#his tenure on Who would put an end to these kinds of guest spots for a couple of years‚ and afterwards he'd generally appear in more mature

[mariocki]

Patrick Troughton lays down the law as Italian police Inspector Guido Gambetti in The Saint: Interlude in Venice (5.2, ITC, 1966)

[popculturebuffet]

The Critic Valentine’s Day Double Feature (Pilot/Sherman, Woman and Child)

Vivia Jay Sherman! Viva Quebec! Viva Valentine’s Day! And Viva WeirdKev who as happens for a good chunk of my content payed for this wonderful double feature for one of my favorite shows.  The Critic was created by Al Jean and Mike Reis of The Simpsons fame, a comedy team supreme. While I knew the two wrote for the simpsons, more on that iin a minute, I had no idea just how many classics the two churned out: There’s No Disgrace Like Home, Moaning LIsa, The Telltale Head, The Way We Was, Stark Raving Dad (Sadly tainted by it’s guest star being a horirble monster but that’s not their fault), Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington, the treehouse of horror segments The Bart Zone and Clown Without Pity (The second of which may be my favorite treehouse of horror segment), and later coming back to write the story for one of my all time favorites Round Springfield and to outright write the classic “SupercalfragalisticexpalliDOHcious”.  And to his credit Jean would later go on to write some classic post-golden age simpsons episodes during his tenure as producer: Lisa’s Sax, Mom and Pop Art, and Children of a Lesser Clod, which is notable if nothing else for this gag. 

So yeah the guys are legends and were right to start their own show under Simpsons producer James L Brooks over at ABC. The show followed the adventures of film Critic, Jay Sherman, a parody of film critics with high brow tastes, impossibly high standards, and a huge opinon of himself, having won the pultizer at least once.  Despite this he was also constnatly spat and shat on by society, divorced, lonely, depressed and eats like a thousand pigs combined in some horrific science accident. And given the last three parts describe me, as well as my profession of b eing a critic, naturally I love the guy and this show. I’ll get into his cast as we go as the first episode does an excellent job of introducing the entire cast so there’s no sense repeating myself.  But the show’s style I can and will talk about: It’s basically Golden Age, i.e. season’s 1-10, simpsons, but with more pop culture refrences and movie parodies, since the show would often feature multiple on Jay’s show coming Attractions and took place in the celebrity hot spot of new york and was a love letter to the city.. and sometimes a hate letter but only when those digs at the city would be funny, which to be fair depsite never having been to or lived in new york most really are. That’s the series key asset: while a LOT of the jokes haven’t aged well as a lot of the celbreity refrences are dated as are some of the movie parodies, most are hilarious wether you get what their making fun of or not and to me tha’ts a good parody: where knowing what their making fun of HELPS, but you can laugh regardless. The show had the charm and pace of the Simpsons while having it’s own unique style and cast that was just as charming and I love it dearly.  The show sadly only lasted two seasons, with ABC canceling it after one, and Brooks having it moved over to FOX, which was a good idea and lead to what’s probably my faviorite simpsons episode, a Star is Burns. Ironically despite you know, the show being created by two simpsons writers, backed by one of their producers and perfectly in line, creator Matt Groening was against the idea, publicly ranted about it to the press, and generally was an ass about it. Look I love the guy and even Brooks, Jean and Reiss were all nice enough in thier criticsim of the guy, but sitll very much understandably pissed off. .and i’m with them. 

It gave what’s again, my faviorite episode and what is not a “30 minute add” but an episode that easily stands on it’s own and also you know, pokes fun at itself for being a crossover a few times. You don’t need to see the critic to enjoy it, and episodes most iconic gags, Boo-Urns, Man Getting HIt by a Football, Senior Speilbergo, all don’t involve jay. And again the shows were not at all dismilar: While the critic was it’s own thing it still had the simpsons sense of humor and pacing so I saw it more as a petty rant against having a crossover in general more than a legit critcisim. Especially since Groening had no such complaints decades later with the family guy crossover after both shows had all tehir talent surgically removed and had the gall to NOT remove a cheap shot at Bob’s Burgers. And yes i’m still bitter about seeing that in a promo for the special, Bob’s Burgers is fantastic, to the point that now, in a fabulous case of history repeating itself, it’s got it’s OWN show like the critic made by talented former crew members using a similar but sitll throughly unique comedy style , The Great North. My point is that controversy pisses me off, and The Great North is spectacular go watch it while you read this. 

So yeah the Critic is awesome, me and Kev are both fans, and there are plenty of romantic episodes abound as the show digs into Jay’s love life quite a few times and has episodes about his son’s first love, his boss finding a wife towards the end of the series, his parents rekindling their spark and in what’s easily my faviorite episode, his sister dating a grunge rocker. So there was no shortage of choices but the choice made was brilliant.. and i’m not saying that because i’m being paid to, as my review of splatter phoenix’s first episode in darkwing duck and woops should show, paying me does not guarantee that I have to LIKE what your paying me to review. But here I did and he pointed out the first episode of each season, with season two being a soft reboot that while keeping the premise and supporting cast changed a few things around and added two new main characters, and both involve jay finding a new love intrest and intorduce a lot of the cast. I found him to be right, so where we are and after the cut i’ll dive into the good and bad of both episodes and see what changed inbetween seasons. 

That gag will make sense.. later. Right now it’s time for our very first episode, the show’s very first episode as you could probably tell by the title. 

Pilot:  The pilot starts with Jay getting touched up by his Makeup Person Doris. Jay is played by legendary comedian John Lovitz, who this show gave me a deep and lasting appreciation for. Lovitz was at the time best known for his 5 year long stint on SNL, and film wise is best known for Three Amigos, the Brave Little Toaster, The Wedding Singer and Rat Race. Sadly while I do geninely love the guy.. he has been in enough crap to destroy the New York Sewer system, as everyone needs money and sadly not everyone appricates the talents of John Lovitz like I do. 

So naturally he’s also been in The Stepford Wives remake, Grown Ups 2, The Ridiculous 6, Eight Crazy Nights, North, Benchwarmers and Benchwarmers 2: Breaking Balls. Yes that’s an actual movie, though it’s already better than the first one for virtue of not having Rob Schnider and David Spade starring in it despite.. that title. The irony is not lost on me that Lovitz has essentially made his money starring in the kinds of films Jay was forced to see for his job.  Still a VERY talented, very lovely man.

