#how many women can we come up with gyns

[watermelinoe]

ok but actually name 59 women challenge

chimamanda ngozi adichie. jk rowling. laetitia ky. lupita nyong'o. caroline criado perez. grace hopper. ada lovelace. amelia earhart. jeanne d'arc. élisabeth vigeé le brun. georgia o'keeffe. marie kondo. cleopatra. hatshepsut. cordelia fine. lady gaga. michelle obama. beyonce. jenna marbles. andrea dworkin. mary daly. azealia banks. margaret thatcher. winona ryder. whoopie goldberg. lucy liu. sandra oh. artemisia gentileschi. ursula le guin. hillary clinton. aileen wuornos. rumiko takahashi. megan thee stallion. lizzo. casey anthony. greta gerwig. adèle haenel. simone de beauvoir. kim kardashian. billie holiday. nina simone. eartha kitt. emma thompson. jodie comer. beatrice potter. mary shelley. mary wollstonecraft. marie antoinette. madame de pompadour. murasaki shikibu. sylvia plath. frida kahlo. madonna. greta thunberg. angela yvonne davis. dua lipa. queen latifah. alison bechdel. whitney houston.



[judeesill]

tbf i still find non radfem books like who cooked the last supper, invisible women, the feminine mystique, the second sex etc good recs for girls/women interested in radical feminism. sort of like an intro class to feminism in general before you focus on actual radfem literature. you can't go from 0 feminist readings to gyn/ecology overnight... it's not a given that gyns who find themselves on radblr will have read basic feminist texts

yeah that’s a really good point! I think a lot of the problems on radblr come from the fact that most women come to it without any knowledge about feminism, much less any organizing experience. that’s fine, and to some extent should be expected given the current states of the broader left (weak, disorganized, overrun with liberalism/ anarchism) and the feminist movement (functionally non-existent). That’s just the way it is across the left — I can’t tell you how many so-called socialists I know who couldn’t even tell you what class struggle means. In our case, though, I think it’s especially problematic, because a lot of women are “radicalized” by disillusionment with trans politics (or discomfort with trans people 🙃) — and without a proper grounding in feminist basics, it’s really, really easy to at best lose focus on women’s liberation, and at worst just become a reactionary. lol.

So, I totally agree that some feminism 101 is in order, so we’re all at least speaking the same language when it comes to the messier ideological debates about and within radical feminism.

I think a big part of the problem, though, is that … it’s not a given that women who find themselves on radblr will EVER read basic feminist texts, or even radical feminist ones. it’s pretty obvious from the way people talk about lesbian separatism and political lesbianism that, like, no one knows what they’re fucking talking about. and how could they, if they’re just reblogging quote posts and the same handful of master lists with a whole bunch of random pdfs with no context or commentary? hate to break it to ya, ladies, but all your faves were political lesbians. like, literally all of them. And this is actually pretty clear from the things they write!

I’ll save my takes on radblr’s fundamentally incoherent lesbian politics and the fact that separatism has NEVER been a settled question in radical feminism and the fact that political movements need GOALS and STRATEGIES and DUES BASED MEMBERSHIP ORGANIZATIONS for later. Suffice it to say, we need to stop being so content to let tumblr thought leaders pulling evocative quotes from PDFs decide what we think, and start getting serious about political education.

I don’t think every woman on radblr needs to do a PhD to be able to weigh in on things, but I do think those of us with the time/desire to make intellectual interventions, create syllabi, and/or start cohering some democratic organizational infrastructure (or at least some more discussion groups) can and should step up. Obv people are and have been doing this, but if we want to ever do anything more than snipe at each other online, we gotta get movin.

Thanks for letting me grandstand on ur ask, i just have a decade’s worth of frustration built up about this 🙃 always more to say. (like, I also don’t think we should be so into gyn/ecology at all, actually … but more on that later (-:< )

TL;DR: READ MORE! GET WISE, WOMEN! LET A THOUSAND READING GROUPS BLOOM!

