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Sam Vimes tried to look as serious as any man can when he's holding a loofah.

Terry Pratchett, Jingo

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"Esme didn't thrive on nice," said Nanny Ogg. "Take her an apple pie and she'll complain about the pastry."

"But people don't often thank her. And she does do a lot."

"She's not set up for thanks, neither. Ment'ly. To tell you the honest truth, there's always been a bit of the dark in the Weatherwaxes, and that's where the trouble is. Look at old Allison Weatherwax."

"Who was she?"

"Her own granny. Went to the bad, they say, just packed up one day and headed for Uberwald. And as for Esme's sister..." Nanny stopped, and restarted. "Anyway, that's why she's always standin' behind herself and criticizin' what she's doing. Sometimes I reckon she's terrified she'll go bad without noticin'."

"Granny? But she's a moral as--"

"Oh, yes, she is. But that's because she's got Granny Weatherwax glarin' over her shoulder the whole time."

Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum

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Of the three things that most people know about the horse, the third is that, over a short distance, it can't run as fast as a man. As Rincewind had learned to his advantage, it has more legs to sort out.

There are additional advantages if a) the people on horseback aren't expecting you to run and b) you happen to be, very conveniently, in an athletic starting position.

Rincewind rose like a boomerang curry from a sensitive stomach.

Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times

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That's three "indeeds," thought William, who noticed things like this. Three "indeeds" used by a person in one brief speech generally meant an internal spring was about to break.

Terry Pratchett, The Truth

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"I've come to..."

The Patrician stopped and prodded at one of the drawings.

"There's a piece of yellow paper stuck to this one," he said, suspiciously. He pulled at it. It came away from the drawing with a faint sucking noise, and then stuck to his fingers. On the note, in Leonard's crabby backward script, were the words: "krow ot smees sihT: omeM".

"Oh, I'm rather pleased with that," said Leonard. "I call it my 'Handy-note-scribbling-piece-of-paper-with-glue-that-comes-unstuck-when-you-want'."

The Patrician played with it for a while.

"What's the glue made of?"

"Boiled slugs."

The Patrician pulled the paper off one hand. It stuck to the other hand.

Terry Pratchett, Men At Arms

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Magrat looked down at the brown river and the suspicious logs on its sandbanks.

"What I want to know is," she said, "was Mrs. Gogol really good or bad? I mean, dead people and alligators and everything..."

Granny looked at the rising sun, poking through the mists.

"Good and bad is tricky," she said. "I ain't too certain about where people stand. P'raps what matters is which way you face."

Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad

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"It wasn't a nice thing to do," Adora Belle Dearheart went on, in the same level tone.

"There wasn't a nice thing that would work," said Moist.

Terry Pratchett, Going Postal

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Now Diamanda was showing them how to do the cards.

She said they contained the distilled wisdom of the Ancients. Perdita had found herself treacherously wondering who these Ancients were -- they clearly weren't the same as old people, who were stupid, Diamanda said, but she wasn't quite clear why they were wiser than, say, modern people.

Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

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Thin, pale, and clad all in dusty black, the Patrician always put Ridcully in mind of a predatory flamingo, if you could find a flamingo that was black and had the patience of a rock.

Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

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"I want a school, sir. I want a school here on the Chalk. I've been thinking about this for a long time--in fact, for longer than I had worked out the name for what I wanted. There's an old barn on Home Farm that isn't being used right now, and I think we could make it quite acceptable in a week or so."

"Well, the traveling teachers do come through every few months," said the Baron.

"Yes, sir, I know, sir, and they're useless, sir. They teach facts, not understanding. It's like teaching people about forests by showing them a saw. I want a proper school, sir, to teach reading and writing, and most of all thinking, sir, so people can find what they're good at, because someone doing what they really like is always an asset to any country, and too often people never find out until it's too late. [...] There have been times lately, when I dearly wish that I could change the past. Well, I can't, but I can change the present, so that when it becomes the past it will turn out to be a past worth having."

Terry Pratchett, I Shall Wear Midnight

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There should be a word for the microscopic spark of hope that you dare not entertain in case the mere act of acknowledging it will cause it to vanish, like trying to look at a photon.

Terry Pratchett, Mort

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"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Your Grace."

"I know that one," said Vimes. "Who watches the watchmen? Me, Mr. Pessimal."

"Ah, but who watches you, Your Grace?" said the inspector with a brief little smile.

"I do that, too. All the time," said Vimes. "Believe me."

Terry Pratchett, Thud!

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They were not bad men. They had worked hard on behalf of the valley for hundreds of years. But it is possible, after a while, to develop certain dangerous habits of thought. One is that, while all important enterprises need careful organization, it is the organization that needs organizing, rather than the enterprise. And another is that tranquility is always a good thing.

Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

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"Twoflower, there are no invisible vampire ghosts."

"Ah, yes, everyone's going round denying it," said Lotus Blossom. "So there must be some truth in it."

"But I made it up!"

"Ah, you may think you made it up," said Twoflower. "But perhaps you are a pawn of Fate."

"Listen, there's no--"

"Same old Rincewind," said Twoflower, in a jolly way. "You always were so pessimistic about everything, but it always worked out all right in the end."

Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times

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Camels gallop by throwing their feet as far away from them as possible and then running to keep up.

Terry Pratchett, Pyramids

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There was muttering from the defenders. Most of them had a look Vimes recognized, because it was one he was trying to keep off his own face. It was the look of people whose world had suddenly been swept from under them, and now they were trying to tap-dance on quicksand.

He tossed away the stupid pompous megaphone. He cupped his hands. "Some of you know me!" he shouted. "I'm Sergeant Keel, currently in command of the Treacle Mine Road Watch House! And I order you to dismantle this barricade--"

There was a chorus of jeers and one or two badly thrown missiles. Vimes waited, stock-still, until they'd died away. Then he raised his hands again.

"I repeat, I order you to dismantle this barricade." He took a breath, and went on: "And rebuild it on the other side, on the corner with Cable Street! And put up another one at the top of Sheer Street! Good grief, you don't just pile stuff up, for gods' sake! A barricade is something you construct! Who's in charge here?"

There were sounds of consternation behind the overturned furniture, but a voice called out: "You?"

Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

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"You know, I still think it would help if we thought of all this as a valuable opportunity," said Ridcully.

"That's true," said the Dean, sitting up. "It's not many times in your life you get the chance to die of hunger on some bleak continent thousands of years before you're born. We should make the most of it."

"I meant that pitting ourselves against the elements will bring out the best in us and forge us into a go-getting and hard-hitting team," said Ridcully. This view got no takers.

"I'm sure there must be something to eat," mumbled the Chair of Indefinite Studies, looking around aimlessly. "There usually is."

"After all, nothing is beyond men like us," said Ridcully.

"That's true," said Ponder. "Oh gods, yes. That's true."

Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent