#hit me as hard as Blue Neighborhood by Troye Sivan

[dwoality2123]

I've watched it a million times already but "If They Only Knew" MV by Alfie Arcuri deserves a book inspired by it. The MV deserves a book. It's so sad and the kiss scene was ahakbaoana.

[moonlightperseus]

troye sivan's blue neighborhood album has no right hitting me this hard even all these years later

[btsandvmin]

can you tell me what makes you think jk is not straight i mean i agree with taehyung giving the vibe that he is not straight i feel that too sometimes but i don't know not matter how hard i try to think jk isn't straight i cant believe it maybe bcoz of his obsession over iu, he is just shy, since he is my bias i can see he is interested in girls what do you think?

Originally I was going to make a proper post about this, but I don’t think I will, so I decided to answer this. It’s years old by now so I don’t know if you still read my blog. But because this is related to JK I have put it off. Also there isn’t much to go with for any member, for obvious reasons, so it’s of course only me guessing.

As for JK and BTS in general I don’t want to look too much at their sexualities as something “set”. So I keep the thoughts more to myself, even though I have guesses. As for JK I feel he gets more labeled as “straight” automatically because of his looks and the image people have of him, and “vibes” is something I won’t trust in general. For example when I first came across BTS the more flamboyant members for me was Hobi and Jimin, which made them my first “hmm, I wonder if they maybe aren’t straight”. But now, looking beyond just the norms and people’s stereotypes I actually would guess Hobi is one of the more “straight ones”. I also think Jimin has shown less indications of being non straight than both Tae, JK and Namjoon. Jimin is more difficult to read and seems more careful with what he says and does. And personally I just think JK seems to show more interest in men than women, though this is very vague and can have different reasons.

Anyways, when it comes to JK you mention his “obsession over IU” but what about his obsession over G-Dragon, Justin Bieber, Charlie Puth or even Namjoon? Isn’t it you putting different value in similar behaviour? IU is Korea’s sweetheart and it’s not weird to like or look up to her simply as a singer/artist. She is a safe choice as a type, and it’s difficult to know if he would have any attraction towards her. Especially since even if he wouldn’t be attracted to females he still has to pick a type, and thus in general using those replies to questions they have to answer as confirmation aren’t the best. In my opinion JK seems to idolize men more. See the Australian interview where he is supposed to pick a celebrity crush and JK even gets the option to pick Nicole Kidman (Namjoon suggested the answer) but JK says no, and then picks Hugh Jackman first and then changes to Ironman.

For JK I agree he is shy, and I also think he might avoid girls more because he knows how people ship him with everyone as soon as he does anything. So maybe he seems so uninterested simply because he’s awkward. Like in the American Hustle life JK even gets annoyed with the other members for being so interested in the girls and says “grapes above girls”. JK is literally part of many of the most popular ships in Kpop and honestly his image of being some kind of playboy seems completely fanmade from how JK is in fics, and not based much in JK himself.

He is actually much more feminine that most people seem to remember. Even the members have said he is the most feminine amongst them. Using unisex/female fragrances or clothes, saying he likes the feeling of moisturizing his legs, collects make up and is the best at applying it on himself etc. Obviously this doesn’t make him non straight, I just want to point out people like to ignore JK’s softer sides because they have the image of him being very manly. Just like Jimin has the opposite problem of being labeled as very feminine while people ignore some of his very manly sides.

He also seems to right from the start be the member with least negative statments about male and female stereotypes and gender norms. Most members have said things like “Men don’t do that” etc. But I just want to say JK is the one I have seen do it the least. You have jokes when JK has said it like “Men don’t use hand cream” while Jin was using it, and then right after used it himself and Jin says “You’re not a man then” and JK simply smiled.

Either way, back to the actual question I think JK seems to have been a bit avoidant when it comes to questions about ideal girlfriends, what he would do in situations with girls and other similar “date” questions. Sometimes even the other members jump in to answer for him. For me JK is the one in the group who tries to avoid these types of questions the most, and it seems to be more of a pattern than just happening from time to time.

