#he’d be the type of friend you can watch trashy reality tv with

[randomdash]

My long Ass Random Kravis Rant

I loved Kourtney and Travis in the beginning, and now I find them so trashy and repulsive. There, I said it. Their PDA is so overwhelming that it makes me cringe and uncomfortable to see—I think they like this factor, making others uncomfortable.

I was a Blink fan back in the day, not major. Not having seen Travis Barker in a while made me look him up to see what he’s been up to. I went back and reread his book, and I watched Meet the Barkers on YouTube; I never watched the show on MTV. I thought the show was okay. It’s pre-Kardashian reality TV. I remember hearing a buzz about the show even if I didn’t watch it because it was shocking that the dude whose voice you never heard was having a reality TV show. He was the member of Blink who spoke the least.

Travis is the same attention-seeking guy (he openly admits he loves being on reality TV and was trying to get a new show with his kids recently). He’s the same very affectionate PDA-heavy type that he was back then. In the very first episode of Meet the Barkers, you see Travis on top of his wife, dry humping her on a pool table in public while being filmed. In the next few scenes, you see them making out on the side of a red carpet event while his other band members are being interviewed. Then Shanna rubbed his back and hugged him, holding him in her arms, almost to console him with affection. Nothing is wrong with this, but it’s like he loves affection all the time. It seems too tiresome to me. Maybe it’s his coping mechanism?

Not to be ungrateful to those who like it, but my husband is also very affectionate, and I am just not as affectionate as I’d like to be, so we have healthy bounds we set for each other, so both our needs are met, including me needing my space sometimes. Still, my husband is getting that affection he desires. I would be so overwhelmed by a guy like Travis, though. He seems fun for a one-night stand but long-term? I don’t know how Kourtney does it. Obviously, she loves him, and it’s her thing, but I thank goodness I don’t have to deal with someone that affectionate all the time. All the constant touching would drive me crazy. Sheesh!

Get back for a minute, let me breathe. For me, less is more meaningful and passionate.

That’s why we live in a world where people are different. I get it. Maybe I’m a prude and am the only one in the world feeling this way?

Back to the Meet The Barkers, there is a moment where Travis and Shanna are getting their marriage license, and Travis wants to run his fingers through her hair multiple times from root to tip, all while he is on his phone, mind you. They make out, and he rubs her boobs and her ass as they are waiting in line as if he just cannot wait for the sex he can get at home or even in the car.

You can go home to do all that, but you don’t because that’s you’re thing, right? Being so touchy-feely in public. That’s cool, I guess.

This PDA was making the wedding license guy so uncomfortable. Travis didn’t seem to care, and Shanna seemed like she was on the fence. This extreme PDA is his thing.

As far as the PDA, whomever Travis is dating, he will do this with. Kourtney should not feel special by him being this way with her, but more so expect it from him. It’s his personality. I’m happy for her if this is the first time she is experiencing such affection and if she is the type that likes it. Good for her, if this is what she wants and she is happy.

Kourtney spent many years being unhappy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Kourtney and Scott were so toxic, and many of us were fooled by how good they looked together.

The new mirage is Kourtney and Travis are so happy and in love and perfect in comparison because we see all this extreme PDA engagement from Kourtney that we have never seen before, I think not.

I’m happy for Kourtney if she is happy. Change is good, and I think both she and Scott are damaged and toxic people together. Just because they were together all that time 10+ years, with kids, doesn’t mean they have to be together.

We see a new Kourtney getting everything she never did with Scott, but her and Travis's relationship is presented in such an extreme, in your face, fashion that it doesn’t feel authentic all the time. You read Travis’s book, and he describes all the PDA and sex that he loved to have in great detail. He said he and Paris Hilton had a thing that he couldn’t work out because they didn’t have good sexual chemistry. It seems like this man has slept with everyone. In his book, he mentioned girls would show up at his door and just knock, and he’d let them in for a good time in the earlier Blink days.

Is it the rockstar life, or is it the sex addict life? Both? Kourtney has had her share of dating around too. Remember Miami season 1 Kourtney wilding out or hanging out with Kendall’s younger friends after Scott? People have probably signed NDA’s left and right on both Kourtney and Travis’ sides. Think of all the hookups we don’t even know about.

I bring all this up because Kourtney is with Travis now, and they have blended their families. They are neighbors. It’s a serious situation. I worry for Kourtney. I know she doesn’t care or need me to worry for her, but she’s been morphing into someone else. Travis Barker is the same, but Kourtney is not. She has changed her ways so much that her sister and Mom are defending her behavior, saying her PDA with Travis is cute and this and that. They are a little older to be coming across as cute, in my opinion. At the same time, I’m sure Kourtney’s family just wants to see her happy after the dead-end of Scott.

Kourtney will make her own decisions. It’s her life, and all we can do is just look on and let her live, but as someone concerned about her during the show's filming through the years, I worry how much she has changed herself while she has been with Travis. At what point do you feel so engulfed with someone that you lose yourself?

He has you feeling good but do you really feel good?

How does a photo OP of making out in the bathroom improve yourself? You know you are being photographed, so how does straddling your man in public with your thong showing through your butt cheeks and skirt help your relationship? Does doing these things make a person happier? Does it prove you ARE happier? After all, you cannot help yourself because you’re so in love? Is that it? Are you coming on to your boyfriend because you’re afraid you will lose him if you don’t? Have you always been this way, but you were holding back?

All the questions that will never get answered.

In Travis’s book, he claims to have had the best sexual chemistry ever with his ex-wife Shanna. On their honeymoon, they were breaking into places to have sex. First, who does that? Second, does that weigh on Kourtney? Has she read his book, I wonder? Shanna was around Travis as recent as during the beginning of the pandemic. Does knowing his ex’s history make Kourtney insecure? Why the change in Kourt? If Kourtney doesn’t jump on Travis in public, laying on him or straddling him, or touching tongues in front of others….will he think less of her? Or is Kourtney just that in love?

To be honest, Kourtney seemed a little uncomfortable lately. That smile in the bathroom video looked a little fake to me and hard to watch awkward, but who am I?  

I am no one but an anonymous person on a blog. Maybe I am a bit too conservative for someone in their thirties? Perhaps it’s not that deep, and I’m looking too close. Again, this is just my opinion, and I’m not trying to come off as a hater, so sorry if I have. I’m merely just observing what I have noticed through the years. I think the old Kourtney would have things to say to this new version of Kourtney. And that word rhymes with Slore. Respectfully, I’ll try to keep an open mind in the future. For now, I’m going to go outside and touch some grass.

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

"Hand me that loofah."

Keeping his face carefully averted, Pyro picked up the sponge, and tossed in Fabian’s general direction.

An angry “Watch it, you idiot!” indicated that the loofah had struck it’s intended target. Then there was a low chuckle.

