#hardly a neat thesis statement in here but i just have a lot to say

[unproduciblesmackdown]

like i am fine (enough) with all the plot devicery & him being a joke, even if that's of course hardly peak fun This Is Billions and that's how things often go, this is just potentially pulling the rug out Hard when i got my hopes up thanks to the 5x05 thru 5x07 period where it was like "oh hey the writers coming through, b/c surely when they were glad to finally get to write winston as much as they wanted that meant not just more material for him in sheer runtime but also in its complexity / variety b/c of this availability; why would they want to write him in more than they did in s4 / want to keep the character around into s5 & beyond if not" like wow all that focus in 5x05 even if it was a mixed bag, his longest arc yet, oh wow his arc with rian extends beyond even that one episode, wow it's Character stuff for its own sake / his feelings seem to be presented seriously :] finally a payoff, finally the Winston Character Material

like was already into the start of s5 frustrated abt [plot device only] and this is not New but it's not just the potentially dashed (let's call them bruised) hopes of those arcs from 5x05 through 5x07, this is about his character Overall, hence the prior extremely similar frustration.......like, had sure been thinking it Could just be a coincidence that, for some reason, not only have winston and taylor not had a real conversation since 3x11, but more mysteriously winston will often engage with taylor To No Response; i am going to flip out and not in a way everyone likes or respects if the Truth is that taylor feels the same way everyone else does and has disdain for winston / allows him to be around only Begrudgingly for his limited, nigh inadvertent Usefulness, but unlike other's they Can listen to what he says & refrain from expressing their disdain usually, they'll just always feel that b/c that's the Right, Objective way to regard winston

like i said, only secondarily discouraged re: riawin & less so i suppose, b/c there's still the way rian has acted towards him / the fact it seems a lot more involved to suppose rian does not like him as a person at all / alllll the work being done by eva victor saying they have a "horrible intense passionate" dynamic which, always going "hmm. uh oh" at the horrible and i guess it's possible Intense Passionate doesn't mean they kiss, but how passionate can it get if rian does not take him seriously at all b/c she's smart like taylor and no one does, including taylor.......but as always, both pre and post riawin being introduced, going like "boy not even sure i'd want the writers to humanize winston / give him serious emotional material by giving him a romantic subplot b/c i think they'd probably make him a joke :/ aka it'd only be fine if they wrote it well as character material beyond [just a joke at his expense]" and riawin Has felt like a pleasant surprise, but now that i'm just Overall having to go "Is winston just an eternal punchline" that goes for riawin too, there's always been the underlying anxiety that Rian Could Simply Think Winston's Entertaining When He's Annoyed Into Theatricality, and tbh i think "someone Wants to interact with winston just b/c they find it amusing to rile him up & get his personality to kick in harder" would be worse than simply being dismissive and/or shutting him down / ignoring him.....5x05 could be that she Does think his variety of opinion is valuable and/or wants him around for that personal entertainment of messing with him (and not in a good way :( ) and would've gotten pedantic about luck & math at anyone who brought it up, 5x06 could be [enjoying messing with him], 5x07 could've been "she would've talked to anyone about all that".....and even if they do kiss and stuff that doesn't mean she necessarily Takes Him Seriously / is genuinely interested in him As A Person, and that he's not a joke there.....if they go right to being friends (or end up there) you'd think that'd more require taking him at all seriously / being interested in him as a person, and that's always the ultimate priority here re: rian & winston's Dynamic, possible messy romantic/sexual relationship arc or not......the material can always treat winston Seriously without the Tone being serious, you know, like so far the riawin stuff Is always fun and funny but not a joke at his expense, unless it overall ends up being that way for no particular reason but that this is a new way for winston to be pwned by the material......(am also somewhat Optimistic b/c the way rian acts around winston is Unique to those interactions, why dial that back / backtrack it.....unless, again, it's just that rian loves a good joke / to be entertained) (this is all about going "alright i'm giving up (continues to have hope)" as i have about billions repeatedly lmfao but here i am, unfortunately still Caring)

[rtcessays]

essay 2

Its only a paper moon Tick Tick Time there is love in your body (you can't hold it in) The sun no longer shines (on your side) Q’s for Lise

