#good luck bc of soras promise to bring riku good luck

[gulava]

It's funny...Suddenly I feel like I don't know myself at all...I guess I would like to know. What do you know about me...that I don't?

[twinkuraba]

I once wrote a kinda sad Riku/Neku fic (with mentions of (temporary) break up Soriku), but I lost the steam for it a looong time ago so I’m posting what little of it I did manage to write now bc I still think it’s some of my stronger writing.

TW for: Unhealthy relationship, suicidal ideation 

The argument he’d had with Sora had been stupidly blown out of proportion into a storm of anger and hurt. One small lie, one missed favour, had spiralled uncontrollably until they were screaming in each other’s faces, hands clenched tight.

The look in Sora’s eyes as he’d said they were done, he never wanted to see Riku again, would haunt him for the rest of his life he was sure. 

He hadn’t wanted to stay on the islands, small and confining, so he’d taken a boat, then a train, to the nearest city with a half decent nightlife and proceeded to get himself plastered and wake up with an unknown redhead beside him and no memory how either of them had gotten there.

At the time, Riku knew jumping into another relationship so soon, especially with a one-night stand he knew nothing about, was moronic. But he’d been hurt and he hadn’t slept alone in years and there’d been something in his partner’s eyes that said he was sad and lonely and… 

So he and Neku had fallen into a relationship almost immediately.

During the ‘honeymoon stage’, things were wonderful. Neku’s friends approved of him and how happy they seemed to be, the two of them managed to easily co-exist around each other in a way Riku thought only Sora could, and neither of them wanted to fight or argue, instead just rolling their eyes or giving up with a fond ‘why do I bother’ and a kiss to make it better.

It really was too perfect. Riku knew it when he caught himself confusing the other man for Sora out of the corner of his eye and the disappointment when he was wrong. Knew it when Neku would stop himself short with the wrong name about to come out from his lips and look chagrined.

But Neku was all Riku had, and Riku was Neku’s. So they fell into an unhealthy routine.

He would wake up most days as he did any other.

Get up, go to the bathroom, give Neku a polite ‘good morning’ in the kitchen and ignore that the redhead was nothing like the man he’d left behind and the ever present guilt of their sham of a relationship.

If that day was a good day, they’d talk carefully around the heavy subjects and maybe cuddle and pretend they both actually had who they wanted. Maybe one of them would only slip up with the wrong name a few times, and the other would let it pass to keep the peace.

If the day was a bad day, he wouldn’t be able to look at Neku without seeing Sora. They’d argue and spit at history irrelevant to the other, directing their venom at the ghosts imposed over each other’s faces. Neku would eat less than he already did, Riku would storm out of the apartment for the day, and they’d play at sweetness the next.

If it was one of those rare days… It was like the return of their honeymoon stage. Riku was Riku and Neku was Neku, yet those days were the most awkward of them all because they couldn’t lie to each other how messed up they were, how badly their relationship was burning or how they dragged each other down. 

Every rare day, they made empty promises of ‘This time. We’re really going to break up this time.’ and never made action to do it. 

Instead, Riku made excuses (lies) to Neku’s friends why they were still together. That their relationship wasn’t that bad, Neku was just having a hard time dealing with what was going on in his head and what kind of boyfriend would Riku be if he abandoned him because of that?

Didn’t mention the days where he would have to force food down Neku’s throat. The times he’d caught Neku staring out the window as if the glass wasn’t there and he wanted to walk out it. His own blow outs; you didn’t do this, why aren’t you more that, the deep cutting insults he’d try to pass off as jokes later as if he didn’t know Neku’s state was far more fragile than Sora had ever been (and ignoring the quick, guilty thoughts ‘He’s just much too sensitive, why can’t he be more like Sora?’).

It was probably his fucked up hero complex too; his fear that if he left, who would stop Neku from listening to that dark voice in his head that wanted to take his life? Pull him away from windows or edges if the redhead was starting to look tempted, or hold him and reassure him when he thought no one cared about him or would miss him? (Maybe if he pretended hard enough, his fake romantic feelings could convince Neku to get help). 

Neku was there for his nightmares, Holding him in turn and murmuring platitudes until they both dropped off to sleep. If he’d ever been offended it was always Sora’s name on his lips when RIku woke, he never showed it, just kissed him as sweet as a fairytale (It took Riku far too long to realise it was probably just confirmation in the redhead’s eyes of his messed up view of the world).

-

It was a humid night, Neku was deep in thought staring at nothing, and Riku was waiting for sleep to come. “Riku, we should break up” his voice was soft, whispered as if carrying an important secret.

“I’m not leaving you, Neku.” He tried to force out a small laugh, as if there was anything to find humorous about their situation “Besides, you say that so often and never really mean it.” Make it a laugh, as if they were an ordinary couple having a joke argument.

There was a humourless smile curling Neku’s lips. “I mean it this time. We can’t keep doing this ‘Ku. Or rather, I can’t keep dragging you down with me.” Riku felt a hand swipe gently against his cheek. “You’re a good guy, someone who’ll go places once you find a direction. I’ve just… given up and the only place I’m gonna end up is a hole in the ground.”

He rolled onto his back, pulling Neku onto his chest “Don’t say that. I’m staying as long as you’ll have me. And you’re going to go far too, Neku. When you pick up your art again, you’ll see. The way you’re feeling is just temporary…”

“It’s been ‘temporary’ for months. I’m not going to get better and I think it’s time we both came clean about it. This isn’t good for either of us, hasn’t been since the day we started. Should've just stayed a one-night stand.”

He brushed away the hair over Neku’s eyes “Are you sure? I really don’t mind staying with you.” As twisted as it was, Riku found their messed up relationship comfortable, familiar. Leaving Neku would mean facing what had happened with Sora.

“You don’t love me though. You love a brunet called Sora that you’ve regretted leaving ever since we met. And you don’t really want to stay, that’s just your ‘I want to help everyone’ acting up again because you think I’m going to be an uncontrollably suicidal mess without you. I was managing myself before you came into my life, I can do it again when you leave it.”

He pressed his thumbs into Neku’s skin, a body so familiar, yet not right. Even after all these months, Neku still felt off in his arms… “Ok. We’ll break up.”

“And you’ll go back to see Sora?”

“If that’s what you want. If things go well, I’ll bring him to visit.” It was an empty, obvious lie, and from the wry smile in response, Neku knew it.

“You do that then, and I’ll get better in the meantime. You won’t even recognise me.”

All he could do was give him an empty smile in return. These were promises neither of them were going to keep. Riku was never going to come back, and Neku, well, Riku hoped he at least wouldn’t get worse.

The next morning, he started the usual routine. Bathroom, good morning in kitchen. But there were no half-hearted kisses, or pretences of being a couple. Neku leaned against the counters and sipped at his coffee, and Riku studied train timetables with his help.

Soon enough, Riku had his small amount of things packed, but hesitated before he left this small apartment for good.

“I probably shouldn’t, but” he dumped his single bag by the door, cupped Neku’s face, and gave him a chaste but long kiss “for good luck, and goodbye.” 

And it was Neku’s face before him, giving him a slightly sad look with a matching smile.

“Yeah” he replied softly “Goodbye.”