“I get it. You’re a married man, after all. You can’t bear to look upon me, lest you completely lose your self-control. Don’t feel bad, you’re hardly the first.”

Pyro was, in fact, struggling not to lose his self-control, but was fighting the urge to vomit.

“You should have invited me to the wedding,” Fabian continued, accompanied by splashing sounds as he apparently flopped around in the tub. “Are we not friends?”

That sentence was technically true the way Fabian had phrased it.

“Yes,” Pyro responded simply.

“But I can understand that, too,” Fabian continued. “You didn’t want to be upstaged at your own nuptials, and my presence certainly would have captured all the attention.”

“Dominic and I thought you might be a bit too busy,” Pyro said, although the truth was less “thought” and more “hoped.” “We didn’t want to intrude on your valuable time.” He was absolutely going to relay this whole horrible conversation to Avalanche tonight over drinks, with a very exaggerated impression of Cortez.

“Well, I always make time for the little people!” Fabian exclaimed magnanimously. “Hand me that towel.” Water sloshed and Pyro was hit with a fine spray as Cortez stood up in the tub. At least it sounded like he was standing up, Pyro wasn’t going to look. He grabbed the nearest towel and thrust it blindly at the demanding voice.

A hand grabbed his wrist and yanked Pyro around, so that he was face to face with a dripping, naked Fabian Cortez, with soap suds sloughing off his glistening body. It was actually a very nice body, that was the worst part, with with a “package” that partially explained the man’s unearned confidence. But the smarmy, arrogant smile completely ruined the picture.

“Looking’s free, you know,” Fabian grinned.

Directing credit, Pyro thought fiercely to himself. Executive producer.

“Why don’t I give you some privacy to get dressed?” He said aloud, plastering a fake smile on his face. This would all be worth it when show’s profits started coming in, and then Pyro would get himself and Dominic matching His and His jet-skis.

He still wasn’t entirely sure how he wound up in this position. It had started with Shinobi pitching a reality show to the Council, which had somehow, inexiplicably, gotten a majority approval vote, possibly because Krakoa hadn’t been attacked in the last few weeks and the Council was bored. It was Survivor meets the Bachelor, in which groups of male and female mutants competed to win the hand of the handsome, debonair, and, most importantly, ridiculously wealthy Shinobi Shaw, through date nights and dinners and pointless jungle challenges of strength and skill.

Pyro had just made a few innocent comments, that was all. Just a couple of suggestions to Emma, who had wound up saddled with the bulk of the responsibility, about story arcs and pairings and how to arrange scenes for maximum drama and pathos. He understood that stuff, after all, as a romance novelist it was his bread and butter. (And he was a bit of a soap opera fanatic, but he wasn’t going to admit that freely.) Emma had listened with an eager, almost hungry glint in her eyes, and there had been a short conversation that had somehow ended with Pyro agreeing to serve as a writer, director and general creative supervisor, in exchange for a percentage of the profits and fairly massive salary. (Massive to Pyro, anyway, probably a drop in the bucket to Emma “Swimming in the money bin” Frost.)

And it actually had been kind of fun. “Reality” TV presented a unique challenge, in that he wasn’t allowed to directly tell the “performers” what to say, but he could do absolutely anything else to construct his creative vision. He could ask leading questions in the talking head interviews, edit scenes by splicing completely unrelated shots together, and put volatile contestants in a room with plenty of alcohol, then poke at them until they exploded.

Unfortunately, his duties had somehow gradually expanded to include talent-wrangling both on and off-set, which left him stuck making nice with Fabian Cortez, the most “colorful” (obnoxious) and, unfortunately, most popular, of all the contestants. Iceman would probably win the show as the nice, relatable, boy-next-door type, but Fabian was what kept viewers tuning in.

“Oh, that’s quite all right,” Fabian purred. He contorted his body as he toweled himself off, appearing to pose for nonexistant cameras. “I’m a generous man, I can spare you a bit of eye candy, even if our relationship must remain professional.”

“Yes, that would be best. Listen, we need you to do another challenge with Sienna Blaze.”

Fabian’s “generosity” quickly withered away.

“I will NOT get in front of a camera with that maniac! Such an uptight, ill-mannered, man-hating – well, I’m too much of a gentleman to use the word that she so richly deserves! She nearly killed me last time! Over a simple compliment!”

Yes, Pyro remembered it well. Fabian’s near barbeque had garnered record-high ratings. And hopefully tossing them into a mud-pit together in bathing suits would produce similarly explosive results.

“Oh yes, I know, Fabian,” Pyro cooed, hating himself a little. “She’s very difficult, and you’ve been such a professional about it.” He pulled up comforting mental images as he spoke. Jet-skis. Wagyu steak. Insanely expensive whiskey. Him and Dominic having a long honeymoon in Bali, Sydney, Seoul and Tokyo. All those zeros at the end of the check that Emma had given him.

“Well, a professional shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of shabby treatment!” Fabian said haughtily. He was finally wrapping the towel around his waist, to Pyro’s great relief. “I asked for Norwegian strawberries in my dressing room, and that idiot assistant brought me French!”

“I’ll look into it,” Pyro assured him, fully intending to send Fabian the exact same strawberries (which were, in fact, grown on Krakoa) with his apologies and a fake Norweigian label.

He had a vague notion in the back of his head that Emma should be handling this, Emma was supposed to be in charge! And yet she’d gradually eased the responsibility into Pyro’s arms, only sashaying onto set once every few weeks for a “status report,” and spending the rest of the time off performing mysterious and supposedly very important duties for the Hellfire Trading Company and the Council. She never picked up her phone or responded to voice mails.

It was okay, though. Pyro could handle this. He was a damn writer, and he was good at it, and he would poke and prod his stars through the storyline he had planned, because he was absolutely brilliant. Even Emma had said so.

“Anyway, don’t worry about Blaze,” Pyro insisted, his voice dripping with sticky-sweet honey. “We’ve given her a talking to about her behavior.” He had done no such thing. “I’m sure she’ll be much nicer to work with. In fact, we think the audience will really enjoy you putting her in her place. Really demonstrate your masculine superiority.” Was that too much? They couldn’t have Fabian dying on camera, after all, even though it would be hilarious.

“Well, I should hope so!” Fabian said, rubbing lotion carefully across his pecs. “I’m obviously carrying this entire show, and I will be treated with the respect I deserve.”

“You know,” Pyro added slyly, “I think she’s actually got a bit of a crush on you. You know how some women are.” No, this was definitely too much. Oh well, they could edit around Fabian’s inevitable death and resurrection, and in the mean time they’d get some amazing footage.

“Oh, of course,” Fabian said, with a leering understanding creeping across his face. “I suspected from the very beginning. She couldn’t handle my raw sensuality.”