How did you find writing Tony Stark? Remarkably enough, for a character I often find myself frustrated by, I really enjoy writing Tony. He’s fun - his glib way of talking, often using more words than necessary to talk around whatever he’s trying to get at, and at the same time terrifically blunt - is in a weird way kind of adjacent to Loki. They both tend to circumlocute, but in very different ways.At this point in the series it’s especially fun - developing Tony’s relationship with the idea of Steve/Loki from here to...where it is at the current point was something I enjoyed doing, even if it largely happened “off screen.”But this iteration of Tony has a better sense of what’s going on (in some ways) than Steve does, because from an outside perspective he’s not dealing with the level of denial that Steve feels.  What was your motivation for the ending of The sun no longer shines (on your side)? At this point I was coming to (what I planned to be) the end of the main series. I’d been having Loki and Steve circle each other, Loki moving in and out as he pleased and walking a fine line without ever committing to anything, even as he and Steve get more and more tangled together. I actually knew that once I introduced Doom in “Tick Tick Time” that I was going to use him for...this, basically. When Loki is scared - when Loki is freaking out especially about the prospect of emotions - he tends to run in the other direction. If I wanted to get them somewhere, I needed to force Loki to stop running.In retrospect, there’s a kind of neatness to the fact that Loki and Steve’s relationship started with Loki crash landing in the Tower, and here it comes to a crossroads in the same way. Why I chose to end the fic there - I think it had to do with the fact that this fic was a specific arc and I knew that I had a whole other arc that it was moving onto. “The sun no longer shines (on your side)” was about bringing them together and forcing both of them to confront that this Thing they’ve been doing isn’t just a passing fad. The next fic (that I wrote, not chronologically), “with an untrained voice” (and here I am looking ahead), was about closing the circle. I do this a lot throughout the series - writing a specific story and then, rather than adding another chapter, having a separate fic that deals with the aftermath and repercussions. For some reason, I feel a need to separate those things. - Here at the beginning of ‘its only a paper moon’, we find ourselves with a face full of Tony Stark; how else can one describe the man? Tony’s...Tony-ness is often difficult to pin down but the author has enough of his cadence and flavor for succinct verbosity that you can hear Downey’s voice when you actively read the first scene of ‘its only a paper moon’. A treat, to be sure, and its Tony who asks the questions that’s been on the readers’ minds, namely, “What’s the deal with you and Loki?”. Its something of a thesis statement. “He raised a hand and crooked a finger, beckoning Steve. He didn’t really think about taking a step forward, but he took two toward Loki before he stopped, maybe a foot between them. He laughed, a little nervously.” 

Loki’s bordering on erotic pear eating might be on Steve’s mind, calling back to the first time he thought of Loki in a romantic light. Here, the tension ramps up despite Steve’s nerves. Loki offers his hand, and Steve takes it, marking the beginning of whatever the hell its is that Steve and Loki become at this point, at least in Steve’s mind.

“He pushed the rest of the way down, smashing his lips to Loki’s with enthusiasm if not skill, and it felt right.” 

