#god you just Know they're gonna make him american too. ugh ugh ugh

[mori-no-majou]

preemptively doing my research

[bizarrelittlemew]

okay. i just watched the movie Snakeskin (2001). i bought a physical dvd in the year of our lord 2024 because Taika has 6.5 minutes of screentime in it. and now i'm sitting here trying to process wtf i just watched asjdhfdjsk so here are the highlights (thank you Meow @blakbonnet for going through this experience with me)

first of all, enjoy these screenshots from the trailer (i'm still not sure if they're mandatory disclaimers?):

...but say yes to snake imagery, because there will be a lot of it

we are definitely in 2001. this is extremely apparent throughout the whole movie. but especially from this girl's hair

Taika's character (Nelson) and his girlfriend (Daisy, pictured above) drive around in a repurposed ice cream truck and sell drugs btw. it's called Mr. Trippy.

main character Alice (Melanie Lynskey) is a huge fan of ✨America✨. her best friend is in love with her but she only wants Bad Boys. also said friend's name is Johnny but it's actually Craig

ALSO Craig-slash-Johnny is played by Dean O'Gorman (Fili)??!?!?!?

their hobby is to drive around picking up hitchhikers but only those who look not boring

enter The American. this guy is the most American you have ever seen. americans wish they could be as American as this guy. no one else has ever Americaned harder.

as you can see, i'm not lying. he even says "howdy ma'am" so we're convinced he is a real American

three skinheads are after The American because he stole their drugs (i think). he also stole drugs from Nelson and Daisy, who now owe money and/or drugs to their boss, who also has beef with The American for reasons i'm still not totally sure of

The American not only steals drugs and money, he also has a real gun(!!!) and fucks pretty much everyone?

"darlin'. u gotta earn the raaaiht. ter wear snakeskins 😎"

oh my god the sunglasses emoji just reminded me of the fucking sunglasses oh no i'm not sure i can do this akjsdhjsk this will make sense later i promise

do not learn gun safety from this movie

at one point, there is a whole lotta sheep. we are, after all, in Aotearoa New Zealand. and ok this had the cutest moment of Taika yelling "SHEEPY" out of a car

there's a scene where uhm. uhhh no not gonna describe this i think but. yeah fair warning this movie has some period-typical homophobia let's just say 💀 this is the live reaction:

MOVING ON

if you enjoy the 2000s aesthetic of "look how edgy we are doing drugs" *colorful-haired people on couches in dark club* *echo-y laugh* *hallucinations* *it's mushrooms look it's mushrooms we're doing psychedelics* then this is the movie for you my friend

oh and Alice also did acid at some point while being very "i've totally done drugs before" about it (((doubt)))

GIRL GET UP FROM THAT DIRTY BATHROOM FLOOR

[New Zealand accent] "wow. six and acid." yes she is living all her american dreams as you can see

by nighttime, all three cars (main characters, mr. trippy, and the nazimobile) and the motorcycle (mr. drug boss) have made it pretty far up the mountain, it seems. cute moment between mr. drug boss and nelson. look how :D he is!

but you know a movie with Taika in it needs to have a father figure talk down to him so he gets very 🥺 right after this

lots of shit goes down (i won't spoil too much if by any chance you still want to watch this) and it turns out that the older skinhead guy is the best actor in the movie??

and NOW things get weird

Craig and The American have so much beef by now that they decide to solve it by russian roulette

Alice's reaction to this is something like "ugh, you guys are crazy, i can't watch this 🙄"

like she just walks away?? GIRL THEY'RE AIMING A REAL GUN AT EACH OTHER

she keeps COMPLETELY UNDERREACTING TO WHAT IS HAPPENING like (spoilers from now on) CRAIG IS SHOT AND KILLED and she doesn't even run over and she doesn't even say anything to The American?? WHO SHOT HIM???? he's just standing there??

and then. AND THEN.

ok this is where i fully lost it for several minutes and missed half the following scene. i was fucking HOWLING like actually crying with laughter, i couldn't see or breathe and my partner got worried ksjdhfdjsk ok so here's what happens

they're in the car. craig is obviously very dead. alice is kinda in denial i guess. The American tells her to shut his eyes and she's like why? BECAUSE HE DEAD GIRL!! but she doesn't, she doesn't shut his eyes, no, this is what she does instead

I COULD BARELY MAKE THIS GIF BECAUSE I KEPT LAUGHING TO THE POINT OF TEARS

NOT THE SUNGLASSES ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. THE UNTAPPED MEME POTENTIAL HERE IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS

ANYWAY shortly after this we hear one of the funniest lines in the movie (and it's not even about the shooting and killing of Craig):

"fuck, Seth! this isn't fucking America, you can't just go around shooting everybody!"

oh yeah The American does have a name and it's Seth

i'll just post a few chat screenshots for the next part because i can't really describe it, i promise we're almost at the end

after some incredible visual effects™️, we end with Return of the Sunglasses (and me scaring my cats away because i was sobbing again)

i haven't even really talked about Taika's scenes much (the reason i watched this in the first place) because the ending took me OUT and honestly he is maybe the most normal person in this whole movie. one review (from the trailer) wrote this:

and yeah that may honestly be the best way to describe it. 10/10 movie watching experience, highly recommend. thank you for coming to my snek talk

[sherwoodknights]

SP 1999 EPISODE 5 LIVEBLOG

And thus begins the final 2 parter of the series!!!!

