#had to vote for house of the rising sun for sentimental reasons but i also enjoy some others

[alexsmitposts]

Why is this Ongoing American “Revolution” Bound to Fail? Observed from outer space, the United States is in a revolutionary turmoil. Fires are burning, thousands of people are confronting police and other security forces. There are barricades, banners, posters, and there is rage. Rage is well justified. Grievances run deep, through the veins of a confused and socially insecure population, in both cities and the countryside. Minorities feel and actually are oppressed. Indeed they have been disgracefully oppressed, since the birth of the country, over two centuries ago (see my latest report carried by this magazine). There are some correct words uttered and written; many appropriate sentiments are expressed. And yet, and yet… It looks like a revolution, it feels like a revolution, but it is not a revolution. It definitely is not! Why? *** An expert on Communist China, a man who spent many years living and writing books about the most populous country on Earth, Jeff Brown, recently voiced something that immediately caught my attention. He described, accurately, on his China Rising Radio Sinoland, what has been taking place in his native country, United States: “Protests in the USA, land of Marlboro Man will come to nothing because there is no solidarity, no vision, nor guiding ideology to unite the people in the common struggle against the 1%. Just ask the Black Panthers and Mao Zedong.” This is precisely when ‘guiding ideology’ is desperately needed! But it is nowhere to be found. For years and decades, the US (and European) elites and their mass media, as well as their educational plus ‘entertainment’ outlets, have been systematically de-politicizing the brains of their citizens. Pornography, consumerism, and sitcoms instead of deep, philosophical books and films. Massive – often booze and sex-oriented – travel, instead of roaming the world in search of knowledge, answers, while building bridges between different cultures (even between those of victims and victimizers). Results are increasingly evident. Citizens in the Western countries were told that the ideologies, particularly the left ones, became “something that belongs to the past,” “something heavy,” unattractive, and definitely not ‘cool.’ Western masses accepted it easily, without realizing that without the left-wing ideologies, there can be no change, no revolution, and no organized opposition to the regime, which has been plundering the world for several hundreds of years. They were told that Democrats are representing left-wing, and Republicans, right-wing. Deep inside, many felt it is rubbish. There is only one right-wing political party in the US – Democrat-Republican one. But it was better for the great majority just to ignore its own instincts and swim with the flow. *** It went so far that most of the people in North America and Europe reached the point when they were not even able to commit themselves to almost anything, anymore, from the Communist movements to marriages and relationships. I recently described this occurrence in my book “Revolutionary Optimism, Western Nihilism.” There are many explanations for this. One of them: regime created society built on extreme individualism, selfishness, and shallow perception of the world. To organize, to commit, actually requires at least some discipline, effort, and definitely great dedicated effort to learn (about the world, a person, or a movement) and to work hard for a better world. It is not easy to become a revolutionary when one is positioned on a couch, or a gym, or while banging for hours every day into a smartphone. The results are sad. Anarchism, consisting of countless fragmented approaches, is increasingly popular, but it will definitely not change the country. When leaders of the ‘revolutionary commune’ in Seattle were approached by sympathetic journalists and asked about their goals, they could not answer. These were, undoubtfully, people with good intentions, outraged by racism, and by the killing of innocent people. But do they have plans, strategy, an organization to overthrow the system which is literally choking billions of lives on all continents? Definitely not! On June 11, 2020, RT filed a report about the situation in Seattle: “A few different organizations have different demands, and no one speaks for everyone, but everyone’s trying to get together,” Simone clarified, implying that the much-discussed list of “demands” that have circulated for the past few days don’t represent the wishes of the entire community. However, there are a few lines of commonality running through the settlement. “Everyone’s upset. We all came here in unity, just over the fact that cops need accountability,” he said, declaring that his decision to join the demonstration was about “trying to send a message and get accountability held.” “Now we’re here – let’s get the dialogue going,” Simone continued, unwilling to commit to taking over other precincts, expanding the Zone, or any of the ambitious demands made by others in the group.” *** Russian Bolsheviks had it clear, and the same could be said about their followers. Before the 1917 Great October Socialist Revolution, they spent years and decades educating people all over their vast country. Some of the greatest thinkers and writers, including novelist Maxim Gorky and poet Vladimir Mayakovski, were participating in the “project.” Even simple peasants were easily grasping the reality of their dismal existence while getting inspired by some of the greatest minds of their nation. If not for the Cold War and West’s brutal interference, the Soviet Union would survive and thrive until this day. The same could be said about the great revolutionary struggles of China, Vietnam, Laos, Cuba, Venezuela, where hundreds of millions of tremendous works of philosophy, fiction and poetry have been distributed, for free, to both peasants and workers, who easily understood and got inspired by them. In China, in the 1930s, the entire so-called “Shanghai School of Cinema” was born, a true socialist-realism movement that helped to educate the Chinese public about the state in which it was forced to exist. Big and successful revolutions were constructed and then supported by the educated urban and rural poor, who were awaken and consequently outraged by their position in the society. *** The rebellion in the United States is strategically shallow. There are no great leaders, no cultural figures leading it, no extraordinary educators. Without any doubt, there are clear reasons for rage and resistance. Racism is one tremendous one. And, there are other ones: US society, in general, is tired as it is depressed. As it is confused. The country is robbing, literally looting the entire Planet. It tortures people in various countries. Rainforests are burning in Indonesia, Brazil, and Congo to satisfy demands for more palm oil and other raw materials. US citizens are consuming as no other nation under the sun does. They entertain themselves, often living frivolous, empty lives. And yet, almost no one seems to be happy there; no one satisfied. People know something went essentially wrong, but they are not sure precisely what it is. Or, who should really be blamed? There is an acute lack of solidarity. And everything is happening impromptu. Are the ‘members of the majority’ in the US truly kneeling because they are in unison with the oppressed minorities and the brutalized non-Western world? Or are they “trying to save their own skin,” and at the end, keep the status quo intact, as has happened in Australia and their basically insincere “We Are Sorry!” 2008 movement? There’s no strong “front,” there is no revolutionary program. It appears that the country is not ready, not prepared, for a huge job of re-defining itself. Insecurity is due to the lack of free medical care, education, and subsidized housing. Most of the people are in debt. Depression is, at least partially, due to overconsumption of intellectual and emotional junk. There is plenty of fundamentalist religions, but almost no discussion about how to improve life in this world. Segregated, atomized, and otherwise, fragmented society seems to be unable to give birth to a truly compassionate, egalitarian national project. Many US citizens see themselves as “victims.” Ethnic minorities definitely are. Are the others, too? Who is the victim, and who is the perpetrator? On which side of the scales sits a regular middle-class family, compliant and, by global comparison, heavily indulged in overconsumption? So far, there is no open discussion on this topic. In fact, it is being avoided by all means. There seems to be at least some consensus that 1% of the richest is to blame, as well as the entire corporate and political system, and also banks. But what about the majority; those individuals who keep voting the system, those who are making sure to ignore imperialism, racism, inequality? Many questions should be asked, particularly now, but they are not. The very uncomfortable questions they are. But without asking them, without searching for honest answers, there is no way forward, and no true revolution possible. The neo-liberal system created entire nations that cannot think independently and creatively. US is definitely one of them. People were bombarded with propaganda slogans that they are free, enjoying liberties. But when the day to act arrived, there has been nothing substantial in terms of new, revolutionary ideas. Just one enormous void. Nothing that could inspire the nation and the world. The outrage over the brutal police killing propelled millions of people to the streets. The mood has been truly rebellious, revolutionary, geared for big changes. But then, nothing! Revolution is being postponed. Postponed for how many years? The truth is – there are no shortcuts. Those who sincerely want to change the United States will have to follow the revolutionary formula from other countries. The formula is mainly based on education, knowledge, and determined, selfless work for the country and the world, called “internationalism.” Unless the US comes up with an absolutely new strategy, formula, but right now, frankly, it seems to be extremely far from coming up with it!