Here’s Steve’s instincts again, which he’s relied on heavily in regards to his interactions with Loki up to this point. Tony discerned it before it happened, but now there is no turning back. He kisses Loki and is ensnared, whether he likes it or not. “Dangerous, whispered a faint voice at the back of Steve’s mind, but most of him thrilled to it, his heart pounding against his ribs.” Steve’s mind is full of what Loki can be, can do, his fantasies of a trust in him that Steve’s instincts nearly begged for. Of course, everything isn’t as it seems. “He reached down, fingers wrapping around Steve’s cock, and squeezed so Steve arched up with a shout-And lurched into consciousness with his cock rock hard and his pulse pounding, for a moment still groping after a dream before he registered what was going on. Dreaming. He’d been dreaming, but it’d been so vivid-” Not a truth, then, just a fiction. A dream. But what an incredible way to set up Steve’s attractions, to make clear just what it is his mind and body wants with Loki. Writing it off as a product of Tony’s words, Steve gives in anyways, surely thinking of Loki the whole way through his release.Tick Tick Time is the longest installment thus far, clocking in at almost 12k words. We get straight to it; the team has found out about Loki. This dates back to the installment before ‘its only a paper moon’, which was ‘the fog won’t lift in your town’. We find ourselves in the middle of an Avengers meeting, which definitely doesn’t go great, but could certainly be worse, at least from Steve’s point of view. Someone like Clint, on the other hand, might think this is more disastrous than any other present.   Onto Steve, alone in his room, pondering over everything from Loki’s nature, to his likeness spilled out over his sketching paper. He’s turned around by Loki having saved him. The implication of the thing trails into his dreams...or is Loki truly visiting him in his dreams? The reader wonders, and hopes. Loki is getting under Steve’s skin in such a way that he is left fretting over where Loki might be, if he is alright. For a month, this happens, and even someone of peak physical and mental stability (though the latter could be argued) might be driven in circles worrying. Of course, Loki appears again. Steve immediately asks where he’s been. The previous month of mixed up emotions has clearly gotten to him, and Loki, in his way, is surprised. The slow burn continues. Each sentence leaves little bread crumbs, little markers of subtle increases of care and concern they have for one another. The characters themselves are completely oblivious, but a well minded reader who’s in it for the romance will certainly pick up on it. Again, however, the conversation comes back around to whether or not Loki might change his ways, change his modus operandi and make up for his ill made decisions. It's a common theme, to be sure, but in this context it is electric: ‘“They didn’t like it,” he said, “But yes, they accepted it.” He took a deep breath and then added, slowly, “If you gave them a chance to…” “To what,” Loki said, unmistakably amused. “To glimpse my better nature?” Steve pressed his lips together, feeling a prickle of frustration at the note in Loki’s voice. “You don’t need to make it sound as though the idea is so absurd. You’ve proven to me-” “What have I proven to you?” Loki’s voice was suddenly quite sharp and he sat straight up. “What, other than my ability to carry on a civilized conversation? You attribute too much to a whim born of simple boredom.” “Why are you so quick to tell me that I’m wrong?” Steve asked, the twinge of irritation becoming more definite. “It’s like you want me to assume the worst.” Loki’s laugh was bright and sharp. “Hardly! I merely have little interest in hearing you grasp at straws to maintain your absurd hope that I will someday realize my sins and repent, casting myself on the mercy of such heroes as yourself.”’

The topic dies down, but the heat doesn’t. It’s becoming more clear that there is an underlying thread here. ‘Loki raised his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side. “You don’t like me turning up in your bed unannounced?”Steve had spent enough time with Tony to catch that one, and refused to acknowledge the warm flush he could feel spreading on his face.’ They set up a coffee date, and the ensuing conversation to get Loki to stay is met with that epithet again, ‘my good captain’. Steve seems somewhat taken with it, but he seems somewhat taken with Loki in general, so no surprise there. Loki proposes a half an hour, where Steve can ask what he wishes and he’ll get an answer. Its a kind of trope that’s found throughout literature. And, it’s a means to maybe suss out some things about Loki. It goes on not quite as expected, as Steve asks more mundane questions than exciting ones, at least in Loki’s estimation. Natasha is the chosen envoy, or seems to be, the next day. The Avengers will tolerate Loki’s interactions with Steve “for now”. As Steve and Loki meet for their coffee ‘date’, the nuances of their responses to one another are clear in the narrative. And, all the more intriguing. Loki was present, again, at another Avengers battle and while Steve is initially irritated, Loki points out what a disaster it would be had Loki revealed himself. Steve’s preoccupation with...well, rehabilitating Loki is as endearing as it is maddening. Likely, Loki would agree. Nevertheless, it is a hope Steve can’t help but hold out for, at least at this stage in the game. Remember, the series at this point was meant to be winding down. Such a huge shift in characterization would require more time, and so this joint coffee excursion halts Steve’s thoughts of turning Loki at least less morally questionable.The trust has built up enough to allow Steve to be more comfortable opening up. He admits he wants to talk to Loki, and goes on to talk about himself in pre-serum terms. Loki makes it about himself, missing the fact (or choosing to ignore, maybe) that Steve was not proselytizing and talks entirely too much about how is is what he is. It’s almost a tell, this penchant for driving home the base opinion of him.