Before we get to our next voice actor up, no profile of Jon would be complete without mentioning that time he slammed Andy Dick’s face into a bar. To make a very long story short, Lovitz was friends with the late great Phil Hartman, who even did some voice work for this very show, whose wife who had severe drug and mental ilness killed them both. Phil had told Lovitz he saw Dick give his wife cocaine, so after Phil’s tragic murder when Lovitz and Dick ended up on the same show, Lovitz ended up exploding at the guy out of grief and blamed him for her death, but later apologized like a gentleman.  Living up to his name though Dick later went up to Lovitz at a restraunt Lovitz owned and said “I’m giving you the Phil Hartman curse, you die next”. Granted he was drunk but still...

Naturally Lovitz banned the guy and Lovitz later demanded an apology when the two ran into each other when they ran into each other at Lovitz regular gig at the comed store. Dick not only refused to apologize even when Lovitz put him against a wall, but said it was because “you blamed me for her death”... which was a decade ago with change by this point, the actions of a man GREIVING for his best friend whose wife’s relapse you caused which inadveradntly lead to her and her husband’s death, and something HE APOLOGIZED FOR. Naturally Lovitz took this how you would and did what we’d all like to do in general and broke the shit out of his face and only didn’t do more because they were seperated. IN short this man is a hero and I wil lbring up this story at every opportunity.  Doris was played by the late voice actress Doris Grau, a script supervisor who worked on a LOT of films as one , the most notable I could find on wikipedia being Clue. This is a fact I just learned today but boy if it isn’t neat. Grau mostly did aditional voices for shows, most notably Ducktales and the Simpsons, where she played Lunchlady Doris, and of course this show. Still she seemed like a very funny and talented woman and it’s sad she’s gone.  The two start the series mostly sniping at each other and while that never ENTIRELY goes away, Doris gets more supportive after a spotlight episode where she and Jay bond and Jay thinks she might be his mom. And while she’s not this surprisingly sticks and for the rest of the series while still not above making potshots at him on occasion, she’s far more supportive. She also informs him she’s out of spray on hair “I’m bald and ugly, get more!”. This show is naturally comedy gold and a lot of it relies on Lovitz sense of timing, though the rest of the cast aren’t slouches but we’ll get to them as we go.  She ends up putting a hat over him and we get our first film parody, Rabbi PI starring Anuld, which is alright. Not one of the series best but passable and gets the gimmick of having film parodies on jay’s show across, which was a nice way to set it apart from the Simpsons. Jay reviews it on the Shermometor, a gimmick jay hates and that disappeared by season 2, giving it a bellow zero to the ire of his boss Duke Phillips.  Duke is one of the best parts of the show, an unhinged southren billlonare who was a modeled after Ted Turner, down to the mustache, who built up his fried chicken franchise into a multimedia congrlomorate and is also mildly nuts, though that part would be more of a thing in season 2. In season 1, he’s mostly there to make Jay’s life hell, with about half of the seasons episodes having him either fire jay or put his job in jeapordy versus 2 the next season. He’s still not unfunny, but most of his best stuff is in season 2 when Charles Napier’s allowed to cut loose a little more and the character wasn’t shoehorned into just being a clueless executive.  Charles Napier is a longtime character actor who showed up in TONS of films and tv shows too many to list.. and trust me with some of the lists of credits before and after this that’s saying something, his biggest voice rolls being in this series and Men and Black the Series as Zed. But needless to say he was ALWAYS this awesome and sadly passed in 2011.  Jay’s guest for the day is Valerie Fox, an up and coming actress whose first film kiss of death is coming out soon.. and whose age is an engima and it’s only a problem because if she’s 20, like the episode mildly suggests giving her starting career and her voice actress being that age, then this gets really gross as jay is 17 years older than her then. But given she looks older than that and sounds certainly older than that, i’m going more with 30, since she looks more like it, and sharon stone, who she’s mildly based on given she stars in a basic instinct knockoff and does the leg thing, was 32 at the time of basic instinct.  Valerie is voiced by Jennifer Lien, aka Kes from star trek voyager who I only know about because of reviews done by SF Debris and Allison Pregler. She was the childlike love intrest of Nelix, the ship’s resident pain in the audience asses who made them BEG for early seasons wesley crusher and who once, and I saw footage this wasn’t SF Debris exagreated, lunged at a crewmate in a jealous rage, unfounded by the way since Tom was AVOIDING kes depsite being attracted to her as he just wnated her to be happy and to not mess up her relationshpi, and screamed “i’ll kill you!”. Point is she hasn’t had a huge career, but was still worth noting and does a fantastic job here. Again I did not realize she was that young at the time by her voice, and that means she did a great job. 

So Jay’s smitten with her, finds her super attractive and she asks him out.. but to the show’s credit, and Jay’s he does try to rebuff her because he knows ther’es a conflict of intrest there.. but ends up giving in. However at least the show not only is upfront that there’s an issue here but that ends up being the thrust of the last act. Granted there’s still some.. questionable stuff like when she does the basic instinct leg cross and he says “can we get a shot of that”, which no.. Jay.. no you can’t. Ewwww. Seen far worse, like It’s Pat, which was a VERY real SNL sketch about people trying to guess the titular pat’s gender because that’s not creepy or invasive even for the time. And they made a movie out of it because Wayne’s World was popular forgetting that Wayne’s World, one of my faviorite movies by the way and one I need to cover here sometime this year now the thought’s occured to me, was a labor of love, with a talented director and actual ideas from it’s two leads who actually fleshed out the character versus a concept that was NEVER funny to begin with and has gotten down right horrifying with age. And wasn’t I talking about the Critic? Not the abusive jackass mind you, Jay Sherman. 

Ah yes so Jay takes Valerie to a date at Lane Riche, the rich jackass where we meet Vlada, a vaugely european man whose your typical hollywood suckup. As Jay puts it in a later episode  Vlada: I love you too Jay: You only love my money Vlada: That’s true but it is a love that will never die.  He also naturally scoots Jay to a less nice table in the Critic’s section once Conan O’Brian shows up... which WAS supposed to be a different kind of joke, as at the time Conan was just a writer on the simpsons and SNL, but now given he has a decades long career in late night and famously said fuck you to NBC during that whole Tonight Show debacle, which netted him his own show on TBS, it comes off more as the kind of self deprciating gag Conan makes about himself. So in other words it’s actually funnier now? 

