#his design is huge on the whole 'spiritual journey' thing so it works out

[inavagrant-a]

My little nerdy mecha loving heart was over the moon when they gave Scaramouche his own mecha and how it devastates me that it was just a temporary thing and, in the bigger picture, not something good for him so getting rid of it was a must.

However.... ..I want my son to have something like that again so I will thin k up some sort of headcanon because he deserves it.

[batsplat]

btw at le mans 2013 some vale fans had a huge (cringey ofc) banner which went like

yzr-m1: someday my prince will come

vale badly photoshoped as a prince: sorry babe

here’s how we can tie this to rgu and the whole prince&princess theme

also remember how in rgu the movie utena turns into a car and all? well what if valentino had some weird (vaguely erotic) dreams in that vein…….

(x, x) kermit at that poster not at the ask, to be clear!! weird ass sport

anyway, let's talk more about how to apply surrealist anime rgu to motogp! and yes, again, we are kinda stripping rgu from a lot of the stuff it was Actually About, but y'know on the other hand it'd also be flattening that particular artwork if your stance is that the 'only' things the story is relevant to is like. cycles of abuse. structural patriarchy. on-screen depictions of sibling relationships designed to make you extremely uncomfortable. all that stuff. so we are taking it as read for the rest of this post that rgu deals with more serious stuff than competitive sports and work from there

the car stuff!! anthy's prince literally turns into a vehicle to allow her to escape! it ends with both of them like... intertwined on the remaining husk of that vehicle, riding off into freedom. also the car looks cool

this isn't super relevant, I was just thinking about how much fun they made that car. like they made sidepod-wings into horsies. eat your heart out, ducati

now, in the film this is basically a metaphor for growing up, right. anthy is finally breaking out of the school and embracing her revolution by quite literally freeing herself from the prison she had both been entrapped in and had continued to entrap herself in. and isn't that... isn't that basically what valentino is doing when he's leaving honda for yamaha. well, no, obviously it's nothing like that. but say that it was like that, and that essentially this is the process of growing up, coming of age, growing into his own or whatever you want to call it. self-actualisation. a spiritual journey to a different bike manufacturer. valentino does think he's like... imprisoned in honda, it's his whole theme that year, he does a cute callback when he's won the title. brno 2003 is both the prisoner celebration and where he signs for yamaha, like he's not really being subtle about this. and the only way he can fully become himself is standing on his own two feet, thrive or fail, at yamaha. because now he's no longer following the path that's been set out for him. honda was comfortable in many ways, it was a very pretty prison - even if he felt underappreciated, he was still the golden boy at The Most Successful Manufacturer, he'd inherited doohan's team, he was building up a dynasty of his own. he was leaving behind basically... a completely guaranteed title for 2004 and most likely years beyond that for something far less secure

there is a kinda. obvious point here. and it's that according to this framing, valentino is implicitly being cast in the role of the princess. and the bike is the prince, who is being ridden to safety. which fits into the idea that there's like,, a deeply possessive element, of the bike towards the rider, and that's basically the key prince trait beyond lip service commitment to 'nobility'. I think that does kinda... work, not just because the contrast with the expected gender roles makes it more interesting, but also because 'seeing a vehicle as a symbol of liberation' inherently feels like a very valentino thing. the thing about anthy is that it's always a bit unclear how much power she has over what's happening, but when you rewatch the show enough times you do increasingly go 'huh has she been psychologically tormenting all of these characters for over thirty episodes as a diversion from the horrors of existence'. and the film very much then becomes... her version of events, if you will, where her brother the devil (that guy sure keeps cropping up in these asks) has become this defanged parody of himself,, and it really becomes more about her using utena to make the final step. or something!! obviously this is only one interpretation etc etc. but idk I think there's a fun element of this dual role of 'princess' and 'witch' where you've got a character who increasingly exerts autonomy over their own narrative and plays god a little bit and can also force other characters into slightly sadistic mini-arcs where they get turned into cows and who eventually brute forces their own vision on the world. because they do have power, and they are the instigator of the entire plot

so. so. I think one of my favourite things about valentino is... okay, so I don't actually really like when athletes are that good. with both valentino and marc, I have a very begrudging attitude towards just how successful they are, because that level of dominance is extremely 'meh' to me as a sports fan. they're really the exception here as far as I'm concerned, I'm very tenuously okay with their title count but it is also A Bit Much. but the thing about valentino, right, is that he mostly gets around that bit of my brain by also seemingly have a bit of an issue with dominance. the way he progressed through the ranks to the premier class is like,, nowadays, doesn't even stand out as notable because that's Just How Feeder Series Work, but back then it wasn't as guaranteed because they weren't feeder series!! it's not necessarily like clearing a level... you can just stick around to win more than one of these titles, and valentino was seriously considering doing as much but decided to move up anyway. I think there's something fun about how he kinda needs a certain difficulty level to get his brain into it. he's flirting with depression after 2002, writing in his autobiography about how AWFUL it is that winning isn't FUN any more, does his insane little yamaha switch which somehow worked out for him, got really into his f1 flirtations until quite literally when he starts losing again... he needs a bit of drama, he needs enemies, he needs MEANING!! I think inherently he's very suited to any role that casts him as a quasi-malicious storyteller, especially one that's searching for like,, some kind of Growth and progression. and also playthings. which then regularly feeds into a set of callous behaviours towards The Competition when it's seen as necessary. or just satisfying

the way this works when you. y'know. personify the bike into the prince,, is that inherently the prince's pov on this is also quite selfish, right, like it's a saviour complex and thinking you are The One who can claim the princess as your own. the prince can keep the princess safe... who can be used by the princess/witch as a tool to bring about world revolution, and so on. the prince attempts to control the princess, and the princess is devoted to the prince. and also, they can make each other worse!! it's kind of... eventually as a duo they can become so dedicated to this sick game they're playing that basically any act is excusable as long as it helps them win. anyway crucially I do think if you did a surrealism on valentino's brain, some blue haired girl personification of the m1 rocking up to save him from his shackles and allow him to finally attain revolution by turning into a vehicle and literally carrying him to safety... does sound about right, yeah. weird erotic bike fantasies and all

[skyhopedango]

Episode 12! The end! Oh no! ;_; )

I hate it so much that it has to end... At least it got a pretty good ending - a surprisingly good one, actually - with most plot lines wrapped up neatly. Also, I may or may not have teared up at some points. Or even right now. Daaamn this stupid franchise making me so emotionally invested. GAH.

Anyway, the rundown... as soon as I find another package of tissues...

Story makes short work of Boss Man courtesy of Kimie, we knew this was coming, no point on wasting time on it. Bye Boss Man. It was funny though that after a huge psychic superpower fight he went out by getting shot in the back. :D

BABY BROTHERS ARE CRYING, HURRY UP AND SAVE THEM!

I suppose this is where knowledge of the original comes in handy, because I think during Naoto & Takuya's journey to their brothers we were supposed to learn about how the Kiriharas ended up where they did, but well, I guess there's a limit of how much you can pack into 23 minutes. So let's just say that even in childhood Naoto & Naoya had it far worse than their counterparts... having had their powers awakened from birth (as opposed to the Kurokis, it seems), and all the shit that came with that. Plus even after being taken away from their parents, the Kurokis grew up having friends and whatnot, while the Kiriharas had like... Mikuriya. In the original at least there were some other people around in the lab, but in 2041 it doesn't seem like there was anyone, really, other than Mikuriya, so all the boys had was him, and each other.

THIS WHOLE SCENE IN THE SPIRITUAL ENERGY BEAM OR WHATEVER. SO PRETTY. ;_; )

And OH DAMN, so the Kurokis are basically the Kiriharas' reincarnations! HOLY SHIT. I'd been expecting like something since Misaki mentioned Akiko having been reincarnated (and at this point I have a pretty good guess who is her reincarnation... ....c'mon it's Kimie, it's got to be Kimie! and why that didn't create a paradox, well, that's because-- LOOK OVER THERE!!!)

Oh, so that was the symbolism with the game they'd been playing. Ooohh. I like that. Also: observe the Ark behind Naoto on that shot. Nice.

AAHH NAOTO IS SMILING, HE'S GENUINELY SMILING!

I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING

AHAHAHA lol Takuya surprise hugging Naoto, and Naoto giving "omg what to do, I'm too emotionally repressed for this" vibes. :D Also, Naoya doesn't get a hug. Takuya may be dumb but he's not that dumb.

Naoto. OH NAOTO. OH MY HEART. Don't feel guilty Naoto, you've done all you could. I mean he's just a guy, really, and especially 2041's Naoto is a lot more sensitive and has way less of an edge than the Naoto in the original. That one was more pragmatic, even if he hated himself being able and willing to do things like killing people even if it was to protect Naoya. This Naoto is different - he's less hardened, more gentle, and also different in how he processes his feelings, he represses them more but I guess angsts over them harder.

And oh poor Naoto, he didn't get a hug. Again. :D;; Doesn't matter, it was such a lovely scene.

Also, who's been cutting onions here for the past ten minutes?! I'm running out of tissues!...

OH NO, the Kurokis' parents?! Oh my god don't do this to me, show...

AAAAAAAH............

Blah blah Kimie, blah blah of course they weren't going to do it, and that didn't happen, and OH DAMN, NAOTO & NAOYA

SO YUUYA'S VISION WAS RIGHT, BUT ALSO NOT CORRECT - THEY BASICALLY WENT BACK AND FIXED EVERYTHING - okay baby Kuroki brothers still had been taken away but that had to be done, and the parents remember and they're reunited, and--

FFS NOT THE ONIONS AGAIN, I'M ALL OUT OF TISSUES ;_; )

Alright, so I guess this is another part where knowing the original puts it all in a slightly different context. Because this whole thing with the parents is exactly the same (minus the Kimie thing) that happens with the Kiriharas in the original, but with a very different outcome. In the original Naoto & Naoya finally manage to track down their parents who run a clock shop, but find that their memories had been meddled with and they don't remember them... and then they can't even get a peaceful farewell, because the villain fucks up the whole thing for the lulz, and it's kind of heartbreaking.

Here, they basically fixed everything - so that the Kurokis don't have to suffer all that shit that they had to go through, from having to live isolated in the lab and growing up suffering from difficult to control powers to having their parents taken away from them forever.

Oh man. Naoto & Naoya are just so awesome. ;_; )

And so they go... to another dimension? to the Awesome Spiritual Place? just disappearing into the spirit universe like Shouko? At least wherever they go now they'll be together...

........please stand by until I finish being overly emotional over the silly woo brocon show........

So anyway, in the end basically Takuya & Yuuya become that world's Naoto & Naoya, doing pretty much the same thing as those two did in the original, being the small change that gets things rolling toward the Awakening - hell, Kimie even called them Saviors, that was Naoya's designation in the original (with Naoto as his protector/knight). Except well, the Kurokis are a ton more well-adjusted, especially at this point in the story. Aside of having a better understanding of everything, better control of their powers and not having the whole world out to get them, at least not seriously at this point- they even have their parents back! Lucky bastards.

The end. *sniffle*

Oh boy. What can I say? The existence of this show has taken me by completely surprise, being a reboot of an old niche franchise I'd fallen in love with and didn't expect seeing anything new for ever again. And y'know, my expectations were loooooooow because the previous anime was, as I'd mentioned a few times before, bad, like, actually really bad.

And then Night Head 2041 turned out to be - actually really good! It had just the right touches, with the animation (surprisingly good and detailed!) and just the visuals in general, and the characters! I love this Naoto and Naoya, from their design to their characterization that is similar but yet still different from the original but in ways that work so well! And I grew to like the Kurokis a lot, too, also Takuya is so pretty it's just not fair! Although the Kiriharas are always going to be the best. Also, I really want Kimie's leggings even though I could never wear them.

And I mean OK, I'm clearly biased, but even with my fangirl glasses off this was a perfectly alright show. And for a fangirl like me, oh... where do I even start. I won't even start, really, it's like half past midnight over here and I'm still running on an emotional high. Will post moe tomorrow because if I tried now I'd just post the whole damn thing.

I know there's still the manga adaptation of 2041 that's going to go on for a while still (and the novelization that I'll read now) but I'm going to miss this show so much. Thank you for everyone involved in it! You made my summer and early autumn, and pretty much my 2021 so far. Bye, Kirihara Naoto & Naoya...

