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overcaffeinated-creative · 6 years

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Solus Vetra, Modern AU

Title: I have the Best Work Stories Ever

Rating: T

Characters: Unnamed New Guy, Solus Vetra, Pre Vizsla, Akaan Kast

Summary: A new guy gives a first person run down of the wildest day in his blossoming Kyr’tsad career. Solus shows off what makes her a total badass. Assume they’re operating within an American HQ.

Notes: This was inspired by the introduction scene of Natasha in Iron Man 2. You know the one. There’s a lampshade for it.

Being the New Guy always sucked. If there is someone to be blamed for something going wrong it will be you. Food and coffee runs also became your job without your approval. The really sadistic bastards made up things for you to find on wild snipe hunts to supposedly find. No one cared if you have known each other half your damned lives (looking at you, Conner, who has shared my room for ever family thing since birth) because you are Fresh Meat. If leaving out key information could result in something funny they just had to do it. Because all that matters in the end is there’s a new di’kut around HQ to be tormented until the next batch arrives.

Take for example, no one telling me that Vizsla’s personal assistant was one of those vode. Basic warnings were given (because they’re all shebs but they’re not intentionally malicious shebs) about how things ran. Careful with the loud noises if her name is highlighted red on our intra-communication network, don’t mind the black Husky in the service vest (his name is Sen and they openly argue with each other), and the sweet black and silver Cadillac CTS V in the parking lot is hers. It was to be given a wide berth and never, ever startle her when she’s getting in or out. Things can (and do) go sideways with sparks.

Getting to their sheb quality was no one ever braced me for what she looks like. See, Solus Vetra is one of those bathed-in-the-blood-of-the-Ka’ra, born-in-a-fiery-burst-reeking-of-Mandokarla, my-loyalty-is-only-to-the-true-Manda’lor names. Anyone who knows their history knows Aliit Vetra was one of those old school families; as in ancient old school. The kind that is (still) dripping money, are very proud of being Mandalorian, and who have the past to make Renaissance Borgia look tame and never got caught doing any of it. So, this petite, smoking hot, white haired, Asian chick was not who I pegged for Solus Vetra. (In fact, I found out my pick for Solus Vetra out of seeing the Higher Ups was actually Bo-Katan Kryze...a different level of Traditionalist asskicker but not the PA) Every single time I had seen Vetra she was dressed to the nines, wearing labels even I know mean Wealth, and darting around with her face buried in a tablet and wearing this tweaked Google Glass display. Basically, I would have bought her as one of the Duchess’ people before Vizsla’s...well ever. There was too much Silicon Valley Tech Start Up in her look.

Assuming makes an ass out of you and me as the saying went.

Near a month into my tenure with the company was when the Day of Reckoning all went down. In the span of three hours she went from Pepper Potts with her unruly boss and love of art to Natasha Romanoff with everything you would expect of the world’s best spy. (Seriously, I want to know if we have a Black Widow Program and if that’s where we found her. Because she is scary.) First, came The Argument with the Boss that would have made a lesser man piss himself. Few hours later, she popped up in the gym sparking The Beat Down to her vocal heckler. It cemented her as Certified Badass in my mind and shot her to the top of my “Never Ever Fuck With” List.

The Argument was held in an adjacent meeting room to the fourth floor supply closet at 10:23 AM. I was down there looking for this weirdly specific ink cartridge for our satanic printer when this feeling of doom washed over me. I swear the room dropped ten degrees while clicking suddenly picked up. It was like gearing up for a boss fight in the wrong area of a video game. You just knew shit was about to go down and it was not going to go in your favor at all. Instead of some kind of insectoid monster making the noise it was the rapid fire click of $1200 USD, real python pumps (I got curious enough to Google how much her red soled kicks cost and the answer is more than my rent) beating down on the tile floor with a Purpose.

I have to say a Smart Man would have waited for the danger to pass and ran away. This is where I say I am not a smart man. Di’kut is the right title for me because I stayed to eavesdrop...and maybe a little (a lot) of stunned silence freezing me into place. See, she cornered ‘Alor in the recently emptied meeting room with this chilled civility. I heard the door close with this crisp professionalism (how is that even possible?) before she started reaming him.

It turned out Vetra was a Smart Person because she had a lot of languages to yell in. I lost track of the clearly individual ones after the five mark. Whatever he did (I speak English and Mando’a with some passable Spanish to her rapid fire Everything) it had to have been bad if she was suicidal enough for this. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows Vizsla can be a giant kad when he feels like and he always feels like it. When he started yelling back I had the kneejerk reaction to go help her. Again, Vetra is Small and I am a Dumbass. Before I could move, her voice shot up a couple more decibels in the angriest (and I had Dred Priest overseeing part of my training) Mando’a to have ever been uttered. Then it was drop a pin and hear it echo for eternity silent.

Conner sent three texts while I was holding my post (and my breath) behind several stacks of xerox paper. Just to keep him from blowing my cover I shot back it was taking a while to dig around and he left me alone. It was a good thing because without their yelling-and with my luck-I would have gotten busted. Until this, I would have picked getting busted by Vetra...every time really. I knew what she looked like smiling in a good mood without someone dying. A’lor only smiled when things were going to shit for someone else. Now...now it was way harder. Since she had the gett’se to get in the Manda’lor’s face and live. But, he was not only a giant kad but one who could survive her wrath. I had no winning options except to hope for a mercy kill from a heart attack or something.

My internal strife stopped when I heard them pass by the closet door and they were...laughing? What in the hell had I missed falling down that rabbit hole? Twenty minutes ago she threatened to cut his gett’se off and parade them around with the stick he kept up his ass. Now, they were friends? What kind of fucking magic did he just pull? Could I learn it? Holy Shit. Pre Vizsla knew how to laugh? Without murder and chaos raining down around him? What kind of magic did she have?

Keeping it on the safe side I waited another ten minutes to return to my desk.

Witnessing The Beat Down was one of the best things to happen in my twenty years of living. Seriously, it came straight out of a movie it was so unbelievably awe-inspiring to see. Angels sang, the lights of the heavens shined down, and I watched the best ass kicking to have ever went down this year and possibly ever. A little digging around and the offer of enough uj cake even got me a full on video of the event. It makes the bad days better in twenty-five seconds.

Everything kicked off when I stopped by our gym when my shift ended at one. The shellshock from overhearing The Argument kept my head shoved pretty firmly up my ass. (I mean, that had to go down in some kind of history right? PA owns Manda’lor with words alone. It was going down in my history.) Conner picked up on something being off enough to leave my ink cartridgeless ass alone. I think he assumed I walked in something I shouldn’t see. Namely that nympho from Recruitment climbing some of the ground team guys...again. Why in the hell he was into men who could pass for hockey goalies, missing teeth and all, I would never know...fucking Canadian.

Somewhere between changing into workout gear and returning to the main room Vetra had shown up. Okay. I mean, I guess anyone could work out here and she was a Vetra? I had to assume she had at least basic self defense training. That had always been a huge part of the Mando Culture, especially with the Traditionalists. On second glance, I saw she was still in her outfit of the day. She even had her tablet with the intention of getting Kast to sign something. That made way more sense. Yeah, she would square off verbally with her boss but this would not be a verbal battle. Knowing how to defend herself was important; throwing the ground forces around moved away from that. It went more into the, “This is going to horribly wrong. Why are you brushing up the Basics with them?” because they could break her.

Remember, how I said I’m a dumbass and not to make assumptions? This is a good time to remember that I am one because I made the same mistake twice.

But, so was Akaan Kast.

