#the breaking point was me calling Taylor and asking for her to talk about something random and Jayne got fucking mad that she heard me fake

[gay-kurapika]

A thing about me is that I let people take things way too far in terms of how badly I let them treat me and then when I do finally stand up for myself I sound like the craziest bitch alive for flipping out about something small when in reality there’s been a mountain of things that led to that tipping point. Like I sound crazy to myself when I try to explain what happened with Jayne sometimes, but like I’m the only person who was actually in that exact situation and knows exactly what happened. I’m dead fucking serious when I say I literally don’t feel like the same person I was before I met her, and absolutely not in a good way. I lost all sense of self identity trying to please her, because her moods changed all the time and I was so desperate to please her because I was convinced we were friends. I remember being passionate about things and I still haven’t recovered that about myself, I almost never feel passionate about anything anymore. I think of things she said or did to me every day. I internalized this constant stream of hatred for myself because she was always telling me how much people would be disgusted with me if they really knew me. I had been excited to move into my new house and she ruined every part of it for me. Everything that was mine got thrown away, she got more pets than I ever wanted, physically altered the house in very expensive ways, changed locations of every item all the time so I never knew where anything was, talked down her rent share by hundreds of dollars and eventually stopped paying it at all, ate all the food I would buy to the point that I was losing weight because there wasn’t anything I could eat, like it went on and on. She convinced me that my family didn’t love me, that my girlfriend at the time didn’t love me, that my coworkers all hated me. Literally these were all things she said to me! And so of course, on the night everything blew up, of course I sounded crazy. Of course I did. Because the argument started when I said I didn’t want to watch a reality tv show with her or go on a walk with her after I had gotten off of work because I was tired, and I said she could leave the garbage she wanted me to take out next to the door and I would take it out tomorrow morning before I left for work. After she had been sitting at home drunk off her ass literally all day, not contributing to rent or bills, not working, while I was trying to recover from my addiction and literally just wanted to watch tv after a 10 hour shift. I know I sounded crazy, I’m well aware that’s why the police report resulted in me getting arrested, but goddamn motherfucking hell it had been hours of her yelling at me, of course I was crying! It had been two years of her abuse, of course I had a low opinion of myself! Of course I did! I challenge any one of those fucking cops that were there that day to live two years with that woman, I’m fucking traumatized from her emotional abuse! She did drive me crazy, the literal night this happened she was telling me someday she’d walk in on me dead because that was the only end she could see for me, she was suicide baiting me that whole night! How was I supposed to be put together and rational! At one point I was on my hands and knees cleaning up broken dishes and food she had thrown around the kitchen because I was scared my cat would accidentally step on the broken glass or that her dog would try to eat the food and get sick. While she stood above me yelling. I was at a point okay? And still all I did was flat palm push her away from me, she punched me in the chest and pushed me into a wall in retaliation, did she face anything for that? Nope!

[lizardwritess]

you belong with me

pairings: bsf!rafe cameron x kook!fem!reader

summary: rafe just cant see he belongs with you. ( about 1.2k words! )

warnings: cussing. sofia being a bit of a bitch. cringy.

trope: bestfriends to lovers. ;)

a/n: i came up with this idea while listening ❝ you belong with me ❞ by taylor swift. please tell me if theres anyone with this similar post already posted so i can give them credit. if you come along any grammar errors, PLEASE TELL ME. english is not my first language so please be kind. enjoy reading! <3

❝ you’re on the phone with your girlfriend shes upset, shes going on about something that u said. ❞

you sat next to rafe, listening in to him and sofias phonecall. "i didn't fucking call you a bitch sofia, are you trying to break up with me.. gaslight me?" he shouts so sofia on the other side of the phone. "of course you didn’t, why would my best friend lie to me? she saw you and y/n in the country club talking about me." she yells back over the speaker. "maybe she would lie because she's in love with rafe.." you mumble under your breathe. "bye sofia, im sick of this." rafe said, and hung up the phone.

❝ im in my room, its a typical tuesday night. im listening to the kind of music she doesn't like. ❞

you and rafe are sitting in your room. listening to something that rafe had put on. "so.. how is it going with you and sofia?" you ask rafe, who is laying on the edge of your bed. "if im goin' to be honest, i might break up with her. she keeps messin with my head." he tells you while switching the music, something what sofia would hate. this got your attention, since you’ve liked rafe for a long time now. scared to confess to your feelings. "really?" you ask. "yeah, might do it this week or next."

❝ cause, she wears short skirts. i wear t-shirts. she's cheer captain and im on the bleachers. ❞

you were sat on your bed in your oversized t-shirt, you stole from rafe. you have been scrolling for ages on instagram. you saw a post of sofias, her in a short cheer uniform. before you could swipe to the next picture you get a call from rafe, you pick up. "yes, rafe?" you say in a tired voice. "come on my boat tomorrow, me topper and kelce. sofia doesnt want to come, shes still mad at me for some reason. oh and make sure to wear that pink bikini." after that, he hung up.

❝ dreaming 'bout the day you will wake up and find. that what you are looking for has been here the whole time. ❞

so there you were, talking with rafe about the break up with sofia. its been 3 weeks since he broke up with her. and she cant seem to leave you alone. "rafe, i don't know what to do. she won’t leave me alone." you say to him with annoyance in your tone. "ill ask topper or kelce to fake date me or something." you tell him with a groan. rafe jaw clenches. "or just fake date, me." he mutters under his breath, loud enough for you to hear. "what was that?" you say a bit flustered. "nothing.." he tells you. but you don't believe it.

❝ walk in the streets with you and your worn out jeans. i can't help thinking this is how it ought to be. laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself "hey, isn't this easyyy?" ❞

you walked beside rafe, shopping for some new jeans. with all that money you think rafe ever buys jeans? well if you do then you are wrong. he fell with his motorcycle a couple days ago, and hes still wearing the jeans. they're all worn out but he wont buy new ones, so you forced him to shop with you. "what about these?" you show him a pair of khaki shorts from ralph lauren. "yeah, i think they well do." he says to u with a small smile. "alright." you say and walk over too check out. a

fter the shopping trip, you find yourself on a park bench sitting besides rafe, eating ice cream. "uhm y/n, you got some ice cream there." he pointed at your face. "here?" you ask while wiping it with ur thumb. "no, just there. wait." he swipes his thumb over your upper lip, where the ice cream is. and licks it off his thumb. you eyes widen, and a blush creeps up on your cheeks.

❝ and you've got a smile that can light up this whole town, i haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down. you say you're fine, I know you better than that hey, what you doing with a girl like that? ❞

since rafe and sofia broke up, he hasnt been the same. hes been a bit colder, and doesnt go out as much. he only does when you force him. and how you missed that smile of his, and how his dimples come out when he does.

you sit in the living room of tanneyhill, rafe close next to you. knees touching. you lay your head on his shoulder. "are you okay?" you ask rafe with a concerned tone. "yeah, im fine." he says with a cold tone. "what did you see in sofia anyway, you deserve better then her.." this got his attention, were you implying that you were better? only if you knew that rafe has liked you for ages, thats the main reason he broke up with sofia. but he would never tell you that. "like, who?" he asks in a teasing tone. you blush a bit, but still force yourself to look at him. "like me rafe, ive liked you for ages, and i cant keep seeing you with other girls. you couldnt see it, but sofia treated you like shit. but i wasnt going to tell you that." you ramble, embarrassed by yourself. "i have to go." you leap off the couch and sprint to the door, into your car. and you drive away, leaving rafe confused.

❝ if you could see that I'm the one who understands you. been here all along, so why can't you see? you belong with me. ❞

you’ve been ignoring rafe ever since your confession, scared of what he would say when he would see you. it's all working out until one day at the beach, you were sitting on your towel. with your best friend bianca next to you. looking at your group of friends in the water. everything is going perfectly, you havent seen rafe here yet. until you feel a tap on your shoulder, you turn around to see nobody else then the person you didnt want to see. rafe.

you stand up, looking at your feet, a bit embarrassed. he grabs ur chin, forcing you to look at him. when you do, you see him looking down at you with his perfect blue eyes. you look down at his lips for a second, and before you can look up you feel his lips on yours. he pulls away. "have you ever thought just maybe? you belong with me." you tell him. "im not sure what to say, but id like for you to be my girlfriend." he says. "uhm, if you'd want to." he says with laugh. "i'd like that." you say with a lopsided smile.

[pwr3tties]

“Hey babe, who’s this?” You asked softly, pressing the phone into Reo’s hands. “Who? Oh, that’s Cammie- or Cameron, Cameron Taylor. She’s my best friend from high school.” He replied calmly, returning to his phone as you hummed. You didn't completely like his response but decided not to push it. He could have friends that were females, no big deal. Right? Right. But you couldn’t shake the thought of this ‘childhood friend’ you’d never heard of before.

Clicking on her icon, you scrolled through her profile, randomly tapping on photos you thought were pretty— or showed signs of your boyfriend cheating, but there was nothing except for the overly nice post and the flirtatious captions she typed tagging @reomikage. You weren’t jealous, no. You were precisely watching out for your boyfriend.

—

Months went by, and your second-year anniversary poked around the corner. Everything was fine until a rumour spread that ‘Supermodel Cameron Taylor and Soccer Sensation Reo Mikage Were Secretly Dating’ after being seen exiting a fancy hotel together, laughing about something while holding hands.

You better than anyone knew the internet loved to twist things around and make it look one way even though it was another, but the sight of your boyfriend being all ‘lovey dovey’ with another woman churned your stomach. But you didn’t bring this up. You knew what you had signed up for by involving yourself with a professional soccer player and successor.

—

Today Reo had a big game against PXG, and you surprised him with your presence after declining, saying you had an important conference that day. Luckily your boss also was a fan of your boyfriend’s team and let everyone out early to watch the game.

Settling in your seat in the front row behind Manshine’s bench, you notice a flawless brunette waving toward none other than your boyfriend, who was waving right back at her. You almost vomited at their interaction but retained yourself. After all, she was his best friend.

The game ended in a win for Manshine City, and you rushed to their locker rooms to congratulate Reo, but someone had already beat you to it. “[Y/N]? Is that you? I thought you said you couldn’t come?” Stepping closer to you, Reo reached out his hand to hold you, the same hand he crested his ‘best friend’ with.

“Suprise..!”

“Reo, is this your girlfriend? She doesn’t look like I’d imagined.. but still! She’s.. cute?” It would be an understatement even to say that she insulted you all while your boyfriend stood there watching with no intention of defending you.

Uncomfortable enough, you excused yourself, telling Reo you’d meet him at home, allowing the two to talk.

—

“Reo—“

“—Can’t right now. I’m going out with Cameron!” Without letting you finish, he slammed the door shut, rushing to his car.

“.. I love you.”

—

“Reo, it’s 3 AM right now. Where are you coming from?”

“Sorry, Cameron’s party lasted longer than anticipated.” He replied, slipping off his shoes. “I told you not to wait up for me.”

“That’s beside the point. You didn’t call or text to tell me where you were or that you weren’t hurt or missing—“

“[Y/N]! I’m tired. Can we go to bed, please?”

“.. I think I’ll sleep down here tonight.” You replied, returning to the couch, attempting to make it more suitable to sleep on.

“If that’s what you want. Go ahead.”

—

“Reo, we need to talk.” You demanded as he picked up his jacket off the rack. “Can it happen after? I’m hanging out with some old friends.” He pled, twisting the knob, ready to leave.

“Reo, I’m breaking up with you.”

Silence..

“You’re what? No, no, no, why?” He finally turned to look at you after what felt like months.

“I can’t do this anymore. You love Cameron. Everyone sees and knows it. I can’t be stuck as the second option forever.” You said, staring him right into his eyes, the same ones that used to look at you so lovingly.

“Second option? Cameron? Baby, no, Cameron’s only a friend!”

“Please stop lying to yourself. Mikage, I think it’s better if we stopped seeing each other for good.” That was the last thing you said before leaving the house while Reo ran upstairs searching for your things.

Nothing. Everything was gone. How did he not notice? How could he be so foolish and let someone so loving and kind like you go..?

How did he lose the one person who wasn’t with him for fame or riches? How did he manage to lose the person ‘he wanted to spend the rest of his life with’?

How did he manage to let go of you?

His ‘so-call’ best friend, that’s how. Taking a step back, he recalled all the moments that he failed to show up for you and instead went to spoil his ‘best friend.’ All the moments that he would rather spend millions to get attention from the supermodel than to freely receive affection from the woman he had at home.

The times he neglected you, thinking you were wrapped around his finger like everyone else, forgetting you were a real human being with emotions, needs and a heart.

If he could, he’d turn back time and fix all the moments he messed up. But he can’t, so now he has to settle for stalking your Instagram as he watches you and your fiancé slowly dance in your kitchen in your share house. As your new love stares at you as he should have. As your fiancé loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

Now he is, at your wedding, staring at you as you walk down the aisle with your cousin throwing flowers before you as you stop at the altar and wrapping your hands around your husband’s neck while tippy-toeing to kiss him.

Except, it’s not Reo. It’s his best friend, Nagi Seishiro.

[spence-whore]

I don’t want you like a best friend

Spencer Agnew x Reader

A/N not me doing another imagine based on a Taylor song whhhaaaatttt I love Taylor so so so much. I was listening to music in the shower and dress started playing I was like holy shit, I have to write a tension filled imagine with Spencer and this song??? Also, forewarning, I will be using gender neutral terms as usual but I will be using more feminine things and mentioning things like wearing dresses. one last thing, i just started my summer classes. so, i wont get to edit these as much as before. i apologize for any mistakes!

TRIGGER WARNING// some angst and tension:)

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Our secret moments in a crowded room, they got no idea about me and you.

Parties and little get togethers are a common thing with the Smosh cast.

They always find some reason to rent out an air bnb to throw parties.

Chanse suggested throwing a little party before you all got to leave the office for a two week break.

“Y/N! I’m so glad you could make it!” You hear Chanse screech whenever you walked into the front door with your suitcase. He come running up to you, to give you a quick hug.

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss something like this. The parties you throw are always absolutely iconic.” You respond giving him a tight squeeze back.

“So, who all has made it?” You asked and looked around. A lot of the cast and crew had arrived, including Spencer. The house was absolutely packed but there was something about him having his eyes on you, that made you feel like you were on fire. The last time a party was thrown for the crew, the two of you had ended up in a bathroom, doing things you shouldn’t be doing to then turn around and call yourself only friends. The two of you played it off really well after though because no one knew who you had snuck off with.

There is an indentation in the shape of you. Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo.

“I still want to know who you snuck off with last time we had a party.” You hear Erin say whenever she approaches you and Chanse. “Yeah!” Chanse agrees.

Whenever she mentions that night, you see it catches Spencer’s ears. He perks up in his seat and gets that infamous smirk on his face.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can you show me to my room?” You mumbled and shook your head.

“I’ll show you but dude, that is such a lie.” Erin says and starts walking towards a hallway, where a bunch of bedrooms were located. “You had hickeys all over you. It was so obvious you tried hiding them too but you are not good at covering marks.” She said laughing loudly.

You just shook your head again and denied it.

“We’ll eventually pull it from you. Everyone’s going to be getting ready in a few minutes, if you want to go ahead and get dressed.” Erin suggests while opening your bedroom door. “You’re sharing with me and Angela, by the way.”

You nodded your head and let her know, you would go ahead and start getting ready.

Erin quickly nodded her head and pulled the door behind her, so you could get ready in private till her and Angela joined you.

You quickly pulled this dress on that Courtney had pointed out to you one day while at the mall with a bunch of the crew. They were recording a spend the day with us at the mall where they done random little challenges. You, Spencer, and Courtney had went into a store, trying to find goofy looking outfits for everyone to wear. The three of you walked around for a while before you just started looking at the clothes for things for you. You hear Courtney shout, “I genuinely just found something for you, Y/N! You would look so hot in this.” You turn around and see Courtney holding up a mid length black dress. There was a high slit in the thigh. It was a spaghetti strapped dress. It was simple but looked comfortable. You actually thought it was really cute. Courtney asked Spencer what he thought and his face flushed red very quickly and all he could do was nod his head yes.

You tried the dress on for fun and Spencer looked like his eyes were about to bulge out of his eyes. You didn’t end up buying the dress that day but you went back and bought it the next day. He wasn’t aware that you had gotten it, no one was.