Uh oh its 1794 and they're at an orphanage in paris

I'm gonna get my heart ripped out by the Dauphin aren't I goddammit

THE KIDS CALLING HIM YOUR MAJESTY LMAOOO

MY POOR BOY STOP SHOUTING AT HIM

I don't care what version of the story it is, I can and will get emotional over the Dauphin

LEAVE THE CHILD ALONE HES A LITERAL CHILD STOP MAKING HIM INSULT HIS PARENTS FFS

Who is the spooky man in the mask

Richard E Grant are you the spooky man in the mask

HE JUST FULL ON PUNCHED A WOMAN IN THE FACE AND STABBED A MAN IM NOT SO SURE THATS RICHARD E GRANT

Transformers wishes it has explosions like this

Awww percy being nice to the painter what a king

Women in pretty dresses yes please <3333

Marguerite in red dress is GORGEOUSSSS

Suzanne is also gorgeous for the record

PERCY AND MARGOT STOP HAVING FIGHTS IN FRONT OF THE PRINCE

SHES LEAVING HIM?????

Please tell me that was all part of a plan

I do not care if you are the Prince of England sir you will not touch my wife

Oh no

Oh I don't think it was planned at all

Margot you know what happened the last 2 times you were alone in france

Ugh ffs Chauvelin leave her aloneeeeee

"Your English is better than mine" says the British actor to the American actress

God they're so bad at small talk

Yeah Marguerite why have you left Percy we'd all like to know

Stop enjoying this so much Chauvvy damn

GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER SHES SLEEPING

Oh wait he was waking her up my bad

What do the French government want with Marguerite thoooo

OH SHIT MAYBE IT IS A PLAN

GODDAMN THEY HAD ME FOOLED

Robespierre has a model village akdndjeksndnd??????

Robespierre rolling his eyes and looking disgusted while Marguerite talks about falling in love with Percy lmaoooooo

She is a person thank you very much don't call her a piece of propaganda

Omgggg do we get to see margot back on stage lets gooo

"You should be in politics" oh robespierre if only you knew

WHY IS ROBESPIERRE LIKE A SULKING CHILDDDD

Chauvvy with a cigarette is kinda hot????

Andrew in a silly revolutionary beanie is too cute lmao

Who are they looking for

OH SHIT THE GUY THEYRE LOOKING FOR IS HANGING FROM THE CEILING

Yeah you go you funky actress stick your scene partners head into your chest

Oh god margot had to share a carriage with Chauvvy AND Robespierre?? That must have been the world journey in the worlddd

Oh nevermind the actress is a raging bitch

Aksjejskekrkrk she insulted robespierres playwrighting abilities

"It's an honour, Citizen robespierre-" "no, its an intrusion" lmao what a line

PERCY STOP KISSING YOUR WIFE CHAUVELIN IS RIGHT THERE

PERCY AND MARGOT REUNION AGAIN <3333

Uh oh the shaver cut Robespierre he's gonna dieee

He doesn't believe Percy is the Pimpernel despite the fact that he admitted it to Chauvelin??? Trust issues in full throttle I see

You go percy save that woman I believe in you

ROBESPIERRE BALANCING THE GLASSES ON THE WIG AGAIN LMAOOO

SIR THE DAUPHIN IS A CHILD DO NOT DARE BRING HIM TO TRIAL

The only time I will agree with Robespierre in this series is when he refuses to put a 10 year old on trial and execute him

Honestly Andrew looks so fit in his revolutionary disguise

Oh no where's the woman they were gonna save gone

OH FUCKED SHES BEEN DROWNED AND HER NECKS BEEN BROKEN

Stop bullying margot you bitch she's more of an actor than you'll ever be

We get a lot of sassy robespierre this episode and I'm enjoying it honestly

I hope the guy on stage rips his pants

Not out of spite or anything I just think it would be funny

I swear to god if she sabotages Margot ill cry

Girl what the fuck kind of Epilogue is this

DONT CALL MY WIFE A TRAITOR YOU BASTARD

Shoutout that one random man in the audience for starting to sing i guess????

