#he has to have sent essek Because it's astrid Because he needed someone that can match her not only in power but in

[wizardnuke]

i'm so thrilled at essek's characterization. seven years in he is still flaunting his powers and mocking people. threw mean little barbs into every single line he said to astrid just for the hell of it. he is better he is not good. no one is asking him to be good, i would think least of all caleb

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E131 (March 30, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Sam Riegel!

Brian points out that a lot of Caleb’s greatest fears have come to pass. Liam: “It’s funny, because he’d kind of believed for a while that those things weren’t going to happen. After a while, he got complacent.” He notes that it was extra wild because everything with Trent popped up again in the midst of that complacency. And how did it feel to be defiant toward Trent? “I think Trent successfully made Caleb question if Caleb really was in control“ at the dinner party. “I feel like anything that I do is part of his plans for me, or is that just gaslighting? I’m legitimately scared of that dude.” Sam: “Of Matt?” Liam: “Sure.” He highlights the disconnect between knowing that the M9 is mechanically powerful and could possibly defeat Trent in a dice-and-stats battle, versus fearing him in a story sense and being convinced he can do almost anything.

Sam, on Luc’s death: “That was brutal, man. Matt Mercer is a-- he hates children! Clearly. He actively sought to kill a child in the campaign in as brutal a way as possible. He hates children and wants them dead. Canon. No, but to RP, that was horrible.” He highlights that so much of Veth’s arc has been about trying to get back to her family. “We had to choose something and we thought we were making the right choice. It was all Veth’s fault, and it was pretty rotten. My heart was beating pretty fast, and I certainly didn’t want to have my son die live on the stream. I don’t know what Veth would have done. That’s the end, that’s over. It’s almost worse than when your own character would die. This is something that would also kill Veth.” After the episode was over: “just shaken. I also didn’t know what to do next! That felt like a turning-point moment for my character, weirdly so close to what we assume to be the end arc of this campaign. I texted Matt later that night and was like, that’s it, Veth’s out, I’m tapping out.”

There’s an interlude in which Sam discovers a new dream to record an episode of this show from his Peloton. Dani informs him that she will not be inviting him back.

On Astrid, Liam: “I literally don’t know what she’s doing. I know that she’s dangerous, she always was ambitious, and there’s not been a moment where Caleb let his guard down with her. He’s not trying to reestablish what they had. He cares for the both of them, for Astrid and Eodwulf. He thinks about it a lot, still. He can’t tell how much she buys into everything that she experienced and is now living as a full-grown adult. He suspects that she’s bought in and is not going to change things, because she believes in the system, as much as he’d like to peel her away. He does believe that they want what’s best for the Empire, and stopping whatever wants to come vomiting out of a hole in the frozen north is good for everyone. And they’re powerful. They’re not trustworthy, obviously. But there’s enough at stake to make it worth it. He could imagine a situation where they fight each other to the death.” He was convinced Astrid was going to stop them when they left the tower and was really shocked when she held back. Sam: “Not me! I’ve trusted Astrid since day one. She’s the greatest! I sent a letter to her, she’s very nice, I think you guys would be a nice couple. I believe every word she says.”

On having to decide on Veth deciding to go off and save the world after Luc’s death. “Like I said, I was ready to be done. And then I decided somewhere in there that that’s not very D&D. So I thought I’d leave it up to somebody else, so I asked Caduceus to decide for me, essentially. She knows she’s putting her other family in danger if she doesn’t go. It’s an impossible choice, you know?” Liam: “I love watching you grapple with it, because you’re a lovely father and love your kids.”

On the Sanatorium, Sam: “That was brutal, man. Matt lulls you into a sense of complacency. We’d forgotten that Caleb was a stone-cold killer! It had been a while since he went on a murder spree. Still got it!” Liam: “I never meant for this character to be perfect sunshine.” Brian: “You don’t say.” Liam: “He’s very not-perfect, and I think in his brain, he was going in with the impression that they needed to get in and get out as soon as possible. The place is crawling with people with magic ability, and I didn’t have faith that we wouldn’t be sussed out or something wasn’t going to blow an illusion.” Everything was about getting out of there as fast as possible.

Did the conversation with Yeza help with Veth’s decision? “First of all, every conversation with Yeza is a beautiful one. Every time she talks to Yeza, it makes her feel good. In some ways, she’s gotten to the point now where she knows Yeza’s going to be supportive, she knows he’s going to allow her to do what she wants, but maybe that’s too much. Maybe she needs to not listen to him, basically, and be like, no, you need to be selfish now, dude, you need to say ‘come home, I’m sick of you leaving’. At a certain point, being supportive can turn into being enabling.”

Cosplay of the Week: Jester in the snow! (liljerbear47, photography by kairiceleste on Instagram)

On Trent’s motivations for chasing Caleb: “I really don’t know. The simplest explanation is to just hammer down the nail that’s sticking up. It has crossed his mind that all high-level wizards are in danger of their own ambition and egos, so it’s occurred to him that Trent might have the same kind of ideas that Halas had in the past, and maybe Caleb was always meant to be another body to jump into. Maybe in some sick, disgusting, twisted way, he wants him to be his successor. I am thinking of the next campaign, without getting too deep in, trying to do something that is much more ride-along. Caleb is very, very specific, and I thought long and hard about all the different pieces on the chessboard for him. For campaign three, I’m looking forward to seeing what happens.”

Dani: “Do I need to be keeping lore on your fucking ads?”

On the cursed dagger: “It was a tricky one, because in campaign one, one of the characters was under the influence of a cursed weapon, but it interacted with him and he knew what it was and what it did. And it affected his gameplay as a character. For me, Veth didn’t know what it was, ever. I as a player knew what it was doing, but Veth didn’t know at all. So it was kind of like my dirty, dark secret for many months. I knew this thing was coming perilously close to killing me, but my character didn’t know enough to bring it up to her friends. Nobody ever asked! So I was like, well, I guess this thing’s just going to kill me one day, and it’s kind of going to be a surprise.” Liam: “Sam, you love danger and self-destruction so much, you might as well be Mollymauk.”

On the fight in Yasha’s sequence, Sam: “You gotta put a character in your storm giant creature. It was so fun! It was so great of Matt to involve us in this encounter. It would’ve been fun just to watch, because Matt would have made it amazing and Ashley was sweating bullets, which is always fun to watch.” Sam notes he felt guilty, but Liam was going for the kill. Liam: “Matt’s gotta be careful about giving me that kind of story beat. I do not fucking care, I just fucking flip, I’m like, well, I’m going to destroy you, and I have no qualms about it. It’s too much fun!”

The Beau/Yasha tower date was in part inspired by not being able to give gifts as easily this last year. “This thing that we do together is a gift, but I love finding these moments, like the book for Jester and the tower for Yasha and for Beau. I really just wanted to give both of them a little magic for a night. I wanted them to leave this-- we’re trying to be as entertaining as possible, but shit is having an effect on all of us too, and I wanted them to have an escape, a great place to escape to.”

Fan Art of the Week: an amazing group shot, plus Marion, Yeza, and Luc! (vocaz on Twitter)

On choosing Essek over Trent, Liam: “It would have been so interesting and awful and great! Essek and Astrid and Eodwulf are everything that Bren used to be attracted to that are terrible for him. Essek, hopefully he can with time find a way out of the hole that he dug himself into, but it was only two months ago where he was found out and his ambitions came crashing down around him. Long-term, I have high hopes for him, but I think it’s going to be hard.” In contrast, Astrid and Eodwulf are still “deep in the shit. It would have been really hard to navigate, but fun to play at the table. We made the right choice with what we went with. Essek’s just getting started, and Caleb doesn’t trust him entirely, because he was burned so hard not too long ago. He’s still more trustworthy than the other three. So it’s the better choice. While Caleb has all these ties on the other side, they’re really fucking dangerous. So if you have to choose, you choose Essek. But fuck that die.” Sam: “Veth, much like Sam Riegel, makes instant decisions about whether to trust someone or not and sticks to it forever. Astrid, 100% trust. Eodwulf, 100% distrust. Essek, completely distrust. I still don’t think he’s a good guy. Ikithon? Trust. 100%. Because you know where he’s coming forward, you know what he wants. I still want him dead, but I trust him.”

On Veth’s post-adventuring plans: “Veth is probably still too in it right now to think about what comes next. I, Sam Riegel, have a good idea of what I want Veth to do post-campaign.” Brian: “Maybe you shouldn’t tell us. Save it for the show!” Sam: “All she knows is she can’t do this anymore. It’s very unhealthy to be battle-wounded every other day. It’s fun for a while, but college has to end at some point, and she’s gotta go home.”

On Frumpkin changing appearance and returning to the Feywild: “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but the way it feels now for Caleb is that he feels too enmeshed in everything that has happened, and too much good has happened, and too much needs to happened, that that really narcissistic, selfish goal has the risk of harming everything else, which is more important. And that’s how he looks at it now. So he’s gearing towards letting everything from the beginning of the campaign, and where he started, go, and trying to figure out what use he’s going to be now and what he’s going to do if they’re not all dead. If Matt throws that shit down, I don’t know what I will do, I think about it a lot. But turning Frumpkin white and saying you’re free either way is him preparing to let go of everything he’s been holding on to for a really long time. He’s addicted to that idea that he can fix himself, and we’ll see if that hard choice gets presented, what he might do. But where he stands now, he doesn’t think that’s going to be reality, and he sees a way that he can be of use that he never really anticipated before, so he’s slowly shifting gears towards living with the pain he was trying to remove.”

On the last request scene and confidence heading into Aeor, Sam: “I feel like that’s a good request. I think all of us realized that if we die, that probably bodes badly for the world. I feel like all of us are at a point now as characters and as friends, that the first order of business would be to take care of everybody else’s shit, although we probably have different ideas of how to do that.” Liam: “I want the Empire to be healed, Caleb has all these memories of his parents and what they wanted for the world, and he wants that too. It’s clearly not in place now, the system needs to be broken and replaced. That could be a part of Caleb’s sunset. I don’t want Caleb to die, so maybe he can work on that after. As everything starts to shake out and we start heading towards our destiny, Caleb’s just free-floating. He’s not even going after the same thing he started for. So he’s looking at Veth’s family, and Luc specifically, and seeing that’s me, that’s a little boy in the Empire.”

[stay-funky-ponyboy]

He opens the door.

A field of sunflowers is spread out before him. Sunflowers. He isn’t aware that such a flower existed, but he now knows it does.

He is somewhere in the Empire, but there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to where he really is.

He jumps as he steps onto the soft dirt. He isn’t wearing shoes. The feeling of his bare feet connecting with the ground is exhilarating. He soon shakes it off. He has no time to be considering how this feels nice. All he needs to do right now is focus on Caleb.

Maneuvering through a field of flowers that are familiar and unfamiliar to him at the same time is unnerving.

As he walks within the field, he can’t help but look around. Fingers brush past petals, and a flood of memories enters his mind.

Dirt underneath his feet, a cool breeze entering the atmosphere, he runs through the field.

He runs and runs until he sees sky and land, breaking through the obscurity of the tall sunflowers. He is now in grass, and on a hill.

The view before him overlooks below the hill, and he can see pastures and homes as far as his sight can take him, to the edge of the land right where it hits the beginning of a forest.

He wears rags, but it does not matter. He is free. He is young, and simply enjoying the feeling of being outside.

Essek blinks away the memory, and realizes he has escaped from the field.

He now stands on an incline, looking down at pastures stretching far and wide.

This is Blumenthal.

His hometown. Wait. Caleb’s hometown.

“Caleb… please. I don’t want to go through your memories, that feels like an invasion of privacy. If I can feel your memories, perhaps you can feel me here. Can you hear me?”

Essek glances around as he continues to talk out loud. There must be some sort of connection he can make here.

He is not one to go down memory lane, especially not to experience precious memories such as these. Ones that Caleb would value the privacy of.

Why does he feel everything Caleb has felt in the past? Is this because of the Wild Magic?

“Astrid and Eadwulf sent me here, to find you. Obviously you aren’t here, or else I wouldn’t be running around like a fool.”

Talk through it. He will keep on talking so he doesn’t feel like he is losing his mind. Which is ridiculous, considering he is within one’s mind. How can he lose his mind when he is in a safe place?

The back of his neck grows cold. He turns back, and swears he sees a shadow out of the corner of his eye.

It’s gone in an instant.

Can one go paranoid within someone else’s mind? He might just become a first hand case study of this phenomenon.

Essek snaps his fingers, attempting a cantrip. The gravity shifts beneath his feet, and he is brought upwards.

Thank the gods. He can float.

His bare feet are still showing, but they are his feet. Drow and clean.

Not human and dirty. Not like the memory he was just in.

If he goes through every single one of Caleb’s memories, he will be here forever. Or at least as long as the Dream’s duration, and he cannot risk this opportunity to slip out of his hands. He needs to get out of here.

Magic still works here, so that is a good sign.

He floats in an aimless direction, dreamscapes don’t seem to follow any stream of logic, so he will not do so either.

Memories. He needs to get away from the memories. They won’t lead him to Caleb. He must be somewhere else. But where?

He looks down at the ground. In a bit of a frustration, because so far his manifestation of the dreamscape has not bent to his will, he rips out a patch of grass.

The grass feels so real, in his hand. He drops the blades, and watches them fall uselessly to the ground.

He sits down on his knees, pawing at the grass, studying it, as if it will have all the answers in the world.

(this is a sneak peek for my wip where Essek uses a Dream spell to save Caleb who has been cursed into a deep sleep. surely nothing can go awry when dealing with a fey and wizard trauma...)

[iatethepomegranate]

A fic in which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, and learns how to be a person.

Chapter Summary: The sands of time stop for no one, and the Nein eventually go back to their separate lives. Caleb grapples with the responsibilities of his new position, invents the support group, and Astrid gives him some rather unsettling news.

Notes: Caleb and Essek's scene together is a little spicy, but not explicit. Chapter title is from In the Embers by Sleeping At Last.

*** Chapter 5: Like fireworks we pull apart the dark

Caleb was smiling when he got back home. Veth aimed her crossbow at him.

“Quick! Tell me something only Caleb would say!”

Caleb sighed and held up his hands in surrender; he should have expected this. “You almost inscribed a rune upside-down today. I lent you my spellbook.”

“I don’t know, man,” said Beauregard, lounging across Yasha on the couch and completely fucking with them. “An imposter could’ve interrogated Caleb and forced him to recount his day. Caleb is pretty squishy.” Caleb almost reminded her he had been taught to withstand torture, which he’d first told explictly her while compiling his testimony for Trent’s trial, but he didn’t want to ruin her fun.

“Oh, that’s very smart,” Yasha said.

“Thanks, babe.”

“Say something else,” Veth demanded. “Something not from today. How did we meet?”

“In prison. You stole a bottle of cherry wine. I had Frumpkin retrieve a piece of wire so you could pick the lock and then I set the jail on fire and screamed for help. The guards ran away and we walked out. We have been best friends ever since. You were also a goblin at the time.”

“But wouldn’t an imposter have asked about Caleb’s known associates?” Fjord supplied.

“Fjord, I can and will burn your hair off. And, unlike Aeor, it will not grow back overnight.”

“Ha!” Veth put her crossbow away. “Welcome back. Sit down. Cad’s making tea again.” She dragged him over to the blanket nest that no one had bothered to put away, and shoved him in it.

Essek poked his head out of the kitchen. “How was your meeting?”

Caleb didn’t want to get into it. “I took the job.”

