#god i have to get a new job i can almost apply elsewhere bc my bonus hits friday

[yakisabajanai]

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[zeena-athena]

Work nonsense - feel free to skip if you don't want to hear me whine.

I can't figure out if work is better or worse when my coworkers are actively being clique-y and excluding me. Like, yay I'm not being antagonized for the majority of my shift and I'm not having a meltdown/breakdown midshift or at the end of my workday. *sarcastic jazzhands*

But I'm just getting treated passive aggressively or just outright ignored/barely acknowledged and I'm somehow almost just as drained?

Like I can hear them laughing and talking as a group and I'm just working alone and it's honestly really tiring because there's people in that group I used to be friendly with, but because they're actual friends now with the person who was bullying me and whose now being passive aggressive to me on a near daily basis, now I'm suddenly contaminated and they barely interact with me. It's exhausting.

And I told my boss that this shit was going to happen if the girl that was bullying me (and other people before me) got promoted, that I was concerned, and they went ahead and promoted her anyway, so I have no where or anyone to turn to to address this. I should have realized that when my boss turned me telling her 'hey, she's starting to act passive aggressive to me and the last time she behaved like this it turned into actual aggression and antagonistic behavior' into "well you just dont stick up for yourself. YOU need to solve your issues yourself and confront her yourself."

God I'm burned out to hell and back and I'm clinging to the hope of my business taking off because submitting applications and cold applying elsewhere right now is a fucking joke.

I miss my friends being at work. They've moved on to better places and wonderful new jobs, and I'm proud of them. But now I'm alone with people who don't give a shit and will happily turn on you for someone else's approval and I'm just really... tired. I think that's the right word.

It also just reminds me of all the times my undiagnosed adhd and autistic quirks burned other people and drove them away from me bc i was suddenly too much; so I'm just sitting here like "do I really have a time limit with people? When will I eventually hit too much for you? What thing will finally push me from okay to unacceptable in your eyes?" And that fucks me up inside. Especially given that I've had longer friendships and relationships, so when my brain gets to this point all I can think regarding those people is just- 'when will I finally be too much for you? When will you look at me and say that this is too much for you? That I'm too much for you?' Maybe I'm just meant to drift? Only a passerby, never someone whose kept around for years and years. Maybe it's not a bad thing that I lose contact with people because my adhd means my friendship degradation doesn't exist so I just forget to actively contact people. At least I don't have to see when I started going from a friend to a nusance in their eyes.

[bewareofthorns]

jeepers! meet rowan ‘ro’ sharpe, tenant of room 3b, college student tentatively majoring in history and wholesome all-american boy learning to stand on his own.  this is legiterally the worst ™ intro, but it is also everything i applied with! 

·      ☆ ⤻ logan shroyer. meet ro sharpe. he is/are a 20 year old history student, who’s been residing in apartment #3b for a year. usually , you can catch him on the subway listening to a whiter shade of pale  by procol harum and their roommates insist that he reminds them of rumpled sheets, sunlight streaming through a half-opened window and tangled earbuds. the libra has been described as candid & guarded but since he’s known as the all-american, i guess we’ll just have to wait and see .

a brief intro

think basic white boy. now more basic. even more basic. if ur at fuccboi, ur going in the wrong direction. 

he is absolutely the kid in high school that you wanted to hate, but that you couldn’t. his parents raised him right and that frustrates others around him to no end.

he’s as american as apple pie and just as sweet. if you met him in his native environment, he’d probably be somewhere in between a state fair and a football game. picture like any movie where the underdog leads his team to state. that was him in senior year.

he had a mom and stepdad and two little siblings that he left behind in ohio. (and sometimes, though he hates to admit it because it sounds like something a coward would say, he wishes he had never really left them.)

the world is bigger than he thought it was. and there’s times when he’s in the apartment and people are walking by that he can’t help but be a little afraid.

on social media, if you scroll back in time, before the apartment, all his posts before got is pictures of these two little kids and like football cleats and like terrible shaky videos of performances he did with the awful band that he made with his friends. he never thought he was going to go to new york city for college. he never thought- that this would be his life.

the drama that goes on, the messiness of the rest of the people who live in the apartment—as much as he never expected it to be, this is a vibrance that sucks him in, that has a hold on him that he can’t really explain. there’s a joy to it, of course, an intenseness that he can’t deny. 

just a fish out of water here in the city. part of him wants to go back to when he just had one girlfriend for like four years and they were going to go to college together and get married and he was going to be an actuary or a tax auditor or something. part of him still believes that he will– 

but he also knows. he loves this life. he’ll never be able to go back. 

