#i just feel really lonely and hurt

[zeena-athena]

Work nonsense - feel free to skip if you don't want to hear me whine.

I can't figure out if work is better or worse when my coworkers are actively being clique-y and excluding me. Like, yay I'm not being antagonized for the majority of my shift and I'm not having a meltdown/breakdown midshift or at the end of my workday. *sarcastic jazzhands*

But I'm just getting treated passive aggressively or just outright ignored/barely acknowledged and I'm somehow almost just as drained?

Like I can hear them laughing and talking as a group and I'm just working alone and it's honestly really tiring because there's people in that group I used to be friendly with, but because they're actual friends now with the person who was bullying me and whose now being passive aggressive to me on a near daily basis, now I'm suddenly contaminated and they barely interact with me. It's exhausting.

And I told my boss that this shit was going to happen if the girl that was bullying me (and other people before me) got promoted, that I was concerned, and they went ahead and promoted her anyway, so I have no where or anyone to turn to to address this. I should have realized that when my boss turned me telling her 'hey, she's starting to act passive aggressive to me and the last time she behaved like this it turned into actual aggression and antagonistic behavior' into "well you just dont stick up for yourself. YOU need to solve your issues yourself and confront her yourself."

God I'm burned out to hell and back and I'm clinging to the hope of my business taking off because submitting applications and cold applying elsewhere right now is a fucking joke.

I miss my friends being at work. They've moved on to better places and wonderful new jobs, and I'm proud of them. But now I'm alone with people who don't give a shit and will happily turn on you for someone else's approval and I'm just really... tired. I think that's the right word.

It also just reminds me of all the times my undiagnosed adhd and autistic quirks burned other people and drove them away from me bc i was suddenly too much; so I'm just sitting here like "do I really have a time limit with people? When will I eventually hit too much for you? What thing will finally push me from okay to unacceptable in your eyes?" And that fucks me up inside. Especially given that I've had longer friendships and relationships, so when my brain gets to this point all I can think regarding those people is just- 'when will I finally be too much for you? When will you look at me and say that this is too much for you? That I'm too much for you?' Maybe I'm just meant to drift? Only a passerby, never someone whose kept around for years and years. Maybe it's not a bad thing that I lose contact with people because my adhd means my friendship degradation doesn't exist so I just forget to actively contact people. At least I don't have to see when I started going from a friend to a nusance in their eyes.

[thebirdandhersong]

I think the problem. the problem is that I have always been afraid of not being invited into the inner circle. and am always wanting to be part of the inner circle. inner circle being the circle of love and companionship and communion. of course being a TCK and a bit of a sheltered homeschooled oddball child has nudged this further along over the years. but I didn't realise how STRONG that desire still burned. to actually be wanted.

[bunnihearted]

i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.

[tcfactory]

Okay smartass how would you fix Bingqiu if you had your way?

If you actually want to know you could do to be less of a rude little shit about it, anon, but all right.

This is not about 'fixing' anything. Bingqiu is a wildly popular ship and a lot of people enjoy the exact kind of delusional insanity these two have about each other and that's honestly great. Love it for them. Not my cup of tea though.

I think the easiest and fastest way to make them sort their shit out and maybe put them in a position where I might actually be interested in what's going on with them is to take the protagonist halo away. Maybe the System short circuits, maybe it just gets automatically turned off after the extras, don't know don't care.

A lot of Shen Qingqiu's self delusions are fueled by his unshakeable belief that Luo Binghe, being The Protagonist, is Perfectly Fine the way he is. Binghe is the Protagonist, so when there are no character development or obligatory angst events going on he is happy and healthy and a slightly charred good boy and Shen Qingqiu is The Happy Wife who dotes on his hubby and Everything Is Right In The World. Endless honeymoon with their responsibilities only coming to bother them every once in a while. And it makes it way too easy for Binghe to cover up that he's still hurt, still unstable and still insecure by what went down because Shen Qingqiu is willing to take him at face value when he presents his insecurities as just being shameless neediness for his husband. Of course he happily indulges Binghe! But that isn't really helping with the core of the problem now, does it?