“Who can, really?” Pyro hated this, he really hated every second of having to pull on the polite mask of social niceties and insincere compliments. It always seemed almost obscene. May as well just flip the other fellow over and start tongueing his arsehole, right? Except that was actually fun in the right circumstances.

But he’d done it before, as a journalist dealing with self-important sources, as a novelist schmoozing with publishers and book sellers. He could do it now, for the astronomical salary that Emma was paying him, and for the Prime Time Emmy Award for Outstanding Competition Program that was hovering in his sights. Emma had assured him that it was a strong possibility. Just imagine rubbing that in the faces of all the critics who had called him a talentless hack! They’d say…well, they’d probably say that an Emmy for trashy reality TV was the highest possible honor for a hack like him, but Pyro wouldn’t give a fuck, because he’d have an Emmy and they wouldn’t.

“C’mon, then, we’ll give you a quick touch-up with bronzer. We’re shooting the scene in fifteen minutes.” Pyro began to guide Fabian, still clad in only a towel, towards the bathroom door.

“We’ll shoot the scene when I’m ready, and not a second before!” Fabian insisted. It would probably be another hour of Fabian demanding and sending back expensive snacks before they could even get him to the set. Luckily, they were actually scheduled to shoot the scene in two hours.

“Yes, of course, whatever you want,” Pyro wheedled, imagining the satisfying explosion of flesh and blood that would very likely occur when Fabian and Sienna Blaze came into contact. And Fabian was going to do it, that much was clear now. “I know you’ll do a fantastic job. You’re brilliant you know, absolutely brilliant……”

For a moment, Pyro trailed off as a crack opened in his mental wall, and memories slipped out into the light. Emma pouring more wine into his glass during their monthly meetings, assuring him again and again that he was absolutely brilliant, a true artist, that the show would thrive in his capable hands.

“No, that’s completely different,” Pyro muttered to himself, shaking his head.

“What was that?” Fabian twisted around, the towel slipping dangerously low on his hips.

“Oh, nothing,” Pyro exclaimed brightly, slamming the mental wall shut again. “Now, let’s get you into make-up, ya big handsome star!”

[popatochisssp]

omg i’ve never done anything like this before but i just love how you write the boys so much that i thought this would be fun!

i guess to start i’m 20 years old and i’m in my third year of college studying criminal justice!

likes include food, watching tv (especially crime shows and trashy reality shows like the bachelor), astrology, kpop, reading (everything but especially true crime and fantasy novels!), and every single cat ever!

dislikes include when people interrupt or talk over/talk condescendingly to me, people that are overly strict/rigid, overly warm weather (i’m def a fall/winter kind of gal), insects, and when people are rude for no reason

i’m looking for someone who will push me to be my best (i’ve had a hard time recently but i started meds for my anxiety and have been trying to come out of my shell more!) but not be overly aggressive with it, they’ll support and encourage me when they know i can do it but also know when to take it easy and take a break! also as cliche as it is, just someone i can be friends with while being in a relationship and who will make me laugh whether it’s doing outside/adulting things or staying inside and binge watching netflix!

i guess the main dealbreaker would be if someone is detached/acts like a relationship doesn’t really mean much? i can be clingy and need assurance a lot (mostly because of my anxiety) so i would need someone who doesn’t mind reassuring me sometimes that i’m not a burden!

(this got really long omg i’m sorry)

Probably your best partner is going to be Sky (Underswap Sans)!

Your interest in crime and justice is something that really catches his eye-socket (as a Judge, himself!), and if you’re looking for ‘gentle encouragement,’ he’s just about the best there is. He’d love to help you be the best you can be, but he also knows that certain types of people have limits on how much they should be pushed, and he tries to be as respectful of that as he can so he knows when to leave you be.

He agrees with you that somebody you’re dating should be your best friend, too, so you won’t be lacking for laughs and fun while you’re together doing whatever couple-things you like to do. What’s even the point of dating if you’re not having fun, right?

You’ll also pretty much never have to worry about any detachment from Sky’s end-- he’s on the clingier side himself and is going to want to spend a lot of time with you, telling you how important you are to him and how much your relationship means to him. 

No need to wonder where you stand with him, he’s just too big on honest and open communication, with lots of love and support to go with it! :3

[awkwardnessandbaseball]

Match Makers

The first installment of Match Makers - my very first multi-chapter Captain Swan fic, and my very first multi-chapter AU of ANY show - is complete. I’m so proud of this story and I can’t believe the first part is already complete. I’ll be taking January to focus on CSJJ and CSLB, and then MM will be back with a part two, as yet unnamed. In between, hopefully I’ll get some one-shots in on Missed Connections, the companion piece to MM.

For now, please enjoy.

Summary:

Salesman Killian Jones has been in love with receptionist Emma Swan for as long as he can remember. While he's left pining away for her, a ring on her finger from another man, he's setting up half the office on dates. (In other words, OUAT in an Office 'verse)

AO3

Chapter One:

Killian Jones had been in love with Emma Swan since before he could remember.

Which meant he’d been working at this job for far too long. Storybrooke Paper Company was supposed to be a temporary thing. He was supposed to sell some paper, save up, and get out. But it had been three long years and here he was, still at the same desk, with the same crabby deskmate.

In love with the same - engaged - receptionist.

Killian started at SPC shortly before the engagement. Emma had been the first person to greet him - natural, with a title like receptionist and a desk by the front door. But then she’d been essentially the only person to greet him, aside from his overzealous, well-meaning boss, Regina.

“You must be the new salesman I ordered,” she’d said drily. “They didn’t charge me for international shipping, so that’s a plus at least!” Regina had cocked one eyebrow at him, waiting for him to acknowledge her joke about his accent.

“Ah yeah, they must have thrown that in for free,” Killian had managed, before heading for his desk and catching Emma’s eye on the way.

It had happened so naturally that Killian couldn’t even remember thinking about walking to her desk. He’d just done it. He’d walked over, leaned over casually, stuffed a few M&Ms from her jar into his mouth, and asked,

“Is she always like that?”

“Pretty much, yeah. She used to be more stern and serious, but this past year, she’s started trying to lighten up a bit. Sometimes it works and other times...well, you see.”

They’d talked about what else he could expect from his co-workers, to the point where they really couldn’t continue the conversation at reception, what with listening ears constantly...listening, so she’d invited him to lunch at an Italian place down the street.

“To welcome you to...whatever this place ends up being for you.”

During their hour-long lunch break, Killian had learned that Mary Margaret, from accounting, was straight-laced and no-nonsense, but she had a soft spot for Killian’s very own deskmate, David. David, of course, had no inkling of Mary Margaret’s feelings for him. Emma’s theory was that that was why he was so nasty all the time: he loved her back, but they were both too blind to see it.

He also learned that Emma was beautiful, funny, had the greatest smile he’d ever seen, and the most beautiful eyes to match. He learned that they both preferred the literary versions of anything to the film versions, that they both loved chicken parmesan and sweet potato fries, and that he would do anything to make her laugh this way all the time.