You also have examples of JK using attributes that can be seen as masculine when answering about his ideal type like “fit” or “muscular” or clothes that aren’t particularly feminine.

He’s said that he doesn’t want to get married and the way he swerved the “celebrity crush” question with “i know her face, but I don’t know her name” etc. is just one good example of how he often tries to not answer these types of question at all. Something common in LGBT people to not have to lie is simply to try and not answer these kinds of questions. Basically he has a lot of “cop out” answers or copies what the others have said or something very impersonal.

He also support a lot of LGBT+ artists and though it’s nothing strange and he’s not the only one I think it counts. He sings Fools by Troye Sivan and specifically recommended his Blue Neighborhood series, in particular the last song, which if you watch the video is obviously about a gay couple. Back in 2015, Jungkook shared the song "MEMO" of Years & Years and it’s also a song about a man who is in love with a closeted man. JK also say the lyrics of the songs he listen to are important.

You have his song with Namjoon where he sings “Cause I love you boy”, even though it’s for fans it’s still a love song where he uses boy (and I know it doesn’t have to have meaning, but it’s small stuff like this collected together).

I honestly also think we shouldn’t ignore Golden Closet, even though I know he did literally live in a closet. Again, obviously things like this could be nothing, and there aren’t a lot with any members. They would have to be very careful and obviously can’t say much if they are part of the LGBT+ community, so I don’t think we can find any real proof for any of their sexualities. 

In general I haven’t seen much that point at JK being specifically straight either, so I am not going to assume him to be either. We also need to remember that showing interest in one gender doesn’t mean you can’t also be interested in others (which is why I personally see Namjoon seems to like women, but I still suspect he isn’t fully straight).

There are many small things like this, just how Big Hit or other members show small hints of LGBT+ support and even use things in the story lines or “gay rights posters” in Danger etc. Things you won’t notice unless you look for it. There are many other examples, but I don’t really feel like talking about it much more, especially as it’s focused on JK.

In the end we don’t know and this is my personal guess. I could definitely be wrong, and that’s fine, but at least to me JK seem to lean more towards being non straight from how I interpret him.

Thanks for the ask, and sorry for the very late reply. Some of you might have no interest in this kind of post at all, but I still kind of wanted to get it out of the way. Again, you don’t have to agree, it’s all just different opinions and speculations after all. I hope you all don’t find this post too unfitting for my blog, I promise it’s not something I will talk about a lot. As for about my thoughts on Tae I might talk about that more at some other time. Hope you found this reply ok. ^^’’’

[honeypiehotchner]

music tag!

my bff @treat-winchesterswith-kindness tagged me in this so here we gooo!! <3

hit shuffle and write the first 20 songs that come on! (i went to my spotify liked songs and hit shuffle!)

1. “Pleader” by alt-J (have not heard this song in AGES wow)

2. “Lucky” by Louden Swain

3. “Up All Night” by One Direction (CLASSIC!!!)

4. “SUGA’s Interlude” by Halsey ft. SUGA

5. “End of the World” by Kelsea Ballerini

6. “Flicker” by Niall Horan (the RTE Concert Orchestra version)

7. “You Need To Calm Down” by Taylor Swift

8. “Big One” by Louden Swain

9. “Wonderland” by Taylor Swift (my all time fav TS song btw)

10. “In My Head” by Peter Manos

11. “Epic II” from Hadestown (The Original Broadway Cast)

12. “sweetener” by Ariana Grande

13. “Volcanic Love” by The Aces

14. “No Love” by American Authors

15. “Good Guy” by ZAYN

16. “Jesus In LA” by Alec Benjamin

17. “Fare Thee Well - Live” by Louden Swain (this song makes me emo)

18. “Lethargy” by Bastille

19. “Promise Me” by Jack & Jack 

20. “Real Love” by Carly Rae Jespen (yes she sings “Call Me Maybe” and YES her newer stuff goes HARD)

ten songs you’ve been listening to a lot lately (i took these from my On Repeat playlist on spotify!)