As for the critic’s section that’s a part of the series I’ve neglected to talk about so let’s do that: The kind of critic Jay is, one who plays clips of the movie and reviews them.. on television. And were usually academics who looked down on popular film, the kind Siskel and Ebert popularized, and both suprisingly had a huge guest apperance in season 2 and even reviewed the show on their show. This kind of film criticism just dosen’t exist on tv that i’m aware of anymore, and mostly lives on with internet reviewers , many of whom were inspiried by critics like this, and who range from acadmeics to average joes to some mixture of both. It never went away just simply went to a younger generation. Some of which squandred it and somehow still have a career like certain abusuive jackasses i’ve mentioned enough with that one gag a few paragraphs ago. Point is it’s a much more varied and different game now so the critic ended up as one of those shows or movies where the main characters very job feels like an artifact of it’s time, like our heroes in Wayne’s World hosting a public acess show, when nowadays they’d just put it up on youtube or the entire idea of a UHF station in well.. UHF. It’s not a BAD thing, just something to note. 

But the date goes well as Valerie shows she’s really into jay and even takes him oggling her in stride, though we do get an utter classic of a gag when Jay says something about women being drawn to him.. and cue an old woman asking to rub his nonexistant hump for luck “You hunchbacks are all alike”. She does so anyway to his understandable annoyance. 

But the two go back to Jay’s place, talk about his acomplishments including a pulitzer and then well.. the obvious happens they go to bed together and the next day after Valerie is horrified at his just woke up fac,e he gives her an easy out but she’s fine with it. It honestly shows just how low the poor guy’s self esteem is that he just.. assumes a woman will regret having slept with hima nd walk out and while played for laughs it really gives a clear look into Jay’s mental state: He’s so full of self loathing, not helped by the world being out to get him, that it’s really oddly endearing. And VERY releatable.  The two are interupted by Jay’s son Marty. Marty is played by the very recognizable and very wonderful Christine Cavanagh, who sadly passed away in 2014. She voiced Chuckie Finster, Gosalyn Mallard, Oblina, Dexter from Dexter’s Lab and the titular pig from Babe. She decided to retire in 2001, so while her career was only about a decade she made quite the impact and is sorely missed. Unsuprisingly her usual voice is perfect for the very awkward Marty, who Jay asks to tell eveyrone about the beautiful woman in his bed especially his unfaithful and utterly loathsome ex wife ardith. 

This scene demonstrates two problems. The first is just the pilot as Jay’s kind of sleazy. While Jay being thirsty wouldn’t go away, especially in the episode Lady Hawke, it’d be made more awkwardly endearing. Here there are moments of him just plain being creepy like the aformentioned oggling, which while not bad in itself, if a bit awkawrd, also has him creepily muttering to himself while doing so which removes any charm or relatability and just sends it straight into needing 10 showers just to wash this scene off. The rest of the series would just turn him into a bit desperate at worst.  It also explains why the only other romantic story the guy has in the season is a pastiche of misery. Thanfully this would be GREATLY adjusted next season but we’ll get to that. 

The other problem is just the tone... we get a good half a minute of Marty talking about how he calls Ardith’s boyfriend “Uncle Al” because he likes him a lot.. to his dad’s face. And granted his dad is being creeptastic this episode but the early episodes just pile on the Jay hatred by the world a bit thick, to the point one episode puts him as “worse than hitler”. Granted the audience is full of idiot teens who have no idea who hitler is, and the gag is kinda funny, but it makes my point: Jay is just utterly shat on by the world, and while he does get a few wins, most are undercut by something awful and it gets taxing sometimes. The guy is just too loveably pathetic to hate, too relatable even as a teen and not snobish enough to be really loathsome or WANT to see him knocked down by the world. It’s not overwhelming enough to ruin the first season, it still has good episodes but this episode does highlight a LOT of these problems.  He does get to spend the day with val though, dancing outside the trump buliding, seriously even back then he was a joke and his lack of money half the time was well known.. how did the last four years happen, and they tell each other they love each other. I’d aww if I didn’t know how this ended.  So jay relates the good news of how he feels to his best friend, Jeremy Hawke, played by Maurice LaMarche. LaMarche is one of the most talented voice actors alive, a master of impersonations paticuarlly orson welles, who was naturally brought on board because they knew they were going to need a lot of celebrity voices for the film parodies and needed one or two guys to do them to keep it cheap. The guy is like most of this cast a legend in the industry, having voiced the Brain, Squit, Dizzy Devil, the Human Ton, Big Bob Pataki, Egon Spengler, Sleet,  Kiff Kroker, Headless Body of Agnew, Morbo, Various other Futurama characters because that list is long, Mortimer Mouse, Blue Falcone, Father, Yosemite Sam, Vincent Van Ghoul, Doctor Doom, Abradolf Lincler, and Odval. Point is the guy has been engranged in my childhood and adulthood and will probably even after he’s gone come back from the grave to do some voices. He even got the part of Jeremy Hawke here because he happened to do a REALLY good australian accent depsite not being australian. Jeremey was a combination of paul hogan, the star of the Crocodile Dundee movies and at the time sex symbol and at this time known anti semite Mel Gibson. Obviously neither of those refrences has aged paticuarlly well, but since hollywood ALWAYS has room for a super hunk from australia, just ask Chris Hemsworth or before him Hugh Jackman, the character still works and his breakout role, Crocodile Ghandi is so ludcrious it works. I.e. a white australian man playing the mahtma and saying before he brings peace “First a tasteful shot of my bum for the ladies. Jeremy, while sometimes increidbly oblvious, is still a fairly nice easygoing guy and an extremley loveable character. And whie Jay worries about Valrie meeting him because he’s sex on a cracker she ignores him and jay gloats for a bit, paticuarlly with the great bit “take your genatalia right back to australia”. And while Jeremy’s happy for him he tries to reign Jay in when Jay talks asking her to marry him.  As Jeremy later relates on Jay’s fire escape “Bubala, i’ve learned there’s two things you should never do: Marry an actress and wear blackface to the naacp image awards. Two things I found out the hard way. “

So Jay takes her to meet his parents and finds out he’s adopted.. and their also rich. Jay’s waspy parents are his cold and overly honest mother Elanor, played by  Judith Ivey, his kooky dad and THE best part of the series Franklin played by Gerrit Grahm and his loving and free spirited teenager sister Margo played by Nancy Cartwright.  Okay (cracks knuckles) here. we. go. Judith Ivey is a tony wining stage actress and has also directed numerous plays and is mostly known for her stage work but I know her from Designing Women where she played BJ in the last season. Garret Grahm apparently shows up in a lot of brian depalma movies, including Beef in phantom of the paradise, a lot of tv work and to my shock the asshole dad from Child’s Play 2. Another thing I genuinely love I wasn’t aware an actor or actress from this series had a part in.  Finally there’s Nancy Cartwright, who you DEFINTELY know from the Simpsons, where she plays Bart, along with Nelson, Ralph, Kearny, Database, and Maggie, and Kearny. Other credits include Pistol Pete, Mindy from Animaniacs, Chuckie Finster picking up for Christine Cavanagh ironically enough, Lu and Rufus from Kim Possible. She’s a talented lady and i’m glad sh’es still around. Whew. 

