#he’s so damn pathetic why is he holding the spatula with the tips of his fingers (affectionate)

[r-aindr0p]

Man the jury is unhinged on those culinary crucible event

I genuinely thought for a few seconds that Ortho would idk casually nuke the food

[fuwafuwamedb]

A Cursed G Pt 2 (Hakuno, Gilgamesh)

Previous Part: One - Haku POV / Gil POV

______

“I’ll have you know, I have a feral pet that will kick your ass the moment he sees you,” Hakuno warned him. “Him and my husband will kick your ass.”

The man looming over her closed his eyes and let out a gentle sigh.

“I have no concerns about your pet,” he purred. “As for your husband. He will be me as the former is. Take heart, you have proven yourself worthy of being mine. It is a luxury that, as the actors in your painting say, few can afford.”

Painting?

Husband?

The man was completely insane.

She needed to be going. She needed to be getting the hell away from this man before he ended up killing her. She’d seen these kinds of attacks and assaults in the movies. Even more, she lived in the city. She wasn’t going to shove her head in the sand and pretend that this wasn’t possible.

“You’ve gotten quiet.”

Think.

She needed to get out from under him. She needed to get to the door or her phone. Finding G would be important as well. The poor cat had probably been tossed into her closet or something.

Had he truly gotten himself stuck in there all those times that Emiya had come over?

A hand moved under the hem of her shirt, his hands holding hers in place.

“STOP!”

“Why?”

Why?

She could think of a good couple dozen reasons why this man needed to stop touching her. First and foremost being that she didn’t want him and she definitely didn’t want that kind of attention right now.

“Hakuno,” he drawled, moving his hand out from under her shirt and to her hair, brushing it back from her face.

She flinched from his touch.

It was instinctive.

“…Let me go.”

“I have waited for this opportunity.”

What had she done differently this evening that she hadn’t done before? Her eyes drifted to the window, to where her windows were still locked and closed. Her eyes went from there to the door, leaning back to stare at the deadbolt still in place.

Wait…

“…How did you get in?”

“You brought me here.”

Oh no, she hadn’t.

She was pretty damn sure she wasn’t letting strangers into her home in her sleep and locking up the house once they were in.

The urge to ask about G was on the tip of her tongue, but she stopped herself.

Revealing that G was in the house could result in him becoming upset or hurting G. The last thing she wanted was to lose the cat when she had saved him.

“…I need to use the restroom.”

It was a poor excuse, but it was all she could think of at the moment. The man stared once more at her before pulling back slowly.

“Don’t force me to hold you down again, woman. I have no intention of harming you. You should do the same.”

“Sure.”

The man pulled her to her feet, slowly guiding her over to the restroom in her home. He seemed to know that the door was stubborn, lifting the door slightly so that it would open right up.

“We can discuss returning to my home when you finish.”

“Of course.”

She wasn’t going to do that, but he could think that that was the plan. Her eyes drifted around the room once the door closed and she began to think.

There was only one door to this bathroom. It was her guest one and one that she didn’t leave many things in. Underneath the sink she had some chemicals. There were a couple towels for the shower in case she had company stay over one day.

Yanking open the cabinet, she glanced through her armory.

Toilet bowl cleaner.

Window cleaner.

A toilet brush and plunger.

Toilet paper.

Her eyes went to the hammer in the back of the cabinet.

Of course!

G had hated the sound of her hammer when she had hung up a painting in this bathroom so she’d abandoned her hammer here to go comfort him.

I love that cat.

She packed the toilet bowl cleaner under her arm just in case.

Two seconds and she’d be spraying the bastard with something that would take medical attention. Somehow she doubted that this man had the capability to go to the hospital. There was probably already a warrant out for his arrest.

Her hand pulled at the toilet handle.

Slowly, carefully, Hakuno lifted and pushed the door open, the hammer held low as she looked around the door.

He wasn’t in the hallway.

He was probably in the kitchenette area near the front door.

However, this meant she could look for G.

A good swing with her hammer and G in her arms, she could make a run for it.

“G,” she whispered. She clicked her tongue quietly, heading towards her bedroom. “G, where are you?”

He had to be close.

The cat practically was attached to her hip when she was home. Having him away from her was making her uncomfortable.

“G?”

She inched her door open.

“Hakuno?”

Her movement paused, her arm hiding the hammer just inside the bedroom.

“What are you doing with that bottle?”

“Oh.” Hakuno grinned. “I forgot I needed it in the other bathroom.”

The man rolled his eyes, “then put it in your bathroom and be done with it. We have more pressing matters to discuss than your bathroom bottles.”

Bathroom bottles?

Did he not know what cleaner looked like?

The brand alone should have been what he called it. That or bowl cleaner.

He’d mentioned paintings talking too. He wasn’t necessarily sane.

Forget the bottle.

She moved into her room, looking around in vain.

No G.

Where?

There was the closet by the front door.

If the man had somehow managed to get in through the front door, then he may have tossed G into the closet out there and knocked him out.

If that was the case, then she would just need to knock the man out and grab her case as she fled.

Her phone wasn’t in her room either, she noted.

“Hakuno!”

“I’m coming!”

She hurried along the hallway, peeking around the corner to see the man standing in front of her counterspace.

“You haven’t eaten this evening.”

Drugs.

“I’m not hungry,” she told him.

“I wasn’t asking.” He motioned at the table nearby. “Sit.”

Another nod. She was moving around him, getting behind his back and moving the hammer carefully into her hands.

The closet door was closed. It was no doubt where her cat was. She could throw it open as she undid the front door bolt. Doing so would give her a moment for him to get around the door to get her if he didn’t get completely knocked out.

Three.

Two.

