#hologram_2

[thebigqueer]

I'll Come Back to You - Valgrace

hologram_1: Loving You From Behind a Screen

hologram_2: I Wish I Was Her

hologram_3: Honest

hologram_4: I JUST WANT YOU TO SEE ME.

hologram_5: Normal.

hologram_6: you aren't just a metaphorical ghost anymore.

hologram_7: I CAN'T COME BACK TO YOU.

hologram_8: Maybe I Don't Need to Come Back to You.

hologram_9: Wait For Me

[thebigqueer]

I'll Come Back to You - Valgrace

hologram_2: I Wish I Was Her

Read on AO3

[image of LEO VALDEZ smiling softly]

guess who's back. [empty laughter] not that it matters to you, though. you won't even see this. not for a while, at least.

it's been some time since my last hologram. since then, me and calypso have made a lot of headway. i think we're somewhere in the atlantic sea right now. we've stopped at some island for the night.

[LEO VALDEZ looks to the right to something off the screen] she's sleeping right now. she's kind of cute when she's sleeping.

[LEO VALDEZ turns back to face the screen, a serene look in his eyes]

she's certainly cute. but i know that's all that i have going for her. besides her prettiness, i don't think i really feel anything for her.

not the way i felt - feel - for you.

[desperate sighing] i shouldn't be leading her on like this. i know i shouldn't. it's not fair to her nor to me.

i don't love her and it's not right for me to keep her around. i'm not entirely sure how she feels for me, but even then i know it isn't fair to keep her on her toes for a boy who isn't even sure loves her.

but i just... is it so bad to want to be loved, jason? is it so bad to want something more than simple friendships?

i'll admit, i should have taken more time for myself and understand that not being in a relationship doesn't ruin my value as a person. i think i know that.

but i never felt that. i never internalized that truth. and being on the argo II with you and percy and annabeth and hazel and frank and... and piper... your girlfriend... i just found it hard to really take that in.

i know i don't need a partner. but my surroundings made it feel like i did.

and is it so bad to just want something like that? to want... to want what you and piper have?

to want you, jason grace?

i know now that a romantic relationship isn't really going to help me. goddammit, jason, i know that so well.

but i can't... i just can't internalize any of that. especially seeing how happy you and piper seem. especially seeing how happy you are.

i want to be that happy. i want to be the reason you're happy.

i love piper. i do. but sometimes i can't help but to wish i was her. because she has everything i want - the perfect life, the perfect friends, the perfect expectations.

the perfect boyfriend.

[shaky sighing] [image of LEO VALDEZ hugging his arms to his body]

as much as i love her, i can't help to hate piper. she's everything i wish i could be.

she's everything you want. and i guess... i want to be everything you want.

but i know better now. i shouldn't change myself just to fit some stupid expectations, especially not for other people's expectations.

but i can't stop thinking... what if it could be us...?

[exasperated sigh]

goodnight, jason. maybe we'll be back together soon. maybe i'll be able to tell this all to your face instead of through a screen.

[end hologram]