See, Akaan Kast was a cycle ahead of me in training with a reputation for being both a bully and a show off. He thought because he was directly assigned to a company in HQ he was a Big Deal. “Kasts are always around the most powerful," he liked to brag, “Because we are the most powerful and recognize our own.” However, that did not get him an invitation into the Nite Owls or the A’lor’s personal company. Both ate him alive even if he refused to acknowledge it. (If I toasted the gods for that good fortune a few different nights no one had to know.) He also had this Thing for trying to impress Traditionalist girls. (Don’t ask me what it was because I tuned it out every time he tried to pontificate on the subject.) Plus, Priest liked the guy and that is all anyone needs to know.

Point was Kast was being up to his usual antics and Vetra was taking None of It. Everything in her body language screamed “Predator ready to maul a man’s face off” masked behind this stone cold smile. Picturing her with pinned back ears and bared fangs looked too right. All she wanted was him to sign something on her tablet but he was being Difficult. The last man who made her life Difficult was chewed up and spit out with words alone. This was going to be funny as hell to witness.

“Kast, sign,” she huffed while jabbing the tablet into his chest. “Then we both can get back to our jobs.”

“You can call me Akaan and I’ll call you Solus,” he started off in complete ignorance. Except not. He clearly knew he was riling her up. “What if we trade instead? You get a true combat lesson then I’ll sign.”

“Kast, do you damn job. Sign now. That’s an order.”

“Can you really give orders as a personal assistant? Thought you job was to fetch coffee and answer phones.”

All eyes were sneaking glances at them by this point but no one was stepping in. I was a little confused. Some of these people had to have been around when Vetra first come through. Some of them even looked amused at her being hassled. I knew Kyr’tsad had a Reputation but I thought taking care of their own was part of it. Letting Kast be a kad to their own wasn’t taking care of her.

“If I’m echoing an order of the Manda’lor I can.”

“Just a fifteen minute lesson? It's been a while since you've been out in the field. Wanna make sure you can keep that pretty little head on.” I gagged at this point. How disgusting could someone be? How could he thing this was even going to work in his favor? Was she supposed to be impressed with his only okay muscles and terrible (Ba’buir would call it Americanized) attitude? Did he really think insults would work?

“Fine.”

Anyone who has ever met another human being knows fine is past “Fuck You” on the Scale of Responses. But, Kast looked pleased with himself while Vetra pointedly left most of her belongings on a bench. Which was a lot of belonging to just be moving around the office. Tablet, Goggle Glass, ear piece, earrings, watch, bracelet, shoes, cell phone, suit jacket, and top shirt? I guess if I paid that much (I had no idea the real price but I could only imagine) for a button up I would avoid getting it dirty too. Course I’d never pay who knows how much for a shirt no matter how soft it was.

I edged closer to their makeshift ring to see what was going down. Fantastic choice on my part. See, Kast made some off-handed comment about the cutesy tattoo he could see through her undershirt. He asked what it was prompting her to offer a clear view; a colorful Barn Owl nestled on her hip. Here, Barn Owls had a special meaning because they were only for the Nite Owls. The Nite Owls, being Kryze’s personal team of unmatched Spec Ops ghosts who could probably destabilize an entire first world country over night or something ridiculous. So, Huge Deal.

I put several fragments of thoughts together all at once; Kast did not. He asked why she had that Mark of Honor. Made some vague comment about why it was important “just a personal assistant” could not just wear it around. As the cherry on top he even tried to lecture her on the rules and demanded it be removed. I could detect the jealousy in his voice. He wanted one of those tattoos and would never get one.

Have you ever seen a six foot, three inch wall of could have been Alabama linebacker get his ass handed to him by about five feet and some change of definitely could be a model? I just did. It. Was. Awesome.

Before he could finish his spiel she had him on the ground. Not with dirty shots, simple but effective basics, or even an unexpectedly lucky flail. Hell no. It was like watching absolute poetry in motion. A twist of the hand in front of her face, launching her body up and over his arm to flip him forward, with his neck trapped between her thighs and his arm pinned. That held down hand looked like it was really hurting with the way she had it twisted. Everything Solus Vetra did in that moment was built to show the fuck off. When I said Natasha Romanoff I meant it.

He tapped out and she waited a few seconds longer before releasing him to gracefully rise. “Your lesson got my suit dirty. I’ll have payroll deduct the dry cleaning costs from your next check. Providing there is one of course.” In a flash she popped back up while he remained sprawled in an undignified heap. Hands on her hips, red lips pulled into a feral smile she looked down at him, “I’m the Alii'alor of Vetra and a Nite Owl within Kyr’tsad. I earned my colors and you have earned nothing. You challenged both my honor and my authority. Good luck explaining that one to A’lor.”

I have no idea if I am in love or if I am going to be scared for my life from here on out...maybe both...definitely both. At least, Kyr’tsad is fun to work for if it is a hot mess.

#caff the writer #caff writes #solus vetra #c: more than you bargained for #au: i'm the devil in the details #akaan kast #unnamed pov character

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crimsonlark · 7 years

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Forgotten Talents

Summary: A small one shot about Ross rediscovering his love of drawing. Just wanted to write something fluffy for a change :) Warnings: swearing Words: 1932

AO3 link: Here

“Hey Trott, could you get me some pencils on your next trip out?” Ross had their only wireless controller in hand, playing a new game Smith had nicked for him. His seaglass tail was loosely wrapped around Trott's waist, twitching absentmindedly as he played.

“For writing?” Trott looked up from his laptop for a moment, pushing his glasses up and rubbing his tired eyes.

“Ah, no… well… I wanted to start drawing?” Ross said in a slightly embarrassed tone. His humanlike skin was betrayed by a bluish blush that spread across his cheeks.

Trott smiled at the sheepish gargoyle and leaned over to give him a peck on the cheek, “Sure, sunshine. Did you need a sketchbook?”

“Oh, no… I um… found one in a box we never unpacked and figured I could use it? Unless it's yours….” Ross had turned his attention back to the game, the blush still dusting his pale face.

“You can use it, I bought it forever ago and never did. You like to draw? I didn’t know that,” Trott tugged on the hem of his oversized sweater and adjusted Ross’ tail on his lap so it didn't snag.

“Just a little… I used to steal bits of leftover charcoal and parchment from artists who would come in to sketch the paintings in my church and just kinda copy what they did.”

Ross remembered being enraptured by the young and old artists coming in and having the skill to reproduce the beautiful works that decorated his old home. He practiced and got better, favoring drawing the artists themselves over the paintings which were static with the same expressions.

Humans were so fascinating, always changing and malleable. As a being of stone, it was a concept that took him a long time to understand. He learned a delicate touch from drawing after crushing his charcoal too roughly and ripping paper several times. It was difficult with his claws but after a few decades he became very precise and gentle.

When Smith burned his church down he cursed himself for not saving his stack of drawings. He was so caught up in the kelpie’s promise of freedom that it slipped his mind entirely. He mourned the loss once everything settled and decided to leave his solitary hobby behind for his new life of companionship.

Recently he had observed some students doing studies in the park and it rekindled his desire to create. He was a little embarrassed but knew Trott wouldn't tease him about something dear to him. Smith never really meant to be malicious but could be an insufferable teaser sometimes.

Trott leaned over to give him one more kiss on the cheek and broke him out his reverie, “I'll grab some next time I head out.”

“Thanks, Trott. Goddammit, can you look up the solution to this one?” He switched back to his usual joking tone and Trott laughed, watching him shake the controller in frustration.

-------

The clouds had finally cleared and left so Ross took the opportunity to climb up to the roof to draw. He didn't want anyone breathing down his neck as he tried to get back into the swing of it.

