#good for her for identifying scrupulosity!

[astriiformes]

Poking and prodding at my brain now that I have another potential dose of context for why it melts down and spirals over things so often and like. Putting everything in a list there really is a pattern I should have been paying more attention to probably, but have always just identified as bad anxiety or neurodivergent quirks

That said, it is also making me feel immensely lonely because I have lots of neurodivergent and anxious friends I've gone to for advice over the years, but I'm realizing that my possible pure-obsessive OCD and scrupulosity tendencies may be why I've often responded poorly to their attempts at help. Which is good to understand, and ultimately may help me tell them what I do need but. Also means I am suddenly hyper aware of how irrational the stuff I can't help but meltdown over is, and feel really stupid for it and also like the people I'm closest to aren't going to have much advice for me.

Anyways. For my own connecting-the-dots purposes. Some very normal thoughts I have had breakdowns over before:

As a kid who was raised Evangelical, had a pretty classic case of the religious/blasphemous intrusive thoughts often associated with OCD that caused me an immense amount of distress. This one has calmed down entirely now that I have extricated myself from that environment, but also for a couple years after leaving the church I would have similar thought spirals literally any time someone mentioned the concept of the afterlife/hell.

Adjacently, the second part contributed to me having a fear of death so intense for a while that I once broke down crying in my mom's car during the 7-minute drive from my dad's place to hers on a night where there were no other cars on the road because I was so convinced we were going to die in a car crash.

Unfortunate fact: I was trying to get into Discworld at the time and read Mort while all this was going on and my opinion of the series has never quite recovered.

.......Have multiple friends very into Discworld and used to spiral any time it got mentioned because it felt like a moral flaw that it stressed me out so much because I shouldn't feel that way about something to important to my friends, and additionally felt like it would be, essentially, thoughtcrime to blacklist it.

(This is better now and I am probably going to give the books another try, but for a while I was very stupid about it)

Spent actual years searching for a place to buy gatorade powder that wasn't Walmart or Amazon even though I need it for actual health reasons, because they were the only places I could find it and I have an obsessive avoidance of both companies and couldn't bear the thought of buying from them for the first time in years. Over something I needed. For my health.

Opposite of the Discworld problem: some of my friends have problems with a TV show I like which means I have spent entire evenings crying myself to sleep with guilt because obviously I cannot like things that the people in my life are bothered by

I am not joking I missed class regularly as a result of the last one for several weeks, I was so distraught.

And like I also have dealt with a lot of other things over the years, including really upsetting intrusive thoughts (usually of the "what if something violent and gory happened to you and/or your loved ones," variety, with a side of self-harming and suicidal thoughts -- being a really visual thinker makes this particularly terrible) and constant spiraling over perceived social/moral missteps.

And I guess I'm feeling kind of frustrated because so many people have latched onto the more... hm... relatable I guess aspects of my anxiety in ways that have made me think the above are like. Normal for someone with really bad anxiety (and trauma too, I guess, though I think that really is the source of some of them) and I've fallen into beating myself up over not being able to overcome mine the way everybody else seems to. And now I still don't even entirely feel like I'm allowed to self-diagnose any of this as OCD specifically but I'm also realizing that there is something much more fucked up and irrational happening in my brain than I thought because I just assumed this was how mental illness was for everyone and I was just. Really bad at managing it.

[hislittleflower-throughconcrete]

I hope your silent retreat is awesome! Do you have any recommended resources for doing Lent when you struggle with scrupulosity, especially around food/disordered eating?

I knew this would be a long answer, so I'm sorry for waiting this long to respond, I just needed to set time aside for it.

I'm going to get on my soapbox for a moment and say we desperately need more resources across the board for scrupulous Catholics. In a Catholic bookstore, 95% have a theme of "improve this virtue! root out this vice! clean up your act, become more faithful!" Now these things are good! But they specifically have a target audience of a normal to lax conscience. Now consider the fact that someone purchasing devoutly Catholic literature in the first place has a vastly higher percentage probability of being scrupulous. The result of this is that the scrupulous Catholic who purchases these books rarely if ever recognizes that these resources are not helping them grow in holiness - they are just feeding the scrupulosity, which they think is holiness. Which is incidentally what I have done my whole life until a few years ago.

