#his whole m.o. is to give people their deepest darkest desire

[hawnks]

one thing about this story is that im struggling to find the edge of how deeply fucked up a character can be before a reader starts to hate them

[dreamingsnowflake2013]

It would be unrealistic if Type didn’t struggle the way he does - not only is it his first serious relationship but also a relationship with a man, which is something he previously thought to be impossible. Frankly, it’s inevitable that he fucks up many times. Even people who’s been married for decades do that, much less a 20 year old boy who learns to be loved and love in return for the first time in his life. Everything is new for him - all these complicated, messy emotions and situations he’s to deal with, particularly the way they expose his own flaws, must be overwhelming him. On the other hand, there is Tharn, so well-adjusted and fuctional with his supportive and accepting family, emotionally and sexually experienced, but first impressions can be often deceiving and even he has his sorrows and dark secrets; some hidden pain brewing right under the surface.

When Type confronts Tharn about San, Tharn tells him that whenever he tells him anything, he doesn’t listen. He deliberately uses the word “listen” because there is a huge different between hearing, remembering and actually listening. It’s not that Type doesn’t care, on the contrary. He actually remembers everything, every detail Tharn ever told him about himself in the past (his love for Western food (he thinks about it in the restaurant with Puifai), his family, the car Thorn drives, the way he lost his virginity when he was 14,...) and notices all these little things about him, like the different ways he smiles. Even Type’s father immediately notes how his sons spends 2 minutes describing Tharn, including the contours of his face and the shape of his nose, while he didn’t bother to talk about his other friends in the past. However, he doesn’t really ask much about Tharn. At first, he hadn’t because he’s stubborn to show any sort of interest in him and then, when they became true lovers, he was so happy to be with Tharn, in their little piece of heaven where it seemed nothing could touch them. But the world and reality always intervene. It’s like a bubble which bursts with the entrance of an intruder who makes Type face and acknowledge his own shortcomings. Type DOES CARE a lot about Tharn, but he fails at listening to him, that is, UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECTING HIS FEELINGS.

He’s grown too much accustomed that Tharn would do anything for him - accept his temper, change himself for him, agree to his ridiculous excuses and give in to his demands, including keeping their relationship a secret. Tharn’s been giving, while he’s been constantly receiving, growing so used to it, that he keeps pushing for more, imposing his self-centered needs on Tharn. TYPE’S LOVE IS SELFISH, at this point. He makes everything about himself, which is apparent from the frequent use of the 1st person singular: “I’m hurt”, “I hate it”, “it pains ME”... It’s not that Type isn’t curious about Tharn or that he doesn’t ask about him, but he doesn’t ask about Tharn’s feelings. Tharn has always respected his wishes and boundaries and now it’s Type’s turn to do the same in return.

The issue isn’t really Type’s lack of in Tharn’s faithfulness, but rather his insecurities of not being good enough, of not comparing to the other men Tharn had been with. The actual root behind Type’s jealousy is his intense fear that Tharn and his love can be taken away for him. Having no prior experience with serious relationship, Type is overhelmed by his emotions for Tharn and everything it entails - how he loves and desires him so wholly, wanting him only for himself. He never expected that he would end up loving Tharn so much. Type has never been afraid to lose anyone or jealousy of anyone - until Tharn entered his life and became indispensable and vital to him, just like air for breathing or water.  He is in so deep that he can’t imagine losing him and being without him. Thus, when confronted with the possibility of losing him and he feels threatened by San, he panics and lashes out because that’s been Type’s M.O. since he’s 12 years old alone in the dark and no one came to save him.

The first signs of insecurity and jealousy appear when Type sees Tharn in a photo with a stranger standing next to him, holding his arm around Tharn’s neck by his side, on his birthday and at his home, but beside these two emotions he feels something else - regret. It should have been him on that photograph, smiling with Tharn and holding his hand. If only he weren’t stubborn, insecure and afraid to come when Tharn invited him. It’s truly a vicious circle. Later, when he finds San’s gift, the sting of jealousy grows stronger. The present is thoughtful and shows that the person truly knows Tharn. In that moment, Type feels like someone bested him and he hates that, and not even Tharn’s reassurance that he loves Type’s present can take away the hurt. When Type spots San walking by Tharn’s side, once again “stealing his place”, jealousy rears its ugly head even more and makes him blind to everything else, including how unfounded his insecurites and fears are. He only sees the person who could take Tharn away from him. So afraid is he of losing Tharn that he completely misses how Tharn forgets about San and starts smiling, beaming like a fool the moment he sees Type.