They’d gotten seats at the bar instead of a table, and they’d slowly gravitated towards each other, stools moving closer with every joke, and suddenly, right before he reached into his wallet to pay and maybe make a comment about a second date, she’d dropped the bomb.

“Oh, I should get these leftovers boxed for my boyfriend. His name’s Neal, he works in the warehouse. You’ll meet him soon enough.”

Three long, endless years and one proposal - but no wedding, Killian hastily added to himself - and he was still here. Still gossiping with the receptionist, still leaning over her desk casually to stuff candy into his mouth.

“Are you going to Mary Margaret’s bird party tonight?” she asked him.

“Wait, this party is for a bird? I thought it was for, like, a kid she’d never told us about or something. Surely you’re joking.”

“Killian. I would never joke about something as serious as a bird party. This is Archie’s 3rd birthday party we’re talking about.”

Killian laughed, which made Emma laugh. Which made Killian’s heart soar. Until the light caught off of her diamond ring and he - and his heart - crashed back down to earth.

“I do have another proposition for you though, love.” It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. He wasn’t one for pet names, especially for his just friends, but he found himself slipping into that one with ease. Oops.

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Her green eyes glinted with excitement - she likely expected some type of prank for David, or a revenge plan for Regina, who’d just had them waste exactly 3 hours in the conference room for a meeting about...what was it about? Regina’s time wasting meetings all blended together after a while, and Killian mostly spent his time in them laughing with Emma.

“A few of us are going out for drinks, thought maybe you’d like to come.”

“Oh, yeah actually, that sounds nice! I’ll ask Neal if he’s okay with it.”

Killian bit back a groan, nodded, and headed back to his desk.

It hadn’t taken long for Killian to meet Neal, as Emma had promised. He’d come barreling in that very afternoon, only a few short hours after Killian’s heart had been crushed by learning of his existence.

“You ready yet, babe? I wanna get home in time for the game.”

“It’s 4:45, Neal.”

“Yeah, so? Hey, Gina, you’re cool with Emma leaving early today, right?”

Killian turned quickly to look into the office behind him. He caught the dark flash in Regina’s eyes before she grinned and agreed.

“Sure, it’s been a long day, she’s worked hard. We’ll see you tomorrow, Emma!”

“You know she hates that nickname, Neal,” she’d whispered on her way out, with a quick wave to Killian. “It was nice meeting you today!”

“You, too,” but she was already gone.

Since then, Killian had tried to bond with Neal, hoping maybe he could somehow understand the relationship. Because, for the life of him, he couldn’t. Where Emma was smart and creative and fun, Neal was brash and rude and just sort of boring. He never listened when Emma spoke, never supported her in her endeavors. And Killian knew this because Emma came to him to talk instead. They had a standing lunch date in the kitchen, where she’d tell him all about all of her problems - or the problems of the people on the trashy reality TV she watched.

The fact that he could so easily click with this woman, while her fiance would barely say three words to him made no sense. Killian knew he could be a bit standoffish on his bad days, but overall, he thought he was a pretty good guy. He’d had a rough go of it for a while, but he tried his best not to let it affect his daily interactions with people. He didn’t know about Neal’s past - didn’t really want to - but he suspected that they had a bit in common, and that Neal was a version of who he could have been if he’d let the demons take him over.

Which is to say that Neal was always miserable, despite being engaged to one of the most beautiful women Killian had ever seen, and Killian did his best to keep his spirits up, despite the fact that the woman he was in love with was engaged to a total douche.

Because Killian was the person Emma went to with her problems, he knew that Neal regularly objected to workplace outings. Emma wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, preferring to keep to her quiet corner of the office most of the time, but she liked to get to know people. She liked going out with her co-workers, she’d told Killian, because she had to see the business side of them, and she wanted to know what they were like when they let loose, even a little bit. But Neal was a hermit, to borrow Emma’s word, and he didn’t care about his own co-workers downstairs in the warehouse, nevermind Emma’s co-workers up here in the land of fluorescent lights and candy jars and copy machines.

He already knew she wasn’t going tonight, even before he heard her cell phone buzz and saw the disappointed look on her face.

Damn Neal.

[melonoverlord]

All the headcanons for my birb boy

How does your muse feel about seafood?

He loves seafood. It’s one of the main ingredients in his favorite food.

What is their favorite piece of technology?

His communicator. It lets him stay connected with his friends he barely gets to see and take too many selfies for one boy to possibly take.

When did they lose their virginity?

He’s still a virgin. He almost lost it a couple years ago

Was their anything their parents pushed them to do? (e.g. sports, theatre, band)

His moms were pretty open with wanting Flor and Percy to do whatever they wanted, which meant Percy tried a lot of things from art to sports to finally piloting. The only thing they were barred from doing was joining the Revolution, which was beginning to pick up speed especially after the First Battle of Therion, which happened when Percy was nine. He was able to keep his moms’ wishes for about six years, but joined a little after his 16th birthday.

Describe your muse’s worst nightmare.

Losing the love of his life a second time.

What is a deal-breaker when it comes to dating someone?

If his melodrama with Castor is anything to go by, you’d have to be an outright Genesian apologist or murderer for him not to date you. He’ll get a lot of things go. Being mean to his sister is another deal breaker.

What was the most embarrassing moment in your muse’s life?

Having Castor say he doesn’t remember the kiss on Dryas, when Castor was the one to initiate the kiss.

What keeps your muse up at night?

Wondering if the only person who truly cares about him is Flor, and how long she’s going to let him stick around.

What chronic illnesses does your muse have, if any?

PTSD and a very minor form of bipolar disorder

Does your muse get carsick?

No, he has a stomach of steel. This is a kid who tried to eat play-doh as a kid

Does your muse wear glasses/contacts?

Right now he does while he’s undercover, he has to wear glasses which Flor makes fun of him for.

What are some warning signs that your muse is getting depressed?

He’s snappy at you, he’s quieter, and overall stops reaching out to anyone, even Flor

What is your muse’s favorite candy?

Peanut butter M&Ms

Does your muse have a “victory song” and if so, what is it?

‘The Last of the Real Ones’ by Fall Out Boy

Who do they tend to bicker with the most?

Flor and Val, though now Castor because Castor’s being an asshole.

Has your muse ever been hospitalized or institutionalized?

He had a really bad crash when he was still training to be in the Wings of Freedom and was in the infirmary for about two weeks. It was actually where he met his first boyfriend.

Does your muse pray, whether it be to a god or some other force?

He used to pray to Apollo, but as he’s grown up he’s stopped putting his faith in gods.

Has your muse ever lived in poverty?

Not directly in poverty, but his moms have always been pretty poor. His moms are too proud to take donations or money so he has to get the foreman to take the money he makes as a pilot to give his moms a raise. He’s glad that the people in the mines look out for each other so much.

