#grandma's house exploding. every. night. and that it would be my fault. because we got those little doll thingies in kindergarten that we

[running-in-the-dark]

'fun' childhood memory time again:

when I was a kid, maybe 6 or 7, my mother and I were out riding our bikes together (I think that was unusual in itself). we were outside our village where there were fields and nothing else. then the path in the direction we were going in was blocked by a 'private road' sign that said you weren't allowed to go that way.

my mother said we'll go anyway (which would absolutely be fine, everyone does that and no one would mind - which I know now). I said we can't because that's not allowed. she insisted we go anyway, and I broke down crying because I was so scared and horrified. I had no idea where we were exactly but I was so upset that I turned around and went home on my own when she refused to go another way.

that's still a funny story she likes to tell sometimes (about how I was such a little governess who wanted everyone to always follow her rules). because it's sooo normal for a small child to have a breakdown over that (I couldn't stop crying the rest of the day because it scared me so much). because if a child reacted that way in front of me I would not think 'oh you're so bossy, you always want to get your way', I would think 'this child is so anxious that she can't do something completely fine and normal because a fucking sign says it's not allowed'.

or the time she told me to go to the dentist with her instead of going to school and I cried for hours (I had to go with her, she said so. but that's not allowed and I will get in trouble and I will have to lie about it and lying makes you a bad person). or literally dozens of other examples like that. it's probably unfair but I really do resent my parents for never realising/caring that that is not normal, and getting me the help I clearly needed (because now I'm 32 and just figuring out that that's not how other people feel and getting help is hard and scary).

[ask-villain-izuku-midoriya]

Talking about abuse and toxic families

Ace again. Kinda wanna talk about something.

A lot of people are convinced that I was lying about my family. About how bad it was there.

At first, I just thought of our relationship as unhealthy. But some people made me realize it was beyond that.

It was abusive. Physically, verbally and mentally.

Remember when I stated before that someone close to me broke my glasses and tried to kill me? That was my mom. She also lied about it to my dad, saying that I tried to attack her, and naturally he believed her.

My dad also made an attempt on my life once. I got in trouble for watching TV while wiping down the table. I still remember it all. It was on a Thursday night, and American Idol was on. It was near the finals, and Casey James’s cover of Mrs. Robinson was playing. I was 9 at the time. My dad was laying on the couch when my mom told him, and he called me over. He asked me why, and I got scared. I was stammering and shaking, and then he got up.

I remember him standing in front of me for a good 5 seconds, and it made me realize how small I was to him.

Then he grabbed me by the neck.

He picked me up and yelled, “ANSWER THE GOD DAMN QUESTION! WHY?!”

I don’t think I had ever been so scared in my life. I genuinely thought he was going to kill me.

I guess he realized that what he did was wrong(that or he realized that, y’know, when you got your hands around someone’s neck, they can’t really answer you), because he set me down and told me to go to my room(which I’m gonna talk about in a minute).

My mom came in after me, and told me to go brush my teeth, “because she sure as hell wasn’t gonna pay a dentist to do it.(also gonna talk about in a minute)”

Afterwards, she got her turn of yelling at me and wrestling me and making me feel like shit. She left for about 20 minutes, probably so that she could calm down a bit and put on a sugary sweet facade and apologize.

I forgave her. Stupid me. Only hurt me worse.

But my dad never apologized.

They’re mostly faded but I have scars on my back from when they spanked me. They experimented with everything: wooden spoons, plastic spatulas, belts, sandals, books, even a plastic hairbrush of mine.

My mom also punished me by pouring things down my throat. Tabasco sauce, Dawn soap, vinegar, you name it. I remember one time I said a bad word and my mom made my siblings pour vinegar in my mouth. I was standing there, sobbing and drooling like a rabid fucking dog, while she lounged in the pool and watched. To this day, if I even smell Dawn soap or Tabasco sauce, I start gagging. I have to have my coworkers make the hot wings at work, because I can’t fucking stand it.

One time we had this bulldog named Hercules, who was really aggressive. He attacked one of our other dogs and I tried to break up the fight. I ended up with a chunk of my arm missing, and after the incident, my mom blamed me, saying that I was stupid enough to try and break them up that it was my fault. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, and that just kinda crushed me.

By 11 I was having...thoughts. Thoughts of, would they be happier people if I just didn’t exist? I felt like I was just an ant to everyone. Nobody would be hurt or be sad if I left.

The sad part was, it wasn’t just my parents. It was my siblings too.

Things got worse as I got older. One time my mom poured Dawn soap in my mouth, and then got in my face and screamed at me. I tried to talk, but my mouth was full of soap and it got in her eye. She punched me hard, so hard that I fell over. Later I looked in the mirror and saw blood running from my nose to my collarbone.

Others have witnessed the actual abuse happening. My grandma(her mom), my grandpa(my dad’s dad), my brother’s dive coach, my sister’s boyfriend/family friend, my brother’s friends, everyone.

One time my sister was mad at me when we went to the grocery, and sent me to get some ginger root. The ginger root was massive, so I tried to pick the smallest one. When I came back, she was pissed off that the one I grabbed was still pretty big. I tried explaining to her that they were all big, she threatened to punch the shit out of me, and that she didn’t care if she got arrested for it. The bagger saw it all, and asked me if I was okay.

It’s a sign that things are not okay when you have to smile through the tears and lie through your teeth.

My room was literally a walk-in closet. There was no built-in AC so often I would have to sleep in a 104 degree room. If I even TRIED using the bathroom or getting water, I would get in trouble, causing me to develop UTIs.

I only went to the doctor once every couple of years. They were just for check-ups. That was it. One time I had a bad stomach flu, it was probably the sickest I had ever been, and I begged, PLEADED for them to take me to the doctor. And they just said that I ate too much pizza. They didn’t believe it was a stomach bug until everyone else caught it.

Basically I was the joke in the family. Everyone was so successful, and I just felt like they were comparing me to them and rubbing it in my face. After I failed out, whenever the topic of my siblings’ success came up, my mom would scoff and say, “Well, I got the first three right, dunno about the last.” Every time she said that, it hurt so much.

One time my brother told me nobody in the household loved me, just that they were forced to love me because I was family. It’s been years since he told me that, and it still hasn’t gone away.

By 15 the thoughts escalated into voices. Voices that echoed everything they said about me. They still haunt me to this day. By then I needed glasses and nobody believed me, and I felt like I was abandoned.

At sixteen I was having suicidal thoughts. I had lived out part of my life and it wasn’t enough. Nobody loved me, nobody cared for me. Living was pointless. Classmates saw what was happening but when CPS came, all they saw was the pool, the nice cars, the TV and video game setup(which I was never allowed to touch because I was always in trouble with them), all of that. They didn’t see how I procrastinated on going home. They didn’t see the scars my mom had left on my skin. They didn’t see that my anxiety had developed into a skin picking disorder, and that I had torn up my skin because of how bad it was.