Look he saved Marguerite from looking completely stupid good on him

Two seconds ago they were insulting her and now they're carrying her through the streets on shoulders??

Aww percy looks so proud of her <33

Another episode done!

Only one episode left this season now, I can't wait to see how this goes!!

[eusuntgratie]

gonna do it to you

top five flyers :)

oh god okay okay. gonna do the same as you and do two of these bc this is impossible otherwise.

#1 - travis konecny

you already know TK is my #1. he's having a great season so far, he's our points leader and top scorer. he's TINY, like so tiny half his his gear doesn't fit. he's super loyal and he's a sassy, feisty little shit who will throw down with anyone who fucks with his team, even if they're twice his size. he's a sweetheart and a goofball and he loves hockey and his team and i am truly, actually obsessed with him. the more i learn about this man the more i love him. he's had his ups and downs but i'm so happy to see him playing so well (and for the commentators to be so completely obsessed with him) this year.

oookay it gets hard after this 😂

#2 travis sanheim

drafted in 2014 and on the roster since 2017. one of the few left that's been around for awhile. he just got a shiny new contract and got engaged. he's big and seems sweet and quiet and is close with tk.

#3 ivan provorov

big fan of the feral lumberjack vibes he's giving this season. he's pretty, he played with patty in juniors, was drafted and started playing with tk. he's russian and pretty and i love him 🤷🏻‍♀️

#4 joel farabee

an adorable goofball. big stoner vibes 😂 the only american on this list hah. one of our points leaders. drafted in 2018. he just got his 100th career point! i just think he's neat.

#5 this is impossible UGH i'm gonna go with carter bc we'd have no wins without him 🙃 - carter hart

he's a great fuckin' goalie. he's saved our ass so many times it's madness. adorable tiny baby canadian. his foo fighters helmet (with taylor on the other side you just can't see him in this gif) makes me emotional every damn time. kiddo LOVES him, so that's good enough for me 🥰 (was this last choice influenced by the video i just reblobbed of him playing hockey with haysies nephew? MAYBE. shh.

WAIT FUCK i forgot laughts - scott laughton too. I'm attached to everyone who's been around since 2018 or before CLEARLY. this was too hard. i love kevin hayes because of the big cat/baby cat situation but his love for tda bumped him out of the top 5 😂😜

lksjdflkfdlkdajfgkfd

ask me my top 5 anything (or whatever you want)

[an-american-whovian]

- An American Whovian Reviews: 'Revolution of the Daleks' by Chris Shitnall.

• The Story Thus Far.

When we last left the Doctor she was partaking in one of the WORST Doctor Who episodes of all time. Turns out she's had, like, a billion regenerations -- and started off as a cute lil' black girl who got experimented on by some crazy TimeLord lady. Makes about as much sense as an asshole on my elbow.

I digress, after that whole REVEAL -- the Doctor is arrested by everyone's favorite space rhinos and sent to space jail much like Rick Sanchez at the end of 'Rick & Morty' season 2.

(Just not as good.)

• Recap.

The story starts off with a reminder of an even shittier story 'Resolution' in which the Doctor and "Fam'" defeat a Dalek with spare parts from a microwave. (Fuck you, Chibnall.)

Anyways, back to now: some people have the leftovers of that one Dalek in some facility. This one dude is tasked with transporting it and stops fer a hot cup of coffee -- which he chugs. (That's a thing.) Shortly thereafter, turns out he got drugged by the barista and she's, like, "Bitch, this is my truck now."

• I Loved that Show.

Curtis from 'Misfits' and Mr. Big from 'Sex & the City' meet up with some lady in which he hired some folks to "roleplay" as rioters. (I can't make this up.) He's, like, "Check this out -- I made these robots that can subdue rioters." (Where was he during the attack on the Capitol!?) Actually, Curtis from 'Misfits' supposedly made them from scratch.

Somewhere Davros is rolling in his chair.

• Political Disintrigue.

Mr. Big and the lady are in cahoots. I don't care.

• Elsewhere.

The Doctor is in jail serving her sentence and eating space brownies. She's got a Weeping Angel, Sycorax, Ood l and the Pting as neighbors. (Everyone loves call backs.) Laying on her cot she does her best quirky Matt Smith impersonation when she here's a-knocking.

WHO COULD IT BE!?

• Elsewhere, again.

We cut to the Fam' back on Earth. Yaz is living in a house that's a TARDIS in disguise; whilst Graham and Ryan could care less about what happened to the Doctor. They're, like, "Yaz, you gotta move on. However, someone leaked that footage of the roleplaying rioters versus a Dalek on DailyMotion -- so we should do something about that."

The lady and Mr. Big meet up, again, this time in some forest -- fer more expository conversation. I still can't be bothered.

Later, the Fam' just tracks down Mr. Big, like, it's nothing. Fortunately fer him, he has has guards -- and they shoo off the Fam'.