Okay so yeah I do love the shermans and fraknlin is again easily the best part of an already excellent series and unlike Duke that’s in full display here, with him saying, when his wife mentions they were going to give jay back at one time, “Son if I’ve said it once I said it a thousand times.. who are all you people. “ and he’d only get better. Sadly he’s NOT in sherman woman and child. Our loss really. But he’s in pretty much every other episode of season 2 thankfully and most of this season so eh, fair trade off. Also we get the classic line, after Jay says he’ll love valrie even when he’s decaying in the ground, his mom quips “Cna’t we go one meal without talking about your rotting corpse?” Though Eleanor understandably thinks Valarie is using jay for a good review. Margo suspects her of the same and takes her on a horse ride, though all she can gleam is that Val genuielly loves jay and welcomes her to the family.  Jay however does decide to duck out of the inteview by faking sick, which leads to a really sweet moment where Valerie visits him and they dance, in a hilaroius but oddly sweet parody of Beauty and the Beast, Beauty and King Dork. Despite the title and the song insluting him a LOT it’s still just endearing. This is a problem but we’ll get to in just a moment WHY all these touching moments are a problem.  So naturally things don’t go that well for Jay as Duke has a tape of the film sent to him “My shrink was right: GOd does hate me!”

Naturally kiss of death is bad and valrie is bad in it and Jay is left uncertain what to do, but eventually decides he has to do what he feels is right,.. though he does take a picture of her while she’s sleeping. “In case you do leave”

So in a tender and heartbreaking moment Jay is honest, the movie does suck and she’s not good but he does compliment her, for her personality not her body despite his skeevy behavior and say she could get better. Instead when he arrives home.. she dumps him to his face and leaves never to be seeen again while he assumes she’ll come back. And that’s the issue it’s GENUINELY hard to tell if we’re supposed to side with Jay. On one hand he genuinely loves her and does the right thing and on the oth er he’s kinda creepy. It’s a mixed tone that just sorta hurts thing and something the series DID fix after this, as it found a better ballance of the guy being pitable while also still being an ass and ONLY usually being punished when he does something actually wrong, the only exception being Dial M for MOther which is easily the weakest episode of the series. The episode does close on a really funny moment as Jay’s dispondent because “I’m sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I don’t knwo where to direct it”. Marty mentions a new Sylvester Stallone movie where “He plays a concert pianst who” And jay dosen’t even need the rest of that to shout “To the multiplex!” The man is back

Final Thoughts for Pilot: This episode is not bad. It has it’s flaws as I said, mostly in tone, but the series would iron that out and it’s still a great pilot that organically introduces the entire main cast in one episode and really gives us the full idea of who Jay Sherman is. It’s also REALLY funny, as the series should be and it would get better, but i’d still put it over some more awkward first episode like Letterkenny’s “No Reaosn to Get Excited”, even with it’s brilliant ending or Bojack Horseman’s first episode  whose title is way too long to put here in an article that’s already long as hell about about to get longer. But like those series this pilot worked pass the awkwardness and the result is a damn good series. but if you want a better idea of what it became.. wellllllll

Sherman, Woman and Child: So yeah as you can tell JSUT by contrasting images a few things were changed up between seasons, part of it at network instance. The designs were softened , the color palette was brightened with jay being the most noticably alterted between seasons. 

The execs wanted jay a bit warmer, so his face was given wider more expressive eyes and was also scrucnehd down a bit. He was also made slightly less of a jackass, with his elitisim toned down a bit and his creepeir moments gone. For instance he no longer had a split personality/imaginary secretary named ethel. That was actually a thing. It didn’t even really change Jay as a person, this very episode mentions him not liking the Lion King, and he’s still snooty, he’s jusst not as punchable about it and that was for the best.  But the cringe comedy in general was taken down a peg and replaced with more fun weirdness, which wihle present in season 1 really pops more here, especially with Jay’s dad who sadly dosen’t show up in this episode, but at various points dresses up like El Kabong, puts on the mask from the mask (”He did the same thing at Nixon’s funeral”), and blows up famous works of art while babysitting. But yeah things get a bit more surreal like the simpsons from season 4 onward, ironically enough given these guys left to make their own show, and it’s to the show’s benefit. 

But besides a lighter tone, they also wanted two things to hook viewers in: A permenant love intrest for Jay, and an adorable kid character. The former.. was acutlaly quite resonable, as i’td both give jay a “win” as it were, allow the cast to have another femlae character and give him someone else to confide in besides Doris or Jeremy, to give those characters a break. The other was less so and we’ll get into why when we meet her. 

This episode really is a second pilot, reintroducing about half of the main cast. Marty, Elanor, Margo and as I said Franklin are all absent. But their reintroduced soon enough with the fourth episode in both broadcast and dvd order, and my personal faviorite “A Song for Margo, is entirely focused on Jay’s parents and sister, while Lady Hawke has marty breifly at the start for broadcast order and he’s in the frmaing device for Sherman of Arabia in dvd order. So the characters all get a proper reintroduction to new audiences, but it was the right call to NOT shove them into this one, still introducing new people to the new cast, but letting the two new additions to it breathe and get properly intergrated into this universe.. well more Alice than Penny but we’ll get to that. It’s part of why, besides the genuine extra coat of polish aand seasonal changes I feel this is the better episode. 

So we open with Jay on his show and two parodies in a row. The first is a few good men but with Jack Nichelson making fun of Christan Slater for sounding like him even though. they honestly aren’t too similar other than both doing that pause thing a bit. So yeah not their best but the second segment makes up for it “The Nightmare Before Channukah” a parody of the nightmare before christmas that was so beautifully animated and funny, that they actually bumped it up to the season premiere.  But while the parodies are good Jay’s show is once again, this happened a LOT in season one, in jeapordy, being beaten by the Benedictine monk variety hour. Which while the Bendictine Monks are VERY much an artifact of the 90′s a choir of monks that somehow went mainstream, the whole segment is so absurd and wonderful it stands on it’s own and is still funny to me in 2021. Duke comes in anda fter trying to softball things shows the change I mentioned: He’s actually sorry the show is in danger and is genuinely sincere that he’s sad he’ll probably have to cancel it versus season 1 where he was ready to cancel it what felt like every other episode. And I prefer this, where he can still mess with jay or flex his power over him, but is more cordial with the guy and it allows more jokes between the two. 

