lathal · 2 years ago
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Ya’ll ever meet someone who makes you want to smash your head through a wall?
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canarymemories · 7 months ago
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the long awaited nui izlo rambling is finally here!! leaving it all below the read more bc. i don't know how to shut up
(i'm copy pasting this w little to no edits from a twt thread so. sorry if the formatting is icky kasdgh)
this fic was brought to u by 1. my own darling nuis and my izumi nui does have a tear by his eye and 2. leo merch collector is such a fun concept to me
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the concept of izumi being in italy while leo is away was something that lived in my head for a while ngl and there was a point where this was going to be a meowzart fic, like izumi moping around the apartment and meowzart being her cute little self. i think at one point i did have a sort of companion piece if you want to call it that, like leo would be the one at the apartment w izumi out of the country (also a meowzart fic) and the only part i actually wrote for that is what I lovingly call ace izlo
also. back to my izunui for a minute, I did try to do surgery on him but the eye embroidery is too thick to do w just a normal little sewing needle 😔😔 but he's my darling little guy and he's perfect the way he is, I just have to be careful with him 🥺
anyway! let's start w the title. this song I think is the reason I started writing mushy lines towards the end lmao, it's izlo coded to me, like pls consider (it's also in my bb playlist ✌ idk it's so izumi -> leo to me)
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I make it my life's goal that izumi never knows one second of peace lmao (also somewhat unrelated, i do have this wip idea of their dormmates having to deal w them bc i think it's funny and. i miss that idea (is fully capable of still writing it))
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i feel like this point comes up in . so many of my wips (I think it's honestly just me feeling like it does but. still) and I just,,, man post checkmate, the way you live in my head
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izumi is so. easily swayed when it comes to leo (thank u rhythm tourism for confirming that for me <33) (I like to think that leo is somewhat aware of this fact) but yeah that comes up so much in this fic and I think it's so fun bc. sorry to say but izumi is such a loser
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izumi cardboard cutout is such a funny one to me, leo would so have one. anyway, reloaded reference 🎉 also. the izumi calendar being a canon thing might be one of the best things happyele has done, unfortunate I'm p sure they'll be skipping it in engstars 😔
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I feel like I'll end up forgetting to mention it, but like recital, the way izumi refers to leo nui changes over the course of the fic (aka after day five, izumi starts referring to leo nui w gendered pronouns fkdksl) they had a bonding moment <33
this is probably my favorite part of the fic ngl like honestly. I don't even think I can make fun of izumi here bc I think something that grossly domestic would fix me too (but it's still so funny to be like. izumi wakes up in a bad mood and his first thought of how to fix it is to imagine a whole scenario w leo that is soft but. maybe he really is onto something)
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the day three naruritsu call is bc i started writing nui izlo last august which was a month before nrrt week and they were in my head so bad (they haven't left). and then I was like haha what if I write the date for nrrt week before the fic is finished. and now this year it's like,, haha what if i (hopefully will actually write the date this time but also. as a small aside, the concept of arashi having to be straight up told it's a Real Date and not a friend date is so good in this essay i)
this is supposed to be bc they're not speaking a language izumi personally knows how to speak, so only certain words make sense think of it when you hear someone speaking another language and there's loan words or cognates that you recognize even if u don't know what's being said
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I said it in the a/n but this part and all of day five is that even though they're past the events of checkmate and everything that came from it, things aren't magically like. Perfect, yk? like they found their way back to each other and knights didn't fall apart but that doesn't mean that everything that happened then doesn't bother them to some extent. like just look at next door and mr they can't know i care taking the earliest flight to japan w limited knowledge of what's going on + leo leaving in the first place bc of an argument like I can go on for a while (so much of ! was izlo figuring shit out bc of what happened between them so i mean,, it's definitely still prominent in their lives even if it's in the past).