Like, Binghe takes steps towards ensuring Shen Qingqiu's mental wellbeing even at the cost of his own as soon as Maigu Ridge is over when he takes him back to the sect. Shen Qingqiu tries too, in his own way (the entire segment in the tombs is all about him putting himself in very real danger for Binghe's sake) but at the same time, this is a guy who completely missed the writing on the wall that Bingge was deeply unhappy in PIDW. As long as he can hold onto his internal picture that The Protagonist Suffered A Lot But He Is Fine Now I don't think he can really offer the right kind of emotional support for Binghe to actually heal from what happened to him and move on to a healthier frame of mind.

If you take the protagonist halo away, then first of all Binghe can, you know, suck a little. Or a lot, actually. The world not making excuses for him and him being a little defanged would be good for him. He gets really nothing he actually wants from being the protagonist - Shen Qingqiu will love him anyway. Mobei-jun will still stick around to back him up and help him out, because he's still Shang Qinghua's favorite fictional son and Qinghua is happy to see Binghe happy, just, you know, somewhere way over there where he can't get jealous tsundere over Cucumber bro and maybe murder him about it. Sha Hualing is still going to be his buddy because he's her best source of human trivia and the writing inspiration for her girlfriend. Not having to be demon emperor and getting more time to spend with his husband would be a relief.

But he would have to be more aware of other people because he's not above them anymore. Maybe even forced to make a few new friends to get by. And his mask will fail and Shen Qingqiu will have to see him for what he is: just Luo Binghe, still hurt and still confused half demon, who loves him very much, but can't make sense of him and is afraid that he will be left behind or pushed away without explanation again and that's kinda Shen Qingqiu's own damn fault.

And Shen Qingqiu can't hold onto his delusions about The Protagonist. He can't willfully ignore that things are not fine with Binghe because he's not the Protagonist anymore and the world only allows that special privilege for the Protagonist. Binghe is just a guy now and he has so many heart demons he needs help with. His trauma from the abyss or Xin Mo can't be brushed off with 'oh that's just part of his blackening he's fine now' anymore. And it might need a little bit of adjusting to internalize that these problems have always been here just below the surface, but Shen Qingqiu genuinely loves Binghe and would want to help him become happier and more stable in any way he can.

Binghe becoming part of the world in a way that's one person among many - building a support network! maybe befriending new demons or actually getting to know and making up with the QJ disciples or finding common ground with LQG and becoming sparring buddies - rather than a protagonist in a sea of NPCs is a lot more interesting to me than whatever he has going on at the end of canon. And Shen Qingqiu can be there with him on that journey, because he already started unlearning the sense of unreality the System conditioned into him, but he still has a long way to go.

[charonte-simi]

The yearning got too strong and I managed to make myself sad again, whoops

[piplupod]

feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.

[naamahdarling]

.

[i3utterflyeffect]

Imagine when if they all finally end up warming up to virabot!dark and then immediately they learn that it's Dark.

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and just, even red is horrified this time and it's horrible, it's just horrible, they finally learned the meaning of peace and now it's just been snatched away from them. it's not FAIR. they just want to stop thinking about how angry and ashamed they are. they hate feeling like this.

they're lonely. they want chosen back. they don't even want to destroy anything anymore, they just want to be a person again

[lazybakerart]

x

[ricegay]

one of my friends has randomly decided to start being really genuinely mean to me... making weird snide remarks about my life, side eyeing and whispering to other people while i speak, acting like i'm stupid or like i made things awkward whenever i say/do anything... literally feels like in school when a popular girl would pretend to be your friend but would just be making fun of you and treating you like a weirdo and getting everyone to laugh at you

[bunnihearted]

🌸

[graciebrams]

🫧

[g0thsoojin]

🦴

[creepy-scrawl]

My gf begged me to be on FB and I went there for a week and I felt so 🤡🤡🤡🤡 bc her main argument is that she misses me so much and "that is a way to interact in our day to day" but I'm there w no one to talk to and she is not even there. It just made me feel so stupid and even sadder bc I feel so alone in my relationship.

[shokupankoart]

Fogged mind (´∀`)

[babyfairy]

i hate that i can’t even ride the high from my concert because my life is so consistently depressing and hellish lmao 🙃 it’s depressing to come back down to reality after such a good day. like it really makes me realize how joyless my life has become. everything just blurs together