Okay, rant done. But I wanted to say that because no, I cannot think of specific resources for Lent when you struggle with scrupulosity. I can recommend a few books about scrupulosity in general, and I can give my own advice. The gold standard book for scruples is Understanding Scrupulosity Thomas Santa, CSsR. He really breaks down what scrupulosity is and how to overcome it. Another book which is on my wishlist but that I haven't read is Scruples and Sainthood: Overcoming Scrupulosity with the Help of the Saints. Colleen Carroll Campbell has a new book I am listening to called The Heart of Perfection and it is really good. Also, if you google "Catholic Scrupulosity" there are a bunch of articles that discuss it that I have found helpful.

The biggest help by far, more than any of these combined, is St. Therese. Literally anything St. Therese! She HAD scrupulosity, and her spirituality she developed was her antidote to it. 33 days to Merciful Love, The Little Way of Lent, and reading St. Therese's own writings on scrupulosity have helped me heal so much and have reoriented how I traverse my spiritual life during Lent (and all seasons).

For food issues specifically, again, there is really nothing. I have had an eating disorder since age 15 that has taken many twists and turns, including a 5 month hospitalization, so believe me, I have looked. There is one (TINY) book called Weightless by Kate Wicker, a Catholic woman who tells her story of recovering from an eating disorder, but I found it unhelpful because she came to love her body when she became a mother, which wasn't something I identified with as a single woman. I also read Cravings: A Catholic Wrestles with Food, Self-Image, and God but I found it to be very spiritually shallow. The Catholic Table: Finding Joy Where Food and Faith Meet by Emily Stimpson Chapman is one that has good reviews but I have not read it. I know she had an eating disorder at one point, but the focus of the book is relationship between food and God I think.

Now for my advice: Get a spiritual director who you trust, who you like, and who understands scrupulosity. They will be the best thing to help you navigate the spiritual life with scruples. For food during Lent, my spiritual director said that those who have disordered eating are exempt from fasting and abstinence from food, and can instead fast from other things like TV. I know you're scrupulous so you're probably doubting me, but ask any priest you trust! Allowing myself to observe the fasting in Lent in non-traditional ways has really helped me not see Lent as a time to engage in damaging food behaviors or reignite my disorder. Finally, remember - fasting is a spiritual practice to help us detach from earthy things. The only reason the Church has historically fasted/abstained from food is that it is our most basic human desire and literally everyone eats! So it is not fasting from food that makes the devotion special. You fasting from other things during Lent is not less than others or going against the Church. God wants us to draw near to Him through fasting, and with disordered eating, you will be focused on the food behavior, not God.

I hope some or any of this helped! I pray you have a peaceful Lent.

[jcmorrigan]

Do you support anti-harassment and pro-shipping?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: This is an issue I’ve been monitoring and grappling with for a long time, and I feel like while my core philosophy has been the same for a while now, the nuances I’ve held shift every so often. I don’t identify as an anti. I just don’t. I think shipping things - be it incest, adult/minor, or one of the many flavors of abusive - is an ENTIRELY separate issue from wanting to do that IRL. I think sometimes people just want to write taboo topics for various reasons. Because the topics themselves are taboo and that’s interesting, because they offer methods of coping, even because some people are kinda into projecting upon the person on the losing end of the power dynamic and being dominated and kicked around, since that’s not something you should really chase in real life (unless it’s during a roleplay with a network of safewords).

There are many ships I think are gross, but I don’t want people to stop shipping them because I don’t like them. I don’t like ships that involve anyone under 13 with anyone over 18. I don’t like ships that involve anyone under 18 with anyone over 30. (Aging up is a whole different matter; if you write the younger character older and legitimately have them behave the way you think they would as an adult, it’s all good.) I REALLY don’t like ships where a character is either confirmed homosexual or only shown onscreen to be attracted to the same gender in a big-deal reveal sort of way (if the character has crushes on many genders or the creator uses Word of God to say they’re bi/pan, it’s fine) and the ship involves putting them with someone of the opposite gender (shipping them with enbies is fine). And no, I don’t think it’s a double standard that I sometimes like to do same-sex ships for characters who are coded very very straight. But this is all to do with my tastes and beliefs, not with what I think the rest of you all should do. If you like something that falls in my personal no-no category, then go ahead and do it. I’ll decide how much I want to interact with you, and that says more about our potential chemistry as a unit than it does about you as a person. And if you have boundaries yourself - if age-gap ships skeeve you out - then that doesn’t make you a bad person or even an anti! Just block as needed, talk to friends if you feel betrayed by them, and recognize what it is you don’t like and that you don’t have to like it.