He had brought up various things from the apartment and laid them on the shitty plastic table he had on the roof. A bowl of fruit, that only he usually ate, was his first target. After adjusting the fruit for a minute he decided it was good enough and sat on the dangerously creaky lawn chair with his sketchpad in his lap.

He drew for a while, eventually switching out the subject with flowers he had picked from the nearby park. He was intensely focused, tail swishing behind slowly.

He was frustrated that it was so hard, he used to be so good and now it seemed like he was back to square one after not practicing for so long. Annoyed, he crumpled up a page that was just looking terrible and did some deep breathing. ‘You just need to practice more’, he could almost hear Trott advising him. He sassed back the Trott voice in his head, laughing at himself and tried again, a little more relaxed.

Smith had been watching him stealthily for a while now, surprised he hadn't been noticed. Ross was usually very aware of his surroundings. Trott mentioned he was drawing and warned him to not bother him but when had he ever listened?

“Whatcha doin?” Smith asked, getting bored of just watching from the fire escape.

Ross jumped a little, being pulled out of his sort of trance, “What? Oh, just, uh, drawing,”

“Can I see?” Smith sauntered over and draped his arms around Ross from behind, making the chair squeak more under their weight.

“I guess … just don't make fun of me, you prick,” Ross huffed, annoyed that Smith was up here, probably to bother him.

“Oy, I'm always polite, I'll have you know. Woah, you're good! Better than I am definitely, haha,” Smith stood up and moved around to his side as Ross flicked through the couple of drawings he had done the past few days.

“Could I model for you?” Smith flashed a smile at Ross who rolled his eyes.

“I doubt you could sit still long enough.”

“I totally can, look!” Smith grabbed the other molded plastic chair and sat in it, doing a cheesy pose with his hands under his chin.

“Well, I am pretty bored of drawing fruit and shit… Fine…” Ross said in mock defeat, “But don't move until I'm done with my sketch, please.”

“Aye aye, captain,” Smith pulled a dumb face and saluted him, receiving another eyeroll. He laughed heartily and then struck a pose, one arm flexed with a smirk on his face.

“Good, stay,” Ross did quick gesture drawings, telling him to move after a few minutes each. He told him how to pose a few times but mostly Smith was pretty good at keeping it exciting.

After a little less than an hour of this Ross said he was done. “Well, lemme see, then,” Smith demanded playfully.

Ross turned the sketchbook over to him and Smith flicked through, smile on his face.

“Not bad, you made me look really sexy in this one,” He grinned and winked before tossing the sketchbook back to him.

“Thank you Smith,” Ross had packed up his supplies and pulled him into a kiss, “Mostly for not making fun of me.”

“Hey, I'm not that much of a dick…” Ross pulled a face, “Most of the time…. Okay whatever, maybe I am a dick a lot of the time but I think it's really cool that you draw, I'm definitely not good at it. It's fascinating.” Smith stretched and yawned, complaining that he was hungry.

Ross smiled and hugged Smith tight, knowing that of all the decisions he had made, he was most glad for going with Smith that day and choosing to not be alone anymore.

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“Like this?” Trott was reclined on their couch, fully nude. He was humoring Ross who was still really eager to draw since he had brought him pencils. At first he declined, he wasn't like Smith or Ross who frequently hung around stark naked without any fear.

He wasn't ashamed of his body but not extremely comfortable being so exposed. It made him feel vulnerable and he didn't like it. Only the praise and reassurance from his favorite gargoyle had made him relax enough to agree and try something new.

“Holy shit, Trott… you are so fucking gorgeous,” Ross breathed, his eyes tracing the delicate lines of his collarbone and the hint of muscle in his relaxed arms.

“Yeah, sure, says the literal piece of art,” Trott scoffed back without any real heat. He held his pose comfortably and watched Ross as he drew him. Ross’ tongue would poke out and wet his lips now and then as he occasionally muttered to himself. A small crease formed between his eyebrows, it was so endearing that there was no way Trott could’ve said no.

“Now be sure to draw my dick actual size, you know huge,” Trott gestured down at his crotch jokingly.

“Hey, don't move! I'll accurately represent your tiny dick, Trott, don't worry,” He laughed and waved absentmindedly at him.

Trott's stomach jumped with laughter as he tried to reposition his limbs how they were. He held the pose for another twenty minutes until Ross said he was done.

“Damn, Ross, it looks just like me…” Trott said amazed after he went to get a look. He had tried painting before but it was really hard and he gave up quickly when it wasn't perfect.

“Would you like some tea?” Ross smiled sheepishly, he didn't want Trott to make a big deal over his drawing.

“Yeah, thank you. Seriously, you're amazing, love. Why’d you stop drawing?” Trott asked as he slipped some boxers on and followed Ross into the kitchen.

Ross shrugged as he clattered around, getting the kettle on, “I dunno… when Smith brought me back here I lost all sense of my older self for a while. I was a whole new person with you all. Thinking about drawing brought back how lonely I felt in that church and I really didn’t want to think of those days.”

“Oh sunshine…” Trott wrapped his arms around Ross’ middle from behind and kissed his shoulder where he could reach. “Goddamn you tall bastards.” He grumbled and Ross laughed.

Ross turned in his embrace and leaned back against the counter, slumping down until they were the same height, “Better?”

“Oh shut up,” Trott rolled his eyes before kissing him. He ran his hands through his short dark hair, trying to put all his love for the man into the kiss. They all were terrible about sharing feelings and Trott cursed himself that he didn’t tell Ross more that they loved him and wanted him. He was such a delicate thing in a tough exterior, stone cold and unyielding when they first met. Now more than ever he looked human and just as vulnerable as Trott had felt when he first left the kingdom under the sea.

They broke apart and he looked intently into his eyes. A swirl of magic could be seen in those ocean water eyes if you knew what to look for. Trott lifted his hand up and stroked his bottom lip before resting it on the side of his face. One last tender kiss and the teapot interrupted them. They sighed and ended their embrace, fingers laced together as Ross deftly prepared their tea with one hand.

They returned to the couch and snuggled close, slowly drinking as the it cooled off.

“Ross, I know we all don’t say it enough but… I love you, Smith loves you. Hell, Sips is hopelessly in love with you. I just want you to know that you’ll always be ours and we’ll be yours. You don’t have to ever be alone again,” Trott’s eyes were a little misty but he hid it by quickly taking another sip of tea.

“I know. I love you all too. That’s why I decided I could draw again, I’m not attached to my past anymore and I want to share all I have with you,” Ross smiled, a small tear welling in his eye and breaking only to have Trott catch it with a soft hand.

“No crying in your tea, it’ll ruin the taste,” Trott laughed gently.

Ross just snorted and lied his head on Trott’s shoulder as they both enjoyed the quiet apartment.