“Woo!” Jester yelled from the kitchen. She poked her head out, just next to Essek. “Did Astrid like the cookies?”

“Ja. She says thank you.” Caleb felt fine, except from the fact he was fucking exhausted. He tipped his head back, landing on Beau’s shin, and closed his eyes. “Uh, Beauregard? She says to look into Headmaster Zivan Margolin, who is also the Archmage of Conscription. He’s a link to Trent. A weak one. Apparently he has been running his mouth about how he saw my potential from the beginning. Ludinus is uncomfortable with the implication and may throw him to the wolves to save his own neck.”

“I’ll pass it onto Yudala tomorrow. Take a nap while we wait for dinner.”

“The head of your school is also in charge of conscription?” said Fjord. “Wait. You’ve said this before.”

“A long time ago, ja.”

“Look, I’m only a few months old,” said Kingsley, who had been sprawled behind the couch the whole time, apparently. “And even I know that’s kinda fucked up.”

“No shit.” Caleb was half-sleep already, eyes closed. A small body curled up against him. Veth.

“Caleb, that’s really awful,” said Jester. “I’m so sorry.”

“Jester, I appreciate that, and I love you very much, but I am exhausted and cannot talk about this anymore.”

Caduceus saved him by bringing a tea tray into the room. “Let’s all unwind for a bit. Dinner will be ready soon.”

Caleb drank half his tea and fell asleep on Beauregard, who had to kick him awake for dinner. Well had to was a strong way to put it. Regardless, he shoved some food in his face and then went to bed with Essek.

****

Astrid sent him tidbits of information as more details of his professorship were finalised. He would assist Professor Weber with the beginner and intermediate Transmutation classes. He would also assist Professor Winterheart with the beginner Evocation class, due to his experience. He would also be on call to assist with other classes as necessary.

What really shook Caleb, however, were Bettina’s plans for Advanced Transmutation. She told him herself over coffee in the ex-smut shop.

“Astrid has assured me of your capabilities,” she said, stirring sugar into her mug. “And she’s of the mind that the Advanced students may need your guidance the most. You may end up with a few former Volstrucker students, if we can get them back in class.”

“That is a big if.”

“Ja. Would you talk to Astrid about it? I don’t want to overstep.”

“It has been on my mind. I will talk to her.” If Caleb hadn’t been dead on his feet last time they had spoken, he probably would have brought it up. It would take time to track all of them down, and Caleb had not been in the right headspace to handle that kind of work previously. But things were more stable now, even if he cried at the drop of a hat these days.

“Danke. Now, Advanced Transmutation. The advanced students start on the third week of term, so you will have had some time to find your feet. I want you to take the lead with them.”

“Bitte?” Caleb wasn’t sure he understood what she was telling him.

“I want you to teach the advanced students,” Bettina clarified. “I will be on hand if you need, but I think you can handle it once you have a few classes under your belt.”

“Bettina, I have no experience.” Caleb was about three wrong words from hyperventilating. This was ridiculous. And irresponsible.

“I know that’s not true, Mr Widogast. Sorry, Professor Widogast.” The slip was deliberate. Bettina used his first name most of the time. She was making a point of his new title. “Astrid has spoken to your expositor friend, who said you have been teaching magic to one of your friends for over a year, and that you helped her run a summer camp for adventurers in Nicodranas. Expositor Lionett also insists you are very good with children.”

“My friend’s young son, specifically. He is not a difficult child.” Well, Luc was a handful for his parents, but Caleb didn’t have to worry about controlling him like they did. “And… advanced students are teenagers, not toddlers.”

“I understand this is a lot to ask,” Bettina said evenly. “I am asking because some of these children have been through a lot. My inaction, whatever the truth of it, will not instill confidence. You put Trent in prison. You were an adventurer. You can relate to them. Not only can you be a safe person for them, but you are interesting. Teenagers respond best to people who are genuine, and genuinely interesting. Even the children who have not been pulled into Trent’s web have just been through a war. Some of them may have lost family.”

“Bettina, I appreciate you are trying to explain your reasons, but it is not helping.”

“I will be there in class for as long as you need my help,” Bettina promised. “I will only leave when you are ready. I promise. You can ask for help at any time. I will help you with your lesson plans and give you all the advice I can. You will be fine. I would not suggest this if I thought you couldn’t handle it.”

****

Caleb went back home after his meeting with Bettina. He was still worried, but he was having a decent day overall, so it wasn’t overwhelming him at the moment. He stepped inside Beau and Yasha’s side of the house, the scent of freshly baked bread filling his nostrils. It was almost lunchtime.

Most of the Nein had gone home by now, except Essek and Caduceus. They were in the kitchen with Yasha, inspecting a fresh loaf of bread on the counter. The top of it was sprinkled with rolled oats.

“I think it worked,” Caduceus said. “Ah, Caleb. Rye bread? Does it look right to you?”

It smelled like the Vollkornbrot Caleb remembered from his childhood. “Ja. This looks close to what my mother used to make.”

Yasha and Caduceus high-fived over Essek’s head. Essek’s nose wrinkled a little bit in a moment of endearing, petty irritation. Yasha cut the bread into slices and constructed a sandwich to take to Beau, who was at the Archive. She buttered a slice and shoved it into her mouth before she rushed out the door.

Caleb sat with Essek and Caduceus. The latter finished serving up the bread with a generous spread of butter.

“Did you start this last night?” Caleb asked. It was chewy as intended and tasted like home, maybe a tiny bit saltier, but that was fine.

“Yeah,” replied Caduceus. “You were pretty out of it. We looped Essek in once you were out of the house this morning. This one seems doable for Yasha to make without us. You might have to help her.”

“I can do that.” He used to help his mother with the bread whenever he was home. The memories were not too painful today, just an ache.

“How was your meeting?” Essek asked. He had been hesitant to leave Rexxentrum until Caleb was a bit more settled, but the hourglass was almost drained of sand.

“Good, I think.” Caleb chewed, mulling the whole thing over. “Professor Weber is giving me her advanced transmutation students.”

“You look worried,” said Caduceus.

“I am. It’s a lot of responsibility. She thinks the older students need me the most. As a safe person. I was their age when I… when everything went to shit. She thinks we may have a few survivors of the program in the class, and other students will have lost family in the war.”

Essek’s shoulders slumped. He ate quietly.

“And the Professor doesn't think she can be that person?”

“She insists she didn’t know what Trent was doing, but she expects the survivors will only see the face of someone who didn’t help them.”

“That is very self-aware of her. Do you feel that way?”

“No. But I’m not seventeen years old.”

“True. Well, I think you have the tools to help the kids, if you feel up to it.”

“I… maybe. Bettina said she’ll help me in class until I don’t need her anymore.”

Caduceus nodded slowly, with a smile. “You’ll be great.”

****

Essek and Caduceus had dinner at the house, and intended to spend a few more hours there before teleporting to the Blooming Grove, where Essek would trance before heading off in the morning, only short of one big spell instead of two. Caleb almost wanted to ask him to burn a second spell to trance here instead, but he knew Essek found the Grove calming. And one of the few places he didn’t have to worry about the Dynasty or the Empire. Caleb wouldn’t take that from him.

But they had a bit of time, which Caleb and Essek spent in their room together. Caleb let a few of his dancing lights float around the space, so he could see Essek for the last time in who knew how long.

“You were better today,” Essek said softly, slowly unbuttoning Caleb’s shirt.

Caleb watched him concentrate on the buttons, memorising his tiny frown that also graced his face when focusing on intricate spellwork. “Being here is getting easier. Thank you for the bread.”

Essek chuckled softly. “I did very little.” He pushed Caleb’s shirt off his shoulders. “But I’m glad it made you happy.”

“The best bread is the kind made by someone I love.” He shivered a little in the cold. Essek pressed his lips to Caleb’s shoulder, remaining there as the seconds ticked away. Caleb got to work on Essek’s shirt, finding the strings on the back through sheer muscle memory. He picked the bow apart and slowly unravelled the lacing. He pulled Essek’s shirt over his head and kissed his collarbone.

They had a few more hours. Caleb intended to treasure every second Essek could give him.

Essek pulled Caleb’s ponytail free and ran his fingers through the braids he had made that morning until they twisted apart. He cradled Caleb’s head as they kissed. Vulnerability between them had been hard won, and now it was as easy as breathing. Easier, sometimes.

They separated, and Essek slowly dragged his thumb across Caleb’s lower lip. “I will message you every day I can.”

“You better. Or I will hunt you down.”

Essek smirked, and it did things to Caleb. “And if I misbehave? Will you give me detention, Professor?”

“Essek, I love you, but never say that again.” Caleb shut him up with another kiss. “I do not want one of my last memories of you to be… that.”

“Not so adventurous after all,” Essek teased.

“We are not bringing our professions into the bedroom. That will not go well for either of us.”

“Hmm.” Essek’s eyes were distant for a moment. “You are… not wrong. Whenever I hear the word Shadowhand, I think of my mother.”

“Could be worse,” Caleb said dryly.

Essek wrinkled his nose. “Yes. Well. That has killed the mood.”

“I can fix that. May I?”

Essek sat back on his hands, raising an eyebrow. “Do your worst.”

“Challenge accepted,” Caleb murmured. He shoved Essek onto his back, straddling his hips. Essek was a lot smaller than Caleb, though the force of his personality and his floating cantrip had once hidden that reality. Now, however… Caleb could keep Essek in place with his weight alone. And Essek liked it when he used that objective fact to their benefit.

Essek’s lips parted, and it took him ten seconds of shallow breaths to find his voice. “Challenge completed,” he said breathlessly.

“It’s one of my many skills, Liebchen.” Caleb knew his voice became extra husky when aroused, and he knew how much it broke Essek’s brain.

Essek opened his mouth again, but nothing came out except a soft, breathy laugh. He reached up and pulled Caleb’s hair until Caleb leaned down and kissed him hard. The throaty mmph noise from Essek was satisfying as fuck. It was very easy to get Essek aroused at the right moment. The harder part was finding that moment. He was sensitive to Caleb’s emotions, and it was hard for him to get in the mood if he had even the slightest inkling Caleb was not having a good day. For now, at least, it meant what sex they did have only happened under the best circumstances. It was a far cry from the last relationship Caleb had been in, where most of the sex had been after a bad day, all three of them on the brink of falling apart.

Caleb pulled back a little bit to lightly brush his fingernails across the sensitive skin of Essek’s lower abdomen, just above his remaining clothing. Essek’s breath hitched.

“Caleb. Please.” Essek was flushing red beneath the purple of his skin, turning it a lovely plum tone. Caleb kissed his stomach, and slowly undressed him like a long-anticipated present he was afraid to break. Essek squirmed beneath him, no matter how hard he tried to hold still to make the job easier.

“What do you want, Kätzchen?” Caleb said quietly, stroking the inside of Essek’s bare thigh. Caleb never used terms of endearment like this in casual conversation. He liked to save it for special moments, specifically because he knew it broke Essek’s brain very badly to be called things like kitten or sweetheart in Caleb’s own tongue.

Essek let out a shaky breath; his violet-blue eyes were half-lidded and he was out of his fucking mind. “I want… anything. Everything. You. I can’t think.”

“I know,” Caleb said, sliding off the bed, just out of Essek’s reach. “I like it that way.” He slowly unfastened his pants, watching Essek twitch in a half-aborted attempt to move closer to him. “Stay right there.” He let them drop, kicked them aside, finished undressing. He lingered out of reach until Essek bit his lip, gazing up at him with a silent plea. Only then did Caleb climb back onto the bed, settling between Essek’s shaking legs. “Let me take care of you, ja?”

Caleb caught Essek’s lips in a messy, breathless kiss as their bodies fit together at long last.

Later, they lay together under the covers. Caleb had extinguished his lights. Essek could see him perfectly well. Caleb had almost left the lights on so he could drink in Essek’s features for a little while longer, but he was sluggish and borderline mindless from his most recent orgasm. He would rather spend what little concentration he had on running his fingers across Essek’s features so he had a few more memories to keep him warm until they could meet again.

“I will stay until you fall asleep,” Essek said softly. “Then, I will message you tomorrow after I leave the Grove.”

Caleb hummed quietly, not trusting his voice beyond that. This goodbye was hard every time.

“I’m proud of you, Caleb.” Essek kissed him, and then pressed their foreheads together. “You will be an incredible teacher. You already are.” Caleb swallowed against a lump in his throat. He was not going to cry. He was not going to make this harder for Essek than it needed to be.

Somehow, he managed to find his voice. “I finally had a good example.”

Essek chuckled softly. “That may be the one thing in my life I did right.”

“It’s an important thing you did right, but not the only one.” Caleb found his hand, twining their fingers together. His grip would slacken in sleep, letting Essek extract himself without too much difficulty.

“I try to remember that. Thank you. Get some sleep.”

Caleb didn’t want to close his eyes, knowing Essek wouldn’t be there in the morning. But Essek had to leave sometime, and he was giving Caleb every moment he could spare. So Caleb closed his eyes and relaxed into the pillow.

“I love you, Essek.”

“I love you, Caleb.”

Sometimes they didn’t need to say it. It was always true, whether or not they put it into words. Tonight, however, they both felt just a little more fragile, a little more vulnerable, and the words helped.

And then Caleb slept. The last thing he remembered was Essek’s fingers dancing sweetly in his hair.

****

Waking alone, Caleb tried not to be too dour in the morning, but given Yasha kept trying to find things around the house to keep him busy, he was clearly not doing a good job. He had to meet with Astrid (and probably Wulf) later in the day to discuss work some more, and he needed to bring up the Volstrucker survivors. Maybe Astrid had already been working on contacting them, but it wasn’t clear. It needed to be.

For now, however, he let Yasha drag him out to the garden. He liked having his hands in the soil, coaxing life out of the earth. After dealing so much death in this world, it was nice to put life back into it. He knew Yasha felt the same. It also let him reminisce about some of his less painful memories of home. Planting green beans with his mother.

It was also a little easier to bask in the afterglow of last night out here in the sun.

“Did you have a good time last night?” Yasha asked. Caleb was glad Beauregard was already at work. She wouldn’t tease him, but he knew she would have to restrain herself.

“Ja,” Caleb said quietly.

“He’s soft with you. It’s lovely.” She watched him, and she saw a little too well. “You miss him.”

“A lot, ja.”

“You’re good for each other,” she said. “I’m glad you have him, even if it’s not all the time.”

Caleb knew his smile was incredibly sad, but it was a smile nonetheless. “Me too.”

Essek’s Sending reached him in that moment. “Hello, love. I have arrived at my destination in one piece. A little further away than intended, but unharmed. How’s your morning?” A slight pause. “I love you.” Ah, he’d realised he had three words left.

Full of warmth from the sun and Essek’s word economy, Caleb responded, “Hallo, Essek. Glad you are safe. I am gardening with Yasha.” She waved. “She says hi. We had leftover bread for breakfast. Talk soon. Love you, too.”

“That’s very sweet, Caleb.”

He chuckled, and it sounded a little more fragile than he would’ve liked. “Careful. I will start crying again.”

“Hey, that’s okay. I’ve been crying a lot, too. I think it’s a good thing.”

Maybe. Caleb found it too unsettling to have that view on it. He stood up from the ground, knees damp with morning dew, and dusted the grass off his trousers. Establishing a garden here, and actually putting his own hands in the dirt this time, felt permanent. Unless something went very wrong, they were going to be here for a long time.