Selfshipping? Do what you want. Again, I might personally have reservations about shipping with somebody too young (I actually perceived my own main f/o as in his twenties when I first watched his source, then saw Word of God say he was NINETEEN actually, even though that invalidates many many jokes about how he’s bad at adulting, so I just said “fuck it” and he’s at least 24 to me because that makes more sense and is more of my comfort zone). But what I like shouldn’t dictate what YOU do. I might give you a little side-eye if you’re shipping with somebody young, but I don’t know your reasons for doing so and I don’t have the right to judge. I might distance myself from certain situations if I’m feeling skeeved out. Or I might not feel skeeved out depending on how it’s handled. I also again would raise a brow if you’re selfshipping with an opposite-gender gay character, but same principle: you have your reasons, you shouldn’t stop because some rando (me) has an issue with your ship, and if I have a problem with how you handle it, I’ll just peace out on my end and not make a deal out of it.

A lot of this comes from the fact that I have mega OCD and I already try to moralize everything I do and hyper-analyze my choices to make sure I am being a Good Person. If I try to follow the “rules” to make my ships palatable to everyone, then I start worrying that any deviation makes me unforgivable. The vast majority of ships in my deck are squeaky-clean and have no problems, but sometimes I’ll get, like...Ventus/Papyrus, where Ven is 15, and Papyrus is in age limbo but I always thought he was at least 18, and then I don’t want to spiral into a moral crisis because I really think it would be cute to put the anime boy with the skeleton and I think they’re both asexual anyway. Or when I aged up Zevon from Descendants in order to make him make more sense as Yzma’s son, and then I had to give him a ship with an adult and I found one I really like (Kamdor from Power Rangers). And this is not even scratching the very complex issue of “The writers of this piece of fiction were ACTUALLY horny for incest and I can see the subtext for it and now I gotta figure out what to do with this mess because I like the series and I do want the characters to have partners who will treat them right.”

That said...up until recently, I looked up to the more extreme proship community, even so far as to kinda be more of an “anti-anti.” But as time went on, that...didn’t seem to fit. I’ve unfollowed a few of those blogs now because first of all, proshipping as a “political party” seems to come with some things I don’t believe in, such as forming a parasocial relationship with AO3 or saying that freedom of fans to ship what they want means the creators of mainstream media should be allowed to portray whatever they want and that being “critical of media you consume” is an automatic dogwhistle for bullies. More importantly: I have at least one friend who I know leans more anti, and I value her a lot and I think it’s valid for her to have her boundaries. After a while, the things that anti-antis did to protect themselves from bullying started to feel a little bit like bullying right back. I can’t really call myself a traditional proshipper anymore, even though I’m definitely not an anti. But I don’t want to be an “anti-anti” either. Because actually, I USED to be an anti on a different social media platform long before Tumblr, and though I can’t tell you exactly why I was that way, I can understand what it’s like to feel that strongly about things that gross you out and want to get them out of your face. I don’t want to say I’m against a whole bunch of people who are probably as varied in intensity as proshippers are.

At the end of the day, what I want is for us all to CHILL OUT. Can we please, PLEASE just focus on having fun in whatever way that comes - problematic ships or no - so long as people IRL aren’t getting hurt? Can we respect that there are probably a LOT of people with OCD on social media who spiral easily if shamed too much (which is probably how the anti movement rose in the first place - I’m sure my anti phase was fueled by my secular scrupulosity)? Can we not assume that people who ship weird age gaps are Actual Pedophiles, which is an entirely separate issue? (Listen...I grew up in the Age of AkuRoku. I hated AkuRoku. But if all the AkuRoku shippers turned out to be pedos, well, the news sure didn’t cover it. I’m saying the majority of them didn’t. And it’s been a decade.) Can we not spread the fear of being cancelled or that having a certain fictional preference will ruin a budding friendship? Can we communicate with one another in private if a friend says or does something that makes you uncomfortable, such as shipping something that makes you question their moral stance? Can actual legitimate creators of media not take sides in the goddamn pro/anti war, thereby making groups of their fans feel alienated from being welcomed by the source? Can we just have fun PLEASE?

Also, just...stop fighting about Reylo. That’s the dumbest thing to fight over and we managed to somehow get the actual SW crew in on that dumbass fight. Some people like Reylo and some people hate Reylo and THAT’S IT. WE’RE DONE HERE.

It sure says something that I worry, before hitting the Post button, that this might ruin some of the relationships I have or inspire a mass exodus of the followers whose names I come to like seeing in my notifications. But it’s ultimately better for all of us if I’m honest.

[thatocdfeel]

Just as a general statement for other people who struggle with moral stuff like I do. I've been doing some reading and there's this thing called white fragility which basically means white people can't handle facing their own racism and get really anxious when confronted by it. Combine that with the fact that literally all white people are racist and that basically means that if you've been really anxious about racism in the last week or so it's probably not your OCD and you're actually racist.

