#had trouble reworking the other three cause they all literally have the same head shape

[whats-an-absurdly-long-username]

no i dont have a favorite.

[coffeeandmoonthoughts]

04.05

It feels like it’s so easy for me to fall right off the side of the planet. Which leaves me feeling like I need to death-grip the whole thing just to stay afloat. It’s so easy for me to get distracted. Or my mind to fill with the wants, needs, opinions, the clutter of others’ ideas. I don’t want that. I want to feel crystal clear with myself. I want to listen carefully and hear my own intuition. It’s so effortless to get caught up with literally anything else. That tiny little whim can be so easily drown out behind the clutter of everything else I’m picking up on (a highly controversial subject of something called mirror-neurons and emotional contagion, among other things). And when I can’t hear myself, I become afraid. It’s scary to soak up everyone else, until there is no room for you. At least, it feels that way. It’s hard to recognize the difference between something stemming from roots deep within myself, or from someone else near me. It forces me to defensively cling to myself. Which, after a while, doesn’t always feel good either. I don’t want a death grip on life. Lightly, lightly. Life is too easy for it to feel this hard. Easy and lightly. It seems I can go weeks before I finally find a way to shut out everything and sit in singularity. Shut out… that’s not the right word. “Shut out” hints at closing a door, putting up a wall or tightly boarding up windows. No, it’s more of a clearing out. The sweeping out of some unwanted, unasked-for clutter. Everyone else’s mess. But, I’m not boarded up or sealed shut. I’m clear with myself. I guess that would be the word to use… It sounds so strange to talk about. Feelings. Because it requires a leap of the imagination into the unknown or unknowable. It’s a risk of sounding stupid to someone who cant think more abstract. Something science can see, but not see. I (with all my facts and scientific brain) am still learning to be okay with it. My right brain and left brain wrestling with each other when they should be working in unison, fusing different vantage points into one idea I can actually work with. I think, this is what you call surrendering to life. I can understand it, barely wrap my head around it but see it crystal clear. And instead of fighting it, find a way to work side by side with it. Flow with it. Stay clear with it. Embrace it. Rework it in a way that benefits me, or allow it to rework me in a way that benefits my life. Understanding that there is so much that I do not understand, but by having faith, it will simply be. Eventually, when I’m able to feel clear, I wont feel like I want to jump out of my skin anymore. Yes, sometimes it feels that way. When my neurons are firing so fast that all I want to do is jump out of my brain, my body, that for some reason was built/wired this way, fine-tuned and developed over time. But if I can learn a way to work with it, to bend not break, to have more flex and give, it will make things easier. Less resistance. It’s kind of like a feather in the wind. The feather gets blown around but it’s so light that it doesn’t get ripped apart. It simply floats back safely to the ground, intact. This is the reason skyscrapers are built flexible. Because if they weren’t they would snap. This is why humans, in futile resistance, might subject themselves to more suffering than needed. The trick isn’t in finding a way to land on the ground, the trick is in learning how to maintain your feather spine while bending in the gusts of wind, even embracing them. I’d like to know how to do that. 

In this particular dream I was in a house. Not my house, someone else’s. I was coming over for something, with a number of people, and I was the first to arrive. In the dream I remember I was flustered because one of the rooms wasn’t clean for company. I mean, it was an utter disaster by anyone’s standards. But it wasn’t a main room. Still, I was so annoyed that the person hadn’t prepared for company or cleaned. I started cleaning myself even after the company had arrived. They stayed in a main room and I hoped they wouldn’t come into the other room while I cleaned. It felt like the more I cleaned, the messier it became. I cleaned the floor and for some reason (it’s a dream- it doesn’t have to make sense) the floor was paper thin and started peeling off. It came apart. And under it was broken strips of wood. The strips of wood were splintered and there were massive holes between beams. I tried to fix it as best I could. I even moved something over the hole to cover it but it just got worse, until everything came in swirling around the room. It was like a black hole except I was in it. Debris came in through the hole in the floor and it was utter chaos. Paper and things came flying into the room in a whirlwind and I couldn’t stop it. Eventually I gave up. I got the host and told the host that this was on them. I did what I could. It wasn’t my fault and any unfavorable opinion from the guests (three men sitting at a kitchen table) was on them, not me. I washed my hands clean of it, even though I was a mess and practically furious from frustration. Like I said, its a dream. It doesn’t have to make sense. Usually in dreams, none of it makes sense and its all a bit wonky (our vision is spotting, sometimes actions are just mere flashes or feelings, sometimes the whole dream takes place in a matter of a couple seconds and in order to remember it we need to run through the feeling and flashes immediately after we wake up). But we always remember the feeling. Because despite the facts, however exaggerated or omitted they may be, the feeling is what remains with us - you cant fake it. It sticks around with us even after the fact. That feeling of uncontrollable flying debris. The feeling of trying to damn up a gaping hole. The feeling of being the black hole. Even right now it’s making me want to crawl right out of my own skin. 