[thekelleyofalexandria-blog]

Tragedy

CW: Mass shooting, language

The rain fell in a steady mist on an October Saturday. My husband and I were driving to a friend’s baby shower and listening to My Brother, My Brother, and Me, our favorite podcast. I absentmindedly checked my phone (Zak was driving) and saw what would be the first of a steady stream of posts about an anti-Semitic shooter who killed 11 people as they worshipped in The Tree of Life synagogue in Squirrel Hill, Pittsburgh.

My brain screeched, and my stomach dropped.

PITTSBURGH.

More people killed as they practiced their faith.

SQUIRREL HILL.

Another mass shooting. Another hate crime.

FUCK NO, not my city, not my friends, not the street I walked by a hundred happy times, NOT THESE PEOPLE, NOT HERE.

Part of me feels like I have no business writing anything about this. I moved away from Pittsburgh after finishing undergrad, and although my dream is to get a house in Squirrel Hill or Shadyside someday, that future is still years away. I’m also not Jewish, and I can’t know how this feels for that community right now. Writing about having Jewish friends or living in Pittsburgh feels so fucking futile. I’m adjacent, rather than directly, affected.

The flip side of that is that I have Jewish friends that I love. I have Pittsburgh, the city I still love the most. And I have a lot of thoughts crawling up the insides of my skull, so maybe writing will give them a space to exist in a healthy way.

ANGER

THIS is why I got into a tearful shouting match with a friend of a friend the weekend that Charlottesville happened. She was defending making nice with the “Unite the Right” marchers, not alienating them, listening to their point of view. And of course, “they have the right to free speech, too.” How was it suddenly a bad thing to wholeheartedly condemn any ideology that comes at the cost of a group of people? How were my extended family defending the existence of Neo-Zazis? How was the president of the United States in 2017 claiming that there were “very fine people on both sides?” By not speaking out explicitly, you imply that these genocidal ideologies are permissible. Maybe you didn’t plant the seeds, but you have created the soil conditions for hate to grow instead of uprooting every weed.  

This is also why I get – pardon the term – so up in arms about the sale of automatic weapons too. Zak commented that it was crazy the gunman was able to shoot so many people, including four policemen, so fast. Hunting guns don’t do that. Guns created to mow down as many humans as possible do.

It seems an obvious equation to me. Hate speech + guns that shoot a lot of people quickly = deadly hate crimes. And to people who claim there’s nothing we can do, I claim bullshit. Vote for sensible gun control; firmly denounce anything that even whiffs of white supremacy; protect minority groups with your vote and voice and body; and fiercely love your neighbor – ESPECIALLY the ones who look and worship and love differently than you – as yourself. This is what we can do, especially the white Christian majority right now.

And God help me the next time I hear someone claim the Christian faith is “under attack” in this country. I have no patience for it right now.

GRIEF

There aren’t really a lot of words for this one. Just something in my soul that makes sort of a guttural scream to the heavens. I’ve taught Night by Elie Wiesel, made lessons to introduce teenagers to the Holocaust, graded papers about how dehumanizing people leads to racial violence. One of the victims was alive during World War II and just…to be reminded that hate can never really be defeated. It’s extremely discouraging.

And the grief over hate crimes and mass shooting is compounding in me. There’s a line from “The Green Fields of France,” an Irish anti-war ballad, that’s been playing in my head: “For young Willy McBride, it will happen again. And again. And Again.” Although in this situation, the victims were not of traditional war but still of needless and hateful violence, and they were parents and grandparents rather than kids, the sentiment echoes a deepening sadness and despair about the frequency of hate crimes and mass shootings in this country.

LOVE

The reason I fell in love with Pittsburgh and the people there is because of the many communities shaped the city. When I was 18, I had basically only known one type of people my whole life up to that point, and I wanted to meet as many different people as I could and learn about what mattered to them and what their life was like. My curiosity was met with kindness and honesty, in particular from Jewish friends and professors.

There were a lot of memories brought up this weekend – how comfortable I always felt with the guys from the Jewish fraternity on campus, how I’d have these long talks in the office of my favorite professor about how his cultural history informed his theatre practices, how much I enjoyed chatting about faith with both religiously practicing Jewish friends and culturally Jewish friends. I haven’t kept in good touch with a lot of the people I knew in undergrad, but I’ve been thinking about one friend who I still talk to regularly. Back in college, she didn’t seem to be an especially religious person, but she invited me to her synagogue a few times. It wasn’t the Tree of Life, but it was a 5 minute drive away from Squirrel Hill.  After the services, I remember feeling gratitude, and peace, and appreciation to be included. All of these memories seem consistent with the work Tree of Life is doing in their community that incited such hate – bringing people in, helping refugees, educating, feeding, LOVING.

