#hope yall can be kinder to yourselves

[haeroniel-doliet]

Tbh i dont know if i'll even get the 21-25 set (which is sketched out!) Published before october ends... I think i was too optimistic again hahah. Still hoping best case scenario at this point is that maybe i get that and the 31st out before nov.1? Idk does it rly matter? Does anyone care?

....i do i guess i really do and i really care about fknishing the 16-20 and 26-30 sets too even if theyre gonna be done like some point during november yknow? Inktober my ass i really wasnt gonna just magically be able to do it huh. But who cares right? Its just for me and just for the sake of getting through them bc i have ideas for all of them ykno?

(extra vent beneath lol!)

Idk what i am as an artist idk what the point of any of this is idk idk! Im living off my parents, and doing 1 tiny job thats more of a favour than it is for the bit of money id get for it is kicking my ass to hell and back for no reason!! I just. Im tired frustrated scared and wanna cry!! But im also immensely numb and detached from here!

All i feel like i could focus on is the silly viddy game and like writing out what quests ive done and gotta do! What order am i working thu next? At most maybe think about/look up new games and stuff to have in my backpocket for scouts! But also the existential fear of fucking up these kids everytime i come after a not perfect time? Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. (I love these kids! I really do i just really wanna give them the best experience and being me rn i feel like i cant do that?)

Oh! And also! I have fucking tinder messages. From rly nice girls. Because i was feeling kinda good a week ago and was like 'i should totally give dating a fair chance!' now ive been ignoring them for days (sorry my other friends also, but youre more used to me ghosting for a bit bc ill come back i promise) but yeah i feel shitty about that!! Im sorry!!! I cant handle it rn!!!

Damn and in the first therapy session the other day i rly said 'oh yeah im like fine rn just numb and constantly aware of it in the background' bitch!!! I cant function to even the minimum!!! What the hell is this!!!! I dont wanna feel like this!!!!!!!!!