I wasn’t allowed to have friends over, or go over to a friend’s house. If my classmates gave me a ride, my mom would fucking explode. I wasn’t allowed a phone. In junior year my mom saw that I was listening to YouTube while writing an essay at school and locked me out of my school email. That was part of why I failed. Didn’t have access to my own homework.

I felt alone. My mom told me that I didn’t have friends at school, that the people I called “friends” were younger kids, and they only were my friends because nobody in my grade liked me or wanted to be around me. My siblings said that nobody would want to date my ugly fat ass.

With both of my jobs, she wouldn’t let me go to work unless I finished all of my chores. Sometimes she would make do really hard stuff, like mowing the grass, so that by the time I would get to work, I was drained. Plus, they made sure I didn’t touch my paychecks.

I spent $85 on a present for my mom on Valentine’s day, and I never got a thank you, further proving that I was unappreciated there.

I’ve tried so many things to keep my family happy, sometimes going a day without food because I didn’t want to eat something of theirs and upset them. I have bought them gifts, I have tried having fun conversations, I have gotten them food, I have done almost everything.

But it was never enough. I’d just feel so cold and empty inside.

I could keep going on about what all they did to me. But the moral of the story is: don’t stick around for somebody who’s gonna treat you like shit. Because all they’re gonna do is take advantage and hurt you even more.

[tenglows]

sweet aftertaste

summary: it’s late at night and student!ten and his friends are left with nowhere to go; ending up at the bar where lounge singer!reader is performing.

inspired by halsey’s song and video “finally // beautiful stranger”

if you want to see an edit based on this, click here!

“so what are we supposed to do now”

yangyang sighed and sat down on the sidewalk

being downtown at half past two am with nothing to do was definitely not in the boys’ plans.

but it was now, considering they had been kicked out of the house party for breaking an (apparently) very ancient porcelain vase

“it was totally sicheng’s fault though”

but no one really cared about who was at fault, there was no time for that.

what bothered them more was that no one wanted to go back to the dorms yet

but it wasn’t like they could just go and crash another party

they just know the people at their college

and well

the big party was that one, the one they surely didn’t dare to put a foot on again

ten kept looking around the deserted street no one was really familiar with while the others bickered in the back

he found it nice, even if it felt a little bit lonesome considering the hour and all the small houses showing no sign of corporality

there were no many shops in the block, and if they were, they were closed and dim

until ten caught sight of a small pub

a classic, old-fashioned with a wood design and a few hanging lights that were the only source of brightness in the view

he signaled his discovery to his friends and they all looked at each other for confirmation before excitedly nodding

they didn’t encounter themselves with a rousing ambience when they entered the bar. just a typical bored bartender and some grown men devouring peanuts and beer at the counter

ten’s eyes focused on a small stage, a guitar placed on the wood floor. some holes making it look like it was gonna collapse anytime soon

some of the others got themselves some beers and when they were in the middle of asking ten if he wanted something,

someone’s unknown steps made that floor crack. the slow screeches made ten’s gaze feel trapped in curiosity

it was you

a student who struggled to pay rent and had to resort to singing late at a local bar to generate any sort of income

it wasn’t always this late, though

but that day you also had to cover your coworker’s shift at your other job

and yeah, you could have just told the pub’s owner that you would just play the following night

but it wasn’t just about the money. the truth is that you loved singing. of course it wasn’t a lie that you would prefer to make more out of it,

but sometimes a heartfelt praise from a costumer was all you needed to get the energy to raise that guitar all over again

you were surprised at the sight of more people than you would have thought taking the hour and location of the place into account, but it also made a sigh of relief leave your mouth

after all, performing for an empty audience always left a bittersweet aftertaste in your stomach

you smiled at the expectating boys that looked around your same age

and one of them smiled back. you weren’t one to get nervous when performing, since you were more than very used to it

but somehow the way his face glowed when he smiled made you relax your fingers and grip, that you thought were already relaxed

you introduced yourself and started strumming the guitar

ten, meanwhile

had never seen a purer face

and each melody that left your mouth had him more lost, more captivated

he listened attentively at the lyrics you had mentioned you wrote yourself

you sang about your grandmother and the stories she'd tell you about living in germany. how her own grandfather would tell her that the freckles on her face resembled stars

you had such a way of talking about her that made ten's chest throb. in that moment, he believed that he knew her. how she seemingly always smelled like coconut and how she baked the most delicious cakes ever made. he imagined her living in germany and picking the same flowers every evening, her hair dancing with the wind even though in reality, he didn't even know which color it was.

the ballad ended with a final strum and at that point ten was convinced that the guitar was created solely with the purpose of being touched by your fingers.

of course he and the boys exploded in claps and cheering, the men he had noticed when they first entered joining them too

ten could swear he even saw johnny shedding a couple of tears

and it was understandable. you had something and ten wondered if you had the power to brush the strings of all their hearts at the same time you did so with the guitar.

ten eyed his friends and he pointed at you as he sat up from his chair

them smiling knowingly and telling him they would wait for him outside

"hey um" he started, his hands in his pockets as he went through posible ways of starting a conversation "my name is ten, and i really liked your performance"

he mentally shouted at himself for not being able to hold eye contact with you. he was not a shy person, he was actually very outgoing and had no trouble in meeting new people

it was funny, then. how for some reason you made him nervous and he oddly made you feel at ease

"thank you so much. i actually wrote that song not so long ago, my grandmother helped me"

and that's when it all started.

you talked to him a little bit more about your grandma and he told you he had a similar relationship with his aunt, sharing stories about each lovely woman

you found out he was a dance major and didn't hesitate to tell him that was admiring

he also guessed you were a music major, and commented that you were doing a great job if it was that easy to sense there was more than just natural talent in there. you apparented like you knew a lot about what inspires you

that made you feel content

and you also asked yourself how a stranger had successfully seen through you that much

but something about ten just felt right

and you weren't sure if it was your overflowing emotions, or the late hours of the night or the lack of sleep you had gotten lately

but before ten you had never seen a mouth that you would kill to kiss

after a bit more of chat, you and the beautiful stranger decided to exchange numbers since the bar was closing and ten had to go back to his friends

you had to come home to your roommates as well.

