#havent been able to sleep in weeks because im so anxious abt not having a job and ive applied to every place within a 20 mile radius

[mephilver]

entry level retail job with 3 years prior experience required just tell me to kill myself maybe

[bye-zai]

Can i catch a break? I’m starting to lose my shit :D

TRIGGER WARNING: S*X MENTION, MENTAL AB*SE, NONCON

i got yelled at over me wanting to dye my hair bc my mom’s like "barber shops wont dye your hair and do designs on it" i was like "... yes they do, that one dude wanted to dye my hair like neon green" she was like (DEADNAME), DID I SAY I WANTED YOU TO TALK BACK?" and so i started to shut down, like my body language show'd i wanted to stop being FUCKING screamed at over a fucking haircut that I TOLD HER I ABOUT. SHE WAS LIKE "YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT IN MARCH" AND I WAS LIKE "i mean like it didnt have to be IN march, i just wanted it for spring.." and she was like "I'M NOT ATTACKING YOU, PUT YOUR HAND DOWN. (i was like holding/ hugging myself) and then i went in my room and cried :D. 

I was so fucking tired of this so i went up to tell her like "Please don’t tell me how i should feel, and shut down my emotions" and she was like "Maybe you should journal abt why you feel the need to be all frigidity and anxious when you're talking to me." and i like looked at her but didn't say anything and she goes "I don’t know (deadname). We've always been able to talk to each other with honesty and now all of a sudden you're acting like i'm attacking you, and trying to hug yourself? why all of a sudden?!" i was like "Idk when THAT was because I havent talked to you in years, and you're always yelling at me about how im being dramatic. Also I’m not making this up." she was like "did i say you were making it up?! no! go journal about it" i was like "no. let's have a conversation." because tbh if i write down all this shit its just gonna sound like i blame her for fucking everything and that she's gonna look like a bad mom, so i don't want her to read how i fucking hate myself, and that i attempted to sleep with some random boy because SOMEBODY FUCKING WANTED ME FOR THE FIRST TIME FREAKING EVER. like ik im not good enough for anyone in this fucking family, so yeah. I LET A BOY PUT HIS HANDS ON MY JUST SO THAT I KNEW FOR ONCE THAT I WAS FUCKING LIKED. 

(some context: A boy that i barely know had told me he liked me in the past. He’s attractive so I was like “cool” he said how he’s 19 so we couldn’t date, but I was like omg someone likes me??? He had kept trying to skip with him but I was making excuses. (I didn’t want to) I was worried he was gonna ask me out bc i liked someone else at the time. He had eventually convinced me. He said it was gonna take like 25 min. I said okay. He had started off saying how i wasn’t dirty like the other girls (I was like wtf, but i kept listening) and that he liked me. He said he wanted to please me and i was like.. right now!?! I kept saying we were gonna get caught and tbh i think that was my brain trying to get out, but he reassured me multiple times. I was gonna say no but then he kissed me. He was NOT a good kisser, but i let it go on. He went down on my for literally less that a minute and I was super fucking out of it, but i was like “why’d you stop” apparently he was putting on a condom and honest to god i didnt realize that he wanted to fuck me. He kept trying tp put it in but i’m a virgin and i really didnt wanna do it. He put his hand around my neck to try to get it in. He almost got it in, but i was literally gonna scream, it hurt SO FUCKING BAD. He got really mad. I was trying to make him feel better by asking to give him head. He said no, i was like okay! I told my therapist and she was like “did he even ask for your consent?” I was like “um.. no, but i was fine w it.” sje was like “you dont seem fine..” i was like “oh shit, maybe I’m not fine..” Then I got suspended bc of it. I didn’t get caught, I had just realized how fucked up that situation was and reported it :D)

but y'know what? i havent done my hw in a week, my vape fucking died, i'm losing parts of my spirit every damn day, I can't stand the thought of going to school and having to see that boy that i had attempted to have sex with, but i also cannot stay in this house ANY FREAKING LONGER. I miss my crush, I miss my friends, but honestly.. I also don’t want to see them bc i feel like i don’t deserve to have them :)

anyways, don’t know why i felt like i had to post this but i did 

[magicalgirlmafu]

HELLO. ITS ME. IM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE HERE WE GO FUCK YES.

So Ive been in a bad place for a few years now, like really bad and I havent been able to function like a normal human. And bc of that, and other reasons, I wasnt able to keep up many relationships either, like I was too emotionally unstable to put effort into some relationships, so I cut them off. Ykno, without explaining to anyone, like an asshole. Tbh Idk why I never explained to those people what was going on, I guess I didnt care. And I mean I didnt, I really didnt care because nothing mattered, and its not like Im trying to hide behind my depression, I KNOW what I did was horrible and it prbl fucked at least one person up. So Im writing my sins up tonight bc one of those ex-friends texted me today, Ive been ignoring their messages for 2-3 years now. And they said theyll stop trying to contact me, and tbh? Im happy for them for that, bc Jesus Christ they didnt deserve this. They didnt deserve to go thru this kind of shit just bc I didnt know how to tell them that I dont want to be friends anymore, that I cant.

So idk man, theyre not a bad person, a little mean yeah but not bad. And Ik theres nothing wrong with cutting off people from your life, who make you feel bad. But obv I still feel bad.

I didnt like the way they touched me, for some reason it made me uncomfortable, no matter how long I had known them. I didnt like being touched, I dont remember if I ever told them, maybe they wouldve stopped if I had opened my mouth, cant remember tho. Im not trying to be the victim here, I did a horrible thing and I deserve to feel shitty abt it, and I want to, bc then I know Im still human, ykno? But I still want to get this off my chest because Im selfish and I need this, so like fuck it.

So I didnt like to be touched by them, it was always too much and at times it felt exhausting and other times just wrong. I guess their presence started bothering me when they would appear in my room without letting me even know first, or that when I said “no” they didnt listen, I had to BEG for them to listen, it was uncomfortable, it made me feel anxious and like they didnt respect my personal space. They touched me while I was trying to sleep, their fucking hands went up my shirt and touched me when I was TRYING TO SLEEP. That wasnt okay. God that really wasnt fucking okay at all and Im saying it now for the first time but fuck you for thinking you could touch me just bc youve known me for a long time. Fuck you. Youre not a bad person Ik and you were a great friend when I still could handle you, but you just.. took it too far for me? I couldnt give you what you needed from a relationship, I couldnt see you everyday or every week, thats not how I work and its nice that you do and god I hope youll find people who feel the same as you do cause you deserve to have good friends and Im sorry for what I did. 

I kinda wish I had told you abt all this, esp the touching and the things you told me. Some jokes went way too far, some things didnt belong to your ears, you spilled my secrets years ago when I still hadnt come out to my parents, talked shit abt people who I loved, and just?? You just had no boundaries at all, you made me feel like I was your plaything and that I had no safe place. Yeah you werent some old greasy stranger trying to rape me, but you were someone I was supose to trust, and I did for some time, but you became too much for me. Youre still too much for me.

Im so happy that you are moving on from me and I hope to God you actually do, you deserve good people in your life, so Ill keep my distance, cause Im not a good person around you, you dont deserve my shit.

Theres more Id like to write down, Im sure, but for now this is enough and made me feel a bit better, so Ill continue my evening with my popsicle and occasional discord spams. Good night you who happens to read this, Ik Im an ass dw.