I”M LITERALLY CRYING I LVE HTIS BEAUTIFUL WHITE BOY. HE LIVES SUCH A GOOD & WHOLESOME LIFE. I BET HIS MOM WENT ON HIS FIRST DATE WITH HIM WHEN HE WAS 14 AND, WHEN HE WAS 7. HE WALKED AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND GAVE EVERYONE THEIR MAIL FROM THEIR MAILBOXES EVENTHO THAT’S A FELONY. HE JUST WAS A GOOD WHOLESOME KID.

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More

1.       His mom and his bio dad never got married and, while his dad did his best to be around while he was really young, his job eventually took him away to nyc and both of them agreed it would be best if he didn’t look back.

2.       though he remembers missing his biological father terribly at first, he was young enough that it hardly mattered. within the next few years, his mother got married, ro was adopted by his stepfather, and he would get two new half-siblings. 

a.       by the end of the first year of the marriage, ro had already taken to calling his stepfather ‘dad’. after all, it was his stepfather who took him out to backyard and taught him to play catch. it was his stepfather who helped him with his math homework and bought him christmas gifts. it was his stepfather who was there. and to ro, that was all that mattered. 

3.       he never once thought his childhood was missing anything. he took bass guitar and swimming lessons; he played on the local baseball team and, then, after deciding it wasn’t for him, joined the football team. he had a good group of friends and even did fairly well in school.  

4.       it wasn’t until he got into high school that things started to fray at the edges. after pulling a prank at school and getting into trouble, his stepfather sat him down and asked if he were acting out bc he missed his real father. he hadn’t been– at least, he hadn’t thought he was, but, when the gate was opened, he admitted that he wanted to at least meet the man who he had so few memories of. 

5.       so he did. and it went okay. There were no hard feelings. They agreed to keep meeting up.

6.       ro was lucky, though. as he was forced to navigate through this complicated relationship with his father, he was able to escape the perils that usually plague teens in  high school. 

a.       he was smart enough to talk with the academically-inclined and creative enough to hang around the arts kids, but his true saving grace was his position on the football team. he was good at it— enough that by his junior year, he had gotten an offer to join the reserve team for his dream school. it was a good scholarship and it also allowed him to pursue the degree that he was interested in (econ and math). 

7.       but despite accepting the offer almost immediately— he never ended up actually enrolling. Because he had also secretly applied to a nyc college to spend more time with his bio dad who lived in the region. And when he got accepted, he just knew-

a.       i don’t think he understood what he was getting into. the college he is going to has technically a better reputation than the state school he had originally wanted, but he just wanted– to know his dad better. to have a real relationship with his dad before it was too late.

b.       it weighs heavy on his mind that he threw away the larger college scholarship, the chance to be with his friends, the football offer — all just to spend some time in nyc for the more frequent opportunity to he feels guilty, as if him just being here is some kind of betrayal to the family that raised him. 

8.       lastly, ro absolutely calls his mom and stepfather every week, but still finds himself struggling to hold a conversation with his father. They don’t meet up as often as he thought they would. School takes up too much time for him. And his father is always working. And though his father is the one paying for his rent and also a chunk of his tuition, he still longs for a better connection.

9.       he’s really just a small town boy from ohio and here, where it seems like everyone parties and engages in a rock star lifestyle, he’s incredibly out of his depth. he’s sweet and he’s young and he’s responsible. he’s not here to spiral out of control or be number one  he’s just here to learn what it means to be a student. And also… if he can, someone’s son. 

fun facts

       he skateboards. everywhere.

       he doesn’t drink coffee.

       he stopped drinking soda when he turned 17 for a dare and never picked it up again.

       he knows how to knit.

       he’s a hardcore romantic. his mom took two tries to get it right, but she got it right.

        Did he have a high school gf that lasted for almost the full four years? You betcha. Did they break up because he went to NYC? You got it. Is he heartbroken over it and trying to fill the void? Done and done.