Yasha hadn’t had a stable home for years, either. And she also had awful violence and loss baked into her past, and terrifying blank patches in her memory. It was easy to spend quiet time with her, because they understood each other in a way the others sometimes couldn’t.

They enjoyed a quiet cup of tea on the steps linking the back door to the garden. Yasha was partway through repairing the fence back here, and she insisted on working with it alone; magic would end the project too quickly.

The sun reflected in her whitening hair, glowing like the radiance inside her. She deserved all the gentle mornings; she wore them well. Yasha gazed out at the barest beginnings of their garden, and she smiled.

“This suits you,” Caleb said.

“I’m getting used to it,” she replied softly. “After so long, I get to just be a…” She caught herself. “Well. I’m not a wife.”

“For now.”

She chuckled. “For now. It’s nice here. I get to bake bread, and grow a little garden, and welcome the people I love when they come home. And I get to love whoever I want. That’s all I ever wanted.”

“You deserve it. You deserve peace.”

Yasha smiled into her teacup. “Beau tells me that every day. I think I’m starting to believe it. What about you?”

A short question, with a complicated answer. “Sometimes. I do not know if I will ever feel like I deserve this without reservation. It is getting easier. Having a mission helps, I think.”

“We can do this,” Yasha told him. She said it quietly, but with every ounce of determination she had. Yasha had a lot. Caleb was struck by her soft strength, as he often was. Letting oneself be gentle after years of violence and pain was one of the hardest things to do. Caleb knew that all too well.

Caleb held out his fist, and she bumped it. “Ja, we got this.”

And he actually believed it. If only a little bit.

****

Caleb had an easier time walking into Soltryce Academy this time. Starting from a far more energised and calm place than last time carried him through the memories. Entering Astrid’s office was still a little painful, but he was strong enough to handle it.

Astrid and Wulf were seated in armchairs in front of the fireplace, reading. There was a pile on the table between them, and evident gaps on the bookshelves. They had rarely gotten to read books from Trent’s personal collection. The silent fuck you was vindicating, even vicariously.

“The old man had some interesting material,” Astrid said in Zemnian, skipping over the pleasantries. They didn’t need them at this point. She messaged him frequently enough that it felt like they were simply picking up a briefly dropped conversation. They usually spoke Zemnian when they did not have non-speakers to contend with, and Wulf followed suit. They would occasionally borrow a word or phrase from Common if the sentiment worked better.

Wulf snorted. “Pretty dry reading. You’ll like it, Bren.”

Caleb shrugged. “Once a nerd, always a nerd.”

Wulf set the book on the table, stretching; his shirt rode up a little bit and Caleb kept his eyes on his face with a great deal of effort. “If you want more colourful reading, the smut shop you were asking about is on the north side of the market.”

“Kingsley asked me.”

“Uh-huh,” Wulf said flatly.

“Listen, you cannot flirt with all my friends and then take that tone with me.”

“Just did.”

Caleb resisted the somewhat mild urge to scream. Wulf and Astrid were both very good at putting him off-balance, in very different ways. “Whatever makes you happy, Wulf. Astrid, can we talk about Advanced Transmutation? I am going to explode if I don’t talk about this in the next ten seconds.”

Astrid had been watching his exchange with a cocked eyebrow, but she smoothed out her expression and gestured towards a third armchair, closer to the fire.

He sat down, holding one hand out towards the warmth. “Astrid, I say this with all the respect in the world: what the fuck?”

“The advanced classes are in a delicate situation,” Astrid replied. “Professor Weber and I want as many of the Volstrucker program survivors back in school as possible. You are a better person to work with them than Bettina, and with any students who lost loved ones in the war. She told you her reasons, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Then what is the problem?”

“Aside from my lack of qualifications and the fact I never technically graduated from the Academy?”

“Bren, your practical experience outweighs all of that. Bettina will help you with the rest.”

“Astrid suggested you take the advanced students,” Wulf said casually, leafing through another tome as if he wasn’t throwing a bomb into the conversation.

Caleb felt an ache in his gut, and he had to close his eyes and compose himself. “Astrid. Why?”

“The Academy is about to throw those children into the world,” she replied quietly. “Whatever lessons you wish to impart, you have to impart them now. Not only that, but Bettina is not well-suited to teach survivors of the Volstrucker program. She has spent her entire life in the Academy. They will not take her seriously. Some may resent her for not doing something about the abuse happening right under her nose. She told you that.”

“How many survivors do you expect we will have?” asked Caleb.

“I am still trying to track them down,” Astrid replied, with an edge of frustration.

“I was meaning to talk to you about the Volstrucker.” Caleb had been racking his brain whenever he had the time and energy. There was no formal infrastructure to support the survivors of the program. If Caleb hadn’t met Veth, and then later the Nein, things could have gone very badly for him in so many different ways.

“Talk,” Astrid said.

“These people need help,” he said. “Unless we get that mental health support I asked for, we are effectively on our own. Even if the Assembly throws us crumbs, nobody can understand what it was like except others like us. We need to talk to each other. Regularly, if possible.”

Wulf’s eyes stopped scanning the page. “Do you really think Volstrucker will want to talk to each other about this shit?”

“Who else is there?” Caleb said plainly. “They--we deserve the chance to support each other. Regular meetings, if we can. A support group, I suppose. Low pressure. Just a group of people who understand each other going through yet another upheaval in a life filled with them.”

Astrid watched him closely, eyes narrowed in thought. “Interesting. I think I understand where this idea came from.”

“We got each other through a lot back in the day,” said Caleb. “But we weren’t equipped for it. There was no blueprint for what we were to each other, but we did our best. Until it wasn’t enough. And later, I had the Nein. I would not be here without them. I owe them everything. Not everyone has people like that.”

“I’ll find us a place and let you know,” Astrid said.

“Thank you.” Caleb had expected he would be a little emotional about it, so at least he was prepared to ward off tears. “Thank you so much.”

Astrid averted her eyes, gazing into the fire. “As for your job, most of the children in the program have been located. Some of their parents have pulled them out of school. I am… trying to talk them out of that. The last thing we need are traumatised, half-trained adolescents running around unchecked.”

Caleb was hung up on her wording. Most of the children had been found. “There are some unaccounted for?”

“Two. Felix and Nicolaus. They’re both seventeen.” Astrid didn’t need to point out why their age was a problem.

There was no time to panic; Caleb needed details. “What do we know about them?”

“I worked with them a little,” Astrid replied. “They are close, not unlike the three of us at their age. If we find one, we may find the other. They are from Blumenthal. The Crownsguard are keeping an eye out, but I do not trust them to handle this with the care this situation requires.”

“Specialisations?”

“Both Evocation.”

Caleb didn’t need to say aloud how bad this could be. Two missing Evocation wizards, on the edge of graduating the Volstrucker program, who had possibly had their memories modified and orders distributed. It had been a few months since Trent would have last had contact with them. The worst could already have happened. Then again, Caleb had been in Blumenthal not that long ago to visit his parents, and he hadn’t heard anything that would have given him pause.

“I was in Blumenthal a few weeks ago,” Caleb said. “If they followed through on an order, it was likely after that. I’d… like to think I would have noticed otherwise. Most people seem to agree that I am rather intelligent.” The dry humour probably wasn’t appropriate in this moment, but he needed to keep himself calm and sarcasm usually worked a treat. “In more recent times, I would assume word would have gotten back to you. Maybe we are not too late.”

“Optimism is a new look for you, Bren,” said Wulf.

Caleb would never call himself an optimist, but he could see why Wulf was uncomfortable, even if he hid it behind one part sarcasm and one part a veiled flirt. “Wulf, I have seen a lot of things in this past year alone that have… changed me. There was a time, not too long ago, when I did not expect to survive the week. And… look at us now. We are sitting here in Astrid’s office, reading Trent’s old books because he is stuck in a dark hole and cannot do anything to us. I spent the morning gardening with Yasha. My friends bought me a quilt because it reminded me of my mother. Things are better for me than they have been in a very long time. So, I am trying new things, like having hope sometimes.”

“Point taken,” Wulf murmured, averting his eyes. Tense. Uncomfortable.

“I’ll let you know as soon as I hear anything about the boys,” Astrid said. “Whatever happens… I think you should be there.

[gaawachan]

Critical Role 126 Discord Convo

Here, my sibling and I talked a bit about Veth, Caleb, the Cerberus Assembly, and Astrid/Wulf in particular (it starts out a bit goofy at first but gets serious): Sibling: Did you see that animatic I sent you, speaking of that scene?

Me: Yes

Sibling: Like, it'd be great to update it with Astrid and Wulf in a mound just behind the 9

Me: Lol, they would have seen the polymorphed worm, too... And the yeti friends... "They... built snowmen in balenpost?"

Sibling: And had to camp out while they disappeared into the wizard tower... the Beau-shaped hole in Balenpost lol

Me: There was a jester one too

Sibling: LOL. Like, a snowman... a snowman with 2 heads

Me: and sad faces

Sibling: One kicked over snowman and two human-shaped holes in the snowbanks. But seriously, there's no way someone isn't aware that Vess is dead. Her window was open, letting the snow come in

Me: Oh, the assembly knows. At the very least, Ludinus, Trent, and the scourgers definitely know. Astrid "thanked" Caleb because she's assuming he killed her, or she wants that to be the case, at least.

Sibling: Veth is totally missing the point. The writing is on the wall, Astrid is using the shit out of Caleb and I think, at the very least it might be an interesting DQ6 moment where when they come back from saving the world, Astrid's already taken Trent's place and they have to deal with it that way.

Me:  Yeah, it's very obvious, especially when you consider how Astrid and Caleb have similarities. Like... Astrid's panic attack in the alley reminded me of Caleb's breakdown in Shady Creek Run. Right after the manipulation is over and they're out of sight, they have a breakdown. Tbh... If Caleb were to replace anyone on the assembly, it shouldn't be Trent. It should be Ludinus. Ludinus is the root of the problems in the empire, pretty much everyone is certain at this point that that is the case. The king is evil but seems incompetent/useless.

Sibling: I wonder, honestly, if that'll be the conclusion to the M9? If Caleb's arc will conclude it?

Me: But at the same time I don't want him to be in the assembly; I don't think he WANTS to be.

Sibling: Rewatching the table scene *Veth: (to Wulf) "When the war was a bit more hot... Were you much more busy?" Wulf: "Not any more than yourselves." Veth: "No I mean, were you out on the lines like a soldier?" Wulf: "I'm not much of a frontliner... More of a scout, if you would."* Wulf is totally tailing them. Wulf is absolutely the person they sent after them, I'm certain of it.

Me: Yeah, I figured. There's going to be a confrontation in Eiselcross when they're traveling with Essek, I'm sure of it. That's gonna be rough.

Sibling: No, I know that, but it stuck out to me. I feel like Matt's dropping major hint bombs... ex vs current bf?

Me: I wonder if Essek has MET Wulf before.Sibling: I like Wulf more than Astrid.

Me:  Me, too.

Sibling: I think I'll be sad if he gets gravity crushed, but he better not lay a finger... on my butterfinger.

Me:  I mean, I feel bad for them both, but the problem is that they can't be trusted with power, and if the Assembly falls, they may try to seize power. Tbh I just don't see them surviving to the end and that's pretty sad.

Sibling: I could see Wulf being turned if the party spent more time on things, seeing as he seems to be more of a piece to be manipulated than a major player himself... but their focus is entirely on Trent and Astrid, which makes me think that he'll be canned.

Me:  Actually, I'm not so sure about that Wulf thing. I think he may be harder to reach in some ways. See the thing is... Astrid wants power.  That's understandable.  But it's not clear if she wants power for necessarily nefarious purposes or if it's just that the life of poverty she led before coupled with how much she's lost drives her to reach for it, and it's not clear what would satisfy her or whether or not she'd be interested in taking her life in a different direction, so that's complicated.

Me: But with Wulf... Wulf's issues are simpler, which I think arguably makes him harder to reach. Wulf and Astrid have both basically shrugged off their parents' deaths at this point, they've both indicated as much in different ways, but Wulf's a servant of the Raven Queen.  He can rationalize the death of anything and anyone under her banner.  Unlike Astrid, who is motivated by power/ambition, Wulf is the holy soldier... of the death god.  That's uh... zealotry.

Me: Worse still, he has religious motivations for going against those who use Dunamancy, which is likely an anathema to the Raven Queen. He was already following her when he was a teenager, because Caleb was looking to see if he had any symbols of her on him when they first reunited. Honestly I really don't think either of them can truly be reached unless Caleb DOES take over the assembly and even then they might do scummy stuff behind his back out of perceived necessity.

Sibling: If his motivations have been so tied up in his religion, it would make it very difficult to reach him, true. But Astrid seems to have invested so much into her ambitions that I wonder if she might try to quiet those talking her out of it. She seems very aware of her actions' consequences, unlike someone like Essek who had ambitions without understanding where his studies would take him. If they're left alive, which I don't think they will be, Caleb's best scenario would be to avoid the assembly as much as possible.

Me: Honestly at this point I feel like the entire government of the Empire needs to be cleared out and replaced, ideally by the Cobalt Soul.  Though that would be very controversial, I don't think any other organization can be trusted with filling that vacuum. The Soul is ultimately an international religious organization, but considering they have shown willingness to weed out corruption within their own ranks, it would be interesting if they pooled their resources and had the Empire taken over by a circle of vetted monks instead of corrupt mages, and then have them transition to a democracy eventually.

Sibling: Considering that Matt has reinforced that the Cobalt Soul is attempting to weed out its own corruption, but can't seem to do so for other organizations... I wonder how long it would last. At least they wouldn't have to operate in secret anymore. Maybe that would lift their final restriction?

Me: Well, the thing that really chafes at me with respect to Caleb potentially joining the assembly is that he just DOESN'T FIT THERE.  I've thought this before but Caleb would be more at home working for the Cobalt Soul than the Assembly.  He's been talking about burning out the rot in the Empire for ages now, and that's basically the goals of the expositors. I wouldn't object to him being involved in the Empire's government... as long as that government did not consist of anything resembling the assembly. A complete restructuring.

Sibling: I mean, you can't really rework the gov unless you're already in a position like Ludinus, but even then, Caleb I still feel like is not the person for that.

Me:  But let's be real, ideally he would be the head of the Soltryce Academy... and that's the thing... One of the problems with Wulf and Astrid is that you get the feel that they could rationalize doing anything.  And you have to wonder under all that rationalization and manipulation if there is any malice/sadism... there probably is, which sucks because Astrid is actually far better positioned to be an effective politician than Caleb; she's had experience around it for over a decade, she probably knows politics very well. Caleb is earnest and an excellent negotiator but he is not a politician. He would be best off as an ambassador, if I had to pick a political position for him to take.

Sibling: The government does still need to be overthrown for Essek to come hang out with Caleb though, so it must be done.

Me: It must be done. Looping back to Veth/Astrid... Here are some of the posts on Veth's behavior that I've seen. *posts a bunch of links* It's interesting... the Astrid thing. I haven't seen anyone else point this out, but... Veth probably sees Astrid as being Caleb's Yeza.  And if Caleb can go back to Astrid and be happy, it's like a test run for her going back to Yeza. Which is pretty messed up. He keeps telling her "Yes, I care for her, but we've both changed" and that's not something Veth wants to think about because it applies to her as well, except that... well, Yeza really hasn't changed.  Just her.