And even now, that love has begotten love: Muslims have raised more than $100,000 for Tree of Life. Several headlines are making the connection to this tragedy occurring in Mr. Roger’s neighborhood, with his famous quote: “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” There are people helping, and loving, and it gives me hope for the future. I feel powerless to help the people and city I love, which is a legitimate feeling, but it’s also not true. My vote, my voice, my time, my relationships, my ears, my brain, my heart – all of these things that we all have been given are things we can use to help.

Because I’m me, and somewhere along the way Lord of the Rings kind of became my religion (that’s a joke, but also sort of truuuuuue), I’ve been thinking about the scene in Helm’s Deep at the end of The Two Towers. It’s right before Sam’s famous speech, and before Gandalf charges down to save the day. It’s actually when Theoden King is at the height of his despair. “What can men do against such reckless hate?” he demands. And Aragorn tells him: “Ride out with me.” That exchange starts some of my favorite orchestration from all the movies and builds to the epic cavalry charge down the mountain as the sun rises.

I know real life doesn’t always have satisfying conclusions like that, and there’s not really any satisfying conclusion you can make in writing when shit like this happens. The grief and anger aren’t going away, but for myself, I need something to combat the hopelessness right now. So I’m reminding myself that I can ride out every day, meet the forces of hate head-on wherever I can, and make this an hour where we draw swords together.

[briefcommaqueer]

Ep 8: “through science to justice,” Magnus Hirschfeld, Weimar Germany, and the Nazis