       In the apartment, he’s definitely trying to be the voice of reason. That’s not to say he can’t get down with the best of them, but he’s also always trying to get things under control.

        Since he’s 20, that also means—he’s not very good at standing his ground.

WANTED CONNECTIONS are fckn everything. 

exes, crushes, fwb, mentors, enemies (petty or deep-rooted... but i dare u to hate him). my literal fave r weird shared communal space plots. 

someone who will buy him contraband since he’s underage !! he swears he’s responsible

someone who he gives life advice to (in all of his iDiot 20 yo boy brain glory)

someone who gives HIM life advice to counsel him through being an idiot 20 yo boy 

someone who he caught doing something outlawed in the building

smoking? parking your bike in behind the potted plants? look we all know ur growing something behind the succulents but i don’t want to know okay. 

I was sticking my head out the window and you were draining water onto the pavement. Dude I see you. My god. We all have sinks. 

our mail keeps getting switched up ?? look ??? idk ???

We do our laundry at the same time every week and there’s just NOT ENOUGH MACHINES and its super weird bc like. we  never talk elsewhere about it. but every week we show up with full baskets at the SAME TIME

I know you keep ur door unlocked and so like. we’re friends. you won’t mind if I just pop in to use ur dish soap. i like ran out. 

KEEP UR NOISE LEVEL DOWN U HEATHEN. IM STUDYING. are u singing? is that a cat’s yowl? are u… Look IF YOU DON’T i’ll put a hole thru ur door.

[kuriboo]

When I was little I didn’t know what to do with my life. I think at one point I might’ve wanted to be a princess or a mermaid or something (ironically, I can’t swim. I know strokes and such, I can do those, but I have no trust in the water to hold me up towards the surface), when I was very little, but from the moment I knew I would have to get a real career someday, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had a lot of vague ideas but they either felt unrealistic or I didn’t think I was capable.

Jobs based around helping people were to me very noble. My mom’s always had jobs based on helping people since I was born, and before that, too. But of jobs obvious to a kid at the time, I’m afraid of needles and don’t do well with seeing blood and have unsteady hands, so a doctor or nurse was out. I wasn’t great with most kids and didn’t know how to engage people or make people listen to me, so a teacher was out.

I grew up with most people in my social circle being in the church. I was told to follow god’s plan, that god has a plan for everyone and if you follow it good things will come to you. So what I wanted to do when I grew up was a vague whatever god’s plan is thing, and I assumed one day I would wake up and just know what he wanted me to do. I used to lie awake in bed and ask god what his plan was for me, what i was supposed to do, but they never answered. They answered a lot of other things for me, but not that. I felt panicked in high school when I was supposed to be planning what I wanted to do in college because I still didn’t know. At some point I figured, well god blessed me with a gift for music, supposedly, i was deep into music for ten years, so maybe i should go for music. I think I had planned to go to school for audio engineering, at a college a couple of hours away. It was scary, it was exciting, walking around the campus felt right to me but I was terrified to be so far away, and to be alone.

I also felt like I wasn’t supposed to go to college immediately after graduating. I felt tired, i felt burnt out, and it just didn’t feel right. I even asked my parents about it and they encouraged me to go right away, that it’s easier to get through college without taking a break. In hidnsight, if that was god’s plan, which, it happened so probably, it was probably my best glimpse at that plan i’ve ever had

And then it turned out i was right. And it turned out i didn’t get a choice. And it turned out any ideas of getting a career in the music field were basically dissolved. I wasn’t really devastated that much. I didn’t know what to do but that wasn’t new. I worked hard in school and never slowed down until then. All the sudden I had too much time to think about what i wanted to do, what i should do, what i was supposed to do, but thinking was hard and i never figured it out. When i did later go to college, i stayed much closer to hope in the aftermath of being so sick and i went to the college that offered the highest scholarship while wondering how i’d gotten enough energy to apply to any colleges at all. I somehow managed to keep that scholarship. I wanted to make sure i could get a job right after graduating so i picked a field i knew that was possible in from first hand accounts. I was worried about all my decisions in that time just looking like i was copying the people around me. But i was interested in the field i picked, i picked it up quickly despite having no prior experience, and my interest only grew the longer i was learning. So it felt right. Maybe this was the thing