[thebigladjake]

AX3001: Oddyssey - TV Show Research and Development: Giygas and the Intrigue of having an unexplainable villain

When it came to making a TV Show, I always had an idea for an Earthbound spiritual successor since 2018 and over this last Summer when we were briefed to make three TV Shows. I had to really think about what ideas I wanted to do. However, during my downtime, I suddenly remembered one specific thing about my Earthbound experience...

Giygas

The Embodiment of Evil, the Universal Cosmic Destroyer or the Almighty Idiot according to who you ask, Giygas is the main antagonist of Earthbound and appropriately serves as the game’s final boss before your adventure comes to a close. Granted, him being the very last thing you fight leads to you leaving with that boss fresh on your mind. But, I hadn’t played Earthbound for a few years... And Giygas just suddenly popped into my head. And a lot of the questions were “Why is he like this? This cute and friendly game has a boss that looks like a nightmare?” I was absolutely fascinated by this boss and it led to my second playthrough of the game.

Onett, the start of the Adventure

This is the hometown of our main character, Ness and effectively our window into the world of this game. We see the town he lives in, it’s so bright and colourful with all the town essentials! A burger shop, a town hall, an arcade, hospital, police station and library, it’s familiar to us as our hometowns most likely have similar locations. The vibrant colours of all the buildings is eye-catching and welcoming! 

The music is also worth noting as it’s very peppy and upbeat, it feels like the theme of a small town with a nice community. Most of the music follows this formula.

Most of the towns in the game follow this design and it does feel like you’re exploring more and more of the world, like you’ve ventured further than you have ever gone before and you’re not going to stop because this world is so interesting and welcoming!

Some towns deviate from the formula, but the good people in the towns help to established the same welcoming energy that we’re used to.

Now, let’s take a look at the final map before Giygas’ lair...

The Cave of the Past, the end of the Adventure

Complete contrast to what has been established this entire game. There are absolutely no colours, there are no buildings, no operations of Giygas’ in the background. It’s just a path to the end of the journey and it’s so simple... But, it’s super effective! The lack of colour helps to make it feel otherworldly, makes it feel alien to the world that you’re used to and that’s exactly what Giygas is, he’s not from the world. 

Even our main cast of heroes could not be transported back in time without being transferred into robot bodies, all of their colour is gone too. All except Ness’ hat, showing a small bit of colour almost as if it’s that one bit of hope of beating Giygas.

At the end of games, usually going to the final boss’ lair will be some huge event where you see all of their plans, what they’ve built over time and will be accompanied by some epic score. Earthbound does things differently.

Just give that a listen, it’s a eerie, droning piece that doesn’t sound like a great confrontation theme. It sounds like ambience more than a score to me and I think that makes it scarier, like you are in the positions of the kids who are probably incredibly scared of what they are going to have to face once inside that cave. It’s so incredible and it’s a sample of the Beach Boys song, ‘Deirdre’.

It’s the opening note and I find it amazing how a single sample can do so much! There is another Earthbound track that I will link here which features a sample of the trumpet in the intro of the Beatles song, ‘All you need is Love’ and again, it sets up so much with just a tiny little sample.

This is used just before going to the Cave of the Past, instead being the Cave of the Present. It’s technically just two notes with a reverb, but the sample adds so much and it just feels uncomfortable. However, we don’t need to talk about this for long, let’s go right to Giygas’ lair!

Giygas Lair, the true contrast to Earthbound’s style!

I apologise for the size of the image, but it’s pretty much a straight path but LOOK AT THIS! A trail of organs and entrails twisting and turning through this dark void until you find this uncanny monstrosity of a machine made of the same organic material you were walking on. This. This is what made me come back, it’s such a disturbing idea. 

This is open to interpretation, but the way caves are represented in Earthbound is to only make sprites of the ground and walls. All the stuff you can’t see is black, just like how a cave should be. Giygas’ lair has this same motif, but there doesn’t really appear to be any walls around. So depending on your view, they’re either walking through a tunnel or entrails or walking through the void as previously stated. Personally, I think both are terrifically terrifying but I definitely see the void more.

The organs pulse as you walk up them, the only noise complimenting the atmosphere is the clanking of robo-feet and the breathing of Giygas which is what I feel gives it the whole void feeling. It’s so unnerving that this is the final confrontation, but the fact that it is actually puts us in Ness and his friends shoes.

Getting to the Machine causes everything to stop, the ambience vanishes. Giygas’ intro music plays as the Machine changes to show the robots a picture of Ness’ face. Ness was prophesied to be the one who brings down Giygas and the first thing we see from the Machine is Ness, already suggesting to us that Giygas knows that we’re here...

Pokey, Ness’ childhood friend and eventual enemy over the course of the game, descends in a Spider Mech and just like that the Final Battle is about to begin!

The Final Fight

Of course, the final boss begins with Pokey standing before you with Giygas’ number one thought right now... Ness is here and he’s come to defeat me. This is a pretty standard affair for a boss, only Pokey can be harmed and he is much more a threat in this Spider Mech than he was previously in battle. 

Giygas has a shield that is impervious to any kind of physical or psychic attacks and cannot be destroyed or disabled. He attacks using the special power that only Ness knows ‘PSI Rockin’’. His shield will always reflect your shots back at the character who attacks him and even when they have shield themselves, they will get hit regardless. The Machine is what keeps Giygas stable and alive, making him completely invincible...

However... He has one big idiot on his side...

Pokey can be damaged and the strategy of the fight is to focus on him and avoid any attacks that hit the both of them. Pokey, like the main cast, is a kid and he’s incredibly immature. So as soon as his mech is defeated, he taunts the main gang and turns off the Devil’s Machine... The one thing preventing Giygas’ defeat...

Giygas Released

Once released, Pokey explains that Giygas isn’t even himself anymore. He became so powerful that his body was destroyed and had to be contained into a machine in order to maintain some sort of grasp on his thoughts. Without that machine, the four heroes are taken into a dimension of Giygas’ thoughts and since we play as Ness we hear his thoughts directed towards us the player.

He reaches out with such thoughts as repeating Ness’ (The player’s) name, saying “I feel... Sad.” or “It feels good.” and added upon these thoughts Giygas’ attacks cannot be comprehended by our characters. It really helps to add a sense of hopelessness because we have no idea what is truly going on and we can’t fight what we don’t know. 

An Unconventional Resolution

Attacks don’t work, defending won’t work either, you can’t heal or save yourself. All hopes seem lost until you notice a certain act that Paula can do. Pray.

When Paula prays, she reaches out to the world she left behind and the folks that are waiting for their return get the feeling that something bad is happening. So, they too pray from the bottom of their hearts...

https://youtu.be/cptFVD3eTEs?start=320&end=374

If you watch the small clip above, once he feels the support from the Earth. The sound cue to signify that Giygas has been damaged and that Giygas is not okay.

Onward to his next form.

Now I would like you to take a close look at this image, I’ve asked a few people about this and sometimes they get it without me saying anything and others don’t. So, just take a moment to find an image amongst the Giygas’.

Got it or have you given up? In the realm of Giygas, here in the black void is a pretty damn distinct shape of a baby. And this is what fascinated me about Giygas, there is a theory that this is symbolism for abortion as you go back in time to kill Giygas but that theory has been disproven by Shigesato Itoi, the game’s creator. There’s evidence that goes against this theory anyway, but this fetus imagery always stuck out to me. 

It’s said to be a coincidence that the Super Nintendo generated these sprites and in this pattern. But, it’s such a definite shape of a baby and I find it absolutely mental that it’s just a coincidence. And that curiosity is what brought me back to Earthbound, just this happy go lucky game where you make friends with a little monkey that chews bubblegum, make friends with a man who converts himself into a huge dungeon man and at the very end, you’re faced with this. 

It’s not only impactful imagewise, but storywise it’s just as impactful for the opposite reasons. As Giygas can now be damaged by feeling the love and support coming from the friends Ness has made across the world. Each time Giygas is hit, it gets worse, but the moment he really breaks down is when Ness’ Mother wakes up in the middle of the night and rushes downstairs with Ness’ little sister and their dog. They all feel uneasy and begin to pray for the safety of Ness and his friends.

https://youtu.be/cptFVD3eTEs?start=702&end=738

This is the moment Giygas truly breaks down, feeling the support of a loving Mother looking out for her son is a feeling he had long since buried. It’s about time I talk about the backstory of Giygas, while it’s not touched upon in Earthbound/Mother 2, in Earthbound Beginnings/Mother we see Giygas as an alien and we learn about how he came to be.

Giygas and Trauma

Giygas was an alien that was raised by Maria and George, a couple that was abducted by the other members of Giygas’ race. Maria adopted Giygas and looked after him while George studied their powers without their approval and eventually escaped with this knowledge, never being seen again. Once Giygas grows up, he was instructed to ensure that no human is capable of using PSI powers and not wanting to betray the people who raised him, he forcefully detached himself from Maria to prepare for the invasion.

Maria was sent back to Earth, but with amnesia and once the Eight Melodies are obtained, she regains her memory and explains that it was a song she used to sing to Giygas when he was young. This is very important.

Giygas’ first attempt to take over the world. He comes down, looking upon the gang and the battle begins. Starting the trend of Mother/Earthbound games having a unusual way of defeating the final boss. This time, the group begins to sing the Eight Melodies which brings up emotions in Giygas that he thought he had long since repressed or even got over. Giygas has a complete mental breakdown and recalls his forces, swearing revenge on the planet and that he will return.

In Earthbound, Giygas has worked on himself and made sure that what brought him down before cannot bring him down again. However, he didn’t do enough since the feeling of a loving Mother reaching out to her son in his time of need still hurts him severely and it’s at this point where Giygas can hardly do anything. His sprite starts contorting, the colours shift and the audio turns into a droning whirring noise.

Ness’ Mothers love is one thing, but it’s not enough. Giygas is wounded, but he is still fighting. Paula keeps praying for one more person and with a few more attempts, that person is you. There’s a moment in the game where the fourth wall is broken and asks you to enter your name. It can even be your full name, my name is pretty long and my name fits into it perfectly. It’s emotionally engaging since it includes you and you feel like in a way you are defeating him rather than Giygas being defeated by the world of the game. 

https://youtu.be/cptFVD3eTEs?start=838&end=938

After this Giygas loses control, the whirring increases, his sprite distorts further to the point where he is unrecognisable, the visuals cutting in with static occassionally. Static that appears at the very beginning of the game, suggesting the approach of Giygas and showing pictures of the invasion, and at the end of the game it suggest that he’s retreating, he’s getting out of reach and eventually he is gone.

And after all of that craziness, the robots are outside of Giygas’ lair. Everything is quiet, “The War against Giygas is over.”

What was Shigesato Itoi thinking?

Shigesato Itoi drew inspiration from an event of his childhood, where he had walked into the wrong screen at the theatre. He walked in on a murder scene which as a kid he mistook for a rape scene which had such a potent effect on him. He drew inspiration from it for Giygas’ final battle and some of the things Giygas says. 

In an interview, Itoi claims that there was a scene where a guy grabbed a woman’s breast which distorted it into a ball shape. He said “It all hit me really hard. It was a direct attack on my brain.” despite the fact that this doesn’t actually happen in the movie, which Itoi admits that his memories are a little fuzzy. It’s probably because it all happened so fast and his child brain may have created false memories or just failed to understand it. Itoi also goes onto say, "this sense of terror having atrocity and eroticism side-by-side, and that’s what Giygas's lines at the end are. During the end, he says, “It hurts,” right? That's... her breast. It’s like, how do I put it, a “living-being” sensation." and the purpose of the scene is to get the player’s mind working.

Another interesting part of this interview is when Itoi talks about typical villains and says this, “Well, you know, having a villain there who simply goes, “Wahahaha!” and the like would clearly be bad. But, actually, when I think about it, having villains go, “Wahahaha!” is a really intriguing pattern. But there’s no point in wondering all by yourself for days on end what it means for a bad guy to go, “Wahahaha!” at the climax of a game, you know? I get the feeling that there aren’t many people in the game industry who would do that sort of thing, though.” Which is something important to consider, Earthbound is such a colourful game bursting with personality, so having it end with just a standard final boss affair probably wouldn’t feel satisfying.

