#here you go!!! my first t.annis reply

[pseudoneiiric]

@deathwis​ sent:  “i was never permanent, was just another stop along the line” ( radical face edition ) » dennis abt tanya to anthony mayhaps ? 👁️ or just dennis to tanya !!  /  accepting!

vulnerability isn’t exactly something tanya’s good with. as much as she pretties herself up with painstakingly-applied eyeshadow and lip gloss, she’s not as feminine as she parades herself to be. the dainty clothing and cloying smiles are a facade — that much became obvious when she hacked all her hair off, blazed a trail to something more fierce and independent. but surprise, surprise — that didn’t work, either. now that she’s independent and headstrong, she finds something in her lacking, something that clamours to be protected and loved without end. this is exactly why she doesn’t do the whole “introspecting” thing that anthony’s always been so fond of. too much work, and it just makes her more confused than before.

and that’s why, she admits to herself with a silent sigh, she and dennis can’t be together. because dennis wants something from her, something that’s hard. he wants her to open up that heart of hers and house him inside. but he’s just too — too big, too much. too big a risk. as much as he offers up his promises and his devoted eyes (eyes she could get lost in, eyes that could lead her right down to hell), she knows that he has no plans, never has. he’s too reckless, not enough of a sure thing. not like her vince, a possessive edge to her thoughts even if she knows that her feelings for the older man are a far cry from what’s blazing in her chest. regret, maybe? pity? god, she said she wasn’t going to do any of this introspecting shit! fuck, she hopes anthony hasn’t rubbed off on her permanently. no offence, but that kid’s going to worry himself into an early grave.

finally, the woman sighs, folding her arms over her chest and offering up a wounded stare. dennis, her first love (sometimes she wonders if he’s her only love), always someone tall enough that she has to look up to him. she’s only ever felt safe in his arms, only ever wanted to let her guard down around him. (ugh, that’s not true, there’s anthony, but she’s not an idiot, she knows it’s different with anthony.) “what do you want me to say?” offering up phrases that never soothe, only ever tear apart. “that we’re gonna get married? have kids together and live in a miserable little white-picket fenced house? get real, dennis. you know how mom would — ” but this isn’t really about mom, is it? if she were out here looking for parental approval, she never would have left the church, or cut her hair, or dated dad’s coworker. not to mention she wouldn’t be saving whatever she can to get out of this hellhole. no, if she were like that, she’d be a carbon copy of good boy anthony, with a permanent hunch in his back from kissing anne and james’ asses. she cuts herself off to look away from dennis, knowing that she won’t be able to handle the way his face will contort and show off his bleeding heart. “besides, i’m with vince now. you know, the guy you’re being unnecessarily hostile to? he might even be your big brother some day.” salt in the wound, she knows, but he deserves to feel it. maybe it’ll soak up some of that moisture that’s making him so sappy all of a sudden.

he should just get over her. she’s gotten over him. fuck, okay, she hasn’t, but she’s at least trying. but typical dennis is just rotting away in his own grief instead of moving on. though she can’t deny that she prefers it that way, knowing how much it would hurt her if he found someone else. if she knew that the door was always closed to her, even if she herself is the one trying to force it shut.