#god i should not be berating myself for not writing right now but i can't stop

[hiraya-rawr]

hello! i've been following u for quite some time now and i rlly love the way u write!! 🫶 i'm a fellow writer but i'm still comtemplating if i should open a writing blog bcos english is not my first language. sorry i feel like this suddenly turned into a rant/vent message 😣 anyway, the reason i wrote to u is to share smth that's been on my mind for a lil while now! have u watched kimi ni todoke? i recently finished the anime + manga and i rlly loved the whole series! i can't stop myself simping for sawako and it's kinda ironic since in these kinds of romance anime, u typically get hung up with the male lead but it was the opposite for me! kazehaya is sure charming but my little darling sawako is so adorable im willing to burn the world for her 😞 okay i got sidetracked again sorry for my simp ass jdkwkxiw

so i've been thinking of sawako!reader that works for the kamisato clan. long, black hair that usually hides her face — she's kinda feared amongst the workers inside the kamisato estate. always mistaken as a ghost or spirit that roams around the estate when in fact, she's just trying to finish her job. rumors about her seem to worsen everyday that even the loyal and trusted retainer of the head, thoma, thinks it's kind of ridiculous. of course, our ever charming blonde boy tries to interact more with the reader but he feels like he was hated. don't get her wrong tho, she admires thoma so much! who wouldn't? he's lively, respectful and always seemed to be the center of attention, even amongst the maidens that work for the kamisato. she strives to be a person just like him but the reader understands that she somehow scares the people she tries to talk with. worry not, she isn't discouraged by this! she simply has to try next time right? there's always a next time (tho she couldn't help but wonder, when is this next time? why does it take so long?). little did she know, her life's going to be changed when the gentleman himself took it upon his hands to properly talk and get to know her. little by little, her life changed and she even managed to befriend the lady of the house, lady ayaka! the ever kind and loving younger sibling of the kamisato household, ayaka made it her life mission to try and make the reader smile. no one had seen her smile genuinely, and frankly speaking, even thoma and ayaka felt the chills run down their spines when they tried to force her one time to give them a smile. it's safe to say that they never tried it again. ayaka did succeed and it took only a game of hotpot to see how much of a beautiful maiden the reader was, especially with that eyes filled with stars. and archons, the way her lips curl into a small and satisfied smile, thoma suddenly had the urge to keep this smile, only for him to see because gods this girl is so heavenly he was sure others would stop and stare. his eyes widen when he realized his train of thoughts, cheeks burning in embarassment as he berated himself because why would he even try to keep the reader for himself? he's so stupid (and whipped yes, don't tell him i said that), he thought as he silently squirmed in his seat. no one but ayaka noticed the whole ordeal, hiding her own smile behind her fan. oh the fun she would have watching these two, especially her retainer. the pining, the awkward yet satisying interactions, the stealing and fleeting glances—oh, she's so excited! (ayaka is me fr). she can't wait to spill all of these to her brother!

so yeah haha that's all for now, i think i got carried away with this brainrot im so sorry kwkxiwjd

— 🫶

I haven't watched kimi ni todoke! i actually haven't been able to watch anything lately other than bungo stray dogs and moriarty 😭 but this is a scrumptious brainrot, dw about the rant, thank you for sending this in!

[mahpaiam]

November 26, 2022

I don't know why but I feel so sad today. I feel like everyone is moving around me but I just cannot reach out. I stand stone faced, just listening to all the berating and yelling. It just keeps going and i feel like just a body. I don't know what to do. Some days it just feels like I cannot feel anything and I am just, well, there.

I'm too scared to write down how I feel because God will get mad at me for complaining. I just want to be able to release the emotions in a way that isn't negative and move on. My mom just keeps talking at me and i feel like i'm sinking deeper and deeper into myself when she does.

I pray so much, all the time. I beg, cry, and sending longing looks to the sky. I say new words and phrases, expose more vulnerability. I bleed and I bleed. I don't know what to do. I wish I could stop feeling this way. I just want to stop hurting, and to actually feel something happy.

I'm not looking for a transaction, i just want to feel happy.

I feel like a phony. Someone told me they could see I loved God very much. How could I when all I do is make mistakes? I can't stop making mistakes. I can't stop paying for my mistakes. I'm trying so hard, it feels so unfair when I see others live such happy lives without even trying and I'm sobbing and praying every night for that.

I know God has blessed me indefinitely, but I wish this disease would go away. I want to stop feeling sad. I want my mom to stop yelling all the time at me. I want to exist without every move costing me an arm and a leg. I want to be able to make mistakes and not be reprimanded so surmount-ably. I want to stop feeling so sad.

I want my Mom to stop reading through my diary. I want my privacy to stop being invaded. I want to stop feeling like my diary entries will cost me lots of happiness. I am just venting but it feels like I'm punished after for feeling sad. When will this sadness stop taking me as its victim.

There is a great sadness that exists and lives inside my chest. I don't know how to get it out and I wish it didn't choose me as its final resting place.

I want to be happy so so so bad. I will smile as much as it takes.

There is so much going on in my head and i want this weariness to end.

I know my mom means well. She took 12 units while raising me and two other kids. I should be more grateful. But sometimes I am just so tired of all the criticism. I just want to cry without it costing me. I need something.

Meanwhile, with love, I am so tired. I feel like I am not deserving of being loved by someone, so the thought makes me so tired. I don't feel like I deserve to try, but I just want to be happy. This has happened so many times. I have so much baggage I am scared no one will love me at all. or that they could. I'm scared someone will get tired of all my scheming, all my anger, all my hurt, and just leave. I'm scared I could never find someone who likes me for me, who sees me for me and still does not want to leave. Life will somehow again turn of its lights and lose all meanings. This time for real.