You stood there for a minute, looking at yourself in the mirror, when you heard a knock come from the door beside you.

“You can come in!” You shout softly, flattening the dress against your body.

The door pushes open gently and you see Courtney and Angela standing there. Spencer was back behind them.

“Holy shit, is that the dress we seen in the mall?” Courtney asks, getting excited.

You just smiled and shook your head yes.

All of the silence and patience, pining and anticipation. My hands are shaking from holding back from you.

All of the silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting.

My hands are shaking from all this…

Say my name and everything just stops, I don’t want you like a best friend.

Spencer looked like he was about to pass out behind the two.

“Wow, you look… wow.” You hear Spencer whisper from the doorway while Courtney and Angela walk to sit on the bed behind you.

You acted like you didn’t hear Spencer, so you turned towards him. His eyes were just filled with desperation. It was like a mutual feeling between the two, you knew he wanted to reach out and to touch you. You knew that he wanted to kiss you, to hold you. You were dying for him to reach forward and to just put his hands on you, to kiss you as well.

“What’d you say, Spence?” You ask, trying to play off the little moment the two of you had.

Courtney and Angela were behind the two of you, looking at each other with complete confusion over what is going on.

“You look really beautiful, Y/N.” He says and clears his throat then gives you a tight lipped smile.

You just smiled back at him and shook your head. “Thank you, I really don’t though.” You say giggling. “I haven’t even done anything yet, besides put a dress on.”

Spencer walked around you to go sit in a chair beside the two beds but then realized that the tag of your dress was sticking out. He quickly walks up behind you and pushes your hair over your shoulder. You tensed up and froze because you didn’t know what was going on.

“Oh, uh, sorry. Your-“ Spencer got quiet then pushed the tag softly under the neckline of the dress. “The tag was sticking out of the dress.” Spencer whispered and gave your shoulder a soft squeeze.

The two of you move apart quickly whenever you hear coughs. Courtney and Angela quickly stood up. “We’re gonna go grab a drink.” Angela says very quickly, pointing at the door with her thumb. “Uh, will be back in a few minutes!” Courtney practically shouts as Angela pulls her out of the room.

The two might as well have ran out of the room and slammed the door shut behind them.

You and Spencer look at each other with confusion, acting like you didn’t understand what was going on.

“When did you end up getting this dress?” Spencer asked sitting down on the chair near you.

Only bought this dress, so you could take it off.

Carve your name into my bedpost cause I don’t want you like a best friend.

Only bought this dress, so you could take it off.

You had pulled another chair up in front of the full body mirror, to start curling your hair and to do your makeup.

“I just decided to go back the next day and buy it.” You respond, slightly shrugging your shoulders.

“Is there a reason you went back and bought it?” Spencer asked, trying to seem chill about the piece of fabric on your body, but he wasn’t playing it so calmly.

“I dunno.” You whispered while placing soft curls throughout your hair with a curling iron. “A certain someone’s reaction to me in it, just made me curious to how they would react to it if I wore it to something where we’ve made certain decisions in the past.”

Spencer didn’t say anything, he just stared at you with a shocked expression.

You started to do the pigtail trick with your hair, that makes it quicker to curl your hair. You parted your hair and put it into two pigtails then quickly curled the two pigtails. It only took two minutes to do then you pulled the two hair ties out of your hair. The soft curls had flooded down your back while you looked for your makeup bag. It hit you that it was still in your bag, on your bed, beside Spencer. You quickly sprayed hairspray throughout your hair and nodded back towards Spencer.

“Spencer?” He just nodded while staring at you. “Could you get in that bag and hand me my makeup bag?”

Spencer quickly stood up and grabbed your bag from the front of the bed. He unzipped it then retrieved your makeup bag, to hand it to you. He walked over and handed the makeup bag to you but the two of you practically grasped hands while he just stared holes into you. You felt like electricity was just shooting throughout your body while he quickly stepped back.

The two of you didn’t realize it but Courtney, Angela, and Erin were just staring at you two in shock from the doorway.

Spencer looked over at the door quickly then stepped back towards his seat to grab his drink that he carried in.

“I should probably go finish getting ready and help getting everything, uh, set up.” He whispers before quickly heading out of the room.

“Do you want to explain what that was?” Erin harshly whispered, looking at you with nothing but excitement in her eyes.

“What was what?” You asked nonchalantly, acting like you didn’t know what was going on.

“Oh my god!” Angela practically screams. “You hooked up with Spencer last time, didn’t you?” She whispered excitedly, jumping up and down in her spot.

You, once again, tried playing the question off but the redness all over your face completely called you out.

“Oh my god! Spencer is the secret guy you hook up with every time! Are you two like a couple or something?” Courtney asks while quickly pulling one of the chairs over beside you while you finished up your makeup.

You shook your head no, “I’m not going to lie to you about that. I honestly wish we were.” You whispered while finishing your eyeliner with a soft laugh.

The three women were practically exploding with the information they had just found out tonight.

“What happened the last time?” Angela asked, pulling a chair alongside Erin.

Inescapable, I’m not even gonna try and if I get burned, at least we were electrified.

I’m spilling wine in the bathtub, you kiss my face and we’re both drunk.

Everyone thinks that they know us but they know nothing about all of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation.

You kept working at your makeup and decided to just explain to the three women what had caused you two to end up in the guest bathroom, away from the New Year’s party.

“I have had the biggest crush on Spencer ever since I’ve joined the crew. I had convinced myself I would never tell him how I feel. The night of that party though, oh my god. It was like there was something in the air.” You paused for a minute to just laugh, remembering how you felt that night. “Every single time we would brush hands or something, it felt like electricity would fly throughout my body. I thought at first, I can’t do this. I ended up getting a little too drunk and so did Spencer. We were sat together in this hallway, just drinking and talking. I finally just told him how I felt. I panicked and jumped up, to run off but he grabbed my hand. He started to tell me how he felt then I, of course, happened to spill a little bit of my drink. He pulled me into the bathroom, to help me clean up. While we were in there, he was just wiping away at the alcohol with a wet rag. It literally felt like my body was on fire. I don’t know what made me do it but I just leaned forward and kissed him.”

The three women around you looked like they were about to explode with the biggest smiles on their face.

“Wait, so you two had sex in the bathroom?” Erin bluntly asked then got whacked on the arm by Courtney.

You just laughed and shook your head no. “Again, I won’t lie to you, we almost did. My dumbass stumbled and knocked over the rest of my drink into the shower. The glass shattered, so Spencer panicked and made me sit on the sink while he cleaned it up. We decided maybe the bathroom, during a party, wouldn’t be the best first time for something like that.”

“How did we not see something happening between you two?” Angela asked with genuine confusion on her face.

“Oh, there isn’t anything going on between the two of us. We’re only really friends, to be honest. I hate that we’re only friends but we never really approach the topic unless it’s in situations like us being plastered.” You admit, shaking your head in shame. “I think it’s because we’re both too scared to admit that we’re something more than friends.”

Erin laughed loudly, “Yeah, I’m sorry but the two of you are not just friends. You were, like, sucking each other’s faces off in the bathroom and being like little leeches.”

You just laughed and stood to face the three around you. “I’m done getting ready, so I’m gonna just head on out there.”

“You just wanna go see your little boyfrienddddddd.” Angela says in a singing tone.

You just laughed once again and shook your head at the woman before exiting the room.

You look around the entire room to see who all is here tonight. Not everyone is staying in the Air BNB, only a few of the crew are.

You spot Kiana, Spencer, and Shayne standing at a table in the kitchen, getting drinks.

You approached them and give Shayne a soft smile. “Hey guys!” You say with a smile on your face.

“Hi, you sweet angel! You look beautiful!” Kiana says with a big smile on her face.

“Oh, why thank you.” You take her compliment while grabbing a red solo cup from the counter and poured some kind of whiskey from the counter.

“There’s glass cups you can use, you know?” You hear Shayne say from beside you.

You look over and see Spence looking you up and down while Shayne is nodding towards the glass cups.

“Oh, that’s okay. I would probably end up accidentally breaking it again.” You say chuckling and sent Spencer a quick glance. He catches onto what you were talking about and heat flooded his face once again.

Spencer goes to take a sip of his drink, trying to act chill, whenever Kiana calls him out. “Spence, if you stare any harder, your eyes might get stuck.”

Spencer choked on his drink and shook his head. You were shockingly the only one to pick up on it but his hands started to tremor.

My hands are shaking from holding back from you.

All of the silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting, my hands are shaking from all of this.

Say my name and everything just stops, I don’t want you like a best friend.

Spencer quickly tries to shake the feeling he has and change the conversation but he can’t stop the feeling of heat flowing through his body due to you. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. He was literally shaking from how nervous just your presence alone was making him. He couldn’t get over how beautiful you looked.

“Hey guys, I’m gonna step outside and get some fresh air. It’s getting kind of stuffy in here.” You say quickly to the group, feeling like you were starting to suffocate in the room. You didn’t want to admit it but the look Spencer was giving you was extremely intense. You couldn’t deal with it anymore because you were dying for him to just do something.

You walked away from the group and start to head out the door to walk outside. You didn’t know it but Spencer trailed behind you, wanting to get a moment alone with you.

You stepped outside, slightly agitated. You were getting so tired of having to hide everything. You were so tired of acting like you were just friends with the man whenever you both knew friends don’t sneak off to make out at parties with their other best friends present. You wanted him to hold you. You wanted him to kiss you, to touch you, to just show you that he wants you.

Only bought this dress, so you could take it off, take it off.

Carve your name into my bedpost, I don’t want you like a best friend.

Only bought this dress, so you could take it off.

“You okay?” You hear Spencer ask from behind you as you sat down on the porch steps.

You just laughed. “You know, I bought this dress with the idea that the next time you saw me in it… You might actually make a move further and act like we aren’t just friends. I mean this in the nicest way possible. I don’t want you like a best friend, Spencer. I want to be able to kiss you everyday and call you mine.” You answered him in an aggravated tone.

“I don’t want you like a best friend either, Y/N. Are you that oblivious? The day I fell in love with you, I thought that you knew.” Spencer laughed and said while sitting down beside you.

You just stared at him with confusion on your face, “What do you mean the day you fell in love with me?”

Spencer sat in silence for a minute, just taking the cold air in. “I have been in love with you for so long. The first time I remember realizing that I had fallen so hard for you was whenever I had first bleached and buzzed my hair.”

Flashback when you met me, your buzz cut and my hair bleached.

Even in my worst times, you could see the best in me.

Flashbacks to my mistakes, my rebounds, my earthquakes.

Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me.

You chuckled remembering the first time you had seen him with his new haircut. “I remember you came around the corner and I became like a stuttering mess.”

You started to shiver and Spencer noticed it. “Would you want to head inside? We could chill upstairs in the movie room? We can finish talking about this whenever we get in there.”

You shook your head yes, freezing in the dress.

The two of you headed inside and walked up the steps to the movie room. Everyone was in the big living room, drinking and dancing.

You two headed into the movie room and sat down in the plush love seat.

“Wait, so are you saying my reaction is what made you fall in love with me?” You asked once you got inside and processed what Spencer had said. You folded your knees under you and pulled a blanket over your lap.

Spencer smiled and nodded his head at you.

“That was during the worst time of my life, though. I was severely depressed and going on dates left and right because I just wanted someone to love me.” You said silently laughing over how desperate you sounded.

“You’ve always had someone who has loved you in front of you. You’ve just never realized it.” Spencer says and reaches his hand out to rest it on your knee.

The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes before Spencer broke the silence. “I want to make a move or whatever it was you said outside. I want to call you mine. I just don’t want to do that while we’re tipsy. I want to talk about it while we’re sober.” Spencer says giving you a soft smile on his face.

You nodded your head at Spencer, “I agree. It is probably best that we do talk about it while we’re sober.”

The two of you sat and talked for almost three hours straight, while people would pass by and make comments here and there. No one ever stuck there though, they were just letting the two of you soak up each other’s presence.

Before you knew it, you had passed out and Spencer had fallen asleep as well.

I woke up just in time

Now, I wake up by your side, my one and only my lifeline.

I woke up just in time, now I wake up by your side.

My hands shake, I can’t explain this.

You woke up and felt a pressure around your waist. You hear whispering and open your eyes to see Chanse and Erin peeking their heads around a corner.

“Holy shit, look at them.” You hear Chanse say while giggling.

“I’m awake asshole.” You whispered towards the two freaking out and they took off running.

You turn your head to the side and realized, you and Spencer had fallen asleep rambling over random stuff to each other. You know you had admitted your feelings to each other last night but you couldn’t help trembling due to excitement. You finally had the guy by your side that you had fallen so hard for.

The two of you were laid out across the couch. Spencer was laid on his side and had you in a tight hold around your waist. You were laid on your back. You reached your hand up and ran it softly through his hair.

Spencer scrunched his nose and pressed his face softly into your neck. His facial hair, tickling the side of your neck. You giggle trying to move your head away whenever you hear him slightly whisper, “Still don’t want me like a best friend?”

[kimsmuse]

yandere childhood friend ♡ !!

gender neutral!reader. 1.7k words. warnings for irrational obsession for the reader. i'm not sure what it is but the guy is very, very delusional. i'm not sure what to think of this piece, but this one goes out for 🤏🍷anon, i loved the yandere drummer you drew so much so i hope you like this :) !!

“here,” you bring the flower to his face but he’s still annoyed. lately, he’s annoyed by almost everything, was teenage so bad? you wouldn’t know yet. your best friend is almost 2 years older than you and only holds the position because you've been practically be forced to get along with each other, courtesy of your family being great friends.

he scrunches up his face. “i'm allergic, you should know that.” he responds, not even looking up from his homework. “make me a paper bouquet, then we’ll see.”

the first time you realized that you liked your bestfriend was the first time that he realized that romance was not his cup of tea and with you? no way in hell. he hated the idea of cheesy romcoms and pop songs, it disgusted him and he made a point of making it obvious.

but you were young, just about 12 or something, and he was the only one close enough to fantasise about, so you did - doodled hearts around his initials and yours, “2gether 4ever ♡” and made it so obvious to the adults around you that they often teased you about it, much to your friend’s dismay.

and the crush was so strong that the moment you went home, you were on youtube, looking for ways to make a paper flower, and then piecing it all together.

“bed time, now,” your mother calls out and you proudly show off your paper bouquet to her, “is that for him?” she asks, amused at your efforts to be seen by your crush. you nod.

“aw, baby, as much as i love his mother as my bestfriend, that kid doesn’t deserve you,” she kisses your forehead.

yes, there were times when it felt like your heart was breaking into pieces or however those songs called it, when you saw him around school hanging out with other girls and not even acknowledging your presence. but when you went home and he excitedly told you about the new game he was playing, you fell all over again. besides, this is what happened in the music videos, right? there will be a day when he sees you like that too, when he’ll be long over this phase of shouting “ew, ew, ew,” when his parents kiss and be a more mature guy.

you did think that. but it was always in such a future tense that it never seemed realistic enough, it seemed far, far away. and when you actually reached that time period, your family had to move away, dad got a job somewhere else.

so you left that paper bouquet, (which quite frankly you didn’t have the courage to give it to him in fear that he might mock you that he told you to make it for him and you did? what a fool…) and a letter detailing your feelings for him.

but obviously it didn’t hold much depth, as you can imagine, a preteen detailing their infatuation.

but long after you were gone, your friend started to do something which he never thought he would do, ever. he was missing you.

he missed you when he came home from school and there was no one to talk to, or no one to taunt about how much he hated a particular thing and not have you judge him. it was just so awesome on how you had never judged him for anything, because he was sure if he kept on repeating on how much he hated taylor swift to some other girl in his grade, she'd probably have flipped him off, even if she, herself hated her. that was the level of repetitive he could get.

but he missed you, making those random cakes with your mother and you ran down to him to make him taste it first and he acted disgusted. “this is the worst, did you put in salt instead of sugar?” and you still had a smile on your face when you answered. “no, i just tasted it.”

he fiddled with the paper bouquet you left him for a long while after that, thinking about that afternoon and many others like that again and again. he could just… call you but his ego wouldn’t let him. and he was so disappointed over the fact that you were talking to his mother almost every other day, but you never asked for him?

it was hurtful.

but he couldn’t just ignore it. even when it was the only thing he wanted to do, ignore you, keep you out of his mind. but even when in high school he began going on dates and dances, he kept coming back to the paper flowers you left him.

he didn’t have any allergies. he was just messing with you. he never knew you'd actually do it. just like he never thought you'd actually leave, or that he'd ever miss you like this.

when he was out of the local college, he was sure that he was going to come to you, he knew the city where you lived through his parents' daily conversation at the dinner table. you were still in college, about an year or two remaining and he looked for jobs in your area.

when he found one, he was absolutely relieved. he told his parents it was one of the best opportunities in his career and it was, just not in his career, but it helped that the city you were in was quite famous and the job wasn’t bad either.

so when he finally takes your number from his mother and calls you.

he’s so delighted to hear your voice, even though it has changed a lot. and you’re happy too! you sound really happy when you say that you're excited to meet him.

and oh, you’re right, he never considered your angle on it, you must have missed him so much! oh, poor thing, the move must have been so harsh to you. maybe the reason you didn’t ask his mom to give him the call was because it'd simply hurt too much to talk to him without being near him. right? this had to be the only explanation.

so when he moves in and settles into his apwrtment, he calls you in the morning, and you give him a recommendation for a cafè nearby, “it’s a good one, i think you'll like it,”

see! you know him so well!

he arrives there a few minutes late, but you’re already there. oh, you still love him so well.

but midway through drinking overexpensive coffees and reminiscing the old times, he chokes on his drink.

he honestly thinks you’re kidding.