Sibling: 1) Ah, skirting her trauma by attempting to address what she sees as Caleb's? Addressing her issues by proxy? Overbearing mom living vicariously through her son...? ... That kind of makes my stomach churn, but I get it. 2) Another revenge perspective. Considering her knee-jerk reaction to kill people who've wronged her family or the party, I think revenge is totally an aspect that has gone unexplored for her. 3) Eugh, the romance still squicks me out, but I understand. Nott was a different person to Veth, she probably had a hope out for returning to her form and going back to Yeza... But I wonder if she thought he wouldn't accept her, and she had Caleb as like... (ew) a backup?

Me: I mean, it's pretty well-established that she has a thing for Caleb.  And yeah, her feelings for him are pretty fucked up because of their dynamic up to the point where they went to Felderwin. The CA did wrong her family, and so did Essek, and Veth is very much a vengeance-minded person in a far more straightforward way than Caleb.  Most of the others have told Caleb that if he goes after the Assembly, it should be for the right reasons.  Interestingly, Veth, Fjord, and Jester don't seem to agree exactly. Jester sees it as a sort of "why not both?" thing.  Fjord seems to have no qualms with vengeance at all (unsurprising considering which parts of his past have not yet been resolved, and yet Fjord has never gotten shit for that like Caleb has, and Sabian has done far less harm/damage than Trent).  But Veth?  Veth sees vengeance as clearcut, something that ought to be pursued and then when it's done, it's done and she's satisfied.  It's interesting that the person who Caleb was most attached to at the start of the campaign is also by far the most unhealthy influence on him in the group at this point.

Sibling: I think it's because Fjord hasn't been molded by Sabian. Sabian wronged him, but the more Fjord found out about himself, the less important that seemed. And the more they found out, the more you begin to call into question whether what he did was to get rid of Vandran, an unsavory figure or... something else? Not to mention, Sabian is insignificant, whereas Caleb's abuser is still abusing people to this day. I can see there are major differences between the consequences of either of their revenge quests.

Me: Yes, but that's precisely my point. Sabian is not hugely harmful in comparison to Trent, so it's interesting that people give Caleb shit for being motivated partially by revenge, while Fjord doesn't get any when that's basically his ONLY motivation for tracking down Sabian.

Sibling: Probably because Fjord might get a reason without killing Sabian. Caleb might be walking into a trap, laid out by his peers. I still am of the opinion that killing Trent is a net positive. Just the act of getting rid of him is necessary to stop the cycle. But what comes next is the most important part. Because if Trent is dead when they come back, and Astrid sits in his place... The perpetuation of this cycle won't come to a close.

Me: Yes.  I mean, personally?  His entire section of the Empire's government should be outright dissolved.  It's absolutely revolting.  The thing is that it's not just Trent that needs to go; it's his POSITION.  That needs to not exist, and I don't see that ever happening so long as Ludinus exists as well.  Edit: Well, you basically said what I meant in a different way, lol.

[hikarikaishi-blog]

Why Caleb did what he did in ep127 – my theory.

This is my theory it can be super wrong, maybe I am right at some points, I just want to put it out there, maybe some of  you will like it. Here we go:

Caleb is my fav character the whole campaign so far and what he did in that episode shocked me, it was so not like him. We did see him when cornered he would go rampage but was he cornered here? So I was shocked.

I was shocked he didnt discuss the problem that might come from this with the M9, they didnt talk about it might be a trap they just went for it. They didnt think twice and that was alarming for me and the second they interacted with the guards it all went south and Caleb ignored Astrids tip of being stealthy to avoid Trent. And in the end he did appear and I was like „that is what you get when you just go full rage and dont think a second about it and Caleb you were the thinker in this campaign why did you do all of that?! Next episode I want an explanation for this or I am out!“

Caleb knew what he was doing all the time, he knew if he would do all of this Trent would show up.

There is no way he did forget that because Astrid told him super clear that Trent isnt there so they should be STEALTHY.  But he didnt. He ignored the warnings and put Astrid in danger with that as well, a soon as Trent sees the maps he knows who helped and Astrid will be punished. He said he cares for her and puts her in this danger! It was all a lie? Astrid deserves so much better than this! Boo Caleb for treating a girl that was obviusly in pain so she cried because of you like that! I was at least a bit happy that Matt clearly said Trent did appear because of the rucus, not because of Astrid. She didnt sent Trent. She didnt do it.

Caleb ignoring Astrid and her advice and destroying the bit of Trust that was building up between them – shatterd. „Caleb thats so stupid why are you that stupid.“

I was all that. I was so disappointed.

I woke up next morning and was still disappointed and a bit angry that Caleb went this route with all the murder. He knew Trent will maybe show up and catch them while stealing his stuff and he did it anyway. It was like Caleb wanted Trent to show up. To show him how much he hates him and to show him what he is capable off. Because Trent knows that now because he sees the display of raw power he might want to get Caleb back under his thumb and make him work for him again. There is no way out of this situation for them, than to bargain with Trent and he imo will let them got when they will do him a favor later. Caleb must have known that and still did this.

He is just playing into Trents hand where everyone wanted him to escape from. Because Trent is so bad.

And I was: Wait a minute.

Let that sink in for a secong.

He is playing …

playing Trents game. Do you get where I am going with this?

What if all of this, the killing and blood everywhere, is an act made up by Caleb? What if he is playing Trents mind game back at him?

He is giving Trent a view on him like Trents want to think of Caleb: Powerful, full of hate against the Volstruker and Trents experiments, full on revenge and wants to kill him, Trent, but also is no match for him with getting so easily caught in the middle of his home. He has power but he isnt clever enough. What if Caleb wanted to get caught by Trent? Pretend he is not clever so Trent thinks he isnt clever and can be a puppet for him again?

While  pretendign being a puppet again, Caleb can get closer to him/the Assembly to learn more about him and his connections in the Assembly. To learn how to root out all the corruption in the assembly wich is his main goal this whole campaign! He wanted to learn about all that from Ves, we know that, but that didnt work out so he has to do it another way and now he doing it on his own.

He knows, he can not fight the Assembly heads up. He knows he has to get inside first and root out evil from within. He has to earn some trust to get the info he wants to have. He cannot trust anyone so he goes on his own and wants to plays Trents game and maybe be better this time and beat Trent. What better way to beat someone than in his own game right?

And do you remember who talked about beating someone at their own game? Do you? It was Astrid during the dance scene. She said „...either we walk into their trap or beat them in their own game.“

In that scene i thougt she was talking about the TT because she touched his spots with the red eyes a second before and it bothered me that she said „we“. Was she planning on going with them to Eiselcross? That wont happen anyway (she would need trents permission/it would be to obvious and Trent would not let them go so they can come up with a plan to kill him) this is stupid. So now I get she was talking about „we either beat Trent and whomever we are fighting here or we walk into their trap.“

So what I proclaim is: Astrid and Caleb in general know they are dancing the „can-i-trust-you-tango“ but they know they have one common enemy: Trent.

So they were discussing during the dance without saying it, if they want to work together in bringing him down. Caleb wasnt sure if he wants/can work on the „Trent-problem“. He has more importand stuff to do right now and he doesnt want to face all that stuff from the past that will come up during this working against Trent.

He cares for Astrid as he said. He isnt against helping her but maybe not right now.

What made him change his mind was Astrid crying in a spot where nobody would have seen her crying all on her own. He knows her, he know how much is to interpret in her crying. I think she is rarely crying. She has doen the same training as Caleb did, she is used to be cruel and to murder and be a bad human. But she wont cry because of that. She said so herself in their first meeting. Her crying is super special and Caleb gets that. And because he cares so much for her, maybe you can relate when you know a person you care for is crying in the mud. You want to help so they dont cry anymore. That is why he decides he wants to help her,/wants to start working on the problem now and not later. He knows she is using him, but he is using her as well. He doesnt care. He wants to help, to help her, help his country. He made this decision over night and Astrid gave him the time to think about it, but she needed a signal from Caleb. Ans anwer to her question if he wants to do this now or not. She said „I will see what I can do for you“ aka says „i want to work on this now, how about you?“

He sent a red firey bloody signal back. A signal as bright as the fire Warning beacons of Gondor

in „The return of the kings“ when Gondor sent signal to Rohan asking for help. The fun part is nobody gets it beside Matt and that is exactly the kidn of pranks the people on the table like to play. Remember Sam/Scanlan? I do. it was stuff he planned for weeks and nobody was expecting it and it was a big suprise for everyone.)

He could have been stealthy and just get the stuff he wanted during the heist. It would have send the signal to Astrid „thanks for the help, I cant work on this now. Maybe later. See you“.

But Caleb did not do that. He send a signal like: „I am full in, I want to play this game, starting it right now and either we win this game or loose and run into his trap. Lets do it.“

Its amazing how they comunicate without saying a single word about it.

The three different papers you ask? For me its the answer to his „for the love that we three shared I need to ask a favor“. She answeres with the box „Here is what i can do for you and yeah we three are in this together“ the paper are symbols for the three of them. The three people from Blumenthal. Its brialliant.

Why she is thankful in the message: Because he comes back and contacts her. He is her only hope.

Why she is sorry the day after: Because she thinks she is guilty to drag him into this. She knows this will be hard for him and will cause a lot of pain. That is why she says she is sorry.

(Is she for real? We dont know. They are still dancing the „can-i-trust-you-tango“)

They are playing Trents game of saying the truth and show whats obvious. Matt and Liam are playing this game so good they fool the other players and me and other fans. Its brilliant.

To let everyone think its a Trap set up by Astrid? - Its fine because people will focus on her (and its legit because she is shady and in this game as well) while Caleb is the one whom they should be worried about.

Let everyone think he does all the stuff he did here because of the Drama, Trauma and the pain etc – Yes it is exactly that to a percentage and that is the truth he is showing here, but underneath that is the other truth that he just wants to get closer to Trent. Caleb knows how he has to behave to get what he wants. He does it all the time because he learnid it from Trent! (remember the scene he wanted to work Essek as he needed him to work in that moment on the ship, because Caleb wanted the peace talk to happen? Because Caleb didnt want Essek to run away but to stay and get done what he Caleb wants?) He does not like those methods but he has to use them to get what he wants.

This is a brilliant plan from Caleb and Astrid and you know, they worked together before. They know each other so well when it comes to work (and probably more). They were a team for a long time and its like: watching a movie where old action heroes that worked together for a time suddenly have to work again. They just work together like they always did. Its like one comes visit the other one after 10 years of both of them living their lives, and they just look at each other and the person stands up goes to a shelf, gets his old gun out that was hidden there all the time and only asks: how is the weather? And the other says „its clear blue sky“ and they dotn talk anymore and just to their thing like in old times and know exactly what to do. Caleb and Astrid are Assassins in this but you know the dynamic is there.

Another way to put it:

With the dinner invitation trent put up a chess board. And invited Caleb to play. Caleb doesnt answer. Astrid asks him at the door in private: „you said you want to play this game last time you visited me. Do you still want to play? „He says „yes“ and she answers „race you to the top“ wich was clever. It seemed like she wanted to play the game herself, and that is again one half of the  truth here: she wants to play this game, but not on her own because she knows she cannot win this alone. She needs help and playful/tricky invites Caleb to play this together against Trent. Like she would say: „I want to play the game and I would want to know who is more clever/better here, you or me“. This is the dynamic I think they had as teens: always challenge each other who is more clever and gets the solution to a riddle first etc. but always playful never hating and i think that is how they connected in the beginning and fell in love at some point. We will see that maybe in the comic in summer.

During the dance she said: „You have to decide soon if you want to play this chessgame because Trent is a bit distracted anyway right now. Also time is of the essence. You have eyes on your back?“ this mental chessgame wont be a game that will finish soon, or in 2-5 episodes. It might go on for half a year because its a chess game where you have to think a lot and think a lot up in front. With the „i will help you with the necklaces“ she holds out the first pawn to Caleb, and with his rampage he takes it and sets it on the board and the game is on.

And its all covered up in half truth and some scheming but never blunt lies because that would be to easy to find out and could be the end of the game.

So Astrid and Caleb are workign together against Trent while behaving like nothing happend. She does her stuff, he does his.

They will meet sometimes because they both have the working connetction to Trent and who knows how this will end? Trent I think is aware that the game is on and I think he will play (move his figures in the next episode. With the maybe task they have to do for him so he lets them go.)

He set the board on the table in the first place.

Tldr:

Caleb wanted to face Trent. He was aware of what he did, he knew their actions did lead to Trent appearing. He wanted to seem to be the scholar that breaks into his old teachers house to get stuff so he can get closer to Trent again, to gather information from inside the assembly so he can take the system down from inside. Astrid might have gibt him the idea, and maybe there is some planing going on between Astrid and Caleb that we can’t see.

[essektheylyss]

wait! be wordy! what's your line of thinking for the assembly coup i'm so curious

okay you sent this a few days ago and I was like, you know what they asked, so here is my entire research project on the subject of why not only is the assembly in a perfect place to stage a coup and take over the empire, but also why ludinus da’leth in particular seems rather motivated to do so:

fjord and caleb discussed this specific topic during their chat on the balleater in 98, and this line just sums it up:

fjord: what are they waiting for? caleb: the moment where they can ascend.

according to the lore we’ve gotten, from canon as well as the egtw, the assembly has existed since a war between mage houses that culminated in an event that nearly destroyed rexxentrum, referred to as the eve of crimson midnight—after which the members of those houses agreed to work for the dwendalian crown (and helped conquer the julous dominion). they occupy a very comfortable place in the empire obviously, but it’s unclear how much allegiance they actually have to the crown, but when caleb talks to the martinet in episode 97 at the party, they have this pointed interaction:

caleb: the empire, we all love the empire. da’leth: to an extent.

this is in part in reference to caleb’s past, but also... is admittedly, a strange thing for someone who’s meant to serve the king to say. much of their conversation at the party reads as da’leth putting the two of them on the same page—rather circumspect in their interests, and outside of the surface level realm of the empire’s interests. it’s worth noting that da’leth is not only the oldest member of the assembly, he has also been there since its inception, and therefore was almost certainly involved in the war that created it.

now, just before this, they have this exchange:

caleb: It will be good to finish this war. da’leth: Indeed it will be. caleb: I commend you on seeing the reason in cooperation and negotiation. da’leth: I believe it is important to stem the tide of lives lost and to instead focus on the livelihood of those within the Empire and for us to pursue more important things than base conflict and disagreements.

now, like essek, da’leth is likely looking forward to the end of the war because it means uninhibited time to spend researching the beacon they do have, but based on much of what essek has said, he is far more in over his head than da’leth is. of course, that’s in part because he’s not backed by a very powerful organization. but this is important, because arguably... da’leth isn’t backed by the assembly. he is the assembly. there has never been a cerberus assembly without him. additionally, his title (“archmage of domestic protections”) literally puts him in charge of all warfare and conflict in the empire and, as mentioned, this means he’s been involved in:

the eve of crimson midnight

the conquest of the julous dominion

the last century of tension with the dynasty (by the end of which, he found a way to escalate that tension and thereby instigate a war—which really makes him either great or shitty at his job, honestly)

the war with the dynasty itself

unlike essek, who has probably had his position for 20-30 years at most, da’leth has witnessed every part of these conflicts from a place of organizing warfare. (yet again it vexes me: we still have no idea what essek does. but he’s not really important here, I’m just using him to juxtapose. but it seems safe to say, based on his reaction, that he did not have any experience with it, and does not seem to be in anyway a military leader.) he knows when to expect war, and he... probably does not care about the human toll of it, based on the ones he’s lived through. so I’m looking more at the phrase “pursue more important things”—which is where we start getting into military coup territory.