Okay, so I’ve let this sit in my inbox for some time, not sure how to approach this, because:

1. I am white 2. I am not from the US

It’s not my place to discuss what is or isn’t racism, however, I do think your ask is oversimplifying the matter, and I’ll explain my reasoning.

White fragility is a term coined by Robin DiAngelo in her essay of the same name, which you can read here.

For a TL;DR, here is a quote from an article by the Guardian:

‘’DiAngelo says she encounters a lot of “certitude from white people – they insist ‘Well, it’s not me’, or say ‘I’m doing my best, what do you want from me?’ ”. She defines this as white fragility – the inability of white people to tolerate racial stress. 

This, she says, leads to white people “weaponising [their] hurt feelings” and being indignant and defensive when confronted with racial inequality and injustice. This creates a climate where the suggestion or accusation of racism causes more outrage among white people than the racism itself. 

“And if nobody is racist,” she asks, “why is racism still America’s biggest problem? What are white people afraid they will lose by listening? What is so threatening about humility on this topic?” 

Using DiAngelo’s own words, we have no ‘racial stamina’.  Whether you think of yourself as a ‘morally good’ person and the idea of being racist offends you, or if you are a racist who doesn’t believe racism is even real, or you’re a proud racist and believe it to be ‘morally just’, or you simply don’t give a shit about it one way or the other -- being forced to confront racism will trigger discomfort, anger, anxiety and defensiveness. 

Whether or not you consider yourself racist, white fragility enables racism, and is something white people have to consciously make an effort to unlearn.   

And to your point about ‘being automatically racist’, people who don’t consider themselves racist will still have internalized racist ideas, because if you live in a white supremacist / racist society, you will grow up surrounded by these ideas. 

And while consciously you are against racism, morally, ethically, politically, etc... these internalized, learned behaviours will be there, and it is a long and difficult task to find, identify and unlearn them. 

This is true about sexism, homophobia, ableism, classism and so on. 

I am not arguing this. 

The main concern I had with your ask is that this is an OCD blog, and because OCD encourages all or nothing thinking, a follower might read that statement and think you are either racist or you aren’t, and that if you are racist, it’s game over forever. 

The OCD sufferer, based on their own moral compass, cannot allow this unthinkable, horrible scenario to be true, because what if I am racist? , to the OCD sufferer, appears only to have one answer: if you are, you’re evil forever and your life is over.

When in reality, the answer to the question what if I’m racist? is: if you are, you can choose to educate yourself and work to do better, or you can choose to be complicit and do nothing. 

If you’re white in a society like the US, you WILL have internalized racist beliefs and behaviours. Some of these will be so subtle you don’t even consider them, because you’ve never had to consider them. And because you never had to, suddenly making yourself consider these things will be hard, and it will take practice, time, effort and a degree of self-compassion. 

These things, while true, do not make you an irredeemable, evil monster. They do not mean you are morally corrupt or that the only way to atone is through self-punishment. If you care about being anti-racist, you cannot judge yourself ‘irredeemable’ and call it a day. 

You have to look inward, you have to look at your white friends and family, your society, your government -- you have to educate yourself, you have to listen to the voices of PoC,  you have to speak up against other white people and you have to fight that white fragility that tells you to run away from the conversation.

TLDR; There are plenty of reasons to be anxious about racism, especially if you are someone who is plagued by OCD.  So yes, if you’ve been really anxious about racism in the last week or so, it will in part be because of ‘white fragility’, but that doesn’t mean your OCD related anxiety is any less real or valid. 

Intrusive thoughts about racism, fears of being racist, fears of acting racist, and so on are not uncommon and you will definitely be anxious about it because that’s how the disorder works. 

While I don’t have any specific resources on this, I’d recommend reading about:

Moral Scrupulosity OCD

Responsibility OCD

And here is someone’s personal account (tw for eating disorders)

A final word on OCD enhanced anxiety about racism, as a white person:

This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, but it also doesn’t mean you’re free of responsibility. We all have the responsibility, every single day, to fight injustice, unlearn prejudice and make the world better. We don’t do this through self-hatred, but by accepting that you are not perfect. Moral purity is impossible, being 100% good is impossible, having no flaws is impossible, never ever in your life doing, saying or thinking a single bad thing is impossible. Accepting this does NOT mean accepting the any particular moral value of that behaviour. The first step to change the parts of yourself you do not like, is to acknowledge that they are there. 