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he's funny for being like wait can someone hear me rn, their conversation is happening in japanese lmao
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happy brief trans leo mention, this part also makes me so like. giggles kicks feet and idk why exactly. anyway leo is trans, it just never really comes up in my writing so fkxksl (is anyone in knights really cis? the answer is no)
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day five aka the radio silence day is so,,, I wanted to have a day like this in here but I felt like I was being a little dramatic abt it but i was like well. izumi knows that leo is probably busy and they're in a better space now, but all things considered, I do think he'd worry. I mean izumi is worrier #1 but fkdks that's not the point. by this point, he has mostly stopped blaming himself for checkmate but u do have to realize that next door did happen and he did make leo leave that time, that one was all him so,, but even outside of that, I don't think izumi is like. Concerned about it every time that leo stops talking to him or is out of the country, but in this situation, he already misses leo and they'd talked for a while the day before then to wake up to hear absolutely nothing is not fun. (i probably have more but idk where i'm going w this rip) I just think there's something there, yk? like idk they're a little (very much) attached to each other
requiem reference (izumi will never live it down sorry). was going to talk abt their relationship and the use of partner rather than boyfriend but. idk.
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niki's kitchen is such a funny circle to me bc they really just. have a signed framed picture of izumi there for the meetings so gkdksm obligatory mention (plus I do think izumi is Aware that niki knows what he's doing in the kitchen so he'll actually take his advice)
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when I was planning this fic out, this part was going to be a little different; izumi wasn't going to realize he had leo nui until he was in the store and he looks down into the bag and there's a little guy in there but mckslsl
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I think this is so cute and I'm specifically pointing it out so you all agree w me. like idk izumi would think leo's dumb alien shirts r so fucking ugly but that's the first thing he's putting on when leo is out of the country for any extended period of time
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reference to something in recital I haven't written yet (the concept of a person being your home rather than a place and what it means when you destroy that person and you're left without anyone to return to :) )
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this part has been in my head for Months, like nearly since I started it. like,,, man I wish I could draw without having a meltdown bc I hate it bc,,,, the soft leo in my head in this part makes me want to eat glass (also haha izumi sena grossly in love)
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I think that's everything,,, (is probably most definitely forgetting about something)
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mystech-master · 1 year ago
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depressing stuff bellow
Has anyone ever felt the weight of mortality hit them all at once?
A few weeks ago I got another bit of my parents saying that one of our dogs is old.
I mean yeah he's like 13-15 or around that age (no older) and he was having some leg trouble but he hasn't been like that ever since and he is still active a little bit.
Then there is my 83 y/o grandma. I go over to her house every week to mow her lawn and, for a creature of habit who isn't fond of change, she has become a constant in my life that I enjoy. Especially because I like being able to talk to her. Life expectancy says I might have maybe 5 more years with her, and I really hope so, but I get worried about her sometimes. I joined my family Wordle email chain b/c she usually sends her results first, and it lets me know she is okay. With how much of a constant presence she's been lately, I feel like she will be the next family death that hurts the most. Every other family member has only been someone I've seen only seen like 1-2 times a year. I get worried that one day I am going to go over to her house and be the one to find her gone.
Then there is me, 24 y/o about to be 25. My dad has been talking with me about moving out next year and I know it is a necessary part of life. But, lately, I have been feeling like it will just be a straight shot to the grave. Like all that time will just fly by, I lose everyone I know, and then.....darkness.
I WANT to believe in the afterlife, but the realistic part of my brain says we are just the electrical/chemical reactions in our brains, and when it's over we just cease to be.
I want my parents to be here as long as possible, but I feel like my Dad has more of a chance than my mom. He works out a lot and stays healthy, which is why I was worried about his foot surgery a while ago, but my mom smokes and coughs a LOT. She says she's fine but IDK if she is just saying that because she doesn't want to quit.
I have been trying to distract myself with my usual internet binging but just when I think I've left these thoughts behind they come back. I mean a lot of this stuff isn't for a couple-a few decades from now hopefully, and I have had a lot of changes in my mentality in the past 20 years of my life. After all we don't focus on the later death we focus on our living now.
But it doesn't make it any less scary.
I hope I can get over this feeling in the next few months.