Hi everyone, today’s video is going to be a little longer than usual because I’m trying to fit in a whole bunch of things, like the first gay rights group, the flourishing of a gay subculture in Germany in the early 20th century, and the persecution of LGBT folks during World War II. It’s a lot, and I’m going to try and serve the totality of it as best I can, but this is just a brief overview. I wanted to keep these things together because I think each part of this story informs the ones around it. [Just FYI, my German pronunciation is terrible, but I’m going to give it my best shot.] In 1897 a group of people in Berlin formed the Wissenshaftlich-humanitäres Komittee [or the Scientific Humanitarian Committee] to lobby against anti-gay laws in Germany, including Paragraph 175 of the Criminal Code, which outlawed sex between men. Led by the sexologist Magnus Hirschfeld, the committee was the first gay rights group in the world. Coming a generation or so after the coining of the word “homosexuality,” and the work of the first gay rights activists like Karl Ulrichs and Karl Maria Kertbeny (see episode one for details), Hirschfeld was at the vanguard of those using the most up-to-date science to fight against societal and legal attitudes that treated homosexuality as deviant and criminal. He wasn’t alone in this, but he was probably the most prominent scientist working on these issues at the time. In fact, he was sometimes promoted as the “Einstein of sex.” Hirschfeld was the Scientific Humanitarian Committee’s first chair, and the committee was emblematic of his motto: “through science to justice.” Like Ulrichs and Kertbeny before him, argued that sexuality was an innate trait rather than a chosen one, and by this reasoning it was cruel and pointless to criminalize same-sex activity. To give you an idea of the kind of things that he did with the committee Dr. Hirschfeld often served as an expert witness for the trials of men charged under Paragraph 175, arguing for leniency in the courts. In doing so, he often succeeded in getting the sentences reduced for his client. For his part Max Spohr, One of Hirschfeld’s partners in the committee, involved himself in the activist push by publishing sexological studies and popular gay literature. With titles like Die Transvestiten (or The Transvestites), these books spread the committee’s ideals across Europe. Germany was uniquely suited to this tactic, given that censorship laws at the time were fairly liberal. Despite this leniency, Spohr and other publishers occasionally came into conflict with the government, such as when he published homosexual and anarchist Adolf Brand’s literary journal Der Eigene, which had explicitly gay content. This and other propaganda from the committee turned sentiment among many of Germany’s elite against anti-gay laws. Many of the texts published by Spohr’s press included both academic journals and longer scientific papers from Magnus Hirschfeld. Dr. Hirschfeld founded an institute in 1919 to further work in the field of sexology, or the study of human sexual behavior. Hirschfeld’s Institute for Sexual Science (Institut für Sexualwissenschaft) occupied a large building in Central Berlin, where Germans could go for help with a number of sexually-related issues, from birth control to gender transition services, and which housed a museum devoted to human sexuality. Under Hirschfeld, the committee also circulated a petition among elites to urge the government under Kaiser Wilhelm II to repeal the anti-sodomy law. This petition even made it to the floor of the Reichstag (or the parliament) in 1898, though the statute was not overturned. The committee and other rights groups continued pushing this agenda even after the Wilhelmine government gave way to the Weimar Republic after WWI. A vote in 1929 promised to reform the law (activists called the reform “one step forward and two steps back), though this too fell through. Hirschfeld resigned his chairmanship that same year following this last attempt. So, what was gay life like in Germany at this time? Around the turn of the 19th century, police in Berlin began an informal policy of monitoring but not raiding establishments that catered to homosexuals. This allowed a gay nightlife to flourish in the city. By the end of the 1920s, Berlin was well known throughout Europe as a center of homosexual life, especially for those who were well off. Clubs and bars that served gay clientele and featured cross-dressing entertainers were even established enough to warrant guided tours. It wasn’t all wine and roses, however. Despite relative freedom, homosexuality was still a punishable offense, and thousands ended up in prison as a result of Paragraph 175. Moreover, the Berlin police position of non-intervention didn’t really extend to the rest of Germany. The openness of Berlin’s attitude towards homosexuality was always tenuous at best, and relied upon a fairly liberal society. After the Great Depression hit, and the collapse of the German economy on top of crippling reparations imposed by the victors of WWI, the previous open conditions gave way. By the time the National Socialists (or the Nazis) seized power, an atmosphere of fear, anxiety, and plain old xenophobia had made it much easier for those in power to scapegoat marginalized groups within Germany. Despite the previous promise of the reform movement, Paragraph 175 continued into the Third Reich. After seizing power, the Nazis began campaigns against those they deemed “degenerate,” and much like