[hjellacott]

Why sometimes it is important to have FEMALE gynaecologists

When we talk about wanting female gynaecologists or obstetricians, we often talk about hypothetic things, so I thought I'd share my real, recent experience. I'm a grown up adult and yet I'd never gone to the gynaecologist before until recently. It all started last year, when my periods got odd. I won't go into details, but you know when your instinct urges you to get checked because you know in your gut that something is off? And you know it sounds insane if you say it out loud, and people don't believe you, but you know. So I contacted a GP, managed to convince him to take me seriously, and I got a referral for a gynaecologist. A year later, I was finally called for my appointment.

When I got my paper with my appointment, I was surprised to learn that the examination I was booked for was far more and more invasive / intense than I had thought it would be, so I got very anxious, because I've heard from friends who had terrible experiences at the gyn and I was worried sick. Will it hurt? Will they be too harsh? Will I bleed? Will I be really uncomfortable? Then I had worse concerns: will I have a dishonourable doctor/nurse who takes advantage of me? So I decided the best way to ease my concerns was to ensure that no males were in the room. A woman wouldn't rape me, a woman wouldn't touch me without knowledge of what it feels like, a woman would be able to be empathetic with me, put herself in my shoes, and try and help me. A woman wouldn't get turned on. A woman will also have had, at some point, her first intense examination and will understand my worries and anxiety. Men? They'll lack empathy, they'll be too brusque, they might sexually abuse me, they might hurt me simply because they don't know how delicate you need to be, or mansplain, or discard my concerns, or all of the above.

It was important for my doctor to be a woman.

Unfortunately, we live in the day and age where if you call your doctor, hospital or surgery in the NHS to try and ensure your doctor is a woman, sometimes you'll be met with the wrong person who will think you're transphobic and be really rude and disrespectful and refuse to help. It took me 2 days on the phone, calling a variety of hospitals, hospital departments and NHS numbers, until I was able to find a sweet lady who was happy to ensure my doctor was female and to my surprise, she didn't even ask me to explain why it was important to me.

In the end, my appointment went just fine. I had a young, understanding, caring, gentle and lovely female doctor who was also POC, so she actually gave me a lot of insight. I arrived saying "I'm so sorry but I've never done this before and i'm so anxious" and the whole time she was listening to me, comforting me, calming me, explaining me exactly what she was doing bit by bit, being patient, empathetic... She actually told me I'd done well coming and gotten checked and explained how important it was, even if it didn't seem like a big deal or even if I wasn't sexually active at the time. Unfortunately I was right and the doctor found evidence of a more serious health problem, so I'll be getting more tests and things, but I was so happy with the doctor I got. When she told me what I might have, which is something that runs in my family, I told her I didn't know anything about that problem, so she sat and patiently and kindly told me all she knew about it, explained it's a problem many women live with and that in ethnicities such as hers or mine, it could be even more common, but she gave me the magical line "us women have had to deal with things like this since always and we always pull through, so don't worry, there's a lot we can do" and I left not feeling worried at all, rather, empowered, calmer and confident.

So don't fucking undermine the importance of being able to choose exactly the doctor you want.

[in-sufficientdata]

Posted January 22, 2019:

This is the 46th anniversary of #RoevWade and on this occasion I'd like to talk a little bit about how #HowToEvangelical when you are faced with an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy.

I was 32 and had 4 older children when I discovered I was pregnant with the twins.

I had started to suffer doubts by this time, and was struggling with the way the evangelical church treats and teaches about LGBTQ people, but I was determined to stick with my beliefs and to prove I was faithful by my actions.

This was an effect of cognitive dissonance.

I wanted to believe the things I had been so staunchly sticking with, and despite the fact that we struggled with poverty and joblessness, I saw the accidental pregnancy as a test of my faith.

So when by OB suggested termination, I immediately said no.

I had heard stories that some evangelical Christians would have abortions despite their stated beliefs, because of the hardships they would endure, and I didn't want to be one such 'failure'.

But it's more than that. I saw it as a punishment.

See, I had procrastinated on calling my OB/GYN when I had noticed the strings on my IUD were missing. So this was a 'natural consequence' style punishment. I had done something dumb and now I had to suffer for not acting.