“what?” he wants you to repeat it again.

“i said, i’m not in love with you, my friend, i’ve moved on,”

the friend stings more than applying sanitizer on a cut, he swears. but it was just unbelievable, you were just running after him (not quite literally, pardon him, he’s a little delusional) begging for him (again, he’s delusional) to make him go on a date with you, with the last part being true. you did want him to go on a date with you, but you respected his decisions.

yes, you did have the worst and incredibly humiliating crush on your childhood friend, but it was just all that was in your opinion, a crush that started when you were 12 because he was the only one you hung out with and spent all your time with and so you were convinced, from ages 12 to 16 almost that this was the guy you’d marry and start a family with, you’d already picked out the names for them. but the problem was? he didn’t like you back.

your childhood friend had better things to do, like all teenage guys do, ofcourse, but he was always stuck with the feeling that he didn’t want you, he physically cringed when at joint dinner sometimes both of your parents would joke about you both dating, it was just something that was unimaginable for him at that point. only at that point though.

he was too busy going out on dates with random people, unbeknownst to how much he was hurting you (because in his defense, he was just a kid and he wasn’t quite sure how deep your feelings ran).

but now? why not now?

he had finally realized that it was you he liked, genuinely. And now you say this? It was absolutely heartless, did you not even stop to consider his feelings, even for once? Did the fact that you loved him before mean nothing to you?

“why don’t you love me anymore? or are you lying? to avenge your hopeless pining and me turning you away, is that it? please, talk to me. please.”

“it was a childhood crush, they eventually go away,” you don’t know what more he wants to say to you.

“but i… but you,”

“there are no but's here, if you came here looking for me because you’re realizing your feelings almost 8-9 years later then it's absurd because did you really think i would wait for you that long? i have a life now, i have a boyfriend and.. just grow up, you have a job here you should focus on that.”

you mentally made a note to stay the fuck away from this guy, because he was spewing some crazy, crazy shit. never in your wildest dreams did you ever think he would come back and be insistent on his feelings, it was all like a fever dream.

“am i that bad..?” he whispers softly, you look up at him, he has both of his hands on the table and his head hanging down. great, he's crying now. “i'm sorry i was so rude to you before.”

“look, it's fine, okay? we were both kids and i don't even hold it against you, i didn’t back then and i still don't. so go live your life and move on,”

you didn’t think you could bear to stay sitting there for a minute more, so you got up and went to the counter to pay and without a second glance, you left the cafè.

all the while, your childhood friend is still sitting there, not looking up.

“i.. i can’t do that,” and he looks up and wipes his tears, he didn’t come all the way here just to get disheartened so easily, did he?

[exhuastedpigeon]

The only love interest of Buck's since Abby that has been developed enough to have me actually invested in was Taylor, specifically the Taylor of s4.

Now I think I'm in the minority on this, but I've always thought Taylor was an extremely compelling character - even if s5 ruined her and Buck's relationships for me. If they'd kept her on her growth path they set her on in s4 that relationship could have become something.

None of Buck's other love interests were as established as Taylor was. If they have a connection to the other characters, that connection isn't highlighted. His other love interest haven't bought in to Buck's shenanigans the way Taylor did in season 4. His other love interest don't have the depth or development that Taylor did.

Taylor who called Buck asking for a miracle in Breaking Point because there were vaccines that were going to go to waste if they weren't used. She called him after Buck essentially tricked her into a double date with Veronica and Albert. Whose feelings Buck hurt and she still called him back because she knows that isn't who Buck is - she knows he's good and would be there to help when she called.

Taylor who teamed up with Buck to try to find out who ran Sue over in the parking lot. Who was willing to go dumpster diving to get to the truth. Who showed up at Buck's loft after the guy was caught, not to celebrate her career getting a boost, but to celebrate justice.

Taylor who Buck teamed up with during Treasure Hunt. Who was as into the treasure hunt as Buck was. Who didn't mind that Buck invited Eddie along because she knows they're in each other's pockets. Who Buck goofed around with.

Taylor who showed up at the hospital, not as a reporter but as a friend, when she heard a firefighter had been shot. Who helped Buck calm down enough to go talk to Christopher. Who yelled at Buck for being reckless when he climbed up the crane. Who came to Eddie's welcome home party.

In my opinion, Season 4 Taylor is Buck's most interesting love interest. They made her likeable while keeping her complexities and flaws. They made her Buck's friend first and foremost. They made that friendship something that could be the foundation for a relationship.

Season 5 undid most of Taylor's growth and showed the audience that maybe they weren't so compatible after all (Buck kissing Lucy, Taylor not telling Buck about her past until she had no other choice, Buck asking her to move in out of guilt, Taylor reporting on Jonah even after she said she wouldn't), but season 4 Taylor? That was a love interest for Buck that had potential because we saw her growth from s2 to s4 and we saw her and Buck's chemistry transition from just sexual to friendship to more.

If the show wants us to get invested in a love interest for Buck, they need to take the time to show us why that character is someone we should want for Buck. They can't just tell the audience things and expect us to accept it at face value, that isn't interesting. We need to see that character and Buck function as a couple on screen for more than a few minutes. They need to flesh out a love interest so they aren't just a love interest.

[calliesmemes]

IN-CHARACTER QUOTES FROM DISCORD

UNHINGED SENTENCE STARTERS FEATURING THINGS SAID BY MYSELF AND MY FRIENDS WHILE WRITING AS OUR MUSES IN A CRACK-BASED NONCANON GROUP CHAT. This post is dedicated to Em, Liz, Tanny, Nellie, Mel, Ange, and everyone else in the server who recognizes these quotes — you know who you are 😈

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

“   Have you forgotten that you should not steal someone’s property? ”

“   I could slap that smug look off his face right now! ”

“   Your ears are a lie. ”

“   Woah woah that's - that's a bad word. ”

“   I don’t know if it’s allowed and quite frankly I don’t care. Fuck the rules. ”

“   Time for gremlin activities! ”

“   I hate this man. Let's prank him. ”

“   We are all going on strike today I swear ”

“   Looks like I need to invest in a kid leash. ”

“   DONT BE COWARDS!! JOIN THE STRIKE!! ”

“   I support her saying what needs to be said! I am done with the silencing of women!!!! ”

“   I like the dramatics. ”

“   I did not ask for a second opinion. ”

“   You seem to be doing a great job at being a nuisance. ”

“   NO BITING MY EMPLOYEES! ”

“   do you want me to bring you cheese? ”

“   Next move, start chewing on the door frames ”

“   I like crumbs. They are like a little midnight snack in my bed at night. ”

“   if he wants to be a worm, LET HIM BE A WORM ”

“   the rest of you suck my toe ”

“   To be fair I am simply vibing. ”

“   I am going to commit a war crime! ”

“   I am manifesting being happy. ”

“   Am I gonna talk shit WITH you guys? because im down to talk shit about pretty much anyone ”

“   Who says? We shall revolt without question. ”

“   Let's just start burning stuff. ”

“   Did you just call me... small? ”

“   Can I convert you with my kazoo propaganda? ”

“   We were radicalised by The Little Mermaid. ”

“   Penny in the swear jar, now. ”

“   My last words are, bros before hoes. ”

“   The old men are trying to be trendy. ”

“   I can do whatever I want too! ”

“   Can we go one day without an interruption from an American? ”

“   I am so sorry. He enjoys conflict. ”

“   Why is he so tall? ”

“   For legal reasons, kids, that's a joke. ”

“   Would you like to fight the adults? ”

“   You're not meant to bite people, it's frowned upon. ”

“   He’s a fun killer, don't listen to him! ”

“   Ow! Stop kicking me! ”

“   I have quite literally begged you not to kick, hit, or bite today. ”

“   BUT I thought we were buds, pals, amigos, chums, friends. ”

“   Oh shiiiii someone’s in trouble ”

“   How much caffeine have you had in the last hour? ”

“   I'll be honest they wouldn't be so bad if they didn't speak. ”

“   Is this goof meant to be dead or what? ”

“   I am a witch. ”

“   This one reeks of self confidence when he clearly doesn't think before opening his mouth. ”

“  I call bullshit on that rule! ”

“   The point is I have a cane and I’m not afraid to use it. ”

“   If you slap me, I’ll cane you. ”

“   Yippee for women. ”

“   FUCK THE PATRIARCHY ”

“   Sorry for being British. ”

“   Oi who's playing that ominous music? ”

“   I'm strong because I eat carrots. Oh wait or is that to see in the dark.... it's for something. ”

“   I will say sorry when i'm caught, don't you worry. ”

“   AND YOU CALLED ME UP AGAIN JUST TO BREAK ME LIKE A PROMISE! ”

“   ... He's done for. Broken beyond repair. Someone play Taylor Swift. ”

“   Please refrain from punching one another. ”

“   He is becoming one with the spider I believe. ”

“   If anybody asks I will say I made you, then you will not get in trouble! ”

“   Can I be a girlboss too? I am not rude to women and I do what i like ”

“   Yippee for patriotism! ”

“   … i could make you guys rat costumes ”

“   Do you think if we started stealing bread we would lose our jobs? ”

“   why do British people ”

“   … you all need therapy. ”

“   Do you ever feel if you breathe the wrong way he will bite you? ”

“   I actively avoid whatever this is. ”

“   CARRY ME. ”

“   What if, and hear me out, they both promise not to do it again? ”

“   I wanna steal all his socks. ”

“   My socks were stolen! ”

“   Hey, watch it now. Only I'm allowed to insult me. ”

“   You couldn’t whisper to save your life. It’s pitiful. ”

“   Both of you are insufferable. ”

“   The law is overrated. ”

“   I’m afraid. Miss, you aren’t my type. ”

“   No. I swear on my life. I am being a gentleman ”

“   I support women’s wrongs. ”

“   ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE!!! ”

“   GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW ”

“   He bites? Are you .. joking? Please say you're joking. ”

“   If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain ifyou're not into yoga if you have half a brain if you like makin' love at midnight in the dunes on the cape then I'm the love that you've looked for write to me and escape 🎶🎶 ”

[webslingingslasher]

peter is definitely my favorite boy. but, oh god, ethan is just smth else 😫😫 got me wishing i were taylor for a min

ok wait- why did this just happen?

your blood ran ice cold, you've always heard of it happening, but you've never felt it. you didn't know it could actually happen, but you had icy veins and a dropped jaw.

your entire world broke apart in one second.

peter was kissing taylor.

and it wasn't a 'friendly' kiss, not that you thought one exsisted, but it would be better than watching him squeeze her ass and taylor poke her tongue in peter's mouth.

you always thought that if something like this would happen you would raise hell, screaming, throwing things everywhere. spilling all his dirty secrets and embarrassing him like he did you.

but you were glued to the floor, your gut twisting with each kiss.

'stop it, trouble!' you don't know how you didn't collapse, the name he's only ever used for you was being tossed around like it meant nothing.

how could peter do this to you?

how could peter do this to his best friend?

'enjoying the show, you peeper?' it's wild to think ethan's okay with it, but his relationship, their rules. you were not okay with it in the slightest, and your feelings weren't taken into consideration.

"what? how long has this been happening?"

ethan chuckles, pressing the back of his hand on your forehead. "feeling alright, princess?"

the fuck did he just call you?

you turn to look behind you, "who's a princess?"

ethan wraps an arm around your neck tugging you into him, he kisses your cheek and you look at peter. he's got himself slotted between taylor's legs while she sat on the counter, kissing over her face while they talk softly.

"stop looking at parker." you're too dazed to push ethan away when he kisses your cheek again.

"he's kissing taylor."

"uh huh," you close your eyes when peter kisses down her neck.

"and you're okay with this?"

ethan grabs your chin to look at him, "yeah, he's my best friend. why wouldn't i be happy for him?" you feel like you're going crazy, does no one understand how fucked every thing was?

you shove his hands away, "cause he's kissing her!" ethan's face went hard, "why do you care about who parker's kissing? i'm your boyfriend!"

you pause, and shake your head like a wet dog.

"no, you're not."

"what? yes i am, do you not remember that? i asked you after i made you that blanket."

"the one you crocheted?" ethan hums, you squeeze your eyes and hold your breath when he gives you a delicate kiss. you can't think of anything other than peter.

"no- ethan, you made that for taylor. not me."

"I didn't make anything for taylor, i...' ethan grabs your face and looks you over, "honey, are you feeling okay?"

you explode, how dare he ask you if you were feeling okay. you feel like you're being fucked with, the most intense game of punk'd you've ever seen. where's ashton kutcher when you need him the most?

"no! you're- ugh!" you break away from his hold, stomping into the kitchen where you tug at peter's hand on taylor's thigh.

"get off her! stop it, stop it right now!"

peter gives you glare that sends you shrinking, "keznek, the fuck is up with your girl?"

it's like you're a ghost.

"no! you're my boyfriend, not taylor's!" your finger points to taylor, reaching for her wrist you tug her from the counter, she looks petrified. shoving her at ethan you berate her, "and you! you're ethan's girlfriend, not me!"

you place yourself between your real boyfriend and taylor, spinning to face him, his eyes on taylor.

"stop it! they have an open relationship, not us!"

"we don't have shit, crazy! taylor's the one that introduced you to ethan."

"what?! no, no, no, no! i introduced them! you hated it, remember? you told me not to tell him, and i snuck into his room? please tell me you remember, it's me."

peter's face softened, his hand rested on your shoulder and you melted. you were back where you belonged.

"of course i remember, but that was with taylor. not you."

tears dot your vision, all you wanted was a hug from your boyfriend. you were scared, confused, and extremely hurt.

you give one last try, you have no more fight.

"ethan? you don't... you don't remember that?"

a sad smile, "i remember taylor waking me up, not you."

you're about to curl into a ball and cry, until taylor steps forward. she hugs you as tight as she could, you want to think her touch hurts, but it's comforting.

"i promise this is backwards, you belong with ethan, not me."

taylor hums in your ear, "i know, it's okay."

she doesn't get it, you rub your nose on her shoulder and pull back to look at her.

"taylor, this feels like a dream."

her head tilts, she smiles but it stretches a little too wide, it makes the hair on your neck prickle. "oh! that's cause it is!" your eyebrows furrow, she raises her hands and snaps her fingers.

you heave for air, flying up from the bed. your forehead is warm, everything is warm. you throw the covers off of you, panicked and unsure you look around the room.

it's dark.

and familiar.

the body next to yours eases your heart rate, but not enough. it felt extremely vivid, your brain is racing and you won't be able to try and rest again.

you search for water on peter's nightstand, thankful he supplied you with one last night, you take what feels like a million mouthfuls. it's so cold it freezes your throat, it reminds you you're awake and in peter's room.

taking a deep breath you push at peter's shoulder, over and over and over until his hand rests on yours.

"if you wanna keep the hand, you better stop."

it's not enough.