1. “Kiss Goodnight” by I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME (from their new album!!! go listen it’s so good!!!)

2. “Can’t Wait To Be Dead” by FINNEAS (it’s a really relevant song if y’all need something to scream)

3. “1950” by King Princess (i’m gay and sad)

4. “Love Me Like You Do” by Ellie Goulding (yes it’s from 50 Shades and no I do not care it goes hard ok)

5. “Lie” by Sasha Sloan

6. “Loveless” by PVRIS

7. “Wish You Were Gay” by Claud (did I mention I’m Gay and Sad)

8. “Who Would Have Thought” by Dylan Dunlap

9. “I’m Not Mad” by Halsey

10. “Daddy Issues” by The Neighbourhood (...do not perceive me)

Bonus: “Back in My Arms” by Carlie Hanson (IT’S SO GOOD)

your nine most influential albums (in no particular order)

1. 1989 by Taylor Swift

2. Red by Taylor Swift

3. Take Me Home by One Direction

4. Vices & Virtues by Panic! At the Disco 

5. Folie à Deux by Fall Out Boy

6. hopeless fountain kingdom by Halsey

7. Year of the Sunflower by Jake Scott

8. A/B by KALEO

9. The Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd

Bonus: Blue Neighborhood by Troye Sivan

tagging: @chelseyjoyce @madshelily @viper-official and anyone who wants to!! (i can’t think of anyone else i’m so tired rn haha)

[philipshay]

leave this blue neighborhood

requested by anonymous

philkas au somewhat based off the blue neighborhood trilogy by troye sivan

NOW

Every memory from Philip’s childhood is twined with Lukas. From running through the woods near the house, to swimming in the lake, to pitching tents and spending the night under the stars, Lukas is there for all of it.

They grow up together, always as two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together.

Philip didn’t realize it had changed until it was blisteringly obvious that it had; when he realized that all he wanted in the world was also the hardest to obtain.

Lukas. He wanted Lukas.

He didn’t mean to make it all change.

THEN

They’re 10. Small and happy and free.

“Slowpoke!” Lukas yells as Philip sprints to catch him. Lukas hit his growth spurt early, and has 6 inches on Philip. His legs are longer, and he’s stronger.

But he lets Philip catch him. He always has.

He feels Philip’s slim fingers close over his wrist, and they both fall. They land on their backs, and Philip still has Lukas’ arm, and they’re laughing so hard Lukas thinks he might cry.

Rocks are digging into his back, and it’s getting cold out, but Philip still has his hand, and he’s laughing, and he can’t remember ever being so happy. He can’t remember ever wanting anything more than this.

NOW

“If you take another picture of me…” Lukas warns, shaking his head as Philip snaps another polaroid. Philip smiles, and tugs the photo out, holding it between two fingers. He keeps it turned away from Lukas, who, though he claims to hate having pictures taken, will go bananas if Philip doesn’t let him see it.

Lukas cranes his neck, trying to maneuver so he can see the developing picture, only to have Philip tug it away.

Lukas makes a noise, and shoots a hand out, pulling the polaroid from Philip before Philip has time to react. Philip frowns, and reaches out, trying to grab it before Lukas sees.

But Lukas is taller than him, and his arms are longer. He keeps it away from Philip easily, and sets it down on the nightstand when he’s satisfied.

Then he turns back to Philip, and reaches out, grabbing him and tugging him against him. He flips him beneath him, propped up on his elbows.

“If you’re trying to make me forget you stole my picture, it isn’t working.” Philip says, voice catching.

Lukas grins.

“No?”

“No.”

Lukas bends down, brushing his lips against Philip’s.

“No?” He murmurs against Philip’s mouth. Philip’s lips curl up in a smile, and he reaches up, fingers tangling in Lukas’ hair.

“No.”

“You’re a dork.” Philip says, laughing.

“A very handsome dork.” Lukas replies.  