A story for a story, Loki says, and offers one of retribution, again going back to what a terrible creature he must be. Is he pushing Steve’s buttons? Is he genuinely trying to make a point, here? The sympathetic reader might feel their heart twist in their chest, but ultimately its likely a test. How long until the good captain breaks character and gives up on him?Steve is awfully upset by the story, but he sidesteps his initial reactions to ask himself a very important question; Why tell me this? Steve sees through Loki straight away, seems to know Loki must’ve been baiting him. After a silence, Loki clearly marvels at Steve, and not for the first time either. It’s a wistful thought for him, the idea that Steve may have done some good on Asgard had he been Aesir, and Steve is understandably thoughtful at the notion. Our final scene in Tick Tick Time cuts right to the chase. Loki has come to warn Steve of literal impending Doom. The argument that follows is a back and forth and ups the ante emotionally. Steve, being Steve, can’t understand why Loki would take up with Doom, come to tell him of Doom’s plans, and still not think of himself positively. In short order the argument provides us with some glimpses into what Loki has been doing, which will start to further unfold for us soon. Steve is left with a sense of failure, and we are left to wonder where this twist will take us next.

The next stop is an interlude, a look into Loki’s side of things. The summary for this installment is succinct; “Loki needs to get rid of this inconvenient Captain America Problem”. Loki picks up a man named William at a bar of some sort who has passing similarity to Steve. It’s not an uncommon scene in fanfiction, but it is infused with Loki’s internal ponderings which the audience has been hopeful for. Even in this simple way, we can see where Loki is emotionally fraying around the edges. “He will exorcise this need from himself, Loki thinks. This mad obsession.” Note this quotation says ‘exorcise’, a darker, deeper mindset than the alternative you might initially misread, ‘exercise’. This is a big step for Loki. It ends in his belated realization that Steve is in his bones, now, and there’s nothing for it. Perhaps his plan backfired, or maybe it simply revealed a truth, but it is a satisfying read. We know where Loki’s head is, where his heart is, and everything else. This is more than just a curiosity for him, this is more than a game. In this temporary moment, Loki’s hunger for Steve is established. Now that that is settled, we continue forward in ‘The sun no longer shines (on your side)’ with the backdrop of Doom’s attack. After the fact, Loki shows up unexpectedly, as he is wont to do, and Steve is somewhat exasperated. Lise’s ability to keep the same premise (Loki’s popping in and out of Steve’s life) in nearly every installment fresh is impressive, and part of what makes the read so good. With every meeting, there is another underlying layer of basically every tension between them, and with every meeting, we are hooked again and again to see what might be uncovered or divulged. The theme is generally the same; Loki’s sneakiness, his trickery, to Steve’s nobleness and stoutheartedness. One expects them to hate each other before the end of it but on the contrary, they seem even more drawn to one another. Their philosophical see-sawing gives way to Loki asking if he’s seeing anyone. Given the segment before this particular fic, your heart breaks for Loki. Why would he ask such a thing? Steve’s sure confused by it. He asks if this is a test, which implies a certain kind of paranoia. He wants to trust Loki, but he can’t quite get there. And honestly, who can blame him? “He found himself almost glad of that, that he got to have this private, special (bizarre) thing, whatever it was.” Steve’s affection for Loki is clear later on. His thoughts are constantly turning towards Loki, and it appears maybe Loki isn’t the only one with a fascination here. When he makes his appearance, Loki seems lighthearted to Steve, perhaps just in contrast. Quickly the reason for his visit is revealed; he asks Steve to dinner. Visibly anxious when Steve goes on the defense, your heart breaks for the Loki we saw in the previous installment. Steve agrees, and Loki suggests that it was a hard won dinner, an important nugget for later on.Tony shows up, apparently still working on figuring his way through how Loki’s magic works. It’s a nice segue into Steve asking after a classier outfit, and Tony noodles out what’s really going on. A date, it seems, and the scene turns to Steve waiting for Loki. The lead in is perfect. One gets the sense that Loki is obviously up to something, but experiencing it from Steve’s bashful confusion makes the scene. ““Never fear.” Loki’s eyes glittered slightly in the dim light. “I shall look after you with the most tender of care.” A bizarre, tingly feeling trailed down his spine as Steve blinked.” It’s another one of those pear moments, Steve responding to something Loki has done or said with pleasure.The ‘date’ seems to go well, except for the whole topic of Doom of course. At a later point, Loki reappears and nearly gets a skillet to the face for his trouble. The banter is familiar, until Loki remarks on how honestly good Steve is. Where he expected a certain corruptible center, Loki has found the opposite with Steve. ““I told myself it was but curiosity,” Loki said, and took a strangely prowling step in Steve’s direction, and then another. “What strangeness, after all. Surely beneath your shining exterior was a rotten core that I could bring to the surface. Why not? There always is.”” Loki sees Steve for who and what he is, beyond just the visage of Captain America, and its someone he craves. ““I would have you,” Loki said, his voice lower still. “And seldom do I fail in getting what I want.”” They kiss, at long last, and it’s a natural thing. The build up is minimal, you see it coming, presumably so the thing stays natural. It is a heated few minutes, cut short by...something. What, precisely, we don’t know, and Steve is left uncomfortably aroused. Loki promises to return and pick up where he left off, steals another kiss, and is gone. This time, it was real. The kisses were real, Loki’s intentions seem to be pure as he insists he’s not meaning to toy with Steve.Weeks pass, and the next that Steve hears from Loki is via JARVIS. Loki’s in the tower, unconscious. The team doesn’t argue (that much), and Steve is greeted to a gruesome sight and scent; blood. Excessive amounts of blood. Loki wakes and there’s some relief in the fact that he is himself, spiteful and full of sardonic laughter. Steve races to help, and we’re left with a cliffhanger of uncomfortable proportions.

