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captain-crowfish · 23 days

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And here's a rant about how the Mormon church perceives people with autism (this can include other forms of neurodivergency)

In heaven, regardless of which level of heaven you end up in, your body is now perfect. Any "imperfections" (I.E. maybe your ears are slightly asymmetrical, or you have a floating rib, or a permanent scar from an injury) are now erased. This also includes people who are physically disabled or transgender.

Now, that in of itself is kind of gross, even if the Mormons think their intentions are good; you're perfect before you go to Earth and after physical death you return to heaven all the same. Never mind if somebody altered their body enough to feel more comfortable in it or learned to love themselves in spite of their disability, that's all gone now.

And regarding the main reason why I'm typing this in the first place: what about people who are born disabled or neurodivergent?

My younger brother is on the autism spectrum, and it's easy to tell even from a glance. At the moment of typing this he's in high school now, even though cognitively he is on par with a toddler. He absolutely cannot and should not be left alone unsupervised and has put his own life in danger multiple times within the past two years without being able to comprehend why.

I've been told that when we see each other in heaven after we die, he won't be Autistic at all. He'll act like any neurotypical individual.

And he'll say to our family "Thank you for treating me with kindness."

Now, before I go on any further I feel as though it is necessary for me to express that I do not reject the concept of an after-life or even a "before-life" entirely, merely I (perhaps naively) cling on to the core religous beliefs of heaven and being kind to everyone and always having some omnipotent genderless deity because I find them comforting. I have slipped into several pits of existential fear throughout my life and at the moment I don't see myself becoming a full-on atheist.

Back to the subject at hand, "Thank you for treating me with kindness." Rubs me VERY much the wrong way.

For starters, my brother (still) does not fully understand the concepts of right and wrong. That's the simplest way of putting it. I don't think he understands most forms of discipline (the only way that's seemed to work aside from yelling at him and making him sob and scream is making him write out "I will not put water in the soap dispenser" multiple times. He knows that if he does that action again, he will have to write more sentences. And he doesn't like it.

To further elaborate, he never acts maliciously (even though it's hard to tell sometimes.). He never has done anything "bad" with the intention of making anyone pissed off. And when my parents do discipline him to the point of meltdown, nearly every time it's in regards to his own safety or something that will greatly inconvenience them, literally or emotionally.

People should not be shamed for their first, gut-instinct, emotional response. If my parents do yell at him, usually they try to explain to him in a more comforting way later. Which he still gets upset by.

Do you start to see where I'm going with this? We try to be as nice to him as we possibly, humanly can even while being under constant stress from his tendency to be unpredictable, and he reacts as though, and I'm only saying this for the sake of making a comparison, like somebody smashed his electronics out of pure spite.

Secondly, Mormons believe we experience earthly life so we have the ability to make choices. The implications of that sentence alone are kind of terrifying but that's not the point I'm trying to make here. My point is, why would you choose to be born like this? When somebody's mental or physical capabilities are limited to any extent, so much that you often can't make the choices you want to make because of those setbacks, why would you voluntarily sign up just to be a morality check for other people?

Thirdly, and this co-insides with my second point, how do you think it feels when somebody who is, for lack of a better term, cognitive enough to comprehend all this is told that their existence is, according to the plan of salvation, nothing than a morality check? Another one of God's tests?

You sit in your darkened bedroom on a bleak Sunday night and realize what the church truly thinks about you for the first time. Your autism diagnosis denies you any agency of your own, and yet you're "normal enough" to still understand and experience choice, consequence and autonomy on nearly the same level that Neurotypical people have. And now you catch yourself wishing you weren't cognitive enough to realize the full extent of this horribly flawed design. You wish you were more like your brother.

I am you. You want to know what I feel when I fully realize the extent of living as nothing more than a morality check? I feel angry. I feel betrayed. I feel WORTHLESS. I feel horrified that this could be a big factor as to why my parents refuse to ever take me seriously until I've collapsed on the floor. Literally, this has happened more than once.

Fourth (yes, Oh God, there's more.) The plan of salvation also illustrates that, before we are born, we choose our families, our parents specifically. And that's another very icky implication/rhetoric that can be (and most likely has been) used to keep family members in abusive situations.

In case I haven't made it clear already, I am also on the autism spectrum. I can't list off everything that means for me all at once, but I have trouble detecting sarcasm and I am extremely bothered by loud, unexpected noises.

Now, something I think more people should understand, (especially my parents) is that disability accommodations are not a one-size-fits-all plan, nor will they ever be. I saw a great post on this website once that said something along the lines of "the same flashing lights on a fire alarm that are used to alert deaf people might give someone else an epileptic seizure." And that helped me come to learn more about the severity of a situation that has been plaguing me almost my entire life.

My brother, being Autistic, often Stims. Either as a way to express/filter excitement or as a form of self-regulation.

Very SUDDENLY and LOUDLY.

and those two adjectives together used to describe any sound are noises that I cannot fucking stand.

And as much as my parents think otherwise, I'm not TRYING to PURPOSEFULLY stop him from expressing/filtering excitement or self regulating. My first GUT REACTION is to tell him to be quiet, right after feeling an enormous amount of discomfort. I never hurt him in any way because I WANT to, but because my overstimulation is firing on all cylinders and 'telling me' that I HAVE to. It is never entirely a conscious decision for me to react in the ways that my parents disapprove of because they are "not nice."

My dad swears up and down that this is a behavior that I can unlearn. It's been 6 or so years of him telling me that and it's only made me afraid of him, too. Because he refuses to see the situation from my actual perspective.

And of course, every summer my brother is home from school, and every summer I realize more and more how on edge I really feel, and how my parents have been the real root cause of my CPTSD the whole fucking time.

So back to the subject of heaven, if my before-earthly-life heavenly self, in all my divine-ish wisdom, looked at my parents and saw in the future how much they would disregard me, why the FUCK did I choose them?

And if my brother, being his before-earthly-life heavenly self, in all his divine-ish wisdom, looked at my parents and me and saw in the future how much I would suffer and how much we would all be torn apart because of his existence, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did he choose to live with us, when my suffering is not voluntary?

So, to conclude, In terms of how much my parents are doing in terms of the walking, talking morality tests, they're flunking HARD when it comes to me. I'm not surprised that they don't even fucking realize it.

When it comes to my brother, I can only guess that he thinks he's suffering, but my parents are doing their best to accommodate his needs (and absolutely none of mine). Who determines the final score? My brother or God?

Of course, given the same logic, apparently I'm being scored on my involuntary reactions to my brother's behavior. And I'd be going to hell. We're here on Earth to make choices and I choose to suffer as little as I possibly can (which isn't fucking saying much.) And because I APPARENTLY have the choice to feel discomfort or not, therefore I'm making poor decisions and deserve damnation for the same fucking reason I was put on this Earth.

Mormons, do you want to elaborate on all this? Is there anything you could possibly say to my face besides "God and heaven work in mysterious ways." FUCK this. FUCK you and your views on autism. FUCK my parents and FUCK your Mormon Jesus with the European complexion.

My life is hell.

#rant #rant post #personal rant #mormon jesus is a fucking joke #actually autistic #cptsd vent #important #blathering #talking about my brother #autism #autism awareness #religion #cw religion #cw religious trauma #ex mormon #mormon #disability #religious discussion #bf if you're reading these tags- can we talk?

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sailforvalinor · 9 months

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So, I am back in the States!! HUZZAH, I am so happy to be home. But now I can talk a little about where I was, I’ve been living in Greece for the past three and a half months—so much happened that I don’t know how exactly to talk about it, so here’s a few of my favorite things:

THE RUINS. OH MY WORD, THE RUINS. I wanted to be an archeologist as a kid and I was living her DREAM. There are kind of just ruins everywhere, I was seeing them all the time, but of all of them I think I’d have to say that my favorite was either the ruins at Delphi or Ancient Corinth. (Y’all, I probably saw Paul’s tent shop.)

The coffee is absolutely fantastic there, you can get a good latte or cappuccino at any restaurant almost guaranteed. They also have amazing chocolate croissants, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat one in the States again. There is also the gift from heaven that is Lemon Coke, it comes in a solid yellow can and you can find it just about everywhere, restaurants stock them along with their regular Coke half the time. It is SO good and I don’t know what I’m going to do without it, and putting lemon in regular Coke is NOT the same.

Among other things, I got to take Greek Mythology, which was by far my favorite class of the semester. (Also, coincidentally, I took my final the same day that Percy Jackson premiered. Weird.) I also took Greek, which I did alright in. One of the most interesting problems I ran into with it was that my pronunciation was far better than my vocabulary, so anytime I’d greet someone in Greek (because I didn’t want to sound like a dumb American), they would usually assume I was fluent and start speaking to me in rapid-fire Greek. And then I’d have to shamefacedly ask if they spoke English 😂

The cats! There is an absolutely ridiculous amount of stray cats in Greece—I’d usually pass no less than three just on my way to the coffee shop. I wasn’t a cat person previously, but this semester might have turned me into one.

I found an absolutely wonderful church, as well as a Bible study with a ton of girls my age, the latter of which was something I was lacking growing up.