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jacfletch · 6 years ago
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so idk if this is a silly question but I've been reading your fics (which are amazing btw) and I was wondering how do you see Jac's mental health? or how do you think Fletch sees it (ik he doesn't know enough to really know but he was there when she her anxiety attack)
thank you!
my very first instinct to this question is to say that i don’t think jac has a “diagnosable illness” like depression or anxiety. personally, i don’t think she displays any of the usual symptoms of either besides her one on screen panic attack, but having only one doesn’t justify a whole diagnosis imo. i think it’s possible that she has some kind of personality disorder but i only have about 2 semesters worth of psych classes under my belt and i’m really not comfortable throwing words around like i know what i’m talking about, so i won’t do that. 
that being said, 100% its possible to talk about mental health without putting a specific label on it. i’d say that jac has bad mental health, which i believe is due to her traumatic childhood (where she lacked the resources to learn things like emotional maturity (and just to be clear, i dont think she lacks maturity in general or that i think shes emotionally immature, just that she’s bad at identifying her emotions and expressing them in healthy ways) which isn’t to say that i think all kids with absent/neglectful/abusive parents and/or guardians are that way, but we have contextual evidence to support jac’s lack of emotional support from her guardians). i do think she has some symptoms that coincide with “diagnosable illnesses” like a lack of self worth & grandiosity, general mood swings, irritability, fear of abandonment, self destructive behavior, etc etc etc. a lot of things have gotten better over time (like, in earlier seasons she had wildly erratic behavior with little care as to how it affected her and the people around her, but now she has permanent relationships with emma, sacha, fletch, etc. and knows that if she’s doing something dangerous, that its not just her that deals with the consequences or even facing consequences at all.) 
speaking for jac as she is now in 2019, i think that lack of self worth combined with narcissism is her biggest struggle. Professionally, she believes that she’s the best that there ever was or will be, but personally, i don’t think she likes herself. for the past year or so, we’ve seen more as a patient than we have as a doctor, which has taken a massive toll on her. if she believes that her worth comes from her surgical skills, then removing herself from it will— and has— made her feel worse emotionally. we’ve seen a couple of scenes where she says she thinks that being a good doctor is all that she has and that if she can’t operate, then she’s worthless. she knows that shes a great doctor, which is where her narcissism comes in, but she also hates herself personally, which i think feeds into the narcissism as well. you ever heard that saying thats like “i think that i’m the worst, so i act like i’m the best”? That’s how i would describe her.
now, i’m having difficulty forming my thoughts into a concrete statement, but i think it’s possible that somewhere along the way growing up, she learned that being the best at academia and succeeding professionally made her worthy of love and would, eventually, result in people needing her, which is where i think her fear of abandonment comes in. her narcissism makes her hard to work with as a person, but she knows that she’ll never be “unworthy” of people’s time because she’s good at her job. yes, she’s mean and yes, she pushes people to their limit, but the hospital needs her because she’s the best that there is and, subsequently, she will never be abandoned by her job. she will always be jac naylor, M.D., and she thinks that she will always be at the top of her field, which is why when other people come in and challenge how good she is, she takes it to heart and acts irrationally in order to compete with them and show off her skills to prove that shes better than them.
right now, she’s in a weird place because she’s just gotten off her year long stint as a patient and now has/had frieda, zosia, and kian (i assume) coming in and telling her that she’s not as ahead of the game as she used to be, so i think she’s struggling
there are obviously other complexities at play here. she has a child and her fears of abandonment are both upscaled and downscaled. upscaled, because she worries that emma will love jonny & his new wife more than she loves her. downscaled because she intrinsically knows that emma will always love her and will, hopefully, never abandon her. she also has her relationship with sacha and though at first she pushed him away, he’s proven that her fear of him abandoning her is unfounded because she’s pulled some pretty wack shit while he’s been around and he’s still her best friend. and fletch, whom she pushes away because she’s afraid that she’ll ruin their relationship if they become romantic, and she doesn’t want to be left again. 