#UMY #hatslash #yogslash #yogfic #hatfic #cat writes stuff

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mrbronzeskull · 8 years

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Lmao answer them all and good luck ;)

I’m reblogging this, sans readmore, as it was brought to my attention that for at least one person, everything under that just didn’t show up. I humbly beg forgiveness for putting such a huge chunk of text on everyones dash.Spacey, you cheeky sod. I swear this is like the second time you’ve done this. (I both love and hate you for it) Here we fucking go: THIS TOOK AN HOUR AND A HALF TO DO

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?I don’t exactly get physical with folks so I have to assume it was my ex, several months ago.2. Are you outgoing or shy?Shy, Bi and ready to die3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?@gpumidnazora, some day.4. Are you easy to get along with?I guess so? Not very argumentative, very quiet, tell bad jokes.5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?I’d like to think so.6. What kind of people are you attracted to?All of them. More feminine aligned folks usually but super masc folks and androgynous peeps have totally taken my breath away too. Less general note, nerdy folk who I can obsess over something with. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?I mean, I’m in one now and while it does have a massive issue because of distance, I’d like to think we can tough it out.8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?My girlfriend.9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?A little, I get flustered easily if im not super close with folks.10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Fuck, uh, myself? I often have super deep conversations that I should probably talk to a therapist or someone about just aloud to myself. But if that isnt an acceptable answer, @gpumidnazora takes the cake.11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“Oh hell, I thought I said hi when I got home and was all like ‘huh, she hasn’t replied, guess she’s already asleep” after I goofed up on letting my gf know I got home on time.12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?OH! I got one from just this morning! Let’s Face It I’m Cute by 11 Acorn Lane.Aside from that I’ve been all nostalgic lately so Mr Brightside by The KillersTeenage Dirtbag by WheatusGoodbye Stranger by SupertrampEverytime We Touch by Cascada13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Yes. Please do. I’m a big sucker for this. Or any physical affection really. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Miracles not so much but its real hard to not think of things as lucky or unlucky for me15. What good thing happened this summer?I got plenty of hours at work! 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Nope. No. Nuh. There’s two girls it might be and neither of those would be a good choice.17. Do you think there is life on other planets?I mean, it’s literally either that or we are completely alone in the entire universe. Which seems far more terrifying to me. So yeah. But I’m always thinking like microbial or basic life, rather than you know, aliens replete with UFOs and such.18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Nah, havent talked to her in years.19. Do you like bubble baths?I almost always shower, too big for the bath really.20. Do you like your neighbors?Fuck dude I dont even know my neighbours21. What are you bad habits?God, what isnt? Nail biting, snacking, bad sleep schedule, shower delays, then too long in the shower, generally messy22. Where would you like to travel?Canada, Tokyo, America, Brazil, Europe, New Zealand. Anywhere with snow23. Do you have trust issues?Yes? I’m not all that open. Until I am and it’s like BAM HERE’S MY ENTIRE LIFE STORY which is too much typically.24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Jerkin’ it just soooo right. Kidding. Mostly. Anytime cuddling my cat while catching up on Youtube videos is great.25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?My back. just all of that. Beats out the chewed nails and the flab and the face any time.26. What do you do when you wake up?Regret27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Darker. But I’m such a shut in so that aint happening. Least it looks alright next to my paper white sister28. Who are you most comfortable around?Myself. Or my good friend Emily Mac, the @keepingitreluctant that you all know and love29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?One, and boy that was a fucking nightmare of a time.30. Do you ever want to get married?Not really? I mean, tax benefits are nice but I don’t care for it much.31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?Nah, or at least it’s the shittiest ponytail ever, though my hair is the longest it’s probably ever been.32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?I’d take a spin with pretty much anyone because dang most of them are hella good looking plus all that money you could earn through scandalous details afterwards. 33. Spell your name with your chin.zxzbnldyu. Perfect, nailed it. Funnily enough it’s pronounced ‘Ashley’34. Do you play sports? What sports?I played, emphasis on the ‘ed’, soccer (football) and tennis and fencing!35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV, easy. I listen to music way more than I watch TV.36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Who hasn’t? Though I have an awful habit of fallin in love with folks when I see them if they catch my eye. All the time. Everyone just looks so dang good and cute.37. What do you say during awkward silences?I’m more of a creator of awkward silences than an ender. Yay for being bad at simple conversation.38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Aw jeez. I mean I’m tempted to earn brownie points by just describing my lovely girlfriend. But if I had to draw up an ideal, I guess just a real sweet cutie who’s down for cuddling and playing games, preferably nice and short, all adorable and fun sized! Short hair is a plus.39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?I don’t shop often. So I guess Robinsons bookshop, EB games and Zing? is that the name of that store filled with ‘nerdy’ junk that’s like partnered with EB?40. What do you want to do after high school?Fuck man I went through high school not knowing and I still have no idea41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?I give so many second chances. Multiple. But it does depend on the action. If you hurt me, no matter how much or how often, I’ll let it slide (possibly because I have 0 self respect) but if you fuck with my mates or are just a despicable person in general I will only give you a couple chances.42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?I’m almost always pretty quiet. but if i go silent mid conversation it probably means I’m trying to turn something that just got said into a really lame dad joke.43. Do you smile at strangers?yes and no. If I’m interacting with them or like they pass by and its only the two of us I’ll happily put on a (hopefully not creepy) smile but I won’t have a smile plastered on my face walking through a crowd.44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Space. Definitely. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?At the moment, the need to get to work46. What are you paranoid about?People finding out about the murders This and that, usual dark secrets.47. Have you ever been high?Yup and it was eh, I laughed at all sorts of junk but I got serious cottonmouth and had all sorts of gaps in my memory, even worse than normal which was scary.48. Have you ever been drunk?Plenty of times and I think I’m probably 50/50 on if i threw up or not.49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Recently? I did get Maccas for dinner and pretend that I wasnt hungry when I got home after a rough day at workLess recently I fucked up in a life changing way that no one else knows of and I don’t know what to do about that.50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Black51. Ever wished you were someone else?Again, who hasn’t? 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?Add a couple zeros to the end of my bank balance would be nice. But physically? Clean up my fucking back. 53. Favourite makeup brand?Afraid I really don’t know anything about any of them enough to make a judgement call. 54. Favourite store?Zing (im sticking with that name, fuck it) is fun to just chill in55. Favourite blog?God so many, you are all too great!56. Favourite colour?Turquoise 57. Favourite food?A good steak is hard to turn down58. Last thing you ate?Rice and mince.59. First thing you ate this morning?A caramel Up&Go to wash down some pills.60. Ever won a competition? For what?I’m more of a second place kinda person. Or was. It’s all been going downhill for a while in academic or sporting respect.61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?I almost got suspended/expelled after a particularly nasty and widespread tidbit rumour went around about me.62. Been arrested? For what?Nope.63. Ever been in love?I think so. I’m the kinda guy to say it pretty early. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?Uh, I took my girlfriend of the time out to a roller skating rink, I couldn’t skate for shit and I couldnt look her in the eyes without turning away and blushing. Let alone hold a conversation. But afterwards she was kind enough to deign to grant me a kiss in the parking lot.65. Are you hungry right now?Nope, I’m good.66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?I talk to you guys just as much as them nowadays. But I would say I’m closer to them than anyone on tumblr, no offense. 67. Facebook or Twitter?Uh I have both but don’t use them.68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr hands down, this is like my only social network platform69. Are you watching tv right now?Nope70. Names of your bestfriends?Emma, Emily, Hayley, Imogen, Lucinda, Ebony71. Craving something? What?Getting intimate with a guy, just accepting my bisexuality recently has kinda kicked that into overdrive. And now I’m blushin.72. What colour are your towels?We’ve got white, black and turquoise72. How many pillows do you sleep with?One73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?Not in about 10 years.74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?I wouldnt have a clue how many stuffed animals from when I was younger are still tucked away in the house75. Favourite animal?Meerkat.76. What colour is your underwear?Black77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Vanilla78. Favourite ice cream flavour?probably vanilla79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Black80. What colour pants?No pants!81. Favourite tv show?Brooklyn Nine Nine or Bojack Horseman82. Favourite movie?Iron Giant? Road to El Dorado? Spaceballs? Something nostalgic83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?There’s a second?84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean Girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Uh, fuck I dont remember the names. The lovely lesbian lass. She was great.86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Bruce.87. First person you talked to today?My girlfriend88. Last person you talked to today?Verballly, my mum, text wise, my girlfriend89. Name a person you hate?Donald Motherfuckign Trump, I mean hating trump is as common as breathing air as it should be but man he’s such a fucking disgusting cunt.90. Name a person you love?My parents.91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?God I have spent many an hour dreaming of socking Trump right in that bullshit spewing mouth92. In a fight with someone?Not currently. Or at least, the feud is still open and so old it isn’t a fight anymore.93. How many sweatpants do you have?Two?94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Two?95. Last movie you watched?Moana 96. Favourite actress?Ellen Page is up there for sure97. Favourite actor?Chris Pratt98. Do you tan a lot?Ha, most of my body isnt aware what the sun is99. Have any pets?Boy do I. 2 cats and 5 dogs. 10 chooks.100. How are you feeling?A tad tired.101. Do you type fast?Pretty average 102. Do you regret anything from your past?HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA My memory is a whole lot of regrets floating in a void of forgotten moments.103. Can you spell well?W-E-L-L104. Do you miss anyone from your past?A past best friend of mine.105. Ever been to a bonfire party?I’ve hosted a couple and been invited to one106. Ever broken someone’s heart?I doubt it. Not exactly the type. (devastatingly good looking and/or callous)107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yup, wasn’t the thing for me108. What should you be doing?Sleeping?109. Is something irritating you right now?Well I’m now being inundated by regretful thoughts so that’s a bother.110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Nah. 111. Do you have trust issues?I feel like this was already asked. But yeah, I would say so.112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?I haven’t cried in literal years. I don’t have a clue.113. What was your childhood nickname?It’s always just been Ash114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yup, I’ve been all over the place115. Do you play the Wii?I have, but its been a hot minute116. Are you listening to music right now?Yeah, I had Let’s Face It I’m Cute up for the link and it just played a whole bunch of electroswing music on youtube, now on The Noisy Freaks by Freak Orchestra at least I think thats the name and band, I’ve never heard it before117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?sure118. Do you like Chinese food?Probably not my favorite, but it’s nice119. Favourite book?Too many man, way too many. 120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not really.121. Are you mean?I don’t think so. I’m a weak willed pushover and generally benign and quiet122. Is cheating ever okay?Ugh, it’s not exactly commendable but like anything, it’s all circumstance123. Can you keep white shoes clean?I have white runners, which remain clean by the virtue of me never exercising.124. Do you believe in love at first sight?Not actually, but like i said before I get infatuated on sight all the time.125. Do you believe in true love?Not really.126. Are you currently bored?Buddy, my existence is being bored.127. What makes you happy?my pets.128. Would you change your name?I wanted to change my name to Seth when I was younger after years of “ashley is a girls name’ 129. What your zodiac sign?L1BR4130. Do you like subway?Yeah. it’s normally pretty tasty.131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?I mean, I’m currently dating and so is she so that would be a mess, but I doubt much would come of it.132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Ok im 90000% sure this was already asked.133. Favourite lyrics right now?“No matter what I conjure it could not help me deflect/ The angry death, of every hopeful thought/ that I might be a lover or a fighter…”134. Can you count to one million?I suppose I could. Like I have the capacity. But I’d get bored and give the fuck up without good reason to do so135. Dumbest lie you ever told?fuck me, I lie, alot, it’s my go to defense. Which is bad. but whatever. Probably the one where I skipped tennis training and claimed that I was going to extra french lessons instead, which was immediately called out by the French teacher.136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed. keep the cat in and the dogs out137. How tall are you?175 ish cms, which is 5′10″ i think138. Curly or Straight hair?Straight, despite threats of it getting curly should I let it get longer than a college cut.139. Brunette or Blonde?Wait is this asking preferences. fuck. Uh, Brunette? I’m not fussed by hair colour. though I’d probably avoid redheads just because my mum and one sister are redheads 140. Summer or Winter?WINTER141. Night or Day?Night142. Favourite month?October? it’s got my birthday!143. Are you a vegetarian?Nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?Milk145. Tea or Coffee?meh, not fussed either way146. Was today a good day?sure! I got to start work 2/3 hours later than normal after a fucking killer three days.147. Mars or Snickers?Mars? I dont eat a lot of either148. What’s your favourite quote?I dont really have one off-hand149. Do you believe in ghosts?not really.150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Captain Thomas Kelly, from the forty-sixth Precinct, said; ‘It looks accidental. Grant may have suspected that his familiarity with Damien place him above danger, but a hungry python does not quibble about such niceties’”I know its more than a line, but that’s a hilarious quote.