His mouth moves to Philip’s, centimeters away, but when Philip reaches up to kiss him again, Lukas flops back over on his side.

“Seriously.” Philip mumbles.

Lukas’ fingers creep up Philip’s jean-covered leg, and Philip rolls away, giving him a face.

“You’re a tease.”

“What?” He asks innocently, raising up onto one elbow, watching Philip with a smile.

“It’s not fair to dangle the carrot and then yank it away.” Philip says mockingly. His fingers move higher, and he grins as Philip sucks in a breath.

“Then I guess I won’t yank it away.”

Philip’s brows furrow, and then Lukas is tugging him close, lips brushing Philip’s nose.

Philip opens his eyes to find Lukas already looking at him, fingers tracing a line down his face. Lukas smiles, pausing for a moment.

“I love you, you know.” He says, somewhat shyly. 

Lukas doesn’t say things like this often; it took years to get him to open up to Philip all, and moments like these, where he speaks what he thinks, are rare.

“I know.” Philip says, lips curling up in a smile. Lukas shakes his head, and kisses Philip fiercely.

Philip tugs Lukas’ shirt off, running a hand down his toned stomach. He makes a noise in the back of his throat when Philip’s fingers brush past his navel, which only makes Philip smile even more.

“What happened to no teasing?” Lukas asks. Philip’s fingers dip lower in response, and they stop talking.

Then Philip tugs his own shirt over his head and the light from the window streams onto their backs, and it’s just them, them, always just them.

THEN

They’re 14 now. Gangly and nervous and loud.

They race through the woods behind Lukas’ house. The lake rests a mile away, and they laugh as they slip past each other, each gaining for a moment, then falling back to run beside the other.

“Admit it, you’re getting your ass kicked!” Lukas calls back, looking over his shoulder. Philip curses, and speeds up, catching up.

“In your dreams.” He retorts, panting.

“You’re the one who dreams about me, not the other way around!” Lukas says. They see the lake in the clearing, and slow to a walk. A blush rises over Philip’s cheeks; one he hopes Lukas won’t notice.

But Lukas notices everything. Because he’s always watching.

Philip stops, leaning against a tree to catch his breath. When he comes back up, Lukas stands right in front of him, one side of his lips curled up in a smile.

“You do dream about me, don’t you?” He asks. Philip scoffs.

“No.”

Lukas pauses, and shrugs. “That’s a shame.”

“And why is that?” Philip replies.

Lukas, suddenly shy, avoids Philip’s eyes.

“Why?” Philip presses.

Lukas lifts his eyes to his, and shrugs again.

Then, as if shoved forward, he presses Philip against the bark. Philip’s entire being goes still; he doesn’t dare move.

“Because I dream about you.” Lukas whispers. Recognition dawns in Philip eyes, and before he can say anything, Lukas kisses him. It’s rough and messy and perfect, everything a first kiss should be.

NOW

Lukas is standing in the kitchen when it happens. When his father opens the liquor cabinet and pulls out the scotch, and slams it down onto the counter. Lukas does his best not to flinch, and fails.

This doesn’t grab his father’s attention, though, because his focus is on something else. In his other fist is the dark fabric of what looks like a tee shirt. He slams this down beside the bottle for emphasis, though it makes no noise.

All the breath leaves Lukas’ body when he realizes what the fabric is.

It’s Philip’s tee shirt. He was wearing a flannel over it the other day, and when he hurried out at the sound of Lukas’ father’s truck, he must have forgotten it.

He left Philip’s shirt in his room. The shirt is too small to be his own, and is obviously not a girl’s shirt.

He knows. After all this time, he knows.

Lukas is terrified.

“How long?” His father asks, in a calm voice.

“Dad-“

“How. Long.” He says again, voice still eerily calm.

“I don’t know, dad. I-“

He slams his palm into the counter; it makes the glass container shake. Lukas flinches.

“Tell me how long, Lukas.” He says.

Lukas’ stomach drops, and he looks down at his feet.