"peter."

"trouble."

relief filled your body, your name coming from his mouth made you drop on top of him, hugging tightly. peter lets out a groan but moves to make you both more comfortable, laying on his back while you tucked under his open arm, head tied to his chest.

he was in the clutches of sleep when he feels a tear, he pulls you closer.

"you gotta stop waking me up in the middle of the night to cry."

you sniff, "i'm your girlfriend, right?"

"yes."

"and you love me right?"

peter's rapid answering, too tired to care about the subject of your questions.

"i do."

you push further, "only me, right? no one else."

"not a' one."

"and you've never kissed taylor?"

your shoulder is pat, forced to pick yourself up when peter slowly pulls himself to slump against his headboard.

"alright, you got me up. talk."

you know it's silly, but that was a level of pain you never wanted to feel.

"you've never kissed taylor, right? and if you have, like, in a friendly way, i really, really need you to be honest."

peter's face scrunches, highlighted by the moonlight.

"what? no, not at all. why, is someone telling you something?"

you ignore him, "do you want to kiss taylor?"

"no."

"are you sure?" you need to know, with certainty, he wants nothing to do with her. if you know, so would your subconscious, and you'd never, ever have to see an image like that again.

"i'm positive, trouble. why are you asking about her?"

"a hundred percent sure? like, not even a tiny itty bitty part of you wants to kiss her, or date her?"

"no, not even a microscopic part of me wants anything to do with her. i know you're all girl power but she's kind of annoying."

you smack his chest, "no she's not! that's mean, take it back!"

"not in a bad way, just in a 'i'm glad i'm not dating her' way."

you can breathe easier now, all paranoid thoughts squashed.

"okay, that's all. thank you, you can go back to sleep."

peter almost accepts the offer, but since he's a boyfriend now he has to dig further.

"not until you tell me what that interrogation was about."

"i had a super vivid dream, taylor and i had swapped boyfriends. like- i was straight up watching you make out with her in four k ultra hd, and then ethan was kissing up on me."

"ethan kissed you?"

"and i kept trying to make him remember taylor was his girlfriend, but all the things i kept saying they did, he said was with me. i couldn't stand it anymore after you called her trouble."

peter pouts, "my baby."

"no, no. i pulled you off and i said that you were my boyfriend and you called me crazy, then taylor hugged me and i said it felt like a dream and she said it was. then she snapped her fingers and i woke up."

peter's arms open wide, you take the hint and hug him. you hide into his neck when he gives you forehead kisses over and over.

"i'm your boyfriend, and i'll only be dating and kissing you for the very long foreseeable future cause i love you and only you."

----------

bonus:: peter and ethan drinking beers and watching over the grill, ethan takes a second to flip some burgers.

peter tells him that you woke him up the other night in a panic.

"what, why?"

peter shakes his head, "she had a dream you were her boyfriend and it scared her so bad she started crying."

"oh, fuck you!"

[bensonoliviasstuff]

“Turning Page”

Chapter four! “We're gonna be Timeless”

Masterlist for Turning Page

Bucky Barnes x fem! reader

Summary: Once Bucky regained consciousness and was no longer the Winter Soldier, all he missed from the 40s was his wife. But maybe she's closer than he thought.

Warnings: English is NOT my first language, so I'm sorry if there are too many errors. A little bit of angst, Rape, memory loss, betrayal, trauma, Insecurities. And the best part: Thanos doesn't exist here

Taglist: @capswife @mostlymarvelgirl @scott-loki-barnes @bxckybxrnes24

“Even if we'd met on a crowded street

in 1944

And you were headed off to fight in

the war

You still would've been mine, we would

have been timeless

I would've read your love letters every

single night

And prayed to God you'd be coming home

all right

And you would've been fine, we would

have been timeless.

‘Cause I believe that we were supposed

to find this”

~ Timeless (Taylor's Version)

You and Natasha arrived at the medical wing, the last time you had been here was when you woke up to the doctors and Tony doing tests.

You hadn't been able to pay that much attention to your surroundings, but now you were hiding behind Natasha as she walked towards the room.

She went in first, talking to Bucky and asking details about the mission and how they got hurt, you continued behind her until she took two steps to the side, finally allowing Bucky to see you.

He seemed very surprised to see you there, opening his mouth to say something but not being able to produce a sound.

“Hi” you said shyly, thinking it would be up to you to break the silence.

“Hi” He said with a smile “What are you doing here?”

“She wanted to see you” Natasha said, hiding her smirk from you.

“Well I..." you stuttered nervously, Bucky smiled at how cute you looked nervous "I... It's not... I just... I was worried" you pointed to his human arm, which was where, you noticed, he got hurt.

“Were you worried about me?” he said pretentious “No need to stutter, thank you, doll”

You froze at the nickname, realizing no one had ever called you that before but with Bucky it felt so right.

He noticed how disconcerted you were and only then did he understand what he said.

He panicked, it was so natural to call you like that, he didn't realize that it wasn't anymore.

“I meant... I...” He stuttered, having no idea what to do to fix the situation, and what if you got scared and moved away from him.

“Who’s stuttering now, huh?” You joked, looking away and biting your bottom lip to hide your rosy cheeks.

He looked at you confused, weren't you surprised? You wouldn't be scared by the nickname and move away?

It seemed not.

Then he smiled at you, still a little embarrassed, but hope seemed to shine in his heart in a way it hadn't in a long time.

Natasha had a hand over her mouth almost in shock at the way Bucky seemed to have suddenly become a teenager, stuttering and flirting, that was definitely not the Bucky she knew.

That made her smile, it wasn't the Bucky she met at the compound, but it was the Bucky you met back in the 40s.

A week passed after Bucky was injured on the mission, and Steve and Natasha were currently sitting at the breakfast table, watching Bucky eating with a smile on his face, wishing good morning to anyone who passed him.

“I think he’s sick” Steve whispered to the redhead

“Lovesick” Natasha whispered back, which made them both contain a laugh.

“Oh my God” Steve put a hand over his mouth in shock. “In 90 years I have never seen Bucky Barnes wake up in a good mood.”

“90?” Natasha said with doubt “He looks like he just turned 15 and is having his first girlfriend”

Tony arrived in the kitchen passing Bucky who happily looked at him and said “Good morning, Tony!”

Tony looked at Bucky with an expression of true fear, quickly moving away and heading towards Steve and Natasha.

"He is sick?" Tony said with a terrified expression.

Steve and Natasha looked at each other before turning to Tony and saying together:

“Love Sick”

It's been like this for the last week, Bucky started spending more time with you, and consequently Bucky seemed to be constantly in his own pink world, no one had seen him this happy in a while.

Despite that, what was still killing him inside was the fact that even after a week here you still didn't remember anything.

He was losing hope that you would remember, but he didn't care about winning you over again, he didn't care about marrying you again, he would do all this dozens of times if it meant he would have you.

He was spending the rest of his hopes on the plans he had set up for today.

“Good morning” you said as you arrived in the kitchen and sat down next to Steve, extending your hand to take a toast that was on the plate when Tony patted your hand.

“This is mine, Little Princess” He said, taking the toast and putting it in his mouth.

You smiled with furrowed eyebrows. “What’s the difference between this one and all the others?”

“I wanted this one, so I got this one” Natasha and Steve laughed. “Earn your seat before choosing the toast”

You laughed, crossing your arms.

“Since you are the voice of wisdom in the kitchen, reveal to me what toast I can get with my insignificance”

He looked at you surprised by your answer, you knew how to suck up, he was starting to like you.

“Y/n don’t do this, If there's anyone sucking up to Tony he's going to get even more arrogant” Natasha said taking your hand.

“I’m just earning my place”

Bucky joined everyone who was laughing at the situation, sitting next to you.

“Good morning” he said, looking at you with affection.

It was still weird to you the way it felt like you had known each other your whole life even after just 8 days together.

But what could you do? You've never felt so comfortable with someone before.

“Good morning, Buck” You felt it was unnatural the way the compound made you feel at home.

“I have a surprise for you” He said, finishing eating and guiding you to your room. “There’s a dress in the wardrobe, I’m going to take you somewhere”

Here begin their last attempts to make you remember.

You went to the wardrobe finding a very beautiful dress, simple and beautiful, you seemed to have seen it somewhere before, but you didn't really know where.

You dressed feeling weird, in the week you were here you only wore hoodies similar to the ones you wore on the first day.

You put it on and decided that you would look better with your hair up, after taking a look in the bathroom mirror, you spent a moment trying to memorize how you looked, it was such a weird sensation that it felt like you were a spectator looking at you in the third person.

Weird, Weird, Weird, it was all Weird, you were tired of using that word for everything this last week.

It was weird having lunch with Bucky, it was weird watching movies with Steve, it was weird going to sleep with music.

You needed to find another word, "weird" was already losing its meaning in your mind.

It was like... It was like...

You sighed, giving up for now, but you would find a word.

You left the room going to the living room that faced the kitchen, Steve, Natasha and Bruce were sitting there.

As soon as Steve laid eyes on you he choked on his own saliva, Natasha patting him as she looked at you with a surprised look.

“Look at her so pretty, where are you going?”

You opened your mouth to respond and then you realized: you didn't know, Bucky hadn't told you anything.

“It’s a surprise, I’m going to take her somewhere” Bucky appeared in the room, placing a hand on your shoulder.“Have a nice ride” Bruce said friendly.

"Yeah, enjoy” Natasha said, patting Steve more.

“Thank you” Bucky said leading you out of the compound, only when you left Steve took a breath.

“What was that, captain?” Natasha said “I thought your hundred years were beginning to take you to the higher plane.

“That dress” Steve said, still a little breathless “It was the dress she wore when Bucky proposed to her”

Natasha opened her mouth in shock. “How did he get a similar dress?”

“Persistence” Bruce said, getting both of their attention “He’s determined to make her remember”

You smiled as the air hit your face and messed up your ponytail, it was the first time you had seen the city in a long time, And it was the first time you had ever been to a city without any mission to kill someone.

Bucky looked at you smiling, You were so beautiful that he fought every instinct to put a hand on your cheek.

"Where are we going?" you turned to him “I think we’ve been in the car for more than twenty minutes”

“I told you it’s a surprise” He said, after a few minutes you noticed a sign approaching.

‘Welcome to Brooklyn’

“Brooklyn?” You said with a smile “It’s my first time in Brooklyn”

Weird, that sentence didn't seem right.

“Weird” again???? What was the other word you were going to use anyway?

Bucky's smile faltered for a moment after you said that, it was quick, if you had blinked you wouldn't have seen it, but you did.

“Yeah, well... I like it here” He said looking into your eyes “It reminds me of home”

Weird, it felt like home to you too.

Agh, someone remove weird from your vocabulary.

When you noticed you were in front of a hospital. Wait, a hospital? Was this Bucky’s idea of “Surprise”?

"A... hospital?" You said, watching the nurses for too long.

It felt right, but you refused to say the word “Weird” again.

“The best place to park is out front” Bucky lied, he wanted to start where you started. "Let's walk"

The two of you walked for a short time, but everything seemed to be hitting you in the gut, the buildings, the streets, even the stores.

Bucky stopped when you arrived at a square, it wasn't that busy but there were still a lot of children and their parents.

Bucky looked at you, searching for any trace of memory on your face, you guys used to come here sometimes on Fridays before lunch, where you would look at the children playing after they got out of school and planned the future, planned children, you would have three children, two boys and a girl because you always dreamed of brothers Michael and Steve protecting the little Olivia.

You looked at the children, smiling with the desperate parents with the naughty children.

“Ah, I always wanted to have children” You said looking around. “Thanks to Hydra this is no longer biologically possible” You saddened, Bucky broke down.

“They… They…” Bucky couldn’t finish the sentence.

“I was kind of a toy, they took out my uterus for safety” You said, looking at Bucky with a smile to prevent him from falling to the ground right then and there “But I'm fine, thanks to you, You are my “Avengers” heroes, thank you for getting me out of there”

He still looked inconsolable, looking at you as if his puppy had died. You didn't want to ruin your day.

“Come on, what do you have planned?” You shook him, trying to make him forget.

He shook his head, seeming to remember his intentions from earlier in the day.

“That one there is the best ice cream ever” He said, pointing to an ice cream cart in the square.

“I can’t wait to try it”

Bucky smiled weakly, you used to prefer desserts before lunch, he always thought that was strange, but according to you it was the fun of being able to be a happy adult.

You went to the old man who was taking care of the ice cream cart.

You stared at the yellow car trying to remember where you recognized it from, but you were unsuccessful despite it sticking in your head.

“A cone of chocolate ice cream, please” Bucky asked, handing the money to the man.

The little old man handed you the cone, looking into your eyes as if he were an old friend, you smiled back, feeling something in your stomach twist.

Bucky guided you to another place, but you continued to stare at the old man, the weirdest thing was that he also kept looking at you and smiling as if he knew exactly what was happening.

You and Bucky sat on a bench near the toys and the noise of the children made you pay attention to the present again.

You tasted the ice cream, feeling astonished when the taste seemed so familiar to you.

You stopped, looking at the ice cream as if trying to figure out if there was some kind of pixie dust in it.

You looked at Bucky

“In fact, it’s the best ice cream I’ve ever had”

He smiled at you, waiting for something more, something like “Oh my God, I remembered all the times we ate ice cream before lunch because I looked like a spoiled child!”

But nothing like that came out of your mouth.

“What do you say we have lunch now?” He asked, the idea seemed quite pleasant to you, so he took you to a nearby restaurant.

As soon as you entered, you felt the atmosphere change, the restaurant smelled like home on Sundays with the family, homemade food, barbecue, children running around the house.

You never had any of this, no family on Sunday, so why did it all feel so strangely right?

Bucky seemed to notice that you felt the atmosphere of the place intensely. “It’s a good place, right?”

You looked around, your eyes seemed to shine and you felt like crying, stupid, why would you cry?

You placed a hand on your chest, walking through the restaurant and watching the customers sitting there with their families, children laughing, the sound of forks meeting plates, and a little melody in the background, God it made you want to cry like a child, And you couldn't find any plausible reason to be so emotional about a normal everyday scene.

Bucky walked behind you hopefully, his eyes almost begging you to remember all the moments you built here.

“How does it feel knowing this is your last day as a single woman?” Bucky held his hand, with a huge smile on his face.

You smiled, looking around the restaurant. “tomorrow I’ll be a married woman” You sighed at the title “Who knew, when I saw you the first time I was sure you weren’t a man who would marry one day”

“And I wasn’t” He laughed “I never was, until I met you” He observed every detail of your face. “I still don't know if I'm going to do this right, but it's not about being a man to marry, it's about knowing that I'll never be able to spend a moment of my life away from you"

He meant every one of those words, It hurt like hell every second he spent away from you after he had redoubled old Bucky's consciousness.

As soon as he left Wakanda, he and Steve went in search of any trace of you, Hydra had taken everything, even photos of your funeral, he spent a long time believing that you had died of cancer many years ago, never having married after him.

This left him inconsolable many times a day, you never having married again, never having had children, never having sought happiness after him.

And now he was here, willing to wait for your love regardless of how long it took for you to love him again.

“Lets sit?" He asked, and you seemed to snap out of your trance, looking at him and nodding.

You sat at a beautiful table that overlooked the entire square you were in before.

Bucky asked if you wanted to choose, but you didn't know exactly what to order so you left it up to him to choose.

You smiled in surprise when a combo with a burger and fries arrived at your table.

You grabbed a fry, putting it in your mouth and letting out a sigh at how good it was.

“This is really good, I don’t think I’ve ever had something this delicious before.” So you picked up the burger to take a bite and as soon as the flavor hit your mouth, your brain felt like a building on fire.

You let go of the burger, pressing your temple as it hurt more, the more it hurt, the more laughter you heard.

That's when you realized the laughter wasn't coming from the people in the restaurant, it was coming from your head.

“I’m always head over heels for you, Doll.”

“Are you okay, Y/n?”

You no longer knew what was really happening and what were voices in your head.

Then, just as it started, it suddenly dissipated.

“Y/n what is wrong?” Bucky asked once again, you looked at him and saw concern in his eyes.

“My head... It started to hurt like my brain was being roasted.” You placed your hand over your forehead “I started hearing things”

"What kind of things?" He asked, still worried, what if it was some side effect of something Hydra did to you?

