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abzanascendancy · 6 years

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In Today’s* Magic Story...

*And by “Today’s Magic Story,” I mean the novella they released and I’m still going through.

Children of the Nameless Chapters 5 & 6

Still no Ravnica story as of yet, so we’re gonna have another round of Children of the Nameless! Things have started to pick up with a colorful cast of characters, and while I’d like new stories, I’m more than thrilled to return to this one!

Previously, on Children of the Nameless...

Girl sings her way into Dracula’s Manor. Belmonts stunned that they didn’t have to go through the front door, nor through the maze-like interior.

Girl ruins perfectly good shirt, one of 38. And yes that’s not 37, because after that shirt was ruined there were 37 others. See? I do keep track of things!

Man of the Manor less interested than attempted murder, more concerned about wardrobes, lack of tea, and a mysterious Entity in the back of his head. Metaphorically.

Man of the Manor proved innocent in murdering an entire village! Other crimes such as being a diabolist connoisseur are yet to be prosecuted.

Chapter Five: Tacenda

I know this chapter belongs to Tacenda, but already Davriel has stolen the scene. A dishwater-smelling angry man. Beautiful!

Ooh, a glowing light! In... a mason jar. That’s really anticlimactic.

Riddles? Well now I’m just going to imagine Brerig as Gollum. With wings!

At least he had the foresight to put a metal plate at the bottom. It’s a common mistake with severed heads not to cover the neck, everything starts to drip out...

He just screws the head onto the jar. Yes.

Tired of having a necromancer with decades of baggage, and prior demonic obligations, interrogating your dead? Just get Talking Heads! Just screw the captured soul into it, and voila! You can interrogate that sucker all night long! And if you order now, we’ll throw in some mason jars to keep those souls in! Just pay separate processing and handling!

Excuse you, Tacenda. He’s a diabolist connoisseur. That’d be like calling someone a cook when they’re really a sous chef.

“Necromancy is a fool’s art, practiced by failed butchers who think they’re being clever just because they -- brilliantly -- notice that sometimes corpses don’t stay dead.” -- Davriel, Diabolist Connoisseur

My god this man oozes so much pretentious class I love him!

Also, you heard it here first: Liliana’s a failed butcher. Though after what she did to Razaketh--

Davriel’s not wrong, necromancy has a hell of an upkeep. You have to recast the spell that raised the dead every 24 hours, so you have fewer spell slots overall.

What is this green potion that can create talking heads via other people’s souls?

Also, I just realized this, but we need more potions in Magic. Give us a good ol’ fashioned alchemist planeswalker!

That’s an improvement? He must’ve been really ugly then. That, or he isn’t trying to kill Davriel anymore, which I think we can all agree is an improvement.

He even tried to murder Davriel while he slept! No honor...

Just to up that horror factor, we now learn the whisperers came during the day. On Innistrad. That takes some dedication!

I think Davriel is being sarcastic here, but I can just as easily imagine him being completely serious. Just delivering this line deadpan just to see her reaction.

This is the second mention of the prioress, and apparently Davriel doesn’t like her...

I can see the look of exasperation on Davriel’s face. Imagine if someone sensible found out some peasants burned a witch because she weighed the same as a duck, because ducks float like wood, because wood burns, as witches are made of wood. That’s him, finding out that illogical process and assumptions made!

“Hellfire,” he muttered. “Someone’s been imitating me.” “A difficult task,” Miss Highwater said. “Think of the sheer number of naps they’d have to take.”

Another nomination for Best Owns and Burns! Or Masterclass of Sass, I can’t decide.

Someone’s been imitating Davriel’s Corvo cosplay! :O

Davriel reminding others to do his work reminds me of the flavortext from the archenemy card Your Fate is Thrice Sealed. "I can't abide laziness. Arise, forces of nature, and serve your master!"

“I can’t have someone imitating me. Miss Highwater, send Crunchgnar and, say, Verminal to look into who might have done this. And see if we can get more peasants.” -- Davriel, Doer of Nothing.

“Hello, I would like to order some peasants. No, not order around some peasants: I need new ones.” -- Davriel, probably.

To be fair, Tacenda is doing the right thing by freeing... what was his name... Jagreth, that was it -- by freeing Jagreth’s soul. Davriel probably wouldn’t have gotten to it.

Oh, now this is interesting. His soul is twisted and then turns on Davriel. Maybe Jagreth was meant to die, and his soul would carry out his mission...

