#goatmanetc

[irl-dogboy]

hm. im in a mood now

[irl-dogboy]

ok so idk if this really counts as a vent post? its my relationship and history with tucute/trumed discourse and it has a lot of my feelings in it and could be seen as a vent, but not really?? make ur own judgement i guess lol!

ok so like i said this is about tucute/trumed discourse so if that’s not your thing, feel free to move along!

obviously it’s a very trans-centric debate, so i hate to be the barer of bad news, but cis ppl.... it ain’t ur battle. in the nicest way possible, shush. be quiet lol. obviously you’re allowed to have opinions, everybody is entitled to that, but when you actively start participating in this discourse, i will ignore you. not your fight. never will be.

so, personally, i have been on both sides of this whole mess. early 2019 i was a complete “truscum”, followed flop accounts, anti-nb, you need dysphoria to be trans, whatever. i’m not gonna go into detail, but looking back i’m genuinely ashamed of the way i acted back then. i’m currently on the less-extreme side of tucute- i dont really understand and therefore dont reeeally support mogai, i dont think dysphoria is necessary, i frickin adore nb people with my whole heart, im actively trying to get used to using neopronouns, etc etc etc. and something i realised recently really made me look at my history with this debate and these communities.

i am so much happier now than i was compared to last year. the trumed community is so full of hatred and judgement, and there are so many rules and requirements in order to be seen as a “real” trans person. thinking that anyone that doesn’t fit this cookie cutter model of hating their body, being ashamed of being trans, being ashamed of their identity, is a “faker” or somebody “going for attention” and therefore doesn’t deserve support. it’s a absolutely horrid and disgusting ideology to spread, and it has genuinely messed up my perception of myself and my body and gender identity.

to this day, i’m still trying to get trumed ideas out of my thinking pattern, because they mixed so easily and so well with my own insecurities and issues. ill see a picture of a transmasc person wearing a dress and be like “i would literally die for you” but the moment that i wear something that isn’t jeans and a hoodie this dumbass brain goes trumed mode on me and tells me that im faking it. that my identity is a joke. an ideaology that mixes so well with common insecurities, common issues, schemas, whatever should not be so fucking widespread. i am willing to bet a million dollars that i am not even close to the only trans person who has in this specific scenario. it’s dangerous.

trumeds are always talking about how “cis people will never understand ___” when talking about nonbinary genders and neopronouns and anything even slightly different from the norm, but they’re either ignorant to the fact or choose to ignore the fact that if we listened to cishet people, we wouldn’t be where we are today. the lgbtq community has never been about what cishet people want, and it never will be. it’s not a club, you don’t get to pick and choose who you want in it. (only exception to that rule is pedos, die mad about it!)

lgbtq spaces are places that you’re free to feel safe no matter how you want to express yourself, or gender, your sexuality. this new group of kids that want to split this community apart is really scary to me and many other people. and it’s exactly what transphobes and homophobes want.

this is a big mess of words and thoughts and feelings but its all very real. sorry if this makes no sense, but this was quite helpful for expressing my feelings and sorting out my opinions haha

And

[irl-dogboy]

ok gonna. vent and stuff under the cut. im very sorry ive been doing these vent posts so often recently i have just not been having a good time u_u lmk if u read through and need anything tagged. i might make a whole new tag for ppl to block bc ngl i dont think anybody wants to read these lol

iiiiiiiiiiiiiii grew up too fast and i wish that the adults in my life were responsible!!!! yup thats what today’s problem is!!!!!!

i hate that i have to play parent to my parents and aunts and uncles when they get drunk. and ill admit that they dont get drunk often!!! but. when they do its so annoying. and i feel like a dick for saying that (which is a whole other problem) but i can hear uncle harassing my fucking dog right now, shes trying to sleep bcause today has been really stressful for her. but shes being woken up by his annoying aggressive dog and his yelling and annoying shit. and i want to go get my dog and bring her in and make sure shes ok but i cant because im literally terrified of him.