So Jay’s not doing so good.. and during his crappy day he spots a 30 something woman and her young daughter struggling in the rain and stops his cab to help. And gets maced for it “MMM, Jalapeno”. Though Alice does apologize and Jay does understand as it is New York and she graciously takes the offer. It’s in the cab their properly introduced. Aliice thompkins and her daughter penny who in a great bit punches jay in the nose for not liking the lion king (”rex reed did the same thing”) and then kissing him on the nose in apology (”Rex did that too” And he acompanies them in.. and also gets conked on the head by a potted plant and put in a materinity dress. 

So we get to know Alice and what her deal is: Alice was once married to and supported the career of country star Cyrus Thompkins who was.. less than subtle in his music about how faithful he was

Easily one of my favorite gags of the series if in part for Pat Overall’s delivery. So she moved from Knoxville to New York to prove to her daughter a woman can make it on her own, and proves she’s smart, talented and driven she just needs a break. She seemingly gets one in a man in a bright white outfit who says “this is your ticket out of this rundown flophouse” only for him to cheerfully exclaim “Your being evicted!”... PFFFTT. Cue where the commerical would be

So during this lull in the action let’s talk about Alice and Penny’s voice actresses: Alice is voiced by Park Overall, though for some weird reason I thought she was voiced by Hollly Hunter. Dunno why. Park is an outspoken liberal, supporting my boy bernie sanders in 2016 and in general seems like a fascenating lady. Naturally like with Jay’s parents I know her from something more oddly specific, the sitcom Reba, as I did not realize she voiced alice depsite using a similar voice for her character there, Reba’s best friend Lori Ann.. And while Park TRIED her best.. the character didn’t work out: a combination of it being simply funnier that barbra jean tried to wedge herself into the roll and the fact Reba really didn’t need a horny abrasive sidekick meant the charcter had a very short shelf life and the audience had very low patience for her.  I did like her constnatly insulting Brock as he was not a good person andi t was nice SOMEONE besides Reba actually got to roast him on a regular basis. 

Penny was voiced by the one and only Russi Taylor, who sadly passed in 2019. She voiced Huey Dewey and Louie, Webby Vanderquack, Minnie Mouse, Fantasma, the imcomprable martin prince...

Among tons of smaller rolls. She’s sadly missed. We’ll get more into what they add or subtract from the show in a minute, as the next day at work Jay wonders how to help, though Duke’s interjection gives us two great gags: his “30 second workout” which involvees throwing jay around like a medicine ball and.. well this. 

The man is a legend for a reason. He earned that golden statue. So Jay TRIES slipping alice the money only to give it “To my good friend crazy postman”, and Alice refuses the money due to pride.. even if you know, she has a small child and new york is expensive but Jay finds a better solution, hire her.. even if it’d make it impossible for them to date. For all of one episode. What keeps the power dynamics from feeling EUGUUUUGGHH here is that Jay treats alice like an equal partner at work and dosen’t let their relationship really impact things outside of one episode, and dosen’t use his position to get into a relationship with her nor does she use being responsible for a turn in his fortune for hers. 

And yes turn in fortune, as a makeover and a change of attidue under Alice’s direction, which is utterly amazing to watch and wow’s duke and hte audience, wins back his fans and his job is secure. Duke meets alice and we get more great duke stuff. including something truly iconic...

I want bears who sing for me, doo dah, doo dah. But yeah things are well though Jay ends up admitting to Jeremy he can’t stop thinking about her “Her merest smile is like pedals of the empreror’s bathwater, BATHWATER I TELL YOU BATHWATER. “ So Jeremey encourages him carpe canum “Seize the dog”. He does so.. and the day but instead finds Alice with her ex Cyrus whose trying to win her back. Wuh oh.  Once the asshole leaves, and agrees to give her the night to think, Alice admits the only reason she’s considering it is she has a weakness: his singing melts her like butter on a bagle (”God i’ve been in new york too long”. )  Jay tries to talk her out of it at the critics meeting for “Dennis the Meance II Society” which involves Dennis pulling a drivebye on mr wilson.. why wasn’t this the second live action dennis the meance movie? WHY I ASK YOU. But Jay gets a good idea, as Alice TRIES to tell the asshole to get to stepping (And to see penny often, she’s not a monster), he works his evil song magic.. only for Jay to undercut it with his own amazing song on acordian. “Cyrus is just a virus, he wants to tie you down while your still young. Your potetial, is what’s essential, you could someday be another connie chung!” And that ultiamtely shows WHY jay is the better man. He just wants what’s best for her and dosen’t care if it’s him, he just wants it not to be THIS asshole. He’s not even trying to win her over, which a lot of these gestures creepily lead to. He just wants to help her be who she’s MEANT to be. And that’s why this works better: Instead of a fake relationship built on lust and someone conning the other person, it’s a real one built on genuine chemistry. Also Alice you know dosen’t just.. vanish after an episode but is a permenant part of the cast. I mean she does for the webisodes but we don’t talk about those. 

So our hero undercuts Cyrus one more time  Cyrus: “Loverrrr, without you there’s no other” Jay: Give him a chance he’ll do your mother....

I mean he’s not worng, So Cyus is sent packing and we get a nice romantic moment between the two. 

Final Thoguhts: Sherman, Woman and Child This one is truly excellent. It relaunchs the show on all cyllanders. And frankly Alice was a fine addition to the cast: her own fully fleshed out woman with her own personality outside of jay, who was tough, smart and a good counterpoint and confidant to Jay and it felt like she’d always fit. Penny on the other hand, apologizes to the late Russi Taylor who tries her best, just dosen’t work and feels ultra cloying and out of place in the series and unspurisingly is barely used after this. But overall a better pilot than the actual pilot was already pretty good and a fine pair of episodes. Check em out whenever the series eithe rgets on a streaming platform or pops back up on youtube as Sony’s struck it down... despite not putting it up anywhere i’m aware of. Seriously sell it to HBO Max or Disney I want a reboot. But for now this series is awesome check it out and until the next rainbow, it’s been a pleasure. 

[statusquoergo]

would really like to hear your thoughts on pja/mike coming back cause honestly, i’m not sure how i feel about it. it will be nice to have him back that’s for sure but with the turns this show’s took i’m slightly worried what they are gonna do with it. somehow i just can’t bring myself to be excited anymore.