(the next day at work, your co-worker who you had covered was tripping over her words to apologize all over again. she knew that the change resulted in you performing at a later hour, and was scared that that might have been prejudicial for you.

you just hugged her with the biggest grin on your face. and thanked her. she had never seen you smile so wide)

for both of ten and you, it was good news that you kept in touch since then

you learned so much about ten in a short period of time.

he also sang (he had promised he would show you sometime. and once, as you were falling dozing off on the phone with him, he started singing a lullaby when he was convinced you were asleep. you totally weren't. and his voice was velvet through the line)

he loved to draw and he did it marvellously. he had showed you some of his artworks and you always begged for him to explain the meaning behind it. but in the majority of the cases, he himself didn't even know it

you also learned that he used way to many smiley faces when texting, that he drank iced tea as his life depended on it, and he always dreamt of the ocean.

you soon came to know that ten was the sort of person you learn new things about each day, and you never got tired of it

it was scary

you didn't have much experience feeling this things

this love things

you had had some crushes, of course. still, they were all innocent crushes who either faded into thin air or turned into short-lived flings

on top of that, you never were a scaredy-cat type of person

at least that was what you thought before ten,,

because now you had received a certain text from ten that made you drop in the trash the carrot you were peeling

"i want to see u tomorrow :("

"i have my two shifts ://" (you were never really one to use emoticons, but i guess that's one thing you inhabited from ten)

"i can go watch you perform, if you like"

"i would really like it"

so now it was friday and you found yourself almost at midnight, at the bar you knew perfectly, but now you felt as if it was a completely different and new space you had never breathed in before.

you were tapping your foot in the stage so much the floor was actually breaking down even more. you decided to stop, you couldn't afford being nervous over ten's pretty face

you tried to distract yourself fixing some last things on your guitar, when you heard someone getting up on stage with you

"woah, it feels nice seeing everything through here"

"i know right? i never get tired of audiences. i like knowing that for a few minutes everyone is aware and probably thinking about the same thing"

ten looked at you with shiny eyes. you were truly the only source of brightness in the view

you obviously had to include the grandma song when performing (ten sang along and some giggles escaped your lips).

and then proceeded to present a new song you had just finished retouching the night before

ten raised his eyebrow and he looked even more concentrated than before, probably thinking about how you hadn't mentioned any new song you were working on

the song was about him

about the wish of ten letting himself fall in your arms

and although the lyrics could be a little more straightforward, you knew ten would get it anyways

he always did.

you had finished and now the following jazz singer was filling the room with a tranquil euphony

ten asked you to dance, it was a slow song and your hands found their way to his shoulders, his hands steadily on your waist.

"the song was beautiful" and there was something in the way that he said it with a shy but cheeky tone that indicated that you were right, you knew he had realized. and you were more than glad than he did.

"you know, you can join me singing anytime. you said you liked how it felt"

"i wouldn't mind taking up that offer"

in that moment you knew

you knew that it was finally safe for you to fall.

you had sung about wanting ten to feel secure enough to let himself drown in your embrace, but what you didn't know

is that he had already fell

he had made himself at home in your arms and was waiting for you to open the door too. and now you had

so it went on

after day that, ten went to every single one of your performances

and you also went to see him whenever he had a dancing show

you praised him so much every time he looked like he had red dye all over his face

he had sung with you at the bar multiple times already,

all his friends coming to see the growth of the young romance

"you should be thanking me for breaking that stupid vase!!!!!" yeah - you really liked sicheng.

you never experienced that bittersweet aftertaste of an empty audience ever again

because now ten was always the audience,

and you were his

and that's all you needed.

he's right here now,

and you think he'll stay.

(also, ten soon became your grandma's favorite person to bake cakes for.)

[english-with-avery]

the right choice is the hardest to make | self para

[ timestamp: august 18 ]

After having miraculously escaped Evren’s holdup, all thanks to Cyrek’s intervention, Avery drove straight home, trying her hardest to calm her young daughter who was sobbing and shaking with fear. Rhea was a sheltered child when it came to violence but she watched TV and she knew what a fucking gun looked like and she’d been aware of the danger when Evren had pointed the firearm in her daughter’s face. Never had Avery felt so scared and so helpless. After hours of Rhea crying, Avery had finally been able to calm her down and the young girl was now bathed and in fresh PJ’s, lying in her mother’s big queen bed, watching Moana. Placing a kiss on Rhea’s head, she said “I’ll be right back, baby.” Once she was downstairs and out of earshot, she dialed Noah’s number and just prayed he picked up. After three rings, she was beginning to panic but suddenly, his voice was on the other line, clearly worried, wondering why she was calling him so late. Trying to keep her voice steady, she said “Noah... We need to talk.”

It was clear that the young father initially thought this conversation was about them but she said “No, no, this is not about us. It’s about Rhea--she’s okay, she’s okay.” Traumatized but okay. “Listen, I... I need your help. I... I need you to take Rhea for a few months.” As he began to bombard her with questions, she felt the lump in her throat grow larger and larger. Fuck. “Noah, I... Noah, please just listen to me. Look, I... I got myself involved in some shady shit-- No, I can’t tell you, okay? I can’t tell you! And I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing, but... I fucked up and now Rhea’s in danger.” His voice practically exploded on the other end, which really didn’t surprise her--he’d shirked his responsibilities, sure, but he was still a good father and he’d do anything to keep Rhea safe. And that’s why she knew she could ask him to make such a big sacrifice, even after she’d insisted years ago that she could handle being a single mom. “No, it’s not drugs. Dammit, Noah, if I could tell you, I would! And when I finally can, I will, I promise. But right now, it’s not safe here. I need you to take her.... No, more like a few months.... Noah, listen, you can enroll her in school and in ballet classes, she’ll be just fine... I know that but you won’t be alone, okay? You have your mother and you have my parents, you know they’ll help you whenever you need it.”

He was still resisting, though she could hear the worry in his voice now--and she knew he could hear the brokenness in hers. A few tears escaped from her eyes and she let up her facade of strong armor, just for a moment. “Noah...” she said softly. “Please. I don’t know what else to do. I need you to do this. Please, I’ll never ask you for anything else. I need your help. I need to keep our daughter safe.” And Noah, knowing that stubborn Avery never asked for help, finally agreed to take Rhea in for the foreseeable future. Going back upstairs, she held Rhea tight all night long, afraid to let her out of her sight. In the morning, she excused the both of them from her classes. She needed to start packing Rhea’s things.

[ timestamp: august 22 ]

At first, Rhea was excited about seeing her father but her smile had faded when Avery had informed her that it would be for longer than just a visit. “But what about you, Mommy? I wanna’ be here with you.” Giving a sad smile, she nodded and said “I know, baby. But you need to spend some time with Daddy, okay? It won’t be for too long, I promise.” You can’t keep making all these fucking promises that you can’t keep. “Besides, it’ll be fun! You’ll get to do cool science experiments with Daddy and you’ll be able to see Grandma and Grandpa all the time--I bet Grandma will let you eat all the sweets you want when you come over. And I’ll visit, too. I’m sorry that this is all happening so fast but I know you. You’re strong and I know you can do this.” Stop putting all of this on her. Fuck. You’re such a bad mother. Avery would be traveling to Boston, but only long enough to see Noah and Rhea off. Avery couldn’t let her mother know about all of this just yet because she hadn’t been able to come up with a lie that would suffice.