In general, I feel like I gained a lot of confidence on this trip, both in a broad sense and spiritually. For our Christmas Eve service today, my dad asked me to talk about a Christmas poem since I’m so passionate about poetry (I got to blab about Gloria in Profundis guys!!!), and it occurred to me afterwards that there was no way I would have been comfortable doing that before I left. There was a lot this trip taught me, but one of the greatest things I think I learned was how to be an independent member of a church without my parents. They’ve always told me that they wanted me to make my faith my own, which of course I’ve always understood, but that’s a little difficult when your dad is the minister. Being halfway across the world really forces you to be independent and weigh your own priorities, and having to make the active choice every morning to get up and take the hour-long trip via often uncomfortable public transport to church, to talk to people and make friends and not be antisocial and hide in a corner, was really good for me. I found myself becoming way more comfortable with both talking openly about my faith (something that used to terrify me) and just talking to people in general.

There was honestly so much on this trip that could have gone wrong, but it didn’t, and I’m so grateful for that. It of course wasn’t all sunshine and roses (the living was, shall we say, challenging), but there were so many moments where I felt God blessing me with something and going “Hey! This is for you! I’m giving this to you on purpose!” and I got so much comfort out of that.

All of that said, I am VERY happy to be home.

#val’s gone globetrotting #an adventure for the books to be sure

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voidwritesstuff · 2 months

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The Stars have names.

(Part 1) A/N: this is a proof of concept for an original series of mine.Originally it was going to be a youtube series, but after writing this im not sure if thats the format i want to go with. Anyway,ill post this here and be done with breaking the immersion (if everything goes well, I'll post the other parts) Cw:abusive household, abusive parents, cults,body horror,religious imagery and pregnancy imagery.

>reblogs appreciated and encouraged.

I don't know if posting this here is a good idea, but I've realized I'm only putting people in more danger if I keep this to myself. My name isn't important,I know I’ll join them eventually, and by then I will have lost my sense of self. But let's get the main bits of information on the table. I’ve known my friend Orion for most of my life, he is originally from the town of Cometa, to this day he’s never told me where this town is,but I get the feeling I'll find out soon enough.

That should've been the first red flag. One I never recognized until recently.

The second red flag was a little more subtle. He's always been enthusiastic about sharing his knowledge of space,it was his special interest and I always listened because I wanted to be a good friend. It was the way he spoke about it though,there was a casual, almost personal tone to the way he talked about stars, but especially about the planets.

“I know you’ll think it's silly, but they have real names. Not the ones we gave them, Venus,mars,saturn…It's hard to explain,My mom’s better at it but she isn't allowed to talk about it”

When I asked why she wasn't allowed to talk about it, Orion would shrug and say it was “grown up stuff” and he stopped mentioning it as we grew older.I didn't notice it when we were teenagers, I thought he had “grown out” of it somehow.

How wrong i was. How so very wrong I was.

I was supposed to go to Cometa town next summer, Orion was spending the holidays with me and my family, and before he left he had given me one of many manuscripts from the church his town has. I told him I wasn't interested in religion,but he begged me to read them, and I wanted to be a good friend- He's heard me ramble about every single character I found hot many times throughout our friendship,so I figured I could give in and read it.

After all, it's just religious text, isn't it? I remember sitting down one morning,we were snowed in and the sky was dark- I’ve never seen clouds so thick… And yet somehow one single ray of sunlight spilt into my room. It was unusually warm when I extended my hand towards it, and just as I was about to begin reading the lights went out.

Didn't think too much of it, it snowed like crazy, so there I went to sit on the sunny spot in my room for some proper light. The shadows seemed so much darker then, but I just took it as my eyes getting used to the ridiculous amount of light I was being exposed to.

Isn't it crazy how much we deny odd things that happen to us? The text started as any religious text often does,with a long shpeel of poetic words, but then it turned into a journal. There are no dates, so god only knows when this happened-But it does seem quite modern for…Well you’ll see. I’ve also gone and added numbers to each part, it was hard when I first read it- and hey if you're going to go down a spiral of madness then at least I'll leave some road signs,I'm on my way out anyway. Consider this red flag number three, and your one and only warning to stop.

“

Church of Santa Madre de Luz Divina

Tale of Mother Sun.

The stars have names

Not ones that mortals can utter.

Not in any language that you may speak or invent.

For these gods,us your makers, speak in tongues of divine creation,

destruction, light and darkness, that which lies beyond your minds

Broken from the ties of the planets that birthed us.

You behold my light,the one of your mother.

Of the supernova that gave birth to humans.And may the Harvester, though forgotten in time,

come to reap your souls.

Only then shall you know the names of your gods.

It may not look like it

But we have a plan for you.

[Entry 1] I had that dream again. I was floating in darkness for hours,days,millenia…There was nothing around me- I knew there wasn't anything for miles and miles. And then…light. Blinding light,searing heat that oddly enough didn't hurt my skin.

I could only see things zooming past me, I could feel eons going by in the blink of an eye.

The darkness wasn't empty anymore,there were thousands upon thousands of little lights.I realized then, i was in space. But I didn't feel cold, I didn't lack oxygen.

In a way, i breathed with the universe. I could feel the pulse of supernovas, of black holes eating and eating the darkness and turning it into,or taking it into, something I couldn't comprehend or fathom to.

Frozen in time, I couldn't move back or forth, to and fro, I simply floated and watched the existence around me begin to circle me.

Yet it wasnt me,not me specifically. I turned to look behind me, because before me there was nothing- Like a sunflower bending to the light above.

And i woke up.

The therapist said moving would help,that Cometa Town was perfect for someone like me. I want to trust Dawn’s word, she lived there most of her life before moving to Argentina. I guess she outgrew that town,i can relate to that

Dawn had also said that these dreams meant that I was too stressed, feeling like the world was coming undone around me. And she wasn't wrong, after that fight with my dad i couldn't stand being around him. Piece of shit.I don't understand why my mom still thinks I should make up with him. I don't understand how she can still forgive him even after everything, he threw eggs at our door,he had threatened to beat up his parents,my grandparents, and back when they were still together he would argue with her until she couldn't stomach it anymore and puke.

I don't want to end up like her, compelled to forgive and live beside someone who has sucked away all life from me just because I seek acceptance.

Mom promised that Cometa town is nice,and i trust her word,or i try to- But i know she wouldn't’ve moved so far away,countries away, if this town did not speak spanish,she never puts in the effort to do something difficult.

Lord knows there are days where she makes me feel like a burden,every time i talk to her it feels like she’s ignoring me. All the praise I get usually are just one worded responses,an adjective she throws at me without looking up from her phone…

And as much as I try to hate her,I can't. In a way she’s still my mother, I spent months in her stomach,growing. It makes me wonder if I had not been born a month before I was supposed to,would she pay attention to me? Of course it’s a silly claim,but almost after twenty years of being left aside, I’m starting to grasp at straws.

I guess Dawn was right,I need to get some fresh air-I doubt i’ll get a break anyway, i still don't have enough money to move away. Still, here I go. Goodbye Argentina,Hello Cometa.

[Entry 2]

I fell asleep on the plane,no dreams, only peaceful rest… But I have to admit that it felt odd,like a part of me was missing. I felt so cold when I woke up,I usually feel cozy. Maybe it's just the AC of the plane…

Either way,I called dibs on the seat next to the window. I can see the clouds. It gives me vertigo, but in a fun way-Like I could be flying through the clouds like i was the sun… That image gave me peace, hope. It makes me excited to get to my new home,hang up all my posters and paraphernalia.

I may even find a group of people to play D&D with on the weekends…

Maybe this extreme move is going to help.

[Entry 3] Cometa town is so pretty, gardens and gardens of flowers,there are parks with weekly fairs! It's good to know mom will have a place to sell her clothes, and I won't go hungry. I understand now why the therapist recommended this place- Aside from having a university of arts (with a career in film, How lucky!) And it has a cool name too: “Cosmos University of the Arts”.

i will miss Dawn though- maybe i can find a replacement here? I don't know if it'll be the same…fingers crossed? Oh! and The sunset here was just as beautiful too, i can actually see the stars here. I begged my mom to eat dinner outside by the sunflower garden we have and she accepted. No TV,no background sound,just me and her…it's nice.

It would be nicer if she didn't call me by my deadname,though. I’ve told her plenty of times I go by Nova now, but hey- she still doesn't believe im bi,let alone accept I change my pronouns often, so maybe i'm just asking her for the wrong things.

But a new home,a new place, the same old sky… Maybe I should keep that in mind instead.

[Entry 4] Well, the dream came back.

But it's longer now, different.

I saw that same darkness, that same explosion of light, but now when I turned I saw the sun (I expected it,it's the only thing that made sense). I expected the light to burn my eyes, but it didn't. Dream logic? I don't know.

Aside from actually being able to see what's behind me,I noticed something there, growing. Like a seed, looking for something,writhing. The sun was only a shell for whatever was growing in there. Yknow what it reminded me of? A baby, growing in the womb of her mother,kicking and feeling out the warm home she finds herself in. There was no better place for her, I was sure of it, I could almost picture what she looked like.

Body made of divine light, elegant hands that have the opportunity to create,to destroy, I dare say even…artistic. The art of bringing beautiful things to life, the willpower to destroy the imperfections,the mistakes, even if it means throwing out a whole art piece and start from scratch

She's adorned with pure gold that glimmers like endless stars, clothes made of the softest fabrics the world could offer.

Yet..i couldn't see her face, it was either hidden from view or just consuming my whole range of sight.

massive, she was massive, and i was about the size of a vein.

I saw her,whatever she was, take me in her hands and lay me to rest on her chest. I beat her heartbeat, I ate of her blood…it gave me such a rush. I felt..unstoppable, I felt myself breaking out of the shell I forced myself into just so I wouldn't get into trouble,that I would not be hit with my mother’s glare of disappointment that I don't fit her standards for “Being born a woman”.