Hm…Well, let me start off by saying I think it’ll be nice to see Mike again. I’mnot saying the episode will do him right, but I think the moment that heappears, assuming they don’t completely fuck it up, will have that sweetnostalgia factor that comes with favorite characters who’ve gone their own wayreturning for a guest spot. Remember when Jessica came back for Mike’scharacter and fitness hearing? She hadn’t even been gone long, but it was so coolto see her show up! “Hey, I know that person!”

Ofcourse, Mike will most certainly play a bigger role in this coming episode thanJessica did in “Character and Fitness” (s06e16)…although I don’t think it’smuch of a reach to say that whatever this case is that requires Mike, a lawyerwho is based in Seattle, to trek all the way to New York, which is on literallythe opposite side of the country and has plenty of locally practicingattorneys, will be at best a flimsy pretense. But based on the fact that Season8 went out of its way to demonstrate how far apart Harvey and Mike have grownand how much Harvey has adopted Mike’s values and habits as a means of dealingwith his absence (e.g., Harvey taking on Mike’s former client Max as he triedto prove his best friend and business partner hadn’t betrayed him [s08e02],helping Anna the cleaning woman whose mother needed an operation she couldn’tafford [s08e03], calling Mike’s voicemail after the Pavonotti case[s08e13]), two possible outcomes occur to me:

One,those adaptations will be dialed back or ignored outright and Harvey will fightlike hell to win the case no matter what, regardless of the fact that Mike isback, because he hasn’t spent the past year or whatever trying and failing tofill the hole Mike’s absence has created in his heart, what the hell are youtalking about, get out of here with your “evidence-based reasoning.” Two factorswhich might come into play here are Harvey treating Mike as his equal as a signof respect (the student has become the master), and the erasure of Harvey’sMike-related grief by way of his new relationship with Donna.

Two,those adaptations will be magnified, and Harvey and Mike, having become muchmore similar in terms of their values systems than they were at the start ofthe show, will ultimately work toward the same end of finding justice for themore morally upstanding party, regardless of which of them is defending him (orher, or them, or it; I have no idea what kind of case this is going to be).Based on Korsh’scomment that “They are on opposite sides but it doesn’t gettoo testy for the first chunk of it, and then as it ratchets up, things get alittle bit more heated,” this seems unlikely, but I suppose one never does knowwith this show.

One small caveat to the above: in light of the events of the Season 8 finale,Harvey might start the case off as his old hard-hearted self, defending hisclient regardless of moral and ethical shortcomings, only for Donna to pop inat the last moment to remind him to “do the right thing.” Maybe with a fivecents extra side helping of Guilt, if Mike’s abrupt return has somehow put himon the defensive. I hope this doesn’t happen, I really do, but it did cross mymind, so I feel like I have to put it out there.

Now, as I mentioned, I have no idea what the nature of this case willbe, nor what this episode will be about in full, but if you’ll permit me onemore moment of idealism, Korshalso said of the story: “There is more than meets the eye going on.”While I don’t trust Korsh as far as I can throw him, this does make me wonderif Mike and/or Harvey is lying about or otherwise hiding something, becausethat has the potential to be a very interesting narrative.

I would argue, based on his depiction in the first half of Season 8,that Harvey was essentially in mourning after Mike’s departure, and I’m beinggenerous when I call their farewells at the end of Season 7 unsatisfying, so ifHarvey and Mike suddenly meet up again, especially if it’s a surprise(it won’t be, Korsh said that Mike knows Harvey is involved when he signs on,but imagine the possibilities), an erosion of trust between them could play outin quite a captivating way. The foundation is already there; Mike didn’t tellHarvey about moving his and Rachel’s wedding date until the last possiblemoment, nor did he tell him that they were moving to Seattle, and as far as weknow, he didn’t return Harvey’s phone call about the Pavonotti case. He’s goingabout it terribly, but Mike is “outgrowing” Harvey, whereas for Harvey, Mike’sdeparture is death by a thousand cuts, some of them self-inflicted. They’ve gota lot to talk about.

Yeah, let’s be real, if this even sort of happens, it’ll take at leasta three-episode arc to play out properly. Nice to think about, though.

Puttingaside my wild conjecture, from a business perspective, Mike’s return does kindof make sense. I mean narratively it’s almost guaranteed to be a disaster—Korshasserts that they tried “to put some fun scenes and some emotionalscenes with Mike and the old gang,” as if they can all get right back to theirold dynamics and everyone will conveniently forget that Mike left withoutwarning and kind of really fucked them over—but speaking logistically, it hasall the hallmarks of a ratings grab.

For one thing, the show’s ratings are tanking,down from an average of 4.28M viewers in Season 1 to 1.02M in Season 8. For another, Season 8 is spent laying the foundation for the exactopposite of this happening. Harvey is shown to be, as I said, in a form ofmourning; Donna spends the first four episodes reminding Harvey that Mike isgone and not coming back; Mike goes from as many as 10 mentions per episode (episode3) to as few as zero (episode 5, 7, 10, 12). Harvey has moved on (ostensibly), theshow has moved on, and suddenly he’s coming back for…reasons? In its advertising, USAis trying to maximize the momentum of this being Suits’ final season,and publicizing now that Mike is coming back in episode 5 means thatthey can tease it until then to keep people invested until at least theseason’s halfway point.

Actually, there’s one more thing I want to bring up, speaking of Mikein Season 8. The first four episodes focus emphatically on the fact that Mikeis gone and Harvey misses him (e.g., “Is there a chance that you’reoverreacting to Mike having just left?” [s08e01]; “You meant a lot to Mike,which means you mean a lot to me” [s08e02]; “I just thought, ‘What would Mikedo?’” [s08e03]; “Donna, I might be missing Mike, but I’m not Mike” [s08e04]). Episode5 is a Mike dead zone, episode 6 gives us “Everyone leaves: Mike, Rachel,Jessica, my sister-in-law,” and then a funny thing starts to happen: Mike stopsbeing a person people miss, and starts being a point of reference. Aside fromthe phone call at the end of episode 13, most mentions of Mike in the secondhalf of the season are either about Mike’s prison sentence, and how hard it wason Harvey, or Mike’s secret, and how difficult it made life for everyone else.(Point of order, that was at least as much Harvey’s secret as it was Mike’s.)

Thereason this makes me nervous for Mike’s return in s09e05 is that, while we theaudience became invested in Mike as a character during his tenure on the show, he’sonly going to be back for a single episode (as far as we know), and not onlythat but one in which “there is more than meets the eye going on.” If this showhas any tact left at all, the conflict will be a multifaceted one, but it wouldbe jarring, to say the least, to see much of the narrative from Mike’s perspective—he’sa guest star, after all, a mere interloper in someone else’s territory—which meanswe’re probably going to see the majority of the action play out from Harvey’spoint of view. My fear is thus that Mike will be little more than an object, aconvenient shiny thing to throw our way to keep us engaged; we’ll be investedin him because we used to be, because we remember him as he was, even though henow deserves more criticism for his actions (or lack thereof) than support forwhat he might be thinking.