Me: Well, seems that during this time Neptune was on top of Mercury. Neptune being the planet influencing our dreams and Mercury being the planet of communication. Makes sense. Everything feeling so water and foggy. This all taking place in Pisces, which is the opposite of Virgo which rules our logic and rational mind. Opposing sign. Which may mean our logical mind isn’t working the way we like and may send us inward to listen to our intuition. Needing us to be able to discern between what is true, rooted in reality and what is coming in through intuition or what is based in fear or old patterns, programming or reverting to the past because it’s what is comfortable. And Venus (planet of love) and mercury will be moving out of Pisces and moving into Aries which is way more direct and fiery and even playful. So, thank god that watery abyss is over now.

Also me: Astrology isn’t real. You’ve had a migraine for two weeks straight. I think thats foggy enough. But good news, girl, you finally broke through your migraine. 

04.09

I was walking down a pathway. A sidewalk of sorts. It was between shops and brick buildings and I was walking with my dog and my sister. The concrete was old and cracked and weirdly poured and shaped. I remember telling her about a way to make caramel cake that I saw someone doing and I tried it myself. Then, I remember the sidewalk slanted rapidly and twisted around a tree. Part of it was broken and you had to let yourself down and then jump over something. I tried it first and was explaining to my sister how to do it. Then we kept walking. But all of a sudden I was on an old street I used to live by. I was walking down the sidewalk by myself. A truck came up behind me, still a distance away, and I turned around to get a look at it. It was an old white ford and it was swerving back and forth. The driver was drunk. He could barely keep his eyes open. I thought to myself, oh no I have to get out of his way. He wrecked his truck into a building and stumbled out with a shot gun and started walking. Oh my god, I thought. This looks really bad. He didn’t look like he was going to shoot someone up though. He looked like someone who was two sheets from the wind and trying to save the shotgun he didn’t want to leave in his truck. He carried it around and stumbled into buildings like a video game character stuck in a glitch. I looked around to see if anyone else was seeing this. No one else was around, except for his equally drunk friend who was walking far ahead of me in the exact same scenario. I quietly panicked, not wanting them to notice me but felt like I had to find someone, to get their attention. Although they weren’t causing a trouble yet, no one in their right mind walks around drunk on the street haphazardly carrying a shotgun. I felt like it had bad news written all over it and then I woke up.

Last night I fell asleep around 8 pm. I didn’t mean to. I was sitting in bed working on my laptop with my dog by my side. A sense of overwhelming drowsiness suddenly swept over me. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. There was no reason for me to be falling asleep that early, it just sort of came out of nowhere. I actually nodded off a few times before I let my laptop drop to the floor next to me. When I woke up from this dream it was 3:08 am. Despite my sleepy haze I noticed the bedroom door was wide open and the hallway light was glaring at me. That’s weird, I thought. I always keep the door shut when the dog is with me because he roams and gets into trouble. And I always keep the light off because it pours into the room and right into my eyes. I rolled over and went back to sleep until I woke up at 5 am and found my phone floating around in the blankets, no alarm even set. Most of the things in this dream make sense. Earlier that day I saw a large white truck that was driving too slow. I also saw a hack to making a homemade caramel that some woman put on a cake. I guess it hit me in my feels because it carried over into my dreams. The rest of the dream was just little bits and pieces I don’t remember. The thing I don’t understand is the two drunk men toting shotguns and why my door was wide open and the light was on. Most things I can usually link to mental processes, but sometimes they don’t make sense at all.