You looked at him, how would you explain that you suddenly remembered hearing his voice somewhere?

“Things” you said bluntly, removing your hand from your forehead, Suddenly Bucky was laughing. “What's the fun?" You asked confused.

“You just got sauce on your forehead” he took a napkin and wiped your face, you laughed weakly, going back to eating your burger. “When you're done eating, let's go back to the compound, okay? I’m worried about your headache.”

You nodded and took another bite of the burger, this time the taste didn't hurt your brain, The taste was comforting, the way it seemed so familiar was weird.

Not weird, but... Ah, you haven't decided on a word yet.

You finished eating and Bucky left to pay the bill, so you were left wondering what could explain why you heard Bucky's voice in the middle of that chaos, what if Natasha was right? Did you know each other?

"Let's go?" Bucky's voice broke you out of your thoughts.

You walked calmly to the car, Bucky made a funny comment every now and then, and then you fell into a comfortable silence.

When you were near the hospital, Bucky took his keys out of his pocket and with them his wallet fell out.

He didn’t seem to notice so you bent down to pick it up “Buc...” the name died in your mouth when you took a look.

Your knees weakened and everything inside you felt like it was burning now.

There was a photo, a beautiful couple, it didn't seem so shocking until you realized it was Bucky

And you.

The breath left you when you took a look at the image, you were wearing a wedding dress and holding a bouquet of lilies, Bucky was in his suit and kept his eyes on you the whole time.

You stood up, feeling dizzy from the impact that photo had on you, were you married? No, it's impossible, you met 7 days ago, how could you be married?

Bucky turned back only to see your indignant face holding his wallet, he panicked very quickly.

“Y/n... Listen...” He tried to get closer but you took two steps back, dropping your wallet as everything in your body burned just like in the restaurant

"Who are you?" You almost screamed, but your voice didn't come out, tears falling from your face as you felt more headache.

“Come on, doll...” He said, and you remembered his voice that you heard from the restaurant, calling you doll.

“I’m always head over heels for you, doll.”

“Stop!" You placed your hand over your temples in an attempt to calm it all.

“What’s going on, Y/n? What’s wrong? let me help you please!” He begged, but his mind felt like it was starting to go blank, as if several light bulbs were flickering on and off.

“I promise to be true to you, in joy and in sadness, in sickness and in health; I will love you and honour you all the days of my life"

You smiled with tears in your eyes.

"You can kiss the bride"

You looked at Bucky as the memories made you more confused, God! it was driving you crazy, you had two people in conflict inside your head fighting for position.

That's when Bucky approached, holding you by the elbows, As soon as he touched you a key seemed to turn in your head.

It felt like someone had taken glass from your eyes.

Everything seemed to make sense.

Your heart seemed to make sense.

“Bucky” you whispered, tears streaming down your eyes, you raised your hands to touch his face, gently running your fingertips over the marks on his face.

He smiled “Yes, doll, Bucky” then he spent more time watching your face, he started to get rigid as soon as he noticed your gaze changed.

It wasn't Y/n from Hydra

It was his y/n.

His wife.

As soon as he realized this, he desperately placed a hand on your cheek, feeling you, feeling the heat of your skin, feeling your labored breathing.

“You’re alive” You said weakly, but before you could hear his response the headache overcame you, your vision became blurred.

Strong arms held you and you knew you were home.

It wasn't weird, it was... it was...

It was Timeless

[callsigns-haze]

Getaway Car

Pairing: Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x Y/n 'Haze' Mitchell

Summary: He doesn't love you so you leave.

Based of the song: Lavender Haze by Taylor Swift

Warnings: cursing, mentions of abortion, break-ups, angst

Part 1 / Part 2/ Part 3/ Part 4/ Part 5/ Part 6/ Part 7

The air is cold as it hits your face. The wind was violent, hard to get through as you walked in its direction. You keep walking but have no clue where you're even going. You have no proper destination in mind but you're not going back to that apartment.

You want the cold air to clean your mind, as a sort of refreshment. A shaky breath leaves your lips as you try and turn your mind to something different.

It's proved unsuccessful as your phone starts ringing frantically in your pocket. You never know why this happens, the anxiety that hits. It always stops you in your tracks, leaving you in a sort of paralyzation. It hits you like a wave that brings you under, there's no escape and no exit, just pausing.

You know that Jake is calling you, it could only be him, but you did not want to answer. You take out your phone to see a picture of a smiling Jake on the screen in his plane. You don't want to decline it, that's not your plan at all because he'd know you've seen it. You just let it ring off.

It sends him right to voice mail, where he leaves you a heart crushing message. All about how he's the problem and that he doesn't want you wondering so late asking where you were or at least if you're safe, proposing to pick you up. His voice started to break towards the end and even if you felt so much hatred towards him right now, he couldn't be alone, not in that state.

"Come on, Haze, answer me please!" Jake exclaims at this point, desperately. He didn't want it to end like this, he didn't want you to walk away again. He wanted you to be there with him and give him another chance; a chance where he could talk it out with you. He called nine more times, each lead to being unanswered.

Tears started to well up in his eyes, feelings that he could never be able to explain. Even though you did have an abortion of his child and not tell him, he had no right to act in such a way, not in a way that would scare you off to leave again. He couldn't do this alone, he needed to talk with someone and clearly it wouldn't be you. He had to call somebody else, somebody who would listen.

As Jake reached into his back pocket, his phone rang frantically and Jake hoped it was you, he dreamed of it at this point, but to his disappointment it wasn't. Javy. Perfect timing Man. Right as Jake was gonna call him.

Coyote: 'Hey Man, how ya hold-'

Jake simply cut him off, in milliseconds. He didn't want to interrupt him but he also didn't want to hear Coyote finish his sentence. He had to spit out the information on him.

Jake: 'She had an abortion. My child and she didn't tell me. That's why she left back then. For fucks sakes. I let her fucking go again.'

You see, Javy calling wasn't such a coincidence. Haze asked him to check up on Jake, simply mentioning that the two got into a small, heated argument but this was big time news and it hit Javy like a truck.

Coyote: 'Holy shit man, that's difficult shit, god I don't even know how to put this into words… I'm guessing you didn't take it well.'

Jake: 'I overreacted but she got scared. She was scared of me Javy.'

At that he broke. Shattered like a vase into millions of pieces. Each leaving their own, piercing, sound as it hits. The sons left his mouth as Javy was already in his car to go to him.

Jake cared that you had an abortion, he believed the two of you could work it out. It was possible that you two would manage but now what he cared more for is that you were out in the middle of the night, scared of him, scared of his reactions.

Coyote: 'Jake, I'm nearly there.'

Jake: 'Javy, she was fucking scared of me. She looked like she was in fear of me hurting her. She thought I would hurt her… I didn't want to scare her off.'

-------

The wind was getting more string, more violent with each blow. You wrapped your light jacket around your body tightly. Hugging it into your chest as you stepped on the familiar front porch.

You shook a tiny bit before looking at the light coming through the small window on the side of the door. One knock. You gave one knock agaytge wooden frame and you heard someone rush to the door and once it opened, the man seeing your state was ready to kill anyone who hurt you.

"Princess?" Maverick was confused to see his own daughter so late at his porch, especially with mascara stained cheeks from crying and puffy eyes.

With one word you break his heart. One word which leaves your lips in a shake that could destroy a whole city with it's innocence. Maverick didn't know why you were here, but when you said the word, he easily started adding up the facts.

"Daddy."

Once you say it his arms wrap around you and you start breaking into sobs, hit sticky tears stream from upon your eyes, explain their own stories against your father's chest as he knows somebody hurt you so he had to hurt someone.

------

It's been a week since everything happened and Javy and the rest knew that they had to get Jake up and out of the house. He was miserable, he had a right to be. You haven't answered any of his calls or texts and he even tried emails to get in contact with you.

And you weren't at work either. He looked for you in your office, plan and operations tower, yet you were nowhere to be found. He knew if you saw him you'd still be mad at him but for now your father showed that emotion. He put Jake through hell. Every little mistake Jake made had a big consequences upon him now. One wrong move and your father gave him hell on earth.

Every push-up he has done in the past few days represents how big off a jerk. And at this point even Cyclone and Warlock knew which didn't make life merrier for him.

"Jake, what the hell man, put your game together!" Fitz calls out after their group just lost due to Jake's inability to keep focus and wandered directly onto Mavericks radar.

The two of them walk back into the room with the rest of the daggers where he couldn't even look at them. Everyone knew what was going on and what happened between you and him and gave him those stupid sympathetic looks that he never wished for. He looked down on the floor until Fitz commented, "If this is about that chick of yours mate then deal with it. Her ass was too fine to stay with a guy like you. She'd much rather have some of thi-"

Fitz didn't get to finish that sentence as Jake aggressively lunged himself at him. Thank the lord he was quickly grabbed by Rooster and Coyote or this would really turn into a shit show. Though Jake didn't put this down easily, pulling against the hold of Bradley and Javy, grunting with each move until he calmed down and they let go of him.

"Speak of her like that ever fucking again and nobody will be quick enough to catch me from wiping that pathetic smile of your face."

------

You've been staying with your dad for the last week, the room was yours since the start but none of your things were there. In your car you always had a spare flight suit which prevented the need of you having to go back to the apartment urgently. After all it has been a week and there are several other things you needed and from the work schedules you held you knew Jake wouldn't be there so perfect time to move back out.

You drive you car through the twisted estate as you turn left into a underground garage parking. The button on the left of the steering wheel is to open the mechanic doors for you to drive in and does so. You park in your usual spot and reach for the bin bags in the passenger seat. You weren't packing for a sort of vacation, you were packing essentials and getting out; the rest Bradley and Bob should bring you in around two weeks but you could wait it was no rush.

You sigh, hitting your head of the steering wheel. If you had just bloody told him it would have never lead to this. But now it's to late, most hope is gone and you just had to get in and out.

You step out the car and slam the white door shut. You run to the elevator, which thankfully opens immediately and you hit the button to the third floor.

You swiftly dug through the shared wardrobe, picking out the essentials and stuffing them into the bag.

When you enter the apartment it was a mess, clothes everywhere, blinds closed, groceries unpacked, laundry undone, wrappers all around the TV chair. It looked like a depressive hole. And it was all because of you.

You never wanted to abort it but it had to be done you were in fear of being left alone and now you could see the fear in your own eyes. You crushed the man, no other way of putting it. You hurt him so bad, the apartment looks like a caveman lived here.

You stopped stuffing the black bag and carried it up to the front door. You could've left at that, maybe even should've but you wanted to look around. You knew when Jake was in a bad mood, you'd find him in his TV chair. He always was the person to be found in the chair when things got hard or miserable. You walk into the room to see papers upon the chair, your abortion papers along with the only scan you had of the baby.

It looks as if Jake has read through the papers many times, back and front to somehow believe it was all just a dream, something to change faith in a way. On the other side was a pile of Polaroids of you and Jake together. Happy. Free. In love. It was just a week ago that one of them was taken. So close but yet so far of how it felt.

You didn't know when the tears started but now they slipped violently from your eyes. You hurt the only person you properly loved and left him without a word. You were a monster. You were the reason the man you love, suffers. You had to leave now, you couldn't contain it in you anymore, this was all too much.

"Haze." This couldn't be happening, not right now, you just wanted to leave and get here we go again, in the same position as seven years ago when you were leaving for proper. Javy. He had to always come at the worst times, his way of perfect timing in a way. "Coyote, I hav-"

"Oh shut it Haze, you don't have to do shit, you just fucking leave and now here you are about to leave again, again after breaking his heart."

Strong, hit you right to the core. You were already crying but this was someone finally being realistic with you. Every time something bad happened, you cave and ran. Something your mother passed onto you. She never wanted you, after your birth she just simply left and that's a habit you've only managed to pick up from her. Leaving.

"Y/N, I shouldn't have said that… Please don't leave him again." The desperation in Javy's voice was iconic. It wasn't him we were talking about anymore, yet here we are him trying to get you to stay for a friend. "Haze, don't leave again, please. He lov-"

"No Javy, not anymore. He doesn't love me anymore, not now. He doesn't want me anymore. And it's for the best this time. He just doesn't want me anymore and I don't want to cause more pain."

"He still cares Y/N."

"No Javy, just no.."

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@a-beaverhausen

[lover-of-mine]

the whole ‘why is he here’ thing is 95% of the reason i don’t understand where tf BT shippers are getting all of this from. ‘tommy’s so kind to buck’ ‘they’re so smitten’ ‘they’re made for eachother’ ‘buck’s so happy with tommy’. okay, but where?? show me in canon, read me dialogue, point out specific scenes, SHOW ME exactly where the show had told or shown you that these things are true. and they can’t! because there has been nothing on screen to suggest this, no development, no certainty about their relationship, no discussion about their relationship at all actually, no emotional connection… sure buck is smiling and happy but it’s not like buck has never smiled or never been happy before? ‘buck’s grinning!’ that’s literally how oliver smiles! he cheeses!! the show is giving absolutely nothing but then the shippers run with it and headcanon and make things up out of thin air and decide it’s canon fact to shove in people’s faces and delude themselves into believing they’re getting more than they are. either season 8 breaks them off and treats him as the fairly unimportant plot device for buck’s bisexuality realisation that they decided to keep around for a bit longer because he was getting them clicks and attention, despite the fact that they had no idea what to do with him… or it actually makes an effort to prove to us ‘why he is still here’. i know which option i’d prefer…. but my point still stands. sorry for the paragraph!

Don't apologize, I'm giving you a standing ovation. The whole Buck is happy, he's grinning thing if funny because he was like that with every girl before? He was grinning like that at Ali, he looked smitten by Taylor up until the point in 5a where they decided the relationship has been enough, everyone saw how he was smiling a Natalia at the coffee date or during 618, even the cemetery while talking about her and no one was screaming endgame even tho Natalia was played out to be his endgame in case of a cancellation. And the whole T is so kind to Buck, sure, the flirting can be cute in 704, BUT Buck is an unreliable narrator, so I kinda eye everything that happened there wondering how much is true and how much is Buck's rose colored glasses, but even in that scene, T was in no position to excuse Buck from hurting Eddie, and he actually asked Buck out after kissing him out of nowhere instead of running away like Taylor, but it's not like Taylor set a very high bar. Then maybe the way he tops Buck's beer on the date? But that gets overshadowed by the way he calls a car and leaves Buck on the curb, only communicating he's leaving when he's literally in the car, when he could've talked to Buck before? Also the closet joke to Eddie when he knew Buck wasn't out was ?????? And then we have the coffee that i still don't understand why any of that happened, because why would you agree to go to someone's sister's wedding after half a date you walked off? Then the party, if he was so great he would've dressed on theme????? He literally needs to change into a uniform because he shows up at the hospital in said uniform, so he could've put effort into his outfit. The way the hospital scene could've been cute if he had helped Buck clean his face or at least told Buck his face was dirty, and they could've walked in holding hands or something. The ceremony had nothing, Buck's hand was even in his pocket because there was nothing about that conversation to indicate they were more than friends. And the dinner in the loft had Buck being vulnerable, and the weirdest tone shift leading to a kink joke that feels very out of place given the circumstances. That's it. That's every scene. Tell me where are you seeing them being made for each other? I honestly feel like T comes out as callous and condescending every time he opens his mouth. I can't find anything to like about him or about him when it comes to Buck and I legit don't understand where the hype is coming. Like, seriously. The show gave me nothing. Let's see how the show handles him next season, I guess.

[bettyshoweduptotheparty]

You're Losing Me Analysis

Ok, you got me, enough people messaged me with cute gifs and pretty pleases asking for this analysis to motivate me to finish it. So, here it is, my lyrical analysis of You're Losing Me.