When I woke up I felt…dizzy, I felt something churning in my stomach,my forehead felt too warm and it throbbed in a way that made me light headed,the sunlight that was falling on my face had this sparkle to it.

Mom came over to ask me if I was alright,it was probably around mid-day when I woke up,which meant that lunch would be done soon and that she was waiting for me. I told her I felt ill and I wondered what had I eaten the night before for me to feel like my body was organizing a mutiny against me. And then I turned to my nightstand, saw my sketchbook opened and stained with chocolate from the wrapper I had tossed on it carelessly the night before.

. . . I need to stop eating sweets before going to bed.

[entry 5]

The dream’s been on my mind as of late, so I've tried to push it to the side by signing up for Cometa town’s university. I thought the bureaucracy was going to be endless,thankfully it wasn't- It was quite easy honestly, just asked for my personal data like name,birth date, ID and the like, it even had a “Preferred name” box i could fill up- It made me happy to know i wouldn't have to use my deadname.

Aside from that I've tried to distract myself by walking around the town, it has a very low crime rate so my mom’s not worried about letting me wander off. It's a nice change from the constant fear of being robbed i had back in Argentina, doesn't mean I don't miss my home though. I miss it terribly,but there's not much I can do but to wait for winter break to visit them again (well,it's winter break for the town- back home it's a ripe,ripe summer. I'll be cooking my ass off while the town lives it up in the snow,lucky)

But back to the walk i took, i wrote down a few places i’d like to visit next time The mall (obviously, it has a bunch of stores,fast food restaurants and even an observatory- I’d say it's a weird addition to the mall but i don't complain, i really like seeing the stars), Also the parks it has to offer, the town center and the one thing that caught my attention the most was this church- I wouldn't know the exact architecture style, but its grand,well decorated and so,so tall and old. I think I saw a telescope peeking out from one of the windows in the main tower.

Hopefully I can visit it soon? Maybe tomorrow will be fun.

[entry 6] After lunch I went to the church, the place was mostly empty (i figured, i mean i did go right after i finished eating lunch) and honestly it made it all the more personal. Hell,even the priest wasn't there roaming around and doing whatever priests do.

But I did meet someone there, they had male features, a chiseled face, olive eyes and pretty reddish brown skin. They were dressed in goth clothes (and fashionably so) so it didn't surprise me to see them at the church.

And in my ogling I noticed their jacket was packed full of patches, I could see the one on the right side of his arm, it read “Still a planet” With an embroidered image of Pluto. I couldn't help but snicker at it They introduced themself as Callum,they looked at me like I was some sort of long lost friend and asked me if I was new around town. I told them that I was and that I had moved in just a few days ago. I could notice the slight hispanic accent in their voice and I asked them if they spoke any Spanish, they said yes and we got to talking in my mother tongue.

It made me happy to know they liked my vest, I couldn't help but think that a punk and a goth went hand in hand. Both appeal to the darker side of the world, for them it was the macabre,the things that go bump in the night. And for me, it was all about how the system was always against you,how the world seems to orchestrate in a way that no matter what you do, you’ll always be on the wrong side of things. Damned if you do,damned if you don’t.

Callum was fun to talk to,I appreciated that since I haven't been able to meet my neighbors yet. I mean I just got here,but I wish I had someone else to talk to that isn’t my mom or includes me sending a text to my friends back in Argentina.

Here's one of the conversations I had with my new “Acquaintance” (translated from english to spanish to keep my privacy. wouldn't be surprised if i left it open some day and my mom reads it out of curiosity):

“So..Why visit the church of all places?” they had asked me as we entered the large cathedral

“Well just getting to see the town really, but i saw it and i knew i had to enter and at least take a peek- I like making art, and i was hoping to draw some of the things around the place” “You make art? that's cool” They smiled with this child-like excitement “I make murals, i go to the university here” “Dude no way,I signed up for the studies in film career!”

“Then we’ll see each other more often, that's good” We introduced each other properly then, they told me about their family and I told them why i moved away- I skipped a few details because i couldn't exactly just drop the fact that i had to move because my father was a manipulative piece of shit.

When we got to the altar section, I hadn't noticed until then that the Vitraux behind the pedestal were not of God or Jesus, instead they were of these massive beings of cosmic light.

And right in front of me was her.

Being of divine light, hands extended towards me, holding the world in their palms, her face got lost in the bright burst of light portrayed on the glass. Shades of red,orange and yellow spilled across my face and in my half blinded state I could swear I saw bright eyes staring back at me. It made me jump back out of reflex, i blinked the light away and turned to see if Callum had seen me embarrass myself like that-

But they weren't.

They were staring at another vitraux, a being of pure darkness and ice, candles of blue flame serving as shoulder pieces with their melted wax with gold jewelry over its shroud. And in the center of their chest,like a ribcage, stood the alchemical symbol for Pluto. Underneath it was a simple plaque that read “The Harvester” It gave me the idea to see the plaque beside it, “Father moon”. Above it stood a vitraux of a male figure with a shawl of stars, a crown of night and time on his bursting face of moonlight. He was holding his hands close to his chest where the alchemical symbol for the moon stood carved in pale gray as he grasped an old sun clock.

Out of curiosity I looked back at the one in front of me, I could still see The Harvester and Father Moon in the corner of my left eye. The plaque underneath the divine lady of sunlight read “Mother Sun”

“You’ve seen ‘em too?” Callum asked out of nowhere, I jumped from my spot as if I was broken from a trance. They looked at me with what seemed like fear and utter dread.

“Excuse you?” They pointed at the vitraux i was looking at “Her,You've seen her” With how they looked at me, i knew lying wouldn't do me any good “Yeah” I Had replied with a slight tremble in my voice “I have” My eyes couldn't meet theirs, I was too ashamed and startled. In my avoidance I noticed that Callum’s jacket had an embroidered patch of Mictecacihuatl, the lady of the dead in Aztec mythology.

“How?” they asked,sounding adamant that they get an answer.

“dreams, you?” something in me pushed me to answer,even if i felt like their question was a little too weird and out of pocket “same”

I blinked at the sordid nature of it. How could I dream of something that I have never seen before? But before I could question that bitch of an existential crisis,We heard shuffling steps from behind us, we turned to see a priest- Old,old man with a wrinkled face, dark black eyes that gleamed with..satisfaction? “May I help you with something?” The old man asked, His voice raspy and with a warmth that felt too unnatural- Like he's trying to overcompensate. I raised my brows in surprise,his voice sounding so familiar, like I heard it in a distant dream.

“No” Callum sounded harsh, they took my bicep and began tugging me along out of the Church,but before they left my sight i read the two other plaques beside Mother sun: “Sister star” and “The Oracle” They didn't speak a word until we were well away from the church, they sat me down at a bench and looked at me like somebody had died.

“I thought there was enough of us already” They whispered, afraid that the trees would grow ears and listen “What?” “There's 3 more others just like you, like us.-Probably more” “Callum, you're not making any sense” “Listen to me,Nova. The stars have names”[entry 7] I came back home late after that, Callum insisted on walking me home and we did so in silence. It felt uncomfortable, like the lack of literally any spoken word was digging under my skin and getting into my bone marrow,expanding it uncomfortably.

Before our weird ass conversation,I actually got along with Callum, like i’ve known them all my life or even well before that…It was odd but..comforting.They’re the first friend i've made since moving here.

They bid me goodbye with a kiss on the cheek, I didn't think too much of it since it's a common way to greet each other back in Argentina- Us latinos are a mixed bag of customs after all.

As soon as I stepped in, My mom was up in arms about where I had been. She was cooking as she yelled at me for being out so late, I told her she needed to calm down and I reminded her about how Cometa town had almost no crime rate.

She glared at me and told me i was just as irresponsible as my father, it made me so angry, it scorched me that she would compare me to my dad, only to turn around and tell me i should make peace with him- She still somehow believed that it was my fault that i fought with him, and not that he looked at me in the eye and said “You're the worst daughter a father could ask for”. It was a petty argument, i don't remember what we were fighting about anymore, In that moment,rage blinded me and I just wanted her to hurt, and before I could wallow my rage,she yelped and jumped away from the oven.She had burnt herself with the flame of the stove.

After that i went to my room, i was so mad and so,so tired. I am exhausted from having to dance on the edge of being a golden child and a scapegoat martyr. I would never be enough for her, and that was starting to dawn on me.

I get that she was worried,that she feared something happened to me- But there are better ways to say so. It makes me sad she never seems to treat me like an actual human.

[Entry 8] I fell asleep as soon as I went to bed.I had consciously forgotten about Callum’s explanation, but a part of me didn't.

As i drifted endlessly on the edge of sleep, i remembered everything my new “Friend” had told me

“ Listen to me,Nova. The stars have names. Not the ones we gave them,Venus,Saturn,pluto. None of that bullshit. They are gods, born from the planets we know, they're only shells of shattered womb,they have no life in them.” “But there's life on earth” I had said “Because they needed a place for their servants to live. Thats us” “And why should I trust your words?” Callum seemed a little amused at my flabbergasted expression

They scoffed before continuing to talk “The whole town is in on it. They are a cult,im sure of it” “How do you even know this stuff?” “I moved here three years ago, my family and I had been practically chased off from our home in Mexico. The bosses of my parents had fired them, I suddenly became the worst student in my school and got kicked out. My buddy Byeol and Archie had been offered a scholarship to the university of this town- This very public university. A scholarship.” they made a pause to steady themself, it felt like they were just word vomiting right now. “Did nothing weird happen to you before you came here?” They continued with a slight anger to them, not directed at me but at whatever was supposedly tugging the strings of this weird cultish plot. “Nothing that feels too much like a coincidence?” I remembered how Dawn had been raised here, how she said the homes here were really cheap,especially to immigrants.Something about a benefit from the state. At the time I doubted it, this country is as capitalist as it gets-Not to mention its clear distaste for non natives. But then we checked and it was an actual thing,so I didn't think too much of it since I just figured my biases had gotten the better of me.