Ugh.

• Slammer Buddies.

The Doctor sees a Silence and then, say wha'!? Captain Jack is there to break he Doctor out with some doohickey he snuck up his ass. Turns out it's a giant hamster bubble that let's them break out of a MAXIMUM SECURITY SPACE JAIL! I hate this shit . . .

It's great to see Captain Jack, again, but this isn't worth it.

Only 18 minutes has passed. Fuck me.

• Exposition Earl.

Curtis from 'Misfits' is talking to Mr. Big and he's, like, "Dude, did you know there's, like, DNA samples inside that old casing you gave me!? Well, I took the time to clone it! I call it Squiggly."

Curtis from 'Misfits' cloned a Dalek. Fuuuuuuck.

Mr. Big is, like, "Yo, get that abomination out of my face and burn it!" -- which Curtis from 'Misfits' hesitantly obliges. Psyche! Squiggly takes mind control over Curtis from 'Misfits'. Who didn't see that coming!?

• Elsewhere: Part 3.

The Doctor and Captain Jack SOMEHOW just get back to the TARDIS like it's nothing. Fer some reason the Doctor is a bit of a jerk to Jack eventhough he just got her ungrateful ass out of Space Prison.

She's, like, "I gotta find my REAL friends." and meets back up with the Fam'. Yaz gets wet and Jack flirts with Graham. Turns out the Doctor has been gone fer a little less than a year. Cool. They get straight to the point and are, like, "Daleks are back. You know, the same aliens that tried to conquer Earth in series 2 and 4. Oh, no one remembers that?"

Fuck you, Chibnall.

• Hilarity ensues.

Squiggly somehow has a giant facility with other Dalek clones in Japan. Where the fuck did they come from!? Who knows -- and who cares.

The Doctor confronts Mr. Big and he's, like, "I'm 3D printing Dalek casings. It's cool, tho'. There's nothing inside of them. It's not, like, there's a facility in Osaka, Japan with a bunch of Dalek clones waiting to fill these up.

Speaking of which, Yaz and Jack are in Japan and they have a cringey convo about life with the Doctor. Rose and Sarah Jane's talk in 'School Reunion' this is not.

There's still 40 minutes to go.

After their heart to heart -- Yaz still has the audacity to insult Jack. She's fierce!

Anyways, guess what they find!? GUESS WHAT THEY FUCKING FIND!? The Dalek clone farm. Like, we weren't already shown this before. They even do a "Dun-Dun-Dun!" reveal fer this shit.

FUCK YOU, CHIBNALL.

• Facepalm.

Fer reasons unbeknownst to me the Doctor takes Mr. Big along to Japan -- you know, fer reasons. All the while, we cut to scenes of that one lady introducing Daleks to the public. No one still remembers series 2 and 4 -- or any other time Daleks have been on Earth.

At the same time, Jack and Yaz get attacked by a bunch of other Squigglies and I'm getting mad hentai vibes.

The Doctor, still back on the TARDIS, has a half hearted conversation with Ryan and tells hims it's, "Four minutes to Osaka" -- eventhough there's 50+ years of the TARDIS landing places INSTANTENOUSLY!

FUCK.

YOU.

CHIBNALL.

Ryan is, like, "Yea, I kinda prefer being back home than traveling in the TARDIS and seeing all of time and space. By the way, how'd 'The Timeless Children' go fer you?"

The Doctor is basically, like, "The less said about that -- the better." I tend to fucking agree.

Four minutes are up and Jack has and orgasm when he sees the TARDIS materialize eventhough he was just on it not too long ago.

• Git 'er Done.

Everyone's reunited along with Mr. Big as they confront mind controlled Curtis from 'Misfits'. We get more exposition as to how these Squigglies were cloned and what they eat. The big revelation is that they eat humans -- and I still can't be bothered to care.

Somehow the cloned Squigglies can teleport to those empty Dalek casings and proceed to wreck havoc to the masses. I will NEVER grow tired of Daleks massacaring people. "EXTERMINATE!"

(I finally have a non ironic smile on my face.)

Squiggly kills Curtis from 'Misfits' and the only one to give a shit is Mr. Big. The Doctor tries her best at a, "I am the Doctor and I save people!" speech which falls flat. She's got a plan, tho'!

She beeps up real Daleks -- and she's, like, "These REAL Daleks are gonna kill those fake Daleks! It's okay if they come -- fer REASONS they wont kill any humans. Just these fake Daleks. The story demands it."

• Invasion of the Dalek Snatchers.

We finally get the revolution in "Revolution of the Daleks". The real Daleks are, like, "Y'all, mother fuckers, are impure!" All the while, Mr. Big is, like, "I like these real Daleks. I wanna be friends with them -- you know, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Take me to yer leader." (That last bit was a direct quote.)