I will stick to my interpretation of this song NOT being about a romantic relationship, the poll I did a while ago showed that most people interpret it to be about a romantic relationship breakdown. I will explain why I don't think that, but if you do, the main lyrical themes will still apply. (Colour coding of main themes at the end)

Before any lyrics, this songs starts with two sounds: A heartbeat and a massive sigh. Like, a really big one, you can even hear the inbreath. Something I've only ever experienced when someone is really, really exhausted and annoyed. I've sometimes made that noise when I'm standing in the pieces of something my children have broken, after I've told them a thousand times not to break it. The non-verbal expression of 'I f*cking told you this would happen'. So, before we even hear any words, I'm able to tell that this is about something that has happened before. We've been round and round this thing a million times. This breakdown has been a long time coming, a death by a thousand cuts if you will ;)

The heartbeat also sets the scene for the main lyrical theme before the first verse starts: A patient in an emergency situation, I envision a hospital room with a heart monitor. Over this heartbeat (and minimal production) we hear Taylor addressing her audience by saying

You say, "I don't understand," and I say, "I know you don't"

The You and the I are having a disagreement, but it's not so much an argument, as a miscommunication. They don't understand what she's saying but Taylor was already expecting that. Immediately, the first line confirms what the sigh was already indicating: This is not a new issue, we've been here many times before so Taylor is well aware that this communication isn't working. Then in the next line

We thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't

She introduces the medical theme in the lyrics with the word 'cure'. The metaphor is that the relationship that's being described here is the patient that's dying in hospital. This theme is incredibly present throughout the entire song, there is a constant 'brink of death' threat, with mentions of 'gashes', my face was grey' and 'too far gone to bring back to life'. And then, of course, the chorus is the culmination of this with the repetitions of 'Stop, you're losing me' and 'I can't find a pulse, my heart won't start anymore'. This gives me images of an emergency room situation where the patient is flatlining and the doctors are trying to revive them. Or maybe a battlefield, as the last line of the first verse introduces the secondary theme of war or combat with 'You might just have dealt the final blow'. Taylor has of course used the war imagery many times before when talking about conflict, such as in All Too Well ('I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight'), Call it What You Want ('I brought a knife to a gun fight'), The Great War, and the Archer ('I'm ready for combat').

So, despite the initial resignation, Taylor is fighting with the person/people she is addressing here. They are the one that's injuring the patient to the point of near death. And in the chorus she is telling them that, asking them to stop, because the relationship is dying. But we don't yet learn what she is asking them to stop doing. She does, however, show the problem in the relationship when she says:

Remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?

It's a WE versus I situation: We used to love this room, but now I (and only I) am left sitting alone in the dark. And only I get to make the decision about what to do with all the stuff we built together, because you're not even here to sit in the dark with me. Also, notice the light versus dark comparison. You are only there for the light (easy) parts, and not the dark (hard). In that context, I am inclined to interpret the room in this line as her stages and the light being the spotlight. We loved standing in the light together/You loved seeing me in the light, but now you've left me in the dark. This is why I really think this song is about the relationship with her majority fanbase and not a romantic relationship. Since 1989 she's written about her romantic partner in a way that makes it clear that this person is with her through thick and thin, on reputation we had End Game and New Years Day, the ultimate song about being there after the party when the glitter fades and it's not glamorous anymore, and in CIWYW she literally says her lover's 'starry eyes sparking up my darkest night'. So, I don't think it's her partner who is leaving her in the dark here, it's the fans. And the 'everything we built' is of course the fame/sold out stadiums etc. And that theme continues in the next verse:

Every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick

Now the picture is becoming clearer as to what the 'you' here is doing that Taylor is asking them to stop, or better what they're NOT doing. She's glaring at them, sending signals and biting her nails, using all forms of non-verbal communication, but they're not being received. Or she's being willfully ignored. The 'I sent you signals' is a screaming parallel to 'I gave so many signs' from Exile and 'sending signals to be double-crossed' from Evermore. And I think in all three cases, it is referring to queer flagging. And just like in High Infidelity (a similar song thematically) she says 'There's many ways that you can kill the one you love/ the slowest way is never loving them enough', here she's saying 'How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?. Both boils down to the same thing: Your ignorance is killing me and it's a slow and painful death. She ends the verse on the medical theme which has now slightly shifted to Taylor being the dying patient ('My face was grey' - corpse) and the relationship being sick. Over the chorus we still hear the heartbeat though, so she's dying but she's not dead yet.

Let's talk about the bridge. This is juicy, as Taylor's bridges always are, but this one, of course, had the one line that sent all the swifties into an angry rampage against Joe Alwyn. But we'll get to that. The first line is in fact my favourite:

How long could we be a sad song 'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?

She calls the relationship a 'sad song'. And that's obviously an interesting thing for a songwriter to say, and I've seen many good interpretations of this line, but mine is this: Taylor is the girl who made her name as the young country singer who writes sad breakup songs about her past relationships. And she owned that for a while, until she openly discussed how much it trivialises her writing and that songs are more than just the person she's writing about (not as simple as a paternity test etc.), but have people stopped making her songs about men? When the Joe breakup hit the news, wasn't the first thing the swifties said 'Oh, the next album is going to be soooo sad...."?? So...for some people she still is, and will always be, just the girl who writes about breakups. And she's saying to those people 'how long can this relationship last if that's all you'll ever see me for?' She also, once again uses the medical theme of 'bringing the relationship back to life' when it has in fact died multiple deaths already. But this time it might just be 'too far gone' to be revived.

I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier Fighting in only your army, frontlines, don't you ignore me I'm the best thing at this party (You're losing me)

She also continues the war/combat theme with being the 'bravest soldier' who is bleeding whilst on the frontline 'fighting in only your army'. This is also important. Taylor is the soldier but she's not fighting for her own cause, she's fighting in the other person's army. She's making herself bleed, for the other person's sake. Much like a closeted gay person pretending to be straight for the mass appeal. It's making me bleed for your benefit, but you don't even notice, DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!! And then we get to the ultimate bait and switch line:

And I wouldn't marry me either A pathological people pleaser Who only wanted you to see her

Where you will all shout at me 'How can it not be about a romantic relationship, it has the line about marrying!!!'. Relax, I think this is intentional. What an easy way to make the whole song sound like it's about a breakup with just one line when the rest of the song suggest something else (to me at least). I don't see this as being about a literal marriage proposal, more like a 'I wouldn't choose me either'. Very much along the lines of Anti Hero, I'm the problem, why would you choose me, but I'd still love it if you did. And she even says in the next part 'I have nothing to believe, unless you're choosing me.'

And I'm fadin', thinkin'

(POV changes, addresses self:) "Do something, babe, say something" (Say something) "Lose something, babe, risk something" (You're losing me) "Choose something, babe, I got nothing" (I got nothing) "To believe, unless you're choosin' me"

So in the imperatives, the direction of address changes and she's now thinking to/addressing herself with these commands: 'DO something, SAY something, LOSE something, CHOOSE something, RISK something.' Almost like she's trying to jumpstart herself into action. This all screams BE BRAVE to me, especially the 'say something' because in the previous verse she was communicating in all these non-verbal ways (glaring, signals, nail biting) and that wasn't working. She's telling herself to be brave and SAY something, make it unmistakably clear, but that may well mean risking something and losing it. Also, choose something babe, you can't play both sides forever. In the last line she then addresses the audience again by saying 'I have nothing to believe unless you're choosing me.' She wants to be chosen by her audience as her authentic self, not as the 'sad song' girl. Once she's said all those hard hitting truths, what follows is a massive pause, a moment of total silence. Like the moment when you've finally said all you wanted to say and now you're waiting for the reaction. And when you almost think the song has ended, we get the heartbeat again and one more chorus.

SILENCE You're losin' me Stop (Stop, stop), you're losin' me Stop (Stop, stop), you're losin' me I can't find a pulse (HEARTBEAT STOPS) My heart won't start anymore

In this last chorus the Stops are now echoed twice to increase the urgency in this plea, it sounds almost like she's saying 'stop, stop stop! It's really about to be over!'. And it is, as the heartbeats stops on the word 'pulse' and the patient has finally died. She concludes on what we have just witnessed 'My heart won't start anymore' but there is no 'for you' this time, because the relationship is dead now. No more coming back this time.

Thematically, to fit into the concept of midnights, this could be a song set in early 2019 when she was planning her coming out, or it could be more recent, as an internal counter piece to Anti Hero. I hope this lived up to what you hoped for, people who asked so nicely :)

blue - medical theme/imagery

orange - direct address to audience

green - war/combat theme

[elvensorceress]

So there is a "leaked" script that claims Eddie asked Marisol to move in, and is it just me, or is that completely out of character for Eddie? He dated Ana for longer, and they weren't living together. we are really supposed to believe that he would ask Marisol to move in after a few months of dating? Unless Eddie is unable to process anything after learning his Buck. Is dating a man that is not him, and instead of breaking up with her like he planned, he pulls a Buck and asks her to move in with him.

Eddie does not deserve to be stuck with someone like Marisol.

According to 7x04, he apparently needs a live-in babysitter so he can go out with his shiny new boyfriend. So… 🤣  And it took a whole relationship and a blackout before Ana was his babysitter! Just from that much I’m still going, yikes. Like, girl, do you not have friends? Do you not have someone who will tell you this relationship is red flags all over the place? Can we not call up your Folger brother and have him talk some sense into you? 

You’re very right though. Eddie deserves so much better. 

I have heard about the supposed leaked scripts and I’ll talk some about that under a cut below in case anyone wants to read my thoughts on it. 

But what I’ll say in general is that in some of the interviews we’ve been seeing recently especially with canon bi!Buck, Mr. Showrunner had scathing things to say about love interests who are just there to be love interests. He didn’t like that they couldn’t interact with any of the other characters and that they weren’t part of the overall story. 

Given we’ve had what, two? offhand comments and maybe five whole seconds of screen time this season with her, if they wanted to actually develop that relationship for the audience, they could have done that. And should have done that a long, long time ago. (For example, see Eddie and Tommy’s relationship. In one whole episode they did more to build that up than they have done for Eddie/allegedgirlfriendconfirmedterf in all of season 6 or 7.)

Instead, they showcased the bond between Buck and the Diazes and the trauma that Eddie and Chris still have over Shannon leaving and them losing her. And also Eddie’s new friendship with Tommy that sounded like they were both spending every day, every moment together. 

So far for Miss Homophobe, we have—

hey mari it me eddie from the hardware store

the phone call where they set up a date

it's not MY date it's CHRIS' date (r u sure, dude? why is she there then 🤣)

her chaperoning Chris’ date with Eddie

her babysitting twice off screen

Obviously, she’s in the next episode and they have a pizza date while Eddie has to stare at his bestest friends while they’re on a date. But at this point, if you want the audience to root for the relationship or enjoy it at the very least, it’s a little late in the game for that? We have nothing to go on and it doesn’t make sense if we’re taking it at face value. 

All this to say, if he does ask her to move in with him, there is no way for the audience to buy that it’s genuine, reasonable, or a smart move. It reads like Buck asking Taylor to move in with him because he cheated and he’s desperate and clinging. Even if Eddie and the terf show up and are all happy and handsy and lovey, it’s not convincing. There’s been no development. It would come across like Buck and Ali apartment hunting and being touchy and giggly, and then her dumping him at the end of the episode. It sets up a contrast between what we think is happening and what is really happening. Perceived happiness vs the reality of not knowing each other and their relationship crumbling.

I don’t remember who said it or when it was said, maybe it was Kristen? But I know someone talked about how Eddie rushed things with Ana and they were wanting to do the opposite when continuing his story. Dating someone for (how long has it even been? 2-3 months? Idek? Does Eddie even know?) Mere months and asking them to move in reeks of, “something is going wrong and I have to fix it by doing something rash and ill-advised to keep us together.” 

Remind me to do a post about Eddie also being someone who clings and stays because it’s convenient and he doesn’t want to be alone. 

It would be completely out of character if it is a sincere, legit thing. However, as a panic response? I buy it. But that also doesn’t bode well for their future. Darn. Hold on, I’ll get the champagne. That relationship is just waiting to be bones. And in an episode called, “You Don’t Know Me,” is where they’re putting their relationship under a microscope? Hildy, cue up the ominous music. 

I doubt the glorious day we are free of her will be this week. I think they are just starting whatever they have planned. Unfortunately. I would hope they kept her around and brought her back for a reason like what they did with Eddie/Ana. I want there to be something satisfying about the end and the fact that we have to suffer through this. It just needs to happen quickly because I am so over homophobic terfs who know what fucking show they’re on and what the story is and still persist in their assholish bigotry.  

Now? My thoughts on the leaks?

IF we are to believe they are legit, and who knows if they are. But if we are saying they are legit, then Buck comes out to Eddie at the very end and Eddie is surprised. So, Eddie likely wouldn’t be jealous or weird about Buck and Tommy dating if he didn’t even know they are dating. Plus, they just had a whole episode dedicated to jealous!Buck and it would be redundant to immediately take that into, now EDDIE is the JEALOUS ONE. I think they’d have to take the story further for Eddie to really consider how he feels about Buck and Tommy dating. 

Maybe it will come down to him being displeased by it (for some unknown reason he just can't put his finger on) and grappling with how he genuinely likes Tommy a lot and that’s a new thing for him and one of Buck’s love interests? But it wouldn’t happen this week. In theory, this week is about Buck feeling like he’s hiding because he just realized he’s bi and hasn’t told anyone yet. Hence, more of the “you don’t know me.” 

Obviously, I am rooting for Buddie. All the way. All the time. I like Buck/Tommy just fine but they’re not BuckandEddie. But I think it will take a while before we see anything that might really develop the Buck & Eddie storyline. They’re working on Buck’s bisexual awakening and his first time dating a man. WHERE OH WHERE ARE MY EDDIE STORYLINES.  I just want them to do some justice for my boy. Give him something interesting! And for the terf to gtf away from him. :D

And apologies, I rambled a lot at you. Love and hugs!

[maybankswhore]

no body , no crime ’ tyler galpin

pairings: tyler galpin x reader

summary: after noticing tyler’s abnormal behavior , you start piecing things together. and at your breaking point , you confront tyler about the things you’re beginning to assume & feel.

warnings: cursing , gaslighting , betrayal , heartbreak , sadness , shitty writing.

“ i think he did it & i just can’t prove it. ”

You tried really hard to ignore that feeling in your stomach.

You really , really did.

But you knew Tyler better than anyone else. Better than his dad , better than Wednesday Addams could ever , and even better than himself.

It was a slow transition. It didn’t happen all at once. It took you awhile to remember back to when it first started. . . Before Wednesday even arrived , or before the two had even met.

One day he had came into the Weathervane so happy. His entire mood was energetic and bouncy. His eyes were wide and pupils were dilated. You swore up and down that he was high or something. And when you asked , he gave some vague answer about just being happy and he kissed your cheek , and then you never talked about it again.

He started staying out later. Gradually as the weeks went by and the seasons changed , you saw less and less of Tyler once evening came.

Unless he was working a late shift at the coffee shop , the latest you saw him was six in the afternoon and if you were lucky , seven thirty.

You tried ignoring it at first. You told yourself you were being silly and he was probably just really busy , or depressed and wasn’t ready to talk about it. You tried every excuse in the book to ignore the feeling you got every time you were next to him.

Then he started getting more tired of you. He snapped at you more and his eyes were forever changed to a dark brown compared the shimmering light hazel look they held when he was in the sun. Sometimes the bags under his eyes were so bad , you’d be worried sick something was really wrong.

Once Wednesday waltzed herself into Tyler’s life , his attention was immediately on her. It struck your heart , truly , seeing as though he seemed to really enjoy his time around her. More than he was having with you in the last six months.

The disappearance of Rowan was the last straw from you. All of the sneaking around , the whispers from Xavier and Wednesday talking about like nobody else around them could hear. . . but you did.

You had researched as much as you could. Coming into a couple dead ends until the night Wednesday was attacked by Rowan— and Tyler was nowhere to be seen.

You waited to confront him until it was the right time. The waiting nearly killed you. Sick to your stomach , wondering what to say and how to go about it. It was Tyler. Out of all people it was Tyler , and you could never see someone as kind and patient as him potentially be something so evil.

But you needed to find out the truth.

Finally you had your chance when he picked you up in Jericho after you called , demanding that you two spoke. He tried making up an excuse to get out of it , like he had been doing for months. But you didn’t let up.

“So what couldn’t wait.” Tyler sighed as he parked the car in a vacant parking lot , turning down the AC so he could hear you better.

You slid yourself towards the passenger door , swallowing the nerve’s threatening to come up as you avoided looking at him. “You’ve been lying to me.” You muttered , recounting every lie he had told , each time and each different excuse.

Tyler scoffed. “About what?” He shook his head and watched you carefully , noticing the unusual distance you were keeping.