and it’s important to point out that the assembly, based on their discussion in the throne room with the king and the examination of the beacon at the sanatorium, is almost certainly keeping both their research into the beacon’s power as well as the fact that they’ve had two beacons for three years secret from the king.

additionally, the assembly’s power seems to be growing at the moment, as evidenced by cobalt soul concerns that it may need to be curbed, while at the same time, the monarch is becoming increasingly paranoid (which translates to, closed off), as well as (and this is crucial) not having an heir. as mentioned in the egtw, his son and daughter in law have not produced a child, and all three of them are seeking different ways to maintain power. king dwendal, supposedly, is currently looking for ways to become immortal. da’leth, who is functionally immortal compared to the king, probably doesn’t love that (and I have no doubt that he knows).

so we have a military leader who has external interests, secret arcane research into an unknown, fairly deadly system of magic that the crown is unaware of (and therefore doesn’t have defenses against), and a rapidly encroaching potential power vacuum. but that’s still not enough, right? to actually take the throne, who has an entire army at its disposal, you’d need some kind of paramilitary force loyal to the assembly, not to the crown.

which brings us to the scourgers.

we know that trent ikithon created and designed the scourger program, also from caleb’s conversation with da’leth, which means it is relatively new (less than 50 years old, but probably less than that—trent is in his 70s, and he would’ve had to work up into his role, so let’s give him a generous estimate of being worthy of assembly membership around 40—which only puts the scourger program at 30 years old). da’leth does have a... really interesting comment about the program:

da’leth: Although the extent of these things were not entirely part of the initial presentation, I understand that sometimes, desperate requirements might call for unsavory methods.

there’s really no explanation of what these ‘desperate requirements’ are that called for, you know, that bullshit, and the program would’ve been implemented sometime within this cold war they’ve got going with the dynasty. while those desperate requirements may have been involved in that (which is likely), it’s also possible that there are other uses for them, especially now that there is some kind of treaty between the empire and dynasty.

of course, the other thing that I looked at is how astrid discusses the empire—she suggests that what the scourgers do, the “hard choices” they make, are so that the rest of the empire can sleep safely at night, which is interesting, considering the general sentiment of the empire’s populace is that the empire has become less safe (a sentiment that is likely even more heightened now with a war on their soil) as well as less prosperous, due to the growing paranoia and neglect of the king. the scourgers are specifically loyal to the empire itself, not the king—if they can be swayed to believe that disposing the king is in the nation’s best interest, it would not be difficult to turn the assembly’s personal assassins toward the crown.

which brings me back to the earlier conversation mentioned at the party, and the phrase “focus on the livelihood of those within the Empire and for us to pursue more important things.” the martinet has been, essentially, waiting in the wings of the empire for several centuries.

within the last, say, fifty years, the following things have happened:

the quality of life within the empire has gone down

its monarch has grown closed off and scared, potentially leaving a power vacuum which will likely throw the assembly’s power into question

the assembly has created its own paramilitary assassin force

the assembly has instigated a war via the theft of foreign arcane objects

the assembly has done fully secret research on the application of that arcane power

the assembly has then ended the war very quickly, retaining control of one of these objects, and sent everyone very speedily on their way.

furthermore, with peace only just brokered, the righteous brand is likely still on the border, and will have to be mobilized over the next month or more to return them to the inner parts of the empire.

this means the assembly is unoccupied by a war, has its own forces, probably has some unheard of weaponized dunamancy, and doesn’t have to contend with the military that is wholly loyal to the king.

time for a coup, y’all.

addendum: this is a theory/analysis, and it’s only one potential thing that might happen in the next few arcs. however, a counterpoint: the assembly has enjoyed unprecedented power, a small amount of responsibility, and very little oversight during its existence. I could see the point that there isn’t much motivation to change that, especially for da’leth—except for the fact that the empire still does not have an heir. the potential of a power vacuum will likely leave the assembly in a tough spot and without a puppet to control, and a coup to take power now may be the answer to that. that really is the key: before dwendal can actually do something nuts, like beat da’leth to creating himself a phylactery lol, they may intend to grab power to maintain control over the situation in the long run.

additional reading: I wrote up this post a few months ago about why, in conjunction with this, the assembly wants to keep their involvement with the beacon theft quiet—any conflict with the king will get started on their own terms. (which is the main point of my thoughts that the assembly will also likely try to have essek killed—while he’s alive, he’s a loose end, and even if it’s his word against theirs, it’s still possible he could sow doubt with the king. luckily for the nein, the assembly doesn’t seem to know that they’re aware of that!)

[luckyjak]

Why I Don’t Ship Widojest: A Master Post

An anon sent me an ask about this topic, and I debated for quite a bit about how to answer it. Then I decided the best way was to do a long post like this. I put a lot of thought into why I don’t like it, and I thought to share it.

A few things: 1) I am not telling you not to ship it. The goal of this is not to say “Don’t ship Widojest! It is a bad ship and you are a bad person for shipping it!” That is not my goal, okay? The internet and fandom in particular is meant for fun, and if you enjoy Widojest then more power to you! Don’t let me or anyone else stop your fun! Lord knows I have shipped significantly more problematic things. All I ask is that you tag shit more but that’s beside the point.

2) I am not particularly interested in argument. You are not likely to change my mind. I am not trying to be hostile, but if you know reading this is going to piss you off, then don’t read it. A question was asked of me, and so I thought to share my opinion. Unfortunately for everyone involved I am a high school English teacher, and so I cannot think about anything without completely overthinking it.

About my shipping preferences: generally, I like all the ships! I was particularly fond of Widomauk before Molly died, and I now I really enjoy Shadowgast, but I also like Fjorclay, Fjester, Beaujester, Beauyasha, Widofjord, Clayleb, Lavorclay, and, as the only person on earth, Yasha/Caleb. Hell, if Astrid gets a good redemption arc? Caleb/Astrid or even Caleb/Astrid/Edowulf. Any of those ships could become canon and I’d be tickled pink! You can even throw Nott into the mix, even though I mostly ship her with her husband. Nott/Fjord? Delightful. Nott/Caleb? Weird flex but why not? Nott/Jester? Absolutely! They are the best detectives!

I just don’t like Widojest and I don’t want it to be canon, and here’s why:

Doyalist Reasons First:

1) Laura and Liam played twins for years, still act like siblings even though they aren’t related by blood, and it squicks me to think of them together romantically.

Laura and Liam are fantastic actors. If they were hired to play a romantic couple, I have no doubt in my mind they could knock it out of the park.

But why on earth would they want to pretend to be a romantic couple, in a game they both play for fun? 

It would be weird. I play D&D with several guys I consider my brothers, and I can’t imagine pretending to romance either of them in d&d for that same reason. It would be weird. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be weird for Liam and Laura. Maybe they are more dedicated to their RP, and they’d be able to push that aside for the sake of fictional romance. But for me, that would be the last thing I’d want to play, and I suppose I project that onto Laura/Liam.

2) A lot of “evidence” for the ship is the way Liam looks at Laura.

To which I say...did you watch Vox Machina?

That’s how Liam looks at Laura all the time. He’s the president of her fanclub. He’s her twinsie. He always looks at her with hearteyes. I have a hard time seeing that as “evidence” for him having feelings for her when...that’s just what his face looks like.

Now, for Watsion reasons:

3) It has all the benefits for Caleb, and none for Jester

Seriously. What does Jester get out of a relationship with Caleb?

Don’t say someone who understands her, because Caleb certainly doesn’t. In fact, the only person who routinely “gets” Jester is Beau. (see: their conversation on the ship.)

Lots of people accuse Widojest as being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl ship because...let’s be realistic, it has all the makings of one. Tortured, broody man meets young, innocent girl who teaches him to enjoy life once again? Wikipedia’s definition is “[girl with] eccentric personality quirks and are unabashedly girlish. They invariably serve as the romantic interest for a (most often brooding or depressed) male protagonist.” Guys, that is textbook Manic Pixie Dream Girl! It gets even worse because Jester’s character is a healer! You want her to heal him? That is squicky!

And yeah, I trust Liam and Laura to be more nuanced than that, but do you know who I absolutely do not trust to be more nuanced?

The fandom. The fandom that is already producing mass amounts of Manic Pixie Dream Girl fanfic. And as that’s where I spend a lot of my free time...egads. I do not want that.

The few Widojest fics I have read (which, admittedly, are not a lot, because again, I don’t like the ship. The few I have read have been tagged as gen and then come to find out, weren’t.) have the distinct problem of woobie-fying Caleb so that Jester can take care of him, and gosh, I do not want that to become a trend. 

4) Age Gap

Yes, thirteen years is not that major of an age gap. Yes, Fjord/Jester also have a large age gap.

However, there is a world of difference between “20 year old girl displays romantic interest in a 30 year old man, who decides he likes her back after getting to know her for months” vs “33 year old man decides to pursue a 20 year old woman after they danced one time when he was drunk and held hands and she showed general concern for his well-being.” One is decidedly more creepy.

(And would Jester be the one to pursue a relationship with Caleb? I almost think she’d have to, but again, why would Jester ever pursue Caleb when Fjord/Beau are right there.)

(Also, side note that I thought about making it’s own point but then decided it was petty: if Jester’s type is Fjord--tall, broad-shouldered, dark haired, muscled, then Caleb--skinny, red-head, shorter than Fjord--decidedly isn’t her type.

You know who is tall, dark, and handsome though? Beau.) 

And do not say Jester is mature for her age, because she absolutely isn’t! In fact, the whole point of her character is that she’s not mature, she’s very immature and childish on account of her being locked away and being incredibly sheltered most of her life! 

Also not a good excuse: Caleb spent 11 years in the asylum and therefore he’s only mentally in his 20s. Uh, no he’s not. He was in an asylum: he was not brain dead. He lived those years. He might’ve been crazy, but he was alive then. Nothing Liam’s done suggests that Caleb is mentally in his 20′s.

5) What would they even talk about?

This is probably actually the one that bothers me the most out of all these reasons, but uh....what would Caleb and Jester talk about, if they were in a relationship together?

Seriously.

They could talk about books? But Jester only ever reads terrible romance and smut. We saw when she tried to pay attention to the dunamancy lessons that she struggles to be interested in that academic stuff that is Caleb’s bread and butter. They could talk about their childhoods? That will go over well. Jester was locked away from society and Caleb straight up murdered his beloved parents. If they manage to avoid that, I’m sure they could fight again over income, what with Jester being a rich kid and Caleb being a poor farm boy. Pranking? Caleb enjoys a good prank now and again, but I can only imagine he’d tolerate getting banned from so many libraries.

They are a cat and a dog, literally. Caleb is an introvert and his idea of a good time is a quiet night at home with a good book. Jester’s idea of a good time is a party with lots of people! Yet I’m supposed to believe they’d have a happy and fulfilling relationship? Don’t get me wrong, many introverts and extroverts do get married in real life, but like...I have a hard time seeing this one working out. How many dicks do you think Jester draws in his spellbooks--which are expensive and time-consuming and require precise work--before that becomes a point of contention? 

6) He doesn’t trust her enough to tell her his secrets

Hey quick poll! Who in the Mighty Nein doesn’t know that Caleb murdered his parents?

Fjord. Caduceus. And look, Jester.

I have a hard time buying that he sees her romantically when he can’t even tell her one of the biggest things about him. And he’s known her for months at this point.

If I liked a guy, and I found out he had this big secret, and he had told Beau but not me this secret? I would think he didn’t trust me.

I suppose you could argue that he’s trying to protect her. But then that just goes back into the whole “he doesn’t trust her” argument. He even had the opportunity to and he didn’t during their whole hand-holding thing a few episodes ago!

7) What does their ending look like? 

Listen, my ideal ending for Caleb at the moment is “maybe after ten years of friendship he lets Essek tenderly hold his hand for just a moment but no longer” but that’s just me. I see a lot of people who seem to think Caleb’s going to settle down and marry Jester and they are going to have kids, and I just--

Caleb? Having children? Caleb, who murdered his parents and has severe PTSD surrounding that? Caleb, who was abused by his mentor daily for many years? You want to give that Caleb children??? Children who he would constantly worry may grow up to kill him, like he did his own parents, or worse, that he’d do something to accidentally hurt them in a fit of madness?

I could see Caleb maybe adopting a kid if one was forced onto him, but I cannot see him going “ah yes we should procreate!” 

Jester, meanwhile, needs like approximately fifteen kids ten years from now, I think. She’d love them. She’d just adopt an orphanage and let the kids run wild and be the best at playing games with them.

Also, character arcs are important. Because Caleb’s ideal ending is stability and Jester’s is exploration.

Caleb, traumatized child soldier who has spent the past 15 years in an asylum and also fighting for his life, and before that spent time traveling between the Zemni Fields, Ikithon’s home in the country, and the Empire’s Capitol, who then escaped the asylum and spent all of his time running, trying to avoid being caught by Ikithon. The best ending for Caleb is to find peace; peace that involves not having to move around anymore, and having a home again, something he hasn’t had in almost twenty years. Maybe that home is a tower in Nicodranas. Maybe it’s a house in Xhoras with six other people. Maybe it’s a quiet bookstore in Zadash, or a little cabin in the Zemni Fields. A garden/graveyard in the woods. Either way, it doesn’t involve a lot of travel from place to place.

Meanwhile, Jester, who was trapped in exactly one place for her entire life, deserves a chance to explore the world. Even when the Mighty Nein disband, I can’t see Jester being happy to just go back to Nicodranas and stay there for the rest of her life. She may settle down eventually, but uhhh, not for several decades, I don’t think. Part of why my two big ships for her are Fjord and Beau: Fjord wants to be a sailor again, I think, which involves travelling the world, so I could see Jester going out with him. Beau, likewise, is an Expositor whose job is to seek out corruption, which again, means travelling, which Jester would be happy to do with her. Hell, the three of them could go together, sailing and punching evil for all of time! It would be great!

(Also: her god is called the TRAVELER why would you want her to settle down and be a mom??? What part of her story makes you think she needs to stay in one place?)

Lastly

I apologize if this post offends anyone. I’ve just been thinking about it for a while, and while Widojest as a ship has surged in popularity, I suppose I wanted to make a counterpoint about my feelings towards the ship. This isn’t meant as an attack on anyone, again, and please, if you like the ship then don’t look at this as a reason to stop liking it! Fandom is for fun! Keep liking what you like!

And I can’t promise I’m always going to feel this way about the ship--hell, the VOD of Thursday’s episode may come out on Monday, and I may watch it and be converted myself. Who knows! I didn’t like Vax/Keyleth at first either, but it grew on me and now it’s one of my favorites from Vox Machina.

(ALTHOUGH Mr. O’brien I swear to God if you romance Jester while flirting with Essek in a direct parallel to Keyleth/Vax/Gilmore I’m going to fly to LA just to punch you.)

Part of me wonders too if it just comes down to character interpretation, if there is something about their characters that is clicking for some people but isn’t for me. Admittedly, I love Caleb and Jester’s friendship, and I see them more as growing like siblings that romantically, but I’ve been wrong before and who knows, I may be wrong again. But if it is a character interpretation, I just wonder what they are seeing about the characters that squicks me but appeals to them.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E127 (March 2, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are, of course, Ashley Johnson and Marisha Ray!