Once they were at the airport, Rhea had run right to her father, excited to see him again. After their embrace, Avery gave him a genuine hug and whispered “Thank you so much for doing this. I know you’re angry at me but I will explain all of this when I can. The rest of her stuff will arrive in a truck in the next few days. Right now, what she’s got in her suitcase will last her about a week” He simply acknowledged her words with a nod, putting on a happy face for Rhea. Truly, he was furious that she’d put their child in danger and rightfully so. She’d thought she would’ve been able to handle being a single parent but it didn’t seem to be panning out that way. Holding back her tears, she gave Rhea a big kiss and a hug and said “You be good for Mommy, okay? I’ll FaceTime you every day. I love you so much, Rhea.” The girl had hugged her tight and said “I love you, too, Mommy.”

She’d waved to them as she walked back to her gate, turning right back around to get on a flight back to Vegas. Don’t cry, don’t cry, you can’t cry right now. So instead of crying, she got ridiculously drunk on the five-hour flight back home, well aware she was drowning herself in her sorrows but too full of self-loathing to care. This is all your fucking fault. By the time the Uber dropped her back off at her now empty house, she had a raging headache and an overwhelming sense of loneliness. This is what you deserve.

[rynne311]

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

Tagged by @an-all-write-life, thank you lovely!

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

I think I may have answered this one before, but basically no.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1, maybe 1.5.  I really don’t mind the dark, but sometimes it’s the unexplained sounds that will get me.

3. The person you would never want to meet?

I don’t know if any of you watched Community, but Troy loved LeVar Burton, he was his favorite celebrity.  Even though Troy loved LeVar Burton, the most he ever wanted was a picture/autograph, he explicitly told Pierce that he never wanted to meet him.  When Pierce brought LeVar Burton in as a way to mess with Troy, he was completely starstruck and could not speak, he just sat there wide eyed and terrified of disappointing his hero, until he ran away from dinner screaming.  Long story short, any sort of media hero I have I wouldn’t want to meet because I’d probably make Troy look like a normal person with how starstruck I got.

4. What is your favorite word?

Oh boy, this is a lot of pressure! I don’t want to offend all the other words.  I’ll go with onomatopoeia because it’s kind of fun!

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

An oak, I guess.  They look pretty as they change, and dropping the acorns can cause mild annoyance, which I seem to be able to do pretty easily for the friends and family around me.

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

Why does it have to be Monday??(I answered this when I started working on these yesterday)

7. What shirt are you wearing?

Simple pink and gray stripes.

8. What do you label yourself as?

Nerd

9. Bright room or dark room?

Dark, it just feels kind of relaxing and like it’s time to unwind.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Sleeping - I’m kind of boring and go to bed by 10:30 (usually earlier) every night, so I’m definitely dead asleep at midnight.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

I actually really enjoyed ages 18-20, and 23 was pretty good too.  I’m sure I’ll hit a good stride of ages again, but until I hit that sweet spot, I’m just going to roll with it and have the most fun I can.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

Umm, probably my friend Alex telling me she loves me more after I had sent her a second reminder in a night that I love her. Or my mom.

13. Your worst enemy?

Honestly, I’m probably my own worst enemy.

14. What is your current desktop picture?

It’s the generic blue design that came with the laptop

15. Do you like someone?

In any way other than platonically, no not right now.

16. The last song you listened to?

Either “Rich” by Maren Morris or “Hotel Key” by Old Dominion on my way into work.

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

If I dislike someone that much, shouldn’t they just be left to suffer...like forever.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

It would be too easy to say some of those politicians that I think are awful and spewing hate, but that’s probably who I’d want to hit the most. But then I’m putting hate and violence out there and I aspire to be better than those I wish to punch in the face.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

Yeah, people shouldn’t own people. What I would be more interested

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

Probably my eyes or smile.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

Umm, I sure hope that would mean I would be tall! At least considerably taller than 5’2” and then I’d go and reach stuff on the top shelf...without a step-stool.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

If I do, it’s news to me.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

My fears are pretty run of the mill.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

I might just be pretty boring and say a really good grilled cheese with like a good kind of cheese like pepperjack or something.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

If only that would cover all my loans! I’d probably treat myself to something like a new pair of heels or just save it for a bit and maybe put it towards Christmas presents.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Probably back to Spain.  I loved the four months I lived in Salamanca and want to go back! Also, my host family was amazing, and I’d love to visit them again.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

I’d probably get some Barefoot Pink Bubbly, but I’d be a little suspicious of some greater ulterior motive.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Everybody has to be left-handed lol, actually establishing some sort of guidance for rights and behavior, making sure that all groups are treated equally and fairly.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Shit. As much as I curse in real life, I try to avoid it in my writing, instead opting to find other words to express the sentiment, although that isn’t always possible.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

Probably one of my mom’s jewelry or memory boxes that has mementos from my late grandma in them.  It would mean the world to her and I was close with my grandma too, so I’d still be able to preserve a piece of her.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

As much as I’d love to erase any bouts of poor mental health I’ve had in the past, I’ve learned from them and without that experience, I wouldn’t be prepared to tackle my next big challenge whatever it may be.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Just like in question 26, I’d probably move to Spain!

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

As much as I would love to bring my godfather back, it wouldn’t be fair to take him from the afterlife, or to put his wife, kids and the rest of us who love him through that pain again.  If I could open some sort of communication between this life and the next, I would absolutely offer it to him.  At least being able to communicate would probably be able to heal some wounds for a lot of us here, and I’d love for his 10 year old son to get to know him outside of the stories he hears from me and the rest of his family.

34. What was your last dream about?

Selling houses and moving...just all around kind of odd.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? -  Are you a good listener?

I’d like to think I am, yes.  Recently at my weekend job, I was clocking out for the day and finished one of my purchases and the woman in front of me had a bag that was just a little too heavy for her to carry, so I brought her bag out to the car for her.  I ended up spending another 20 minutes out there with her talking, well she was doing most of the talking, and before we went separate ways she kept thanking me for listening to her.  So if that is any indication, yes I am a good listener, also it broke my heart that she felt the need to thank me for listening to her because it tells me that she really isn’t getting much of that in her life.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

I’ve been to the emergency room twice, but never admitted to the actual hospital.  And both of those visits were within three days.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

Grew up in New England, it’s kind of a mandatory part of childhood here.

38. What is the color of your socks?

Gray and teal

39. What type of music do you like?

Country, plus some pop and rock

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I’m rarely up for sunrises, but when I was in college, I was pulling an all nighter in our computer/printer room and I got the most spectacular view of the sun rising over the mountains in Vermont.  It made up for the severe lack of sleep I was experiencing.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Chocolate

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I don’t sport.  As far as American football goes, I suppose the NY Giants, but in reality it’s more of anyone who isn’t the Patriots.

43. Do you have any scars?

A few on my arms from stupid stuff while growing up, like fighting with my sister.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I graduated from college 3 years ago and still don’t know.  Maybe to know and be happy and secure.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Physically - the list is kind of long and pretty personal.  Otherwise, I’d get rid of those nasty things like my anxiety and depression.