Also this can’t be Emrakul: she can’t affect spirits. At least that was the whole point of Thalia’s army being possessed.

And now his rug and bookcase are ruined! This just isn’t Davriel’s day...

AND THE RUG MAKERS LIVED IN TACENDA’S VILLAGE. OH THE IRONY!

Who was this pyromancer? We don’t know if the leeching process is fatal or not, but if it isn’t... the worthy candidate is JAYA MOTHERF*CKING BALLARD!!!

Why does Davriel fear The Bog?

Oh? Davriel can actually bring them back to life? Of course! Why not! He’s Davriel F*cking Cane! I need to make it through the rest of the story first, but he’s well on his way for a nomination for the Dovin F*cking Baan award!

This song really doesn’t like demons. But not Davriel F*cking Cane, oh no. He don’t give a sh*t.

“You have to help them,” she said. “You are their lord.” Davriel shrugged. “If you don’t,” Tacenda said. “I will... I...” “I’m amused to hear this threat.” “I will see that you never get to take another nap.” “You’ll find that I...” He trailed off. “What?”

TACENDA YOU SLY LITTLE SHIT!!!

THAT right there is an instant nomination for the Dovin F*cking Baan award!

And just read this whole passage yourselves! She gets into it! She goes after his f*cking wig!

“You make a strangely persuasive argument, child.” He sighed.

Part Two

Oh shit we at Part Two already. Dang.

Chapter Six: Davriel

He’s still worried about that Bog...

Even the Entity is afraid of the Bog...

You think people avoided it now, wait ‘til they hear about the Eldrazi in the moon!

A priest saw this, hmm? I’m starting to think the prioress did it...

And if her sister wasn’t frightened, and she was training to be a Cathar, she might’ve been in on it...

And that would explain why the whisperers ignored the song -- because they were human.

And you’re probably sitting there, having read all this, and are shouting who’s really behind this at me. Please don’t spoil it! I’m loving this story so far!

Having said all that, despite a blessed sleep, the Bog still gets more offerings...

Oh sh*t he has a whole retinue of demons with him...

Davriel Cane isn’t even his real name...

Is Vex a plane? Oh I hope it’s a plane!

Of course Davriel F*cking Cane has a sword cane with him. He’s Davriel F*cking Cane.

Um, there are geistcallers in Innistrad. Though a diabolist connoisseur would just group them in with common necromancers.

So if Davriel dies early, the demons don’t get his soul...? I mean yeah, it pays to let him live, but still...

Also being a Planeswalker don’t mean sh*t. Just ask Liliana. ... What, too soon?

Aw, that’s so sweet, Brerig! He’s looking for tea!

We had mention of Avacyn’s fallen sister before. I wonder if her body is in The Bog...

Ah, the stench of the Bog Davriel mentioned earlier! The reason he didn’t take her singing!

Also, important worldbuilding tip, demons can tell if someone’s soul is already claimed by another demon.

“It’s not a cult, This is just... the way things are.” -- Tacenda.

I think this is worthy of a Non Sequitur award. It’s just standout-ish that’s all.

Ah, there’s the Entity! And it was stolen from a dying man...

There’s your word of the day, mundanity

Ah, this takes place after SOI! I mean I figured it did, but it’s always nice to get confirmation in-story.

“The symbol?” Tacenda said. “The enormous rune etched into its surface?”

The Gatewatch: Graffiti Artists.

“Someday, I will discover his secrets as he screams for mercy, his soul burning in my hearth deep within hell. Then, I will devour his soul.” “And I shall endeavor to give you indigestion, Crunchgnar...”

Davriel don’t give a damn.

And apparently the demons don’t give a damn as they enter the church...

That’s all for today! A couple chapters at a time seems like a good pace for now. If things pick up or slow down, I might do a few less or more, depending. Our protagonists (Davriel & co. hardly count as heroes) are ‘persuaded’ to investigate the mystery of the whispering soul-snatchers! From the Bog to the Prioress, mysteries abound...

But! Who did Davriel steal that pryomancy from? Are Gutmorn and Yledris actually siblings? Can Miss Highwater take notes for the entire class? Will Tacenda’s singing help in finding the culprit? Who’s behind the Bog? Who’s behind the Entity? What other effects did Emrakul and the Gatewatch have on Innistrad?

And will Brerig find some goddamn tea???

Stay tuned!

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