Of course, this is pure speculation on mypart; who knows, maybe Mike will come back and tie up all the loose ends heleft behind and we’ll all have a great time! (Well, we can hope…)

[astronoglow]

Jimmy Dean and Rowlf the Dog Photos.

The Jimmy Dean Show was an hour-long variety show hosted by country singer Jimmy Dean which aired on ABC from September 19, 1963 until April 1, 1966. Rowlf the Dog was a regular on the show, billed as Jimmy’s “ol’ buddy.” Between 7-10 minutes of every show were devoted to a spot with Rowlf and Dean. Many of the comedy sketches ended with Rowlf and Jimmy singing a duet together. Rowlf’s tenure on The Jimmy Dean Show allowed Jim Henson, for the first time, to develop an original character over a period of time. In addition to providing national exposure for the Muppets, it also brought a steady source of income that allowed Henson to develop and finance other projects.

Henson also animated an opening sequence for the show which was never used. Footage was uncovered in the Henson Archives during a 2016 project in which a number of original materials had been transferred to high definition. The segment was screened as part of “Henson in High Definition: The Early Years” at Museum of the Moving Image on May 22, 2016.

ROWLF ON THE JIMMY DEAN SHOW

According to Dean’s autobiography, producer Bob Banner suggested that the show needed some sort of comedic character that Jimmy could interact with. Dean mentioned some coffee commercials that he enjoyed seeing while in Washington, D.C. The commercials turned out to be the work of Jim Henson, who was contacted and recruited for the program. Dean stated that the segments with Rowlf were one of the most popular parts of the show, and stated that Rowlf drew two thousand fan letters a week. Rowlf’s first appearance was meant to be a one-time guest appearance, which also featured a segment called “Cool Jazz”, featuring two pairs of hands performed by Jim Henson and Frank Oz.

Rowlf would become the first Muppet elevated to national stardom due to his role on The Jimmy Dean Show. The show was also Henson’s first major gig having to perform and interact in character with a live partner, rather than using pre-recorded tracks or short and tightly storyboarded commercials. Henson was trained by some “expert teachers” and veteran writers on The Jimmy Dean Show. Henson recalled the experience stating:

“They would work with me in terms of performance and the delivery of punch lines. Buddy Arnold was an old-fashioned sock-‘em joke person and you can learn a lot from those guys. You learn to put the funniest word at the end of the punch line, and you learn to deliver that line clean and sharp. If you stumble on your phrase, you’ve killed your laugh and the audience never knows it…So Jimmy Dean was great from a point of view of learning the craft, and Rowlf was the first solid, fully rounded personality we did.”

Aside from being exposed to a more disciplined comedy style, a deeper characterization, and live performing (all of which Henson would take into his later works), Henson also had the task of singing. Although Henson was musical, he did not think of himself as possessing silver vocal cords. The Jimmy Dean Show was the first showcase Henson had, singing in character, as almost all of the sketches with Rowlf and Jimmy ended in a song. Aside from using his voice to bring music to the show, on some occasions Rowlf would play the ukulele.

In typical Muppet fashion, Rowlf had a way of upstaging the star with ad-libbed quips and his exaggerated reactions and expressions to jokes and actions. Even early on, Henson would steal the scene and force Dean along for the ride. These kinds of moments would usually cause Dean to lose his composure, break character and laugh as Rowlf hammed it up. Jim Henson: The Works asserts that many of these moments were pre-planned and rehearsed by Jim Henson prior to the live performance; however, Dean was not always aware of them, or of how far Henson would go, prior to the act.

In his autobiography, Dean recalled in detail his feelings towards Rowlf and Henson:

“I treated Rowlf like he was real, but he was real to me, and I think that’s one of the reasons he made such an impression on everyone. Jim Henson himself said it was the reason Rowlf was such a hit… Rehearsals with Rowlf and his handlers were done in my office, and we’d always have a lot of fun clowning around. My secretary Willie loved Rowlf and would come in regularly to watch us work with the writers. Sometimes Rowlf and I would act like we were fighting, and on one occasion when we were joking and having one of our scuffles, I smacked his head and one of his eyeballs flew off. Well, when I did that, Willie screamed and ran out of the office, and you’d have thought that I’d mortally wounded somebody.

Henson and I not only had a good stage rapport with Rowlf but we enjoyed each other as friends too. One of my most prized possessions is a miniature Rowlf that he and Frank Oz made and gave me for Christmas one year. The puppet stands about twenty inches high, and when you lift him off of the stand, there’s Jim Henson standing there with his hand straight up in the air. It really is a well-made piece, and I wouldn’t take anything in the world for it.”

[pneumasthesia]

Chapter 8

D.     The young man

First Act – Affect: Part 3

 “Ah, now I remember!” I say, in mock reminiscence, “I was with someone else when the Professor’s gun went off.”

The young man grits his teeth audibly, resigning himself to what I’m about to say.

“I was with the irritable jackass over there” I say, pointing towards the sulking great detective, “In the servant’s quarters downstairs where we both heard the gunshot.”

“Is this true?” accuses the older man, his righteous fury turning towards the young man, “because if it is, then we can’t rule out the possibility that you two were conspiring to kill the Professor.”

The young man says nothing. Apparently, he’s not very good when put on the spot, or maybe he’s unwilling to lie even to save his own skin. I’m more inclined to believe it’s the former.

“Well, let’s see, can anyone corroborate this story?” asks the middle-aged woman. She turns to the young girl who’s been silent ever since her outburst upon first seeing the body.

“No … I didn’t see anything” meagerly states the young girl.

“Then, I suppose that alibi doesn’t amount to much” says the middle-aged woman with a tone of disappointment in her voice, the veracity of her tone completely undecipherable to me.

“We’ll need hard proof that one of you couldn’t have killed the Professor” states the older man unflinchingly, “especially that you couldn’t, ‘Pet’.”

Hard proof? I’m no detective and I doubt anyone here is, even if they think they are. We should really just wait until the police come, but now that everyone’s been worked up like this, who knows what they’ll do if we don’t find an answer soon. I just need to search a little harder. I need answers.

 May 31, 9:21 pm

 I need answers.

The Professor has been avoiding my questions the whole time I’ve been here, and I deserve to know.

What exactly is his assistant’s name?