The boys leave the girls behind to go destroy the Dalek ship. We get some more poorly written dialogue.

Mr. Big tells the real Daleks about the Doctor -- which they should've been already privy to. Luckily, Jack informs the Doctor about Mr. big's treacherous ways and she's got another trick up her sleeve! All the while, Jack and the boys blow up the Dalek ship and the Doctor reveals her ruse. She sucked the Daleks into the spare TARDIS that Yaz was living in and has it collapse on itself.

Aren't TARDIS kind of, like, living creatures? They've been known to have a consciousness. Whatever.

• The Home Stretch.

Fer REASONS Mr. Big is considered a hero. Captain Jack is, like, "I'm out and I'm gonna go find my Torchwood friends. Fuck you guys."

Ryan is, like, "Yea, no more trips fer me either. I wanna stay home and play football with me mates and eat fish and chips." Graham agrees, too. So it's just Yaz and the Doctor now. I'm excited fer that potential porn parody.

Then we get a call back to 'The Girl Who Fell to Earth' and Ryan trying to ride a bike. I forgot that was a thing. They babble about facing off alien threats on Earth and fer other REASONS Grace shows up a, like, a fucking Jedi Force Ghost. 😂😭🤤

• The Good, the Bad and the Fugly.

The best I can say about this story is that Doctor Who, aesthetically, has never looked better. The Daleks inside and out were REALLY well done; and I fucking love the look of the TARDIS traveling through the time vortex. Unfortunately, that's it about it.

This was god awful. Maybe in time I can rewatch this in a it's so bad it's good capacity; but I won't be doing that any time soon. Chibnall has lost his goddamn mind.

Why is everyone so mean to Captain Jack!? I don't fucking get it. Graham and Ryan wanting to leave the TARDIS just 'cause they're, like, "Meh. It's been done.? Why is Mr. Big in this, at all!? Also, somebody fire that composer! I'm tired of his ambient noises.

Seriously, this was bad.

Zero stars.