Do they have any distinct voice mannerisms? (e.g. saying ‘like’ or ‘um’ a lot, stutters)

So many nervous laughs and a lot of “so….”

Where are your muse’s ancestors from? Do they keep any of their traditions?

His ancestors have always been from Helios until his moms immigrated to Therion, where they’ve been ever since. He doesn’t really follow their traditions except listen to their music and eat their food.

When did your muse learn about sex?

Ursula taught him and Flor on the back of his ship, including hand drawn illustrations.

What is your muse most thankful for?

Florina

What shoe size is your muse?

He don’t need shoes. He a bird.

Does your muse hate their middle name? \ What is it?

Leonardo. He hates it because people equated it to the Ninja Turtle. So he just goes by Percy.

How many hours a day do they spend on the internet/watching TV?

Too many hours watching Space American Idol and Space RuPaul’s Drag Race. The difference is that Space RuPaul is not transphobic like real RuPaul. Percy loves trashy reality TV

Does your muse have any trophies?

He got a homemade trophy made by Flor that said “Best Brother on Therion”. It was later stolen back when Percy stole all of Flor’s pants when they had an argument. He does have a “Wings of Freedom Employee of the Year” though.

If your muse was given the opportunity to go sky diving, would they?

Absolutely, just give the kid a parachute because he doesn’t trust his wings to carry him down.

What is the most common lie your muse tells themselves?

‘It’s my fault’

Has your muse ever had a pet? If so, what type?

No, he is a bird and a lot of pets like to chase after birds.

Who was your muse’s first kiss?

His first boyfriend.

What is your muse’s first memory?

Honestly, eating play-doh and hearing Marigold say “Oh my god, Perseus Leonardo Wright, what is in your mouth?”

How does your muse feel about crocs?

He doesn’t wear shoes, so he’s glad he never has to wear them.

What are your muse’s biggest pet peeves?

People who stop walking in the middle of the fucking street, Genesians, and people who don’t tip at restaurants.

What was your muse’s happiest birthday?

When he turned fifteen and spent the night of his birthday in the mine as a dare with the other kids he and Flor played with, and some of the older kids put on a game of ‘Hunt the Banshee’ for him, where he and the other younger kids had to hunt down a mysterious banshee through a supposedly haunted mine.

Does your muse cross their legs/ankles when they sit?

Percy is the kid who manspreads sadly. Unless there’s someone sitting next to him. Then he’s polite and closes his legs.

What simple task is your muse surprisingly bad at?

Flying with his wings. You’d think that flying is an innate skill but Percy would prove you wrong.

Did your muse ever own a Tamagatchi?

No but he thinks they’re super cute.

What was your muses’s first job?

Pilot for the Wings of Freedom

Does your muse usually go for truth or dare?

Dare. There is almost nothing this boy wouldn’t do for a dare.

Has your muse ever been to a concert?

He’s been to a couple on Helios with Flor.

What is your muse’s favorite holiday?

Candlenights, but this candlenights kinda soured things for him. But usually he loves the holiday.

Does your muse reply to scary chain emails/messages?

No, but he also doesn’t delete it. He has to be yelled at by Ursula to delete his spam folder.

Describe the first person your muse remembers losing.

His first boyfriend.

Would your muse ever roleplay?

It would be awkward at first, but he’d get into it.

What is your muse’s Hogwarts house?

Hufflepuff

What is your muse’s first thought upon waking up?

‘What’s for breakfast’

Name a song your muse can sing every word to.

‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA

Who would your muse sacrifice themselves for, if anybody?

Pretty much anyone, but most importantly his moms, Flor, Val, and Castor.

How long is your muse’s penis? || What bra size is your muse?

7 inches

If your muse could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?

Space Racism (Spacism)

[emilyplaysotome]

Part 37 - The Bachelorette

Down the Voltage Rabbit Hole is an ongoing story about our MC, who could easily be anyone in voltage fandom. She woke up in hospital bed only to discover that she’d somehow been transported Voltage universe.

This story is ongoing, so if you missed a part, or are new to the story, please use the link to the masterpost below to catch yourself up:

https://tinyurl.com/k4rrxna

Part 37 - The Bachelorette

I am not, nor have I ever been a religious person.

It’s fair to say that I am one of those people who would classify myself as “spiritual” in the sense that I like the idea of reincarnation better than heaven and hell, which has always felt so binary to me. 

I believe in the fact that we, as human beings, are limited in our understanding of the world around us. I have always considered myself to be agnostic, and I believe if God, or some higher power does in fact exist, he/she probably isn’t as petty as the God I learned about as a child in the bible stories that come to mind.

With that said, this particular God who ruled all over the heavens as king, appeared to be as petty as the God from the old testament.

“My poor little Zyglavis,” he said with an amused smile that I didn’t trust for a second, “Oh well! I suppose the events to come will provide me with great entertainment...and that’s really all I can ask of someone as insignificant as yourself.”

It was clear that this God was an omnipotent, all powerful shit-stirrer, and being aware of that fact I thought it unwise to rock the boat any more than I already had. I simply bowed my head in response, as I tried to formulate the best way to provoke him into giving me answers to all the questions that I was currently kicking around in my head.

When I found myself unable to find the right words, I found myself muttering an, “Um,” which turned out to be just as successful in inciting the king to engage with me further.

“Yes? Speak up human.”

“Your highness...you said I had a week. What do you mean by that?”

“The tome Huedhaut found - the door. I’ll be sure to give you a personal send off then.”

“But why in a week, why not just send me back now?”

“Because where would the fun in that be? The second I heard your thoughts to take someone home with you, I felt compelled to intervene. Giving you a deadline will only serve to make it a more enjoyable viewing for me.”

I had to chuckle at that - the king of the heavens was far more of a troublemaker than I ever anticipated. 

It was clear that intervention was not quite what he was after, and it would be more accurate to say that he wanted to shake things up and then bask in the afterglow. What he craved was obviously reality-tv style entertainment at the hands of a few Goldfish and one of his most trusted ministers. 

Not wanting to let him down, and seeing as how I have always been a fan of reality shows, I decided to take the bait and appeal to his desire for what I would consider to be good, trashy television.

“I’ll make a deal with you,” I said, fully aware of how brazen I was being towards a creature who could smite me with the snap of his fingers.

“A deal with me?”

The king of the Gods’ smile hid something darker, but I didn’t let that scare me. I was in the home stretch so to speak, and I was determined to win the otome game that I’d been playing these past few weeks.

“I get three overnight dates. One with each guy. At the end of the week I choose one of them to return home with me and you see to it that he’s able to do so...even if that means losing one of your ministers.”

“Oh-ho!”

It was suddenly clear where Leon had picked up that small quirk of his, and the King, visibly amused cocked his head to the side.