46. Are you reliable?

Almost to a fault where some people have tried to take advantage of it so they could slack off.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Have you found the happy path you want to be on?

48. Do you hold grudges?

Yes, but it’s something I’ve been trying to work on.  I’ll stop and think what did this event/person impact my life and is it still important?  That’s been pretty helpful for letting things go.  I doubt I’ll ever be able to move on from things immediately, but being able to step away after I’ve had some time and choose forgiveness really does help.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

CatDog

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Probably once when talking about childhoods and one girl brought up how she got sent to water therapy because she would insist that she was a mermaid and didn’t have legs to walk.  If I remember correctly, they thought this was her way of manifesting her fear of water, but really with her red hair, she just wanted to be Ariel from Little Mermaid.  It was definitely a wild ride of a conversation.

51. Are you a good liar?

Yes and no.  I’ve got some tells, but over the past few years, I’ve gotten much better at hiding them.

52. How long could you go without talking?

If I’m not talking because I’m mad, at least a few days.  I love talking, so if there isn’t much of a reason to be silent, I’m probably going to be talking.  There have been a few times I’ve been home alone and will just begin talking to the dogs or the cat as I’m going about my business.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

As much as I like them every time I get them, bangs! Within a few months I’m done with wanting to deal with the maintenance and they never looks as good as when I first get them done.  Some folks look absolutely amazing with bangs, but as a long term thing, they are just not for me.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

Yes! I love to bake.

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

A little bit.  With practice I can start to imitate other regions of the US and with enough drinks, I’ve tried an Irish accent.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter with a bit of cinnamon sugar.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

If painting counts, and I’m going to say it does for this, then a nice riverbank landscape I did at a paint and wine studio near me.

58. What would be you dream car?

Jeep Wrangler - like Lorelai’s in Gilmore Girls

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

Not really, I’m mostly focused on getting what I need to done and getting out.  I might go through an argument in the shower while I’m washing my hair, but that’s about it.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

I guess so, but that’s more of the universe is so expansive and I think it’s a little narcissistic to think that we are the only ones occupying it.  Besides, if there are no aliens, how will Superman exist to come and save us some day??

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

I don’t, and most of the reason is I don’t believe in them. It’ll pop up in other stuff I’ll be reading, but it always frustrates me that pisces are put at the end of the list so I don’t even try.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

R! Yes, it is my initial, but I also like doing the sign for it in my sign language class.  The sign is like you’re crossing your fingers, so it’s like R has some mystery and is keeping a secret.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dinosaurs

64. What do you think about babies?

They are really cute and I like getting to spend some time with them.  It can be really fun to watch someone experience so many things for the first time, especially things we take for granted.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. - Worst movie you’ve ever watched?

Leprechaun in the Hood without a doubt!

I’ll tag anyone else who wants to do this! :)

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I quit online dating...ok dating in general

Definitely taking a long hard look in the mirror, my new job starts soon so I can start seeing a therapist and finally figure out wtf is going on with me mentally but also

I NEED BETTER HELP WITH FIXING MY ATTRACTION OFF OF TOXIC MFS WHO CAN LIE WAY TOO GOOD AND ME ACTUALLY BELIEVING IT BECAUSE THEY LOOK GOOD AND I LIKE THEM LIKE AFTER BEING VULNERABLE

WTFFFF

I met Jay at work, so now I'm worried about blocking myself off too much if I happen to meet someone new and they sound like a nice person, good fit, but then the relationship and family trauma history comes up....wtf do i do? Run?

Like everything that I went through wasn't all my fault, but still I think it would be unfair for me to neglect someone as a potential date if they have everything that I'm looking for, looks good, but they have this, this, and that mental health disorders from trauma or they're just surviving....

But Idk, I think it would be best to get some guidance off the horny, desperate, need somebody to talk to because I can't come out to my parents about what happened to me with Jay and Ayunna because they're not cool about their kids being gay...

Its like "hey, dad I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by someone..."

"Wow...why would you stay in something like that? By the way was it a girl or a boy?"

I think my dad knows. But I did not like the way he responded and said that it was my fault for having sex with them...Like wow, how was I supposed to know they would have took advantage of me and did stuff to me that I wouldn't even like...without consent?

Wtf Dad.

And this is why I never talked to my mom about it either...they think alike to victim blame and doing the oh, well you should have known better way of talking down to their kids about being fucked up by their best friend...

Yea great role models.

I told him and he didn't even hug me. Cause he thought I was going to far when I said I wanted to fight her and get revenge.

He just said you should find a way to release that aggression and looked at me crazy as if nothing bad had happened to me and everything I was feeling still after, was all in my head, blown out of proportion.

Why didn't I tell him I was disappointed in the way he handled that?

It just made me close up on him and mom even more after he said that. Its like why should I have to debate out why it was so wrong of my friend to hurt me to somebody who would rather talk about something else, being all nonchalant and passive as usual.

I don't wanna talk about it until after I move out, cause I feel like he would explode on me if I was to say Dad, I don't like what you said and it hurt me to know that my own father didn't have my back when I was looking for support.

Cause I've been in pain all year, thinking, and being reminded of Jay and Ayunna's actions towards me. I hate them officially to this day. And I'll never love or trust the same since them.

They'll never know what its like to be me, not Jay, not Ayunna, not my mom or dad...so why even bother discussing, then later on debating about why I even stayed in an abusive relationship like that where I people pleased and didn't say stop. I just took the pain, like the good girl-sex-slave/doormat Jay wanted me to be.

He'll never understand it, and thats why I don't like the idea of telling my parents everything that happened, because I don't wanna lose my parents.

Cause I feel like even if I was to open up to my crazy bipolar mom and my passive ass dad, none of them would overreact about wanting to kick Jay and Ayunna's ass like I do right to this very day.

They would have got hard on me, tell me their disappointed in me, and told me everything that I did wrong in the matter instead of actually asking me "are you okay" which Dad never did after I told him the snippet.

Never would have asked me "how are you feeling" "do you need a hug" cause yea, its all my fault huh? For staying with a dumbass abusive friend who was already engaged to someone who treats them like a child too?

Yea they would have judged the fuck outta me...so I don't say anything. And every time I feel a ptsd episode spiraling or mom triggers me, I stay locked up in my room and scream and cry silently until I hear my voice crack. Shrilling the sound like, broken metal guitar strings cause I've been suffering in silence all year long. Hiding my depression from my sisters and my parents, because mom and dad want us to be happy about being alive and living in this house that I stopped giving a fuck about, because well grandma's dead and you can't make people happy about it when it was literally in July and her dead body was carried down our living room steps.