“How do you know this?” I asked.

“I know this because I saw it. In my dreams” They raised a finger before I could manage to retort “Let me ask you this, have you heard of any of the gods we saw at the church?” “No,but it could be a niche religion” “Okay then,what about your dreams?” Truth is I was ready to jump on the conspiracy bandwagon,Too soon? maybe. But my mind was looking for a reason to doubt all these good things in my life, a part of me wouldn’t let me accept the nice things that came to me. There is a reason I go to therapy after all.

“see?” Callum added,taking my silence as the answer they needed. “Why would you tell me this?” “Because you're the missing piece. I told you there’s more of us, my friends all had dreams with the gods we saw back there”They answered “I could see you were staring at Mother Sun, so that must be who you see in your dreams, am i mistaken?”I shook my head. “I don't know what they're planning”they continued,sure there was something else unraveling, “i don't know why they want us but it can't be good. This town is too perfect, it makes me sick. Nothing good can come from this,i can just feel it”

I sat there in silence and looked at the floor. I didn't know if I could believe them.A cult? really? And why was I the missing piece? “Then why don’t you leave” “We have nowhere to go, all the times I’ve tried to convince my family to get out something big like a promotion would happen and suddenly my word wasn’t enough”

My heart sank to my feet. ‘No matter what you do, the game is always rigged ’ I thought. “And you haven’t told them about all this?” “I did, but they say that it’s just a product of how our leave from Mexico unfolded”

They say that when you wear rose colored glasses,all red flags are just..flags. Me included, I felt like their whole speech just now was the ramblings of a madman. But they had just enough credibility to them that it made it hard for me to fully reject it.

I sat there in silence for a while,processing everything I had been told. I don’t know if Callum was staring at me,I completely zoned out for a few good minutes. All I could see was that goddess,I could feel her tugging at me somehow,she was eager. A sigh made me snap out of my thoughts, I looked up to see my companion’s face and for a moment I swear they looked incredibly gaunt “Sorry,I know it's a lot to dump on you” they had said with a soft voice and a meek look in their eyes.

“thats the understatement of the fucking century” They scoffed and offered to walk me home as compensation for the wild ride. They also gave me their phone number just in case.

And truth be told I was ready to leave it all behind and make a mental note to never talk to Callum again.

But then I had to fall asleep.

I found myself in the dark expanse again, I knew the drill of creation and destruction, worlds coming and going,and when I stood before the planets spinning around me, I started to notice something. Each planet had a massive crack in the middle, they were creaking and groaning with pain. I could hear their labored breathing as whatever was crawling out of them began to split their shells apart. Like tearing open the placenta that held them. The celestial bodies that house them scream in pain and agony, a horrible choir of death as beings of immense scale rise before me.That same man made of moonlight and time rose from the smallest natural satellite, he was the first one…

I saw him and the sun behind me dance in eternal bliss, with each step I could feel the ripples of space bending, breaking what remained of the planets that only followed the orbit of the giant,divine woman. Though I could never see their faces, there was no face to see.

Or perhaps I was afraid of what I would behold if I stared at the sun for too long.

Mother Sun looked down upon me and I turned away. I could feel her burn a hole through my skull, only stopping when Venus splits open with a screeching choir,birthing a woman with the face of pure starlight, grand insectoid wings that flutter curiously. Then Neptune cracks open with a tidal wave, allowing a large female figure to slither out of it. She had past and future in her eyes- were those her eyes? her face was a gossamer shine that reflected fractals and fractals of what could be or had been.

And long forgotten in time, Pluto is the last one to be born. Cold in the endless vacuum, creaking of bone against bone, feeding from the corpse of his mother, A shrouded figure stood impossibly tall, curling into itself.

More were missing, I Knew that-She knew that.

But I couldn't see the other planets from just how bright she shone in the black void.

Unwilling to look at her, I tried my best to fight her. I wouldn't let her burn my eyes, I don't want to face whatever turned its wretched gaze upon me. I would rather be disintegrated into ash, because when she forced my head to snap to her, using her massive hand to twist me like a doll, I saw my face in her shine.

I woke up screaming,tears falling down my cheeks before I managed to be conscious enough to let them flow. [Entry 9] My mom ran into my room,asking me if I was okay. I told her I had a nightmare, and that I'd be fine. I never talked about my dreams,so she wasn't surprised I didn't want to talk about it. She hung out with me in the kitchen as I made myself some tea. I didn't have the strength to look at her bandaged arm,did I cause that? When she saw me a lot calmer, she returned to sleep. And I decided I had to talk with Callum about all this.

Before I knew it, I was sneaking out of the house and embarking on a midnight adventure with a person I just met, to talk about eldritch beings and horrors. Life really is the gift that keeps on giving.

They took me to a restaurant. “Nebula Dinner”,read the perfect, 50s style neon sign. By this point it's like the town wasn't even bothering to hide it…

“So..”They began once we sat down in the booth placed on one of the corners of the establishment “Do you believe me now?” I snarled at how smug they sounded “Yes” “Good,because it's only going to get worse”

“jeez, how sunny” They shrugged and put their forearms on the table,leaning in a little and using them as support “Tell me about the dream”. And tell them I did, I spared no detail, and it felt oddly nice to be able to share this with somebody other than my therapist. They listened attentively and even went so far as to hold my hand when I began tearing up again. “..why? why us?” I had asked with what little voice I had in me.

“Your guess is as good as mine”They replied, trying to sound nonchalant about it,but I could tell that in a sense, this was like reliving his own trauma. “Look, My dreams started a few months before I moved to Cometa, same with Archie,Byeol and Sammira. Tell me if that's not a cosmic coincidence” I flinched at the word “cosmic” and they apologized.

To my credit, I did try to process everything I had heard. And I failed miserably at it. My brain ran itself in circles trying to reconcile with the idea that gods existed, and that for some damn reason I was suddenly chosen by one of them.

I still couldn't shake off that feeling, like i was breathing alongside somebody, my head buzzed and i still felt like my brain felt like it was being pushed into two different directions. The images are so clear even when it had been just a few hours since I woke up.

A sigh left me as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes,I could have used some more rest-But the thought of having to face that thing again terrified me. “I like god do not play with dice” I quoted, hoping that one of my many vocal stims cheered me up. “And i do not believe in coincidence” They had finished, smiling at me “V for Vendetta”

“You know it?It's a bit old” “I have the compilation of the whole series back in my house,” They answered, clearly enthusiastic about it. “Hey,let me get you something to eat, my treat- We shouldn't be thinking about this without food in our stomachs” “It's like two am” They shrugged and said “Early breakfast,i guess” And I couldn't help myself and said “What about second breakfast?”“I don't think he knows about second breakfast,Pippin '' They answered without missing a beat, accent and all. Suddenly all the tension in the air dissipated as we both laughed,I shook my head at the absurdity of it all, and I gladly accepted the offer of food.

Even though I knew there were a lot more things we needed to discuss, I let it pass by. I needed to feel normal again for a few minutes, and I wouldn't deny this moment.

Callum waved over one of the late night staff, Her name was Solana and she was Callum's older sister. They introduced me to her and we both ordered something to eat after she handed us the menu.

We spent the night talking about comics,movies and games. It felt nice to be a normal twenty something again.

[entry 10] Callum had spent the night at my house, they promised they would sneak off in the morning. It was sunday so my mom would leave to work at the fairs in one of the parks. They said they knew how hard it was to deal with these nightmares, and they wanted to keep me company through it all.

If I had not experienced the worst nightmare of my life, I would've said no. But I didn't want to spend this night alone, I didn't feel safe being on my own. I feel like these dreams will eat me whole, and I can begin to feel something crawling inside my chest already.

When i woke up Callum was gone as they said they would, they had left me a text saying we could hang out later or grab lunch. My home didn't feel safe anymore,it felt like the sunlight was so bright it was eating away all the color,all the life my house had.I accepted their offer in a heartbeat, at least walking through the town I could forget and ignore the shifting shadows out of the corners of my eyes, and how uncomfortably familiar the sunlight felt on my skin, like it was trying to embrace the deepest part of me and for that it needed to tear and carve through my skin,my muscles and straight past my bones.

My new friend wasn't faring any better, they felt incredibly cold to the touch, they avoided being in the shade for too long and they had ripped off their patch about Pluto and we did not talk about our dreams,or what this “cult” might be up to. And it wasn't even out of worry that we could be eavesdropped upon. It was pure,sheer fear of what it would mean if just like the planets, something was growing inside of us.

There was a pull underneath my skin, i could feel it writhe under my intestines,slithering and weaving itself through the pores of my sternum…And as much as i tried to push it away, it would only fade when during our walk we came across a second church,identical to the one we had seen on saturday. “Another one?” I asked confused

Callum nodded“To the other minor gods,Madame Jupiter,Sir Kaos,Professor Mercury and Saint Saturn”

“Those are weird ass names” I tried to joke,relieved that i suddenly felt like myself again “I didn't choose them” He chided “But yes,weird” “I'm kind of curious to see the inside” “That's how horror movies start. We’re latinos,we’re supposed to know better” They joked with a slight smirk

“Well i have some white in me,my grandma’s italian, I can be a bit stupid,as a treat” “If you die in there i'm not retrieving your body” “mean”

Making fun of it did help to ease the tension that had been growing like a weed inside of me.It felt like me and Callum had known each other our whole lives, that there was no need to put our words through a filter. I was going to tug them along to see the interior, but we saw one of the nuns come out from the church, she was looking down at the ground,minding her step. Then she looked at us for a few,long seconds and smiled wide. She raised her hand to wave at us, and we looked at eachother and promptly walked away.