What the Earthbound/Mother series taught me about final confrontations?

Giygas’ character and what it taught me that even “Universal Cosmic Destroyers” can have trauma that they are trying to avoid and bury. It humanises them in a way and it can make the final confrontation that more powerful as it’s a problem we can all relate to. They’re not all evil for the sake of being evil, sometimes they don’t have a choice. 

I think this is a good thing to take on board and I have already begun planning on my main antagonist’s motivations on Oddyssey. It might be changed since it’s a sensitive topic for me right now, but these motivations won’t be brought up in Season 1 anyway

[saoirsecloud]

𝙋𝙧𝙤𝙡𝙤𝙜𝙪𝙚

What lies ahead of me is a really beautiful future. In the midst of stumbling upon that journey, there are stop overs, or should we call them, oppurtunities-- And I wasted most of it because of a young man.

A bachelor whom I poured most of the love I can give taught me a lot, he is the reason why I changed in so many ways. From the way I dress and speak, to my sudden change of behavior. Some say, It became better and for some, it's a wrong motive.

For a young damsel like me, it is beyond natural for my emotions to take over and control my entire being. Sometimes I liked it better once the fervency invades, t'was sort of funny. It's funny how things become so different when all my actions aren't decided or thinked of. I just let myself flow in my own river of interpretation-of-how-things-work.

We can't deny the fact that we've always aim for someone. Isn't it envious how Juliet had Romeo? How Rose had Jack? How Maria Clara had Crisostomo Ibarra?— even if tragic, but has the most beautiful story? And we are suckers for that, we wanted to feel it so bad, so bad that we'd force it.

And love isn't something we should force, we wait for it.

I read a verse in a certain post somewhere in Facebook, "Love never fails, it if fails it isn't love."

That hit me.

Our misconception about love is a huge cataract in our eyes in reality. I couldn't recall how many times it was mentioned in church or how elders would say it, but infatuation is never an act of love. It is a strong, deceitful, and an actual silent-killer. My enthusiasm is greater than the logical parts. I gave so much effort and affection, even the ones for myself is gone just to give it to him, hoping for a payback that never happened. I thought, if I give so much love I'd recieve the same. And the moment I expect, the more it never happens. The deception ruled and so is grieve.

We always foresee our lives positively and how it blooms like a dahlia with a certain person. And 24/7 we create almost impossible scenarios in our head, for example : our future is going to be way better if it's shared with them; We couldn't bear the thought of that person being with someone else, it kills us.

Apparantly, time is always against us and the universe seems to be playing with our hearts. It has also came to a point where we ask God "I prayed for this person and I knew that you gave him to me. But why did you took him away?"

I can almost feel the discomfort slaping my face for encountering some-people-enter-our-lives-to-simply-teach-us-a-lesson for the nth time, but that is true.

Thinking of how we met still gives me the magical vibe. What happened to us was always compared to magic, but it was a dream come true and an answered prayer.

➷

Us... The genesis of us began with a glance.

Boredom? I don't think so. My young heart who recently went over a little heartbreak over a little crush longs for healing that I even prayed at a random moment, "Lord, I learned so much from what happened. I am so sorry for attempting death, for I was confused and doesn't know what to do. It's been months, and I haven't moved on over him. I pray, for a person to get him out of my mind. Amen."

Gazing upon the ocean of people before me, if I was given the objective of finding an exact person, I'd fail. But who would have thought my eyes would land at the sight of yours?

I'm not into events that involves lots of people, but due to my bestfriend's intensive "Will you please come with me?!" I did. Attending a religious youth conference won't hurt and I need to recharge my spiritual senses as well.

But then there's you. There you are, all chill and cozy with your dark blue hoodie and a face towel pressed against your cheeks, I was mesmerized.

Lord, did my prayer worked just now?! I thought and I have no idea that time how immature it is.

I couldn't take my eyes off you. And the fact that I am supposed to listen to the speaker, all of us are, sent me guilt. Thankfully, I am able to control myself.

You have the most beautiful smile, despite my vexation over braces, I am overly attracted to you.

I'm not supposed to be distracted by any means, but you sir, you kept on giving me hysteria.

Silly me, literally took a photo of you without noticing that the flash was on and gushed after I saw you and your friends smiling and boasted it immediately to my bestfriend that maybe you like me. Really silly. A few minutes after I realized you knew I was taking a photo of you, my eyes enlarged and I gasped.

That moment when I realized, I effed up.

I was still standing on my own feet and Mr. Frevency hasn't entered me yet, I listened and focused to the speaker.

One particular statement the speaker said made a stamp in my mind.

"Your hidden sin is huge scandal in Heaven."

All of a sudden, my foul of an attitude was converted to realization and hit me like puberty. I was literally transformed after that line was said. I feel like that was really meant for me even if it's generally for everyone.

T'was lunch break and it feels as if freedom was made for me, I thought of nothing but you and my imagation of us ran wild.

This is definitely love at first sight. I thought to myself. I think it really is though.

I was never derived over a person I just met until today. I don't even know his name!

When the sessions resumed, I noticed that you brought your Bible out and my eyes went zoom zoom the moment I saw your surname written on the edge of the Holy Book. Saavedra. Your surname is Saavedra!

I hurriedly picked my phone and was about to search for you, but my conscience stopped me.

One, there are not just one Saavedra in the whole Facebook community, and there are thousands of people here. How sure are you that's him?

Two, He will not accept your friend request even if it's him because WHAT IF HE'S TAKEN?

Three, Just focus on listening!

"Are you sleeping?" I snapped out of my thoughts when my bestfriend poked me. I didn't notice I was facing my palm the whole time. I shrugged my head and tried my very best to focus.

I succeeded.

Although the frequency of my head turning at your direction is not 100% avoided.

The following day, t'was a two day summit, the sleepy versions of my bestfriend and I went straight our designated bus to take us to the event venue.

Still blinking a couple times than usual with a semi blurry vision, I walked in the center of the aisle and searched for two available seats.

Once reached middle, my eyes couldn't believe what it just captured. All traces of drowsiness drifted away.

"Ralph? You guys got the wrong bus. Move quickly, we'll leave soon!" A voice was heard from outside.

"Shoot!" It was the first time my ears could ever nurture your voice, it's like an angel's.

Wait, no they shouldn't leave!

Hold on, was that really him?

Oh, and Ralph Saavedra? His name was Ralph Saavedra?!

And he lives here, like he actually lives here, in our area.

What a magical turn of events.

[doomedandstoned]

An Evening With EMBR

~By Shawn Gibson~

Continuing his two-and-a-half-years' journey into the deepest, dankest corners of the heavy underground, Doomed & Stoned's intrepid sludge reporter Shawn Gibson continues his series of fun and lively interviews with bands in our still blooming and booming doom-stoner scene with this interview with founding member and drummer Eric Bigalow, whose partner Crystal Bigalow fronts the Alabama band EMBR. We hope you enjoy getting to know the band as much as we did, especially in light of their new album '1823' (2020) which was released recently on New Heavy Sounds.   [Editor]

Eric, how ya doin?

Good. I am on my daily walk. Watching my “conspiracy videos.”

Ah!

How are you?

I'm good.

Glad to hear it! Were you able to listen to that album?

I did. Last night two times in a row!

Really?

Back to back.

Possible Album Of The Year? (laughs)

I would say it's up there, a contender for sure! I definitely like it alot!

Thank you.

In the song "Where I've Been," Crystal's vocals are amazing, beautiful, and haunting. At the end of the song Crystal has that growl!

She learned how to scream a month before we got in the studio and freakin' knocked it out! You know the song "Powder," where I'm singing to the verses?

Yes, that's definitely another one I like on '1823' (2020)

We are going to do a song where she's taking the reins on [vocals] instead of me doing it.

Is she doing dual vocals on that track? Clean, then a bit harsher vocals.

Yeah, she'll kind of mirror some parts. When I'm done singing, she will come in and sing.

"Vines" is another good one from 1823. Who's doing those growls?

That would be me. I pull it off live while I'm playing drums, too. I'm glad you dig it! It's weird when you come out with songs, as far as what you think will be people's favorite and what the band's least favorite is. You know what I mean?

Oh yeah.

"Vines" was kind of ours. We were kind of, "I don't know about this one." It seems that the people that have heard it like it.

You and I are friends on Facebook and I see good reviews for your songs and the whole album '1823.' You guys have gotten a great response!

Seems like we're getting good responses [on that song especially]. The count on our Facebook has been doing wonderful! Almost a hundred thousand views!

Very nice!

One thousand likes and four hundred and seven shares. Thats crazy, man!

Glad to hear that! You guys deserve it!

Thank you! It's always nice to hear that. In your opinion, buddy to buddy, do you think the response from the album will be as good as one song?

Definitely. I would envision praise and a very warm welcome from doom metal fans. Tell me about recording '1823.'

We went to Ledbelly Sound studios in Dawsonville, Georgia. The owner and engineer's name is Matt Washburn. He has worked with Mastodon, Royal Thunder, Artimus Pyledriver. We are real big fans of Artimus Pyledriver! They broke up years ago and it kinda hit us hard. We worked with Matt multiple times. He mastered 261. He recorded 271 and he recorded Spiritual Dialysis.

We always got along with Matt really well. He pushes you hard, but is also kind of laid back. It's a little hard to explain how that works. He has the same kind of sense of humor as we do, so it's always a good time there. We recorded this album 1823 in six days over the course of two weekends. As far as recording, we just plugged right in and Mark and Alan recorded the scratch tracks for guitar and bass while I was playing drums. I got my drums recorded pretty much on the first day.

Damn!

Yeah! Then we went back and tracked over the drums. We had the music pretty much done in the first weekend. The second weekend was pretty much a few overlays on guitar and Crystal laying down her vocals. Everybody knocked it out pretty quick, especially Crystal. Crystal goes in the booth and knocks out a song in one or two takes then moves on to the next one.

Glad to hear that!

She is really good at recreating what she does. She does the same exact thing live. She's talented that way.

Crystal has some angelic vocals, while the music is heavy as hell!

(laughs) That's what we are going for.

That is a beautiful contrast and compliment at the same time.

Thank you! She is good at finding the right notes to accompany dropped tuning. We are in drop A. The recording was awesome -- working with Matt is always awesome. We are scheduled to go back and see him in a couple months. Can't tell you why yet!

That shows you guys are working hard.

We are trying! We are trying to make a video for every song on 1823.

That's a great feeling to have plenty of songs written and recorded, always having material to put out there. You guys work hard and practice hard, so it is easier to record and lay down tracks quicker. If you're knocking a good chunk out on a weekend, that's good! If you're paying for studio time, I'd imagine you've practiced and are ready. Studio time can be expensive.

Yeah, you don't want to go in there and dick around. You don't want to figure out the song in the studio.

Right! Tell us about your backend.

At the moment we are using Orange amps. Crowbar is using those, too. We have two Orange heads and Mark tunes one mostly to mids and lows and the other one is mids to high's. The secret sauce -- well, it's not a secret now that I'm going to tell you -- I bought an old 1969 tuck and roll bass amp. It's three 15 inch speakers. It's only two hundred watts, but you crank it all the way to where it's just breaking up. He is running two guitar amps plus a bass amp to get his guitar tone.

Wow!

That's how we achieved our guitar tone. Our bass player Alan uses really good equipment, too. He uses a dark glass amp that sounds really awesome. Matt told me he loves recording my drums because my drums are the John Bonham version that Ludwig makes, so it's all really big sizes.

Damn.

Yeah, you get a huge sound out of it. To get the shells for that kit is $1200.00 bucks, which isn't that bad. You get monster sounds out of these things and I love em! I actually have two sets!

Awesome! Listening to '1823,' "Powder, "Vines," and "Where I've Been" are my faves. I love at the end of "Where I've Been" when Crystal screams, "Where I've been!" That is badass! "Vines" fucked me up with Crystal's singing and then those male growls!

That was good, huh? Thank you! We are hoping that the next one will be a little bit heavier. A lot of our older stuff we have seven and nine minute songs. We are trying to reel that back, where we are three to five minutes. Doing stuff that is memorable, not necessarily technical.