but like i know that my parents have been irresponsible fucks since the very fucking beginning!!!!! i was watching family guy at age 4!!!!!! i was allowed to do whatever the fuck i wanted online when i was like 8!!!!!!!! EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!!!! I MADE A DEVIANTART ACCOUNT IN 2012!!!!! I WAS FUCKING EIGHT OR NINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEY DIDNT CARE!!!!!!!!! i dont do it anymore but i used to do nsfw roleplays when i was 11 fucking years old!!!!! i found pony porn when i was 10!!!!!! they did not fucking care!!! not once did they check, or ask me about what i was doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they dont know to this day!!!!! and i dont know if i can call that any kind of traumatic but its certainly given me a shit ton of problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive been being the bigger person, the responsible one, since i was 11 years old. im so fucking sick of it. its not like hurried child syndrome, but. i just. hello????? and ive been brainwashed or something to feel bad for thinking that theyre assholes!!! its never their fault, its always “you know we’re shit parents” LIKE SELF AWARENESS FIXES ANYTHING!!!!! good job buddy you acknowledged something ive known for 5 or 6 years. gonna do anything to change? no? rad!!! and its like??? i cant even complain to them because theyve done good things too!!! i have a nintendo switch. i have a 3ds. i have a laptop, and a tablet, and a little portable speaker, so theyve made me think that im spoiled for wanting an ounce of responsibility!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

and the thing that gets me the most, more than anything that theyve ever done to me, is my parents have been putting off taking my dog to the vet. which is fucking insane. because she has a giant fucking tumor and its getting worse and shes acting different and shes old and i want her to live as long and as happily as possible but she cant even curl up into a lil donut to sleep because of the tumor she has. and it just makes me so fucking MAD because ive been begging them to take her to the vet for months in case its something bad and we dont wanna be too late to save her they just keep!!!! putting it off!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its like? am i the only one that fucking cares about her???? im the only one that feeds her and fills up her water and checks on her when shes stressed and i want her to be okay because shes basically the only thing im fucking living for and i want her to be ok. so. fucking. badly

and like. obviously this is some real intense wishful thinking but i wish that like a teacher or a distant relative would appear and just. take me away. idk. i just wish my parents werent my parents and my family wasnt my family LOL

[irl-dogboy]

need to vent vs fear of annoying ppl >:,^((

[irl-dogboy]

played life on hard mode today 0/10

[irl-dogboy]

my mum: *stops taking her medication* *starts having literal daily breakdowns where she screams and cries at my sister and i* *calls me “the laziest fuckwad shes ever met” for not being up 2 hours before i usually am* *tells my 13 year old sister her and i “ruined her entire life”* *uses my things and blames me when they dont work* *takes my school laptop away from me (stopping me from completing my 3 assignments) to do her own work despite having a laptop of her own* *misgenders me* *misgenders me* *deadnames me* *calls my sister fat* *calls my sister lazy* *threatens to leave* *threatens to kill herself* *plays a part in my trauma and feeds into my mental disorders* *pretends she doesnt play a part in my trauma and feeds into my mental disorders* *makes me feel bad for needing therapy*

my mum also: why do you guys not like me??? this is so unfair you guys treat me like shit *does it all again*

[irl-dogboy]

im gonna riot my parents came out to my distant family for me i guess?

[irl-dogboy]

can my anxiety like straight up go away already gOD

someone: says something nice about me me: instinctual response is guilt. quickly says first thing that comes to mind, not the normal response someone would give me, 1 (one) second later: wrong thing wrong thing they hate me oh god oh fuck why am i like this me: tries to change the subject the subject: doesnt change my brain: yr the worst why do u do anything ever ur going to die alone this is why u dont have friends but also all these other reasons that im bringing up now (starts crying)

[irl-dogboy]

truly amazing how i dont even have to get home to realise how shitty my life is compared to all of my friends. wonderful