“Since we were kids.” He says quietly.

His words are the flame to the gunpowder. His father swings a hand out, knocking the booze off the counter. It shatters around Lukas’ feet, glass shards smacking into his legs. He jumps back, but it’s quickly obvious this was the wrong move to make; his father lunges at him.

Lukas backs up, turning for the stairs. He knows he should get out the door, but all he wants to do is curl up in his bed and hide, so his body takes him there. He runs up to his room, slamming the door shut behind him, only to be knocked back before he can get it to lock. The door falls from its hinges, and Lukas pushes away from it, only to have it hit him in the knees, tearing through his skin on the way down to his toes.

Then his father has him by the collar of his shirt, and is shoving him against the wall. Lukas struggles in his grip, too afraid to do anything but let him hold on.

His father looks like he’s about to yell, but instead, he pulls Lukas away from the wall and shoves him back onto the bed. Lukas recoils, trying to push up against the headboard, and is rewarded with a sharp tug to an already injured leg.

His father’s fists fly, landing blow after blow, knocking the air from his lungs, filling his mouth with blood.

He doesn’t stop hitting. Lukas doesn’t know if he ever does.

All he knows is that the last thing he sees is bloody knuckles poised above his eyes.

THEN

They sit next to each other on the edges of their lake, inches apart.

“You gonna come any closer, or what?” Philip asks, arching a dark brow. Lukas laughs, and shimmies closer. His head lands in Philip’s’ lap, and he rolls onto his back.

“It’s a great view from down here.” He says.

“Oh yeah?” Philip replies, lips tipping upwards.

“Yeah.”

Philip lifts his eyes, and scans the horizon, watching the water.

“Tell me something you’ve never told anyone.” He says after a minute.

“Turkeys like pineapple.” Lukas replies. Philip snorts, and looks down at his boyfriend.

“I’m serious.”

Lukas smiles, and shuts his eyes, thinking.

“Hmmm.” He murmurs.

His eyes open, looking up at Philip with those clear blue eyes he swears he could fall into.

“I love you.” He says. Philip’s heart stops, and his brows furrow.

“What?”

“Your face looks really cute when you do that.” Lukas says, reaching a hand up to brush his cheek.

“Say what you said.” Philip says, waving him off.

Lukas smiles, and sits up, pulling Philip toward him, smiling big and wide.

“I said, I love you.”

“You do?”

“I do.”

Philip smiles, eyes scanning Lukas’ face. After a beat, he says, “Me too.”

And that is the moment that each boy realizes that maybe they’ve found their forevers.

NOW

“Lukas? Jesus, what the fuck? Lukas? Wake up!” Lukas opens his eyes, and finds Philip looking down at him, eyes filled with concern.

Lukas tries a small smile, to which the crease between Philip’s eyes deepens.

“Not Jesus. But I hear we-we look alike.” Lukas leans over the edge of the bed, moaning, spitting blood onto the floor. He can’t bring himself to care about the mess, not yet. Everything hurts too badly for him to care about much of anything.

Philip helps him into a sitting position, his thin fingers trailing over Lukas’ black and blue frame.

“He did this.” He says, not a question, a statement.

“Philip.”

“Why, Lukas? Why?”

His eyes leave Lukas’ face, and travel to the t shirt laying on the bed, discarded by Lukas’ father. Philip brings a hand up to his head, letting out a breath.

“Lukas.”

“Yeah.”

He looks back to Lukas, careful fingers cupping his cheeks. Lukas can see the worry in his eyes, the worry that Philip tries to hide behind thin lips and furrowed brows.

“Are you okay?” He asks softly, eyes questioning in the way only Philip can. In the way that makes Lukas want to tell him.

Lukas does a lot of lying, as he’s had to, but he never lies to Philip. He vowed never to do that.

So, instead of doing what he wants, he closes his eyes, and says, “Not really.”

Philip’s hands drop from his face, and Lukas opens his eyes to find Philip watching him.