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: Hey Nancy: how's all the prep going? Rio: Oh my God Rio: it feels good to talk to someone over the age of 12, put it that way Rio: its getting there but I might not 🤪🥴😵 Nancy: same cos Buster's acting like a 5 year old rn Nancy: I wish I was there helping Rio: Travelling brings out the worst in 'em Rio: if I have to see an airport with mine this year, too soon 😬❌ Rio: we could use your 👀 Rio: I'm sure there will still be shit to do when you all get here Nancy: Did your dad convince your mum about a honeymoon though? Nancy: Asking cos I wanna steal you away for a while Nancy: When I get there I'm gonna have so many 📷 to set up and take but I'll definitely make time for any finishing touches there are Rio: 😘😘😘 Rio: s'more convincing nan and granddad that your parents and the rest will help out controlling the masses whilst they're off 🎔☽ Rio: a reason we can NEVER find a babysitter 🙄 Nancy: Oh come on! If my mum gets involved they'll be perfect 😇s Rio: 😂 Rio: I'd be happy to test the theory Rio: going to be so good to see you again! Nancy: Me too if it'd get her off my back 🙄 Nancy: I've missed you so much! Rio: Uh-oh, what's the latest crusade with her? Rio: Girl, same! So much catching up Nancy: Who can keep track? This week it's something about how I spend too much time in my room Nancy: Like doesn't she realise I don't sleep in a cell? I have everything I need Rio: Right? Rio: At least we're past grounding, was such a laughable punishment when its not the 50s or something, please Nancy: malted milkshakes and jukeboxes yes, the rest of the 50s, no Rio: But you'd look so fetching in a circle skirt 😉 Rio: what are you wearing though Rio: I've been so busy making sure the kids are actually clothed that I'm not remotely ready, ugh Nancy: Also less likely to be hatecrimed when it's just gals being pals 😉 Nancy: [a pic of her outfit cos we don't have one yet gang] Nancy: oh my god if you're not joking dad better start speeding! You really need my help ASAP Rio: Don't rub it in, or I'll be at the back of the bus heckling you Rio: me and all MY #sistas Rio: 😍 you look so good, I'll ignore your white feminism if you tell him to step on it Nancy: 😳 x 10000 like Nancy: But I'll demand it Rio: 🧡 Rio: Its a mood, catch me stealthing down the aisle at the back, please, steal the show, kids Nancy: 💚 Nancy: Honestly I feel nervous & I don't have to do the walk/nobody's gonna be looking at me Rio: Awh, don't be Rio: Honestly, everything is so extra, no one will know where to look Rio: you know them Nancy: I was safe to assume that Junie isn't answering me cos he's 😳 x 10000000 then, yeah? Rio: No doubt Rio: I can't even find him to tell him to reply Rio: if I spot him Nancy: It's fine I'll see him soon anyway Rio: God bless him Nancy: I need out of this car now & away from all of them Rio: I can feel the tension from here, babe Nancy: If he spends another sec on speaker talking to his friends about last night's party I will have to throw his phone out of the window Rio: Eww Rio: your brother is 1000% gonna be THAT businessman on the train that wants everyone to hear his convo Nancy: I know Rio: then pops a few blood vessels when someone tells him otherwise Rio: you poor thing, forreal Nancy: He got into a fight at the party over some girl 🙄 But of course the other lad was the only one hurt Nancy: How am I related to this idiot? Rio: How have your parents not turned the car around or at least threatened to Nancy: He doesn't wanna come which means he is, no matter what Nancy: Even if he was 🤕 Rio: Also do you live in Chelsea or a bad American teen drama Rio: the dramatics 😂 Nancy: Right? But it's me getting lectured by my mother regularly Nancy: your favouritism is showing again Rio: We all like you better, don't worry babe Nancy: thanks Nancy: if your parents wanna adopt me, now is good Rio: What's one more is pratically the family motto so why not Rio: you'll have to miss all the WILD parties and the even wilder bants Rio: reckon you'll survive? Nancy: just about Rio: Be honest Rio: if I go to town right now, what are the odds of the kids staying semi-presentable? Nancy: It'd be single figures Nancy: like 5% maybe Rio: Yeah Rio: but even less chance of me getting something wearable if I ask my boy to bring something with him, right? Nancy: Unless he's very fashion forward Nancy: You could tell him to go to ours and raid my wardrobe? Rio: Such a humblebrag, Nancy McKenna 😏 Nancy: If you don't want my advice or designer labels, don't ask, like Rio: 😂 Rio: how is it possible I have nothing suitable in my whole ass wardrobe Nancy: This family has had a surprisingly few weddings in our lifetime Nancy: & there's no chance of you re-purposing what you wore to my parents' big day all those years ago so Nancy: I'll make a detour and pick something up for you Nancy: if you trust me Rio: The amount of sin is truly unholy Rio: my grandma be 😠 at all these heathens Rio: and that feels like forever ago Rio: dread to think what I was rocking but at least I was cute Nancy: So 😢 I couldn't bring a date to meet your grandma she sounds lovely Nancy: [finds a pic of the baze wedding like] Nancy: you were the cutest! Look! Rio: Love the sinner, hate the sin, sweetie 😘 Rio: Oh lord Nancy: Says you but what happened to ME? Nancy: I'm like a different person rn and it's not a glow up Rio: Shh, you look beautiful, are you kidding Nancy: I look like my parents are into medieval torture & put me on a rack Nancy: not cute Rio: Oh 'cos being tall is so unappealing Rio: all those leggy supermodels, YUCK Nancy: 