#he planted roses in our yard even though my grandma didn't want them

[robindrake93]

Before he died, my grandpa was telling people that I was a ghost writer.

He knew that I wrote constantly, watched me do it for decades, and he knew that I was somehow making money online with my writing.

What I was actually doing most of the time was writing fan fiction; something he did not know existed and since most of my fics are explicit, I didn't think he'd want to know. (although considering most of the books he read were steamy historical romances, he might not have cared too much)

I had also set up a patreon for original fiction, which I think I explained poorly when telling him about. "People pay me money to read what I write per chapter" was probably how I explained it. Which is accurate but that's not a model of reading that he's familiar with.

Given the circumstances and his limited knowledge, I'd say his guess was pretty good.

[pbandjesse]

We are back in Baltimore. Its nice to be here but also man its hot and today was a little bit much. It was a hard day emotionally. 

I couldn't sleep last night. My legs hurt a lot and I was up way to late because I couldn't get comfortable. But when James woke me up this morning it wasn't so bad. I wasn't thrilled to be awake but I got washed and dressed and felt very pretty. But my stomach hurt a lot. I just sort of felt unwell all day. Stress mostly. 

James and me left the house a little before my parents. Got a little turned around but we found the funeral home. We were the first ones there. 

The layout of the whole thing was a little unclear and confusing. But it was okay. We did our best. Jen's urn was pink and the flowers were pink and pretty and it made me think of when my grandma was dying she said she wanted an orange and pink casket and it made me laugh. I think there was more laughing today then we expected but we all deal differently. 

It was so good to see my family. My youngest nephew is so tall now. He kept telling me he had always been taller then me but that is just not true!! I was so glad to see my niece. She looked great and honestly we had very similar hair and it was so good to hug her. 

There were a lot of surprising people there today. My neice's dad for one. My aunt Nadine and uncle Dave and my cousin Audrey. A bunch of dad's AA friends. I was glad to meet so many people who loved my sister. I am still dealing with a lot of mixed up and weird feelings and regrets. But finding so many people that loved her and saw the good in her made me feel less hollow. 

My cousins Nicole and Mark were there and they looked great. We all were kind of like we need to be better about being together. So that's something we are going to try to be better about. 

It was a little weird feeling horrible sorrow and then people congratulating me and James. Meeting James for the first time. It was hard. And I would go from hugging someone and comforting them and then falling apart and then robot dancing because I was absolutely full of nervous beans. 

My uncle Dave didn't come in and was out in the car so I went to give him a hug. I think he's great. And I loved that Nadine and Audrey were there. It has been to long. And Im so glad that they got to meet James even if the circumstance wasn't ideal. 

But the service was beautiful once it actually got going. Dad gave a beautiful speech. He insisted on standing and was a little loopy but he spoke with his whole chest. I had to keep going and hug him after. But it was lovely to hear him speak from the heart. 

The minister that came and gave the prayer service was really nice too. He knew Jen and it felt authentic and full of love for her. It was hard seeing my niece cry. Seeing my aunt Renee cry. It was hard. But we got through it. 

We all drove to the cemetery. I , and many others, were surprised when we drove on the highway?? But we got to the cemetery where my grandparents and dad's brothers were buried. And it was so hot out. It was bad. But we did the roses and the prayers and said goodbye. 

They had some silly little photo shoots recreating the way my sister always posed. And then someone would go to meet at a restaurant. I was going to go too but dad didn't feel good and wanted to go home. So instead of joining for lunch, me and James said goodbye to everyone and then went to hang out at the Rae's house. 

First though we needed to eat. We had only had had some gronola. We decided to go to Friendlies. Have sandwiches. It was good. I was lad to be with James. I had a headache and a stomach ache but I was alright. 

We went to Rae's house. She showed me her meditation space that used to be her mom's room. We all sat outside and played with the dog and talked a little. But she was clearly distracted and kept watering her plants and doing chores in the yard. She is so much like me. Couldnt sit down. Had to keep finding things to fix to be distracted. 

I decided we needed to go. But with the promise to actually keep in touch. Im making the commitment to that. 

We left there and made a short stop at Jess's place to hold one of her chickens. Which were a little overheated so Im glad we visited just to bring to her attention to that. It was fun holding one. 

We left there with a card for my parents and went back to their house to give it to them and get our stuff. 

I hugged my family for a little longer. We talked general plans for wedding because its nice to focus on something good. And then we were off. 

We stopped at Starbucks. And got frapachinos. And then we were on the road for real. 

It wasn't a terrible ride. I fell asleep for a little. But James handled the drive and I appreciated it a lot. 

I was so glad to be home though.It was hot but I was happy to be here and sweetP was being so sweet. One of our tomatoes finally turned red. It was all so exciting. 

I unpacked and painted my nails to match James's. I had a snack. James went for a ride. I styled one person. And tidied up the apartment. When James got back I told them how proud of them I was because they just found out they got the promotion at work and Im so excited for them. I love James. And I am so thankful for their support today. 

Now we are both showered and in the ac and trying to feel ready for bed. Im looking forward to camp tomorrow. I hope its a chill day. Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourselves. Love eachother intentionally. Goodnight.