there are some other things i wanted to mention but i lost an entire train of thought, so unfortunately all i can say about that is that she pushes people away before they can push her away, like in the case of jonny and jasmine. you can’t get hurt if no ones around to hurt you lol. 
in regards to how fletch sees jac’s mental health, i think he sees her as a (forgive me for being corny) strong independent woman. he’s said that he’s seen her at her lowest and watched her pick herself up in ways he didn’t think was possible and put her life back together. he saw her panic attack and helped her through it. he also saw her recover after being shot and then recover after all of her subsequent surgeries. and i think he does know that jac puts on a brave face and acts like shes the best because she’s covering up her own insecurities, but hes not worried about her in the sense that he feels the need keep a watchful on her, but maybe he checks in with her every once in awhile to make sure she’s not in a bad place or just to be someone to lean on in case she needs it
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mikelogan · 2 years ago
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OK now I'd love to see what headcanons or whatever you have for Turk, cuz you bring up interesting points. I was actually thinking the other day about how they had him be religious for like, an episode. Plus, the song they used in that ep about 3 O.D.'s, 2 shattered skulls, and a drunk who drove into a tree got stuck in my head lol
lmao that song is gold 😂 still mad it's not on spotify tbh
anyway, as far as Turk hcs go, I typically follow two separate trains of thought. The first (and my favorite and most likely) is either Turk gets JD out of a Bad Situation OR walks in on JD giving himself a T injection and JD can't not tell him. He and Turk end up sitting on his bed while JD tells him absolutely everything bc once he starts, he can't stop until he gets it all out. And he just hopes with everything he has that Turk isn't going to be weird about it. He doesn't expect Turk to Get It, but I figure this is during their second semester at college (and in my own canon, JD gets top surgery during the summer between their 1st and 2nd years of college and Turk is there with him through everything). Anywho, Turk definitely doesn't get it right away and ends up making some stupid comments out of ignorance rather than actual hatred. Things are a bit strained between them for a while before JD happens upon this stack of books by Turk’s stuff and it's all about sexuality and gender and he realizes Turk is trying to understand?? And it means the world to him. Idk if he'd tell Turk he saw the books, but things gradually get better and it's not like JD is adverse to answering Turk’s questions, but sometimes they're a little off-base or make him a little uncomfy. But it helps knowing that Turk isn't doing it to hurt or upset him. He's asking bc he wants to learn and understand and avoid saying the wrong thing bc he already knows JD is his best friend for life.
Second option is much angstier and I explored it in my fic My Heavy Meddle -- which I loved writing, but it was something I probably won't do again. Mostly bc I love Turk being distrustful of Perry at first bc of who he is as a person and how he's treated JD in the past -- not bc it's a guy x guy thing. Like it's very much canon that Turk isn't exactly comfortable with the Gays TM (though will be in heaven drinking milkshakes on the lesbian cloud 😒), but that fic took it a step further. JD never told Turk that he was bi or trans and kind of operated on an ignorance is bliss sort of thing, and everything escalated and ended with Turk almost getting Perry fired and he and JD no longer being friends. So while I enjoy Turk presenting a bit of an obstacle at first for JDox out of protectiveness for JD, this was a bit of a foray into basically leaning into the homophobic aspect.
So hopefully its obvious why I prefer the first option WAY more, but once again, it was interesting to write it another way and you know how I love my angst 🙃
As far as the religious aspect, I think a lot of what Turk thinks about The Gays TM is stuff that he grew up hearing? Idk if we ever hear anything about his dad now that I think about it, and we only saw his mom once (minus the Morgan freeman freckles comment courtesy of Elliot 😂) but I don't get super homophobic vibes. I think a lot of it was just pure ignorance on his part and the fact that he'd never been exposed to anyone who wasn't straight until JD -- at least as far as Turk knew a that point. And JD just knocked it out of the park by being trans AND bi 😂 we stan a king
ANYWHOMST I hope this is at least somewhat coherent bc I've been having a v v rough time and I just like to talk about this show lol
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