This bitch is crazy, you act like everything is supposed to just go back to normal? After everything that I've seen and been through this year? You think I'm supposed to be happy after finding out your a crazy, selfish, asshole who wanted me to fall down the steps just for pissing you off, my grandma was miserable and depressed all the way up in that house and delusional about healthcare that she didn't visit a doctor for years until it was too late, my dad hides everything he feels from us and mom unless it comes out in an aggravated assault on my little sister when she pissed him off, and now mom is basically forcing us to get back on cleanup schedule and act like everything is normal.

WHEN ITS FUCKING NOT

I bet deep down this is why Grandma moved to live in a cabin in the woods, for idk how long. She even painted the house she bought later on, the exact same colors. Burgundy and Sea Mint Green. Cause she loved how peaceful it was and there was nobody there but just her. Her family, her abusive ex, her abusive baby daddy, her children, and her friends all drove her nuts trying to be there and take care of them....when nobody was there to take care of her.

Except when I was there, it felt like we had the whole house, the whole world to ourselves, and we could be just as still and silent as the wind passing us as we sat on the couch, watched movies, ate popcorn, and enjoyed a hard lemonade with her. She missed being by herself after I moved in and so did I.

No wonder we kept butting heads. We don't like being disappointed by our family and friends, and we sure as hell don't like people making us work for them, and not caring about our emotional, mental, and physical stability.

I would prefer to go to the library for hours and just watch movies on the internet, than to live with my family while I'm still digesting the pain and drama I went through.

And realizing just how toxic, abusive, and crazy your family really is...really made me hate reality. Once the research on why I felt like I was suffering so bad with jay and ayunna started to add up, it all made sense why I didn't see some of the things that actually hurt me, as not as bad. Because I'd been through it already with my mom and my dad. Where I'm forced to take every negative comment or action they said and did, and just deal with it without retaliating against them or I was punished or told I was too sensitive to be told the truth. Gaslighting me.

Like I'm not allowed to feel pain if my mom tells me that my stomach is poking out too much in that dress and that I need to go change or wear some spanx. Then if I didn't want to change there was pinches on my skin from when she would force my shirts into my pants and make me feel stupid for not knowing how to tuck in my pants.

I'm supposed to always appreciate everything my parents did for me, even when the person standing in front of my face wants to be right all the time and I'm supposed to not get upset, not get angry, not cry, not whine or complain when my parent, my guardian does something unfair to me, says something rude, disrespectful, and controlling to me that they know that if I did the same thing to them, then they would slap me across the face, flick me in the head, knock me back to being a kid, just because they said so and just because I still live here.

I hate this place. And I thought Athena would be my escape. I thought I found someone to build real love with after going through so much trauma and realizing the crazy I've been living in for all these years.. The facade is over.

And I don't know what to do except cry and scream for myself in my room, and now I can't even talk to them about me losing my faith and trust in God because everything bad that happened and keeps happening. And why in the hell did he decide giving my grandma cancer was the best way for her to go? She was in so much pain all these years and it was from cancer. Her head and her body was twitching from lack of oxygen. And she was unresponsive as I sat upstairs with her all night on the very same couch I'm sitting on right now.

Its September now. She passed on July 30th and dad called me from upstairs after I had stayed up there till like 11:30 cause we were writing down how much morphine to give her each hour. And the nurse had just told us that she might not have that long left to live. Like maybe saturday or monday, cause it was already friday the 30th.

But after the nurse left, Dad told me to go through her pictures and find his favorite photo of her. I didn't even cry like he did, I had already cried at 10am when I saw no matter what I did, she was still shaking and not responding to me talking to her like before. Still grunting. It was like me being on nurse mode, made my heart, my emotions feel numb. But after I left the room and called Hospice, I finally let it out.

Grandma passed at around 1:30 or 2pm. And two of my aunts and my cousins were over. My cousins playing a game of Uno in the dining room as if nothing traumatic was going on upstairs. None of them reacted at all until they all joined us in the living room as she being carried down the stairs by the funeral service guys. It was amazing to see how insensitive at 1st the kids were, then to see my mom cry about not being strong enough for my dad, when I was sorta pissed off and confused and still in shock about grandma. LIKE WTFFF MOMMM FUCKING CRYYY THAT'S THE REASON WHY YALL HAVE PROBLEMS IN YALL RELATIONSHIP AND OUR RELATIONSHIP NOW

STOP HIDING YOUR FUCKING SADNESS, ANGER, AND GRIEF FROM YOUR FAMILY BY BEING A CRAZY ASS PSYCHOPATH WHO EXPECTS PEOPLE TO ACT NORMAL AND BE HAPPY WHEN SOMETHING SHITTY LIKE THIS HAPPENS

GODDAMN IT MOM FUCKING CRY. YOU'RE HUMAN. IM HUMAN. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FUCKING CRY. WE'RE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE. WE'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL OUR PAIN AND SUFFERING.

AND IM ALLOWED TO BE DEPRESSED AND UNSATISFIED WITH MY LIFE AND MY RELIGION THAT DOESN'T LET ME DO WHAT I WANT AND BE HAPPY WITH WHOEVER I WANT TO BE WITH.

AND MOM IM GAY. I FELL IN LOVE WITH WITH A GIRL WHO LATER ON DECIDED TO BE A THEY, AND NOW A HE AND I'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN AS A THEY, CAUSE NOW HE'S GROWING A BEARD, A DICK, A NEW VOICE AGAIN, AND SHE'S GETTING MARRIED TO ANOTHER CONTROLLING PSYCHOPATH THAT REMINDS ME OF YOU AND I HAD SEX WITH HER TOO, BUT I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF ME AND HER WANNA KILL EACH OTHER OR IF SHE'S ACTUALLY A COUSIN OR NOT WHO REMINDS ME OF MY TRAUMA WHEN I WAS A KID. AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING ABOUT INCEST POSSIBLY BEING A GENE OF TRAUMA IN THIS FAMILY.

I LITERALLY WATCHED MY COUSINS WHO WERE FAMILY, HAVE SEX AND THEY WERE KIDS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE WATCHING PORN AND NOBODY BROUGHT IT BACK UP TO EVEN EXPLAIN WHY OR WHAT HAPPENED. AND ALL I SEE IS FLASHBACKS OF SHIT WHENEVER SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO ME IN MY LIFE. CAUSE I KNOW INCEST IS BAD.

AND THATS WHY I STILL AM GROSSED OUT BY THE IDEA OF AYUNNA AS A WHOLE BECAUSE SHE SMELLS WEIRD AND HAS GROSS MORNING BREATH, SHE SNORTS FOR 45 MIN TO AN HR EVERY MORNING SHE WAKES UP LIKE ITS NORMAL TO NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE NORMALLY LIKE THAT IN YOUR SLEEP AND SHE'S ABNOXIOUS AND GROSS AND IMMATURE BUT JAY PRETENDS LIKE SHE'S MATURE AND IM NOT EVEN THOUGH IM SMARTER, IM BETTER, MORE EMOTIONALLY CAPABLE TO HANDLE THEM BEING DEPRESSED TO NOT JUDGE THEM FOR IT, CAUSE I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WANNA DIE TO ESCPAE MY PAIN AND MY REALITY CAUSE ITS NICE AND EASIER TO HAVE AFRIEND WHO WANTS TO GO BACK TO BEING TAKEN CARE OF LIKE A BABY AND HAVE FUN JUST LIKE YOU TOO.