Are you guys going to try to get back to playing shows in the fall or winter if things open back up?

Yeah, we will start booking heavy when everything opens back up. Right now we are not doing anything because nobody knows what's going on right? When stuff opens back up we will hit it hard.

You should!

We have a business plan in place to do certain shows in certain months or so many shows each month. Certain states we want to go to. We all have full time jobs, so we are trying to figure out some four day runs to kind of "tour" for the album. It is just up in the air right now. We have thought about doing some Facebook live videos or videos of us jamming in the practice space. We talked about how to get a quality recording with the footage.

On that note, what do you see in the future for EMBR?

We are planning on releasing an EP sometime soon. Right now, we are focusing on writing riffs and songs for the next actual album. In the future, we want to play a lot more shows. Right now, we are focused on material. We are putting stuff in the bank like we did for 1823. Mark will send me a riff and show me how to play it. Then I'll record it on GarageBand and write more to it then put it into Google Drive so everyone can hear it. We have about nine song ideas right now for the next one. Some might not come to fruition. What the future holds for EMBR is more work! Keep working and keep truckin'! We are all a bunch of work horses.

Hell yeah! I think you have three or four EP's before '1823.'

Yeah.

That's why EMBR has such a great response. You guys work your asses off! Do you guys have shirts or any other merch?

Oh yeah.

Where can we find this stuff at?

Our shirts are made by a company called Amplified Tee. On album 271 we had a guitarist named Craig who worked at Amplified Tee. Basically you go online and order whatever you want. I think we have five or six different designs. You can get regular shirts, girl's style tees, or a hoodie. You can go on amplifiedtee.com/EMBR. We have that available right now.

I will have to check that out!

I am actually working on a newer design right now. There might be a new design soon.

Well that's about all I have for you, Eric. I hope that you and Crystal and the other guys in EMBR are well and staying safe!

Oh yeah, definitely.

Until next time I will talk to you later, Eric.

Alright. Thank you, I appreciate it!

Follow The Band

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[knightotoc]

I can't really rank the SW movies, but I can sort of put them in categories. I wrote a bit about each one because I've never seen a list in an order like mine, though if you're asking me to be rational that is something I know I cannot do.

(This is really long)

1. The ones I love the most: 

Attack of the Clones

🍐 favorite characters, favorite planets

🍐 my soul is anchored to early naughts high-key cheesy emo, à la Raimi Spider-Mans

🍐 most Jedi per square inch

🍐 it's pretty and it kicks ass

🍐 the romance is the A-plot for ONCE

🍐 AND it's a "dark middle chapter" that pulls no fucking punches, the whole Tatooine sequence is just hnnnnggrhhh BRUTAL

🍐 the only "dark middle chapter" in which the person explaining the Jedi way (Anakin) doesn't believe in it and the person listening (Padme) doesn't want to join but just cares about him

🍐 morally ambiguous organized religion/monasticism/chivalry are interesting and personally important subjects to me, a Catholic feminist who majored in Medieval Studies

🍐 the hinge between two time periods I love, "Obi Wan trains Anakin" and "the Clone Wars"

🍐 sets up both Clone Wars shows and both KotORs

Return of the Jedi

🐻 SO much fun, SO much imagination

🐻 like RotS, both the silliest and the most tragic in its trilogy (and imo it pulls it off)

🐻 the ending -- Luke tossing his lightsaber, Palpatine killing him, Anakin saving him -- I just -- gahhhh that's what it's all about, dude😭😭😭 It makes me love the Jedi SO MUCH!

🐻 Luke's plan to rescue Han is as bonkers as Dooku's plan to begin the war and I'm obsessed

🐻 Leia's hair down and Luke in black👌

The Last Jedi

🍸 absolute masterpiece of tragedy and hope

🍸 it's so SMART and has this wisdom that brings me so much comfort facing personal failures and societal horrors

🍸 "That's how we win -- not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love" -- Rose the Queen of Themes

🍸 the cave scene in which Luke summarizes the prequels and Rey summarizes the original trilogy is so validating

🍸 "Where's Han?" [cut to Kylo]

🍸 all the transitions but that one ^^^^ especially

🍸 best visions in the movies (Rey's mirrors and Luke's twin suns)

🍸 Yoda is the best ghost and wisest teacher as he deserves😭

🍸 Leia Vader parallels are my biggest weakness

Revenge of the Sith

🔥 I can't handle this one

🔥 it's straight up Camelot and Lancelot is my favorite invention in all of fiction, and here he is as an evil space wizard

🔥 I literally can't listen to this soundtrack and drive because I get too sad

🔥 they hate each other SO MUCH ahhgggg, NO other characters come close to this level of emotion

🔥 the Matthew Stover novelization is even more beautiful

🔥 this meta-level tragedy, the dramatic irony of a guy who has been evil since 1977, a name similar to the Greek goddess of inevitability, the swirling destiny of his "prophecy" and his doom, but still I'm like "DON'T DO IT ANI" as if he ever had a chance

🔥 they play the fucking ANH medals theme at the end of the credits and it blows my mind. Absolutely brilliant

🔥 can you believe that only RotS and TLJ have shirtless scenes in them

2. The ones I also really love:

The Phantom Menace

😈 best soundtrack. All the prequels have the most thoughtful and interesting music in my opinion, but I could go on forever about TPM's.

😈 my favorite musical piece in all of SW is the Baby Anakin theme. It's so terribly sad; it sounds to me like rivers and waterfalls. They use it several times in AotC, too. The end of the melody transitions into the Imperial March😭

😈 Duel of the Fates is the actual star of the movie, of course; the words are a Sanskrit translation of a medieval Welsh poem. Ask me about how the lyrics apply to the fates of Qui-Gon, Maul, and Obi-Wan because I've FIGURED IT OUT

😈 also the cleverest piece in SW is Augie's Municipal Band, the parade theme, which is the Emperor's theme from RotJ in major key and sped up

😈 speaking of Palpatine, this is his best movie and I've basically sold my soul to him so👏👏👏we stan

😈 I've probably thought and written the most about this movie and the time periods around it, the training of Maul and Anakin. If you can believe it😅

Empire Strikes Back

☁️ it's the best one

☁️ the "dark middle chapter" that sets the standard for AotC and TLJ

☁️ "Luminous beings are we"😭

☁️ Bespin Leia is the best look in the movies

☁️ "The evil lord Darth Vader, OBSESSED with finding young Skywalker"😂 Ani has a reason to live again, oh no

A New Hope

🤖 the only one you need

🤖 an actual piece of magic on Earth

🤖 Old Obi-Wan is heartache personified

🤖 bow down to Tarkin

🤖 best droid movie

Solo

🎲 the other kissy movie

🎲 SO much fun; John Powell puts so much energy and excitement in his music

🎲 how does this random movie have the best character designs after AotC

🎲 GIRL DROID!!!

🎲 really different point of view on the central theme of family

🎲 that cameo tho

🎲 where's my sequel

Rogue One

🌠 the most visually beautiful SW movie; it fits into the tradition of beautiful 70s sci-fi movies like 2001 and Star Trek TMP, which focus on the hugeness and wonder of outer space

🌠 can Cassian and Rose please overthrow the government

🌠 I have a real theater poster of this one in my room :D (I also have one of TLJ)

🌠 does so right by Vader

🌠 makes the Rebellion more complicated, just like the prequels did to the Jedi Order

3. The ones I don't like:

The Force Awakens

The Rise of Skywalker

I want to like them, especially TFA, but I find it difficult. I feel like they lack confidence as stories, and they don't take things like death and faith very seriously. Many planets explode, but they are grieved even less than Alderaan is in ANH. And if you just pray hard enough, God will help you out. It bothers me that THAT was the culmination of Rey's spiritual journey, versus the more relatable and dramatic endings for the male Jedi protagonists Luke, Anakin, and Ezra.

I have rewatched TFA a few times and I like parts of it, like the scavenging setting in the beginning and how handsome everyone is. Some of Maz's lines justify the borrowed plot in an interesting way. And I've thought of some headcanons to make TRoS more okay, because they did so wrong by Palpatine but not necessarily by "the Sith" as a Borg-like force of evil that, I guess, consumed him. So despite JJ's best efforts, I'm trying to make this work.

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/astrology-forecast-july/

ASTROLOGY FORECAST JULY

ASTROLOGY FORECAST JULY

By Michael Lennox

July is a complex month. Not quite as intense as June, but almost. We move into July with Mercury retrograde, and Venus retracing her retrograde steps. We are still in the eclipse wormhole, and the New Moon this month is also a lunar eclipse. Mercury will go direct in the middle of the month, and toward the end of July, Venus and Mercury will wrap their retrograde cycles up on the exact same day. The outside world is being transformed mightily this year, but so is the internal experience of every person on the planet, and that discombobulating experience absolutely continues in the month ahead.

We start July in Cancer season, where self-care, and coming home to the Self with a capital S is the name of the game. This season is ruled by the Moon; moody, changeable, cyclic in nature, and deeply emotional. Cancer is the first water sign, so it is where we get introduced to our feeling mechanism, and where we get in touch with what our emotions have to tell us about who we are, and where we are in our journey through consciousness. This is where we rest, reset, and prepare to take on the world, but later on down the line, after the restoration is complete.

Right as the month gets going, we have the Capricorn Full Moon on July 5th. This is the third and final eclipse of what was one of the most intense eclipse wormholes we have ever moved through. As a Full Moon, it is designed for great release. Cancer is where we find restoration and preparation, and through Capricorn, we take our personal resources and offer them to the world. Capricorn energy is about climbing to the highest vantage point that our conscious awareness will allow; that is the true purpose driving the goat up to the top of the mountain. Consider how much you may have discovered while Venus was retrograde ways that you inhibit your ability to give and receive love. Let the power of this Full Moon help you release absolutely anything and everything that inhibits your ability to open up to more love.

Mercury went retrograde last month, and on July 12th, he will turn around and move forward once again. That means the first part of July finds us in this discombobulating cycle where the mind that helps us navigate through life is focused on the inner landscape. The third act of this cycle is where communication issues and other stuff brought up in his backward movement gets wrapped up. From the 12th through the 27th, we will be revisiting things that we may have bumped into while Mercury was moving backward in late June and early July.

Saturn will retrograde back into Capricorn after spending a few months in Aquarius. It’s as if the Great Teacher thought we were ready to move in the direction of a more caring world (Aquarius), but realized there were more structures (Capricorn) that need to be destroyed. On July 1st, he heads back into Capricorn, where he will join up with Pluto and Jupiter again, which happens in November; more change coming. On the 16th, he passes through a second Inconjunct with the North Node, which is the fork in the road the entire planet has been using to move away from the old world and into the new. In this way, July is one of the months where you can expect some more deconstruction of life as we used to know it.

The first lunation in a while that is not an eclipse is the New Moon in Cancer that takes place on the 20th. Setting intentions in the Cancer mansion are all about the needs of the Self. There is a tremendous amount of background energy in this New Moon, including an exact Opposition with Saturn, making this a moment to take radical responsibility for all that you are creating in your life, including anything and everything you wish weren’t happening. Mars and Chiron will Square Mercury as part of this New Moon, so we are informed by the wounds we are healing, and there may be some very challenging conversation to move through as we seek to mend a very troubled past, while simultaneously having to create a new future on the fly.

On the 22nd, we move into the Leo mansion, and self-care gives way to leadership. In the Leo mansion, we are in consideration of our personal sovereignty, and the power of creative expression. The force of the Sun itself (Leo is ruled by the Sun) is what we begin to work with in this mansion, and we each get to step into where that sense of leadership lives within each of us. The relationship between Leo and Capricorn, the sign where all the change and transformation is taking place, is the 150-degree angle that is sometimes called the Great Eliminator. As we move through this mansion, we are all being asked to lift our sense of Self up, while allowing outdated and outmode structures to fall away for good. Yes, more of that, I’m afraid.

In a very difficult year, there is one triple transit that is one of the saving graces for us all, especially those who are walking a spiritual path. Jupiter is all about expansion and abundance, but his ruling sign of Sagittarius includes the trek of the spiritual seeker. Neptune is the Great Spirit archetype itself. Put these together in the productive and creative 60-degree geometry of the Sextile, and we have a thread of energy that, if we pick it up and work with it, can deepen our spiritual connection in a huge way. In a year of so much chaos and change, the only real comfort we can generate will be through practicing radical acceptance of all that is occurring. And of course, practicing radical acceptance is easy and graceful, but only when we put our spiritual connection above all else.