leftists, Jews, persons with disabilities, and Romany, thousands of homosexuals were sent to concentration camps. These prisoners wore a pink badge in the shape of a triangle, marking their crime as homosexuality. This pink triangle was revived as a symbol by gay rights groups later in the century, most notably by ACT UP during the AIDS crisis in the 1980s. Gay prisoners went through the same torture, privation, and cruelty as others in the camps. By the end of World War II, only about 40% of those who had been sent to concentration camps because of their sexuality had survived. And yet for many, even liberation came with a cost. Both governments in divided Germany maintained anti-sodomy laws on their books well after the war, and even re-imprisoned those who had been released. East Germany made amendments to the law beginning in the 1950s, and overturned it in the 80s. West Germany amended their law in the 1960s, though full repeal didn’t occur until after reunification in the 1990s. As for Magnus Hirschfeld, he was away on a speaking tour when the Nazi party took power. He never returned to Germany, and died in exile in 1935. The Nazis sacked his institute in May 1933, destroying the sexological museum and burning the institute library, including Hirschfeld’s research and the research of his colleagues. Being a Jew, and a reported homosexual, as well as a liberal sexologist, Hirschfeld was a powerful symbol for them to attack, and it was unlikely he would have survived returning to his country. You’ll notice that women are excluded from this narrative thread. In large part, it’s because Paragraph 175 only criminalized same-sex activity between men, and because the scope of Nazi repression of lesbians was substantially different, tending towards circumscribing the role of women as mothers and wives rather than by outright imprisonment. Hirschfeld, for his part, welcomed women into the Scientific Humanitarian Committee, and worked on feminist issues of the time like decriminalizing abortion. Others in the same movement, like Adolf Brand, tended towards dismissing women and lionized masculinity as the greatest ideal as part of the männerbund (or the male association) movement. Now, I don’t know how many you have run across the idea of Nazis as being gay, but it is something I’ve witnessed personally. To be sure, some of the earliest Nazi leaders, like head of the Brownshirts Ernst Röhm, were gay, but the power of these leaders within the Nazi government was short-lived. Röhm himself one of many assassinated in 1934 during the Night of the Long Knives. There is no doubt in my mind that the Nazis were virulently homophobic, and that’s where I’ll leave that idea. Just one last point, although this video is already quite full. Hirschfeld’s approach, and the approach of the committee, necessarily left out a lot of people who were adversely affected by anti-gay laws, primarily the working class and sex workers, although those are often one and the same. For this and other reasons the movement as a whole broke down along ideological and class lines, and it’s possible that effectiveness suffered as a result. It’s taken me a while to figure out how to approach this episode, because I see real parallels between what I’m discussing here and what our landscape looks like today in the US. That being said, I don’t want to give the impression that I think the election of Donald Trump is exactly analogous as the rise of Nazism in Germany. There are, however, a lot of troubling similarities, and I’m not holding out hope that things will get better soon for marginalized people in the US. I’m passionate about history because there’s nothing new under the sun. What I’ve been trying to do throughout this series, whether consciously or unconsciously, has been to illustrate the strategies and tactics by which people have tried to foment change. Sometimes, like in our first episode, it’s by defining the issue, by giving us vocabulary to talk about it. Sometimes it’s through spontaneous (and physical) resistance, like with Compton’s cafeteria in episode 6. Occasionally it happens within the system; more often it comes from outside. Change doesn’t always stick, and it’s never easy. Progress doesn’t always win, and that kind of sucks. So what can we do? We can pay up for people whose work has helped us out. With money if you can, by signal boosting if you can’t. Support your local library. I wouldn’t have access to most of the materials I’ve used in this series if it weren’t for the library. There’s a million things to do, they’re just a search away. There’s so much more out there than I’ve managed to fit in this video, so don’t just take my word for it. Take a look at the resources in the description, and there’s a link to the transcript as well. You can follow me on Twitter, you can follow the show on Tumblr, and don’t forget to subscribe. See you next time. So what can we do? We can pay up for people whose work has helped us out. With money if you can, by signal boosting if you can’t. Support your local library. I wouldn’t have access to most of the materials I’ve used in this series if it weren’t for the library. There’s a million things to do, they’re just a search away. There’s so much more out there than I’ve managed to fit in this video, so don’t just take my word for it. Take a look at the resources in the description, and there’s a link to the transcript as well. You can follow me on Twitter, you can follow the show on Tumblr, and don’t forget to subscribe. See you next time.