Whatever your OCD makes you scared of, think of it as a stain on your carpet. If you think that having a stain on the carpet is the worst thing that could ever happen, that this is an UNTHINKABLE situation, you will ignore the stain every time you walk by it. You get angry when people point the stain out. You have a CLEAN house, damn it! The stain CANNOT be there because that means YOU have failed, and YOU are BAD.

Stop. Look at the stain. The stain is there. It happens. Stains happen all the time, to everyone. Now, when you have seen the stain, acknowledged it, accepted it is there. How did the stain happen? Once you figure that out, you can stop that stain from happening again. 

Maybe you spilled your coffee because you don’t look where you walk. Start looking where you walk. Does this mean you’ll never spill anything else again? No, but next time, you’ll be even better at recognizing, cleaning and preventing stains than you were before.

Or you can leave the stain and keep spilling coffee until there’s coffee everywhere and the whole carpet is ruined. 

That is a deliberate choice you can make, and that is the decision that matters.

[starberry-cupcake]

A small personal side comment on Gentleman Jack’s ep 6 and Ann Walker’s mental health

I don’t know if I’ll keep this post up or not but there’s something I wanted to say regarding this episode’s showcase of Ann’s mental health and her struggle to cope with her own identity. 

I do not want, by any means, to “diagnose” Ann, because: a) I’m not a professional, b) she’s a fictional character, as we see her on the show, a fictionalization of a real person, c) I don’t know enough about the real Ann, even if she had been a 100% faithful depiction and d) only the writer and creator of the show can state whether there was a specific inspiration or direction concerning the depiction of mental illness in a character. So, I’m gonna leave all that aside. 

What I do want to focus on is that, in my opinion, and for what was portrayed and what was said (by Anne), this episode did showcase a very good representation of what we could interpret, if we were so inclined, as religious and moral scrupulosity. 

As someone with OCD, who has experienced a lot of facets of it and different stages of it (from those very dangerous to myself to more manageable states to everything in between, because healing isn’t linear), maybe I also took from it what I identified with, and recognized it as such because I saw a lot of myself in it, in a way. Still, I do feel that OCD is one of the most misinterpreted and misrepresented things in media and that scrupulosity and intrusive thoughts, which are connected to it, don’t ever get talked about at all. 

When it comes to struggles about identity, especially concerning sexual, romantic or gender identity, scrupulosity is very common to surface, especially with those who have tendencies of intrusive thinking patterns, low self esteem and/or obsessive compulsive disorder. It is when you feel that you “deviate from the norm” when those moral and/or religious doubts arise and scrupulosity can be extremely harmful, especially combined with the other two (moral and/or religious scrupulosity, when paired with sexual and romantic orientation identity, can lead to sexual intrusive thoughts, which can be extremely harmful). 

Ann exhibited facets of these things that I found incredibly familiar and touched me very deeply. She couldn’t sleep because her thoughts materialized in dreams, she felt like losing control could be harmful to other people and herself, she repeated prayers as a compulsion which only accelerated the thoughts, she came back and forth from her thinking of whether what she was doing was right or wrong, she searched for Anne’s reassurance and presence but it was ultimately never enough to soothe her, etc. My experience is more on the moral side of scrupulosity but still, I can relate. 

I don’t know if the intention on episode 6 of Gentleman Jack was to showcase a specific form of mental illness, if Sally has a specific direction or not, but it made me think how little it is known, said and discussed, when it comes to struggles with identity, the presence of scrupulosity as an extreme mind detox of the stuff we had to learn in order to actually attempt to find ourselves and how jarring it can be when combined with other things. 

And I also felt grateful, even if it still feels just as awful, for living in a time in which I can access information like we can, because it took me almost 3 decades of life to learn all of this, but if I had lived back then, I would have probably died not knowing, and that notion is terrifying. 

Anyway, I love this show. 

[eighthway]

Making a good confession

Introduction

When I was preparing for my First Holy Communion there was very little instruction on how to make a good confession. Well, there was very little preparation for anything except for how to make a religiously themed arts and crafts project. Later, when I went through RCIA to complete my Sacraments of Initiation (insert long story here) the preparation was better but certainly not what I would now consider adequate for an adult with adult problems. The class that I took on hearing confessions when I was in priestly formation was excellent, but even that lacked a few things that I've since discovered as a priest. So, with many hundreds of hours (if not thousands at this point) of hearing confessions under my belt I would like to offer some guidance for people who would like to make a good, integral confession that not only restores one's relationship to God but is also a true experience of emotional and spiritual healing.