I'm looking at a few things I did in highschool. Music I enjoyed, hobbies I had, activities I did. Man was I sad. I don't think I ever want to be that sad again. That kind of hurt is not something you'd survive for the second time

I have this wild thought of comparison of my life to a tv show with seasons. I'm on the college seasons right now, especially the second year. It's starting to get long and I have a fan base but dwindling viewers. LOL.

Idk, I want to end off on a joyful note. Hopefully, and I say that with the earnest of intentions, I will be happier.

Hopefully Joe and I will be dating... LOL, my parents will be nicer, i get all a's, and I'm much happier with friends..

HOPEFULLY

And also that I'd pray more and have better faith. That's always a hopeful.

[libraryleopard]

really experiencing writer’s block pro™ right now which is fun because i don’t know if it’s caused by a) increasing panic that i don’t remember how to write fiction after writing nothing but poetry and fan fiction for a full year b) the full load of college coursework i’m still doing that divides my time into either “doing schoolwork” or “procrastinating unhappily on doing schoolwork” c) weird internalized uneasiness about writing a queer story at home with a lovingly nosy father whom i’m not out to??? d) simple laziness or e) the literal pandemic consuming the world around us

[fuck-customers]

cheap shoe store girl again. the assistant manager just came back after her two week leave of absence she took for her "mental health" during the freaking christmas rush (december 22-january 7).

it's been a long two weeks for me. i've been forced to cover most of the shifts and act as a manager which i have particularly been trained for. instead of having someone to ask for help from, i was the one figuring out scheduling conflicts with associates and making sure the store ran smoothly and telling the guy who was assigned our fill in store manager after january 1 what we need ordered (like paper towels and stuff). and like, despite how exhausted i was—to the point i was laying on the ground behind the register on sunday night and i needed help getting up because i was too sore to move—i worked through it, reminding myself that my paycheck was going to be absolutely kicking it and i really needed the money.

then, i go into work yesterday, the first day the assistant manager is back. she immediately berates me for not flipping the shoes or making my associate flip them (i had K, my associate, flip one aisle before i told her she could stop because i wasn't about to make her do all the work as i laid on the freaking ground) and tells me she had to pick up so much trash (which is complete bullshit considering i vacuumed the entire store and K went around and made sure anything left was picked up and thrown away as well as i literally took out the trash). she even writes this stupid note for me

i try explaining to her that 1) K and I were literally dead on our feet as we had been covering most of the shifts for two weeks straight 2) despite how bad our sales were it was super freaking busy and 3) we got fifty boxes of shipment last thursday and K and i were trying to process all of that by ourselves.

AM immediately tells me she doesn't care because she wasn't here and that i would be "flipping the store twice today" as a result. i stared at her and then proceeded to not flip the store. eventually i try to catch her up on the happenings of the store and she kind of just....... doesn't care.

she keeps saying that she hates this job and that she's actively looking for a new one and she's done here blah blah blah. i don't care tbh. if she leaves i'm probably going to be given her job which means a $3 pay raise which i definitely need. but then i try and tell her that our fill in store manager wants us to text him our request offs (which is what he told me when i wrote it down for him because i have to work my little brothers swim meet) and AM immediately tells me, "no offense, but i'm not listening to anything someone below me has to say anymore. if someone higher up wants to tell me something than they can tell me themselves but i don't feel comfortable with an associate telling me what to do."

that's great. i still have seniority over you as i've been here longer and i do most of your job for you anyway.

literally most of the time i work with her she's just sitting in the back room on her phone and making me run the store. i'm just so? frustrated? and i started nannying in the morning again today so by the time i needed to start getting ready for work (which is a couple of hours before my shift for me because i like having time to mess around) i was just filled with this massive sense of dread. i didn't want to go in, i'm exhausted, i haven't slept properly in s month, i'm having a lot of chronic back pain today, and i just don't want to have to put up with my AM today. so i talk to my best friend and i talk to my mom and they both tell me i should call off

the thing is i've never once called off my job in the seven months i've been working here. i'm typically the one to cover other people's shifts when they call off so i wasn't entirely sure what to do. i was going to ask the stores other key carrier if she could cover but i didn't have her phone number and i know her availability is extremely limited since she's back in college right now (and i took this semester off so i could save money for school) so instead i call the store. the AM asks why i'm calling off so i make some lie up about how my mom's sick and i have to pick my brother up from school and ferry him to and from swim practice, and she asks if i can come in after i get him from school. i say no because he has swim at 6pm.

instead of saying something along the lines of "okay have a good day" or whatever she IMMEDIATELY starts throwing a fit, telling me that i've worked here longer than her and i should KNOW that the policy is i need to cover my own shift when someone calls off (which is complete BS because that's managements job, not mine), and she asks if i called the other key carrier. i tell AM i don't have the girls number so i couldn't contact her and instead of saying "okay i'll ask her myself then" AM starts whining that now SHE has to stay until close and she's just being completely immature and rude about the entire situation.

first off she can't even ask me for a reason to call off, i'm legally not obligated to give one. second off this is the first time i've called off ever. third off WE HAVE OTHER EMPLOYEES? she's literally just victimizing herself so after she hung up i texted the district manager and the DM said she'd come in and cover my shift for me (thank god) and i'm glad that's settled and i feel a lot better not having to go to work, but the AM is really starting to piss me off. she's an adult like i am and SHE applied for her job. she needs to start acting like an adult and do her job properly instead of expecting me to do it for her

tldr; assistant manager can't handle her job responsibilities and takes it out on me just because i've worked there the longest