But uh, i obviously didn’t have a job lined up immediately after graduating like i’d thought, and struggled to find one for a long time while my own health declined again. My mental health this time instead of my physical health. I sobbed uncontrollably after my graduation ceremony until i was too tired to cry anymore. People figured i’d probably had a ton of work in the weeks leading up to it and that i was exhausted. I was exhausted, but i hadn’t had much work, my last semester was actually fairly easy compared to previous ones. When people learned that they were incredulous, most didn’t get what i was crying for. I had been working hard, but schoolwork wasn’t my issue, i was just...constantly fatigued. My effort was mostly in keeping myself going in general. I was stressed about not having a job lined up yet, i was stressed about school being over and having to go home, being awake was exhausting. A lot of people didn’t understand that. They didn’t want to.

Stuff’s just kinda weird. I dunno. As ive struggled with finding a job, its been kinda weird in that somehow it was clear that i just wasnt supposed to be working yet, that i was needed elsewhere. I was needed in other ways. Which didn’t make the experience any less stressful, but... finding an entry level career has been almost impossible the past year or two. They just became harder and harder to find every day. And at the same time i’ve had to try to learn how to take care of myself, because what i’d done up to that point just wasn’t working anymore. That’s gotten easier. I’ve been kinda shoved in directions that have been unexpected and as i’ve tried to approach the endpoint, nothing’s really happened in the timing i’d like. People i’ve known my whole life have said things happen in god’s timing and not ours. Maybe that’s true. Maybe i just haven’t been ready to join the workforce in the last year or so. People have talked to me like i’m lazy, people have refused to see i’ve tried as hard as i can and my best just isn’t their best, or don’t want to accept that it’s not a bad thing.

The whole following gods plan thing ive heard my whole life sort of led me in the wrong direction. I always figured god would figure my life out for me, i guessed. But i dunno. That’s obviously wrong, life doesn’t work out that way. I’ve happened to be in right places at the right times without being on the fast-paced path everyone thinks is required, that i’m apparently lazy for not being able to handle that pace in the aftermath of being really sick. I’ve been at the right places at the right time to be able to help people that needed it, that needed me. I’m grateful for that. But i think it’s less of god having planned out your whole life and if you stray from it you’ve fucked up, i think it’s more about being able to good wherever you end up. Sometimes it’s just in little ways, and sometimes it feels like it’s barely anything to you when it’s everything to other people. And somehow i’ve been able to do that, i guess, and somehow i’ve found this path where i’ll be able to help people more even if it’s nowhere near i thought i’d ever end up. Helping people is important, if we’re not here to be kind to each other than what are we here for, but a lot of the time it’s also really hard. And helping people isn’t just about ending up in a job where you directly help people some way or another. And i’m trying not to sound all holier than thou about it.

I just feel like this “god has a plan” mindset i grew up surrounded by kind of fucked up my line of thinking when it comes to life choices, but somewhere in there i turned it around

The church also kind of pushed this isolationist way of living where it was heavily encouraged not to associate with non-christians unless it was to convert them and i’ve come to the now obiois to me conclusion that sometimes the church’s opinions are bullshit. The same church was one of the ones “questioning the governor’s faith” when services were forcibly shut down and reopening them was pushed back, and now after they had a few weeks of being open with masks and distancing required, apparently now distancing is bullshit and they refuse to do it. My mom’s stopped going for the time being. There’s many things I don’t agree with them on anymore after i escaped the mindset i was kinda thrown into when i was young that the church is always right about everything. I’ve said some stupid shit before I did that. I still say stupid shit. Things that seemed normal when i was young now feel more insidious to me. I wish i figured out all this out sooner but that isn’t how life works apparently

There’s been a lot of times that i’ve wanted to help people but couldn’t, or straight up didn’t bc being selfish comes very easily and i can be a shit person if i’m not careful, or i didn’t know how to and thus couldn’t. But i’m thankful that for the times where i’ve been able to help people and did. Because i can look back through everything and see places where i have done that and how that’s lead to where i am today, and i’m glad i’ve had the opportunity to be a better person? I dunno. I’ve felt reflective and mushy today. And i can see all the differences between where i am not and me ten years ago, and i’m glad i’ve learned and worked to be better. I want to be able to look back and know i’ve done some good for people and i’m glad i can do that now and for all the times in the future where i’ll be able to do that, too. People deserve kindness.