Preparing for Confession

Let's begin with the basics. A good confession doesn't begin in the confessional or in the confessional line. A good confession begins with a daily examination of conscience. Traditionally, this is done in the evening before you go to bed. The idea is that as you say your evening prayers you take a moment to reflect on how you could have meet he day's challenges more virtuously and then make a resolution to do better. This should be brief. This practice will also help you identify any mortal sins you may have committed so that you know it's time to get to confession. In addition to the daily examination of conscience it's wise to do a weekly more in-depth examination. There are many good resources for this. I prefer the one written by Fr. John Hardon, SJ, of happy memory. There are also resources on the USCCB website and there are a number of mobile apps that have resources for making a good examination of conscience. If an in-depth weekly examination of conscience is too much for you, because of time, attention, or energy, it's okay. Just make sure that you make a through examination of conscience before you get in the confessional line.

My next bit of advice will be controversial depending on who you speak to. I think it's perfectly acceptable to write down a list of one's sins. Some people have advised against this in the past for fear of engendering scrupulosity. However, if you understand the two forms of scrupulosity (that of the intellect and that of the will) well, then you will quickly realize that this practice will do nothing of the sort. In fact, for some manifestations of scrupulosity it can serve as a remedy. So, keep a journal. This will help you remember what you need to confess. If you are anything like me, then trying to remember things since your last confession can get a little hazy at times.

Now that you've done the pre-game workout, it's time to wait in line. I personally use this time for two purposes. I use the time to pray to the Holy Spirit that I will make a worthy confession and then pray a rosary or chaplet of divine mercy to pass the time in peace. I consider waiting in line part of the penance! This is an opportunity to reflect on the vastness of God's mercy and to pray for your fellow penitents who are there to make their confession. In addition, you could pray for all those who need to come to confession but do not or cannot for some reason or another.

In "The Box"

When you get into the confessional the ritual begins with the sign of the cross and after a brief statement by the priest the customary formula is to say, "Bless/Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been 'n' days/weeks/months/years since my last confession, I am (insert state of life here) and these are my sins." This introduction is important for the priest hearing the confession. A good confessor will take that information and tailor his counsel based on these details. In particular, a person's state of life is extremely important. In my experience it significantly modifies the way I hear a confession and give counsel. Following this preamble you simply confesses the sins that you have identified, with the aid of your conscience, since your last confession and also any unconfessed mortal sins from the past that may have been recently remembered. I'll say more about this last detail later.

The Council of Trent decreed that there are three things a person must confess for an integral confession. The formal terms used for these three things are: species, number, and circumstance. These are often misunderstood so let's define terms. The term species that we use here is in contradistinction to genre. In other words, it's not sufficient to confess a generality. Instead one must confess an act. Let me give you an example. On occasion a person will come into the confessional and in the course of the confession he will say he was angry three times. Now, laying aside the question about emotions for a moment, let's focus on the item confessed. Being angry three times doesn't tell me what the person did that has brought him to the confessional. When this happens I will often say to the penitent, "Sins are actions not passions. What did you do as a result of your anger that is bothering your conscience?" Eventually the person will discover the action and then we can move on. Remember this. When you are tempted to be generic that's the most important time to be specific. Name the sin so, by God's grace, you an cast it out. The next part is the number of times you chose that immoral action since your last confession. This should be self-explanatory. The last is circumstance. Please understand that this does not mean the story surrounding the sin. In this case what is meant by circumstance is all those things that might mitigate or exacerbate your culpability, that is, your moral responsibility, for the action. A man forced to commit a crime still commits the crime, but the lion's share of responsibility rests on those who forced him.

The instructions I just provided can be difficult for some people. There are many reasons for this. Sometimes a person may feel that they don't feel sorry for their sins unless they articulate the whole story that led to the sin. Sometimes people feel the need to shift blame in their narrative. Sometimes people just haven't prepared for confession well and have to talk through their life story. All of these inclinations and any other that would cause a person to depart from the simple formula of species, number, and circumstance (if any) should be recognized as a temptation and treated as such. A good confessor can hear the human story behind the sins and will ask prudent questions if necessary. Allow him to ask. Be satisfied if he does not.

At this point you may receive some counsel, a satisfactory penance will be assigned, and you will then be asked to make an Act of Contrition. I recommend the traditional formula. It contains all of the necessary parts that will help you grow in the spiritual life. The trick is not to allow the formula to become something that you just speak with your lips. Rather, meditate on the words and their implications. You can find a lot of wise guidance in the simple prayers we were asked to memorize in our youth. Speak the words with your heart. This will help you develop the right sentiments of contrition. At this point the priest will then offer absolution and pronounce the dismissal. Confession complete!