😂 Rio: Anyone saying different is obviously jealous Nancy: How very teen drama Nancy: the girl who hates me really loves me 💋 Rio: better start loudly talking about that Rio: your 'rents will be so proud Nancy: They aren't likely to hear me over Buster's dramatic playlist 🎶 Rio: Now you're just making shit up 😂 Nancy: [records him as proof hey boy hey looking like a moody fuckboy snack over there no doubt] Rio: He really did just look at the window like a music video, huh Rio: also praying you make it here unmurdered now, girl 🙏🤞 Nancy: He wouldn't dare start a fight with us in our finery 👗👠 mum & dad would kill him Nancy: or I could with the 👠 Rio: Gotta stay favourite, yeah Nancy: definitely Rio: catch me being no ones 'cos I'm not coming Rio: see you tomorrow, like 👋 Nancy: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo Nancy: you have to Nancy: don't leave me with my evil twin Rio: 😩 but Rio: so over this before its begun Nancy: please Ri Nancy: I'll make it fun somehow Rio: There's no escape anyhow Rio: so many people here already just 👀 @ me Rio: I'm not putting on a fucking poofy dress I'm sorry Nancy: you don't have to Nancy: bridesmaid but keep it fashion Rio: I tried on some actual bridesmaid dresses but I felt so stupid Rio: why is it all floor-length and fucking Rio: the excess material Rio: I don't wanna drown in tulle, I'm not 5 Nancy: gross Nancy: I promise to never get married first of all Nancy: second of all I'm gonna make sure you look 🔥 today so Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: I've got to start on the drinks now though, sorry Nancy: show me what's in your wardrobe & I'll try & remember what's in mine Rio: I love you but you remember what I said about floor-length? Nancy: okay okay just yours then Nancy: come on, I can do this Rio: [does] Rio: but honestly, fuck it Nancy: there's so much I could make work Nancy: & no reason for us both to hate our outfits Rio: I won't hate it, I'll just be hated Rio: mainly by my grandma 💁 Nancy: as soon as Buster arrives his attitude will pull focus Nancy: plenty to keep your grandma busy in this car Rio: He'd never be that nice to me Rio: even unintentionally Nancy: I will then Nancy: thinking of a scene to cause as we speak Rio: 😏 Rio: such a shame there'll be no hot girls there you aren't related to 💔 Nancy: if only hitchhikers were still a thing Rio: So predatory for a 13 year old Rio: flip that script honey Nancy: it's the lesbian way Nancy: ask every girl at my school Rio: Ugh, turning their backs in the changing room is it? Rio: like half of 'em have got anything to hide, people are ridiculous Nancy: Yeah Rio: Its more than that then Nancy: It's not a story for today Rio: Later Rio: when you've caught up Nancy: when I've taken my make up off maybe Nancy: it took a really long time Rio: it looks 🔥 Nancy: it's not too much, right? You'd tell me Rio: Of course Rio: but it so isn't, its great Nancy: thanks Nancy: a benefit of doing it in February, our faces won't melt off & I'm not sunburnt Rio: They've thought of you at least Rio: love that Nancy: I'll try & remember to thank them too, like Rio: Thank whichever God made you gay too Rio: boys are such dicks Nancy: I got stuck with a brother so I'd still suffer Nancy: probably won't 🙏 Rio: Well you can ignore him Rio: sure you both prefer it that way Nancy: You can ignore any boys you want Nancy: or don't want Rio: Nah Rio: not when I'm this hard to ignore yeah Nancy: all the more reason Nancy: when you look like you look you can take your pick Rio: I already have, that's what I'm saying Nancy: & they're still dicks? Rio: He is Nancy: So dump him Nancy: there must be some boys in existence who aren't Rio: Eh Rio: None as cute Nancy: Gross Rio: Shut up 🙄 Nancy: if you wanna talk about boys you've come to the wrong place Rio: excuse me Rio: you've literally talked about your hitchhiker fantasy so you can deal with it Nancy: I don't have a fantasy I was trying to think of a diversion to horrify your grandma Rio: Sure Nancy: It's a shame Buster would never swap outfits with me Nancy: a move like that really would pull focus from what you're wearing Rio: I hate to break it to you but not really Rio: already got so many chicks in suits Rio: you know this is MY parents wedding, not yours Nancy: but how many boys in dresses do you have? Rio: I'll check Rio: my parents have weird friends, babe Rio: and have you met my siblings like Rio: your the normie branch of the fam, no amount of lesbian angst is changing that for you, I'm so sorry Nancy: at least they have friends, mine have co-dependence Nancy: and yeah, I'm trying to get adopted in, remember? Rio: 😍 romantic Rio: we'll swap Rio: I need the break Nancy: you and Buster would kill each other in seconds Nancy: but if you can survive long enough to end him I support it Rio: Duh Nancy: I've heard 'you should see the other guy' enough to be sure it's bullshit Nancy: you can take him Rio: I know Rio: trust me Nancy: he hasn't lost a 🥊 for ages it's way past due Rio: Weddings always end in a scrap Rio: may as well take it for the team honestly Nancy: fights & drunken displays happen whenever this family gets together Nancy: again, take your pick Rio: I'm not drunk but tah for the faith, babe Nancy: it's early still Rio: 😒 Nancy: they are all driving me to drink & I don't even Rio: Slainte Nancy: exactly Rio: Fuck it, I'm going town Nancy: do you have time? Rio: Sure Nancy: Then yeah go Rio: ✌ see you when you get here Nancy: I'll find you as soon as we show up Rio: Do Rio: I'll be the bombshell Nancy: I'll be the awkward ginger Nancy: 💚💋 Rio: 🧡💋