[irl-dogboy]

my school year is looking worse by the minute whyyyyyy

i didnt get into one of the subjects i wanted to, i wanna change another one of my subjects but i cant find the courage to do it, most of my teachers this year hate me, the rules around phones and listening to music have changed which means im gonna be a lot more irritable and anxious all the time, i have transphobes in all but one of my classes, im pretty sure my friends hate me and my favorite teacher is leaving :( i do bad enough in easier and less important years of school but of course my first year doing vce everthing goes to shit x(

[irl-dogboy]

dont rb

im going to be ranting and venting under the cut, because i am exhausted, and i dont know, and i should probably make a venting blog or something, but i wont because im the worst tm. uhh tw for like. the usual, self loathing dysphoria mental health bullshit whats new lol. mention of suicide. uhh general emo-ness LOL

ok so like u know when u have those shitty motivational speeches and stuff at school and they always talk about a bucket of problems??? and different things have different amounts in the bucket based on how much you focus on them?? yeah ok so in my bucket.......... its all mixed together and also its overflowing. i am. the worst. and  i have absolutely no reason 2 be alive but like.... im too much of a pussy to kill myself. my exams start next week and i havent done a single bit of studying because i have been worrying about literally every aspect of my life. fucking dysphoria is killing me right now, not helped by the fact that i have to care for my transphobic grandmother 24 fucking 7 for the past two weeks. like i dont mind doing it because she needs it but i havent had a MINUTE to myself because i guess im her personal fucking slave now. my family has been evacuated from their homes because of the fucking bushfires and fucking scott fucking morrison and his fucking selfish scummy attitude and im so FUCKING tired. my friends have been acting like pricks to me since they stole and read my fucking psychology info, because “oh wow look at deadname so messed up and sad oh nooo!!! baby u know we’re here right??” like shut the fuck up. you dont care about me. nobody fucking does. and i know that they do but my dumbass fucking piece of trash brain has it implanted that im a worthless unlovable disgusting fucking fuck and i HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate it so fucking much. i havent cried in weeks and i dont know if i fucking can anymore. i keep tearing up then nothing happens and its so fucking scary to me because i used to be able to cry at the drop of a fucking hat but now i cant anymore and i dont know why. theres nothing here for me. like there isnt lol. our planet is a piece of garbage thanks to the selfish fucks in charge. everybody i know hates me. im not good at anything. i cant put any effort into anything because. i dont know i just fucking cant. my body is disgusting in so many fucking ways. my brain is fucked and i want it to be fucking normal again. sounds childish but i feel like seeing how fucked up sword and shield is was like... the last straw. ive always been able to use pokemon as an escape but ive played every game i own a million times and its getting boring and... i dont know finding out that the opportunity for a new adventure is going to be shit is like... it cements the idea that nothing is fucking sacred anymore. nothing matters. it feels like im fucking hollow. i hate it. i used to think it would be good bc then i wouldnt feel sad or scared or angry but i just. feel empty. its scary

not to be flatsound on main but it scares me how often i think about going for a walk and never coming home :^))) and like also id dream about a time where everything was fine and every single passing day didnt feel like a waste of time i saw so many things today but i didnt feel alive ive died ive died ive died :^))) :^)))))

[irl-dogboy]

that epic gamer moment when u listen to a song for the and relate to some of lyrics so much u FREEZE and have to stop what ur doing for a couple minutes. very cool

[irl-dogboy]

i have no friends to talk to so im gonna rant under the cut ignore this lmao

i dont feel comfortable anywhere. 