#long post #long as fuck post #ask list #spaceoutdreamer #ask

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viralhottopics · 8 years

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21 Nurses And Doctors Share Their Most Insane And Hilarious Stories Of A Patient Faking It

1. A Mother Finds A Way…

“Had a mother come in and INSIST that her child had Silver-Russell syndrome. You can go read on it. It’s not that easy to fake, as it’s a bunch of metabolic conditions mixed with congenital abnormalities.

The kid was small, but not that small (around 6th percentile). He didn’t weight much (5th percentile). All of this, with a right arm length 2 cm more than the left side, were borderline criteria for Silver-Russell. Did genetic testing, which came back negative, but 30% of cases are negative.

So the deciding factor was one of the ‘soft’ criteria of hypoglycemia. Once she heard about this (she printed out 30-40 articles on the disease), she came back with the kid in a coma. But when the kid was in the hospital, he was never hypoglycemic. He went home, and came back in a coma a few weeks later. Again, as soon as he was eating normally at the hospital, he was never hypoglycemic.

She starved her child into comas repeatedly for the diagnosis of Silver-Russell. She was also a ‘bougon,’ people who live off welfare and make a game out of it. By the way, she was in a wheelchair when at the hospital. Once I had enough of her bullshit and walked into the room after only knocking once. She was walking around normally and jumped into the wheelchair as soon as she saw me.

I believe it was for money since in Canada/Quebec, you get money when your child has a genetic disability… God, if it was legal, I would have slapped some sense into that her.”

2. It’s A Miracle!

“My husband is a firefighter and EMT and he told me about a time where they were called for a man seizing. When they got there a guy was lying face up on the floor not moving and then started faking a seizure. They stood there saying things like ‘Oh wow. This is a bad one. But if they did X then we should really be worried!’ and the patient would suddenly start doing X behavior. Apparently this went on for a while until he miraculously woke up in the ambulance asking for opiates.”

3. Whooping Cough

“My mom’s an ER nurse and she said once some crazy lady came in and complained hat she had the whooping cough. And whenever she coughed she followed it with a loud ‘woooOOOP!’”

4. “A Nice, tasty Lortab Might Help, Doctor”

“When I was a resident, I had a patient in clinic that was doing that round-about thing patients do when they want narcotics but aren’t going to directly ask for them. She would hint at having arthritis pain that ‘just doesn’t seem to get better except that one time she took lortab’ and that ‘you know, her friend gave her a Percocet once and it helped a lot’ (never mind the fact that this lady was 100% functional despite ‘debilitating pain’.

At the end of the clinic visit, when I offered a physical therapy referral and stronger NSAIDs (the actual treatment for osteoarthritis), she suddenly sat straight up, looked me in the eye, and said, ‘Doctor, I don’t know how…but I’m totally paralyzed.’

Seriously. She pretended that, all of a sudden, everything other than her mouth was totally paralyzed. She made us send her to the ER (but not before she had my nurse unwrap a peppermint and literally put it on her tongue because ‘her blood sugar felt low’). We had to lift this nutcase into a wheelchair (during which we could all feel her shifting and repositioning…not something a paralyzed person would do) and roll her to the ER to be evaluated for ‘sudden paralysis’.