It was more than that though. I had been having doubts.

I wanted a job. I wanted an education. I wanted to offer more love and understanding to LGBTQ people, who I was more and more coming to understand were unable to help being themselves.

I had obviously been found wanting and needed to be punished.

I left that church when my twins were 8 months. Every day of those 8 months, I looked at them as a punishment that I had been forced to endure. I cried a lot.

Now as an exvangelical when I see them I'm reminded of the misguided beliefs I held at the time.

I didn't know why we were poor when we were taught that if we had many children we would be blessed. I didn't know why I was afflicted with chronic pain and mental health problems when I constantly prayed for healing. I just knew #HowToEvangelical and how to stick with it.

Now I believe in a woman's right to choose. I believe that a woman doesn't have to obey her husband's every whim. I believe that if a child will be unwanted that the woman should be able to terminate her pregnancy. Your reasons may be different from hers; that's okay.

I still struggle now with feeling like I've missed out. I gave up on a 5-figure-a-year university scholarship to stay at home, get married, and have kids. I could have a degree now, and more, but I don't. All because I was indoctrinated into an evangelical cult at 18.

All I can do is fight for the rights of other women to choose. And that's why I commemorate #RoevWade today. We would be so much worse off without it.

[anandhospital30]

How Should You Pick a Gynecologist ?

Picking a new-or a first-gynecologist can be exceptionally distressing for ladies. This medical services supplier counsels us in the absolute most cozy fields of our wellbeing, sexuality, and prosperity. Even if we are in good health, our OB-GYNs are there for us through some of our most difficult transitions: PMS, menopause, conception, childbirth, and contraception The obstetrician is often the first person we turn to when we are in a health crisis: when our periods are late, our pregnancies are complicated, our systems fail, our Pap smears are abnormal, or we discover a dreaded breast lump. However, the majority of us spend more time selecting a hairstylist than a gynecologist! To find this crucial healthcare partner, many of us rely more on luck than strategy. Anand Maternity Hospital is one of the Most amazing Maternity Clinics in Jhotwara and Gynecologist In Jhotwara Jaipur talks about the various ways of distinguishing the best gynecologist for you.

For more information  visit Anand Maternity Hospital or

Click here - https://g.page/r/CSWIgk-N_bVHEBE/

"Your relationship with your gynecologist is quite possibly the most cozy expert relationship you might have. You should be able to trust this person with your most private or serious concerns even on the first visit, even though this relationship will take time to develop.

It's possible that your obstetrician-gynecologist, or "Ob-gyn," is your most crucial health care partner. Gynecologists (MDs or DOs) are doctors who treat issues pertaining to women's reproductive health; Obstetricians (OBs) deliver babies and provide prenatal care; All of this is done by obstetricians. Some gyn's give general essential clinical consideration too. Whether you can choose a gynecologist as your primary care provider (PCP) depends on your health plan and the state in which you live. It may also have little to do with the doctor's specific training or experience.

Finding the right gynecologist may require some initiative, time, and preparation due to the fact that they play such a central role in one of your most private aspects of your life and play such an important role in your health and well-being. However, choosing a gynecologist takes up more time for the majority of women than planning a one-week vacation! By a wide margin the most regular medically related question I'm asked connects with picking an Ob-gyn. The majority of women who inquire merely request that I recommend someone to them. Even though this seems like a simple question, the factors that need to be taken into consideration go far beyond just finding someone who is competent, caring, well-trained, and easily accessible. Unfortunately, when choosing an obsessive-compulsive physician, financial considerations frequently come first. Clearly, location and other logistical considerations are also significant. Sub-specialization is also being taken into account more and more. There is no straightforward or standard method for selecting the best OB/GYN for you. I hope that these hints will be of use!

