#graduating senior here lolololol

[squash1]

sorry. “light follows darkness” ???? but in latin???greywaren is for the mentally ill kids who are growing into mentally ill adults and don’t know how to exist anymore. it just is.

[lilroar]

Unimportant Confession

suddenly i wanna write a confession. i’ve dated 4 boys in my life. officially. 4 boys unofficial lol. i never admitted to everyone how many exactly boys ive dated. heh. we begin from the official one:

1st, C: i dated this boy when i was on.... primary school. i was on 5th grade. damn. actually i didnt know that i dated him. this was because of his friend -_- i was so uneducated about romance thingy so when my friend, who also his friend, asked me to date C.. i said yes because i had no idea what he meant. then after i realized what happened to us, it was so awkward................. we broke up 6 months later because i had no feeling and we were so... weird?? i hated it our relationship turned to be like that so i said “i dont wanna continue this. lets break up” in my letter. yes. im that old.

2nd, S: then, on 6th grade i was so close to S. after a few months we dated lolololol damn my primary school days -_- everything was smooth. we played, did homework, and joked together. but i couldnt go anywhere with him, just two of us. i was banned to date everyone until i graduated from high school hahahaha. so we just texted and played at school. after that, we graduated and continued to different junior high school. here our problem came hahaha. we barely texted or called and met each other. then his older bro didnt like me idfk why. after 6 months (?) (not too) long distance relationship, i heard that he dated another girl from his school. so i just said to him, lets break up and walk on our own paths. i didnt have any feeling towards him anymore tho. so we were fine even after broke up hehe.

3rd, I: whoa..... this one.... hnggg i really wanna forget and vanish this memory -__- this one... i said yes to him because i was afraid (?) he was so fragile and that time i didnt want to hurt anyone (yeah so naive and dumb). so we dated for..... i even forgot how long we date lol. and i also forgot how we broke up lmaoooo. okay, i dont wanna continue about him. all i remember is i dated on my 7th grade and he was in grade 8. yeah, he was my senior.

For the unofficial, this meant we never said "we're dating". we just... went along together being more than friends. platonic relationships. there were 4 boys. one of them just being used for a revenge lol. he dated my senior who was close to me, but then he said to his gf that he liked me. i was so.... ???????? damn ma. after i broke up with I we were so close like a couple. but then i just left him without word heh. at the same time i was in platonic relationship with someone else hhhh bij. the last one........ skip. i dont wanna hurt anymore hahaha.

[rue-by-another-name]

How long have you and Calum been together? Also I think it is necessary to remind you how lovely and cute you are 💙💙💙

Oh boy here we go. That’s a tricky question. We’ve known each other since freshmen year of high school when we started boarding at the same boarding school. We started out as dance partners so we hung out a lot together in class but didn’t become really good friends until around halfway through sophomore year. So we were friends first, and I was dating a real awful person honestly and so he was kind of there to help me through getting out of that relationship and I think that’s when I realized that here was this kid that had been my friend for ages and he was so much nicer than my actual boyfriend was and Calum didn’t expect anything in return, you know? He was just being a good friend. 

And so we were getting to graduation senior year and I had been accepted to American U of Paris and he had ask been accepted there and we were both working at a dance camp in California that summer and so we road tripped out together and grew even closer and there was a moment we let our friendship slip and I thought something might come from that but he was so sure he wanted to be friends because at this point he was afraid he was going to lose me as a friend if we were to ever break up. So I was going to go to Berkley at this time and when we were in California, we visited the campus and right off the bat he could tell I didn’t really like it. And at this point I just kind of knew I needed to go home to Europe and that idea of living in Europe was something Calum had never had before and he at this time was going to be going to the University of North Carolina. But we just kind of decided that as long as we both had each other, we might as well take this trip out to Paris while we’re still young, you know? Go on an adventure and get an education while we’re there.

And Calum knew he wanted to study photography and he was still going to minor in dance, but I went into school thinking I was going to be the world’s next best ballerina because that’s what I’d been studying all through high school and had invested so much time into dance and loved it. And so we were in the same dorm building area for a little while and he was dating this girl suddenly - like we got there, put our bags down, and suddenly he was dating this girl. And I was just beside myself. I think I truly started to realize how much I liked him at this point as more than a friend and I was just so distraught. But he seemed happy so for half our freshmen year I just let it go. And then he found out through someone else mistakenly that I had feelings for him while he was still dating this girl and it was literally such a mess. He was so angry with me because - at the time - said that he was happy with this girl and now I was ruining all of that. 

When, in reality, he talks about it now and he says that he was so angry with himself for wasting all this time trying to be invested in this girl when he was truly trying to get rid of the feelings he’d been having for me ever since our road trip (ahhh I know). But we had our winter recess and didn’t talk at all and we came back to school and didn’t talk much and I know I was hurting a lot and Calum now admits he was really messed up about it. But talk started coming up among all our friends about where we would all be living off campus and whatnot and I had contacts at this bakery and they were going to let me stay in this small flat above them as long as I worked for them and then paid some of the rent while working for the compensation. And Calum just kind of said, “You know, if you’re looking for a roommate then that location would be really good for me,” and so we just started talking again as we started thinking through moving in and all that stuff. 