like.. i don’t have a bed i like to sleep in. it doesn’t have sheets on it. it’s an awful mattress, it sinks down to the point where i wake up and can’t move bc my back is fucked. i don’t have a dovet, i sleep under blankets fit for a sofa. i don’t have a space to call my own. my room looks like a storage room, because that’s what it is. i have speakers that i can’t use, i have an extra desk that my parents couldn’t afford to throw away. my cupboard is full of things that aren’t mine. i own my school uniform and like 3 outfits. i own one fucking pair of pants and they don’t! even fit me! i dont like asking for money for things like clothes and decor because the answer is always “we dont have enough money for luxuries! dont be selfish!” and i dont get it because both of my fucking parents have ipads and the newest fucking iphones. despite being the right age to get a job im not allowed to get one, im not allowed to open a paypal so i can maybe get a commission every so often. i dont even know why. they dont fucking tell me.

and like,, i dont have anywhere or anybody to talk to about this shit! school friends would never fucking understand because theyre all a bunch of rich kids who think of me as a joke. im a dumbass who isolates himself from his online friends so i cant just be like “lol we havent talked since i disappeared when i found out im going deaf help my life sucks” because who fucking DOES that? not me! my parents are procrastinating getting me a fucking psychologist for GOD KNOWS WHAT fucking reason, maybe they really do just think this is a phase. they refuse to talk about anything related to my transgenderism until it pushes their fucking political agenda or makes them LOOK GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mum, at home, behind closed doors: hey deadname

also my mum, arguing with people online: as a supportive parent of a transgender child blahblahblah

also my mum, to my school: yeah haha we’re getting there HE’s such a good BOY isnt that right NATE this has been hard on all of us but especially ME

i regret coming out so fucking much. if i could go back in time and tell myself anything it wouldnt be “do ur schoolwork” or “dont die” it would be “dont come out because every fucking aspect of your life is going to be so much fucking harder” and i get it! some of it is me being a lazy cunt! yea! but its also everybody else being a lazy cunt! my entire family? deadnaming for days! my parents? “we know you need therapy we’ll call them later” and then what do they do??? yeah not call them later. since i came out my previous psychologist DROPPED me and i get it but i NEVER talked about that shit and i wouldn’t talk about that shit bc i know shes not qualified to deal with that!! and i get it but fuck its so annoying and im weak and im a fucking asshole and i dont want to exist!!

i just dont get why my parents had me. like. my dads an alcoholic and a fucking coke addict, and yeah, he works 70 hours a week and supplies everything for our family, but hes also a fuckign criminal whos had me ASSAULTED before and thats a whole other fucking thing! and he’s trying to turn my sister and i against my mum and i DEFINITELY see why because she literally does nothing but smoke weed and do coke herself but fuck i am so tired of hearing about their shit all the fucking time! call me selfish, i would agree, but they blame me and my sister for all of their problems, and whenever me or my sister call them out on their shit they immediately go for the “we’re your PARENTS” or “im mentally ill and im an addict you know this” like yeah i do but i also know that YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO HELP YOURSELF DESPITE HAVING TWO KIDS THAT FUCKING DESPISE YOU

i just want a normal fucking family man. a normal life, really!! i want a dad that has some dumb manly hobby like woodwork or fishing and i wanna do lame things with him. i want a mum that i get along with. a sister that i fight with sometimes but its ok because im still there for her! protective big brother style! and i want them to be there for me and i want to feel safe in my own fucking house. i want a bed that i can sleep comfortably in. i dont wanna be who i am. i wanna be normal. i dont wanna have to deal with dysphoria and wanting to die every time i look in the mirror or shower or speak or do anything. friends that i feel like i could talk to. i would die just to be a cis girl or better a cis boy and just live my life without worrying about all of that shit. i want my depression to go away or take a fucking break or something. i hate it so much.

god this is long im so sorry for anybody who made the mistake of choosign to read this

[irl-dogboy]

tonights mood

[irl-dogboy]

DONT RB

me (is depressed) well time to make funny epic memes

[irl-dogboy]

hhhey yall so i figured that i should probably stop regularly talking about my issues on main and mixing them with my shitposting tag so i ended up making a blog specifically for venting-

its @goatmanetc so if youd like to keep up with that feel free to follow, but if you dont i completely understand and dont feel obligated to or anything. just figured id let y’all know cuz why not.