#hence the 4:51am timestamp

[never-not-ever]

So it's currently 3:50am, curious what time it'll be by the end of this (most likely essay of a) post, I mean do you expect any less of me?

So it's 3:50am and I am almost done bleaching and coloring my hair 🙃. I'm actually like really, really excited for this. The bleaching didn't get to a blonde, more like a light peach... I'll post pictures later. But I almost, for a split second was like should I just leave it like this??? Cause I thought it looked good lmao. The bottom had a slight tint of pink. My hair was red last summer.... I'll save the rest of this for the finished product post lol.

So when I think back.. I've been awake since like 3pm Friday and had a 2 hour "nap" this morning. Like for me right now it's Saturday night in my eyes. So in the last 37 hours I slept for 2 of those kinda in the middle. Hmm.... And like I'm not tired. Which is strange. But I'm probably going to stay up til the sunrises around 7, go out and shovel and then come in and go to bed. Or maybe I'll be energized and I'll stay up even longer doing god knows what.

So I did attempt to go to sleep at like 7am this morning but then got stuck in the past. I have legit 2 things in my drafts about this so let me try to make it shorter and sweet. This morning I put a song on repeat to fall asleep to and it reminded me of this past fall and then I thought back to the video diaries I used to make (mostly when I was drunk and emotional). So I watched a couple of them trying to find a specific one cause I had said something that really stood out to me after watching it but I couldn't find that video.

Fast forward through the day, all my errands with my Nana (I'll get back to those) and I'm refilling all the Air Wicks in my apartment, I have like 4, and I didn't realize the scent I chose was one I had back in the fall. So now this, quite lovely scent, is all throughout my apartment and it just feels like I'm back in that shitty time period. Which I guess kind of makes sense? Like emotion wise it's similar. I actually found a different video this morning and started editing it shorter (instead of trying to sleep) cause I vaguely talked about SI thoughts and hopeless and I made a couple good points that I think could be relatable but honestly.. I don't know what was more sad, hearing the pain in my voice back then or realizing that everything I said, how I felt, what I thought back then.. still applies 3 months later.

Anywho I might make a different post of my errands/day but I'll just say this. Me and my Nana left at 11am and we didn't get back til like 6 and I just felt so overly stimulated by her. It wasn't bad, she wasn't that annoying tbh, just talked a lot. In fact I said to her on the drive home "I'm sorry I was irritable today (she actually said to me at one point "why are you so irritable?" 🙄).. it doesn't have anything to do with you I've just been having a hard time lately". Which I don't know if she couldn't hear me or didn't understand what I was saying but I had to reframe it a couple times and thus ended up sounding irritated again 😐.

About a half hour after I got home I FaceTimed with a friend who I haven't talked to/FaceTimed in so long. She lives in NC so I don't get to see her that much. Honestly I felt so hyper the second I got home, like the complete opposite of during the day... Like bouncing off the walls, making stupid "haul" videos of the places I went to as if I was going to make a Tik Tok about it. Speaking of, I also have videos from the beach today-another Tik Tok I wanted to make and I filmed parts of the hair bleaching/dying process. Like back in the fall I did this all the time. All these ideas and videos and never even made them into anything. Just taking up so much space in my phone. I seriously need to clear it out.

Okay it's 4:12, I need to go rinse this out.