#hhhhhhhhjhhhhhhbsndnksjekdndkn

[gay-kurapika]

A thing about me is that I let people take things way too far in terms of how badly I let them treat me and then when I do finally stand up for myself I sound like the craziest bitch alive for flipping out about something small when in reality there’s been a mountain of things that led to that tipping point. Like I sound crazy to myself when I try to explain what happened with Jayne sometimes, but like I’m the only person who was actually in that exact situation and knows exactly what happened. I’m dead fucking serious when I say I literally don’t feel like the same person I was before I met her, and absolutely not in a good way. I lost all sense of self identity trying to please her, because her moods changed all the time and I was so desperate to please her because I was convinced we were friends. I remember being passionate about things and I still haven’t recovered that about myself, I almost never feel passionate about anything anymore. I think of things she said or did to me every day. I internalized this constant stream of hatred for myself because she was always telling me how much people would be disgusted with me if they really knew me. I had been excited to move into my new house and she ruined every part of it for me. Everything that was mine got thrown away, she got more pets than I ever wanted, physically altered the house in very expensive ways, changed locations of every item all the time so I never knew where anything was, talked down her rent share by hundreds of dollars and eventually stopped paying it at all, ate all the food I would buy to the point that I was losing weight because there wasn’t anything I could eat, like it went on and on. She convinced me that my family didn’t love me, that my girlfriend at the time didn’t love me, that my coworkers all hated me. Literally these were all things she said to me! And so of course, on the night everything blew up, of course I sounded crazy. Of course I did. Because the argument started when I said I didn’t want to watch a reality tv show with her or go on a walk with her after I had gotten off of work because I was tired, and I said she could leave the garbage she wanted me to take out next to the door and I would take it out tomorrow morning before I left for work. After she had been sitting at home drunk off her ass literally all day, not contributing to rent or bills, not working, while I was trying to recover from my addiction and literally just wanted to watch tv after a 10 hour shift. I know I sounded crazy, I’m well aware that’s why the police report resulted in me getting arrested, but goddamn motherfucking hell it had been hours of her yelling at me, of course I was crying! It had been two years of her abuse, of course I had a low opinion of myself! Of course I did! I challenge any one of those fucking cops that were there that day to live two years with that woman, I’m fucking traumatized from her emotional abuse! She did drive me crazy, the literal night this happened she was telling me someday she’d walk in on me dead because that was the only end she could see for me, she was suicide baiting me that whole night! How was I supposed to be put together and rational! At one point I was on my hands and knees cleaning up broken dishes and food she had thrown around the kitchen because I was scared my cat would accidentally step on the broken glass or that her dog would try to eat the food and get sick. While she stood above me yelling. I was at a point okay? And still all I did was flat palm push her away from me, she punched me in the chest and pushed me into a wall in retaliation, did she face anything for that? Nope!