What disturbed me the most is that i felt like i knew her,I knew the sound of her voice even when i have never heard her speak. Just like the old priest I saw at the other cathedral. I felt like i had heard her call my name, which one i didn't know, it made me dizzy trying to figure it out and i was already dealing with feeling watched- Callum kept glancing back and i knew then i wasn't the only one that felt like that

Honestly,If i had not dreamt what i did,i would have chalked it up to paranoia…

But then I looked up straight at the sun. I expected the shine to burn my eyes,but it didn't. I had hoped I'd blind myself for a split second just to confirm something that wasn’t clawing at me at that moment.

Dread settled,my chest felt tight and I felt like the gold light that spilled across this world cupped my face and forced me to face its creator.

The sun was staring right back at me, beckoning me closer.

[entry 11] I woke up a few seconds after,I felt something cold against my back, hard like wood and somebody holding me. Slowly I blinked my eyes open and met the face of Callum, they looked concerned,sweaty, and I could see past them a gray ceiling of carved rock and stained glass.

“How are you?” They had asked,voice shaking.

“Im,..okay? what's up with you?” Before they replied, I heard a raspy, gravelly voice say “Ah,so good to see you're okay” The unnatural welcoming in this male voice made my bones uncomfortable, I felt them pushing against my joints trying to escape. I wanted to peel each strand of my muscles only to distract myself from it.

There stands the priest we saw at the church with the vitraux of the main gods of this cursed pantheon, he opens his arms and says “Our Mother can be quite stern if she wants to, sorry for that. But i have the feeling you’ll soon grow on her” He made a pause,to then clear his throat “Sorry, I meant to say she’ll soon grow in you”

I turned to Callum, who tried to put themself between me and the priest “Callum, what the hell is going on?” Callum turned back briefly to me, they pursed their lips and their eyes looked wild with their pupils as small as a dot “Remember how i said I didn't know what they were planning?” I nodded “...I have the feeling we’re about to find out”

The old priest smirked, his eyes glimmering like the ones of a predator “Don’t worry,we won't hurt you”

“You should hear him out” Came a woman’s voice I knew quite well. Dawn stood there in the same clothes I had seen her wear in our last session together,with a smile so big like she was a kid in a candy store. “I know it's hard to accept good things,especially with everything you’ve been through,but this community welcomes you,both of you, with open arms” She offered a hug,spreading her arms. Her face twitched as if it hurt to grin like that but she couldn't stop.

It reminded me of how sometimes people would feel euphoria when experiencing something divine… We both began to hear multiple sets of steps,we’re surrounded by nuns,townsfolk. They all seem to revere us,and it dawns on me.

“After all, how dare we strike our own gods?”Finished the priest. They had handed me this journal,my journal, to write everything since my midnight meeting with Callum. They say that I had written their holy texts once before, and that they eagerly await the gospel of their mother…

I don't know why they returned me home,why keep up appearances? they had us at the church…

But then in came my mom,all excited telling me about how she had a really good day at work, how she could give me some money to buy myself something pretty. I wouldn't put it past them to harm my mother if I told her about all this? Would she even believe me? Right now i can hear them outside my window, it's a gloomy day, rainy and horrible,almost pitch dark, they hide in the shadows, they are whispering and awing at my writing. Callum is here with me, just as scared as I am.

“Why?” I ask out loud,hoping for an answer, and I get none.

My mind drifted for a second to Callum,their family,their friends.

Friends..

Oh no, There's more like us.

More…vessels? seeds? What are we? Who the hell are we?

I feel now the sun shining down on me. its warmth uncomfortably pressing under my skin,through tunnels already carved straight to my soul. I turn to Callum, they sit in the darkness at the edge of my bed,their back against the mattress, their head hung low. The hood of their jacket is pulled up, I can't see their face, and I don't think I'd see any if they turned to me.

I can feel her crawling up my nerves,up my spine. My head feels dizzy and my face feels incredibly hot like I'm feverish. ‘You’re loved here,don’t you see?’She whispers ‘You won’t be ignored here, you won't be a scapegoat,a martyr. You can be that golden child, the saint you know you are’

Tears begin to fall down my face,staining the pages of the journal. She makes it sound so sweet.

‘Finally you can rest. Why fight against the system?Why don’t you..we join it? we can change it together. We can make something out of ourselves’

I look at Callum, shivering and talking to themself under their breath. I can’t hear them,but I can see their breath condensate.

“I think we’ve known each other for a while” They finally said,soft voice barely carrying over the whispering horde outside.They offer their hand towards me as I hear the creaking of bone against bone, scraping like nails on a chalkboard. Their teeth clack together as if there's no gums,no tongue to soften the impact.I see that their fingers are thin and their skin is barely sticking to their bones.I take it,finding solace in their touch.

I don’t want to be alone. Not again, not ever again.

“We do,don't we?” I replied.

Everything seems clearer now,like sunlight after a storm.

“Do you know my name?” “I think I do,do you know mine?” “i do” “it's good to see you again,Harvester” “it's good to bask in your radiance again,Mother Sun”

[entry 11]

“Church of Santa Madre de Luz Divina

“Heed my words oh servant

For my light will guide your path.

Like it always has during eons past.

I never left,for you still revolve around me

Even if my body hangs limp in the sky.

Like a child within my womb,you writhe and call for me.

Heed my words, you who have waited for our return…

The stars have names.

Not those you could even fathom to pronounce.

We have walked amongst you now.

We have lived what you have.

So welcome this new era.

Welcome us anew.No longer forgotten

And don't fret

for we have a plan for you”

[End of journal] I can see her, through the dark. The sky is looking back through the gloom.

Her light burns me.

My mother is calling.

But I can't give in,not yet, not now. There's four more documents like this,I can transcribe them if any of you want to kamikaze yourself into insanity with me. I’ll be here waiting,patiently. Either way,I know now that no matter what I do, the sun is always watching me,the moon knows all my secrets and in the cold night outside I can see the harvester waiting for me, tapping on his scythe with his candles burning blue.

#oc: nova castro #oc: callum fernandez #the stars have names #original story #writeblr #original writing #writers on tumblr #cosmic horror #cosmic horror writing #writerscommunity #original fiction #horror #fiction

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spade-riddles · 1 year

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So, when these naysayers in the industry were telling you that you had to keep your relationship — who you were singing about, basically — a secret, did you think they were right at first? Did really you believe that if fans knew the truth, your career would be over?

Oh, yeah! At first I totally believed that, just because I hadn't seen it done before. I mean, look at Chely Wright and Ty Herndon. Chely’s career was practically over after she came out. And I met my wife in 2015, so that was only five years later. And that's what people were saying to me: “So, you wanna be excommunicated from the country music family if you come out, like Chely Wright?” There were these horror stories, and so, I believed it. I believed it for as long as I could. And then I just couldn't anymore. I got really sick. I had ulcers in my small intestine. I had to get off tour because I was so sick. I realized my life was being taken away. I also realized I was staying in the closet to make straight people feel comfortable, while I'm leaving out my entire [LGBTQ+] community — whereas, maybe I could help other people feel more comfortable with who they are, if I was comfortable with who I was.

But that's a long journey, after being raised in a conservative household. I went to a Christian school, and it's so funny, because I get a lot of religious people who maybe haven’t met a lot of people in the LGBTQ community, and they say, “Oh, I'm a Christian… but I support you!” And I'm like, “No, you're a Christian, and therefore you support love and people loving each other,” you know? I mean, 97% of the people that I know in the queer community were raised the same way I was. We all were raised in the church. We all started singing “Jesus Loves Me” at 5 years old — and then we were told by the church at age 17 that Jesus didn'tl ove us anymore. But that's just not true.

Now that your life hasn’t been ruined at all by you coming out, is there any part of you that thinks with regret, “Damn, I should have done this sooner”?

No, because I knew that when I came out I had to be so sure of myself. I didn't want to waver at all. I felt, “If I'm going to be a voice for this, I have to be all-in.” Of course I wish that process for me could have gone faster. But I had a lot to unlearn — like, so much to unlearn. That being said, do I wish I could have unlearned that seven years earlier? Yeah, I do.

What did you need to unlearn, exactly?

Societal norms. You know, it's so funny, because the media talks about queer people being “groomers.” And I'm like, “If you could groom people, I would be straight as f***!” [laughs] Like, growing up, I did beauty pageants. My mom put me in pink every day. My hair was always in curls. I was the freakin’ homecoming queen. All of these quintessential “girly” things. … So, if I could have been “groomed” to be one thing, I would've been straight, for sure!

#great article

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pimo-and-sad-about-it · 2 years

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Alright folks, today we're talking about AMATONORMATIVITY. And also allonormativity but mostly the first one.

Now, I do not claim for a second to be an expert on the topic, but I have seen the harm that this concept, particularly in relation to the church, can cause.

Amatonormativity, simply put, is the assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, longterm relationship, and that everyone is naturally looking for one. Allonormativity is the assumption that everyone experiences sexual attraction. (Feel free to correct if needed)

Now, needless to say, these are HUGE in TSCC. "Salvation is an individual matter, exaltation is a family matter." Thanks, Russell. It is literally a part of Mormon doctrine that you can only get into heaven if you are married (heterosexually, ofc). But dw, if you die single, there'll be someone waiting for you on the other side.