For more information  visit Anand Maternity Hospital or

Click here - https://g.page/r/CSWIgk-N_bVHEBE/

[themomsandthecity]

You Can Get a Tattoo While Pregnant - but It’s Not Without Risks

Editor's Note:We at POPSUGAR recognize that people of many genders and identities have vaginas and uteruses and experience pregnancy, not just those who are women. For this particular story, we interviewed experts who generally referred to people with vaginas and uteruses who experience pregnancy as women. Tattoos can be a beautiful reflection of where you are in your life. Many occasions might prompt you to want a tattoo, like your nuptials (we love a wedding ring tattoo), an anniversary, a big accomplishment, a special trip, or even a pregnancy. But getting a tattoo comes with its own set of risks, some of which can feel heightened if you're also growing a human being. You may be wondering, "Can I get a tattoo while pregnant?" - and it's a valid concern. That's why we spoke to an expert to answer your potential safety questions, from "Can pregnant women get tattoos?" to "Can you get a tattoo while breastfeeding?" Before you head to the tattoo parlor with your baby bump in tow, be sure to educate yourself on whether you can get tattoos while pregnant. Because when you get inked with a burgeoning belly, you're tattooing for two. Can You Get a Tattoo While Pregnant? Yes, but it's not risk-free. "Little information is available about the safety of skin dyes used for tattooing during pregnancy," according to the American Pregnancy Association (APA). "It is possible that the chemicals in the dye may affect the development of the baby during the first 12 weeks." There isn't yet enough evidence to determine how tattooing can affect the baby during the remainder of the pregnancy. In addition to concerns for baby, there are also some risks for the parent. "The main concern with tattooing during pregnancy is the risk for contracting an infection such as Hepatitis B or C and HIV," Natasha Spencer, MD, an ob-gyn for Orlando Health Physician Associates, tells POPSUGAR. And since pregnant people are immunocompromised - and getting a tattoo carries with it the risk of infection - the nine months between getting a positive test and delivering your baby are not ideal for ink. "If an infection were to develop afterward, treating with antibiotics can be tricky," Dr. Spencer explains. Due to all of these potential risks, the APA recommends waiting to get a tattoo until after your baby is born. Can You Get a Tattoo While Breastfeeding? The risks of getting a tattoo while breastfeeding are similar to getting a tattoo while pregnant. Transmission of disease and infection are the primary concerns. Dr. Spencer suggests waiting up to a year postpartum to get a tattoo, "especially if you are exclusively breastfeeding." There is a small but potential risk that you could pass the infection to your baby, according to the APA. Ultimately, a new baby is a great reason to celebrate, and the decision to get a tattoo while pregnant is all yours. While there isn't a ton of evidence-based research on the fetal risks of getting a tattoo while pregnant, infection and disease remain the primary concerns. And most experts recommend that it's probably best to deliver, finish breastfeeding, and then head to the tattoo parlor. Related: 7 Tattoo Trends That Will Dominate in 2023 https://www.popsugar.com/family/can-you-get-tattoo-while-pregnant-47962163?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[rajpatel365]

Best Gynecologist........

6 things to know before visiting a gynaecologist

             It can be awkward to see a gynecologist for the first time. You ought to be able to talk about the most private aspects of yourself with a gynecologist or OB/GYN. Such information sharing is essential for your health. A strong working relationship between you and your gynaecologist will help to ensure your general wellbeing.

Following is a quick checklist of items you should be aware of or take care of if you are having second thoughts about seeing a gynecologist:

1. Select a qualified gynecologist

The initial gynaecologist visit needs to be with a trustworthy professional because they will be the ones to have access to your sensitive information. Therefore, using references is the best method to approach the procedure. While you study the gynaecologist, ask your friends and family for recommendations. Choosing the correct person is crucial since it is simpler to exchange information with someone you can trust. Plus, you wouldn't want to go through the awkward first few trips again. Additionally, the choice of a male or female gynaecologist is entirely yours.

2. You may bring a companion with you.

If you bring a companion, the first appointment to the gynaecologist will be a little less awkward. Now, it's entirely up to you whether you want them to wait politely outside or participate in your check-up. Many women find that having a support system enables them to speak more clearly and openly about their issues. You can gradually start sharing your personal information with a trustworthy buddy.

