#holiday theme: happy hogswatch

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

IT IS HOGSWATCH, said Death, AND PEOPLE DIE ON THE STREETS. PEOPLE FEAST BEHIND LIGHTED WINDOWS AND OTHER PEOPLE HAVE NO HOMES. IS THIS FAIR?

"Well, of course, that's the big issue--" Albert began.

THE PEASANT HAD A HANDFUL OF BEANS AND THE KING HAD SO MUCH HE WOULD NOT EVEN NOTICE THAT WHICH HE GAVE AWAY. IS THIS FAIR?

"Yeah, but if you gave it all to the peasant then in a year or two he'd be just as snooty as the king--" began Albert, jaundiced observer of human nature.

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

"Will you lot shut up? No one is giving anything to the troops!"

"Oh, shouldn't they have something? It's Hogswatch, after all."

"Look, it was just a figure of speech, all right? I just meant I was fully in agreement. It's just colorful language. Good grief, surely you can't think I'm actually suggesting giving stuff to the troops, at Hogswatch or any other time!"

"You weren't?"

"No!"

"That's a bit mean, isn't it?"

Ponder just let it happen. It's because their minds are so often involved with deep and problematic matters, he told himself, that their mouths are allowed to wander around making a nuisance of themselves.

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

HO. HO. HO. YES INDEED, HELLO, SMALL CHILD CALLED VERONICA LUMPY, WHAT A LOVELY NAME, AGED SEVEN, I BELIEVE? GOOD. YES, I KNOW IT DID. ALL OVER THE NICE CLEAN FLOOR, YES. THEY DO, YOU KNOW. THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS ABOUT REAL PIGS. HERE WE ARE, DON'T MENTION IT. HAPPY HOGSWATCH AND BE GOOD. I WILL KNOW IF YOU'RE GOOD OR BAD, YOU KNOW. HO. HO. HO.

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

NAUGHTY AND NICE? said Death. BUT IT'S EASY TO BE NICE IF YOU'RE RICH. IS THIS FAIR?

Albert wanted to argue. He wanted to say, Really? In that case, how come so many of the rich buggers is bastards? And being poor don't mean being naughty, neither. We was poor when I were a kid, but we was honest. Well, more stupid than honest, to tell the truth. But basically honest.

He didn't argue, though. The master wasn't in any mood for it. He always did what needed to be done.

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

"This is disgusting, this whole business," said Constable Visit. "It's the worship of idols--"

"It's a genuine Burleigh and Stronginthearm double-action triple-cantilever crossbow with a polished stock and engraved silver facings!"

"--a crass commercialization of a date which is purely of astronomical significance," said Visit, who seldom paid attention when he was in mid-denounce. "If it is to be celebrated at all, then--"

"I saw this in Bows and Ammo! It got Editor's Choice in the 'What to Buy When Rich Uncle Sidney Dies' category! They had to break both the reviewer's arms to get him to let go of it!"

"--ought to be commemorated in a small service of--"

"It must cost more'n a year's salary! They only make 'em to order! You have to wait ages!"

"--religious significance." It dawned on Constable Visit that something behind him was amiss.

"Aren't we going to arrest this imposter, corporal?" he said.

Corporal Nobbs looked blearily at him through the mists of possessive pride.

"You're foreign, Washpot," he said. "I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch."

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

A breeze blew up.

Something stirred in the landscape, something under the snow. The branches on the ancient pine trees shook gently, dislodging little needles of ice.

The sun rose.

The light streamed over Susan like a silent gale. It was dazzling. She crouched back, raising her forearm to cover her eyes. The great red ball turned frost to fire along the winter branches.

Gold light slammed into the mountain peaks, making every one a blinding, silent volcano. It rolled onward, gushing into the valleys and thundering up the slopes, unstoppable...

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

"The damn sun comes up anyway," Susan repeated. "How do you know that?"

"Oh, observation. It happens every morning. I seen it."

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

After all, what was the point of teaching children to be children? They were naturally good at it.

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

"Now...tell me..."

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T SAVED HIM?

"Yes! The sun would have risen just the same, yes?"

NO.

"Oh, come on. You can't expect me to believe that. It's an astronomical fact."

THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.

"Really? Then what would have happened, pray?"

A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD.

They walked in silence for a moment.

"Ah," said Susan dully. "Trickery with words. I would have thought you'd have been more literal-minded than that."

I AM NOTHING IF NOT LITERAL-MINDED. TRICKERY WITH WORDS IS WHERE HUMANS LIVE.

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

[pratchettquotes]

Holiday Theme: Happy Hogswatch

The boy gave the Hogfather an appraising stare as he sat down on the official knee.

"Let's be absolutely clear. I know you're just someone dressed up," he said. "The Hogfather is a biological and temporal impossibility. I hope we understand one another."

AH. SO I DON'T EXIST?

"Correct. This is just a bit of seasonal frippery and, I may say, rampantly commercial. My mother's already bought my presents. I instructed her as to the right ones, of course. She often gets things wrong."

The Hogfather glanced briefly at the smiling, worried image of maternal influence hovering nearby.

HOW OLD ARE YOU, BOY?

The child rolled his eyes. "You're not supposed to say that," he said. "I have done this before, you know. You have to start by asking me my name."

AARON FIDGET, "THE PINES", EDGEWAY ROAD, ANKH-MORPORK.

"I expect someone told you," said Aaron. "I expect these people dressed up as pixies get the information from the mothers."

AND YOU ARE EIGHT, GOING ON...OH, ABOUT FORTY-FIVE, said the Hogfather.

"There's forms to fill out when they pay, I expect," said Aaron.

Terry Pratchett, Hogfather