Now, for very obvious reasons, this is very damaging for LGBT individuals who can't maintain their celestial status if they marry someone of the same sex. That's a huge deal, and one of the main reasons why I stopped believing in God in the first place.

But today I want to talk more specifically about the part where "being married" is essential to living a godly life (which is bs, btw). (***Also this creates HUGE stigma around divorce in TSCC but that's another issue entirely).

A few years ago my sister came out as aroace. First to a family friend, then to me, then to the rest of our immediate family. I considered myself cishet at the time but was fully supportive. The rest of my family, however, had a bit more trouble with the idea.

My other sister did alright, but definitely had some concerns that she expressed to me later. My dad, however, didn't get it at all. He told my sister something to the effect of, "I want you to be happy, but I don't think this is how you can do it."

So basically. TSCC enforces the belief that you must be in a committed, heterosexual relationship if you want to live a happy and fulfilling life, let alone have a happy eternity. Guess my sister doesn't get to be happy then, huh?

Now I didn't really think about this TOO much until after I stopped believing. Because something really weird happened the moment I stopped believing in God, which honestly surprised me quite a bit.

See, I always wanted to get married, have kids, all that. I expected it. That was "normal." That IS normal in TSCC. But then I stopped believing, and all of the sudden that didn't feel like a necessity anymore. In fact, I wasn't sure I even WANTED it. Looking for marriage before the age of 25 just doesn't feel like a priority anymore.

That probably doesn't seem like a big deal to most people. But to me, it completely changed my worldview. I no longer live with the pressure of valuing a relationship over my individual goals/life. Simply put, I feel more free.

Now I'm in this weird situation where I'm not looking for romance and am not planning to anytime soon, but at the same time I'm telling to figure out if I'm bi? Which is a weird spot to be in, but knowing I can figure it all out at my own pace is honestly amazing.

So basically, this was really long and probably not particularly interesting, but what I'm trying to say is, YOU DON'T NEED A RELATIONSHIP TO BE HAPPY. TSCC claims that you do, but you actually just don't. If you want one, that's cool too, that's great, even! Just know that there's nothing wrong with you if that's not a priority right now, or ever.

DOWN WITH AMATONORMATIVITY!!!

#amatonormativity #asexual #aromantic #allonormativity #exmo #ex christian #exmormon #pimo #exlds #ex mormon #apostate #ex religious #bisexual

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kats-kradle · 5 months

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rant

losing my mind. it’s the last week of my classes and im so close to the end but on Saturday ive got a concert. not really a concert it’s like band/concert my violin teacher teaches a TON of instruments and every six months all the students perform songs together its a blast. im so stressed its unreal because the week before the last one my violin hairs just like BROKE and i had to scramble to last minute get it fixed. so im super paranoid that it’s gonna happen again like i think it’s just my imagination but I can feel the hairs going again. its also almost the recital at the dance studio I work at. i heard through the grapevine that some of the other teachers don’t think I’m strict enough with my kids but like. the kids in question are 5. they gotta be a lil squirmy and crazy if you want them to listen. so stressed that they’re gonna be absolutely bonkers and make the other teachers think i can’t control them. my mom is frustrated with her weight and she keeps yelling at me because of it. i love her but i don’t like being the target of her anger for no reason. she’ll just start yelling at me about nothing with no warning and it really puts me on edge around her because i don’t know what she’s gonna do. also triggering because my dad was verbally abusive. my room is a mess. my adhd is bad. im still recovering from my concussion so i can’t write for more than like 20 min before i get a headache. im so bad at speaking spanish which is a problem because i got to a latino church. i worry that im an intrusion but we’ve been there a year and everyones said multiple times how much they love us. i feel the need to show them ive improved since ive joined. im so stressed about being perfect because im so used to having consequences if im not. when my parents divorced my dad tried to take homeschooling away from my mom by using my bad grade as proof in court that she shouldn’t be teaching me and my sisters. do you know what that does to a kid?? 12 years old and having to know that your inadequacy could take you and your sisters away from your mom. every time i got a bad grade i knew he was using it to hurt my mom. let me tell you that’s SO MUCH PRESSURE😭 i started cheating in high school. i stopped by my senior year and i don’t anymore but i never know if all my A’s are because im smart or because it was essentially beaten into me that people got hurt when i didn’t do well. i keep having to telling myself “no one will get hurt if you don’t do perfect” and “there’s no consequences for not being perfect.” I finished a novella a wrote by accident and i want to publish it but i don’t know where to start. my older sister told me she’s a little jealous of me because she’s always had the goal to write but she threw herself into her education first. she’s overcompensating for her jealousy by offering me advice that she doesn’t know how to give and trying to be nit picky trying to make my story “perfect.” im so so tired of people trying to make me perfect im so tired of nothing i do being enough. can’t it just BE.

anyways i need to have serious prayer time and give this to the Lord but it felt good to scream into the void.

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joanofexys · 3 months

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I've got like 10 minutes before I promised myself I'd get my shit together and I don't go to therapy anymore so I'm dumping it all here. I will be deleting this later dw

Life has just fucking sucked lately. And not in the way that bad stuff is happening I'm just being forced to deal with the bad stuff that's already happened

A week ago I told my friends about the time the guy I was seeing in October tried to corner me in the props closet and SA me and how I got out of there quick cause I didn't "want it to happen again" which was also their first time finding out I've been sexually assaulted ever. And we just didn't talk about it and we haven't talked about it and we're not going to talk about it. I just really don't know how to cope with the fact that I told someone. Verbally. With words. Not just writing "I'm an SA survivor" on some random vent post on the internet

My best friend ever is a completely different person and all she wants to talk about is her ex-girlfriend who she broke up with months ago and I still love her dearly but shit's just feeling really one sided and no matter how I try and shift the conversation it always goes back to her and her ex

I'm still living at home for college and I'm sharing space with a lot of people and I'm just realizing my family really doesn't know how to talk to each other. I know we love each other but I really don't think we like each other and if we didn't live in the same house none of us would ever be friends

My brother is falling back into the cult we were raised in. My family is still part of that religion, just not the cult aspect, we left, but he's getting really intense about it again. He has scriptures written on this like wall sized whiteboard and he wears a jesus necklace and he preaches to me about sin and how important missions are and church is. And it's just getting really fucking weird and i'm being forced to grapple with all the religious shit I don't like to think about ever

I'm never invited to hang out with friend group. In fact, they specifically uninvite me from these/invite everyone but me to my face half the time. the other half of the time they lie about being busy and then post pictures of them all together

I feel somewhat unloveable and really really fucking unlikable. Like I'm a nuisance to everyone I try to talk to and they just speak to me like I'm fucking stupid and I'm not getting something that they all already know.

All my safe foods taste like fucking garbage. and when you're recovered from an ED and you're autistic and adhd with hella sensory issues that's not a good thing. So I'm not really eating unless someone puts something on a plate in front of me.

I haven't been actively suicidal in a hot minute but the passive suicide ideation is definitely still a major problem and I'm trying to redirect destructive habits but it's really hard when nothing's in my control and I have nothing but those things to control despite knowing it's not good for me.

I'm just fucked up right now and becoming an adult and graduating and having to start all over basically has really just made it hit that I don't actually have the support system I thought I did and that makes it feel like I haven't been doing as good as I thought I was and maybe I didn't make very much progress at all and I've just been tricking myself into thinking that I'm healing and moving on and getting better when in fact I've just been stuck in the same place. And I really don't know how to function as a person out in the world without my usual structure and routines and people and having that change is really fucking scary

#probably don't read unless you want to deal with me #but tws just in case #tw sa mention #tw suicide ideation #tw ed #delete later

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starjxsung · 5 months

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So I'm in progress of putting my baby up for adoption due to some personal issues but when I I told my somewhat church group (I say that because I don't exactly believe everything they.....say because I raised as a Baptist) anyway when I told them I'm going through a Christian adoption they said "make sure you have from someone from Jehovah witnesses to adopt your baby because that's God's way) I was shocked when I heard that...because I don't necessarily see myself as a Christian. I'm a fellower of Jesus. To me Christian is a religion while following Jesus is faith.

Ever sense than I've been pulling away from JW because....it feels weird how they can say that......

P.s I used to be Wiccan before turning to Jesus 😅 so I believe alot of things I just follow one God

Hi my angel 🫶

I’m so sorry you’re going through something so difficult. I commend you for doing what you know will be right for you and the baby in the end, and it’s so important that you continue to do what you know is right without the skewed opinions of other people.

You know what’s right for you and the appropriate decision to make. Don’t let your church group make any decisions for you- it’s most important to find a family who’s going to love and nurture that child, and the religious views of whichever family you decide to go with do not matter as long as they are the right family. You know what’s right for you- don’t let your church group pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with. Be very attentive to red flags when you see them raised and don’t be afraid to pull away from your group if you feel like they’re not fostering a safe and accepting environment for you. They cannot simultaneously preach teachings of love while also pushing you to make a decision you’re not comfortable with.

I’m SO proud of you for voicing your concerns, putting yourself first and doing what you know is going to be the right thing in the end. Don’t be so hard on yourself even if religion feels tough to navigate right now!

Sending you all my love and wishing you a safe and healthy delivery. Always here if you need to talk or need some advice, I love you lots 🫶💓

#anon <3 #ask

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rikeijo · 1 year

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Today's translation #262

Febri vol. 40. Kubo Mitsurou's interview

Part 8.