While in the ER, she suggested to the ER doc that maybe Lortab would fix her paralysis, and when the ER doc rightly refused this treatment, she got out of the stretcher and walked out.”

5.Girl Begins Fake Convulsions Out Of Grief

“Not even a patient but a family member. The family was grieving in the room due to the patient just being made comfort care and not expected to survive the day. A niece of the patient, who was easily in her 30’s, started screaming like she was being murdered and fell to the floor near our nursing pod. She started ‘convulsing’ but her family completely ignored her. Some even side stepped her or literally stepped over her while trying to leave the unit. The niece would randomly convulse while we were loading her onto a stretcher. The charge nurse picked this ladies arm up and let it fall. It some how just softly returned to her side. Finally she was loaded up and we were ready to transport her to the ER. The ladies aunt/mom/sister? looked at the doctor and asked if the hospital was going to pay for her tests. The doctor on the unit said no and ‘miraculously’ the niece shot up and acted like she couldn’t remember what happened. The rest of the family just left her there and told the desk not to let her back in to the unit once she was escorted out.”

6. Kidney Stones From The Parking Lot

“Husband is a Urologist. ER calls with a patient who is reportedly writhing in pain from kidney stones. Patient brought with him a stone he passed for analysis. Hubby walks in, sees one of the regular drug seekers, takes a look at the sample determines it’s a pebble guy picked up in the parking lot.”

7. Drunk Girl Prepares For Her Seizure

“Get called for an unconscious intox’s at a bar. Get her out to the ambulance, she shouts ‘I’M HAVING A SEIZURE’ and starts waving her arms around. I tell her ‘people who have seizures generally don’t announce it first.’ Her response? ‘You’re being very judgmental, I was getting ready in case I had a seizure.’

……gotta stretch, I guess.”

8. Good Guy Car Accident Victim Runs A Con

“I was an intern in a busy trauma ED when a guy walks up the ambulance bay and screams he needs to be seen immediately. They take him back and he starts telling everyone he was in a car accident last night going ‘100+ mph’ on the interstate but did not go to the hospital because he was worried about his friend, the driver. But now he’s losing feeling in his legs and has severe back pain and needs to be seen.

So of course the story is super fishy but we put him on a backboard/collar and get some xrays of chest and pelvis (our protocol for any severe trauma). The radiologist who is stationed in the ED flags me and asks when out patient got a CT scan. He showed me his pelvis x ray and his bladder is super bright: it’s filled with the iodine contrast agent they inject in your veins when you get a CT which is then excreted by the kidneys over the next few hours.

So we confront our patient about why he didn’t tell us about being seen at another hospital and getting a CT. He launches into a rambling explanation about concussions and amnesia. He has, of course, also exhibited several other drug seeking behaviors in his short time in the ED. He decides to leave AMA but not before asking the nurse directions to the nearest hospital, presumably to try the same trick.”

9. Home Nurse Gets Robbed

“My wife’s a district nurse, she drives to peoples homes changing dressings, giving medications etc etc. Her job has her dealing with many people such as gang members and people on home detention, but the worst in her opinion, the people you never trust even a little bit are the methadone patients, according to her a lot of them will try anything to get a little bit more.

She had one not long ago that was being extremely talkative, almost like he didn’t want her to leave the house. Then he started showing her every little lump and bump, wanting her to make sure they weren’t infections or anything. Although he wasn’t making her uncomfortable, she did think it was strange for him as he was normally very quiet and wanted the nurses gone asap.

When she got back to her car the back window had been smashed in but all that was missing was her sharps container and the lockbox the drugs were kept in. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on so she walks back to the house, looks in the front window and sees the methadone dude and another guy sitting on the couch trying to open her lockbox and emptying the sharps container on the floor.

She called the police at that point and despite knowing that some of the needles now on the floor were from an HIV+ patient she had earlier in the day she sat in the car until the PD arrived because you never ever get between a junkie and a fix.”

10. Man Fakes Migraine To Get Out Of Paying For His Meal

“Paramedic here.

Gentleman called 911 from a restaurant claiming he had a migraine and was unable to see properly. He was literally 2 blocks from a hospital.

I’ve had migraines, I’m sympathetic. On the way to the call I was planning my treatment plan so he would be more comfortable during the wait in the emerg.

He was waiting outside, in full sunlight, waving at us. Thanked us politely for coming ‘to his rescue’. Sat in the well lit ambulance, chatting up a storm, making inappropriate jokes, and laughing. Stating the whole time he has 10/10 pain from a migraine, and that only Percocet works to reduce the pain. He has them frequently, and wouldn’t you know it, he’s run out of his prescribed medication, and his doctor is on vacation.

The chef from the restaurant he called from came out and asked for his information. Our patient was ‘unable to pay his bill, due to the pain.’ He conveniently had no ID he could leave with the restaurant, and only had his debit card with him. He promised to come back, once he was feeling well enough to tap his PIN into the machine, but right now he couldn’t. The chef knew 100% the guy was full of shit, but couldn’t do anything.

As someone who has had a vomiting, shaking, vision effecting, migraine in the past, he did nothing to convince he was in actual discomfort. I actually would greatly prefer if he had said, ‘I ate a meal I can’t afford, and I’m addicted to pain killers, can you please take me to the ER.’ Honesty would have gotten him better treatment from everyone involved.”

11. Screams For Pain Meds When Not Having A Seizure

“This JUST happened last week, strangely enough. I’ve been a nurse for 4 years now, and this is probably the worst I’ve seen it.

Young adult comes in with seizure-like activity. We’re a neuroscience floor, so we get these a lot. Complains of severe abdominal pain related to her seizures, apparently. They run multiple CTs and MRIs that come back clean. We put her on a 24 hour VEEG machine (video EEG for those who don’t know). She reportedly has 100s of seizures throughout the night, with full body convulsions, drooling, upper extremity contractions, and will not respond to verbal stimuli. Post ictal, she’s not lethargic, just confused. Doesn’t know her own name, the place that she’s in, or what time it is, but the rest of her neuro assessment is benign. No bladder incontinence during, had perfect control of all limbs.

She screams for pain meds when she’s not having seizures, but is for some reason refusing everything they offer her. Tylenol – nope. Percocet – makes her feel weird. Lidoderm patch for her abdomen – it gives her sores in her mouth. I guarantee if a doctor offered Opiates, she would have been all over that.

After 24 hours of being her, $1000s worth of tests being run all coming up negative, the doctors had no choice but to send her home. She become agitated and seizing again, while the doctor is basically explaining that she’s faking it. He says, ‘I’ll wait.’ She immediately stops.

Security had to escort he out, with me in tow, because I was too paranoid that she would throw herself on the floor before leaving and demand to be readmitted. They recommended an outpatient psych consult for her, which made her even angrier. Lord knows, maybe the seizures felt real to her, but she didn’t need a special kind of help.”

12. A Colossal Waste Of Everyone’s Time

“EMT here. The one that sticks out is the most textbook example of drug seeking behavior.

Get called out to a residence at 2 am (because of course, it’s always 2 am). Guy says he’s having 10/10 finger pain and gingerly holding his hand in the air. Says there was no trauma, just started suddenly and it’s unbearable.

So we load him up, take him the 25 minutes the the hospital. Entire time he’s holding his hand in the air. But we had a full conversation, talked about Football, never once did he complain about pain.

