the more people will want to signal up for your list. Put some work into this product (you only have to do it once!) and make it beneficial - your prospects will appreciate your generosity! Perhaps 1 of the most-told stories about the power of beliefs was supplied by the fantastic psychologist Abraham Maslow. A patient refused to eat because he believed that he was a corpse. In exasperation, the psychiatrist GSA verified list finally requested him if corpses bled. The affected person said that he did not believe so. If you're a chiropractor like me then you know that chiropractic internet marketing can be a real problem. You have to take care of all of your patients, and then by some means find time to learn all the steps of the on-line sport. There's so much to discover that the vast majority of chiropractors just throw up their hands and quit. I wrote this post to assist bring some sanity to the insanity. The information here can help you take your web site to the top of Google's list, and that indicates more potential individuals will be in a position to find you. Consider time to function on every component of this list and I assure that you will see amazing achievement. GSA Search Engine Ranker link list Of course, you don't want clients to know that you use drop shippers, or find out your source. Therefore the fall shipper must use your name and address on package labels as nicely as invoices. With the use of Google itself, webmasters can find great link companions with out performing discussion board postings and registering in link trade websites. Each of the two methods can be utilized or any of the two. Keep in mind that too much of something is not good. So, discover link companions and do link trade lawfully. If moral and natural Search engine optimization methods will be used, it will be easier to improve search engine ranking. Second, what's next once the article is created? You make certain that you have created it correctly GSA verified list (operate spell check, checked your grammar) - following all you are a professional aren't you? - and then you post it to one or much more posts directories. 48. Technorati tag pages rank well in Yahoo! and MSN, and to a lesser extent in Google. Even if your blog is fairly new you can have your posts highlighted on the Technorati tag webpages by tagging your posts with relevant tags. I love signing on and checking out my auctions, it's fun! 1 factor though, don't get discouraged if it is the next to the last day and you haven't gotten any bids. eBay lists auctions pulled up by their search engine by these who are near to ending initial, so I have experienced numerous an auction who didn't have 1 bid for all seven days and then had two or three people in a bidding war more than the item. It is amazing when several individuals like what you are selling simply because you can truly make out. The GSA verified list content ought to always be for general patronage. Do not take the opportunity of being banned from the site by posting grownup material. There is a different venue for this. A video clip that is academic and educational is very best. The web has brought on us to live in an age where any and all of the info you could at any time wish for is at your fingertips at all times. This is 1 of the grandest features that the globe wide web has contributed to the daily lifestyle of the individual. This is also helpful when you work in a field that is continuously becoming updated and bombarded with new info.

[shaynewan9081]

Getting Individuals To Buy From Your Affiliate Link Rather Of Other People

Most article directories only allow you to place your web site link in the signature box at the bottom of the post. But if your readers are intrigued in what you experienced to say, they will click the link to your web site for much more info. And there, of program, they will GSA verified list discover the opt in box and the provide in trade for their email address. That's how it works. A great tool in a active person's life is the checklist. As David Allen rightly states: "Get it out of your head." I believe his analogy of visual RAM is an superb one, particularly as I upgraded the RAM in my MacBook by a Gb and now it is running a great deal smoother, thank you. Send an choose-in e-mail to everyone in your address guide inquiring them to signal up for your publication. Make sure your don't just include everybody in your contacts GSA verified list in your publication list, inquire their permission first. The company's bodily GSA verified list deal with should be obviously displayed (verify the "contact us" or comparable web page) on their website. If it's a PO Box, tread cautiously. If no deal with, operate! URL Ranker offers immediate, on-line reports of web site rankings in seventeen top search engines, including Google, Yahoo, AOL Lookup, MSN, AllTheWeb and AltaVista, again for totally free. It will inform you if your site is GSA verified list in every engine, and inform you the rating if it is. These tools on your own offer an superb way of checking your websites rankings. As soon as you know exactly where you stand, you can continue with your Search engine optimization strategy, and transfer on to other aspects of marketing too. Yahoo answers could address link developing concerns of web marketers. The way it does so is simple. "Yahoo answers" is a weblog exactly where anyone could ask a question. Anybody who could post an answer gets the bonus of a link to his website. So, normally the query on link developing is answered. This is why it is said that "Yahoo solutions" is able to solution link developing concerns. Other advantages are: no leftovers, you can gsa ser verified Site list change or add goods effortlessly and instantly, and no restrictions as to what you can promote. Furthermore, you get to use your clients' cash to operate your company and "carry" brand-name goods and appear large. Is this awesome or what? Holding a contest is another way you can create link bait. GSA verified list Individuals adore to get things and if you are offering a nice prize guests will be happy to link from their websites to yours. In the post, I will share ten hot Places on your blog that you can utilize to boost your list building attempts. Be aware: This is NOT an exhaustive post on How to Build an Email List. This is a post on using genuine estate on your personal blog to build your list. Buying a 2nd hand car can be an affordable deal if you know where to get it from. Get in touch with car dealers on-line or use inexpensive vehicles for sale consumer guides to get fair idea of which model will satisfy your objective and if it will be really worth in the long term. Hunt on-line to get second hand car that not just gives you much more ease and comfort mentally and economically but is apposite for your objective. List building is probably the most popular and ultimately lucrative type of web marketing. There is a very previous stating 'the cash is in the list' which many complete-time IM businesses have been based on. Finally, signal up at blogger.com for a totally free blogger account. There are a lot of free blog websites you can choose from, but for simplicity and user-friendliness, I would suggest GSA verified list blogger.com for a newbie. There are dozens of various social networking websites, but my suggestion would be to adhere with the few I have listed over. Established up a complete profile on each site, and then have a employees member publish some thing on every website once a 7 days. Find a great piece of chiropractic information that you want to share and create a couple of sentences about it. There's not much to it, but it begins to build up your presence. You should also tell you individuals to connect to you on each of the websites. It can be a great way to speak to them each week, and can replace things like newsletters. Use social media advertising for the issues you can, but remember that it's an essential piece of a bigger construction that you require to build. Are you a home user or small company looking for a backup answer? Do you carry a laptop with you everywhere you go? Is the information that you carry important to you? You ought to consider a backup answer that matches your needs. I want to consider you via a short list of items that you may want to appear for in a backup solution. Your needs might differ and I just want to inform you of what attributes are out there. The point of this rather long winded tale is that it is essential to verify that your marketing email messages are being despatched properly and that essential items, such as the Unsubscribe gsa ser verified Site list, are clearly marked.