The idea of three overnight dates with three men, resulting in one winner evidently intrigued the king, as I figured it would. After all, the Bachelorette had built its entire franchise on this concept, and had managed to keep itself alive and booming for over a decade after it first premiered on television. 

If that format was good enough for millions of Americans I had to figure it’d be just as good for a God who loved a little drama.

“You know it’s forbidden for a Goldfish to lay with a God, do you not?”

“I do. But part of my deal with you, is that you allow it - you give us your blessing.”

“And what am I getting in return?”

“Entertainment. Each night this week you’ll be able to tune in and see what happens. Don’t you want to see if I’ll be able to seduce a man as steadfast as Zyglavis? Isn’t that why you were encouraging me to try moments ago? You want to test him. You want to know if his loyalty towards you can be swayed. But if it can...I get him. Do we have a deal?”

“We do.”

The king of the heavens seemed delighted at the prospect of watching me as the Bachelorette, and with a far off look in his eyes, muttered something to himself about being able to part with anyone other than his beloved Scorpio. Upon hearing that I wondered if Scorpio and the king might be lovers (considering his clear attachment), but seeing as how it was none of my business, and not wanting to engage the king further, I bowed once more and began to exit the bath.

“Goldfish.”

I paused, worried that the king might throw another curveball my way and timidly turned back to face him.

“Choose wisely. Good luck.”

With the snap of his fingers he was gone, and my time as the Bachelorette was just now beginning.

I’d watched a fair amount of reality tv in my day and knew full well what I was going to get myself into with these overnight dates. 

For once, the speed at which feelings grew between people in this world seemed to be beneficial, and I pondered how, on my overnight dates in a fantasy suite, I could accurately gauge the interest of “forever” with a man who I’d only known for a short amount of time.

On the show, The Bachelor(ette) they kept things vague in terms of how far things progressed sexually between the contestants, but knowing that I was going to be headed home in only a week made me certain insofar as how I wanted to handle things. 

I’m sure there will be many who would judge me for this, but I knew that I’d need to sleep with all of them (unless something happened on the date that prompted me to change my mind), in order to properly evaluate our sexual chemistry, along with our long term potential.

Back in Zyglavis’ room, I changed into my pajamas (not quite ready for bed) and sat at Operation GTFO HQ with my slice of cake and laptop. 

I had planned on starting to write lyrics for Revance, but with a new project fresh in my mind, I decided to focus on planning my last week in this world. Having been familiar with the king of the Heavens from the game back home, I knew him to be a trickster, who often set up situations for his own amusement. 

Even though he’d told me that he would send me home personally, I considered the fact that he might not be telling me the truth. He was the type of God who often did what would amuse him most, and if that involved me being stuck in this world, it was obvious that he’d have no qualms as far as backing out of our deal.

For the time being, I would stay committed to reclaiming my independence while going on my Bachelorette style dates. 

If the king were to back out of his promise to send me home, I hoped that Huedhaut and the other Gods might be able to get me back under the assumption that I returned to my old self and shook off the characteristics that kept me stuck in otome-ville.

With all this in mind, I did what I did best and put together a tentative plan for the week to come.

Tomorrow (or today, seeing as how it was 2:30 A.M.), I would go to Ryo’s cafe and whip up Revance’s lyrics for them. 

Once they were approved, I would ask the band to wire me payment for the songs which would hopefully cover a shopping spree on Sunday. Like any notable Bachelorette, I was going to need a fabulous wardrobe for my upcoming dates. 

The king of the Heavens was unfamiliar with the production value associated with a show like the Bachelorette, and in order to curry his favor I wanted to deliver. This meant using the money from Revance on gowns, hair and makeup, in addition to planning extravagant dates designed to create a real life fairy tale experience.

Once I secured the funds needed to bankroll a week of luxury and glamor, I would coordinate the first (and what may very well be the last) meeting of my restaurant club for Sunday night, knowing that Sakiko, Chisato, and the Conte MC would most likely be available. With a girls only friend date on the horizon, I then would assert my independence using the rest of Saturday as a day to bide my (alone) time by attempting to stretch my new fun-loving, free-spirited muscles.

I would have a “Treat Yourself” evening. 

I’d see a movie, go to a park, or maybe even try my hand at creative writing or read a book...anything that made me feel good. In this bizarro version of Tokyo there were plenty of things to see and do, and while most of the settings had been used as date backdrops, I was going to check them out myself.

With my Saturday now planned, I shifted my focus to what needed to be done on the following day.

On Sunday, I’d spend the morning and afternoon shopping with the money from Revance. Next, I’d need to book three different fancy hotels for my overnight dates - Tuesday/Wednesday, Wednesday/Thursday, and Thursday/Friday. 

I knew the schedule was aggressive, and that there was a nonzero chance I would be able to get all three men to agree, but I’d promised the king a show and I was determined to give him one.

It made the most sense to try and schedule Jin on Tuesday/Wednesday, seeing as how we’d just had a great date together and it would be easy enough to tell him that I couldn’t get him out of my head and wanted to see him again. He’d offered to take me out even if I was leaving Tokyo, so morally and ethically I didn’t feel bad on taking him up on that.

I figured having an overnight date with Shun during the Wednesday/Thursday time slot would be too aggressive (seeing as how I’d accepted his job offer and he was now my new boss), and planned to go out with him last, using our time at work together in order to line that up in the most natural way possible.

This meant that Zyglavis got my time Wednesday/Thursday, and I felt myself smiling with anticipation as I pictured what a date with him would look like. 

Unlike the other two men on my roster, Zyglavis was the most reserved. It was apparent that both Shun and Namba would have no qualms spending the night with me, but Zyglavis...he was a different story.

On that note, sexual chemistry in a relationship is something that has always been important to me, and while I knew that most of these nights would be awkward and chock full of navigating each other’s likes and dislikes, I hoped to walk away with a real understanding of how each man was in bed.

Was he communicative? Giving? Selfish? Tender? Rough?

I wanted to know before I could make my final choice, and I worried that convincing Zyglavis to break the rule of the heavens and lay with a Goldfish (despite the king’s blessing), might be an impossible task.

I sighed, alone in the empty room as I finished the last bite of my gateau slice, picturing Zyglavis somewhere in the heavens completely in the dark as to the fact the King had paid me a personal visit. 

It was obvious to me that he was the frontrunner in my heart, but that did not necessarily mean that he would be the best choice for my life back home. 

With such a short amount of time left, I’d need to really separate the fantasy of each man from the reality of what life with them would look like back in New York. Strong feelings and passion only go so far, and the most successful relationships are often between two people who share a deep mutual respect and friendship that results in an ability for them to grow as individuals, together.

On paper, Shun seemed to be the best fit for me. 