[manuscripts-dontburn]

October 2017 wrap up

I had an unexpectedly good reading month, considering both my work and university are slowly but surely becoming a crazy ride. I finished reading 12 books in a month, which is almost a double of what I manage to read usually! Furthermore I pretty much loved and enjoyed almost all of them! Let´s take them one by one in order I read them:

When Miss Emmie Was in Russia  (Harvey Pitcher)

The first book I finished in October was a non-fiction about English Nannies and governesses who, throughout the 19th and early 20th century, ventured into Imperial Russia to take care of well-situated babies and children. While I did reach for the book mainly because it is directly related to my diploma thesis (on which I am currently working), I think it was a delightful and fascinating account! It is a very approachable book giving statement of some truly remarkable women in rather remarkable situations. While the topic may seem very specific, you don´t need to be a scholar to enjoy it. 4 stars!

Roverandom (J.R.R. Tolkien)

When a small dog angers an arrogant old wizard over a yellow ball, he is turned into a small toy by his spell. And that is just the beginning of a story J.R.R. Tolkien wrote for one of his sons, who had lost his favourite dog toy once on a beach.  Few authors known for their epic words also understand fairy-tales and adventures. This may be a book for children, but it never feels infantile! Heart-warming, sweet and delightful. Also very short and ideal for readathons. I love Tolkien. 4 stars!

Peter the Great: His Life and World (R.K. Massie)

A work of truly mammoth proportions, so very detailed and thoroughly researched I can hardly imagine any other biography on Peter could give me more. The most famous of all Russian Tsars steps out of the pages vividly andone still feels both admiration and fear he had once inspired. It reads almost like a novel, both thanks to the skill of the author and because of Peter´s truly extraordinary existence and life. 5 stars!

Vampires in the Old Russia (Alexei Tolstoy)

I am quite sure the short stories included in this publications are translated and thus available in English as well, just not in a separate book like this one. In any case, this book surprised me - and pleasantly so! I had no idea what to expect, but I imaged a rather slow and boring style with ambiguous stories. Oh no! This reads really quickly, the author wastes no time and all the three stories included gave me chills! A very satisfying October read and perfect for anyone who likes the works of Bram Stoker! 4 stars!

The Shadow of the Wind (Carlos Ruiz Zafón)

A stunning book. Mystery, family tragedy, historical fiction, thriller - it encompasses a whole lot of literary styles and perfectly shapes them into one impressive story decorated with wonderful writing. I find it difficult to review this book, it is definitely something you should read without any preconcieved notions. But read it you should! 4,5 stars!