Watch: https://briefcommaqueer.tumblr.com/post/159316183370/resources

[fictionerd]

Chapter Two: Awake - Entry #2

“This isn’t a reward. It’s a responsibility.” - Rose

---Last Seed, 31st, 4E 201--- My first day as a human and I've already become a Thane of Morthal. I gave thought to purchasing a parcel of land in the hold, but swiftly discovered just how expensive that would be. I think that's a long-term sort of goal.

I still need to decide whether to kill Lurbuk or not. On the one hand: I consider myself a professional. I may hurt that reputation of I fail to complete an accepted contract. Apparently so many people want this fellow dead that Astrid had to hold a lottery to decide who paid the fee.

On the other hand: I heard him play and he doesn't sound THAT bad. What could he have possibly done to warrant so much animosity? I've seen what the people of Morthal are like. The way they treated Falion was a good example

When in doubt: Put it off. I picked up a strange glowing crystal in Movarth's lair. A voice asked me to return it to Mount Kilkreath. That's nearby, so why not? Besides, the longer I stay in the field the longer Astrid has to cool her head.

>Ah, Meridia. Daedric Prince of Life. Suddenly I'm glad that I got cured before attempting this. As I understand it she's not too keen on the undead.

>Guide Meridia's light through the temple. Kill Necromancer. Claim Dawnbreaker.

Consider it done oh Fallen Star.