What not to confess

Everyone has heard stories of priests telling a penitent that something they confessed wasn't a sin. Well, sometimes the priest is right, sometimes he isn't. Priests are human too. But, then again, so are you. Sometimes things feel like they are sins but they really aren't. This confusion can happen because of the way we were raised, the culture we live in, or other causes like mental, spiritual, or emotional disturbances. The contrary is also true. Sometimes we have sinned and don't even know it. Either way, this stems from an imperfectly formed conscience. Allow me to articulate a few things that ought not be confessed. It's not uncommon for people to confess emotions. This is likely because many people are told that certain emotions are acceptable and some are not. However, God created our emotions. They are not a result of Original Sin. What is a result of the effects of Original Sin is the disorder of the passions. Because we struggle with these effects, we can often act disproportionately out of our emotions. It's that disproportionate action that ought to be confessed, not the emotion behind it.

Sometimes pride can be found in subtile places. One place it can be found is in shifting blame for one's own sins on to another, even in part. I believe it was Mother Angelica who jokingly said, "I'd be a saint if it wasn't for all of you." Ha! Well, in the confessional we shouldn't reference the sins of others. Now, to be fair, sometimes this does fit as a valid circumstance. But you should ask yourself, before you justify accosting your sibling by recalling to the priest how she looked at you funny, whether that cross-eyed look she gave you actually compelled you to knock her tooth loose or not. Probably not.

Never confess sins that you have already confessed (with one exception). Sometimes the gravity of our past sins is so great that we carry them with us even after we have confessed them and made satisfaction by way of the assigned penance. Some people will, in a desire to be free of the guilt, anxiety, sorrow, etc., confess already confessed sins over and over again. This is not spiritually healthy. There is only one occasion when confessing already confessed sins is spiritually healthy and that is if you are making a General Confession under the care of a Spiritual Director or regular Confessor who is helping you prepare for a major event like marriage, ordination, or some type of religious or secular consecration. Otherwise, do not confess already confessed sins. What you are likely experiencing is your conscience tugging at your heart to satisfy justice. In other words, the penance assigned for your sins by the priest may not have been enough to satisfy justice. You can address this by merely taking on a simple and fitting penance for that past offense until you feel as if you have made sufficient reparation for it. Don't confuse this with whether you have been forgiven or not. We can be certain of our forgiveness when the priest pronounces the words of absolution. Remember, if you experience this continued or lurking feeling of guilt about sins already confessed, it is not about forgiveness. The feeling is merely about the need to make a fuller restitution than you have already done so far. So, assign yourself a penance!

Now what?

When you have left the confessional it is wise to immediately fulfill your penance if possible. The sooner the better. We are forgetful, busy creatures. It's easy to forget to do our assigned penance. If you cannot do it right away, make sure you make satisfaction as soon as possible. Also, you should consider how best to implement the counsel given by the priest so that you can grow in the spiritual life. After that, say an Act of Thanksgiving so that you can express your gratitude to God for offering you the great gift of his unfailing mercy.