“You know you have.” You pushed. You focused on your own hands , playing with them to ease your nerves. “I–I’ve been wondering what’s going on with you. Why you haven’t been here. . .” your bottom lip trembled as you were finally able to speak about your feelings , feel closure behind everything you’ve been thinking in your head. You weren’t crazy.

“Baby–”

“No.” You cut him off sternly , finally picking your head back up to look him in the eye. “Tell me the truth , Tyler. Was it you that hurt Rowan? Made him disappear?” You accused. You remembered Wednesday’s mumbling about to her floating hand ‘thing’– as she called him. Your lurking and eavesdropping was not for nothing— and you were putting the pieces together.

It couldn’t have been Xavier. Not when Tyler disappeared exactly when things conspired.

“W–What?” Tyler’s eyes grew wide at your big accusation. Sweat began to form at the back of his neck , scoffing dismissively. “You can’t be seriously asking me that.”

“I am.” You defended yourself , crossing your arms. “I don’t know what it is you’re doing , Tyler but I know there’s something you’re not telling me.” Your breath was shaky as you paused to collect yourself. “And if you aren’t telling me about me , then I know it can’t be anything good because you– you’ve always been honest with me. You’ve always told me everything.” Feeling yourself getting worked up , you sat up and turned your head away from him.

Tyler looked like a deer in headlights. You couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen this coming— that his actions hadn’t mattered to you or something. Like you hadn’t cared enough to notice something was different.

“Is it some prank you’re pulling with your normie friends?” You filled his silence with more accusations. “Or is it something even worse , Tyler? Something that’s gonna get people hurt— you hurt?”

“How could you ask me something like that?” Tyler gaped at you. His face full of hurt. “I told you I slipped off to use the bathroom—” he shook his head. “Y/N you’re my girlfriend.” He looked at you square in the eye , searching your face and scanning your expression. “You know me.”

You shook your head almost laughing. “Do I? I’ve barely even seen you these past few weeks. You’re always out , doing something with Wednesday then going to therapy and going God knows where every night when you tell me you have things to do and never elaborate what those things are! You don’t speak to me half the time , or look at me. When we are together you’re somewhere else , counting down the seconds until you’re finally rid of me.”

“That’s not true.” Tyler scratched his head anxiously , shaking his head quickly. “It’s not. I’m sorry , okay? I’m sorry I’ve been distant I’ve just—” he tried coming up with something quick , sensing your disconnection. He didn’t like it and he didn’t like the situation he was in.

He loved you. He really did. He hadn’t meant for everything to get screwed up. You were never supposed to be apart of anything.

“We can get better.” Tyler reasoned. He reached over the center console to find your hand that had been fisting the material of your clothes for comfort. You sighed at the contact , eye’s fluttering closed.

“That doesn’t explain what’s going on.” You said lowly. You should’ve took your hand away , but you couldn’t. You liked the feeling too much. You missed him way too much. “Something bad is going on , Tyler. I know there is. What aren’t you telling me?” Finally getting the courage to meet his eyes , your eyes locked together and you could feel your shoulders start to relax and your body crave to get closer to his. The sadness in his eyes , glazing over with anxiety and hesitation. You hated seeing him like this. “Please. . .” you whispered , reaching up to cup his cheek. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Tyler’s eyes began to tear up as you touched him. He didn’t realize how far apart the two of you had been. He melted into your palm , fluttering his eyes closed at the touch. “I wish I could.”

“You can.” You pushed. “Whatever it is , we can get through it together.”

“I just. . .” Tyler sighed. “I just need you to not give up on me.” He avoided your question easily , pleading with his eyes to get you to drop it.

Your stomach fell at his words and you knew.

“I can feel my heart breaking.” You whispered to him. “Because I’m scared.”

Tyler frowned and grabbed your chin softly. “Hey , don’t say that. You shouldn’t be scared of anything.”

“I’m scared about how much it’s gonna hurt when I find out what’s going on with you Tyler.” You admitted shamefully , bottom lip trembling. “Because I know you , more than anyone and something isn’t right.”

You had no proof. You had nothing but assumptions that you had pieced together. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as you were thinking. Maybe you were being overdramatic and let Wednesday’s detective act was getting to you.

You wanted to believe him but you couldn’t.

Whatever he was doing , you couldn’t prove it. And without proof , you had nothing.

But you were going to find out.

[ifancyharry]

exes to lovers based on hits different by taylor swift 🤔🤔 like i’m thinking lots of groveling from the reader

Hiii anon!!! i'm so sorry if this wasn't what you had in mind, i got a little bit carried away with it i think 😭

anyway, let me know if you liked it i love feedbacks!!!!

Word count: 5.5k+

Warnigs: little bit of smut, angst

(Also, petition to make blondie release this on spotify??)

Harry didn’t know he’d be leaving her place heart broken that cold January morning when she asked him to come over because they needed to talk.

He could usually read people quite well, but not her: her tired eyes and glacier expression could mean everything and nothing all at once. It wasn’t the first time he saw her like this, so exhausted she looked energy drained, so he didn’t question her when she let him in with a mumbled hello and no greeting kiss.

Despite her bubbly personality, she was one to get sad many days at a time, and Harry found her never easy to understand. He always felt as if something was missing from their relationship; sometimes she would ignore his texts for a couple of days only to call him days later in the middle of the night and ask him to come over, beg, really, as if nothing ever happened. 

Other times she would just ask him to hold her tight, and even though he knew she was upset, he’d never gotten the courage to question it. He doesn’t know why. He has to admit he sometimes gets a little scared he’s losing her. 

They hadn’t been dating for long, a little over seven months; she was a friend of Sarah’s and tagged along on one of their usuals pub-hangouts. Harry noticed her right away because she carried herself around with a sort of melancholy that she masked with the most joyous exterior, and he thought she was kind of pretty. Too pretty to be drunk dialing her ex boyfriend for a hookup instead of enjoying a night out with her friend. So he decided to talk to her as a way to distract her from her phone, but he actually wanted to get to know her and he felt like it was easier that way since she was a little tipsy.  

Their relationship had always been kind of off, to Harry; he would get sad when he saw his friends being affectionate with their partners and he couldn’t even hold her hand in public, because YN never really wanted to be introduced to people as his girlfriend.

When his close friends would ask about that, he always had defended her: she’s not like that when we’re alone; she’s just shy; she’s private with this stuff. (He wouldn’t miss the pitied looks they gave him) But it had come to a point where Harry couldn’t even believe his own words when he’d say that. 

He didn’t think he was doing anything wrong: he always respected her spaces, never pressured her into doing something she didn’t want, he thought he was a good listener and an okay lover, so all he was left with was wondering if she somehow felt ashamed of him. Maybe she was embarrassed to be his girlfriend? The mere thought hurt his heart so much he felt it was hard to breathe. But really that was the only explanation that came to mind. 

Despite their troubled relationship, he never, not once, thought about breaking up with her, because he liked being a they with her. He liked their little rituals; rubbing her feet while she searched for rom-coms to watch on Netflix, smelling her perfume on himself after she’d spent the night, he liked — loved — her strangled moans in his ear when he’d push himself into her. 

Maybe that’s why she did it first, Harry thinks, because he was so weak he couldn’t even break up with her when something was clearly wrong in their relationship. 

Harry had been shattered when she told him. She said: I don’t think this is working anymore, and he felt the floor vanishing from under his feet. 

He’d cried and begged, all he wanted was a valid reason, but she wouldn’t tell him. She was so quiet he wanted to shake the words off of her, but he wasn’t one that fought. He always went with people’s decisions, so he went with it. He nodded his head, said he understood in a way, and left her house with a heavy heart, closing the door behind him and leaving her behind too. 

He wonders what would’ve happened if he’d gotten the courage to get back inside. To knock on the door so hard he’d smash his knuckles. He doesn’t know he probably would’ve found her a crying mess on the floor, her hands buried in her hair as she tugged harshly on them. He would’ve told her they’d be fine and she’d hold him tight and never let go, but he didn’t go back. He didn’t go back. That’s the whole point, to her. He unlocked his car and drove away as fast as he could. 

He felt like throwing up the entire drive home, and even many days later when Mitch’d ask him how she was, he wanted to shut himself in his dressing room, grab a pillow and scream into it. He did that a couple of times, actually, despite how pitiful it felt.

(…)

“Tell me he’s not going to be there.” YN looked deeply in Sarah’s eyes, as if to find out in any way a telltale that her friend was lying to her.

“He’s not, he has a charity dinner.” 

Sarah couldn’t possibly know Harry’d come to the pub after said dinner. She felt so bad when she saw YN’s face once she came back to their table holding her drink and found him sitting in what used to be her place, probably thinking it was an empty seat. 

YN swore she could’ve heard the sound her heart made as it fell in her stomach. She believes everyone in the pub heard it. She could feel herself starting to sweat cold as she plopped down on the wooden chair at the head of the table.

He didn’t even spare her a glance. She wanted to be honest with herself and admit that seeing him changed everything, but she couldn’t bring herself to do that. Because things hadn’t changed. She was still her. She was still that messed up version of herself that didn’t deserve him, that hadn’t changed, so she forced herself to laugh at Jeff’s not-so-funny jokes and pretend everything was okay.

Harry felt himself suffocating. She was sitting next to him and he could feel her knee brushing against his, his skin burning behind the fabric of his jeans. He hadn’t seen her in three weeks, that was the longest they’d ever been apart, and he was a mess. He knew everyone could tell. 

He had gained a couple of pounds because he’d spent his weekends stuffing himself with Nutella and ice cream to the point where he felt like he could throw up (he fucked up his three years streak of being pescatarian but he feels like he should be justified). 

When he felt like throwing up, he sat on the cold bathroom tiles and waited. He hoped he’d throw up all his feeling for her, flush them down the toilet and feel clean. But somehow he felt even worse when he realized it hadn’t worked.

So it wasn’t really his fault when he, as he tried to get rid of his suffocating hoodie he’d changed into after the dinner, hit her nowhere near empty glass by accident, the alcoholic liquid splashing all across her shirt and jeans. He hadn’t realized what he’d done until he finally tossed the hoodie aside and everyone was looking at him. 

“Fuck,” he muttered “i’m so sorry”. 

He managed to hurriedly grab a couple of napkins from the center of the table and handed them to her. She stretched her hand timidly to take the napkins, and as she did that their fingers brushed softly. 

She tried not to put too much thought into that as she dabbed the now wet napkins onto her shirt and jeans. “I’ll try to wash this off in the bathroom.” She mumbled, averting her chair that moved with a loud sound. 

She walked hurriedly to the bathroom, feeling Harry’s eyes bore in the back of her head.

She locked the door behind her and leaned her back against it for a moment. She released a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

Once she gathered the courage and the strength in her legs to move, she walked towards the sink and opened the faucet, letting the water run.

She glanced towards the door for a moment and then after remembering she locked it prior, she removed her t-shirt and tossed the stained part under the water.

She rubbed the fabric together as a way to get rid of the stain faster and she could feel herself getting flustered as the stain only seemed to grow more. YN could feel her eyes sting as she grabbed the soap dispenser with trembling hands and unscrewed the cap. She poured some on the stain and kept rubbing, her shirt completely soaked by now. 

She let out a sob as she realized the state of her t-shirt. She let go of the shirt and looked at her reflection in the mirror. What’s wrong with me?, she thought, it’s just a stupid Primark shirt, I have plenty of these. 

But obviously she knew this wasn’t about the shirt. 

She took her image in as she stood there before the mirror only in her plain white bra and wet stained jeans. She looked pathetic. She could feel the sticky drink on her belly and she splattered some water on it, trying to get rid of the alcohol still lingering on her skin.

She felt gross and tipsy as she grabbed her phone from her back pocket and sent a text to Sarah to ask her if she could meet her in the bathroom with her coat. 

When Sarah knocked on the door, she unlocked the door but didn’t open it. Sarah entered anyway, finding her sitting on the sticky bathroom floor, all eyes closed and cheeks stained by dark tears. 

“C’mon, babe,” Sarah walked towards her, crunching down to be at level with her and grabbing her by the arm “up you get.”

They both stood up and YN stumbled a little on her feet. She was glad for Sarah, even though she’d never told her in their five years of friendship.

“I… I can’t, he’s-“ YN wanted to tell Sarah how much it hurt her heart to see him, but she couldn’t find her words to. 

You see, the thing with YN is that she never had a good example of a lasting relationship. Her parents divorced when she was six; she doesn’t remember anything about her childhood if not the excruciating pain that overcame her the second her father closed the door behind him. She felt as if she had grown all at once standing before the front door, and she wasn’t six anymore; she was a big girl that didn’t need her daddy to tuck her under the covers to sleep. She slept just fine without his goodnight kiss. Except she didn’t, because despite feeling like a grown up, she was still six. 

That’s why she’d never had a serious relationship in her 26 years of life. Lots of hookups and sleep overs since she was 16 with boys that reminded her of her father, because her mum worked night shifts at the nursing home and she didn’t feel like being home alone, and because she felt that relationships where a minefield she didn’t want to step in. 

With Harry, it was different. He wasn’t like her father. He was soft. He was patient. He listened to her, he saw her, he took his time with her. She could tell he’s been hurt in the past too, and she admired him for staying tender hearted despite everything. She never told him, but she felt as if he knew, by the way he kissed her forehead before bed and by the way he’d ask her if she’d eaten.  

With Harry, it was different, until it wasn’t. Because she wasn’t. She was her dad in their relationship. Passive aggressive and scared of commitment. So she knew it never could’ve worked. She had been selfish when she allowed herself to date him. She thought he’d eventually get tired of her, or that she’d leave him when she felt suffocated by him, and yes, it’s true, she did break up with him, but not because he was overwhelming.

She simply felt in her heart she couldn’t do to Harry what his father had done to her mother, she couldn’t hurt him in that way. So she broke up with him, and what if she cried silently in her room for days? What if she felt sick at the thought of what her life had gotten to? She was at peace knowing Harry wouldn’t be hurt.

“I know.” Sarah only said, wrapping the coat around her shoulders. “Let’s get you home”.

(…)

It had been a couple of weeks since she saw Harry at the pub, and she couldn’t seem to get their last encounter off her mind. She thought drinking her problems away every weekend would eventually mean she’d forget about him, his sparkly green eyes and woodsy scent. But it still hadn’t happened.

Drinking seemed to be the only thing she could do while she waited for the pain in her chest to ease, that’s why she accepted her friend’s from university invite to go out with some of her friends that night. She really didn’t feel like going out, but she didn’t want to stay home either, so she figured she’d go, get drunk, and then uber home. Maybe she’d even find a cute guy to bring home. She kind of cringes at the thought. 

“God, I love pubs” her friend, Olly, screamed, as they entered the pub. YN scrunched her nose, how could someone in their right mind like pubs? She only went because of the cheap drinks and low music.

Once they reached her friends’s table, Olly introduced YN, who smiled awkwardly and waved with her hand.

After three drinks and a cigarette, YN was far more chatty than she’d been at the start of the night. She wouldn’t dare to say she liked Olly’s friends, but she was enjoying their company, until one of them pointed out to the song playing from the speakers. YN hadn’t even heard it over the sound of her voice and the alcohol making her feel dizzy.  

“I love this song. Harry Styles is so hot!” One of them said, smirking at the others and taking a gulp of her drink.

“Yeah” another one responded, “I’d totally fuck him if I’d got the chance”.

“I’m seeing him at Wembley this weekend, I hope he spots me in the crowd, I’m going to wear the sluttiest outfit just for him.” They all laughed at that, and the proceeded to go on with their conversation as if nothing happened. 

YN felt sick. She felt sick at the thought of other girls thinking about Harry that way. Her Harry. Which she had seen many times like that. She suddenly felt like her sweater was too tight around her neck. 

“I’m going for a smoke” she blurted out, getting up from the chair and walking towards the front door through a bunch of people that were standing in the middle of the pub chattering.

Once she stepped outside, she lit her cigarette and took a big inhale. Her head felt dizzy and her ears rang with the same words all over again: Harry, hot, slutty outfit. Harry with a girl who wasn’t her.

She brought a hand to her forehead to try and cool her burning skin off a bit, but nothing worked. The cigarette had made her even more dizzy than she was before and she stumbled on her feet as she tried to take big breaths of air. She shook her head as she felt the bitter taste of puke in her mouth.