I feel like i lost a lot this year...including my sanity...thanks a lot Athena for triggering me. Now going back to talking to grandma as if she was here like I did when i was on the flight for the very 1st time after 911 and I had a silent panic attack because I was holding it in for the kid and the obnoxious older black lady next to me on my flight.

I cried my tears out and everything felt tight up on my back, making me scared and numb and tingly like I was on a rollercoaster. and mom thought I was just overreacting.

I need someone who understands me and knows exactly how it feels to be me, and I thought that person was this crazy bitch on the internet, who's gay and trans and lost a bunch of her family due to trauma. Because she's autistic, and not the one where they cant talk and do things for themselves. She talks to me just like I would to myself when I wasn't feeling good.

And idk, if I might have some sort of autism or spectrum thing too. Or did my family brainwash me into thinking nothing was wrong with me, the way they treated me, and how I was behaving...just because they didn't wanna believe it either.

I wanna know what's wrong with me, my life, my family and how do I fix it so it doesn't keep happening. I wanna know how can I avoid becoming like my parents and ending up in a controlling, aggressive, petty relationship like my dad who became passive just so he could deal with it and hide his pain from her.

I dont know what a healthy relationship looks like with no confrontations that leads to fights, arguing that leads to yelling at each other's faces and getting distracted with emotions to where we throw things at each other or just walk out without saying anything...

Because I dont know how to be angry. Cause I was never allowed to. and the people who birth me, don't know how to control theirs either without hurting the person they care about, someway or some sort.

I still to this day don't know how to communicate when I get angry. Because I feel like I was adopted from all the daycare people who used to take me in at night time when mom would drop me off and I never knew when she was coming back cause she didn't tell me.

[nana-of-light]

First 3 Dungeons Completed

So, my grandma finally got her controller set up, along with my game settings files, (which she very much likes) but I screwed up a tiny bit and later realized I put her game audio in Japanese. LOL Damnit. It’s okay though. It’s an easy fix I can help her change. She didn’t complain about it, but i had to ask her. She moves much faster, and when she follows me, she’s always right behind me. I don’t have to pause after i turn corners to make sure i don’t run too far ahead and have her lose me. And she dodges in battle now!! Aaahhh! She says the controller is much easier on her though, which i’m very glad for. She was saying something about the touchpad on her laptop bothering her finger after awhile. I can imagine how uncomfortable playing like  that is.. She is using the chat function more too now that she doesn’t move with the keyboard.

The last time I did MSQ with her, we left off in Gridania, and she just never left. She’s told me she loves it several times already. With a few side quests she’s picked up, she ended up in Lavender Beds, looking around houses, and got lost. During the night when I couldn’t sleep, I peeked on her account to see where her MSQ was, and found her logged in front of someone’s carbuncle house. I didn’t want to touch anything and got off. When she picked it back up, I helped her get out of there and back to where we needed to be for the MSQ. She seems to wait for me to do those with her. When we met up finally, I was no longer my usual female raen au ra, but instead a male seeker miqote. I stood there and told her i got a haircut... she didn’t react though, so we moved on.

Fast forward a bit to us standing in front of Sastasha. I explained that this was a dungeon and we’d be getting a random player with us. As i’m typing, she’s running around the area, trying to find where to click on to progress next. When she started to run away, I typed faster, asking if she wanted me to go over a few things to make things smoother basically. With a yes, I went over briefly what the tank’s job was, which was to lead the party through the dungeon and keep the enemy’s focus off everyone, along with the mention that dps and healers shouldn’t run ahead of them, and that she and my boyfriend were to kill everything. And that was all! I didn’t bother with mechanics at all, so she could just experience them.

In Sastasha, we learned that she really liked Sleep.. Lol. I eventually told her that it didn’t do any damage and it was something that was rarely needed. During this run, we were seeing that transpose was still an issue because when MP was low, she’d stand and wait for it to refill, but she’s playing around with her spells and seeing how they work. The healer spent their time jumping around and running ahead to pull more things, so while I trying to see what she was doing and helping as i tanked, i had that to try to deal with that.. I felt like I couldn’t really say much though. x__x; When the coeurl boss came up, i’m not sure what happened, but she got locked out and tried to run around to figure out how to get through. D: After that, she made sure to be in front of the line to not get locked out again. For loot, she figured out how to roll on her own because I saw that she won something. And on the last boss, she just focused on that, so we ended up burning it. 

Overall, there was a lot of sleep use at the start, blizzard II seems to be her favorite way to deal with mobs, probably due to her mp trouble, and at one point, while she did stay behind me, she used her range to pull another mob before we were done with the current. I went over the last bit, explaining why this was bad, but also that it was my fault for not telling her about it. When I reminded her that fire was the better source of damage, she asked me what it turned into. So we went over transpose again, and then I introduced Fire II and mob fighting with her. She also commented about how many levels she got in that run, surprised.

So, onward to Tam tara! The healer wanted to run ahead and pull more and then stand there, watching us deal with it. Lol Ahh! Why does this keep happening! I saw Nana using Fire more, and when there were was a mob, she’d use fire II. *tears of joy* There was a few things of Sleep as well, but i think these were accidents. I didn’t really see Transpose, but she’d swap to Blizzard II to refil then resume her fire use. At the very least, I think she’s understanding that blizzard spells give mp. On the last boss, when it used that large aoe, I saw her run out of it and i yelled out loud, “HOLY SHIT, SHE DODGED! OMG SHE DID IT!!”. Before the controller, this was something I didn’t see her do, so I was ecstatic! 

Seeing the improvement in this run was a real treat, but once we stood outside Copperbell, the queue wasn’t popping, so we stood around. While we waited, I gave her a baby chocobo minion since she had previously asked me about the “things” that follow me around. After some time, I cancelled the queue and tried to see if I could grab someone more ..patient. xD; I tried a few people (some of you name dropped for me in various forms of private messages, but weren’t on at the time unfortunately) and I eventually asked my Balmung FC if anyone was free for some lowbie dungeon healing. I explained what Party Finder was to Nana and then pulled our FCmate in. I introduced them, we talked for a little bit about stuff, and then went in.

The run went pretty smoothly, and there was actual conversation during battles, which was pleasant. Our FCmate would ask how she was doing with loot rolls and things, which was pretty nice too. For the boss fight with the spriggans, I gave the heads up that a lot would be spawning, and we dove into that. However, halfway through, my eyes started to burn really bad, and while I tried to deal with that squinty and teary eyed, i couldn’t take it anymore and apologized, jumping out of my chair to go deal with it. In my stead, the boyfriend guy tanked and they killed the things, and then they went over using Limit Break with Nana. Since the FCmate used a PS4 controller too, she went over how to assign things to her crossbar. This was something that I was grateful for because I completely forgot about this. Nana was confused with it all though, but she told us she took a picture of the instructions to try it later. I think she didn’t want us to wait for her. 

