#graphically describing your trauma or self destructive behaviors

[lunarleonardo]

Hello

Your torture and hurt comfort fics gives me happiness.

Many brain complications. My head hurts so much. It's like torture.

Your fanfics give cathartic relief.

Thanks for your creations. I especially enjoyed Love Letter.

Hope this doesn't feel too vent-y. I just wanted to express my gratitude.

Hi!! ^.^ I'm glad my fics make u so happy :D I write them a lot mostly for comfort and fun and I'm really glad other people can find similar feelings in it too!! and hey sometimes a man just wants to see their favorite character suffer. that is also 100% Ok. I would know bcus ive been praying on my favs downfall and tender after comfort since i came out of the WOMB (*ゝω･*)

. However also if you are getting brain complications from fics i think it's time to take a bit of a step back for a bit ( ﾟεﾟ；) like just as a safety precaution yknow xD

[voidslept-a]

MENTAL HEALTH:

shiro’s mental health is NOT the greatest, that’s pretty clear.  he suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder ( ptsd ), which gives him a lot of other problems as well.  but like all mental illnesses, shiro’s symptoms are similar to others with ptsd, but he doesn’t have all the same ones.  

( under the cut for length/potentially triggering material )

flashbacks -  the hallmark symptom of ptsd and the main difference between ptsd and other mental illnesses.  flashbacks are described as a sense of reliving part of the traumatic experience again or replaying the event in your head when triggered.  for shiro, there isn’t one flashback that repeats itself, as he had an extended traumatic event with the galra.  most of shiro’s flashbacks are to fights in the gladiator arena, physical/mental abuse given at the hands of prison guards, or times when he was experimented on. it’s very easy to tell when shiro’s lost in a flashback simply by looking at him.  before trying to help, though, it’s important to try and note surroundings and what was happening before shiro began having a flashback.  his whole body is tense and his eyes are a bit glassy.  more often than not, when he’s having a flashback, he’s dissociating as well and is not aware of where he is or what is happening outside of his mind.  the best thing to do is to try and guide him somewhere quiet and do not leave him by himself.  every so often, remind him that you’re still there and ask if he’s with you.

nightmares/insomnia - another classic symptom of ptsd.  it almost goes hand in hand with flashbacks, but not always.  nightmares consist of graphic and disturbing images of the trauma that are replayed during the sleep cycle.  nightmares often lead to insomnia, as in shiro’s case.  whenever he tries to sleep without being exhausted, he has vivid nightmares about being experimented on or watching people die.  more often than not, he wakes up screaming and refuses to sleep anymore, keeping himself busy with training. to help with nightmares, the best thing to do is to try and help him relax during the day.  it doesn’t always matter what he does, but that it’s low-intensity and habit-forming behavior.  to try and wake him from a nightmare, the best thing to do is create a sudden environment change ( i.e. letting light into his room/turning on a light, cooling the room, etc. ).  it awakens the analytical part of his nervous system, which quells the anxiety.  ask if he’s okay and if he wants to talk or if you can help somehow.  more often than not he’ll say he’s fine and that he’d rather not talk.  once in a while, he’ll ask for someone to stay.

difficulty expressing emotions/relating to others - shiro does feel a great deal of things, he has good days as well.  the problem is that on bad days or even with any sort of negative emotion, shiro can’t verbalize what he’s feeling.  in regards to relating to others, he can empathize very easily, but when it comes to being happy for people, he struggles to show it.  he does feel happy for them, he truly does, but because he’s so distant from his emotions, shiro has a hard time expressing it. the only thing anyone can do to make this easier for both others and for shiro is to be as understanding as possible.  if you’re close to him and you tell him about things that happen in your life, he does listen and he does feel.  if something good happens to you, like major events, shiro really and truly does feel happy for them, but it doesn’t always show.  just understand that he means well and he cares.

hypervigilence - another crowning symptom of ptsd, it’s described as always being on guard or defensive with excessive anxiety, bordering on paranoia at times.  shiro doesn’t quite reach paranoia, but he is always on guard.  especially in crowded places or loud places.  details are easily lost in those situations and so is shiro to his anxiety.  this also ties in to shiro’s aversion to surprise affection/emotional or physical intimacy and fervent need for consent. the best way to help is to ground him with verbal or physical interaction.  a light touch or firmly saying his name will call him back to reality and remind him of where he is and what’s happening.  when he starts to spiral into a panic attack, if at all possible, don’t touch him more than necessary without permission.  if he can’t respond, nothing beyond calming gestures.

self-destructive/self-sabotaging tendencies - like many people with anxiety and ptsd, shiro deliberately ruins his own relationships for fear of betrayal or abandonment.  part of it stems from the fact that he doesn’t believe he deserves love because of his extremely warped self-image.  the garrison put him on a pedestal of sorts as the ‘golden boy’, and the galra brutally stripped him of that and made him feel like he was below dirt.  being thrown from such extremes has warped shiro’s confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth especially.  he’s quick to brush off specific compliments and will push away people close to him and because it hurts both sides, the other party often allows it to happen. the best way to help is to stand your ground.  make an effort to be around him even when he says he doesn’t want to be around anyone.  he’s usually lying.  don’t let him avoid you, no matter how much it hurts.  make him realize that you are a permanent fixture in his life come hell or high water.  remind him that he doesn’t have to be perfect to be loved, and that you do love him no matter what.  eventually, and rather slowly, shiro will come around and apologize.

[gryffon]

gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement. 

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely.  this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.