The Sextile described above takes place on the 27th. Turns out, that is a key date for a number of reasons. Venus started her retrograde process in May, Mercury followed suit in June. And though they have very different cyclical timing, both of their cycles wrap up on the exact same date; July 27th. That is just wildly synchronistic, and ultimately, quite auspicious; heart and mind really being transformed in us at the individual level. Now throw in the fact that the only real helpful transit of the year (Neptune/Jupiter described above) hits on the same date, and we’re really cooking with gas. Now add one more little synchronicity. Mars will be going retrograde in Aries later this year (September). But his retrograde shadow, the first part of every retrograde cycle where the planet is moving forward over territory it will retrace three times in total, starts this month. And what is the date that that Mars shadow cycle begins? July 27th. More about that in next months’ forecast. But I will leave you with one of my favorite tropes: You simply can’t make this shit up.

*******

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[saltine-kakyoin]

🎶 + joseph, and also alexandra if you want? :0 if youre still doing these!

shannon, howdy! :D this is a challenging set- i really struggle with getting into joseph’s headspace (which... i don’t know why, i too am Stupide..), and i hardly ever listen to songs for alexandra! however, i will give it a Go!!

i am putting this one under a readmore- it turned out a lot longer than i thought it would!

Joseph:

the laughing song- so. this is an odd choice at first glance, and i feel i should explain the context. I sang this song at Stetson’s Choral University when i was wee sophomore and STRUGGLED with the rhythms and jumps. i vividly remember having a meltdown over my lunch at firehouse subs bc I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, and neither could my friend!! So it became a meme between us- whenever choir was kicking our ass we’d just sing the alto line maniacally. This, I feel, is BIG joseph energy. in an alternate universe, all the crusaders despair in the cave against The Sun except for joseph.. who slowly erupts into the laughing song... litch rally madness

people say- this is more of a somber song, and I think maybe a more introspective song for Joseph. I don’t think he ever fully shakes off the survivor’s guilt from Caesar’s death, and Sergio’s death is just. the second whammy you know. The Crusade is really important to Joseph because while yes, it’s a journey to get rid of the thing endangering his whole family, I think there’s also a small part of the journey that is like. atonement? for not being there for caesar or his son (that is also, spiritually, also somewhat caesar’s son..) in their final moments. I think this song is really reflective of that part of Joseph, that’s also haunted by ghosts. the “kill the voice inside your mind/ we don’t need no answers darling/ hold me close and we’ll be fine/ let’s pretend we never parted” section in particular makes me really emotional, thinking of him and Suzi being each other’s tether in the aftermath of both deaths... oUGH :”(

luminescence- it’s hard for me to explain why, but this song makes me think of joseph’s overarching journey with hamon and hermit purple, and the friendships he forged through both. it’s partially because of the lyrics, but also just because of the chords and dynamics? i have no idea how to explain this, but i really feel this is a softer joseph song. 

aiutami- sometimes i listen to shows and imagine AUs with them but never actually commit to the idea. the light in the piazza is one such show- i’ve been haunted by the ghost of a caejose au for it for MONTHS. Joseph is also just really reminiscent of Signora Nacarelli.. “without risk, there is no drama; without drama, there is no ‘aiutami’, without asking for help- no Love!!” just really reminds me of younger joseph’s wildly melodramatic ass explaining his schemes. also, “does father cheat on mother? she suspects....does father know that she suspects? He Suspects!” is like hghdhghs. in a world where the joseph cheating subplot is Not with a 20 year old college student but rather with his + suzi’s husband caesar and their wife suzi. like.. it coulda been great, if unrealistic :(

the beauty is (reprise)- of course, the context for this choice isn’t 100% 1 to 1 with the actual context of the song. BUT. imagine, “I reach... like these paintings in the old traditions. There’s a figure reaching out in them like them, and to me it is the most familiar tableau I know” with joseph.. it is the most familiar tableau he knows because he’s was reaching First for his best bud caesar, and then decades later for his son. like :powercry: the whole song is a REALLY sad joseph song, but we are just here to suffer. also..”So much wanting something, so much reaching for it, so much wishing just to have One Moment back.” + “I thought if I had a child, I would take such care of her!” AND “If I could, then I would paint it over. I would be there and I wouldn’t turn away....If I only had a chance to not turn away” all in the context of joseph regretting his final argument with caesar, him not visiting Holly once she moved to Japan, and him not checking in on Sergio who he KNEW had a deep debilitating fear of Dio... AUGHHHHH 3 Joseph is a jester, but he’s also a man of regrets and this dichotomy is really beautiful. it breaks my heart yo ; J ;

Alexandra:

gnothi safton-  this is the only song I’ve ever listened to exclusively for Alexandra! I struggled a lot with connecting the dots around her identity, and i remember galaxybraining it in the pitch black of my room at 1 w nothing but this song pushing me on.. Anyhow! this song ties into Alexandra’s fear of stagnation and her desire to explore beyond the palais garnier (which her siblings do NOT understand. they’re like bro we were mad fortunate to be born into this opera house bro.. why would you ever leave? :( and she’s like “it IS powerKNOWLEDGE is power”). She knows costuming is her calling, but there are so many outlets for that and opera costumes are but one niche. Her drive to explore and experiment other styles leads her to La Comédie Italienne, which is where she first encounters Camille and their whole story begins. /(\\\ ///)\

super trouper- Techies get burn-out too!! this song isn’t a 1 to 1 w the interpretation in my head, either, but it’s aight! The first interaction that ever passes between Camille and Alexandra is Camille frantically pouring praises onto Alexandra for her beautiful costume design after a show at LCI, and Alexandra being absolutely swept off of her feet because she’s never had an audience member seek her out to gush over her work! And then!! Camille keeps coming back to see and photograph Alexandra’s costumes! It’s deeply invigorating for Alexandra, and the root of their entire relationship. (also, mamma mia because that’s is Alexandra’s baby- first, it’s a greek musical! second, she works as a costumer and dresser for its debut in london, and then gets carted from tour to tour for it which is a DREAM come true.) 

defying gravity- THE cliche theater song...sometimes I think about this song when hammering out the dynamic between alexandra and her siblings and go :( there are no huge blow-outs at the palais that lead to alexandra leaving, she just Does it because it’s what is right for her. this baffles her siblings, who could never imagine leaving the opera house that nurtured them as they grew up. Alexandra has a lot of Elphaba’s determination and drive. the “I hope you’re happy” repetition specifically is :( because the Xydakis kids are super tight knit! They all know that Alexandra branching out and leaving the Palais means they’ll see her much less frequently, but Marika and Panayiotis also respect that it’s what Alexandra needs to do for her own sake.

all i ask of you- Alexandra grew up in the Palais Garnier, with a ballerina mother and a lighting design father. you Cannot tell me that her parents didn’t take them to see Phantom of the Opera at the West End. you cannot tell me alexandra didn’t dream of one day loving like raoul. You cannot tell me that she and Camille didn’t dance to this at their wedding. yeet yeet in the streets fella

sofia- this song has been THE camillexandra (are we outchea making our own ship names? mayhaps) song. is the character of the narrator synonymous to alexandra? not entirely. but ughh this is the Song i’ve always written about them to.

[meganforfreedom]

Dear Christians,

We avoid our feelings, and it’s killing us!

It has taken me the last 6 years of my life but I’ve noticed something -- something distressing about the way I have been taught to view emotions as a Christian. It has also taken me 6 years to adequately process what I have been taught and how it has impacted my life. What you are about to read is just a sliver of my own journey that I now feel ready to share. It contains some of what I’ve observed, what I’ve been resistant to, what I’ve tried, and where it has all brought me now 6 years later. It is my hope to provoke deeper thinking and exploration for any who happen to read this.

These words are addressed to those of you who would consider themselves “Christians.” It may challenge what you believe or how you go about living a transformed Christian life. I do intend to probe some of the principles with which we may feel both familiar and comfortable to uncover different ideas about how we pursue emotional wholeness in the pursuit of Christ-likeness.

Here’s what I’ve heard - A LOT

This may not match your experience of Christian teaching but here is what I have observed from my own Westernized, privileged, American experience of Christianity. We have a particular ethos as to what the Jesus’ followin’ life is to look like. I have heard it expressed in ways like this:

We are supposed to look like Jesus on the earth. We should be the best version of ourselves. We are to love. We are to live the empowered life in which Jesus has given us access. We are to maximize our potential. We are to advance God’s Kingdom. We are to live out the fullest expression of God’s purpose for our lives. We must live for Him and not for ourselves. We must surrender. We must be obedient. Each one of us would choose our own language, but what I typically hear sounds something like one of these statements. [Other thoughts on the goal of the Christian life from a non-Westernized, non-privileged, non-American point of view is entirely different blog post. I realize my VERY limited and narrow perspective here]

These are the kinds of things we say that we are after. Also, we really do the best we know how to actualize these intentions and desires with the knowledge, the tools, and the awareness that we have. We focus our teaching on what scripture says about being rooted in an identity in Christ and God’s promises for us. The beliefs and approaches that I hear emphasized most often as to HOW we go about this include things like this:

Surrender your will to God (Luke 22:42)

Take your thoughts captive (II Corinthians 10:5)

Renew the mind (Romans 12:2)

Look forward and not backward, forget the past (Philippians 3:13-14)

Get yourself out of the way (Romans 13:!4) (in other words sometimes, it’s selfish to consider your own needs)

Put off the old, take on the new (Ephesians 4:22)

Exchange lies for the truth, if you know the truth, you will grow and change (Romans 1:25)

There may be others you might add ...

These are the strategies to “a powerful Christian life” which hold the Sunday platform and the morning devotional. Don’t get me wrong, there are beautiful truths and practices here which are A PART of the transformation journey. They can lead us into growth, experiences of freedom and joy. But our methods to activate these scriptural truths are typically reductionistic at best. They are important but incomplete. We make our best attempts to apply these truths in pursuit of the transformed Christian life and our results are behavior modification at best. We can try and try and try, in our own strength, with a very incomplete process, and be left (1) exhausted and (2) very frustrated to experience same issues over and over again, no changes. This can ultimately lead to a cycle of despair in the way we view ourselves, the church, God, etc. when these efforts don’t lead anywhere. I’ve been there myself plenty of times.

Time Out

There is something else I have noticed that plays a big role in this conversation, or lack thereof. That is how we are taught to view emotions. The teaching I hear encourages us to engage in the transformed life which Christ has freely given to us by His death and resurrection (the gospel) but often discourages us from considering our emotional life or needs in that process. Do we realize that when we do this, we are overlooking an integral part of the spiritual life altogether? Do we not see that this is a big problem?  

I love studying growth and transformation. I consider myself somewhat of transformation junkie. I’ve spent the last 10 years reading and listening to anything I can get my hands on regarding spiritual growth, character development, spiritual wholeness, and the psychology of how people change. I’ve been involved in inner healing, deliverance ministry, and providing spiritual direction. I have seen beautiful things and troublesome things in some of these schools of thought. There is powerful material from all kinds of different philosophies about how this all works, but as I’ve scoured the modern Christian materials and listen to the typical Sunday sermon, I see this recurring theme emphasized over and over again: You cannot live by your emotions.

Here is a brief listing of the kinds of ideas used to further substantiate this:

Our emotions change from one minute to the next, we cannot trust them more than God or the Bible.

We are not supposed to live by our emotions, we are supposed to live by faith!

Put no confidence in the flesh (Phil 3:3)

If we are not fixed in God’s truth, our emotions will cause us to fall for anything.

Gosh, when we put it like this, it sounds like we really have no value for our emotions! When in reality, our emotional life is actually a huge part of who we are. So when the majority of what we are taught from a Christian worldview regarding the emotional life sounds like these statements, it is no wonder that we (1) develop a very negative view of emotions, (2) have no awareness of our emotional state of being, and (3) do not develop a healthy process of what to do with our emotions or how to involve them in our life with God. If a random person were to study the majority of content of Christian teaching today, they would probably conclude that emotions are misleading, they get in the way, they betray us and we cannot trust them. They pull us away from God. Furthermore, we label emotions as positive or negative and break them up into a binary construct of the ones God wants us to feel and the ones he doesn’t. Emotions like joy, peace, love, gratitude, and confidence are the positive ones that we should feel. Emotions like anger, sadness, pain, disappointment, despair, doubt, hopelessness, these are the bad emotions that we are not supposed to feel.