Marisha, on her thought process behind the date: “It was a fascinating study on designing something with another player in trying to navigating how to do that in a way that makes sense and wouldn’t be too metagamey or overly scripted or anything like that. I had a bunch of ideas thought out, then I just typed it out and sent it over to him, and then he interpreted it as such.” Liam had ideas, but Marisha wanted him to keep the details a surprise. The theme of “let’s start over” was the leading motif for the design. Three acts: pre-game cocktails at the Nestled Nook, picnic in a field of Xhorhasian wildflowers, and then close it with after-dinner drinks and hot tub at the Steam’s Respite. And the very last thing was “and all the cats were dogs”. Brian: “What was his response to that?” Marisha: “He texted me and was like, ‘Are you serious or is this dog thing a joke?’”

Ashley is asked what it was like to know it was coming but not know the specifics. “For both of us, I don’t think we thought it was going to be right then. I think because it’s been so long in the relationship between Beau and Yasha and it felt like such a natural progression for the two of them, and they’re both awkward together. I think there was something to just being thrown into it.” She spent time thinking about what things Yasha would talk to Beau about on a date. “We got to maybe one of them. It was just so fun! Exploring romance in D&D can be super weird, especially when you’re streaming. But it felt like that’s where our characters were going. There was that excitement of trying something that is out of my comfort zone, and I think so much of Marisha was part of that, as being the initiator as Beau, where I was like, okay, this is where it’s going it. Let’s do it, let’s see what happens!” She mentions how “fun and freeing” it is to trust your improv partner in something like this.

Marisha: “I just wanted Beau to be a fuckboi!” But she highlights that it’s hard to deny the deeper connections that come up in D&D scenarios. “They’ve been with each other through so much that it’s difficult to deny when those bonds start to happen.” She texted Liam in a panic before the game. “What do I wear? And he said, ‘In the game or in real life?’ Both!”

Marisha was expecting a Sam curveball at some point. “My/Beau’s reaction of ‘I love you!’ was pretty accurate. She does care! She’s not just  a troll trying to ruin our shit.”

Marisha on Yasha liking dogs: “I clocked that shit when you bought a dog figurine.” She keeps notes about all the members of the party when they reveal things like that.

Ashley has started taking more detailed notes, partly to play catch-up for events she may have missed earlier. “Turns out, notes are very helpful and can help you in your RPing!”

Favorite parts? Marisha: “The fade-to-black moment at the very end, and I think it’s because Ashley’s eyes--maybe this is going to get weird--we had this moment where we were in the hot tub at the end, and I looked over and was like, ‘hey’, and you looked over and were like, ‘hey’, and I was just dead. I will never forget the look on Ashley’s face. There was just a pure moment.” Ashley: “That’s so funny, because I was going to talk about this one moment with Marisha. It’s just clicking into the scene and clicking into the moment.” Marisha talks about how the moments associated with the game have real, tangible emotional connections. Brian highlights that the emotional side of things is what you remember the most after the campaign is done.

Character thoughts on Kima? Marisha: “I was like, step on me! Please! Both of you! We’d be friends.” Ashley: “It’s also that nostalgia that feels so good at the table. These characters we know and love are still living and breathing and happy together and just kicking ass. For Yasha it was an amazing example of a relationship that works in this world, and something beautiful that these people who are different but are connecting. It was a lot of-- it was cool. I think Yasha’s a very big fan of Kima and Allura. When she gave over the sword, Travis texted me and was like, it’s the Holy Avenger. Looking it up and talking about it, it was like, holy mackerel, this sword is insane. But there’s going to have to be some conversations had to attune with the sword. But I like that Matt presented that challenge, that this isn’t necessarily in your class, but let’s do some RP and see what happens.”

Where’s Yasha at with the Stormlord right now? “I’m curious to explore that more, but knowing that the Stormlord was the first person to bring her back to her own will, of pulling her out of whatever was happening with Oban and the Laughing Hand for however long. It’s also weird to see the relationship that the clerics have, and I think Yasha’s still figuring out how to be her own person, but also... not serving somebody, but still trying to figure out that relationship with her god. But again, he saved her from a very, very dark place, and I think that’s something she values and holds on to.”

Cosplay of the Week: An amazing Essek! (Blushingvioletcosplay on Instagram)

How is Beau handling the Eyes? “All the theories! It’s hard for it to not feel like a ticking time bomb. I always have to try and separate my theories from Beau’s theories. That’s acting and shit. I, Marisha, am very interested if I can somehow utilize this to our advantage. Beau, also interested but simultaneously terrified that it might be a bad idea and I might just get further initiated. When it comes to Matt, you know there’s always something more lurking underneath all of this. As players it’s kind of our job to navigate that.”

How about Yasha? “I think it’s one of the things that didn’t really come up in the date, which is funny, because it’s something I was thinking about. Me as a player, that’s something I’m extremely stressed about. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We kind of got into it, but I think the fact that Lucien was listening, and the Eyes, I think it made me as a player as Yasha very nervous about interacting with Beau, because I don’t know what they’re picking up on. There’s so much we don’t know, and Lucien is so confusing, and the Eyes, and with Matt... we don’t know! It’s a point of extreme concern for Yasha, especially someone that she has feelings for and cares about, it’s an extra level of I don’t know what this means and I can’t lose this person, but I need to protect at all costs.”

What was it like for Beau to discover that Dairon and the Soul not only listened but took action? “That moment was so deeply powerful. Honestly, I was just as taken aback as Beau was. I never in both mine or Beau’s thought process did I think Matt would take action in that way, or that would ever be handled. And I think that’s what makes it so emotional. You condition yourself to think these things just happen, so much so that they permeate your D&D game. So rarely do abusers get held accountable for their actions. What was powerful about it was that he was, and other people cared. That alone was so emotionally impactful, and I was completely thrown by it. I feel like I had to walk away from that situation kind of unpacking those things. What does that say, what does that mean? Same thing for Beau, where the cycle of abuse has happened repeatedly to her with no repercussions to anyone who’s causing it. It’s why she’s always had a weird tenuous relationship with the Soul. It throws you into these layers of reconciliation and thought. I didn’t think this was going to be addressed. What does that say about society? So many different layers to peel back. It all speaks to so many real-life experiences that happen every damn day to so many people. There’s not many examples in media of abusers getting handled, and especially not in a way that’s not some sort of device to motivate somebody.” She highlights how rare it is that the abuser was handled without pulling the victim into the mess. I’m definitely not doing what she’s saying justice with my speed-typing.

How is Yasha feeling about solidifying her identity as a protector? “Putting together this character and starting to play as her, there was a part of me that wanted-- when I work on characters, you go through the list of questions you have as an actor, what’s your motivation and all that stuff. But I very much wanted to see if I could have a character that doesn’t necessarily know what their purpose is, because I feel like a lot of people feel that way. I think when we see movies or TV shows, there’s always a character who says, I know what my purpose is. I wanted to explore what it meant to not know what that is. I left that open with Yasha, and I didn’t want to set that for her, because I thought that was an interesting thing. I still like that idea, but in the conversation with Beau and knowing the date was coming up, there were a lot of internal conversations I was having of how is Yasha feeling in this moment. At the end of the day, I feel that’s a very solid purpose for Yasha in this moment, of all I can really provide is protection - and of course she can provide more than that. But now I’m just, yeah, I think protection for her is the best way she knows how to describe her purpose.” Brian: “And once we arrive there, the goal is to find a greater purpose, to be of service.” Ashley has tied in Yasha’s protectiveness with her grappling with loss.

Fan art of the week: A second amazing Essek! (by Saturday_sky)

Thoughts on the amulets: set-up or bad luck? Ashley: “I thought they were a set-up!” Marisha: “I think [Astrid’s] an opportunist. But I think it’d be much more convenient if anyone other than her killed Trent. To what end, I don’t know.” Ashley: “Me, personally, how I interpreted her crying in that alleyway, I felt like she was crying because of a betrayal. But I don’t know! I think she definitely cares for Caleb.” Marisha: “I also got betrayal tears. That felt like guilt-crying to me.” Brian: “I don’t like any of this.”

What prompted Beau going full assassin? “If they were to get in and out and I could have jumped over that tower without killing that guy, I would have.” She didn’t have a lot of options as a monk and not a rogue assassin, but needed a quick and quiet way to get him out of the way. “I went through so many ideas in my head. I thought of an idea to dump all of the ball bearings under him, then light fireworks” to try to get him to fall off the edge.

Is Yasha’s hope for Molly still alive? “Yes. I think that because Yasha has been on the other end of doing terrible things under someone else’s influence, she has a lot of forgiveness for people. At this point, of course, it’s hope that he’ll come back or have some type of recognition of his life as Molly. There’s a lot of questions. I don’t think she’ll ever give up on him.” The only moment of hesitation was when Lucien was cool with Gelidon leaving with Beau.

How are they feeling about their odds? Ashley: “I feel really great about the ideas that the group has to get out of tricky situations. This one I’m nervous about.” Marisha: “I agree. We have our little side player thread, minus Matt, and I don’t see how we’re getting out of this without some sort of compromise that’s not necessarily in our favor. I think we’re going to get out of it, but I don’t think we’re going to get out of it completely.”

Ashley didn’t tell Brian about the date after the episode ended, but wound up blurting it out right before he was about to watch the episode for Talks.

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 8

A fic in which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, and does his best to protect those coming after him from what he went through.

Content warnings: panic attacks, vomiting, food issues, medical trauma.

Chapter summary: Caleb has a bad day.

Notes: Chapter title is from Eight by Sleeping At Last again

****

Chapter 8: An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken

Caleb paid absolutely no attention to the walk through The Tangles back home, reliant on Caduceus’s gentle hand on his elbow. One foot on stone, then the next foot, then the first foot again, and the next. There was thunder, rumbling softly.

Beauregard was waiting at the front door. “Hey. Let’s get him upstairs.”

They followed her through the house. To one of the spare bedrooms on the middle floor. Yasha was there.

So was Essek. Caleb squeezed his eyes shut before he could fall apart.

“I sent a sneaky message while you drew the circle,” Caduceus said quietly. “Was that all right?”

Caleb nodded.

“We should get Nico’s coat and shoes off,” said Yasha. Caleb opened his eyes. Between Astrid and Essek casting Telekinesis, and Beau and Yasha helping, they managed to strip off his outer layers and find his spellbook to set on the table beside the bed. His spellcasting focus, a wand, was put into a drawer.

“I can get the ash off him,” said Essek, casting a few rounds of Prestidigitation until the ash was gone. Nico must have been closer to the house originally, and stepped back to hide. And then it was too much.

Essek crossed to Caleb and wordlessly began to lift the ash from him as well, while Wulf and Yasha lowered Nico into bed. Essek offered to help Astrid and Wulf clean up, but they mechanically took care of themselves. Beauregard was already clean; he had probably taken care of her first.

“I think I can help Nico,” Caduceus said. “However, I would not recommend doing it yet.”

Caleb couldn’t gather the words to protest, but Beauregard was already talking. “Yeah, you’re gonna have to explain that one, Caduceus.”

“He’s like this for a reason,” Caduceus replied. “If we bring him back too soon, he may respond poorly. Remember, whatever I do will probably lift the modified memories. That’s a lot.”

A rush of memories came flooding through Caleb’s brain. Too much input. Dizzy. Caleb excused himself, made it halfway down the hallway to the bathroom area, before vomiting on the floor. A hand rubbed his back, a soft incantation. The floor was clean now.

“Do you want to lie down?” Essek asked softly.

Caleb shook his head. Went back to the room. He hadn’t made it very far. They probably all knew.

“All right,” Astrid was saying. “Watch him overnight. We will return in the morning. I will make sure Felix is settled in the meantime.”

“Are you gonna tell him?” asked Beau.

Astrid pinched the bridge of her nose in a rare show of duress. “I may have to.”

Caleb cleared his throat; the voice that came out of him was weak, but audible. “Leave out Nico’s condition for now.”

Astrid nodded. “He’s safe. That’s all Felix needs to know until we fix this.”

Caleb could have told her that pulling Nico out of this state was nowhere near fixing anything, but that would have been too cruel. She was tired. They all were.

Astrid and Wulf left, both catching their gaze on Caleb for a few seconds on their way out.

“Caleb,” said Beau, “what time is it?”

“Twelve thirty-two.”

“Fuck.”

****

Beauregard sat with Nico while Yasha and Caduceus took over the kitchen. Yasha took two plates up to the room, while Caduceus pushed a plate towards Caleb. He still felt sick.

“I know,” Caduceus said when Caleb didn’t move to eat. “Just a few bites.”

He was right. Caleb knew he was right. He was going to feel worse when the last dregs of adrenaline left him if he didn’t have something in his belly. Caduceus had put some grilled vegetables with a slice of buttered toast in front of him. It was inoffensive enough that he could probably stand it.

He picked a few pieces of vegetable up with his hands. Took small bites. Ate slowly. Caduceus sat back, evidently satisfied, and dug into his own lunch. Essek hooked his ankle around Caleb’s while they ate.

After, Caleb took a cup of tea Caduceus made him and sat on the garden steps. A few drops of rain had begun to fall from the sky, but there was still time before it began to fall in earnest. Blumenthal was probably in the midst of it by now.

Maybe that was why Nico had decided to do this in broad daylight. He could have decided today was the day, only to panic when he realised there was a storm coming. Caleb’s thoughts were slippery. He couldn’t hold onto anything for long. It was probably for the best. If his mind was operating at its usual capacity, he would have fallen in a heap.

Caduceus sat with him for a bit, topping up his tea and sipping some of his own. “Nico is as settled as he can be. We’ll keep someone with him. You will rest.”

Caleb’s chuckle was not humorous at all. “We’ll see.”

They watched lighting crackle across the sky. Caleb counted the seconds until the thunder. Ein, zwei, drei, fier, fünf. The thunder rumbled. The storm was close. The rain grew more insistent, trickling and hissing around them. Caleb closed his eyes, letting the rain fall on him. Felt each little cold splash on his scalp, face, hands.

“We should get you inside,” said Caduceus, though he made no effort to drag Caleb to his feet.

“Nein. I like it here.”

“All right.” Caduceus’s voice was somewhere between amused and resigned. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Caleb felt his departure.

The rain thickened, and it became harder to count each individual drop on his skin. He let it wash over him: the shushing of the rain, the crystalline trickling of the drops hitting the house and sliding downward, dropping from any available surface.

It was easier to step outside himself when there was so much gentle sensory output to focus on aside from his own exhaustion-addled thoughts. The rain soaked him through, and the thunder roared, and his teeth chattered in the cold. And he felt a little more like a person.

He let himself drift for a time, until Caduceus returned, more insistent this time.

“All right, Caleb. That’s enough. Let’s get you inside where it’s warm.”

Caleb let Caduceus pull him to his feet and lead him inside, where Essek floated, twisting his hands. Caduceus gently pushed the heavy, waterlogged coat from Caleb’s shoulders and Essek dropped to his knees, unlacing his boots and tugging them off one-by-one.

“There’s a hot bath waiting at your place,” said Caduceus, and he cast another low-level heal on Caleb, pulling some of the remaining aches and pains and scratches and bruises from the day out of him. “Essek will help if you need it.”

Essek set Caleb’s boots aside and straightened, delicately extending a hand as if asking for a dance. “Shall we?”

Lifting his arms felt like lifting a boulder, but Caleb slid his hand into Essek’s and let him lead the way. Through the house, through the middle door, through Caleb’s side to the small room set aside for the bathtub. Steam rose from the water in the wooden tub. The thought of going through all the effort of undressing and heaving himself into the bathtub was not appealing. He wasn’t sure he had strength of mind or body for such a task.