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We launched an OCD chatbot! To meet and interact with our new friend, Pax the OCD Bot, head here. INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS Search What is OCD? OCD Symptoms OCD Treatment Donate Support Group About us Blog Mindfulness Addiction Family Comorbidity Faith Relationships School Self-Harm Sexuality Stigma Suicide Work es | en Join Our Newsletter Follow us on Living with Pedophilia OCD What’s Going On? Pedophilia OCD, or POCD, is a subset of OCD in which a sufferer has unwanted harmful or sexual thoughts about children. This subtype often results in panic, anguish, shame and depression. People living with POCD have no desire to harm a child, yet they’re tormented by thoughts of doing so. The difference between someone living with POCD and an actual pedophile couldn’t be greater. A pedophile takes pleasure in situations in which they have an opportunity to find sexual gratification around children. Someone living with POCD will do the exact opposite. Sufferers of POCD are so horrified by their thoughts that they will avoid children at all costs. The nature of this subtype is so taboo that it often leads to years of suffering in silence. Pedophilia OCD Professional Perspective What is Pedophilia OCD (POCD)? Common Pedophilia OCD obsessions: Fear of having sexual thoughts about a child or young adult. Fear of getting aroused when you’re around a child or young adult. Fear that you sexually assaulted a child or young adult in the past. Common Pedophilia OCD compulsions: Avoidance. Staying away from social situations where there might be children. Fear. You’re afraid you might act on your thoughts, and children around you may be at risk. Character indictment. You think you’re a bad, twisted person for having sexual thoughts or thinking you’re attracted to children. Research. Becoming preoccupied with the morality or legality of finding a person younger than 18 attractive or sexual. Common misconceptions about Pedophilia OCD: OCD only comes in one, general type. Subsets like POCD don’t exist. Thinking that any person under the age of 18 is even remotely attractive is a sign of pedophilia. It’s not OK to watch shows or look at photos that portray young adults in a provocative way. Related Articles Pure O: An Exploration into a Lesser-known Form of OCD Talking Pedophilia OCD with Dr. Steven Phillipson 9 Signs That You Might Have Pedophilia OCD (POCD) What’s Going On Down There? OCD and Arousal See All From the Community How Do I Know it’s OCD? Everyone gets intrusive thoughts, but having them doesn’t mean you have OCD. For people who do have OCD, these thoughts can be debilitating, causing extreme anxiety and discomfort. No matter how hard you try to get rid of them, they won’t go away. Having intrusive thoughts does not make you a bad person. They are a misfiring in the brain, not a reflection of your character. When you have POCD, you become preoccupied with proving to yourself that you don’t find children attractive. Your thoughts make you feel like a monster and an outsider. You are horrified by the idea that you may hurt a child, and are obsessed with determining if you are truly “good” or “bad.” Similar to HOCD and ROCD, your brain gives off a distressing response and controls your feelings of guilt and innocence. Everyday Examples of POCD: Feeling distraught over going to the beach. You know that you’ll see children and young adults in swimsuits, and you’re afraid this will cause unwanted thoughts or, even worse, arousal. Instead of going to the beach, you avoid it at all costs. Experiencing distress over spending time alone in a room with a small child. Your sister wants you to babysit your nephew, but you’re terrified you’ll act out your unwanted thoughts. Instead of accepting her request, you say “no” and research the legal repercussions of having these associations instead. You’re at a dinner with family and are sitting across from your young niece. Suddenly, your brain starts to make terrible, harmful associations so you excuse yourself from the table. How can my family help with my POCD? Many sufferers feel extreme shame when disclosing their POCD thoughts to loved ones. Family members and friends must remember to be open minded and supportive. However, it’s important to not provide reassurance. Doing so can make things worse. Saying things like “You wouldn’t hurt a child.” or “I’ve known you my whole life, you’d never do anything like that.” may provide momentary relief, but can strengthen intrusive thoughts long term. Getting used to this can take time. The support often comes from bringing up specific thoughts or associations, and lightheartedly joking about them. It may sound silly, but it can help the sufferer while they go through treatment. Is Recovery Possible for Me? Yes! The ideal treatment for someone with Pedophilia OCD is Exposure Response Prevention Therapy (ERP). ERP is when you voluntarily expose yourself to the source of your fear over and over and over again, without acting out any compulsion to neutralize or stop the fear. By repeatedly facing something you’re afraid of, you force your brain to recognize how irrational it is. Examples of ERP treatment: You may be asked to purposely notice children on the street or visit a place where children often spend time, like the park. As time goes on, you may be asked to watch TV shows featuring children or young adults. In addition, you may be asked to search for pictures of children online. There are other treatment options as well. Mindfulness-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, also known as CBT, teaches people to identify, understand and change negative thinking patterns and behaviors. Patients are taught problem-solving skills during therapy lessons and then instructed to practice them on their own time in order to build positive habits. Can medication help? Medication can help alongside ERP, but it shouldn’t replace it. Doctors should always be consulted before considering medicinal options. The main family of medicines used to treat OCD are known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, or SSRIs. SSRIs enhance your natural serotonin activity and are used to treat major depressive disorders and anxiety conditions. Examples include Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft. What is the goal of therapy? Some people with Pedophilia OCD recover completely through ERP. But for many, their obsessions never fully go away. Progress in POCD treatment often comes in the form of distancing your character from you intrusive thoughts. You realize that they do not define you, and even though they may still pop up, you know that you are not a risk to others. OCD recovery has more to do with managing the condition, than it does with eliminating it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t lead a healthy, happy life. By prioritizing treatment and positive lifestyle habits, sufferers often gain confidence and freedom. Even if some anxiety is still present by the end of therapy, you’ll no longer feel debilitated by the condition. If you suffer from OCD, you have a severe anxiety disorder. But it can be treated. Start by getting educated and making healthy living choices. Then find a clinical psychologist in your area who specializes in OCD and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). Pedophilia OCD Checklist Explore Treatment Empower yourself with relatable stories, news and professional tips. Join Our Newsletter Follow us on Changing Minds Together. 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