---Heartfire, 1st, 4E 201--- A new month is upon us. I write from Dragon Bridge. Malkoran was a tough nut. I managed to sneak past his ghostly soldiers and give him a steel (well silver I guess) kiss, but he popped back up as some sort of wraith himself. Took a few more whacks to get him to go down for good. My reward: Dawnbreaker. A legendary single-sword that burns away the undead. Daedric Artifact of Meridia.

Now, I'm not one for single-handed swords. So imagine my surprise when, upon grasping the hilt of the weapon, it grew into a nice, big greatsword just for me.

Divines I love artifact weapons, and this is the first one I've ever had! Might need to work on the whole "glowing crossguard" thing while sneaking. Then again for all I know it won't be noticeable when I don't want it to be.

>The strangest thing just happened. I went back to Morthal and was sitting in the tavern. I was mulling over the Lurbuk dilemma when the orc just snapped and started attacking the innkeeper! I valiantly leapt to her assisstance, unfortunately we just couldn't get the big guy to calm down. He fought to the death and we had no choice but to do the same. I wonder if there were any warning signs that he might do such a thing.

Now if only there was a way to write a wink.

>I know it was meant as a noble sentiment, but when Lani said to me "May you die with a sword in your hands" just now I got the strangest chill down my spine. Really that's the sort of statement that could easily be taken as a curse. Though if I had to choose how I'd die it WOULD be a close call between that and "Of old age in a house surrounded by mementos of my adventures"

>I wonder how the Sanctuary will react to me being human again? They didn't seem to notice that I was a vampire before. Maybe they just won't say anything or care.

>Well if Nazir is anything to go by they didn't notice at all that I was a vampire. When I reported Hern dead he made a comment about "contracting Sanguinare Vampiris". If he'd realized I was a vampire when I joined he'd have known that was impossible. Also he'd definitely have noticed that I'd come back human. I can hear it now.

"So when a Vampire bites another vampire they turn human? That's a neat trick."

Update on the Astrid situation: She's decided it's a good idea to follow the advice of the Brotherhood's founder and supernatural ally. I mean that must have been a difficult conclusion to arrive at. I can just see how she'd need all this time to weigh the pros and cons of accepting assistance from a higher power. (Or I guess lower power perhaps?)

>Notes on Volunruud job:

Nazir: Reminded me that "Astrid is my mistress" and "not the Night Mother". Astrid didn't give me my memories back. Astrid isn't treating this Sanctuary like a family. Astrid is striking me as a threatened politician desperately trying to cling to power.

Festus: Jealous of my being chosen as Listener. I'd tell him it's because of my history, but I'm not ready to take that leap yet. For all I know Bellamont is still a taboo name in the Brotherhood regardless. He also suggested I prepare for Draugr since I'll be entering an old crypt. Decent advice. I'm serious. You'd think that was unhelpful and obvious, but how often is the obvious overlooked?

Gabriella: Astrid is right to fear my power. Was that a subtle vote of support? That's almost sweet. I'll commit to being touched when I'm sure I've removed all the sharp objects from that bit of sweetmeat.

Babette: Commented that the man I'm meant to speak with, Motierre, bears the name of an old and powerful Breton family well established in Cyrodiil. I'm honestly surprised I didn't recognize it before. I'll need to see if I can recall hearing that name in my past.

Arnbjorn: He's an angry puppy. If he's not careful I might just have to get ruff with him. Though I don't know. He might enjoy it. Astrid seems like the type.

Veezara: Is convinced that Astrid is committed to her "Family" in the Sanctuary. It really doesn't seem that way to me. These people feel less like a family and more like acquaintances. Could this be what the Dark Brotherhood of old was really like? No, I don't think Mother would lie like that. She spoke fondly of her brothers and sisters. On top of that I saw her interact with them. This is not the Brotherhood she was a part of.

>Alright planning time:

Volunruud is roughly to the north of Whiterun which means I'll be heading through the city without a doubt. While I'm here in the south, though, I believe I'll head through Helgen to Orphan Rock and retrieve Nettlebane for Danica. May as well get done as much with one excursion as possible, and I'm sure the Night Mother would have informed me of any time limit. So I'll set my own pace.