It was only when Essek touched his shoulder that Caleb realised he had been staring blankly at the bathtub for thirty seconds. Essek gently rubbed his thumb along Caleb’s collarbone at the neckline of his shirt.

“Do you want help?”

Caleb cleared his throat. “Ja. Bitte.”

Essek stepped in front of him and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Caleb drifted again, loosely aware of tugging motions, brushes of damp fabric against his skin, the influx of cold, dry air. Essek cupped his cheek after four minutes and twenty-three seconds.

“Are you ready? I will help you.” Essek, with Caleb’s mumbled consent, walked Caleb over to the tub and cast a spell that made him feel lighter. Essek scooped him up and lowered him into the bathtub, releasing the spell so he sank properly into the hot water.

The heat shocked Caleb back into his body, before it mellowed out as his skin thawed and became a comforting warmth instead. And Caleb realised that maybe he didn’t want to be comfortable at all. Maybe he didn’t deserve to be comfortable. Maybe the real reason he had sat out in the rain was because he wanted to feel the discomfort of wet clothes clinging to him, chill seeping into his bones.

Essek lathered up a sponge and took Caleb’s arm, slowly working soapy circles into his flesh. Caleb gritted his teeth and looked away. The movement stopped.

“Caleb, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

Caleb shook his head. Essek hummed thoughtfully and resumed washing. It was around the time that Essek gently pushed him forward to wash his back that a rush of emotion smacked Caleb in the lungs. He pressed his wet fist to his mouth to dampen the sound of what may have been a groan or a sob or a scream. He didn’t know. Essek kissed his shoulder and finished washing him, leaning him backwards against the tub and lifting each of his legs in turn. Then, he set the sponge aside, rinsed his hands in the bathwater, shook them dry, and cupped Caleb’s face.

“Let’s sit here a moment,” he said quietly. “Then I will wash your hair and help you up.” He leaned forward and pressed his lip’s to Caleb’s forehead. “Thank you for letting me help.” Essek cradled Caleb’s head just below his, resting his chin on top. Caleb buried his face in Essek’s shirt. This gentleness was breaking him apart. He cried. Quietly, for now. Essek held him a little longer, until it stopped. Also for now.

Then Essek reached for a small jug at his side, filling it in a smaller tub of clean water. He carefully tilted Caleb’s head back and poured the water over his hair. He produced a little round tub of floral-scented paste that Caleb knew to be from Essek’s slowly dwindling stash of products from Rosohna. He wanted to say something about that, ask if he was sure he wanted to use it on him, but words were not his friend right now. Essek scooped out a coin-sized amount and rubbed it between his palms before digging his hands into Caleb’s hair. Caleb couldn’t feel a lot of lather as Essek rubbed it through his hair, but that was probably normal, he guessed.

“Your hair is quite long now,” Essek said. “We need to get you some better products, or you are going to keep getting split ends. You are far too handsome for that.” He filled the jug again and tipped Caleb’s head back, rinsing out the product. He had to do it a few times. It probably would have been easier if Caleb felt up to participating in this at all.

Finally satisfied, Essek set the jug aside and fetched a towel, gently drying Caleb’s hair a little bit. Then he stood, helped Caleb up.

“Do you think you can step out of the bath with my help?”

Caleb felt reasonably steady. He nodded. Essek gripped his hands, stepping back as Caleb lifted his leg and lowered it to the distant ground, steadying him as the other followed. Essek grabbed a second towel and wrapped it around Caleb, rubbing it against his skin. Caleb zoned out a bit while Essek dried him, numbly letting him lead him to the bedroom, where he sat on the bed in the towel while Essek dug through his drawers.

“I would just tuck you into bed naked, but it’s a little cold for that.” Essek’s hand stopped and he looked down, considering. “Ah, this will do.” He pulled out a soft cotton shirt Caleb wore to bed when anything else felt too harsh on his scars. Essek worked Caleb’s arms through and lifted them so he could pull the shirt down over Caleb’s head. It was long enough to reach his knees.

Then Essek pulled back the covers and gently maneuvered Caleb into bed. Caleb lay there, rubbing the patterns on the quilt. Essek sat beside him, pulling his spellbook from his Wristpocket and slowly leafing through the pages, keeping up a stream of quiet, one-sided conversation.

Caleb buried his face in the pillow. Over time, he was dimly aware of Beau, Yasha and Caduceus checking in on him. He paid it little mind, until Beauregard arrived with a tea tray.

“Hey, Cad made more tea. Want some?”

Essek softly closed his spellbook and returned it to its pocket plane. “Thank you, Beauregard.” He nudged Caleb. “Would you like tea?”

Caleb nodded, pushing himself into a sitting position with a great deal of effort. He hadn’t felt this fucked up in a long time from something that hadn’t literally knocked him unconscious (or dead). Beauregard handed him a mug, along with Essek.

“Is it okay if I…” She gestured to the third mug. She wanted to stay for a bit. Caleb nodded. She sat criss-cross applesauce on the end of the bed, staring into her mug. She looked deflated. Tired.

She had been through a lot today. Caleb wanted to thank her for it. “Beauregard.” The rest of the words stuck in his throat, leaving his mouth in a series of unintelligible stammers. He hadn’t done that in months.

Beauregard gave him a thin smile. “Hey, dude. It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.”

He held out his arm and she ducked under it, giving him a quick squeeze before retreating to her spot again. Rubbed her eyes with the back of a hand.

****

Dinner was hard, but Caleb ate. He had more words now, at least. He used them to pull Essek aside after dinner.

“I should warn you,” he said. “Sleeping tonight may be an adventure.”

“How can I help?”

“That’s not what I was…” Caleb sighed. “You should know. I used to scream in my sleep. Before the Nein. Before Veth, even. I think it was a hangover from the sanatorium, but I don’t know for sure. The early days were…” Caleb didn’t like to think about the days after his escape, feeling like a bag of broken glass crudely taped together. Running until he couldn’t physically run anymore. Sleeping in little holes, only to wake in the night screaming from old-but-new-to-him memories and objectively new panic. “It’s… um. I might wake you.”

Essek rested his hands on Caleb’s fidgeting fingers. “Are you worried about inconveniencing me? I need less rest than you do, and I am here because I want to be here. I want to help you.” He slowly lifted Caleb’s chin, forcing his gaze away from the floor and to him. He looked sad. Caleb hated that. “Thank you for telling me.”

“I didn’t want to frighten you. Or the others, but I don’t know if I can…”

“Why don’t you talk to Caduceus?” Essek suggested. “Maybe he can help. I will talk to Beau and Yasha, so they are aware and do not come bursting into your room.”

Caleb chuckled. “Ja, I don’t want them to think I’m dying. Okay. I can handle Caduceus.”

He found Caduceus in Nico’s room, chatting quietly to the boy while he sipped a fresh cup of tea. He glanced up at Caleb. “Hey.”

Caleb cleared his throat. “How is he?”

“The same. He seems settled, at least. We’ve made him as comfortable as we can. I fed him soup earlier. Still has a swallow reflex.”

“Makes sense.” Caleb would have been dead if they hadn’t been able to feed him for eleven years.

“You seemed bothered when I suggested we wait til the morning.”

Caleb hadn’t spoken up about it, but he wasn’t exactly surprised Caduceus had noticed. He had made a rapid exit to vomit, after all. “Ja. I don’t… it was a personal issue. You made a good argument.” Caleb took a further step into the room; he felt heavy. He let his gaze drift to Nico. He was mostly still, eyes open, blinking occasionally. No indication he could hear them.

“He has gotten agitated a few times,” Caduceus said. “A Calm Emotions spell helps him settle. We’re looking after him.”

Caleb couldn’t think too hard about the difference there, or it would break him. He swallowed what few memories he had of that place. “And tomorrow? What’s the plan?”

“I wanted to check that with you.” Caduceus set his cup aside, stood up. “I know it’s hard, but what do you remember about the woman who healed you?”

“I believe she was once a cleric,” said Caleb. “From my research, and what I’ve seen you do, I’m fairly sure she used Greater Restoration. Because it knocked out the false memories as well. It was a lot.”

“All right. I will have that prepared.” He picked up his tea and took a sip. “I’m sure you didn’t come here just for a conversation we could have tomorrow.”

Fuck. It had been easier with Essek.

“I, uh, just wanted to…” Words were not Caleb’s friend today, and it took every ounce of self control not to cry out in frustration. “I did not have a good time when I escaped the sanatorium. I think I might regress a bit tonight. It’s a bit… in your face, I suppose.”

“Anything I can do?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I mainly wanted to… warn you. Essek is talking to the lesbians for me.” Okay, enough fucking around. Just say it. “I used to scream in my sleep.”

Caduceus kept a steady gaze on him. “All right. I’ll get you some of that sleepy tea before you go to bed and keep an ear out. If it sounds like you’re struggling, I can throw in a Calm Emotions spell. It only lasts a minute, but it might be enough to cut things off and let you rest.” He smiled gently down at Nico. “It works on him. Should work on you.”

“Danke.” Caleb was too choked up to say anything else.

****

It had been a long fucking day. Caleb had been exhausted for hours. It was finally a reasonable hour to sleep. Caduceus had brought him the tea as promised, gently guiding him into bed. Essek was trancing beside him, just for the moment, while Caleb drank his tea and tried to breathe deeply and calm the fuck down so he could try to sleep.

The tea was one of the blends Caduceus had been experimenting with for probably longer than Caleb had been alive. It was hard to say how old Caduceus was, since he didn’t know himself. Chamomile and lavender were the most prominent. The science was somewhat dubious, but the tea itself was comforting, and Caduceus had several different blends with a similar goal that he would rotate if one did not seem to work on someone. If this one didn’t help, Caduceus would probably come back with his lemon balm tea, or one of the others.

Caleb’s hands shook around the mug; Caduceus had given him one of the heavier, sturdier ones he had gifted to them. Essek shifted, eyes alert. He rested his hand on Caleb’s knee.

“Are you all right?”

The question hurt. Unexpectedly. He knew people cared about him. Maybe he didn’t feel deserving of that care right now. Maybe he felt like a bag of glass that would cut anyone who came too close. The world was blurring; his thoughts were too fast and dizzying and just too much. The weight of it all was going to suffocate him. He couldn’t breathe.

The cup was gone from his grip, replaced by Essek’s hands. He was saying something but Caleb couldn’t process the words. Distant. Underwater, maybe. Muffled in some way.

He collapsed, and landed in arms. Pressed his face against a shirt. Sobbed. Sobbed some more.

Caleb was typically a very controlled person. He had to be. Building rings of steel around him to hold the barrel of disaster intact. The rings were gone, and everything burst out. He couldn’t stop it. He had no control, no filter, like he was fresh out of the sanatorium and running on panic and rage and a gaping chasm of grief that threatened to overwhelm him with every passing second.

He cried like a child. Loud, all-consuming. Gasping. And he was held through it all. But it wasn’t stopping. He couldn’t stop it. His body heaved with the depth of the well from which this had all sprung.

He started to cough whenever he gasped in a breath. It was getting harder to breathe at all. Everything hurt.

A new hand on his shoulder. A wash of calm. He coughed again, trying to get his breathing back under control now that he could.

“You’re all right, Caleb,” said Caduceus, leaning over him. “You’ve got a minute. Take your time.”

Caleb leaned against Essek, who had probably been stroking his hair for quite some time. He breathed. Coughed a little. Breathe again. It was easier each time. Caduceus continued to steady him.

At the forty-five second mark, he was okay. Caduceus helped him drink some water. They lay him down, tucked him in. And the spell wore off. The wave of sadness and grief and frustration struck again, but he knew what was happening now. He had expected it. He breathed, squeezed both their hands.

“Get some rest,” Caduceus said. “I’ll stay here for a bit.”

Essek curled around him. Caduceus sat by the bedside. Caleb was exhausted and heavy. He drifted asleep. He woke once, disoriented, a scream in his throat. Another spell, and held hands and words of comfort pulled him back under.

The next thing he knew, he was blinking awake in the dim golden light of morning, head pillowed on Essek’s thigh as he read a book in Undercommon. And Caleb had made it through one of the worst nights he could remember having in a long time.

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 14

In which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, learns how to be a person, and does what he can to protect the children (and hurting adults) who came after him in a way he had never been protected.

Content warnings: references to Caleb's backstory but it's pretty mild

Chapter summary: The Mighty Nein have their beach episode, Essek wears a sunhat, Luc learns a new word that isn't a swear, and Caleb has a good day.

Chapter notes: This chapter is pure fluff, with a little melancholy that is well-resolved. Enjoy it while it lasts. Chapter title is from Joy by Sleeping At Last.

****

Chapter 14: It is the calm water in the middle of an anxious sea

Caleb sent a quick message to Nico while Jester ferried the Nein into the street. “Hallo, Nico. Remember my home is open to you if you need anything. Food, shelter. Protection. Anything. Password: Wilkommen. Take care, please.”

Nico didn’t reply. He never did. But Caleb breathed, and he was okay. Essek, disguised as another half-elf, a redhead this time, squeezed his hand.

“Are you all right?”

“Ja. We know he’s alive. That helps.”

“Good.” Essek opened his pink parasol as they stepped into the sun, shielding them both. “Beauregard warned me that redheads burn in the sun more easily than most humans.”

Caleb chuckled, surprising himself a little bit. “Ja, Jester packed a lotion to help with that. I may need help rubbing it in.”

Essek raised an eyebrow. “I believe I can help with that.”

“Hold that thought.” Caleb needed to let Felix know Nico was still alive, before he got distracted. “Hallo, Felix. My cleric friends’ gods have confirmed Nico is alive and has found water recently. Keep talking to him.”

Felix’s response was swift. “Thank you. I don’t know what I would do if… thank you. Uh, how is Nicodranas? I’ve never been.”

Caleb found himself smiling. “Hot and sunny. Not ideal for someone of my complexion, but we have sun protection. My friends are dragging me to the beach.”

A laugh came through the link, quiet and stiff, as if unpracticed. “My parents told me stories about your disagreements with the sun, even here. So, uh, be safe. And have fun with your special Aeor friend.”

Caleb found himself burning another spell, just because he was not about to let this child have the final word. At least, not that final word. “Very funny, Felix. My colleague and I will likely stay in the shade. The sun does not agree with him, either. Spell progress?” Felix had indicated he was copying out Fly from a scroll Astrid had supplied on Caleb’s behalf. Felix was an Evocation specialist, so he had been struggling a bit. Caleb still had hopes of converting him to Transmutation entirely, and teaching him Fly would be a good step, and safer to experiment with than the more-challenging Polymorph without supervision. It was quite advanced for him, however.

“Fine, I will let you change the subject. I have the spell copied, but the somatic element is complicated. I may need help.”

And then Caleb burned one more spell. “I will visit in the next few days and we will work it out together. Remember to take breaks. See you soon.”

“Ja, see you soon.”

“I like that kid,” said Beauregard.

The group linked up with the Brenattos deeper into the city and then worked their way to the beach. Other families were out on the sand, so they wandered a little further afield until they found the same spot the Nein had visited when they had first visited Nicodranas together.

Essek, with Jester’s help, set up the beach umbrella in a shaded area further from the water. Everybody arranged their bags there, leaving enough room for Essek to sit comfortably, along with one or two others. Towels were laid out to keep the worst of the sand out of everyone’s asses, but mainly Essek’s. By now, his disguise was wearing off. The clothes he wore underneath, however, covered most of his skin, alongside the enormous sunhat Caduceus had brought from the Grove. So he didn’t bother re-casting.