I know I’ve seen him before and it’s on the tip of my tongue. I remember that it was six syllables split evenly 2-2-2 over his first, middle, and last names. That’s an awfully nice syllabic structure, so of course I’d remember it. I also remember that the number of letters in his names were five, four, and five, respectively. I remember that because it’s so incredibly disappointing that he has a consistent number of syllables across his names but not a consistent number of letters. If they were all five letters, then it would be so fitting for who he is. His parents didn’t even have the decency to give his name a consistent consonant-vowel-consonant-vowel etc. pattern for his whole name, only up to the end of his middle name. It’s especially difficult to remember because it’s one of those names that’s made entirely out of common first names, so I keep questioning whether or not I’m thinking of other people when I think about his name. If I just remember part of it, I’m sure-

“Sorry to keep you waiting. I just had something that I needed to do in the parlor” the Professor says to me, coming up the stairs to the second floor, out of breath and frantically stashing something behind his back.

“It’s no big deal” I lie, "I’m in no rush.”

“Yes, of course” he says, his breathing beginning to stabilize somewhat, “We’ll have plenty of time in this retreat to discuss these matters.”

“About the ‘retreat’, I was going to ask you about th-“ I sputter out before being interrupted.

“Can you be quiet for a second. I need to focus” Zero says impatiently. He pushes his reading glasses onto his nose and holds his face scarcely three centimeters away from the door to his study, scrutinizing a note pinned to the wooden door. The note has a three-digit combination on it, which the Professor reads, silently mouths to himself, and inputs into a padlock that connects the doorknob to a large nail unceremoniously sticking out of the adjacent wall.

It’s an awfully inelegant type of lock. I could hardly imagine the Professor that I remembered from when we were younger being able to stand something as sloppy as this. The nail that the lock is connected to could easily be removed by anyone with time and a tool. Not to mention that a padlock with only three digits is quite susceptible to being picked. However, much more important than those safety concerns is the fact that the combination for the lock is written out plainly on the door of the study for anyone to see. I first wondered if they were encoded in some way, but after watching the Professor unlock the lock himself, I am certain that they are not. I understand that his memory is fading with age so he needs to remind himself things like this, but what’s even the point of a lock if anyone who’d break into the place you’re trying to lock up could just read the combination?

“Don’t just stand there staring into space, come in so we can chat” says the Professor. How rude of you to treat me like an idiot when you yourself have set up the world’s most idiotic security system.

The Professor sits behind his large wood desk and fusses around, seemingly putting something away. I take the seat directly in front of the Professor’s desk because it’s the only seat available. When we’re seated like this, it makes it seem like I’m his patient and not his equal, though I’m sure that’s the intention.

“Why are you doing this experiment?” I say flatly.

“What experiment?” he says, that infuriating smile on his face.

“The ‘retreat’.”

“I already told you why; I want to help you people.”

“That’s not it.”

“Why can’t it be?”

“I know you. You’re not that kind.”

“That’s hurtful, old friend.”

“I’m not very kind either. I know that you’re just using these people as tools to advance your career.”

“We haven’t seen each other in years; you have no reason to believe that I haven’t had a change of heart.”

“Have you?”

He smiles his awful smile again. It always looks like he’s making fun of me when he does that, but now I’m 95% certain that he is.

“When I publish the results of this retreat, I could list you as a coauthor” he proposes.

Huh?

“I think it’s a good idea. Having the name of a sufferer of the condition in question attached to the paper will definitely lend some credibility to the findings. And I’m sure that a big finding like this will do a lot to revitalize your career. You might even finally get tenure” Zero offers, his characteristic valuelessness more present than ever.

I say nothing and walk out of the office. I refuse to consort with self-serving, false academics like that. The sciences are a pure, beautiful art form. They’re the only place that I can be myself. I will not have someone like that taint them any further with his greed.

I can feel a change coming from within me. My mind feels sharper than it has in a while, sharper than even before that fuzzy feeling overtook me at 8:00 pm today. I am focused. I am serene. For what seems like the first time since the war, I have a concrete goal in front of me. I will stop the Professor, no matter what.

 00:53:23

 “I said that I would understand you, no matter what. That includes putting you through painful memories like that.”

“…”

“Experiencing those painful thoughts, that betrayal, must be unpleasant for you. I give you my condolences, but I will not apologize.”

“……”

“Are you alright? Maybe that one got to you more than I expected- “

“It’s not that. I just didn’t realize that those thoughts belonged to him.”

“Who? That angry young man?”

“Yeah. I suppose I had an inkling that those thoughts might have belonged to him, but it’s strange to see so deeply into someone’s own inner mind like that, and to have it be someone that you’ve known makes it even more bizarre.”

“It’s not like you know him all that well. He’s basically a stranger to you.”

“And he’s not to you?”

“Of course not. He’s my best friend.”

“……………”

“Why do I feel like you’ve just lost all respect for me?”

“Because I have.”

“Aha! I do understand you!”

“Lucky guess. You don’t need to be a mind reader to tell that he’s an empty-headed douchebag. You can just look at him and see that.”

“What is it about his appearance that tells you that?”

“You know, his dandy, gaudy, little playboy clothes are the first thing anyone would notice when they see him and … wait a second, don’t tell me that the ‘pick-up artist’ you were getting advice from was that idiot.”

“OK then. I won’t tell you that.”

“You’ve certainly learned how to be an annoyance from him.”

“I’ve always been an annoyance at heart; I’ve just gotten better at expressing myself lately.”

“Can we move on before I have an aneurysm?”

“Of course, your health is very import- “

“Just get on with it without any jokes this time.”

“Fine. So if we can’t prove that the assistant was innocent by an alibi, then we’ll have to do so with some hard evidence.”

“Or we can let the guests string him up from a tree and execute him. What does it matter? It’s just in our heads.”

“That’s hurtful.”

“What? Do you expect someone like me to be nice?”

“Yes. Niceness is the natural state of all humans.”

“Hmph. Well whatever, you want me to play the detective in this memory theater of yours, then fine. As long as it gets this farce to end sooner.”

“That’s the spirit. But I take offense with you calling this a theater production of ‘mine’. You’re just as much the director as I am.”

“Get on with the show, stagehand.”

“Hahaha, good one!”

“…”

“Ahem, right, no jokes for this one; at least not from me. Alright, think carefully. This one might not make complete sense to you right now, but just go with your gut feeling. What prevented the assistant from killing the Professor in his study?”

 >Pick one:

A.    The Professor isn’t dead

B.     The study door was locked

C.    The Professor wasn’t in the study when the gunshot rang out

D.    The assistant was unconscious when the gun was shot