We worked in similar fields and I knew that he’d be able to easily find employment in New York. He was a cosmopolitan man who enjoyed the finer things in life, so living in New York City would suit him quite nicely. I could see him being a great plus one with my inner circle, charming them with his looks and manners, while also being able to hold his own in our conversations.

With this said, I needed to know if he was capable of being more than a charming, pretty face.

I worried he might be too much of a playboy for my tastes. I had little to no time to convince him to remove his mask for me, but I knew that before I could commit to him I would need to see who he was underneath his slick, creative director facade. 

I knew that I wanted someone who was kind and caring, and who, when things would get tough as they inevitably did in life, wouldn’t cut and run to something that seemed “easier”. 

Whereas Shun struck me as someone who preferred ease in his relationships, I knew that Namba could handle a rocky road from time to time. In the short amount of time we’d spent together, I was certain that he possessed the ability to be there for me in the way I wanted someone to be. 

The problem with him was his lifestyle. 

He’d told me himself that he’d been in the force for half of his life. He’d worked impossibly hard to move his way up to the high ranking position he was currently in and I couldn’t see him giving all that up in an attempt to join the NYPD or something similar back home.

I knew how close he was with his team and I worried that taking him home with me would force him into a world in which he was isolated and miserable. A scene of living with him in my studio apartment flashed through my mind, except this time he was depressed, smoking out a crack in the window while complaining about how gross and deplorable the city I lived in was.

Crime in New York City was so drastically different than crime in bizarro Toyko. Would he be able to handle terrorism? Murder? Sexual Assault? 

Or would the cruel world I came from destroy his optimism for life, and slowly beat him down day after day.

Finally, there was Zyglavis who would be trading in his unlimited cosmic powers for an itty bitty living space (literally speaking seeing as how I live in a small New York City studio apartment). 

He was the biggest wildcard of the group, and I had to think it was unlikely that should he be the one to join me he’d be able to keep his powers or immortality. With that in mind, could I even ask him to step foot through the door knowing that committing to me meant he’d be stripped of everything he found familiar. 

Furthermore, if he were to agree to do so, then what?

Zyglavis hadn’t worked a day in his life in the human realm. Would he be able to happily acclimate to his new life as a Goldfsih? Or would he lose patience with things and grow to resent me for dragging him along with me?

These questions weren’t going to get answered tonight, and with my eyelids growing heavy I decided to pick my planning back up tomorrow. 

I closed my laptop, hiding all traces of my upcoming plan should Zyglavis return prematurely and got under the covers, snuggling up to the pillow he’d laid on the day we’d almost kissed. It still smelled faintly of his hair and the lavender smell from the baths, and I hugged it tightly, quietly wishing that I'd see him sooner than I expected.

With the room pitch black, I found myself drifting off into a peaceful slumber.

That night, I had two dreams that felt more like a vision, and less like a mishmash of my subconscious trying to process the day. 

Both scenes took place in the King’s throne room, and I watched as the same conversation played out in two different ways. 

In the dream, Zyglavis was in his true form, which I had yet to see in real life. He was more beautiful than I could even attempt to describe, and in both scenarios I stood off to the side, as if I were an invisible bystander.

In the first scenario, the King had been the first to speak.

“Zyglavis, I have paid your Goldfish a visit.”

Zyglavis blushed fiercely, breaking eye contact with the King and said, “It would be inaccurate to describe Ami as ‘my’ Goldfish, but with that aside, why have you done so if I may inquire?”

“She and I have come to an understanding. She will be allowed to take a man from this world home with her, should he give his consent, and you are in the running.”

“Me?”

The king chuckled, seeing through Zyglavis’ feigned surprise.

“Yes. She even went so far as to demand my blessing...which I gave her. You should feel free to have your way with her.”

Zyglavis blushed furiously, unable to mutter anything other than, “Yes, your highness” as he stared down at his feet.

“But hear this - should you chose to go with her you will no longer be a Minister of Punishments. Scorpio will succeed you, and though you will be able to return to this realm once the mortal dies, you will be unable to return to the high position you currently hold. Gods will no doubt talk, and it could be entirely possible that upon your return you will be considered the disgraced God of Libra by your peers.”

“I see.”

“However, note this. True love is something that alludes both men and Gods in their lifetime. Many will go through this life never knowing what it is to experience something so priceless. If this is in fact love, you would be foolish to turn your back on it. Consider these words.”

“Yes your highness.”

With that, the king smirked and dismissed Zyglavis. He started to leave and then paused. Sensing his unease the king addressed him once more.

“What is it?”

“These...other men. Who are they?”

The king chuckled, clearly tickled to see his stoic minister showing signs of petty jealousy.

“Zyglavis. Fear not. You are a God. And a man is no match for a God.”

Zyglavis gave the king a small nod, and with that he exited. 

The king turned towards me, and breaking the fourth wall smiled, as he snapped his fingers.

A bright light flashed before my eyes and I saw the two together once more. In this second scene, Zyglavis was the first to speak.

“Your highness, you wanted to speak with me?”

“Yes, Zyglavis. As you know, I have paid the Goldfish a visit.”

“How did it go?”

“Swimmingly,” the king said, laughing at his own bad joke, “I have given you both my blessing. You should not feel as if you have to hold anything back.”

Zyglavis smirked, “I don’t think that will be necessary. Taking advantage of a woman’s affection is not my style.”

To that, an angry look flashed through the king’s face.

“Zyglavis - you will put aside how you normally proceed to ensure that she picks you. I cannot have her taking anyone from this world home to hers.”

Zygavis’ expression became stoic and obedient, “Yes, your highness.”

“My trusted Minister. I knew I could count on you.”

“You honor me your majesty.”

The king smiled, and then as if something unpleasant crossed his mind he became serious and asked, “Tell me, do you feel badly at all for the Goldfish?”

“A little, but it is for the greater good - the logical way to proceed. I look forward to the time when I can return to serving you and the Department of Punishments once more.”

“Very good. You are dismissed.”

With his head held high, Zyglavis coolly turned and exited the room. Just as he had in the first scenario, the king broke the fourth wall and with a harsh look, addressed me directly.

“One is true, one is false. Which one? That I cannot say…Choose wisely Naomi.”

He snapped his fingers, and I jolted awake, covered in sweat and breathing heavily.

Daylight streamed in through the windows, and I checked the time to see it was 10 in the morning. 

I put a hand over my racing heart, reminding myself that it had just been a dream. However, as quickly as that thought crossed my mind, I turned to see something on the nightstand that hadn’t been there before.

Almost as if he wanted to hammer the point home, I picked up the card which had my name, my real name, on the envelope. 

It read:

Not a dream Naomi - One true. One false. Choose wisely or go home alone.

I sighed aloud, realizing how difficult my last week was going to be. Now that the king of the heavens was involved, I had opened myself up to unforeseen challenges, no doubt in the interest of making things more interesting for him.