--- I see [in previous part, she talked about how they weren't able to find anything that could become the core of the story].

"And just then, a certain skater told us: "For me, it is possible to skate for love". In case of that person, by love they probably meant their lover and that even if they are far away from each other, thinking about that lover gives them the strength to give their best, and that's what helps them get results. When we heard that, both me and the Director were in a state of shock, almost like struck by a lighting. We got it - surely, it means that on the ice a lot of figure skaters express things like their overwhelming love or sex appeal etc. I have never written a story about giving your best for the sake of love in such a straightforward way, but I thought that if I were to challenge myself with writing such a story, this series is the only chance. It's a theme that we could tackle especially, because it's an anime about this sport called figure skating and after all, it is a classic in fiction to link love and sport together. Yuuri Katsuki doesn't skate only for his love, but also to give a statement for Victor's and all other loves, and because of that, the strong desire to get the gold medal was added into the mix - this became the central element that keeps everything in the story together. I believed that no matter what expression of love it would be, if you really put your heart into the work, it's going to be interesting [for the audience]. What was important to me and Yamamoto Director, was not the question of "Whom this show is going to reach?", but how to make the show powerful enough to make it reach even further - expressing this bond called "love" was one way do to that.

--- This is also reflected in how the characters that appear in the story are like and in the lines they speak.

"I wanted to carefully portray the passion and single-mindedness that are the essential qualities of competitors. That's why, some of the lines I've included are so strong they feel like a punch to the head, and I also wanted to draw facial expressions and situations that may seem surprising. I feel that I gave my best in this department, bringing out my own style as much I could without hurting the main story-line.

[Notes: If it sounds like a word salad, then it's because she's really dancing around the elephant in the room here. Every time Mitsurou tries to explain why she made two men exchange rings in front of a church it sounds like this.

Jp anime industry has this problem that any portrayal of same-sex attraction in mainstream anime is automatically associated with fujos and fanservice, but if you think about it, it's really, really weird...

The only connection of majority of fujos to the LGBT+ community is that they love to watch gay p0rn. And yet all expressions of queerness in mainstream media are hijacked by fujos, as something that is made for them and meant to naturally be consumed by them (fujos are the majority compared to LGBT+ fans, so this is probably the main reason why). I've talked about this before, but this is why in Jp, YoI has the reputation of being a fujo pandering anime and not a show with gay representation.

Sometimes you see people, who seem to genuinely care about representation in media, call YoI a queerbait, and as a fan who strongly believes that it's meant to be a genuine same-sex romance, it makes me really sad, but at the same time watching the creators always dance around this huge elephant in the room... I can definitely see why somebody can think that.

I'd wish so much to one day be able to hear Sayo and Mitsurou or maybe other staff members talk about the story they created (because you can really tell that they try very much to avoid commenting on "those scenes that may be surprising", like "that one scene at the end of episode 7") without the burden of having to fit into this narrative that is supported not only by the general homophobia in the industry, but also by the fans themselves, that genuine same-sex sexual, romantic attraction == "bad and abnormal and it makes us feel uncomfortable that the characters might be really gay, but we can't control who puts his bits where", but fujo fanservice and pandering is acceptable, because money/it's obvious the creators should cater to us, how dare they not to, it's all for us after all!

(Just to be clear, I always mean in my rants fujos == people who are obsessed with semes and ukes and gender norms, so much that they basically transform their "same-sex" ship into a heterosexual ship, and who basically view same-sex attraction as nothing but their fetish. This is still the norm in Jp fandom, although don't think that there aren't any people, who think it should be changed. But I'm absolutely not trying to say that all people who read BL are like that.) ]

#yuri on ice #yoi translations #yuri on ice translation

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glocodile · 8 months

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Something that just has been on my mind lately is that art doesn’t need a reason to exist. I’ve noticed that a good chunk of the people who get wayy too into media discourse are artists themselves. Like Steven Universe’s biggest critics seem to be other artists, especially animators/aspiring animators. And I understand this, as someone who’s about to graduate from art school this spring. Me and many of my peers have a lot of opinions about art, if that’s something you study then you probably will.

But I also think it comes from this desire for art to be important. I’d say about a quarter of people in art school will say that they just want stuff to look cool. Most really want their work to be important and to feel important. Representation in media NEEDS to be one of the top issues for them because it’s one of the few ways that they, as an artist, can feel like they’re contributing to society.

Art has existed for as long as humans have existed. It existed when there was much more food scarcity, when there was a lot more daily struggle for our own survival. Art always manages to exist in society even when there’s more important tasks to do.

I think a lot of my peers would get defensive over the question if art is as needed as say a doctor or farmer. And I would ask instead, does art need to be needed? Does it need to justify its existence?

There’s something very capitalist about this way of thinking, part of the philosophy that has seeped into art and religion. I consider myself a non-denominational Christian, but I was baptized in and currently go to a Seventh Day Adventist church. There’s some things I agree with them on and some things I don’t.

At some point I decided I wanted a necklace with a cross on it, and eventually got a rosary from a street artist and I wear it nearly every day that I go outside. Once I wore it to church and someone just a bit older than me, I’d guess early millennial/late gen X (I’m a millennial-gen Z cusper), told me how when he was younger, members of the SDA church weren’t supposed to wear any necklaces, even cross necklaces. People would hide it and put it on after leaving the house and take it off before going home.

I asked him if that was a gender thing and he said no, it was that everything had to have utility. If you proposed to someone, you were supposed to give a watch instead of a ring, because a watch has a purpose that isn’t just decorative.

Of course in modern times it’s a bit different and no one really cares that much. But it is something that ties into that “Protestant work ethic” and how capitalists treat art and religion.

The concept of everything needing to be utilitarian is so anti-Christianity (and likely anti-spirituality in general) if you really think about it. Jesus didn’t only turn water into wine, he turned it into GOOD wine (John 2:10). There’s a lot in scripture that suggests that we’re meant to get joy out of life.

It’s also so insidious to some core beliefs about Christianity. SDAs take the Sabbath very seriously, I mean they named themselves after it. They emphasize it as a day of rest. I can use my baptism certificate to get out of working on a Saturday if my boss tries to make me. That concept is already in conflict with capitalism. It also reminds me of that one atheist meme that I see floating around sometimes, talking about the collective hours that Christians spend in church every year, and how that time could be better spent building houses or whatever. And like, people who are otherwise anti-capitalist post it, implying that if something isn’t “productive” enough that we shouldn’t have it?

I often lightheartedly say that one thing I agree with Catholics with is their aesthetics. Like yes a lot of the iconic architecture was commissioned as a response to the Protestant reformation in order to attract more people into the church, but churches having room for “frivolous” things like art is something we need. It’s very much capitalist influence on Christianity that causes the emphasis on nonstop productivity and utility.

Not to mention all of the other anti-capitalist Christian messages like giving to the poor and whatnot, having time to rest and enjoy your life is something constantly devalued in capitalist society. And that extends to how we treat art.

This doesn’t mean that the meaning in art doesn’t matter, the themes are part of what makes a story interesting to me, and being mindful of the messages you perpetuate is important. But you don’t have to justify your existence as an artist. You don’t need to feel like someone would die without your work. You can just do things that bring yourself joy. I really think we’re meant to, and if you’re not religious or spiritual then you also exist the same way plants or animals or anything exists. You can just be.

#I have like 2 followers and I don’t expect a lot of people to see this #I’ve just had a lot of thoughts on this lately and I needed to put it out somewhere #just telling people in DMs or flooding a discord server with it just doesn’t do it

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the-trans-folk-witch · 1 year

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An untimely intro: Numb and hollow

Howdy folks!👋

This “blog” or cringey tumblr page is a battle cry at best- maybe a cry for help at worst. A plague of words ensues…

Grammar, punctuation and clever wording misses me despite being educated on writing formal statements/grants at a postgraduate level 🤡. Enjoy the occasional plot twist, gobsmack, misplaced comma, and tone-deaf emoji use. This “blog” is a mix of occult texts, free books, zines, and works made by me and others. It is a crossroads of formalities and comedic slander. And the occasional look into my thoughts.

I’m sure anyone reading this already knows me from Instagram and my now late podcast of the same name as this blog. So I won’t waste your time reintroducing myself and my goals. You know my brand, and roughly, my views despite how they may have changed since we last spoke. My goal here is to write more and slowly ease into the release of my first book and my second zine. I want to relive my edgy tumblr days with a more anarchistic approach than before. I invite you to join me. maybe this will help me learn how to avoid run-on sentences… or what fonts the public will judge me for using. (Comic sans girlies rise up). Perhaps I’ll learn to use parentheses and dashes correctly for once. Time will tell.

Now that I’ve fed you an over-cooked appetizer, let’s move on to the meat of the discussion. This is an update on my writings of the Guardian Angel and the other texts I have been forming. It has been a year in the making and hopefully I will be done with it this summer. It will not be long. It is a free book styled to appear as a cheesy church pamphlet. It is UPG laced with the some dogma from the Catholic church and the occasional hint of Protestant revivalist churches from the hills. I plan to reinvigorate the use or relation to the Holy Guardian Angel (HGA) in a roundabout way that incapsulates my own practice while leaving room for yours. I want it to be used as a guide, But not as a Bible. Hopefully it will come across as well as I intend for it to. It has been harder than I imagined.