Essek settled himself under the umbrella, pulling his spellbook from the pocket dimension. The others disrobed to varying degrees; most of the ladies were straight-up naked, aside from Veth who wore a thin shift dress that would not be too weighed down if she chose to get in the water. The group passed around two glass bottles of a sun lotion developed by Yeza, slapping it onto each other. Caleb slapped Fjord’s pec, as had become customary. Fjord squawked, as was tradition.

Soon enough, the Nein, plus Luc and Yeza, barrelled toward the shoreline. Caleb settled beside Essek, passing him the lotion bottle.

“If you would?”

Essek slipped the spellbook back into its dimension and uncorked the bottle. “Take off your shirt.”

Caleb threw his shirt aside and sat with his back to Essek. He had waited until the others left. Neither Caleb nor Essek were particularly touchy-feely around other people, aside from a few casual things like fixing each other’s hair or leaning against each other. It was less uncomfortable to do so when there was some physical distance from others, even if they were still in view.

This thing between them still felt fragile sometimes. Aeor had strengthened their bond, but they’d had to do a lot of unlearning along the way. A lot of healing. Caleb had disintegrated the one chance he’d had to see his parents alive again. He’d given up the book of letters to bury them between their graves. Essek had begun to peel away years of conditioning to be selfish in his pursuits, of pulling away from people to stay safe, of understanding his worth through a purely transactional lens. Honestly, Caleb was working on unlearning those things himself.

The lotion was a cold streak from one shoulder blade to the other. Essek’s hands were delicate and careful as always, working the lotion into his skin with small, slow circles.

Essek did not touch very many people. Every touch he gave Caleb felt precious. At this point, Caleb was fairly certain he had been conditioned to melt at even the slightest point of contact between them.

Essek kissed his shoulder, ignoring Jester’s wolf-whistle in the distance. “I missed your shoulder freckles.”

“You see them most nights, Essek.”

“It’s different in the light. I can see colours.” Essek’s fingers ghosted the skin, drawing lines between freckles Caleb couldn’t see at this angle. His other hand continued to work the sun lotion into Caleb’s back. Caleb closed his eyes, listening to the soft roars and hisses of waves, the shouts of his friends, their splashes in the water. This was comfortable in a way Caleb still struggled to accept that he deserved. But he was trying. And sometimes he succeeded. Today was better than most.

Essek took his right arm and massaged lotion into the skin, working tension out of Caleb’s muscles and tendons and joints as he went. Heat pooled in Caleb’s gut, and if they had been alone, he would have pushed Essek onto his back and kissed him senseless. Among other things. Instead, he let Essek work, sagging back against him. Essek spent some extra time on Caleb’s wrist, gently guiding him through stretches to stave off a repetitive strain injury from casting. Then he moved to Caleb’s left arm, and repeated the process.

Through the haze of calm, Caleb was dimly aware this was a huge step for Essek. Taking care of each other’s hair, leaning against each other, passing things to each other, taking charge when Caleb was in a bad way… these were all forms of affection he had grown comfortable with in front of the Nein. This was more intimate than Essek usually allowed with an audience, however distant they were at the moment. Caleb was proud of him. He knew it wasn’t easy to be exposed like this. To wear your heart on your sleeve even among people you trusted. How hard it was to trust in the first place.

“You’re cuddly today,” Caleb said quietly as Essek carefully swept his changed, now singular, braid aside to work the lotion into the back of his neck. “I like it.”

Essek rested his forehead on the back of Caleb’s head. “I suppose I am.”

“What brought this on? I would like to repeat it.”

Essek hummed thoughtfully, pulling back. Caleb turned to watch him gaze out at the sea, dissecting his own thoughts. “You are… happier today. I missed it.”

Caleb had become aware during their time together that Essek, while attracted to Caleb in general, was especially enticed by two specific things: Caleb’s mind and his happiness. It was… sweet. Caleb hadn’t experienced that in a relationship before. That hadn’t been Astrid and Wulf’s fault, or even his. They hadn’t had the freedom to be like that. It still took Caleb unawares that he had this with Essek sometimes. A partner so invested in his happiness that it was a literal turn-on for him, essentially a requirement for his sexual interest. And, most days now, Caleb was happy frequently enough that it was practical. And healthier than anything he had experienced in a relationship before.

Essek also looked adorable in his huge sunhat and lightweight poncho that kept most of him safe from the sun’s rays. And a pair of sunglasses Jester had painted for him, pushed down his nose so he could look at Caleb better while they were in the shade together.

Caleb squeezed his knee. “We should come back here tonight. Have you swum in the ocean before?”

“No. Have you?” Essek adjusted his glasses so he could look at their friends playing in the water. Fjord and the clerics were having a magic water fight. Veth and Yeza walked along the shoreline, feet in the water, swinging Luc between them. Veth looked at home there; watching her willingly touch the water for the pure joy of it hurt Caleb’s heart in the best way. The lesbians had wandered off somewhere and probably wouldn’t be back for a bit. Kingsley was working on a sandcastle he had started with Luc, before the boy had been distracted.

“Ja. The first time we came here. You’ll like it, I think.” The vastness of the ocean, the enveloping nature of it… Caleb could remember how much it had felt like looking into the beacon, and how much of a comfort that had been. “Can you swim?”

“I have been taught, yes.” Essek didn’t sound pleased about it. Most of his upbringing had been utilitarian, shaping him in the service of Den Thelyss.

“Just think. You and me. Alone with the moon and the endless expanse of ocean. It feels like the embrace of possibility, if you let it.” Caleb knew that, of all people, Essek would understand.

Essek softened. “That does sound wonderful. Shall we go after dinner?”

“Ja. I will cast the tower afterwards. I want you all to myself.”

It was only because Caleb knew Essek so well that he could pick out the rise of colour in his cheeks. “The feeling is mutual. Go, spend time with our friends. Do not burn.”

Caleb smiled, sliding his pants off and setting them aside. He left his smallclothes on this time, and worked the lotion into the flesh of his legs and feet. Essek cleared his throat and returned his attention to his spellbook. If they had been alone right now…

Caleb pushed the thought away. In a few hours, they would be alone. For now, he had prepared Telekinesis for today and he knew a few friends who would love to be thrown around in the water for a while.

Luc rushed over to Caleb as soon as approached the shoreline. Caleb squished the wet sand between his toes and watched the boy run, managing to catch him when he launched himself at Caleb’s middle.

“Uncle Caleb! Mum says you know a really cool spell that can throw people! Throw me!”

Caleb looked over to Veth and Yeza. Veth gave an enthusiastic thumbs up while Yeza facepalmed, but did nothing to stop it.

“Okay.” Caleb set Luc down. “This spell is called Telekinesis.”

Luc’s eyes glazed over a bit. “Tele…”

“Repeat after me: Tele.”

“Tele.”

“-kin.”

“-kin.”

“-esis.”

“-esis.”

“Telekinesis.”

“Telekinesis.”

“There you go.” Caleb moved his hand, muttering the incantation. “Ready?”

“Yes!”

Caleb reached out the magic and lifted Luc in the air with the spell. “All right?”

Luc kicked his legs about, staring all around. “This is so cool!”

“Ja, so cool.”

“Throw me!”

Caleb looked to Veth and Yeza. “I’ll send him near the others.” He raised his voice so Fjord, Jester and Caduceus would hear. “Incoming!” And he pelted Luc into the water, aiming him in the central point between the three of them. Luc soared through the air, landing with a splash. Caleb pulled back the force a bit so Luc wouldn’t fall too hard. Luc still had the ring of water walking on, but he had an intuitive grasp of its use and had wanted to be thrown in. But it did mean that he was able to pop right up to the surface without issue, jumping up and down on top of the water with glee.

“Oh! Oh!” Jester yelled. “Me next!”

Caleb plucked her from the water with his magic, and managed not to drop her when he remembered she was naked. He threw her across the water, to a point to his right that appeared to be a similar depth from whence she had come.

The spell lasted ten minutes. And those ten minutes were well-used, pelting his friends into the sea. Beau and Yasha returned in time to participate, which was good. Beauregard in particular had always been fond of this.

As the spell faded, Caleb waded into the water and let it take his weight, floating on his back. He gazed up at the blue sky, squinting a bit. The protection amulet lay there, occasionally bobbing away from his chest when he slipped under a tiny bit. He had gotten back into the habit of wearing it since the Vergesson heist, and all that had happened in Eiselcross and beyond. The thing didn’t bother him as much as it used to. Essek still wore his as well. Even if Caleb hadn’t thought it prudent to wear the amulet to shield himself from the Assembly’s prying eyes, even if they would not move openly against him, he would do it for Essek’s sake. It was easier to do these things for other people.

“Hey, Caleb.” The voice was a little muffled as Caleb’s ears were underwater, but he knew Fjord’s voice.

He carefully righted himself and began to tread water, a little clumsily but more easily than he had the first time. “Hallo, Fjord. Thank you for not scaring the shit out of me this time.”

Fjord chuckled; as usual, he had no trouble staying afloat. “Oh, I thought about it. I need to get you back for slapping my tit.”

“I will live in fear until you have found your revenge.”

“As you should,” Fjord said haughtily. “Oh, and Jester keeps demanding I invite you onto our ship. Unrelated to the impending revenge, of course. I have no stake in this at all.”

“Of course.” Caleb enjoyed Fjord’s sarcasm; he could pivot from sincerity to bullshit quicker than almost anyone he knew.

And, in true Fjord fashion, he pivoted again, dropping right back into sincerity. “In seriousness, though… if you ever need a break from civilisation, there’s always room for you. And Essek. Together or separately.”

“I appreciate that,” Caleb replied. “Knowing our luck, I will choose the perfect time for Uk’otoa to attack.” He did not clarify whether this would be good or bad luck, as he himself was uncertain.

“An extra hand wouldn’t go astray. You have saved my life many times on the sea.”

Fjord had almost been lost forever, killed and transported away. That night had been the perfect example of why Caleb never went a day without preparing Counterspell. Losing him would have been unbearable, especially after Molly.

Fjord’s hand found his shoulder. “Hey, I’m right here.”

“Ja, you are.” Caleb shook off his melancholy. And remembered why he had found Fjord so attractive from day one: whatever shit Fjord had going on, he was always ready to reach out and steady someone else. That, and the fact he had a nice face and an incredible amount of skill both in combat and in conversation. “I’m sure there will be time for sailing. Maybe in a few weeks, depending on how chaotic Rexxentrum becomes. I will try to drag Essek along, if he’s not too busy elsewhere.”

“Sailing the Lucidian Ocean with a pirate crew is an unlikely place to find a drow fugitive,” said Fjord.

“Ha! Indeed.” And, because they were already talking about Essek, Caleb broached a similar subject. “By the way, Essek and I plan to come back here after dinner so he can swim more comfortably. We will not be back until morning; I have the tower prepared. If you could, ah, keep the others distracted so we can slip away without too much innuendo, I would appreciate it.”

“I promise to try.” Fjord glanced fondly towards Jester. “She’s observant and has the best-worst timing.”

“That she does.” One of the wonderful things about her, but Caleb would prefer to shield Essek from that tonight. Essek had become more comfortable with the Nein’s teasing, but he was still a little shy, especially about his relationship with Caleb.

“We’ll make sure you get your date, either way.” Fjord patted Caleb’s shoulder and submerged himself, darting like a bullet towards the clerics. Then, he emerged from the water with a huge wave behind him, but Caduceus had seen him coming and retaliated with one of his own.

Caleb watched the water-fight for a bit before he retreated to the beach umbrella, throwing himself onto the towel beside Essek and closing his eyes for a nap.

***

They stayed out until sunset began to approach. Knowing the Zhelezo would soon close the gates, the group packed up, dressed and headed back to the Chateau. Essek, disguise refreshed, used Prestidigitation as they walked to clear the sand off everyone.

After dinner, Beauregard asked Caleb to send her and Yasha back to Rexxentrum. Caleb drew them a circle in Jester’s old room, sending them on their way while Essek watched him work. There was a quirk to his lips that Caleb now knew meant he was looking disrespectfully.

Then, with the lesbians gone, it was just the two of them. Caleb pocketed the rest of his chalk, and held a hand out to Essek. “We could teleport from here.”

“We could.” Essek glanced at the door behind him. “That may worry our friends.”

“I’ll message Fjord. Let him spill the beans in a few minutes when Jester comes looking for us.” Caleb pulled out his wire. “Hallo, Fjord? Essek and I are about to teleport to the beach. Could you tell them where we’re going when they ask?”

“Will do. Have a good night. You deserve it.”

Caleb tucked his wire away. “We’re good. Let’s go.”

Essek grabbed his hand, though Caleb was now fully aware that physical contact was not a requirement for teleportation. “Allow me.” He muttered a word and Jester’s bedroom fell away. The air and light rushed away, before it all came back in a rush. Caleb took a deep breath.

They had landed on sandy grass, a few paces from the beach itself. The two of them took off their shoes and Essek’s poncho and hat, stashing them in Caleb’s amber. Essek gazed out at the waves while Caleb worked the ritual. A ritual he had originally created as part of his plan to save his parents. Now he used it to stash his partner’s shoes so they could walk on the beach together. That felt like growth. Like allowing himself to be happy. Ultimately, he knew that was far more respectful of his mother and father’s memory than trying to break time to bring them back, putting his own life at risk. Even if he was damn sure it would’ve worked. If he hadn’t collapsed into dust at the end of it all. Part of him still felt like that would have been a worthy price to pay… but he knew they wouldn’t see it that way. Most of him understood that. All they had ever wanted was for their son to be happy. They would have wanted him to live, and live a good life.

Caleb sat there after the amber had claimed their things, staring into the stone. Essek waited patiently, not rushing or peppering him with questions. He knew the meaning of the vault, and had enough context to Caleb’s shit to suspect where his mind had gone. Even if he couldn’t read Caleb’s thoughts.

He would try to live a good life, like his mother and father had always wanted. It was the right thing to do. For them, and for himself. He deserved good things. Caleb just had to keep reminding himself, possibly forever. And the joy of surrounding himself with people who loved him was that they would remind him if he couldn’t.

The best way to honour Leofric and Una Ermendrud was to be happy, kind, and do good for himself and others. Even if he still felt like a piece of shit most days, he would keep trying.

Caleb scooped up the amber and settled the chain around his neck. Essek held out a hand, which he accepted, letting the drow leverage the entirety of his slight weight to pull Caleb to his feet.

Hand-in-hand, they stepped onto the sand. Let their toes sink in, wiggling with the joy of that simple feeling of being enveloped.

The two moons above gave Caleb just enough light to see his surroundings, reflecting off the sea like a mirror. Essek would have no trouble seeing, and he was safe from the discomfort from the sun. And the darkness was a safe enough disguise that he was not forced to concentrate on a spell to avoid detection. They were about as safe as they could be.

Essek lifted Caleb’s hands to his lips, kissing each knuckle in turn, his eyes boring into Caleb’s. Then he tugged Caleb towards the shoreline. There, they let the tide lick their toes, laughing as it tickled. Essek’s laugh was sweet and soft, his smile warm and unburdened. That was rare. So rare. Caleb’s heart swelled.

He leaned down to kiss him. Essek slid in close, fingers splayed across Caleb’s back. And they kissed and kissed and kissed until they couldn’t breathe.

They took a five-second break. And then they kissed again.