And from there we just kind of grew back together and at one point we were just kind of honest with each other saying that you know, we’ve been acting like a couple and we know how we feel about each other so we should just be a thing or whatever and that was kind of it. We didn’t date long before we got engaged - about a year or so. And so around the time of the Paris attacks I was out grocery shopping - and I was fully fine and never hurt but I’d left my phone at the flat and so Calum was just kind of beside himself the entire time which I feel bad about, but I get back and he’s just like, “We should get married. I don’t want to ever feel like I won’t be with you ever again,” and so we just kind of got engaged. And we’ve been engaged ever since. 

We work really well together and I think that’s because we were such great friends before we got together. We talk things out and we support one another so much and he seriously is the greatest. Like, after the Paris attacks I was telling him how I really think I wanted to go into journalism but that would be a huge switch of careers obviously. But he supported me through the whole thing and even helped me apply for the Turkey program even though I would be away from him for months. He’s just the greatest guy and I know he really loves me because he’s always reminding me in small ways, as I am him. And I’m just so proud of all the work he’s done in his photography career and I’ll just tag along sometimes and hold whatever he needs me to or clean some lenses while he’s working and I’m just so, so proud of him and all the hard work he’s put into it. 

But yeah ... that’s my sappy “I’m almost married omg” story because he’s gone and I miss him ugh but he comes back so freaking soon today and also we graduate tomorrow?????????? So like WHAAAATTTTTTTTTTT. 

Anyway, there’s the long story you never actually wanted but you’re getting anyway lolololol. 

[hvzardly]

In Malaysia, we go thru three tiers of formal education (minus preschools or playschools lol). The first 6 years, we went to primary school. Then, secondary school for 5 years (aka le high school). Then, tertiary schools (colleges, universities etc).

There is a big exam at the end of the 6th year of primary school. If you score, you may get chosen to enrol into good schools. Boarding schools ranked at the top; the aim for everyone (who are aware of this lol).

So from my primary school, 26 got straight A's in all subjects. More than half of them got called to these good schools. One of them was me lah. Hahahah. Tho me was not aware of le existence of the boarding school system. Me thot they were just private-owned like in le movies. Lololol again. Together with me, there were 4 others from le old shool.

Me been longing to leave home for boarding schools tho; so this is like a golden dream came true to me. Unfortunately, life at le hostel was not as pretty as it seemed. Not especially for an easy target like me. Yesh yesh. Me got bullied a lot. Tho hard for me, me never minded le physical things. Kinda enjoyed em too; cos le seniors be recognising me more than others. Lol. Attention seeker much. What bothered me the most was this one Abang Roy; who be psychoing me and mentally torturing me much. Donno why; but he liked to inject all sorts of advices that mostly won't even make sense for a 12ish year old like me.

So me ended up callin home, beggin Mama to take me out of le school. Huhuu. Fag much, me know. Luckily Mama was resistant. And me managed to stay at le school till le nexy 5 years. Even when Abang went and asked me which one is Abang Roy, me refused to tell. Lol lagi.

Bullying or we call ragging, could be divided into several types. The army type punishments i.e. 1000 pushups or an hour-long squat or something were all fine wimme. Or even mental ragging like telling you to look for 5 packs of Maggi while only giving you 5 cents or no money at all; or to bear squitos attacks without allowing us to move an inch or doing laundry for their super dirty and stinky after rugby practice jerseys were also fine. But that mental torture was.. hmm.. me donno. Ironically, me stay in good relation with Abang Roy up until now. Haha. Him, and all le bullies. Hehehe.

Still; the mental torture was nothing compared to the one in taboo - the beatings. Beatings were not carried out often. It was only reserved for big cases like illegal smoking (only certain grades were allowed to), or flying (illegal outing through the back fence) or the ultimate case - stealing.

As crazy as it sounds, yes; all of le above somehow were the keys to a good relationship between le senior and juniors. Did me tell you that most senior remember me for that? Oh me did. Heheh. Well that, and le singing la. Hahaha.

So what did all these have to do with le Cikgu on tv just now? Heheh.

Apparently, later me knew that Mama consulted him to talk me into staying. He was le Vice Principal cum the Head Warden. He was also the one we went to, if we needed to ask to go home on certain occasions like kenduri or wedding or sickness or something (by default, we were only allowed to go home once a month, the earliest).

He was an alumni, himself. Uncle's batch, if me not mistaken.

We all liked him; me think. He was not soft. Not at all. He was not funny either. But he was cool. He treated and handled all cases (oh yes; eventho all bullyings and raggings shall remain secrets among us, he knew) so cooooooolly. He went to school there. Then became a teacher. Then, years after we left, he became the Principal. Now, he's with le Ministry.

All teachers have their pets. And me kinda feel that our batch was one of his favs. Hehe. Cos one of le wardens tend to pick on us; but this Cikgu would back us up each time.

He didn't act like a cop, but a father. And later when me went back to school with le bestie once (she needed endorsements for her PHD application back then), he insisted on treatin me to a drink. He said, back then we mighy be his student.. but once graduated, we are now his friends. Lol. Yes, in all seriousness with serious deep tone of his.

Sorry if le essay was all over the place. Usually me would re read and recompose; but in this layout, toksoh lah. Hahaha.

And me would love for le pandababies to study here tho; if they be as smart la.

Lolololol.

Nite2, Mama Bears.