If looks could kill, San would be already dead. And I’m sure Techno would help Type bury the body the boy because he is so damn loyal to Type, it’s unreal. It’s another of those barely noticeable moments, but when San confronts Type and tells him that he’s Tharn’s first man, Type’s reactions is similar to how he reacts when there is a gay person near him - all tense and ready to fight - but this time he isn’t disgusted to be touched by a gay. It’s as if the fact that San’s a gay doesn’t matter at all; what matters that he has some sort of claim of Tharn and knows about him things Type doesn’t. Moreover, during the whole time he’s known San, Type doesn’t mention that San is gay even once, as if it were completely normal. It’s a sign that his homophobia is weakening even without him noticing. It’s important to realize that San’s immense knowledge is something he acquired over the span of 5 years, being the best friend of his brother and coming to their house regurlarly. In comparison, Type’s known Tharn for a relatively short time. Give him 4 more years, hell, after this, give him 1 months and he’ll be the biggest expert on Tharn throughout the known universe and until the end of time.

Type’s threats and forceful demands are nothing but desperate pleas which translate as: “I want to know everything about you. I want to know you like no one else does. I don’t want to feel like this ever again. I don’t want anyone else near you. I hate myself for not being good enough, for never treating you right.” While Tharn’s standing there, taking all that hurt of Type never caring about his feelings. The whole time, he’s trying so hard to control himself from saying something that could hurt Type, and with his heartfelt admission why he ate the sashimi, you realize that’s what he’s been doing since the moment he met Type (it all started when he kept from Type that he’s gay, resigning himself to a one-sided love so he wouldn’t impose his selfish desires on him), bottling everything up, taking himself out of the equation, never demanding anything and asking so very little from Type over the course of their relationship. That’s how much he’s afraid to lose him.

This is the first time, Tharn projects and reveals his own securities. Just like Type, he has his own trauma, his own skeleton in the closet - an immense fear of abandonment, born from the fact that all his previous relationships failed, including his first love. The word “break-up” alone is the most traumatic and painful word of them all and the unsuspecting Type uses exactly that very word and unwittingly drives a dagger through Tharn’s heart. That isn’t a word, you throw around carelessly because it means the end. No matter how angry you are, that is the line you should never cross unless you’re prepared for the consequences because there is no coming back from it. 

Type regrets it the moment he says it. You can spot the flicker of panic when he realizes what he’s just did - in his blind fear and anger not to lose Tharn, he might have done just the very thing he’s been trying to prevent. Furthermore, he’s hurt Tharn again. However, for the first time since they were at an open war, Tharn gives as good as he gets and it takes Type suggesting that they break up to make him snap. While his lover uses angry tirades and thoughtless words, Tharn isn’t vicious or threatening, he hurts Type with brutal truth and honesty. And you can spot a second flicker in Type’s eyes, this time of sheer and utter terror that he just might have truly lost Tharn with his temper; and the terror he feels while watching Tharn as he’s walking away from him.

The following anger and frustration isn’t directed at Tharn or San, but at himself, for messing up again so badly, for hurting the person he loves the most in the world again. San’s appearance makes Type realizes how much he’s been lacking as Tharn’s boyfriend, fearing that he isn’t good enough and that insecurity gets the better of him. It’s something Type has to face and overcome.

But it takes two people to misunderstand each other and, to be fair, it isn’t everything Type’s fault. Tharn’s inherent fear of losing him prevents him from showing Type his worst and thus, he’s keeping a part of himself from Type. And Type can instictively feel it that he’s being deliberately kept in the dark by Tharn and that’s where part of his frustration is coming from because he’s shared with Tharn his deepest, darkest secrets and isn’t afraid of showing his true self no matter how ugly it is because he KNOWS Tharn can accept him unconditionally and wholly. So when Tharn withhelds that part of himself from him, refusing to trust him with it, it’s no wonder he feels insecure. However, at the end of the day, while their insecurities might come from a different place, Tharn and Type are afraid of the same thing - of losing each other.

Finally, the sheer epic symbolism of the little moment when Type, who claims to be uncaring and indifferent about Tharn’s feelings, even notices Tharn’s little button on the floor in the darkness! This self-centered man cares, HE CARES LIKE NO ONE ELSE DOES!