Now for the long term plans for this blog. As of now, my podcast is on hold. So consider this it’s child despite the difference between my written voice and my informal speaking voice. The podcast is canned. Possibly forever. I may come back to it. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe years from now. I’m sure you all caught onto that. I have removed most every episode. The only ones available are ones that I had friends guest star in. Thank you to all of you who helped me become who I am today in this community. Even though as of now my following is only 500-600 people, it’s bigger than I’ve ever been anywhere before. I’m rather private. In fact that’s why I’ve removed most of my podcast. As many have been told, I have been receiving a lot of hateful messages from terfs and neo-pagans. Topics such as transphobia and anti-folk-catholic shit has taken over my inbox on many platforms. However, this is not the only reason I’m stepping back from my podcast. I recently graduated from school and I am working on my career. I have decided to make myself less accessible to the public for my mental health but also to focus on privatizing my practice. I want to revolutionize my followers and to have proper discussions surrounding witchcraft that make people uncomfortable. I want an interaction that my podcast could not allow. I want to write in lengths and words that Instagram does not allow. I feel as though I’ve lost my voice since my early college days when I wrote daily. I hope to strengthen my bonds with those I’ve met online while closing myself off to those who I do not trust. Making a public blog is not the way to go about that I’m aware. But who uses tumblr? 😂. This is a starting place. I may one day put a price tag on my writing. Definitely for my other books and zines I have been working on this past year. But until then, enjoy my ramblings.

Dialogue is always welcome. Oh, and don’t make a fumblr account just for me. My blog is accessible on a browser without a log in. I’m not chasing likes. I’m just typing into the void.

The trans folk witch, out ✌️ 💋.

#traditional witchcraft #folk witchcraft #folk catholicism #transgender witches #ozark magic #big tiddy gf #esoteric bimbo

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rk-ocs · 8 months

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As Assassins creed shared a world with Watch dogs, and part of the premise was the (time) travelers changed things with their actions, in this AU, Lenna Pearce lived. And Also was Aroace.

Heres a storyshot of her telling that story to Red in the hospital.

---

Lena's tale

---

In where Lena tells Red a story that is a bit to personal to tell Desmond, an Red is everyone's goddamned sounding board, at some point.

Sometime when I was recovering Aidens niece, Lena, came to me, wanting to talk. I put aside my sketchbook, because she wanted my full attention. She looked really nervous, and it was strange seeing her like that. I was confused. Had we had a fight? Was I going to revive an apology for a fight that I Haden't participated in?

She sat down, and told me a story. Sort of.

Red closed her eyes, seeing if she could remember that story.

Her Audio memory was pretty good.

-------

August 18 2029

"Let me tell you about how I discovered I identify as Ace Aro, and what lead up to that.

I sort of want to tell you, not because I think my family will be upset with me, but because I want to tell someone who isn't always there first. Your close without being constant and if this doesn't go well, I'm pretty sure you will keep it Quiet, and won't be mean to younger me. You've usually tried to keep your biases out of business, its simply not professional.

Sometimes I feel I put my foot in my mouth, and only realize after it is sent. I stare at the screen, an worry it will damage your opinion of me, because I like you, an I want you to feel the same. I don't want to send something you don't care about, or worse hate. I feel that way about almost everyone at times.

Id like to claim this is from a story. I sort of have it in story format, kind of, because it is. I am a storyteller. Stories are not just told in words. They are told in movies, and painting, and drawing, and singing, and dancing, and acting, video games, and mime. There are countless ways to tell a story.

Now Im getting really off track. Sorry.

-----

When I was little, I was all caught up in the ideas of it. Movie ideas. Love was a big thing, I got that. I wanted one. When I was in church daycare I met a guy and I decided he was it. We were friends, we hit it off, played at each others houses. I told him I loved him. My fist kiss was probably with my second cousin. It was like movies. My second kiss was with a girl pre grade four , (we were playing shreck. She was Fiona. She sort of insisted she would tell if me or my brother didn't, and it was strange.

As I grew up the guy I decided was it, we were on off friends. We became closer in high school, in an English class with some other friends, but I was always weird with him because of that past. I still feel strange about that.

You see, as I went from grade-school trough middle-school and high school, I saw a lot of relationships, and found, I didn't understand them. I'm not always a fan of being causally touched by strangers, how would closer work? Why Would I want sex? No really, I didn't get why people would want that.

Relationships seemed strangely complex, and I was realizing , I didn't like people like that. I didn't want someone like that. I wanted to be me.

Maybe I want a platonic partner. Someone Im comfortable enough with to lie on their stomach, as a preheated pillow. Cuddle.

My first kind of sex experience was with my best friend. It was sort of explore, before I realized I wasn't really into this, we stopped, agreed never to bring this up again, and are perfectly cool with each other. Sometimes Im a little weird it was her, but Im glad it was her, because she is my best friend, and I can't see figuring that out going over anywhere near as well with anyone else. I'm Asexual, probably disinterested. I can't imagine myself going all the way with anyone, and other people talking about it makes me feel, I don't care. I don't want to know. Stop talking to me about this. I am not one for romantic tendencies.

I ship, but Im pretty likely to mock most Romance parts of the novel in some way. Although I did like tris and Four in the divergent series. I don't really feel Katniss had much of a romance going on in the hunger games, it was more "a battle to the death, in an Arena, with someone who has a crush on you, followed up by your best friend who also have in a crush on you. Your curious, but also more concerned with your surviving the death trap. You feel something for the boy with the crush, you can't escape a death arena together without building a bond, but I don't think it turned romantic until offscreen, and Katniss is probably kind of Demisomething."

I have never really cared about genders. I identify as girl, but I don't feel compelled to be feminine. I stopped likening nail polish, because I liked having my nails smooth and strong. I was the kind of kid who had to make up crushes when someone asked because I had none.

I had not intended to date anyone, because I had realized I really didn't want to. In the year of high school I took, to try and figure things (and thankfully discovered I did not like exercise science and did not want to be a massage therapist) , I meet, well I'm going to call him dude.

I met Dude in the library before class, with some other guys. We all cheated, the bell rang. I stayed a bit longer talking , and bitched about how bad my day was going, and to make it worse I was on my period. Because, apparently I needed to vent to a stranger. Sometimes that happens. I have terrible timing. Anyway, dude took it pretty well, and that seemed good.

He seemed to want to be friends. We talked a lot. I taught him to play some card games in the library. He loaned me two DS games. I went to his house to play games sometimes, and sometimes he came to my place.

I think the dynamic started to change when he started showing up at my classes. He started trying for contact. Hand on my thigh, sort of thing. I'm not big on contact. I can accept hugs, though I do better with warning. I was fine hugging him, or as fine as I am hugging most people who aren't that close. (I think I would happily, if a tad awkwardly at times, hug you Grace in life, no worries, just give me some time). I did feel a bit awkward about Dude doing that, but tried to ignore it for the sake of friendship.

He showed up in my classes to talk, to my dance practices, and I kind of had the feeling he liked me and was being purposefully oblivious, I think.

One day, I was working on an art project over lunch, and He showed up and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. He had indirectly broached the topic in a past talk, where I had mentioned I was fairly certain I was ace Aro.

I said no. He told me I couldn't be certain of that, if I had never dated anyone before. We talked/argued it over lunch, and eventually I said yes. We tried holding hands later that day, and I discovered I find it bizarre. Why do people do that? Where is the appeal.

As boyfriend the routine changed a bit. He still showed up to classes to talk to me, but when he left, he kissed me on the cheek. I blushed and didn't know what I should feel about that. It seemed sweet, but I didn't really want it, and didn't know, should I stop it? Would that be rude?

We still gamed at each others houses, and he came to my Dance recitals. I didn't want him there, because dancing was Mine, but I didn't know how to say it. I refused to let him touch my hair, because I don't like anyone but my parents touching my head. Otherwise I think of head-lice or hairdressers. It's just strange. My brother hated people touching his head too, but I used to ruffle his hair anyways, because I was his bratty younger sister. I called him and his hair, fluffy, and It annoyed him so much. He hated it. I think that was a sibling privilege.

One time he tried to go for the first kiss, but we turned to fast and our noses bumped. I laughed it off, and he laughed and admitted that was not how he intended that to turn out.

(He didn't try again)

Our first date had us going downtown to some places I like. We had BBQ pork (both separate ) and went to David's Tea. We took turns paying, I insist on paying people back, even if I'm a bit low. At a pawn shop, I bought myself a used DS. He tried to pay for it, but I insisted.

He gave me a bag of Queen of Tarts blend (from said tea store, I like that tea store, and will try to make all guests and people I meet a loose leaf blend) now I don't drink that blend (but I still eat BBQ pork. No one will make me give up BBQ pork). I feel sheepish whenever I drink that blend.

He was a nice guy, I was just not wanting to be a girlfriend.

I don't know how to break up with people.

He asked me to text him over the summer. I am not always the best at keeping in touch with people I like, though I think I'm improving sort of.

Losing my was an accident. I couldn't text anyone.

I didn't have his number anymore. I couldn't remember If I actually knew the way to his house.

I saved money for two years intending to buy an sort of apology cake.

A small part of me picked my collage because he was going to my other first choice. I have never regretted that. My collage was awesome.

I love collage.

Last, I still have his games. I feel weird whenever I take them out to play them. Even though I got my own Version , and I can play that fine, I just still feel sort of bad about accidentally sweatering him out of games.

I felt weird about him for a Long time. Still sort of do sometimes. "

------

Actually the story she told is a bit too personal to be telling to you. Just know that I gave her a hug, and she snuck peanut brittle into the hospital for me, for listening.

#aromantic #aroace #arospec #writing #red jordan ryan #original character #desmond miles #watch dogs #assassins creed #lena pearce #first person perspective #first person pov

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