#hes stupid and a weeb i think he wouldve had a good time

[etherealskeletons]

i was cleaning up my email and deleting some of my old cringe ass accounts from when i was a kid [like my old deviantart & crunchyroll] today and ohf child me was such a weaboo ass cringefest

i also found old emails and roleplays i had with R. they were terrible, but what do you expect from a couple of fuckin weebs. it made me feel kinda nostalgic at first, but then i was filled with dread and i have this sick feeling in my body i hate it

i know i shouldnt have read any of them bc i KNOW they woulda made me sad, but i guess im a glutton for punishment! everything about it just made me sad bc fuck dude we were jus dumb kids and then we turned into teens and thats when things started to get really fucking heavy and reading it all just made me remember everything we went through and now im jus sitting here like :/

sometimes i wonder what my life woulda been like if we stayed together, or at the very least stayed friends. on my really bad days where i feel like im trapped and i feel like my life has no meaning or direction, i think sticking myself to her side woulda been great! because i remember all the promises she made me. but everytime i slip in that mindset i have to take a step back and remind myself that it wouldve been really really bad;

it wouldve been filled with empty promises and i wouldve been absolutely isolated since she didnt like me having any friends that she didnt approve of, and she didnt approve of me being friends with anyone because she hated anyone liking me - if anyone said i love you to me, even in a friendly manner, i guess that meant i was fuckin them and id be banned from seeing them. any friends id make would instantly go away because shed literally threaten them with a hatchet and told them if they spoke to me shed cut them. jesus christ even family members couldnt say i love you to me without her accusing me of fucking them

anything i was excited about was stupid and meaningless, short haircuts made me look obese and disgusting so i had to have long hair and be ultra feminine because its what she likes and i didnt wanna be seen as disgusting or fat because of my ED and body dysmorphia and also because i wanted to please her, if my attention wasnt always on her she would get pissed and extremely needy/clingy, she would touch me inappropriately in front of others even if i said no shed just do it anyway because i guess i made her horny and i dont have rights. god she even cheated on me multiple times with a guy who i guess was just like me but he had a dick and wouldnt stop talking to me about how great he is and how hes basically my replacement when im not around and how i shouldnt get pissed off about it bc he REALLY IS just me with a dick!! i guess i shouldve been honored, or smth, idk. shed have her friends harass me on multiple platforms [cellphone, email, etc.] if i was mad at her to stop being mad at her bc were soooo good together and im being a selfish fucking asshole for not liking getting cheated on or for not wanting to get molested in front of her friends

even when we tried being friends she would still act like this. she was extremely possessive and would try to get in the middle of every relationship i would try to have with other people because she couldnt, or wouldnt, get out of this mindset of i belong to her and her only.

i have to keep reminding myself that she never really cared about me. our entire relationship was abuse. it was shitty, it was bad, and i shouldnt be thinking “but what if it wasnt as bad as i remember” or “what if it didnt turn out like i thought” because it was that bad and it wouldve continued being that bad, maybe it wouldve gotten worse if i stayed

[isolatedweeb]

1/22/20-Wednesday

i really wish i had a phone. im stuck on the bus and im FUCKING BORED!!! im the only one on the bus that doesnt have a phone. it would be nice to catch up on some anime right now or text my friends ( believe it or not) or play games or listen to music or.... u get the point. school today wasnt that good. DBT happened and DBT sucks. its always so boring and akward.*shivers* its sometimes is SOOOO BOOORRRIIINNNNGGG that it felt like torture. 😩im just super depressed. i see all my friends with their phones and i just get super jealous. i mean i am the type to get jealous VERY EASILY! i sometimes wush i had mind control plwers (like shinso from my hero academia; if u havent watched i suggest u get started. its one of my fav animes😍😆) but dont we all wish to live in a superhuman society? i know i certainly do. ok , make my parents get me a phone, computer, tablet, NINTENDO SWITCH, etc. Everything my 16 y/o brother (aka Isaiah) has. (FYI im 13 y/o. although, it is almost my bday. february 9, 2006. and yes, im an aquarius!) ok, what was i saying before? oh yea. right!.... i totally forgot 😞 i wonder what it would be like if me and my brother switched places. like id be the oldest and hed be the youngest.😏 that would be nice. will i still get what he has? no one knows the true reason why i take money, credit cards, etc. and everytime i try to explain it they just think its SOME STUPID EXCUSE!!! ITS NOT! and thats what gets mepissed off. 😡😠👿😤 this is why i cant share my real/true feelings or emotions with anyone. not even my therapist ms.smith knows the WHOLE story. i wish "trust" never existed. (just like me. yay!😑) what i really want is to get a phone either before isaiahs bday or for 8th grade graduation. if i got it, this icredit card fraud would all....guess what.... DISAPPEAR!!! *dramatic sound effects* why? because theres no need to steal somethin that u either A) already have or B) dont want to lose. (especially when u just got it. 🙂) now my tablet... thats a whole different story. but i guess i have a little time to spare because i dont get home until like 4:30. i want zankou for dinner. ive been craving it for the past 2 DAYS!! 🤤ok so about that tablet... i mean, i guess its nice having it around but the camera SUCKS!! id prefer something better...wouldnt u? i wouldnt say its useless but if ihad to choose between the tablet and a game consle (nintendo switch) id choose the switch. infact thats the reason why i plug the credit card numbers into my tablet my parents wont even let me switch it for a better one. 😢😭 i can get a lot done on the tablet but....i dunno.....sometimes,i feel that it would be best if i smashed it, burned it, got rid of it because theres no point in having it if it only makes me crave for something better. im the only one in my class (class has 10 students) who doesnt have a phone. even Megan and Faith got one. and im the only phoneless one. 😢😞 i wonder....what if i got adopted by a different parents or had black parents. i am a black girl living with a mixed mom and a white dad. 🤔 i wonder if my life filled with FASD, anger issues, aggressive behavior, and ADHD would have been better (or worse). i wonder if the world wouldve been a better place if i was never born. PS, if ure reading this, i dont need ur FUCKING PITY!! remember, im just a fictional character! what i really need in my life is help. but no one can provide that shit for me. maybe mom and but its not gonna happen. and im absolutely 100% positive about that. *yawn* im gettkng sleepy. lets continue this tomorrow. oh! i forgot to introduce my self. *clears throat* i am Eliana Maya (aka Eli May) and this is "my" plot twisting, crazy, weird, perverted, weeb life. lets continue today tomorrow. im really regreting staying up till 11:11 just to make a stupid wish that probably wont even come true. its time to catch some z's. also, even tho i have an A in english, my spelling and grammar suck. just letting yall know 😉😁 but for reals this time. IM GOING TO SLEEP! good night my readers 😪😴😪😴 -Eli May NOTE: THIS STORY IS PURE FICTION! ENJOY!!