I had been the one who was foolish enough to suggest a “Bachelorette” style competition in order to secure who would accompany me home, and like any good reality producer the king had merely stirred the pot.

To be continued…in Part 38

Let the games begin! Who are you rooting for? Next chapter up will be up on Monday but cast your vote now!

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Sorry if I missed anyone and let me know if you want to be added/removed!

[awkwardnessandbaseball]

Match Makers

Lovers of The Office and Once Upon a Time, read on.

AO3

Summary: Killian Jones has been in love with Emma Swan for as long as he can remember. While he's left pining away for her, a ring on her finger from another man, he's setting up half the office on dates.

Chapter One below the cut.

Killian Jones had been in love with Emma Swan since before he could remember.

Which meant he’d been working at this job for far too long. Storybrooke Paper Company was supposed to be a temporary thing. He was supposed to sell some paper, save up, and get out. But it had been three long years and here he was, still at the same desk, with the same crabby deskmate.

In love with the same - engaged - receptionist.

Killian started at SPC shortly before the engagement. Emma had been the first person to greet him - natural, with a title like receptionist and a desk by the front door. But then she’d been essentially the only person to greet him, aside from his overzealous, well-meaning boss, Regina.

“You must be the new salesman I ordered,” she’d said drily. “They didn’t charge me for international shipping, so that’s a plus at least!” Regina had cocked one eyebrow at him, waiting for him to acknowledge her joke about his accent.

“Ah yeah, they must have thrown that in for free,” Killian had managed, before heading for his desk and catching Emma’s eye on the way.

It had happened so naturally that Killian couldn’t even remember thinking about walking to her desk. He’d just done it. He’d walked over, leaned over casually, stuffed a few M&Ms from her jar into his mouth, and asked,

“Is she always like that?”

“Pretty much, yeah. She used to be more stern and serious, but this past year, she’s started trying to lighten up a bit. Sometimes it works and other times...well, you see.”

They’d talked about what else he could expect from his co-workers, to the point where they really couldn’t continue the conversation at reception, what with listening ears constantly...listening, so she’d invited him to lunch at an Italian place down the street.

“To welcome you to...whatever this place ends up being for you.”

During their hour-long lunch break, Killian had learned that Mary Margaret, from accounting, was straight-laced and no-nonsense, but she had a soft spot for Killian’s very own deskmate, David. David, of course, had no inkling of Mary Margaret’s feelings for him. Emma’s theory was that that was why he was so nasty all the time: he loved her back, but they were both too blind to see it.

He also learned that Emma was beautiful, funny, had the greatest smile he’d ever seen, and the most beautiful eyes to match. He learned that they both preferred the literary versions of anything to the film versions, that they both loved chicken parmesan and sweet potato fries, and that he would do anything to make her laugh this way all the time.

They’d gotten seats at the bar instead of a table, and they’d slowly gravitated towards each other, stools moving closer with every joke, and suddenly, right before he reached into his wallet to pay and maybe make a comment about a second date, she’d dropped the bomb.

“Oh, I should get these leftovers boxed for my boyfriend. His name’s Neal, he works in the warehouse. You’ll meet him soon enough.”

Three long, endless years and one proposal - but no wedding, Killian hastily added to himself - and he was still here. Still gossiping with the receptionist, still leaning over her desk casually to stuff candy into his mouth.

“Are you going to Mary Margaret’s bird party tonight?” she asked him.

“Wait, this party is for a bird? I thought it was for, like, a kid she’d never told us about or something. Surely you’re joking.”

“Killian. I would never joke about something as serious as a bird party. This is Archie’s 3rd birthday party we’re talking about.”

Killian laughed, which made Emma laugh. Which made Killian’s heart soar. Until the light caught off of her diamond ring and he - and his heart - crashed back down to earth.

“I do have another proposition for you though, love.” It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. He wasn’t one for pet names, especially for his just friends, but he found himself slipping into that one with ease. Oops.

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Her green eyes glinted with excitement - she likely expected some type of prank for David, or a revenge plan for Regina, who’d just had them waste exactly 3 hours in the conference room for a meeting about...what was it about? Regina’s time wasting meetings all blended together after a while, and Killian mostly spent his time in them laughing with Emma.

“A few of us are going out for drinks, thought maybe you’d like to come.”

“Oh, yeah actually, that sounds nice! I’ll ask Neal if he’s okay with it.”

Killian bit back a groan, nodded, and headed back to his desk.

It hadn’t taken long for Killian to meet Neal, as Emma had promised. He’d come barreling in that very afternoon, only a few short hours after Killian’s heart had been crushed by learning of his existence.

“You ready yet, babe? I wanna get home in time for the game.”

“It’s 4:45, Neal.”

“Yeah, so? Hey, Gina, you’re cool with Emma leaving early today, right?”

Killian turned quickly to look into the office behind him. He caught the dark flash in Regina’s eyes before she grinned and agreed.

“Sure, it’s been a long day, she’s worked hard. We’ll see you tomorrow, Emma!”

“You know she hates that nickname, Neal,” she’d whispered on her way out, with a quick wave to Killian. “It was nice meeting you today!”

“You, too,” but she was already gone.

Since then, Killian had tried to bond with Neal, hoping maybe he could somehow understand the relationship. Because, for the life of him, he couldn’t. Where Emma was smart and creative and fun, Neal was brash and rude and just sort of boring. He never listened when Emma spoke, never supported her in her endeavors. And Killian knew this because Emma came to him to talk instead. They had a standing lunch date in the kitchen, where she’d tell him all about all of her problems - or the problems of the people on the trashy reality TV she watched.

The fact that he could so easily click with this woman, while her fiance would barely say three words to him made no sense. Killian knew he could be a bit standoffish on his bad days, but overall, he thought he was a pretty good guy. He’d had a rough go of it for a while, but he tried his best not to let it affect his daily interactions with people. He didn’t know about Neal’s past - didn’t really want to - but he suspected that they had a bit in common, and that Neal was a version of who he could have been if he’d let the demons take him over.

Which is to say that Neal was always miserable, despite being engaged to one of the most beautiful women Killian had ever seen, and Killian did his best to keep his spirits up, despite the fact that the woman he was in love with was engaged to a total douche.

Because Killian was the person Emma went to with her problems, he knew that Neal regularly objected to workplace outings. Emma wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, preferring to keep to her quiet corner of the office most of the time, but she liked to get to know people. She liked going out with her co-workers, she’d told Killian, because she had to see the business side of them, and she wanted to know what they were like when they let loose, even a little bit. But Neal was a hermit, to borrow Emma’s word, and he didn’t care about his own co-workers downstairs in the warehouse, nevermind Emma’s co-workers up here in the land of fluorescent lights and candy jars and copy machines.

He already knew she wasn’t going tonight, even before he heard her cell phone buzz and saw the disappointed look on her face.

Damn Neal.