We further substantiate some of this ideology with thoughts like this:

Why would I ever talk about the pain of my past when I am a new creation?

Pain, anger, sorrow – none of these exist in heaven so why should they exist on earth?

Whatever is lovely, think upon these things … (Phil 4:8)

Satan oppresses us with negative emotions. 

What are we saying? What aren’t we saying?

Essentially when this is the extent of what we are taught about our emotional lives, there is a significant part of the human self that we are excluding from the conversation about the transformation journey and that we are ultimately devaluing. Furthermore, this part of the human self for which we show a general lack of value, is one that God created and I’m certain he values it greatly.

As a part of the larger conversation about Christianity and the emotional life, what I do not hear much teaching about is how we DO understand the purpose of our emotions that God gave to us. I don’t hear about how emotional health and wholeness are a part of our pursuit of Christ-likeness, how they connect to the gospel, and how they are essential to lasting transformation.  

What does this lead to?  

This leads to stunted Christian lives which are very based in cognitive transformation, in other words: “I know what is true and I know how to get there. All I need to do is change my thinking and my behavior will change. I just need to do better, I just need to try harder.  No matter what anxiety, fear, defeat, insecurity I experience in what I’m working towards, I must simply renounce those feelings and keep pressing on.” The power of the human will becomes the device we use to fight this battle. Guess what? These devices will at some point fail us. All of them! They are just not that strong or lasting. Furthermore, emotions don’t work this way. When we think we are putting our emotions off, we are actually repressing them. This means that they still exist but they are getting “stowed away” in some deep recess that will eventually find a voice. When it does, it is oftentimes to the detriment of ourselves or others. Pain always speaks. Always! Then we find ourselves surprised about the things that leak out of us and where they come from when we had no awareness all along of the cues we should have been paying attention to. Our lack of awareness prevents us from having the opportunity to process things in healthier ways and to also include God in this process.

We can do this all we want, knowing so much about how to live the Christian life but still have addictions, have secrets, do things to numb out from life, hide from each other, live out of codependency, gossip, bully others, avoid confrontation, refuse to listen, manipulate others, shut down or lash out when conversations get too hard, etc. These are all typically symptoms of underlying issues which need to be more fully addressed to find healing, health, and transformation. When we experience emotional reactions, we learn to disregard them, to shut them down, to avoid them, to hide them, and to be ashamed of them. When we do this, we literally dislocate and dissociate ourselves from a major part of how we are designed to live. It kills us! We don’t look very Christ-like because of this. We go on to pursue powerful Christian lives and unknowingly remain emotional toddlers.  

My Story

Back to my 6 year saga...I have spent this time asking all of these questions and also “doing a journey inward” to explore my own emotional life more deeply. I have had to acknowledge the ways that I have disengaged from my own emotional life, how I have devalued this part of who I am, and the damage it has done to my life as a whole person, to my relationships, and to my spiritual life with God. I have been challenged to open myself up and to engage with my own heart in much deeper, more vulnerable ways. I have been pressed to express all that I have discovered on my way before God and others in my life. I painfully deconstructed what I have been taught and what I have believed. I have been very resistant to this process and it has moved slowly for me. I have also had to face what I have taught others to do as a spiritual leader to follow in my unhealthy example. It has been messy and even excruciating at times to endure this process of exploration, but I believe that I have taken steps forward to integrate a healthier sense of self-awareness, emotional honesty, and well-being into my pursuit of freedom in Christ. My spiritual life feels so much richer, fuller, and freer than it has ever felt before. Most of the changes I have experienced as a person came when finally began to allow God and others into every part of who I am. Is this not what we were really created for? -- intimacy and union with God.

What else?

I have to admit that I do agree that our emotional life makes up just one facet of who we are. We cannot live healthy, whole lives when we operate out of one facet of ourselves without the other facets also being involved. Cognitive and behavioral efforts are important too. Emotions can be consuming and pull us into unhealthy places. They need to be acknowledged, named, experienced, processed, and informed by other parts of the human self. And God holds his place at the center of this for sure!

But the way we address this now has got to change! Our intentions may be good but I believe what we hope to prevent in our efforts actually violates God’s design for us. Our emotions (all of them) are not at war with God, they are a primary component of how we are designed. Scripture is even wrought with descriptions of the emotions God feels. They are a gift to us. The very darkest place of what we believe and what we feel are exactly where we need God and each other the most. Our transformation is found as we enter into those places with honesty and courage.  

Furthermore, I also believe that the byproduct of devaluing our emotional selves is playing out in our society and in the world in destructive ways. There is so much more to be said about this that I won’t tackle at this time. But this is also a big part of why I feel the need to voice my thoughts here. I truly believe that recovering a healthy practice of self-awareness and integration of emotional wholeness into your lives is vital to our progress as a human race. Our perspective of spirituality and transformation needs to address this. Bear in mind that any human person’s journey of emotional health is impacted by man other things besides religious teaching. Our family of origin experiences, cultural experiences, socioeconomic experiences, medical/health factors, and so many more variables all play a role together, but the church can often reinforce dysfunctional views and behaviors that we learned already somewhere else. This is a whole other can of worms.

What are we supposed to do then?  

Some of you may be thinking, Megan, you’re spouting off all of these opinions about what is wrong but you’re not offering any solutions! I hear you. The purpose of this is to start a conversation, to address a problem, and provoke us to rethink what we’ve been taught so that we can look at this in a new way. The truth is, I think that the Christian world does not do a strong job of this because we don’t know how. We can’t teach what we don’t know. We don’t even have language for it and this has to change. My hope is to continue to develop more content which addresses where we can go from here and to be a voice for what the integrated life can really be. One of my biggest passions in life is to contribute towards ways that we integrate emotional health into spirituality. There were times in history of Christianity were we didn’t see so much of a dissociation between these two worlds and I want to be a part of how we recover that in our modern age.

More to come!

Thanks for reading

[kosmicdream]

hey!!! i just read to the most recent update of ffak (my favorite webcomic ive ever read tbh) and i kinda wanna try making my own. did you have the whole story planned out before you started or is it an ongoing thing? also how did you make the website for it? thank you for making such a cool comic!

Thank you so much!! And let me try to figure out a way to answer this properly. My process is a bit complicated to explain because it is very organic. Its almost like I am never done writing it, because I am always letting it grow/stretch and explore as I think about ffak every day, and every night before sleeping I’ll try to brainstorm things I havent thought of. So spending that much mental energy on something, you never really get ‘done’ with writing a story. Even when i eventually finish ffak, im sure i will be still working on it (or things I would have wanted to do.)

However!! Before i started working on ffak, when it was just called HELP! i established many things narratively that I stuck to and have not changed about the story. So I think the process of this comic, in a simple way, could have been broken down like this in.. stages?

1) I laid down the basic framework of the world, such as the functions of king worms specifically, the aiguille family, helpers, several characters (some havent even appeared in the comic yet!), king leadman, as well as antony/rome’s narrative arc/dynamic. that way their character arc was already figured out before the comic started and I knew it would be the central ‘root’ of the story. I knew how i wanted Rome to be introduced, and how he would meet canary, not knowing the connection between canary and his brother. I had a rough idea, even from here, how their character arc would come to a point (and basically what sorts of things the story would likely eventually close on) I also knew the general setting was on moons and how the humans got there, and how advanced society was, and what the red lights “really" were and what they meant..i figured out what ‘vein’ was here.. ect.. many worldbuilding things!!!It might sound intimidating, but this process happened very quickly. I basically figured this out in the.. day? before i started working. I have had a lot of experience with roleplaying so i think that helps with me making quick decisions. I knew i had enough to work with that I didn’t feel intimidated to start actually drawing it out-- especially because i had the rome/antony thing already set down. 2) Then when I actually started to work, things started to develop very quickly. I knew basically all i needed to for Hekatons before i got to introduce knife (their origins, history, involvement in present day politics) and before ch6 i also wrote all of the “supporting cast” (at the time) which included dylan, fork/spoon/knife, paper/scissor/rock. So i ws able to write Thumb and Heel, and set up the overall dynamic of what the world was like in the present day. (also Spoon/Scissor’s connection.) Cash was actually written in the first batch of characters oops, but her design really became more detailed during this stage because of scissor. 3) then things got more complicated as i dug deeper into the past, and wanted to include crimson. So!! I fleshed out the origin and true history of this world. basically as soon as crimson appeared I had everything in place and felt comfortable enough to include crimson, who borrowed many things narratively from a character i roleplayed for years. Anyway, i figured out all of the deep past of the world and decided to draw it out since it was so interesting in ch 9/10. I think this was around in the 2nd chapter when i figured this out, but my memory is fuzzy. I know by the time i did the flash forward scene in ch2 i had decided many things and so all i had to do was get to them in the comic to cement it in. 4) I forget when exactly (maybe around in chapter 5 or 6) , but i decided to bring in a very old story i wrote in 2009 for good leadman’s origin story-- as i thought it would be cool to make good leadman the protagonist for this old comic i wanted to do, and that helped make the background for heel and thumb more “believable” to me because they were already symbolizing this old story i had written the entire thing of. Oh that’s something else to mention, because that world was part of a collection of stories- i was able to develop DMTIA that way because i already had this cast and just decided to merge the stories into the FFAK setting. I think when i did this, it pretty much was the final big thing to make me understand everything i needed to know about this world. All the story arcs felt pretty realized and I could see how the ending could go at this point.

I guess to summarize, is that i let things grow but also had things planned from the start and once i commit to an idea, it doesnt change. Even if it might appear somewhat frustrating to work with, i like to use them to make my next decision. sometimes that means i dont get to do all i want to do, but i still have a lot of flexibility in this setting like i wanted to have from the beginning.

Even now when i feel like pretty confident that I’ve explored every nook and cranny, I’ll decide to revisit a older storyline or facet of the world and strengthen or build on that. That’s why i ended up with so many fucking side characters because I’ll brainstorm for them for a day or two and suddenly have a lot of material i know wont even “technically” go into the story even though its there. (like, Spot for example was not meant to be so interesting, but i wrote a huge fucking story for him that obviously wont get really any attention.)

So.. its ongoing and it is also not ongoing and hasnt been for quite a long time now? (after two years of constant work it felt.. really complete and done in a lot of ways. we are now currently on year three, moving to year four!) I think the best thing to do is to keep in mind what kinds of methods for writing make you feel comfortable and is your natural brain-pace. I like working with an aspect of fluidity and room for growth and flexibility because i don’t like being boxed in or “outgrowing” my project too fast. So keeping that in mind, i designed ffak to be a comic where it could grow with me and change. that’s pretty much why i decided worms would be a great subject and theme to work with because they are characters that naturally, evolve and change based on what they eat and absorb. plus the themes in ffak just are so fun to work with i will never be bored of it. structuring a project with these things in mind for when i run into walls or feel unmotivated have kept me engaged. I think that is part of why i cannot let it go because I still feel really excited to write and contribute ideas to it.

However, Chapter 12 really feels like I’m settling back down to my original plans and taking my time and patience to communicating all the structured planning ive put into it. I’m not letting it grow the same way anymore because it doesnt need to. I feel comfortable with understanding its voice/style and pacing and im no longer recovering from the uhh.. shock of it existing? I promise that once you actually start making a comic, its a wholly different experience than just it being in your head. and it will sound, look, and feel different than what you thought it would be-- that in itself has influenced a lot of change in ffak because honestly at first i was not expecting to draw it so explicit. that was difficult to get used to but im happy to have embraced that aspect of my work.