She crunched on the ground and throw up everything she’d drank. 

After she felt like she was done, she called for an uber and texted Olly she wasn’t feeling okay and was going home.

When she got in bed that night, the sickening feeling burning at the pit of her stomach hadn’t subdued, and she feared it had nothing to do with the alcohol and everything to do with the realization that Harry was now free to see other people, and she’d made it that way.

(…)

It had been more than six months since she’d broken up with Harry, and they’d been apart more than they were together. 

Christmas was approaching and YN felt more miserable than ever. 

After what she pulled both nights at the pubs, neither Sarah or Olly called her again to hang out, and she was left all alone mending for her broken heart. She bought a lot of self help books but still couldn’t get herself to schedule a therapy appointment. 

She often wondered how he was doing. She thought about him at Tesco’s when she spotted his favorite — overpriced — salmon fillet he’d cook for both of them in her oven. She felt like crying and had to leave her cart right there and get out without buying anything feeling like a criminal as she passed before the cashier empty handed.

She’s thinking about him now as she’s shopping for Christmas decorations. She was thinking about him so hard she probably manifested him, because she sees him standing in line before her. He was wearing his bright pink beanie and a dark green coat, probably to not be recognized. But she could recognize that hideous beanie even in the dark.

“Hi” she said, her voice so tender she doesn’t even recognize it herself.

She watched as he turned around with his brows furrowed, a pout on his lips as he recognized her. “Hey”. He said.

“You alway forget to take a cart” she chuckled as she gestured to his hands full of stuff. She eyed what he was holding: it seemed everything you may need for a Christmas party. She felt her heart clench as she wondered if he was alone or maybe found someone to spend his Christmas with. 

He gave her a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and she feared he might turn around and end their conversation like that.

“Christmas party?” 

“Do you need something? Because I don’t really feel like talking.”

She looked at him buffered. She didn’t remember him this way. He was always so sweet and soft, he never sounded so harsh, not even when they fought or she disappeared for days.

“Umh I… I was wondering if you’d like to grab a cup of tea?” She really wasn’t sure what she was doing. She was nowhere near ready to face him, let alone talk to him. 

“I can’t right now.” 

She nodded, even though her smile fell. Okay, she thought, it’s fine. You’ll cry about it tonight.

“But I can tomorrow, if you want?” 

“Okay. Do you want to come over?” 

Harry nodded swiftly and proceeded to step ahead, tossing his stuff for the cashier to scan. 

When he was done, he muttered a small ‘see you tomorrow’ at her and hurried out of the store.

She was frozen in place when the customer behind her in line tapped on her shoulders lightly to signal her it was her turn. She nodded her head and went ahead. All she could think about was what the hell had gotten into her. 

(…)

YN and Harry were sitting on opposite sides of her couch the following afternoon, a cup of tea in both their hands. She took small sips of her drink every now and then, and she noticed Harry still hadn’t taken a single sip, the tea getting cold in the mug

“You don’t like earl grey anymore? It used to be your favorite” she muttered, looking at him.

Harry glanced down at his mug and then he looked to the side, avoiding her face. “No, I don’t anymore.” 

That wasn’t true. It was still his favorite, he just didn’t want her to feel like he hadn’t changed a single bit. He didn’t want her to think he was still the guy he were when they were dating, because he hadn’t felt like that in a long time.

“Oh, you could’ve told me. I have lots of flavors, would you like -“ 

“YN” he cut her off, looking at her sternly “cut the bullshit. Why am I here?”

She took a big breath and pointed her socked heels on the couch, shifting her bum closer to him and tucking her feet under his legs. She knew she was testing her luck, but she hadn’t been touched in so long. She was starving for him. 

“I missed you.” She muttered, leaning her chin on her knees to look at him better, even if he kept his gaze fixed on the window behind them.

“That’s not enough” he said, but he knew it was taking everything in him to not look inside her doe eyes, his hands holding the mug so tightly he feared he may break it. 

The six months ago Harry would’ve been fine with an ‘i miss you’, but she left him. For six months. She managed to stay away, not checking on him once, while he was so hurt some days he couldn’t get out of bed.

“Harry” she exhaled. Harry knew what she was doing. She was trying to get him to look at her, and it was almost working.

“No, don’t. Just-“ he shook his head, closing his eyes. He sighed and leaned forward to place his mug on the coffee table before the couch.

“I want to make things better between us” she whispered, suddenly feeling exposed when he looked at her with a questioning gaze.

“We’re not an us anymore.” 

“Harry, — she breathed out —  please” 

He shook his head again, but she leaned forward and took his face in her hands, turning him towards her.

Harry looked from one of her eyes to the other as he tried to read her as he’d done in the past. But he couldn’t. She seemed honest, she did. But what did she want? What did this mean? He didn’t have time to think about it, though, because despite the pain in his heart and the clenching of his stomach, she was before him, begging him. He’d imagined this sight so many times, and somehow the reality was even better than the fantasy. 

“Please” she repeated. She was so close Harry could feel her soft breaths fanning over his lips.

He brushed his nose against hers as he closed his eyes. Fuck it. He tried, he really did. He even lied about his tea preferences to make her mad, but that’s about how far he could seem to go.

He wanted her so bad he could feel the blood boil in his veins. He placed his hands on her waist and squeezed at the plushy skin there. Go on, he thought, ruin me all over again.

And she did. 

She leaned over and pressed her lips onto his. Her kiss wasn’t timid nor tender, it had a kind of bestiality to it that made Harry go feral. 

It was all clashing teeth and lip bites, and Harry took his time exploring her mouth with his tongue. She tasted like honey and chamomile tea, and Harry felt her sweetness go right through his body up until his brain, clouding it with her taste. 

She moved her hands from his cheeks down to his shoulders, caressing his neck in her way, her fingers digging into his skin, exploring him. She wanted to take his shirt off and count every mole and freckle on his skin to see if they changed in those six months they’d been apart.

Harry hooked his hand on the back of her knee and placed her leg across his body, so that she was straddling his lap.

He moved from her mouth to her neck, pressing her harder onto him, his fingers digging in the flesh of her tights.

She let out a strangled sigh when he sucked on the spot behind her ear and she could feel her heart beat in her ears, thumping loudly against her rib cage. She wondered if he could feel it too.

She moaned once she felt his cock grow harder beneath her, tossing her head back, which gave Harry more access to the skin of her neck. He kissed all over her while she ground her hips harder against him. 

“Just like that baby” Harry breathed out against her skin, kissing over her naked shoulder. The oversized shirt she was wearing and fallen a little, exposing more of her tender skin to him.

“Harry, please” she fastened her pace once she felt herself get closer, her clothed clit brushing against his cock and sending a shock through her body every time she pressed on it. 

Her panties were wet with her arousal and she felt them sticking against her pussy, adding even more pressure to her clit. She couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much. His kisses were overwhelming, his lips leaving wet kisses on her skin as his hands guided her hips. 

She felt lightheaded once she reached her orgasm, coming with a moan she muffled against his shoulder. She let herself fall over his body as Harry guided her through her orgasms.

When the pressure became too much and she was too sensitive to keep going, she opened her mouth: “Harry, too much”.

He nodded, squeezing her hips once again as he stopped moving her, he then placed a kiss on her hair line as she stabilized her breath.

“You owe me an explanation.” He said after a while.  

“Don’t ruin this.” 

“Fuck, you still haven’t changed, have you? All that time and you’re still-“ Harry shook his head as he pulled her off of her lap, getting up and grabbing his coat from the lounge chair across the couch she was sitting on.

She felt dizzy as she watched him get ready to leave once again.     

“You don’t understand. I-“ 

“No! You don’t understand! How could you do this to me? I loved you.” 

“I know, Harry, I just-“ she shook her head, pressing the palms of her hands against her eyes.

“What? You what? Did you even love me?” 

She wanted to tell him that she did, she still does, but what good could it do? She’d hurt him so much already, she didn’t want to ruin him any more than she already did. 

But she was hurting too. She had been miserable all those months without him. 

“You’re unbelievable.” Harry shook his head and walked towards her door, shutting it behind him with a sound that sounded very much like the one she’d heard when she was six.

She took a big sigh and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. She had to remind herself she wasn’t six years old anymore. She had finally found a guy that made her comfortable and safe, and she let him go. Because she didn’t feel enough for him. But all she was left with was thinking what is enough? And what defines it? 

(…)

“YN, are you sure about this?” Sarah looked at her skeptically, sighing to herself. Sarah thought this was a bad idea; she was only going to make a fool out of herself. She still decided to help her, though. Because despite the embarrassment, it was romantic, and Sarah loved romantic gestures.

“Yes, yes! I’m sure.” She smiles, a little too confidently for Sarah’s liking, “I’m positive Love Actually is still his favorite movie.”

Sarah nodded okay with her head and YN rang the doorbell. She knew Harry was home, because he was supposed to have that dinner party with his friends (Sarah told her), and she waited for him to open the door with a bunch of white signs tucked under her arm.

Mitch opened the door instead, and looked at the both of them funnily, “What’s going on?” 

“Mitch” Sarah rolled her eyes, “could you just get Harry?” 

They watched as he nodded and walked back inside, leaving the door open after him. YN could see from her place that Harry had decorated for Christmas and he even hung up the decorations they crafted together the prior year. She felt her insides warm.

“Okay” she said after a while, when no one was coming back and she started to feel stupid, “maybe I’m not so sure. Abort missi-“ 

“What the hell is going on?” She heard Harry’s voice as she was turning back on her steps, and she feels Sarah nudging her shoulder with her hand.

She nodded to herself and told Sarah to press play, ‘Jingle bells’ blasting through the phone her friend hold in her hands, cupping one of them over the speakers so the sound could be amplified.

“Harry” Harry read in his head the signs she held before him, “i’m sorry.”

“I think you’re pretty amazing.”

“And kind”

“And gorgeous” YN stopped herself for a moment and Harry nodded, signaling her that he was reading and she could keep going. 

“I was scared”

“Of the love I felt for you” Harry frowned at that.

“I’m not good at relationships.”

“But I promise I’ll love you”

“Even when you’ll look like this”

Harry laughed out loud when she showed him the next sign and it was a photoshopped picture of him bald.

“Forgive me?” 

YN felt proud of herself for going through with that, and she looked over at Sarah, that gave her a thumbs up before excusing herself and going inside to leave them space to figure things out.

She felt like she needed a big glass of wine now, though, because she really couldn't understand what Harry was thinking and she feared her little plan hadn’t worked and she’d have to ride the metro back to her flat holding a bunch of signs while she cried her eyes out.

“Let’s talk, yes? You’ll be honest with me?” 

She nodded. 

(…)

YN looks outside the window as she hums to the notes of Last Christmas by wham! playing from Harry’s Christmas playlist. She can feel his hand on her thigh, and he’s stroking her skin with his pinky finger.

“Don’t be nervous.” He says once they reach a red light, he shifts in his seat to look at her and she does the same, “they’ll love you.”

She nods at his words. She’s trying to be better. A better girlfriend, a better friend, a better everything. That’s why she agreed to meet Harry’s family, despite him asking scared the shit out of her. 

Her worries didn’t leave overnight, she was still scared he’d leave like her father did, but Harry helped her book a therapy appointment and they talked through everything, and she found out six years old Harry lived a similar situation to six years old her, and that seemed to put her at ease a bit. Because she guesses he’d know how that felt and he wouldn’t dare do it to someone he loves. Harry, too, had waited for his father at the door to come back, he waited years for him to acknowledge him, to see him. But, contrary to her, when he realized he wasn’t coming back, he moved from the door and never looked back.

She was so self centered on her pain she hadn’t realized Harry was hurting in his own way, and him being tender hearted wasn’t despite, but was because everything he went through. 

And she had cried as he told her the full story. Harry felt like he could finally understand her, because he too understood what looking for softness and never finding it meant. But he told her she was looking in all the wrong places and that made her laugh a little.

When she told him she felt like she wasn’t enough for him, they were on his couch and they’d just eaten the salmon Harry liked so much. He held her so tight she stopped shaking, and she grasped his shoulders to feel him even closer. 

“You deserve to feel loved, okay?” And he had such a way of talking she believed him. Just like that. All it took was that and she felt so stupid for not telling him sooner.

It used to feel so embarrassing to her the way she’d want him. They way she longed for his lips, the way she knew the moles on his face by heart. She felt embarrassed. She hated calling him at night and begging him to come over and just hold her. She hated how soft he made her. How vulnerable he could get her; she felt like a raw wound that never healed, that he’d scratch every now and then with his nails. But she found in feeling vulnerable and invincible strength.

She felt so embarrassed those two times she cried at the pub, she couldn’t get herself to walk past them for weeks. And for what? She was embarrassed because she was vulnerable? So what? She was human. And she was being brave. By loving Harry she was being brave, and that wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about.

She really can’t remember what she was so worried about, because with Harry everything hit different and everything was worth it. 

[bullet-clubs-bitch]

Birthday Blues

Chuck Taylor X fem reader Main Masterlist

Summary: With Best Friend’s spitting up Chuck finds himself alone on his birthday, or so he thinks.

An: You know I had to write a little something something for his special day

This morning I woke up with dozens of text messages from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday. But no matter how many texts I got they didn’t make up for the fact my ‘best friend’ didn’t wish me a happy birthday. Trent and I had been friends forever. We grew up in the industry together, we did everything together. He was my best friend! I don’t know what got into Trent recently but I didn’t like it. I didn’t understand the reason for his actions. Sure neither of us has held gold in quite some time but we should be happy for our friends. Kris and Orange were doing amazing things, we should be celebrating with them not wishing for their downfall. 

It didn’t even feel like my birthday, all I wanted to do was rot in my hotel room. Last night Trent gave me an ultimatum. It was him or Orange. How could I pick between the two of them? Sure I’ve known Trent for longer and the two of us shared so much more but no way I would pick between my two best friends! I ignored all of Kris and Orange’s calls and texts. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I wanted to be alone. I was never one for birthdays, I never felt worthy of the celebrations. Why should you all be celebrating me? I’m not special. I didn’t mind spending my birthday alone. In fact, I preferred it over spending it with my family. Every time I went back home everyone would ask about my dating life. Are you seeing anyone Chucky? When are you going to settle down? Your time is running up to have children, let me set you up with a nice girl Chuck. I wanted to pull my hair out at the comments. 

I didn’t want to date anyone. I hadn’t been in love for a long time. Even when I was of course I fucked it all up. I was okay with being alone. Just as I was busy sulking in my hotel room I heard someone aggressively knocking on my door. I yelled at them to go away but instead, they began knocking even louder. I flung open the door ready to scream at whoever was on the other side but stopped right in my tracks when I saw who it was. It was Y/n. I hadn’t seen her in years. 

“A little clementine told me you wanted to spend your birthday alone,” Said Y/n. As much as I was mad Orange somehow got my ex-girlfriend to pull me out of my depressive state I was also happy to see Y/n again. “Tell me Chuck, what’s got you so blue?” Y/n asked as she let herself into my hotel room. “I just don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to pick between my best friends? I don’t want to choose between them!” I confessed. “I know you are under a lot of stress right now Chuck. I get it, I do but that doesn’t mean you should spend your birthday feeling sorry for yourself. Birthdays are supposed to be fun! It’s the one day you can put yourself first and no one can say anything about it” Y/n had a point, all of this was making me look more pathetic. Trent said it himself, I was weak. “How about you and I go out for the day? We can do whatever you like Chuck. There are lots of things to do in the city! It’s your day to be spoiled!” Just before I could protest Y/n cut me off “Before you say anything yes Chuck you do deserve this. No Chuck, you are not pathetic. You have to stop being so hard on yourself Chucky, you deserve nothing but the best. I wish you could have seen that when we were together” Her words left a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth. As much as I appreciated her praise it reminded me of when the two of us used to date years ago. Y/n ended up breaking up with me due to my lack of self-confidence. I know that sounded stupid but it was a real thing. I was constantly shitting on myself, I was always so down. I’m sure that’s difficult to be around. 

I ended up caving and took Y/n’s offer to spend the day celebrating myself. However, I didn’t expect her to say this. “We can do anything you want today Chuck, who knows maybe I’ll stay the night” Best birthday ever!