Lusitania: An Epic Tragedy (Diana Preston)

One of those non-fictions which read like fiction, yet are even more haunting since they once truly were a reality. This was the second book on Lusitania I have read and I suspect will be the last. The story of the sinking and the aftermath is just so depressing - and makes you in comparison realize what an organized and fairly "glamorous" event the sinking of the Titanic was. Just the length (Titanic 2 hours, Lusitania 20 minutes) gives you an idea. (Naturally both the tragedies were equally painful and I am not saying one was worse than the other when it comes to loss of life). Diana Preston gives a lot of information on all the events surrounding the ship, not merely the tragedy itself, and I have to admit some of it I skimmed. Still, a vivid and touching book that made me rather depressed. 4 stars!

Frankenstein (Mary Shelley)

Being in a Halloween mood (though we do not celebrate Hallowen here) I picked up a venerated classic written by Mary Shelley. I loved the atmosphere and the writing was beautiful. I liked the idea and one has to take into account how original and new it was at the time. Unfortunatelly, the book could never hold my attention for too long. I had to remind myself to pick it up again and again, I felt it dragged for most of the time, and I was actually glad when I finished. 3 stars!

Children of Irena Sendler (Anna Mieszkowska)

Not available in English as far as I gather, but you could find more books about this remarkable woman to draw some information from. And maybe better books too.  I felt this one was a bit disorganized and I wanted more of actual Irena, but that does not mean the information the publication carries are without value. On the contrary. More people need to read about Mrs. Sendler. You included. 3,75 stars!

ABBA: The Official photobook (Petter Karlsson)

ABBA was my most favourite music group when I was a kid and a teenager, and till this day I love them greatly.  The day the book arrived I immediatelly sat down and went through every photo and every word that it contained. Not much information was new to me, a passionate ABBA buff, but a large number of the (HQ and beautiful) photos are commented upon by the ABBA themselves which makes the book a delightful and new experience. 5 stars!

A Storm of Witchcraft: The Salem Trials and the American Experience (Emerson W. Baker)

I ploughed and skimmed my was through this book which felt longer than it shold have. While I can appreciate the research the author did and can see his attempts and neat organization of facts, the truth remains that the writing is bland and I felt bored. Bored by something as interesting as Salem witch trials! Furthermore, aside from enjoyment I rate non-fiction books according to how much I have learned. Here, sadly, the book fails again. I retained very little information after reading it. There was too many names, too much repeated information.... one got lost quickly in all that. Perhaps the book would do me better service had I previously had some notion about the Salem events, but unfortunatelly this was my first venture into the topic and not an encouraging one. 2 stars!

The Muse (Jessie Burton)

Jessie Burton is an author full of promise. Her debut novel was good, The Muse is better still. I think a bit more mystery would have added a lot to the atmosphere, since everything is really explained almost the moment one is introduced to the mystery, but I also admit that as the book progressed it was more and more difficult to put it down. Well written, with an interesting story and also including a wonderfully "normal" diversity (meaning the diverse characters are simply diverse and .... not caricatures... and not "just" that one thing that makes them diverse.... urgh... just go and read it yourself to understand), The Muse is a commendable piece of work. Looking forward to more by this author. 4 stars!

Ben Hur (Lewis Wallace)

The first time I picked the book up I put it down after three pages. The descriptions were too much for me. The second time I pulled through those first three pages, and  devoured the book in mere days, descriptions and all. Ben Hur has a strong story, and its descriptive nature (combined with the knowledge of WHEN the book was written) only ads to the captivating charm. The only thing I have to stress out is that the writing, at times, hobbles uncomfortably and awkwardly, and the treatement of two love interests of the hero is... well... pretty much just regular sexist and while I understand the society was like this in 1880s.... it still is not my favourite thing. Finally: I utterly love the film with Charlton Heston. It is a masterpiece. And the book added to my love for it even more. 4 stars!

So there you have it my dear fellow booklings! Have you read any of these books? What did you think of them? Do you agree with me or not? And what did you read last month? I would love to know!