I remember hearing some rumors of Imperial activity around Helgen too. Perhaps I'll be able to find out more about this Civil War from the Empire's side of things.

>I arrived at Helgen to find the place completely destroyed. A dragon (yes I'm serious) lifted up from the wreckage of the town and flew off to the north.

Well I'll certainly have a story to tell when I make my way to Whiterun.

>I have acquired Nettlebane. That was a bit tougher than I thought it'd be. I need to learn when to use my Fury and Fear spells. If they're spread out: Fear. If they're bunched up: Fury. That way I can more easily manipulate the battlefield to my advantage.

Oh! and when all else fails: Calm

---Heartfire, 2nd, 4E 201--- Sleeping at night and rising with the sun. Well before it in this case. It's strange how quickly I've acclimated to this. Though now that I think about it I've always been able to sleep wherever and whenever I wanted. I'd play hide-and-seek with mother and on a particularly good day for me she'd find me hours later asleep in some high-up spot out of sight.

It's so good to be able to remember these things again. I feel whole. It's nice.

Nostalgia aside: Today I head to Whiterun from Riverwood once more. I informed the town about the dragon and a few of the townsfolk confirmed my sighting. I've been asked to report this to Jarl Balgruuf. SO I'll be stopping by Dragon's Reach before visiting Danica with Nettlebane.

>Report went well. The Jarl was grateful for my assistance. So grateful in fact that he tasked me with helping his Court Wizard retrieve information about the dragons. Add that to the list of things I need to do at some point. First and foremost though: Danica and Volunruud.

>I've picked up a tagalong from the Temple of Kynareth. A pilgrim who came to see the Gildergreen and was disappointed by its current state. When Danica asked me to go to the Eldergleam sanctuary to retrieve the sap for her this fellow asked to come along. Personally I see no reason not to have him join me. We'll catch a carriage to Mixwater Mill and then head into the volcanic tundra toward the Eldergleam from there.

>Incredible. I've witnessed the power of faith in the Divines first hand. Maurice was taken aback when I began using Nettlebane to clear a path to the Eldergleam. When I explained what I intended he was apalled, but suggested there might be a better alternative. Instead of tapping the tree for its sap I allowed Maurice ot do his thing. The tree actually sprung a sapling from the ground at its base for me to take back to Danica!

This is a rare treasure. I will have to be cautious in my return. Fortunately I had the carriage driver agree to wait for us at Mixwater.

>Danica was at first disappointed, but after conveying Maurice's message "The beauty of nature is in Renewal, not maintenance" she came around. I wonder if there's anything in this world I could have that kind of faith in. Actually there's one thing I can think of: Mother. Not "The Night Mother" but my mother. Luna Morandi the Listener, mother, teacher, goddess as far as I was concerned growing up. I believe in her. Even after the events of that night I still trust in her now that my memories have returned. She must have had a good reason to place me where I am. I hope that I live up to her expectations.

On that note: Screw sleeping tonight. I'm heading to Volunruud in full Brotherhood regalia.

>Well, here I am. Volunruud. Time to go in and meet this Amaund Motierre. The name doesn't dredge up any memories. Perhaps the family rose to prominence after I started my "nap". Whoever he is, and whatever is going on with the Brotherhood I'll find out tonight. Time to follow Sithis' will.

>Dead body of an explorer in the entranceway. Most would see this as a bad sign, but given the forces I'm currently aligned with I feel it's a good omen.

---Heartfire, 3rd, 4E 201--- The Emperor... of Tamriel

Amaund Motierre wants us to assassinate the EMPEROR of TAMRIEL!

Granted, he said there were a great many contracts he needed us to do, but it's all focused on that final kill.

The Emperor. It's been done before, yes. It's taken me almost a full day and I've still barely wrapped my brain around this.

The Emperor of Tamriel.

To think there's a chance that my hands may end up holding the blade that changes the future. It's exciting, but sobering. This isn't a reward. It's a responsibility. A responsibility to know why. A responsibility to carry this out without any problems.

I've got to get Motierre's letter and the jeweled amulet to Astrid. The carriage can hardly reach Falkreath fast enough.