After my eyes no longer felt like they were on fire, we continued on, but as we were grabbing up loot, I turned to my grandma and I finally asked, “Nana, did you notice I was a cat boy?” There was a pause and she replies, “no”. The FCmate chines in with “I noticed right away >.>”. The boyfriend laughs in the background. I chuckle with my deep mancat voice and continue on.

So, the slime boss.. Nana wanted it dead, so I just let her blow it up while the FCmate did the bomb thing for us. I said we needed the bomb to explode on the slime and not to kill it. With her focused on the slime, we watched the bomb come over and explode. *Insert me yelling at my screen as she dodges them*

On the last boss, we let her know she could ignore the koolaid men coming out of the walls. Aaand dungeon completed! Hooray!

I just want to apologize for the lack of screenshots. i know it never was something promised, but I always try to tell myself i need to get more for you guys, and I keep forgetting! By the time I remembered, I scrambled to get that unflattering one. Lmao .. I’ll try harder to get more.

Anyway! After that was all said and done, it was late and Nana wanted to get ready for bed. Our FCmate and her said their goodbyes and we split off. I think Nana afk’d or tabbed at this point because she stopped moving/responding, so I said I was logging, but would pm her on facebook.

Note: she uses speech to text on this when on her phone.

Me:  I wanted to ask.. did you like the dungeons? i was wondering if they were too hectic.

N:  Yes I'll get the the magic down better I took a picture of everything we wrote and your friend told me how to do that I didn't get it but I took a picture so I can do it tomorrow and level 27 now that's a good thing those dungeons do I had no idea where we went how we went there and where I'm at right now I'm just going to shut it down because right below it I have an old thing to do something to get that done N:  No punctuation marks you're going to have to figure it out

Me:  i am reading slowly, but i think i got it.

Me:  i didn't know how to do limit breaks for awhile, so i think it's normal.

N:  Yeah and you can't go back and correct it either

N:  I don't even know what limit breaks means

Me:  remember in the final fantasy games how there would be a gauge that would fill over time and it was a big attack you could use every now and then?

N:  Oh yeah

Me:  that's what it is, but a different name.  it's shared by the party.

N: *thumbs up emote*

N:  Okay I'm going to finish up here and go to bed your mom and I are going to run errands tomorrow

N:  That little duck looking thing is in my minion thing is that where it's supposed to go and what happens now

Me:  click on it in the minion guide.

N:  Okay

Me:  it's a chocobo. lol!

N: Lol nn

Me:  okay, good night !

N: *sticker of two sprawled out dogs, sleeping with Z’s*

So, that’s that! A little progress here and there. Good stuff. \o/ Phew!

Also.. Added bonus. Here’s an older screenshot while we were still stuck in the desert. This guy has no shame. I kinda want to draw this out..

[darkangeldesignstudio]

Need to talk....

Ok not to be a downer this morning but I really need to talk about what happened this morning. I need to get this stress off of my chest or I may just explode. I haven’t felt this depressed in a long damn time and I have court on Monday so I don’t need the added stress. So, here goes something....

Woke up this morning in a great fucking mood, which is a big deal for me when I’ve been nothing but stressed for the past few months. The stress of looming court dates with my ex had me in fits of nightmares and restless nights, but last night I actually got a pretty great night of sleep and was happy to be alive for once.

Then, I got a call from my mom. She let my oldest son (who is 4) spend the night with her and her fiancé last night. Her apartment is right behind my house so it’s not a big deal for me to come and get him in the morning. She had to be at work at 9 and got up a bit later than normal so I went to get my son instead of her having to bring him over by herself.

As soon as I walk in the door, I’m bombarded with nasty looks and passive aggressive comments about how she’s sick and my son will probably end up being sick because she HAD to keep him overnight. First of all she fucking offered to keep him, knowing that I had no problem with keeping him, but apparently him being sick is MY FAULT. I brushed off the comment because I didn’t wanna deal with her drama and got my boy up and took him to the house.

Got my clothes on because my mom needed someone to drive her to pick up her car from town. She didn’t ask me to take her, but I got ready anyway. She walks in the house and hands me some money to pay my lawyer when I went to my appointment. My grandmother (her mom) is in the living room and my mom walks by her and offhandedly says, “Don’t worry, you don’t have to pay anything to the lawyer. I got it.” Her tone was venemous as fuck and I just looked at my grandma like “wtf?”

I jokingly asked who pissed in her cornflakes and she just goes off. I’m like whatever and ignored her bullshit. At this point, I’m used to her being a raging bitch when she wakes up.

At this point, I’m sitting in my chair and waiting for her to finish getting ready so we can go. She’s standing in the kitchen talking her head off about something and then she yells at me to come on like she was waiting for me. And immediately I know that this fucking 10 minute car ride is going to be hell on wheels (literally).

I get in the car and she immediately wants to talk shit about my grandma (her mother) not giving her money to help cover the deposit for OUR lawyer. My mom just got over $9000 from her tax refund so why the hell should my grandma have to give her money? I told her that I didn’t wanna listen to her rant and deal with her drama, that’s something she needed to discuss with my grandma because ranting at me isn’t going to do anything.

So, like a perfectly sane human being, she cusses me out. Calling me a bitch and stupid and just expects me to take it. I pulled the fuck over and told her if she was going to talk to me like that then she could walk to her fucking car. This apparently pisses her off more so she starts telling me how hateful and useless I am.

I finally fucking lost it and yelled at her to shut the hell up. I’m in fucking tears by this time. She’s been yelling and raving at me like a fucking psychotic banshee and because I FINALLY stand up to her (which she punches me for doing btw), I’m the crazy one!

Like, what the actual fuck is wrong with this woman?!?! Who the fuck punches the person DRIVING the car?!?!? And I’m the crazy one?!?!

I’m just so fucking tired. I’ve never cried this hard in my damn life. I had to pull over the car on my way back home because I was gagging and almost puked my guts up from crying so hard.

I just don’t understand how my mom, the woman that birthed me, could treat me like trash and hate me so much. Then she wonders why I’m so depressed and would rather read stories than deal with the real world.

Well, here’s a news flash mom, it’s because you have made me hate the world I live in. It’s because you have taken away every bit of joy I have ever experienced in my damn life and crushed it under your feet. You, the woman that gave me life, has made me want to take it away. If it weren’t for my two children who give me so much to live for, I would have killed myself a long fucking time ago.

That’s all I have to say on the matter. If y’all have any advice for me or some words of encouragement, I could really use them right now. Because, gods know I’m not getting any support from my own family at this point.