“You’re coming to stay with us.”

“Philip-“

“Don’t try and argue with me, Lukas. Don’t.” Philip snaps, in the way that makes Lukas know he isn’t budging.

Lukas sucks in a shaky breath, and nods.

“My dad won’t be back until the morning. Can we just-can we stay here for a minute? I’m tired.” Lukas says. Philip licks his lips, and nods.

“Can you hold me? Please?” Lukas asks in a small voice, shy, like a child.

Again, Philip nods.

Lukas carefully lowers himself onto his side, facing Philip, who lays beside him.

Philip reaches out tentatively, carefully pulling Lukas against him, ducking his head to press his lips to Lukas’ hair.

“I’m gonna get you out of here.” Philip murmurs.

Lukas believes him. Not because he knows Philip can do it, which he does, but because he’s always believed Philip. Always believed in him.

To give that up now would be to let his father win. And he refuses to do that.

[thisisthetyty]

My DUI That Never Happened

There was a trip to my second home, Nashville, which my bestie and I had been planning for months. We had tickets to go see our favorite wrestling brand, NXT, which is a staple of our friendship and something we’d never experienced together live. Plus, any time you get to waste a day in downtown Nashville is a day to cherish.

So we found ourselves, shamefully tourist-like of us, in Tootsies at 3pm. And then we walked our way down Broadway, where we had a few more cocktails in a few more bars. And then we walked back to our cars where we took the pregaming shots we had so thoughtfully brought. And then we walked to the show where we each had one more cocktail then we had originally said we would.

Needless to say, my lightweight ass was drunk when we left the show. So we went back to Broadway, not for drinks, but for a chicken strip basket that I felt my life depended on. I was supposed to be staying with a friend that night that lived 30 minutes out, and I was clearly in no state to drive. So I devoured all that fried goodness, downed several glasses of water, made several trips to the bathroom: all the essential steps of a glorious boot and rally. And after reassuring my bestie several times, I deemed myself fine to drive.

I did the 30-minute trek to where my friend lived, Murfreesboro, without a hitch, happily blaring Blue Neighborhood by Troye Sivan the whole way. I met her and our friends at our usual bar, where I didn’t consume an ounce of alcohol. I knew I’d had enough for the night and wasn’t going to add any fuel to that dying fire. We all caught up for a few hours before everyone closed their tabs.

And no one asked me if I was okay to drive or not because I was so clearly not drunk. I drove my car, following my friend to her house that I had never been to before. I wasn’t even doing the ‘I’ve been drinking so I’m going to be the absolute best and most paranoid driver ever to be super-duper sure I don’t get pulled over’ routine. I was just driving. I was exhausted, beginning to feel hung over and my contacts were starting to dry. I have no clue how long the cop was behind me before he pulled me over.

Apparently I was speeding, although I was following a car that couldn’t have been going more than 10 over, swerving, although I never swerved out of my lane, and didn’t use my blinker, although there was no traffic on the road at 2AM. He asked for my license and registration. License was easy. However, I still couldn’t tell you what my registration looks like. The cop didn’t find my ignorance as cute as I do. I asked if two different papers were my registration, he told me they weren’t, and then he asked me to step out of my car. I hadn’t formed a thought since I saw the police lights in my rearview.

At some point he asked me if I had been drinking. I lied. I said I hadn’t. Telling the cops the truth hadn’t served me well in the past. Who knew I was such a time tested criminal? He asked me several times throughout our encounter. He even got slick at one point and asked ‘what were you drinking?’ to which I answered ‘water’ and felt like a boss for not falling for it. I’m a water drinking badass, y’all.

Outside my car, we started the roadside sobriety test. It’s a whole bunch of shit that tests your balance and ability to follow very specifically, vague instructions. I knew I wasn’t doing great a couple of times. It was cold and I was shivering. I was nervous and with my horrid anxiety I get quivers in high stress situations such as this. My balance is always shit. I’m clumsy 24/7. All in all, when it was over I still assumed I couldn’t have failed. I wasn’t drunk. Clearly they would see that I wasn’t drunk.

