#got stress-induced heartburn writing this

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

have you ever fallen in love?

how do i know whether i'm falling in love?

shouldn't it be beautiful? why is this so disorienting.. it's definitely not the right circumstance and quite a hopeless situation

i don't know what's happening to me and i don't know who can i talk to about this irl but it's affecting me a lot more than i expected

sorry this is random, have a nice day

oh, nonnie 🥺🖤 i have fallen in love.

i can't tell you whether or not you're in love (i was hardly able to admit it to myself that first time), that's something you have to figure out for yourself. i will say this, though: films and books and music love to romanticise it, but i can definitely identify with your feelings of disorientation.

the first time i fell in love, it felt like being pulled out to sea by a riptide. like i was caught in some great current. it was terrifying. certainly not beautiful.

i remember sobbing to my friend one night (after a few glasses) "why can't i think of anything else? why can't i get him out of my head?". it felt, helplessly, as if all thoughts led to him. every time i opened my mouth his name slipped out and, like a deluge, there was nothing i could do to stop it.

because i was frightened of the enormity of it all, the power these feelings had over me–and because i was a very insecure person at the time who felt as if there was no way someone could ever love her back, even though all my friends told me he did, and even though there were plenty of signs that he had feelings for me too –i lied to myself.

i told myself i wasn't in love. i told myself that i just wanted to be friends. that i was content to be in his life however he'd have me, which was certainly not as a love interest because there was no way he was into me like that.

but everyone knows you aren't supposed to swim against the rip-current. that's how you end up draining all your energy, by fighting something that is a force of nature. that's how you end up drowning.

and i did.

i don't mean to get all cautionary tale on you. i want you to know that you're not crazy for feeling this way, and if what you're experiencing is love, i don't want you to panic.

my advice to you is the same advice given about riptides. find the thin shoreline of hope and allow yourself to swim parallel to it. allow yourself to imagine what it would be like to give yourself to, not the feeling of love itself, but the person you love. and imagine yourself worthy of love in return, because you are.

i promise you, nothing is ever hopeless.

in any case, if you ever need a place for your feelings to go, my inbox is always open. sending you much love, nonnie 🖤

[ireneinisolation-blog]

3/23 - Symptoms

Jeez, I really need to start getting to this earlier in the day. Maybe eliminate some looking at social media in the middle of the day.

So I don’t have any symptoms. Not that I can tell anyway. It makes me nervous that I could be someone who gets the virus and doesn’t experience any symptoms. Even though I am socially distancing and sheltering in place at this point, I will touch things like door handles in the hallway of my apartment complex, and I would hate to be a unwitting vector for the virus. On the other hand, I’m also worried (when I allow my brain to wander in this direction which is admittedly not that often) that I could not only get symptoms, but get really severe ones. Who the fuck knows who that’ll happen to?? Yes, we know that old people and people with certain underlying health conditions are more at risk, but it seems that there are plenty of exceptions. But let’s not think about all that. At the moment, I don’t seem to have any symptoms and no reason to think that I would have the virus aside from the fact that a lot of people have it now.

What if I got mild symptoms? Like I did exhibit something, but very mild symptoms that are easy to confuse? More likely, people will confuse all other things with coronavirus at this time. And I’m sure as hell not gonna go try to get tested or anything even if I exhibit symptoms because I know that is a clusterfuck.

Chest pain. I have been getting that recently. Well, not so much pain, but it is indeed discomfort. What do I make of that?? I don’t usually have that. Well in the present circumstance, I guess I would assume that it pertains to my extremely heightened anxiety. Maybe a bit of congestion from my seasonal tree pollen allergies (which have been insane since mid February). Maybe it is a bit of heartburn caused by the anxiety and from the allergy induced asthma. Who the fuck knows. Oh, and what about panic attacks? Maybe I’m just having a constant partial panic attack. Or maybe it is a heart attack. Doubtful, but I do feel extra stressed recently for some reason. Wonder what that could be.

Definitely had a cough. From the allergies. As mentioned.

I guess I do have symptoms. What I should have said is that I have a lot of overlapping symptoms but so far none of them really suggest it being coronavirus.

What’s the other symptoms of coronavirus? there are so fucking few that are also the symptoms of about a million other things, which is tricky.

Shortness of breath. That’s right. Yep, have that too. But that’s another one I’ve had since mid february related to the aforementioned terrible tree pollen allergies.

An interesting new potential symptom seen in otherwise asymptomatic cases that was just recently announced is that people lose their sense of smell and taste. Those are still well in tact, thank goodness. In quarantine, there are few life pleasures to be enjoyed, and eating is still among one of the remaining possibilities. I think I will notice quite clearly when I lose that one. That’s good at least. I’ll notice one symptom.

Alternatively, I could have a terrible case with symptoms impossible to miss. Oh yeah, I had decided not to think about that anymore though.

Weird. Fucking. Times.

Now for the daily updates. I have very few because the diversity of tasks that I completed today was quite limited. I worked from home for a major chunk of the day and got a fair amount of work done. In the evening, I spent more time reading on social media than I should have. Spent some time browsing okcupid (I’ll have to write a whole post for “dating” in quarantine... another time though). I cleaned a bit, but less that I should have....

I did make a delicious dinner. Fried brown rice (not sure if brown rice is normally used for fried rice, but I thought it was delicious) with mushrooms, chimichurri (parsley, olive oil, salt, and garlic) for extra flavor, and of course some scrambled egg, plus a side of lemon garlic asparagus. After dinner I made some gluten free peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, and they are delicious! I am still quite full from my feast, even now at 11:30! Probably not good timing to be so full right before bed.

I failed to go outside today. The governor made a suggestion that we try to go outside less to minimize contact. I followed directions today, but I’m not saying I will always do so. Anyway, it’s fucking tree pollen season and I need to keep my allergies under control.

I need to do some running or walking tomorrow. I fear that by the time we are finally let out of our cages (what is it predicted, a year from now?!) that I will have gone totally insane. At which time I probably wouldn’t be able to enjoy as thoroughly the refreshed freedom. So I gotta stay sane now so I can enjoy going back to my real life later.

[theradiologyanatomy-blog]

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