So HMM.. I made a strong spine or foundational backbone in the beginning before i started, then fleshed it out as i was in the process of making it, and i always continue to leave room for it to grow. just not grow in EVERY aspect anymore. i also dont chop down branches, but i try to hone in on specific things to make them more clear. i think chopping stuff down and removing things is generally not the best to do because its easier to build up and work with what you have than make big retcons after youve already started or established. also the challenge of working with limitations makes you feel that needed bit of pressure to really commit to your work in the moment of making it and i feel like its helped make me more serious and confident about what i write about. I never feel lost on what to do because if I cover and figure out something, that’s how it is. I make it work regardless! 

everything is done with careful consciousness to the overall balance and product of the story, while also not suffocating it in a box of limitations of what it could be. i treat it like a living thing in my mind and heart and that means i work to have thoughtful conversations with it and myself about what its needs are, what my needs are, what i want to do with it and what it wants to be.. ect. its almost a spiritual thing really. i feel like its important to always reflect and engage with your art and art process to feel a stronger connection and purpose behind what you are deciding to do and what it means to you. i am probably repeating myself a little here but!!!!!! its worth saying!!!!!!!!! 

I also really think it adds to the interesting and fun “layers” to the story, as there has been different stages to its development and it brings in different feelings with each layer. But then the older or more ‘’foundational’’ ones pop in and they seem to give off a different atmosphere (antony and rome) vrs some of the newer additions (like jacket) who are more for shallow, fun decoration or an interesting potential to explore in the future. Like, Jacket is not a character that has a lot of foundational plot connected to him, but he’s an interesting development in terms of the potential of a worm and symbolizes that early-ffak-mindset of growth and experimentation. so i think it makes him a really unique and fun character because he embodies a lot of new and old aspects of ffak’s narrative and my journey with working on the comic.

I could go on and on, but I hope this sort of gives some insight to my process and how I write/work. because in a lot of ways, it isn’t linear. just like how my comic is! sometimes this makes ffak very disorienting for people to read, but if you keep in mind that ffak is very organic and personally tailored to my mannerisms  and with that in mind, it makes a lot more sense why it is how it is and the patterns in it become much more apparent. Anyway! thank you for reading and good luck working on your own stories! it can be challenging but i think it is absolutely worth the effort. 

Also i did not make the website, my good friend Tegan did. :3 i do not know anything about websites.

[jeremystrele]

Singer-Songwriter-Survivor Ngaiire On Motherhood, Music + Building From The Rubble

Singer-Songwriter-Survivor Ngaiire On Motherhood, Music + Building From The Rubble

Family

Ashe Davenport

Singer-songwriter Ngaiire her three-year-old son, Dovey. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire really embraced the concept of self-care during the pandemic. ‘I pretty much live and breathe my work. But then COVID hit, and I started to see the value of creating little nooks around the house, to read in and be still,’ she says. This corner is one of them. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire’s mum (who lives with them in their house on the Central Coast!) made Ngaiire and Dovey’s INCREDIBLE matching outfits from Spotlight fabrics. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

During a period of intense trauma and turbulence in Ngaiire’s adolescence, she found solace in her mum’s CD collection, which featured Mariah Carey, Bob Marley and Alicia Keys. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘Every day I worry, “Am I doing too much work and (giving) too much energy for my music and not enough with him?” The balancing can be agonising!’ says Ngaiire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire is a design and architecture obsessive! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘I never imagined that, despite how traumatic my birthing story was, the miracle of becoming a mother literally plugged me into a creative life source I never knew I could access. (It) felt like a tap had been turned on, and the parameters of my creativity broadened. The irony of having your motivation to create triple (while) having your energy levels completely diminished at the same time can feel like a cruel joke!’ Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Up until recently, Dovey’s favourite song was the Harry Styles banger ‘Adore You’. Now, it’s ‘Boogie Wonderland’ by Earth, Wind & Fire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ummmmm, how beautiful is the fam’s Central Coast pad?! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

‘The times Dovey has seen me sing he gets very still, which is great, because he’s never that still unless he’s asleep! It’s like he understands something special is happening,’ says Ngaiire. Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Ngaiire and Dovey’s lockdown activity was planting seedlings. Dovey’s now seen a full year of crops grow! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Like mother, like son! Photo – Alisha Gore for The Design Files.

Life has tried to pull Ngaiire under on multiple occasions. At three-years-old she was diagnosed with cancer of her adrenal glands. She’s spoken about the friends she made on the oncology ward, and sung for the ones she lost. At age 12, in her homeland of Papua New Guinea, Ngaiire survived a volcanic eruption that covered her house in ash and separated her from her mother for several months. 

‘Aren’t you supposed to be dead?’ 

The question was asked by her nephew in a dream that would become the basis for her song ‘Once’ (track two on her hit 2016 album Blastoma). In the music video, Ngaiire travels through the carriages of a moving train, each one representing a chapter of her life. In some she’s being pulled at, stripped, hospital-gowned. In others she is fluid, in charge and perfectly synchronised. 

She’s risen from the ashes again and again, caped in fuchsia and gold.

This is an edited and condensed version of our conversation, which wasn’t so much about where she’s been, but where she is now, safe in the home she built from the rubble.

Can you please tell me everything about this outfit? 

When I found out Nadav and I would be doing this shoot, I died. I’m a lowkey hard out nerd for design and architecture. I’ll sadly admit that Design Files is probably one of my top 3 most visited IGs daily. I’m OBSESSED. 

When I got the news, I immediately sketched up two outfits for Nadav and I, went to Spotlight to get some fabric, then commissioned my mother (who is currently living with us) to sew them. Mum’s been [making my clothes] for decades, so it wasn’t our first rodeo. It helped that she’d already set up a mini sewing factory downstairs for our little toddler clothing label, Dovey Nero, which we’ve been slowly building and taking our time testing the market with. What Dovey is wearing is a little taste of what we’re currently working on. 

What’s it like sharing so much of your story in your music? 

Being a singer, my whole instrument is very much connected to how I’m feeling and what might’ve happened to me that morning or that week. When you’re working in an office, you’re expected to leave your personal issues at the door. But when it comes to music, it’s about finding that balance, and utilising your emotional backlog to tell a story. The wonder of songwriting is that your story becomes someone else’s anchor, or road map, to joy, relief or even salvation. 

How do you manage all of that emotional expense? Are you drained AF?

I don’t know how I manage it. It can be really taxing, especially being a mama. I have a three-year-old, which can be a lot, both physically and emotionally. Every day I worry, am I doing too much work and (giving) too much energy for my music and not enough with him? The balancing can be agonising! 

How do you get out of the working parent guilt loop? Is there something you do that’s just yours? 

I pretty much live and breathe my work. But then COVID hit, and I started to see the value of creating little nooks around the house, to read in and be still. It takes me forever to get through a book these days, but if I can just steal 5-10 minutes, read some literature, even just look out the window at the bush we live behind. The concept of self-care is something I’ve definitely come to understand more during the pandemic. 

How does the parenting load get divided in your house? 

My husband’s carrying a lot of the load right now. He’s a designer by trade and his workload varies. It’s amazing that it’s worked out the way it has, with me having such a big work year ahead. He’s doing most of the parenting while I release this album.

In terms of what daycare days look like, I mean, we always swear to wake up earlier to drop Nadav and start our work days, but it’s really hard sometimes. Especially if he wakes up a few times at night and you just want to doze that little bit longer! 

How does motherhood compare to your expectations of it?

It met ZERO of my expectations! In fact it surpassed any idea I possibly had of how hard, but also how rewarding and life-altering it would be. It elevated the respect I had for myself as someone who was (able) to bring life into the world.

Being a sickly child, my chances of getting pregnant were considered low. I never imagined that despite how traumatic my birthing story was, the miracle of becoming a mother literally plugged me into a creative life source I never knew I could access. (It) felt like a tap had been turned on, and the parameters of my creativity broadened.

The irony of having your motivation to create triple (while) having your energy levels completely diminished at the same time can feel like a cruel joke!

How does Nadav respond to your music? 

Singing is a deeply spiritual thing for me. It connects me to something that not a lot of people have access to, and we as artists kind of become the conduits for that for our audience.

The times Dovey has seen me sing he gets very still, which is great, because he’s never that still unless he’s asleep! It’s like he understands something special is happening.  I have no idea what he’s taking in, but based on what I get from music, I can only assume he’s taking on a multitude of information. Maybe on some level he’s understanding how the world works. How to relate to people, and how deep that connection can be. 

What messages do you hope a grown up Nadav will take from your songs?

I want him to grow up feeling like he can do anything he wants to do in this life, whether it’s music or something else completely opposite. I hope he always stays in touch with that reverence for music and that he knows that he is very privileged to be able to ingest it in a way that not a lot of kids are afforded. I hope he also still feels like I’m around for him through my songs even when I’ve passed on. And that I did the best I could despite my challenges so he (could) too. 

Did you find that deeper level through music or did you already know about it and that’s what led you to music? 

Before I’d hit 12 or 13, I’d been through so many huge life traumas. I had cancer, and my family lost their property and all their belongings to a major volcanic eruption. We were living in the bush, separated from my Mum for a fair while. She was looking for us frantically, but couldn’t contact us because everything was down, the phone lines, everything. She reached us through emergency announcements over AM radio, which a relative luckily caught (wind) of. The organisation she’d been working for chartered a plane, which landed in a nearby clearing and zipped us out of there to the mainland. Shortly after that, my mother found herself in an abusive second marriage, which was pretty traumatising for us, but 100% more so for her.

At that point in my life, I found solace in Mum’s CD collection. I’d listen to Mariah Carey on repeat, memorising every word from inside the cassette cover, and anything else (from) Bob Marley to Deep Forest (laughs). When we moved to Australia, I took up music at school. I sang ‘Fallin’ by Alicia Keys in front of the school assembly, (which) was a big moment. From that point, I understood I had something that affected people a certain way, beyond the noises that came out of my mouth. I knew I had to continue chasing music.

What can we expect from your upcoming album? What does it represent for you?

It’s an actual journey, not in a cliché way, but in that every song on it serves as an integral part of the sonic trajectory. You appreciate each song more if you hear them in context of the whole body of work, and I think that’s the beauty of what Jack Grace (my co-producer) and I are good at doing as a team – making music that breathes as a complete organism as it does individually. 

The album represents a whole life cycle for me. I started the album off the back of touring the last one (Blastoma) – before I got hitched and before I got knocked up (laughs). It was an attempt to present my Papua New Guinean heritage in a new light, so that I could feel more understood within my industry – something I never fully felt. Little did I know that the whole process, 4 years on, would propel me through a maze of re-discovery of who I really am and who I want to be. I care less about what people think a Papua New Guinean woman should be within an western context now then when I first started this project, because that’s everyone else’s problem. This record has become a celebratory affair of my love for PNG, people and myself. And at the end of the day, that’s what motivates people to make the decisions (throughout) their lives. 

FAMILY FAVOURITES

Favourite cafe?

Like Minds in Avoca

Weekend away?

It hadn’t really been a thing for us. We used to have accidental getaways through my work. So before COVID hit, we’d all get to hang out interstate if I had shows. Now we bush walk in places like Maitland Bay or the Pink Caves up the coast.

Rainy day activity?

We raised a lot of seedlings during lockdown to plant in the garden. Dovey got really good at planting seeds inside, where it’s prime seedling growing heat. He’s seen a full year of crops already, which is pretty cool.

Most played song?

Until recently it was Harry Styles, ‘Adore You’. Dovey requested it ALL. THE. TIME. But now it’s moved to ‘Boogie Wonderland’ by Earth, Wind & Fire.

Sunday morning ritual?

Not so much Sundays. Fridays are really our thing, when we do Shabbat. It’s the moment we get to bookend the week together, unplug, drink some wine, eat. Dovey helps to bake the challah. He’s getting pretty good at plaiting it!

New music by Ngaiire is coming in May. Her current tour dates are: May 28th at Corner Hotel in Melbourne; June 5th at The Zo in Brisbane; and June 12th at Factory Theatre in Sydney. Tickets can be booked here.

[zoilathemom-blog]

stuff i wish i knew

Dakota was not planned. In fact, Zach and me were very much mending ourselves back together when we found out I was pregnant. We intended to have a baby at some point, but Winter 2018 was not penciled into our agenda. When we got the news there was no question. We were doing this, we’d made it 10 years at that point and had survived a 6 month separation, we could handle anything. And let me tell you, we really can handle anything. 