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: Hey Nancy: I know you're trying to get away from it all but I can't ask your brother about this and I saw your snaps which literally prove you're the right person to ask Rio: Oof, desperately trying to think if I drunk snapped anything really incriminating now Rio: but no, go on, what's up? Nancy: oh my god no! I'm being the desperate one, okay 🙈🙈🙈 Nancy: idk maybe boys are like REALLY DIFFERENT 🙄🙄🙄 ugh Nancy: Kill me now, right? Rio: Ooh Rio: you've got my attention Rio: spill Nancy: It's not your attention I wanna get though, no offense Rio: 💔😭 Rio: but who Rio: who?! Nancy: oh babe, you know I love you Nancy: but I can't tell you Nancy: That'd be even more embarrassing when I mess it up 🙊🙊 Rio: UGH fine, I'll just have to guess 😘 Rio: So, you want tips Nancy: Yeah Nancy: If only Buster wasn't such a prick, I could ask him but like Rio: Honey no Rio: don't be a freaky twin Nancy: Gross Nancy: He's probably slept with half of New England by now though, is my point Nancy: Girls like him Rio: He's good looking, don't think it's much more than that, babe Rio: well, and he knows it Nancy: Well some of us are clearly ugly and not that bitch Nancy: It's the 🥕 curse Rio: PLEASE Rio: don't let your mum hear that, first of all Rio: and it's a blatant lie so shut up Nancy: PLEASE, you've seen her, past present and future Rio: You look just like her, don't play Nancy: No, I don't!😳 and we're getting off topic Rio: I need more info to be ON topic Rio: where did you meet, where do you meet, what's she like Nancy: School and unavailable is what she's like Nancy: That's why I need your help Rio: Unavailable like she's straight? Nancy: Like she's with someone right now Rio: 😱 Nancy: I know, okay Nancy: don't Rio: Well okay, realistically it's a high school relationship Rio: you won't have to wait that long Nancy: I wish, they're really serious but it's so wrong Rio: most are but if you're gonna try and preach that you're gonna get smacked down, babe Rio: gotta let people make their own mistakes, even if repeatedly Nancy: So just wait? That's your advice Nancy: Alright Rio: You don't wanna get in the middle of a relationship Rio: especially a shit one, trust Rio: so, how do you know she's into you too then Nancy: idk she just goes out of her way to talk to me and be around Nancy: but it's HOW we talk, you know? and look at each other and just Rio: Oh, you've got it BAD Rio: just keep talking and looking, can't hurt Rio: but I wouldn't do anything yet Rio: by the sounds of Nancy: I've never liked someone this much before, it's so annoying Rio: I know, baby Nancy: I guess I can always leave school, it's worked out for you Nancy: I'll just never tell my parents the actual reason, obviously Rio: Yeah, good 🍀 with that Rio: actually find you floating down the Liffey Nancy: Sorry I didn't meet the love of my life when I was a child, like 🙄 Rio: Just that efficient 💅 Rio: no pressure, Nance 😂 Nancy: Ugh Rio: Least your brother doesn't have that on you Rio: every ☁ Nancy: Thank god he's incapable of love Rio: Ooh, harsh Nancy: But true, so also I'm grateful we live in a technological age so there's not crying girls calling the house every few minutes Rio: Your lesbian sensibilities will not allow Nancy: Exactly Rio: 💕 such a sweetie Rio: how could she resist Nancy: Shh Nancy: I'm trying to resist and wait like you told me too Rio: Oi, don't blame me Rio: you're your own woman Nancy: But you know about stuff like this Rio: Oh yeah Rio: my love life is beyond aspirational 😏 Nancy: Like I said, I saw your holiday romance, babe Nancy: I don't feel that bad for you Rio: oh babe, that ain't romance Nancy: I don't need those kind of details thank you Nancy: We'll just call it that Rio: You ain't getting 'em Rio: lady who doth protest too much Rio: if you were, they'd be on the snap Nancy: Gross Nancy: You can 100% keep your hetero exploits away from my line of sight, that's fine Rio: I know you're obsessed with me, you'll overlook the D Nancy: You wish, babe Nancy: I have a new obsession, as discussed Rio: oh no Rio: I'll have to be consoled 😉 Nancy: I'm sure your mystery man will be thrilled Rio: Maybe I'll let ya know Nancy: I appreciate you trying to make me gayer to win this girl's heart but no need Rio: Need to make her gayer Rio: that's the 🍵 Nancy: You don't know that she's not even gayer than I am, excuse you! Rio: I do Rio: I asked if she was straight and instead of yay or nay it was in a relationship Rio: I'm not an idiot, honey Nancy: I'm not gonna label her when idk! Rio: Okay okay Nancy: If she likes me, she likes me Nancy: It doesn't matter if I'm the first girl she's been into or not Rio: Of course Nancy: Who am I trying to convince, me or you? Nancy: Or her Nancy: 💔 Rio: Oh babe Nancy: Outgaying myself with this level of pining though so 🥇🙄 Rio: Can't be beaten, doll 💖 Nancy: Anyway, go get a drink or a tan or something Rio: Coming from the palest bitch? Rio: I know I need to now 😱 Rio: catch me running Rio: 😘 proper talk when I'm back Nancy: 😂 You know that's not how I meant it Nancy: Just that you probably don't wanna look like you spent EVERY second in a hotel room Nancy: Unless you do Rio: 'scuse you Rio: I'm seeing the sights, getting cultured 😂 Nancy: UM OKAY sure Nancy: American's don't have culture, first of all Nancy: But yeah you're clearly enjoying the sights, thanks for rubbing that in 😏 Rio: So true Rio: Imma go get this sun tan lotion rubbed in Rio: peace mama Nancy: Thanks for leaving me with that mental image Nancy: I love you so much Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: love ya