Then I was in handcuffs. Then I was in the back of a police car. Then I was in jail.

There, they took a blood sample to test my Blood Alcohol Content. That county does that instead of using a Breathalyzer at the scene. They pull you over, do a field sobriety test, deem that you are intoxicated, arrest you for DUI and then they take your blood to prove that you did indeed put the UI in DUI. Sounds legitimate, right? But it’s their system.

I’m not the type you’d ever expect to be in a jail cell; church kid, good student, rule follower, paranoid, terrified of authority figures, unadventurous, etc. I was forcing myself to not be terrified by not looking at or talking to any of the other people in there with me. Granted, most of them weren’t particularly scary. They were normal. A few of them even taught me how to use the phones when they saw me moving from phone to phone without a clue what I was doing. There was an older man that I’d be willing to bet had never been arrested before but had binge watched many a show about life in the slammer. He was old, dorky-looking and ginger. But he talked a good game about how hard he was, how much he hated the cops, how he didn’t even care he was arrested. He was most likely the creepy guy in a bar who had had a few too many and was pointlessly hitting on girls way out of his league just a few hours ago. He got into an argument with the only other annoying man in the cell: a stereotypical Mexican drug dealer who talked the entire time I was in there, usually to himself. At one point I thought he was talking to me but I continued to look down because I definitely did not want to see if I was right.

I was only in there for a couple of hours before my friend and a bail bondsman got me out. It honestly went by very fast, probably because my brain was shut off and I hadn’t formed many thoughts the entire time. And for a self-conscious, anxiety-ridden, stressed-out, too-critical, over-planning neurotic, that’s saying a lot.

After that, it was a waiting game. I waited for the weekend to be over so I could go to the police department and get my belongings they took from my car. I waited a couple of months for my BAC test to come back. Then I waited a couple more months for my toxicology screening to come back. Then I waited for my court date.

My BAC was .02. The legal limit is .08. Then they did the toxicology screening to see if I was on any drugs. That test was negative. They had no case against me. I broke no laws. The case was dismissed. The arrest was expunged from my record completely. All traces of it were erased, although my friends and I do have screenshots of the very attractive mug shot for our laughing pleasure. Perks.

Happy ending? Not exactly. My bail cost $300. Getting my car out of the impound lot cost $200. Hiring a lawyer cost $1,500. Thus, not breaking the law cost me a total of $2,000. At any other time in my life, I wouldn’t have even had the money. I was 23. I waited tables. I was six months out of college at the time. The $2,000 was all of my savings that I received as graduation gifts. I was saving it to cover moving expenses for when I finally found a job in my field. And then on one dreaded night, it was all gone.

The absurdity of the situation makes many of my friends say, “that’s not fair,” “how is that possible,” “will they give you your money back?” or “sue them.” That sounded like a good idea. Multiple lawyers have since told me that suing an officer or a police department is rarely fruitful. They typically have enough evidence to support their choice to arrest. On top of that, I would have to pay for a lawyer to handle the most likely pointless case.

I’m pulled in many different directions emotionally as I look back on these events. I’m ecstatic that my BAC was below the limit. I’m livid that it cost me so much money. I’m happy that the district attorney didn’t try to hit me with any other charges or punishments. I’m confused by how any of this was even possible. I’m relieved that the whole thing was removed from my record. I’m scared that I have no savings and with it no security. I’m proud to live in a world where Uber can save my life. I’m paranoid about having this whole thing happen again.

Although I didn’t technically break any laws or drive drunk, I’ve learned a lesson. I can tell you that I’ll never take a risky drive home after drinking ever again. I got a DUI when I wasn’t drunk; I’m not about to test my luck. I’ve since become an Uber regular. That makes me feel safer, smarter and more responsible then I felt all of the nights I deemed myself ‘sober enough’ to drive. And I’d much rather chalk up that small chunk of change than get a $2,000 non-DUI DUI.