Thank goodness we trusted our path because we are so in love with our little human. Dakota is a blessing, the perfect combination of us both and I am so excited for our life as Dakota’s parents. BUT I’d be a lying fool and a faker if I pretended my pregnancy wasn’t riddled with what ifs, doubts and confusion. Even more so, being a mother is terrifying - I’m constantly wondering if I’m fucking up. And the truth is, I probably am. But also, that’s OK.

My time as a pregnant woman was quite isolating. You see, we moved to LA in November of 2015 and hadn’t quite solidified a community here. I always imagined this time in my life would be filled with family and my best girl friends. It wasn’t. So I did what women do best, I adapted. With constant check-ins on my “Mothers.” chat - a group chat of 3 amazing girlfriends who are moms, advice from my mother and a lot of reading, I made it to motherhood. But that was just the beginning,  there is still so much for me to learn. Motherhood is like getting to the top of a 5 mile high mountain only to find that the peak is still 15 miles up. Or like that scene in Titanic when they discover the iceberg has a side that juts out and the sailor screams “it’s got a head!”  That’s motherhood. Always another step on a constant learning curve. BUT, the reward, the reward is so damn good. The first time Koda smiled a non gas triggered smile? I DIED!!!! Dying just thinking about him. Hold up, now I need to run into his nursery and check that he’s breathing....

OK, back now :) 

So, in the spirit of sisterhood and the belief that real talk is the only talk that should exist, I’ve asked for advice. I asked for advice from some of the most amazing moms I know (please take or leave what you’d like - none of this is fact!). I asked them to share what they wish they had known or anything they feel is relevant for first time moms. This will be an ongoing document that I hope mothers will use and share, far and wide. Being a mom is hard. It is scary. It is also incredibly exciting & fulfilling. It is all the damn things and you don’t have to go through it alone. But if you are feeling alone (been there!!), I am here and so is this mama tribe. 

On Support:

“Find plenty of moms who have been through it already and cry on their shoulders.” - Marti Cuevas; Mama to Martin Carle, 39 and me :)

“My advice is to reach out to other moms, either friends w kids or try to make some. Talking out weird questions or just being able to relate is so key.” -Kristina; Mama to Isabel, 8 Months

“Ask for what you need. Your partner or anyone around you for that matter cannot read your mind. Be vocal and direct.” - Zoila; Mama to Dakota, 3 Months

On Post Partum Bodies:

“I wanted to lose the baby weight right away, in my head, but it wasn’t until my son was 18 months that I felt my post-C-section body was ready and able. Everyone said breast feeding will make the weight drop on it’s own; well not for my P.C.O.S.-ridden reproductive system. My advice to first-time moms is to not succumb to the pressure of obsessing over baby weight loss. Follow your heart, mind and body on your post-partum journey back to your pre-pregnancy jeans.” - Rachel Muniz-Strauss; Mama to Donovan, 3 + one on the way.

On Self-Care:

“Don’t put undue pressure on yourself! We do that so much and it serves no one. You are a fabulous mama.” - Sadye; Mama to Rafi, 2

“New moms should do ONE thing a day. Like if it’s going to the store or a doctors appointment or whatever. One thing! Healing after labor and delivery or a cesarean birth takes time emotionally, physically, and spiritually! Over exertion is no bueno when dealing with a baby and a partner who is also struggling to find his or her place in the new family unit as well as probably recovering from the birth!” - Scotlan; Mama to Clementine, 11 Months

“BREATHE: things are going to get super hectic and really noisy. You will get hit with a poop explosion, loud crying and screaming, dinner burning on the stove, phone ringing, your partner asking "hey did you do the laundry yet?", while you have been holding your pee in for the last 3 hours cause you've been running around the house like a chicken without a head trying to do it all...You start to panic...but DON'T! JUST BREATHE and don't cram it all in at once...this is a recipe for ANXIETY. Yes you are a super hero and a bionic woman but you can't do everything at once. So stop for a minute and breathe, even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 minutes...let the baby cry, let hubby figure it out and BREATHE...in through your nose and out through your mouth and tell yourself "I GOT THIS"..then go out there and conquer each thing one by one with a huge smile on your face... I know it's so simple but trust me it will save you a world of anxiety” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

ACCEPT HELP. While being a new mom is certainly a sensory awakener, and a super cool and interesting experience that you wanna soak up all to yourself, you MUST accept help, especially from those with some wisdom and experience, and if someone whom you trust offers to watch the baby while you shower or nap, ACCEPT! - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2 

“SLEEP: every mom I have ever received advice from tried to sell me this little bit of information and guess what...I did not buy it! A sleep deprived mama is an unhappy, unhealthy, and uncomfortable mama. When that baby is sleeping, lay your ass down and close your eyes. Being rested allows you to be productive and allows you to be happy and healthy. When you are sleep deprived you make poor food choices (typically lots of sugar to keep you awake) which lead to a poor mood...and when mama is in a bad mood, everyone suffers! So try and sleep...the laundry will wait, the dishes will wait, the dinner will wait, your partner will wait, the whole world will wait for you to wake up!” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

On “The Way Things Are Done:”

“I would advise not to share with others the name choice for your child. I feel that it should be between you and your partner (if there is one) as you are the parents, and deserve 100% creative control, if I may, in naming your child. I’ve found that when sharing my top name choices, the opinions of others really Jaded me (since when?!) BUT, while I love the names I gave my kids, I wish I had been more private on that aspect.” - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2

“Breastfeeding is INCREDIBLY hard. If it does not come naturally to you, rest easy knowing you are not a mutant who can’t provide for their child. Almost every woman struggles with some aspect of breastfeeding. It doesn’t really start to feel normal until after the 3rd month. Don’t beat yourself up. Also, if you don’t want to breastfeed, that is your choice too and NO ONE has the right to shame you for it.” - Zoila; Mama to Dakota, 3 Months

“Your choice for Feeding source..  I 100%  think should be kept as personal as possible. We all go into this mom thing with an idea of what we want to do, or not, but often times as I now know, things don’t go according to plan with regards to really anything, but especially nursing... lactation issues, latching or lack thereof, allergies, your schedule…. , or formula feeding may just be your personal preference... so regarding nursing vs formula, I found it best to keep mum. Everyone has an opinion, but do what your maternal instinct tells you.” - Cashley; Mama to Jacob 14, Nicky 11, Sophia 2

“Be patient with trial and error. Things that might work for your best friend might not work with your family. Flexibility and letting go of the idea that parenting should “look” a certain way” - Scotlan; Mama to Clementine, 11 Months

“SOMETIME'S LET THE BABY CRY: babies are designed to cry! It actually helps strengthen their vocal chords. I remember with baby # 1 I would be on the toilet while he was napping and I would hear him wake up and cry his little heart out and I would get up without finishing my business; run, trip, fall just to get to him as quickly as possible and help stop him from crying! No need for all that...take care of your shit mama! (NO PUN INTENDED) That baby won't brake. That baby will be fine!  A few extra bouts of crying won't change anything. Yes it sounds painful and you want nothing more than to nurture your baby and protect it...but a little crying is OK...I promise.” - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

Tricks & Products That Save Lives:

“BABY WEARING: is a game changer! I can't begin to tell you how much this practice works. Especially for my super busy super moms who like to multi task...when you wear that baby in an Ergo or a MOBY Wrap (two of my faves), you can do anything you need to around the house, at the store, or outside...that baby is happy to be snuggled up against you, and you're happy that you can knock out a few birds with one stone. Your hands are free to type, clean dishes, make dinner, talk on the phone, fold laundry, speed walk, etc...(all in standing posItion - which is great for your back anyways!) I literally pull a 4 hour work shift out of the house just by wearing my baby. He's happy and I am getting shit done!!! - Byata; Mama to Luca, 6, London, 5 & Lucky, 11 Months

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/a-massive-explosion-detected-in-ophiuchus/

A Massive Explosion Detected in Ophiuchus

A Massive Explosion Detected in Ophiuchus

ByMahala’s Astrology

Ophiuchus has held a special fascination in the Heavens for many people as the thirteenth sign of the zodiac. Here we have an image of a healer with two serpents representing the male and female forces which are the mirror of the Creator’s divine blueprint of life.

In my own explorations of Ophiuchus, I have felt him as a holographic representation of Moses holding the serpents and witnessing the burning bush. You might recall from the bible that Moses had a stutter and had also killed a man – you might say an unlikely candidate to be a primary prophet of God. It is in this part of his journey that God shows him two miracles – his staff turning to serpents and also the burning bush which doesn’t burn, to convince Moses to follow His will. As a result of Moses trusting God he is eventually able to liberate the Hebrew people from Egypt. This story has many metaphoric resonances for our time and if you haven’t looked at it as an adult delve into its profound mysteries.

The Goddess Asteroid Hygeia in my journey also connects to Ophiuchus. Hygeia was the daughter of Asclepius and again the symbol of the two serpents is connected to both figures. Hygiea, as the feminine counterpart, represents ancient lineage of healing that connects to sleep, dreams and altered brain wave states such as sound healing.

The BBC released this story of the huge explosion on the 22nd February 2020 – I’m not sure of the exact date it was discovered but given the numerology this is certainly a key date in which its impact filtered into our Earthly consciousness. 22 is the number in the Gene Keys which relates to the Opening of the Seven Seals. It coincided with New Moon in Pisces conjunct Neptune in the days that followed.

Supernova’s have been known to release incredible new information to human beings. For example, Human Design is said to have come from the Supernova of 1987 – the year of Harmonic Convergence. Many wonderful political events followed such as the Berlin Wall coming down and the end of Apartheid. The system of the Gene Keys then emerged from Human Design and is a system I myself follow and am infinitely fascinated by as it is all about unlocking the potential for light within our DNA.

It is a struggle to find harmony at the moment but that is I feel the essence of the work. In the post-election depression in the UK many people on the more progressive end have completely withdrawn from the media and politics – perhaps not such a bad thing. It is a fight sometimes to reach for love for the ‘other’ voters and for authorities who seem hell bent on harming both vulnerable people and the environment. The new government has started their rule with deporting many people from the Caribbean who have lived here all their lives. There is a hostility towards other Europeans, for example one commentator said how we can all go back to enjoying shopping again once other European’s have left. That is certainly not how I feel, I celebrate living in a diverse humanity. Britain like America is a split society at this time and the parallels are striking,

The BBC and media are also under attack and much like Apartheid South Africa, there are moves to control exactly what the media can and cannot say. Despite this though, the Prophetic side of me hears God whispering hope, knows that Christ is right here – is us all – for those who have ears to hear.

I recently discovered a wonderful audio book of an interview with Brother Gregg who runs an awesome project called Home Boys in Los Angeles, and the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodrin, who I often feel saved my life in the years I was an adoptive mother. The audio book is called Creating a Culture of Tenderness and by the end of listening to it I was right in that place of harmony. The job is to stay there!

Back to the explosion in Ophiuchus that was so enormous at first astronomers dismissed that it could be an explosion at all. It is 5 times bigger than anything previously seen and is more akin to the Big Bang happening again. Using low frequency radio wave telescopes astronomers have figured it out.

What does this mean for humanity? God works in mysterious ways, but I feel sure that perhaps many of us are receiving this download right now. We can certainly tune into it and see what emerges from that ‘void’ space. What has been birthed?

Below is an excerpt from the jovianarchive.comwebsite

Ra Uru Hu was not your traditional mystic: “I was conditioned to believe that science fiction was a genre of literature, that mystical revelation was simply a more antiquated form of the same, and that God, if not dead, was most likely a concept. On the evening of January 3, 1987, all that changed.” Previously a sceptic who didn’t believe in the mystical or even follow astrology, living as a hermit on the island of Ibiza, Ra’s experience changed him dramatically. He spent the next 23 years becoming the world-renowned messenger of the penetratingly accurate, immensely detailed Human Design System, which describes the mechanics of our being.

According to the source of the Human Design System, “The Voice” originated from a supernova – the death of a star. Scientists named it 1987A. This supernova’s last breath bombarded our planet with subatomic particles that transmitted the entire system into Ra Uru Hu, and seeded all of us with its information. One of the first things it told Ra was that the big bang was our universes conception point, and it has yet to be born. (My words – could this be the birth?)

Here is a link to the original BBC report https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-51669384.

Here is a link to the Gene Keys web site https://genekeys.com.

By Alison Dhuanna

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