The man moved so quickly that she couldn’t even register what was going on. The hammer was out of her hands, tossed onto the counter a moment before he was pulling her close.

“I feed you and you try to attack me?!”

“I’m not staying with some trespassing, perverted bastard!”

“I was born from a married couple. I’m a damned king, woman, not a bastard.”

“You’re delusional.”

“I’m quite clear headed. As are you.”

“If you leave now, I won’t call the cops.” She glared straight up at him. “I’ll consider this a wrong address thing. I won’t report this. You can go back to where you came from and I will-“

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re invading my home.”

“How can I invade your pathetic excuse for a home when you brought me here?”

She should have taken psychology or something instead of cultural studies for a degree. She wasn’t sure if talking this through with him was actually going to work.

“Hakuno!”

“I’m listening!” She glared at him. “I did not bring you here. The only people I have brought here is my friend.”

“Friend.” He scoffed. “You call that white haired mongrel a friend? He’s lucky I didn’t claw his face off when he tried leaning against you when that overly flowery play was being performed on your painting.”

Her mouth opened to argue, but…

There was no way that he could know about that moment the other week.

Emiya had been over to comfort her about the house invasion. G had been between them and had scratched at his chest when Emiya had moved a bit too close. She’d apologized and she’d turned off that romantic film that had been on, having not enjoyed it anyway.

There had been no one in her home.

Both she and Emiya had looked.

“Why are you calling the television a painting?”

“It is much like a painting, hanging on the wall and showing pleasing images.”

“…And how do you know about that moment? The only people at my home at that time was myself and Emiya.”

He sighed as though she were the thick one.

He held up his wrist.

“…Where’s G?”

“Are you truly going to make a man confess to licking himself for what must have been a couple dozen passings of the sun?”

Passings of the-

No one talked like this.

“I’m not going to ask again. Where is my cat?”

He rolled his eyes, releasing her and returning to the stove.

“We will leave in a bit. You need to eat first.” He was messing with a spatula and eggs on the stove. “Since you are well aware of Uruk, then I shall allow you to take the lead in returning me home. Once we are there, I will reward you properly.”

“Of course. Of course, Don Quixote.”

She was just as mad as the senile hero from that story.

The man glanced back at her, his eyes drifting to the window.

“It’s getting closer to dawn. It will fare better for us to leave in the morning light.”

She was going to scream the moment they made it outside and got around people. Better yet, she was going to find his doctor and ensure the doctor figured out how he had escaped before.

He could keep the cat collar.

It really hadn’t been that expensive at all.

“Now then.” The man motioned her into her seat and set the eggs in front of her. “You inquired about Sumerians. You’ll learn soon enough about my people.”

“I’m not hungry-“

“Do you think it poisoned?”

The quick question only made her give him a droll look, waiting.

That was exactly what she was thinking. Someone that was insane, breaking into her home, telling her that she was going to travel on over to what was modern day Iraq just to take him home, telling her that he was her cat because he was wearing the collar that she’d given G; he was entirely loony and bound to do anything.

The man took a couple bites of the eggs, tossing the fork onto the plate.

“I don’t eat eggs-“

“You had them almost every morning this week.”

How did he know that?!

It was creepy that he knew that much about her life.

Her eyes drifted around him, to where her phone was lying on the counter.

“…I forgot that I made plans with Emiya. I need to cancel-“

“You made no plans. You’re a poor liar.” He shoved a forkful of egg into her mouth and sat down across from her. “Cease your nonsense and listen to me. You are plain and you are average in nature and personality.”

Great.

“However, you have proven yourself to be something of merit. Lackluster and in need of proper guidance, but promising.”

This was somehow worse to hear than seeing her F on paper and getting lectured by her professor.

“I have decided that you will be suitable as a maiden in my palace. Another wife, in fact.”

“Another wife?”

What a compliment. He’d gone from insane to insulting in five seconds flat.

If he became murderous, she’d have the three big signs to get the hell out of her house.

After this was over, she was going to strap her phone to her leg and never let it go. She’d carry an extra battery just in case too.

“Hakuno,” the man tilted her chin back.

Those red eyes simply gleamed.

“Your struggles were entertaining to watch, but the sheer determination, both encouraging the faker to give you information and keeping him from touching you or being promised anything from you other than a paltry friendship and half burnt food was impressive. I have listened to your speeches, watched you hold yourself together through harsh diplomats giving you the infernal F rating that is undesirable and costing you your occupation.”

She munched on some of the eggs, frowning at the taste.

Her eyes drifted to the fluffy eggs.

“What are in these?”

“I have placed some churned butter and milk into the eggs. It should add to the taste.”

It was good.

She ate a bit more, watching as the first rays of light came through the window.

“As my wife, you shall not need to concern yourself with mongrel ratings. In fact, I have planned to send my friend Enkidu to pay this man a visit when we are done returning to Uruk.”

He opened his mouth to continue, but a light flashed in the room.

G was sitting in the seat near her, his meowing incessant and loud.

The cat leaped down, rolling a little at the awkward height. Immediately, he was running circles and crying loudly about something.

G was…

Hakuno glanced at the eggs again.

She stared at her cat, watching him run around her ankles and cry loudly.

“…I’m dreaming.”

That was it.

She’d spent ages handling all of that work at her day job and handling her courses during the mornings on certain days for so long that her mind had plotted the whole scenario.

First things first, she picked up her phone and checked her messages.

A couple messages about studying from Emiya.

She watched G follow after her and hesitated outside her room.

“G, if you’re a human trapped as a cat, do something very uncatlike.”

The cat closed his eyes a moment before heading over to her stove in the kitchen. He motioned at the stove still being on.

It was impossible.

“Come on, G.”

Hakuno picked the cat up and headed for her room.

“I need some serious sleep.”