We wheel him into the ER and literally the second we walk through the door, this guy starts in pain. Says he can’t sit still the pain is unbearable, he has to stand up, screaming at the nurse to help. Then he turned to the nurse and said:

‘I had this same issue at a different hospital 2 weeks ago. They couldn’t tell what was wrong. They gave me morphine but that didn’t work so then they gave me dilaudid. That worked. So maybe you should just start with dilaudid tonight.’ And then he went back to moaning in pain.

Nurse and I just looked at each other, we put him in a bed and I drove the 35 minutes back to station. Highly doubt he was given any pain less that night, was just a colossal waste of everyone’s time.”

13. People Really Act Out

“I am an X-ray tech. All the time in the ED you will have patients that come in seeking things. These patients will have a bunch of X-rays ordered. So when you first start the exams they will be in all sorts of pain. They cannot position any body part. Fighting and begging you to not do it. Then after about 15 minutes, when they notice you’re going to do your job. They stop the charade and get through the stack of images ordered on them. It’s quite incredible really.

The other thing that blows my mind is when people want the worst possible outcome of their disease. Like you can feel the craving for sympathy emanating from them. With phrases ‘Ohhh that’s really bad isn’t it’ or ‘Oh man is that the worse you’ve seen?’ Not said with dread, but barely hidden excitement.”

14. Some Of The Most Obvious Fakes

“I have so many of these!!

–Male patient, 18 years old, rolled in unconscious. Mom says he’s been like that for the past four hours. Go to check his lungs when I hear something interesting. I place the stethoscope near his mouth and hear him breathe in normally, but then breathe out by saying ‘breath’. No joke.

–Male patient, 21 years old, admitted with inability to speak for last two hours and respiratory distress. Lungs clear, but we hook him up to oxygen for a few minutes. After he’s taken off, his father comes running and drags me over, saying his sons tongue refuses to go back in after receiving the oxygen. I look at the kid and he’s seriously just lying there with his tongue poking out like a child. I tell them to push it back in. A few hours later the dad tells me the boy is convulsing. I go to see without making my presence known and he’s lying there just fine. The moment I ask the mom how he’s doing, he starts ‘convulsing’. Think of an odd version of the worm, but on his back.

–Female patient, 16 years old, admitted with complaints of recurrent seizures and frothing from the mouth. I look at her and she is literally blowing spit bubbles. I check her reflexes, everything is intact. The moment I turn away to check on another patient, she suddenly becomes ‘rigid’ and the spitting intensifies.

–Male patient, 30 years old, unconscious and completely unresponsive for six hours. This guy was totally dedicated to his act. I initially approached it as a stroke, but when the blood pressure, ECG, reflexes, pupils, etc all are normal….I start checking pain sensation. He slowly began to open his eyes and groan as I asked him to tell me his name, but the moment his Achilles’ tendon was pressed, he suddenly sat up, stated his name, and declared himself cured.

–Female patient, 17 years old, complained of respiratory distress and convulsions. Everything’s normal on admission, and she’s conscious but refuses to eat. Parents are worried out of their minds, and every few minutes she has a ‘fit’ where she would just basically shake from side to side. She let slip to a nurse that she didn’t want to go to school that week, so she was faking an illness. Since she was refusing to eat, the attending wrote up an order for a nasogastric tube (which was inserted and then removed by her in a matter of minutes), and we prescribed her sugar pills because her parents wouldn’t let us transfer her to psychiatry or discharge her. She finally left after four days.”

15. Three Hilarious Paramedic Faker Stories

“Paramedic here – I have three stories that come to mind.

Story #1 – We get called to a local Waffle House for a seizure. We walk in to find a man lying on the floor, not moving, but breathing. We start talking to the waitress, asking what had happened. While talking to her, we occasionally look down at the patient, and find him with one eye barely cracked open, watching us; when he sees us looking at him, he closes his eye. This happens a few times. Then the cops show up and find out what’s going on. One of the officers asks the waitress, ‘Did he (patient) eat here?’

‘Yes, he did.’

‘How much is his bill?’

‘Fourteen dollars.’

At this point, the officers roll the patient over and find his wallet; the guy has a $20 bill in it. One of the officers takes out the $20, gives it to the waitress, and tells her, ‘keep the change.’ You could see the anger in the patient’s face when he realizes he’s not getting out of paying his bill. He ended up faking a seizure on the way to the hospital (I’m not about to explain how I know it was fake, because I’m not going to give anyone ANY info on how to fake a seizure).

Story #2 – We get called to a fall in the women’s bathroom at Wal-Mart. We walk in, and the manager is FREAKING OUT. We go into the bathroom to find a white female face up on the floor – I’m guessing she weighs at least 350 lbs; there were two friends of hers standing in there with her. I ask her what happened; she says she slipped on a puddle and fell, hurting her back. I look all over the bathroom floor; there’s NO water on the floor. I ask the manager AND the patient’s friends – ‘Do you see water on the floor?’ They all said, ‘No.’ I then tell the patient, ‘There’s no water on the floor, ma’am.’ She says, ‘I’m lying on top of it.’ We’re going to have to roll her to her side in order to get a backboard under her and pick her up; I explain that to her. As we roll her to her side, I check her back for any obvious injuries; I then check her clothing AND the floor she was lying on – nothing was wet. I have the manager (who was grinning from ear to ear at this point) and the patient’s friends look – ‘Do you see water on the floor? Are her clothes wet?’ They all said, ‘No.’ We then roll the patient onto the board, pick her up, and place her on a stretcher.

At this point, I tell the patient, ‘I’m going to be writing up paperwork for this call and your treatment. Part of what is going to be written up is the fact that you said you slipped on a wet floor, and that no water was found either on the floor or soaked into your clothing. This is standard; I have to write up what I’m told in addition to what I see. What you need to understand is this – if you happen to decide to take Wal-Mart to court, they can request a copy of my run report, and it’s going to show what you said and what I found. They can also summon me to testify, and if they do, I’m going to tell them what you told me and what I saw, the manager saw, and what your friends saw. That being said, do you want to keep dragging this out and go to the hospital, or do you want to just get up from my stretcher and be done with it?’

She chose to get up and leave.

Story #3 – We get called to a 13 year old having a first-time seizure. We get on scene, and the entire family is freaking out, except for the father. I walk into the room where the kid was – OBVIOUS FAKER. I turn to dad and have him go outside into the hallway, I tell him the boy is faking, and I ask if anything unusual happened today. The father tells me he found marijuana in the kid’s room, and he was getting on to him about it when the kid started ‘seizing.’ I reassured the father that his son was NOT seizing, and he asked if we could take him to the hospital ‘just to be safe.’ I said no problem. We pick the kid up and put him on the stretcher, and as we head outside to the ambulance, he exhibits more behavior that shows he’s faking.

Inside the ambulance, I tell the kid that I know he’s faking and ask him to stop, but he keeps on. The hospital we take him to doesn’t have board-certified Emergency Department physicians; they use General Practice and Internal Medicine physicians (a LOT of smaller hospitals do this). I bring the kid in and give a patient report to the internal medicine doc and the RN, and I say the kid is ‘faking his seizure activity.’ The doctor had a problem with that – ‘You can’t possibly tell that he’s faking.’ I assure him that, yes, the kid is faking. I explain the situation that led up to him faking, and that I could prove it. The doctor says, ‘I’d like to see that.’

The RN knows EXACTLY what’s going on and what I wanted to do; he’s all for it! So I say to the kid, ‘Bob (I don’t remember his name), we need a urine sample from you, and we need you to wake up to do it. If you don’t wake up, we’re going to shove a tube into your penis, run it all the way into your bladder, and take a urine sample from you. Please, just wake up and give us a sample.’

Nothing from the kid.

‘Okay, Bob, if you don’t wake up in 10 seconds, we’re going to start prepping you to get the tube shoved into your penis. Ten, nine, eight, FIVEFOURTHREETWOONE!’

His eyes opened wide as saucers before he realized we caught him. He then closed his eyes, started blinking, looked around the room, and said, ‘What happened?’ The RN was laughing, and the doc was a little pissed.”

16. School Nurse Doesn’t Stand For Nonsense

“My mother was the school nurse when I was in high school, but she’s been a nurse my whole life. She’s told me a few good stories (obviously without names). But I was lucky enough to overhear one of the students trying to fake an illness to get out of class. The kid, we’ll call him Derrick, was a skud. White trash, moody, and destructive. Not my favorite classmate. But I was laying there when I heard him come in and start his routine of attention seeking. (mom used to let me skip seminary and nap on the empty beds).So my mom runs through all the basics, temp, blood pressure, etc. Well Derrick finally just cuts to the chase, obviously frustrated with the procedure, ‘Look Mrs. S, something is seriously wrong here and I’m not faking it this time!’ He screeched, defenses already 10 feet high.

‘OK Derrick, what’s the problem this time?’ She asked.

‘Well, earlier this morning, I started feeling sick, so I went to the bathroom to throw up. After I was done I looked at the toilet…(dramatic pause) and there where over a dozen whole baby carrots…(another pause, this one I think was for any gasps that might be coming) AND I DON’T EVEN EAT CARROTS!’ He nearly shouted.

Well, after about a 10 second pause and what I’m guessing was the hardest straight face my mother ever had to keep. She said, still fighting back laughter, ‘Well, Derrick your body is producing carrots at an alarming rate. Weird that it only seems to happen during gym, though. Here is a Gatorade and a hall pass to get back to class, see you tomorrow, Derrick.’

He left, stunned to be written off so easily and we had a good ol’ laugh.

‘And I don’t even eat carrots!’ has become a family favorite catchphrase.”

17. Limps On The Wrong Leg

“Student nurse, but this happened when I was at the gym.

Guy next to me fell off the elliptical, somehow got his foot trapped between the foot pedals and went sideways. The surprisingly inept PTs (Personal trainers are usually well trained in first aid) were freaking out and this guy is really hamming it up. Talks of calling an ambulance are thrown about. I offer to step in.

‘AHHHHHH MY ANKLE’ He’s on the floor grabbing his leg. I kneel next to him.

‘Hey bro,’ I greet him. He’s so surprised that I’m there (came up from behind) that he forgets to groan. ‘How much does it hurt on a scale of 1-10?’

‘Erm… 8,’ he says. I look at his ankle. There’s a scratch on it the size of a penny and superficial, hardly any blood. Little red around the scratch, ankle not swollen. I ask him if he can point and flex his foot and rotate his ankle, which he can do with zero difficulty, not even a grimace. I figure he’s probably hamming it up cuz it’s embarrassing falling off a machine in front of everyone, so I get him an ice pack (mostly for show tbh), tell him he’ll be fine, and tell the PTs not to call an ambulance. His sister comes to pick him up in her car and he limps out on the wrong leg.”

18. The Other End Of The Spectrum

“Had an elderly man who was in his early 70s (long term smoker) who came in with shortness of breath, trouble breathing, and a little bit of a cough and occasional production of blood tinged sputum. <— that last one is a bad sign

He also complained of a little bit of back pain he’d been having that started about a month ago after he was helping his son move. When asked to rate his pain he said 2/10 (‘not too bad’).

He has no other history, always had good blood pressure, no cholesterol issues, no diabetes… has a little bit of anxiety/depression, unmedicated.

So we check him out. Reduced breath sounds all across, more so on the left lower side. Tenderness to palpation in the lower back, he jumped when we touched it, said it was about a 3/10 when we touched it.

Check vitals, his blood pressure is 180/85 (this happens with severe pain), he has no fever, and his heart rate is in the 120s (also happens with pain).

Get scans and labs. He has three broken vertebrae, probably pathological (caused by cancer) a pleural effusion (it was malignant, as in, caused by cancer), and a few masses in his left lung. Guy had stage 4 lung cancer that spread to his back, caused his back to break, and he said he had 2-3/10 back pain.

Either he was set on fire in his childhood and then beaten with 2x4s filled with nails then rolled in broken glass… or he was faking not having pain. This is someone who we would describe as a ‘minimizer’.

Not the typical story you expected, I guess.

He got his surgery, and the next day wanted to leave the hospital cuz he had to do some paperwork and pay his bills, didn’t take any of the pain meds offered to him, except at night to help him sleep.

I hope he’s still alive, was a really nice guy.”

19. Domestic Drama At A Crash Scene

“Firefighter/first responder here, I once had a call for a ‘vehicle that struck a power pole’ at 2 am on a major street. We arrive on scene to find a telephone pole snapped in half and a car that had crossed 8 lanes of traffic to hit this pole straight on. We found the “patient” lying on the ground next to her car, laying on her back with arms crossed across her chest clutching her phone. Right next to her were her shoes laid perfectly next to each other by her feet. As I approached her I could see her squint one eye trying to see what I was doing. I know she was faking by all of this and called an officer over to ‘help hold C-spine’ I called her name with no response so next step was painful stimulus, grinding your knuckles into the sternum is an acceptable way to check, the second I said ‘I’m going to give her a sternum rub’ she was awake. Right when we finished packaging her for the ambulance I noticed a man talking to the police obviously drunk. That’s when I noticed she smelled of alcohol too, turns out the woman called 911 to report her own accident and the husband told the police they were drunk, got in a fight, and she decided to leave even when he told her not too, it was a fake suicide attempt to make him feel bad so he pressed charges for grand theft auto and totaling the car.”

20. Avoiding Football Practice

“Medical student here.

Like a month ago at the ER, a mother came with her 10yo son who claimed to have a monstruous knee pain and that he couldn’t move. So when we came to his room he was lying down (important for continuity)

X-ray was normal, knee was normal, not red, no swelling.

Each time we would touch his knee or try to move his leg or his thigh he would scream like we were torturing him, and his scream seemed genuine.

But with every test being normal and no explanation to this atypic pain we were confused and thinking he’s faking it.

So we asked him to try to move his leg on his own and he would barely move it and scream, then we asked him if he felt pain when standing up he said yes, we asked him to get up and surprise : he got up by bending his knee, fastly but we saw it, he was trying to simulate but he didn’t fully succeed.

I mean it was so obvious, he amlost made a 90 angle with his knee and as soon he touched the ground and got up he started to scream etc.

All of that was just the little boy simulating to avoid going to his football training.”

21. Threat Of Large Needle Cures Unconscious Patient

“When I was a junior medical student without much experience on the wards, a homeless patient came in who was ‘unconscious’. Except, she wasn’t. I mean, obviously wasn’t.

The doctor would hold up her limp arm, position her hand over her head and let go. If she was truly unconscious, her hand would hit her in the face. Somehow, every time he let go of her hand, it would swerve at the last minute and miss her face.

In an effort to rouse her, the doctor loudly asked me to go and get ‘the biggest needle you can find’. When I returned, he asked me if I’d ever taken blood before. I replied that I had not. He said that as Miss X was unconscious, this would be an excellent opportunity for me to have some one-on-one teaching on the subject. He also said that this would ordinarily be extremely painful for someone with such a large needle being used.

Unfortunately, she ‘woke up’ at that point, so I didn’t get to learn how to take blood.”