3. Be open and honest with your gynecologist about everything.

Honesty is a good policy in a gynecologist's office. You may feel anxious, but you HAVE to reveal every aspect of your privates. A skilled physician will make you feel at ease while probing you with several questions. They are responsible for handling all of your concerns, whether they relate to menstruation, reproductive health, strange discharges, or vaginal odour. There is no justification for being ashamed by queries; they are perfectly acceptable. All details provided to your gynaecologist are kept private and confidential.

4. You don't have to wax or shave your pubic hair.

For your first gynaecologist appointment, you don't need to worry about how your privates look or bother to make them pretty. The gynaecologists have seen it all and are skilled at navigating them. You do need to be careful to keep it clean down there, though. All you need to do before your appointment is wipe your vagina. Don't wax or shave, especially if you have any exams coming up, as this could lead to inflammation.

5. When will you have your testing completed?

Here are a few things that will keep you from panicking if the purpose for your appointment is a few tests. Get comfortable first. To feel more comfortable throughout the operation, try to relax your vaginal, stomach, and butt muscles.

Now, you might have a little discomfort during some examinations, but it shouldn't hurt. If it does, you need to tell the doctor right away.

It is advisable not to schedule any testing with your gynaecologist during your menstrual cycle, unless the issue is with menstruation. The blood might cause the test results to be unreliable, and the fluctuating hormone levels can make you feel uneasy.

Additionally, if you're having a pelvic exam, avoid having sexual activity for two days before to the visit as it could affect the accuracy of the results.

6. You don't require a justification to visit your gynaecologist

A gynaecologist is like your best friend, and you don't need a reason to meet them, as we said at the beginning. So feel free to approach them if you want to talk about even the tiniest issues, stop by for a brief conversation, or seek their advice on tests. Keep all your inhibitions aside and ask questions, whether the topic is sex, reproductive health, or something as simple as skin discoloration.

DR. MANASI THAKUR

MS, DNB(OBGY), Dip. MAS(AMASI)

Obstetrician and Gynecologist

Dr. Manasi Thakur is a leading Obstetrician and Gynaecologist in Nagpur, India. She has successfully completed MBBS and M.S, DNB (OBGY) with a first-class grade. She has completed her MRCOG-2 (UK) Diploma and minimal access surgery (AMASI) Diploma too. She specialises in cosmetic and laparoscopic gynaecological surgeries. Dr Manasi has presented papers in national conferences and published papers in renowned journals worldwide

[heyitsmerose]

Ateez Reaction to their s/o having pmdd (Maknae Line)

PMDD - (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) Is a menstrual disorder that many women have that causes extremely painful period cramps, nauseousness, sever mood swings and is overall quite frustrating to deal with. I am writing this imagine from my experience of pmdd, however remember everyone’s body is different, and in no way do I want to generalise any illness. Okay thank you, happy reading! :)

Word Count: 2.5k

Mature Language*

Smut content

San: 

It was a normal day at the dorm, and you and San hadn’t seen each other in a while. Deciding to pay him a visit, you made your way to their dorm to surprise him. You packed some dinner and made your way to the dorm. Upon reaching, you were greeted by Seonghwa and Hongjoong, who were also at the dorm at the time, the rest had gone out, either to practice, or just to do something else. You entered San’s room and sat on his bed waiting for him. He was in the washroom taking a bath, and so you just simply waited for a bit. 

About 10 minutes later, San emerged from the washroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Once he saw you asleep on the bed, he chuckled and got changed as quietly as possible, trying not to wake you up. After he was done, he decided to sit next to you wake you up gently.

“Babe, it’s me, wake up now please, I wanna see youu” He whined. You readjusted in the bed and got up feeling a little dazed.

You got up and just observed him. The way he was smiling so lovingly at you, the way he had both arms under you, holding the small of your back, lifting you up, his sweet yet husky scent, the way his wet hair was pushed back, the way the thin black fabric of his full sleeved button up allowed you to see all his defined muscles, and you couldn’t help but think about how perfect he was. Still in a daze, you just whispered a hello, and being the affectionate person San was, he immediately took you in his lap and sat you down facing him. He tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear and you hugged him tighter. You hid your face in his chest as you tried to work out and process these weird emotions. You felt bubbly and weird, with a lump forming in your throat. 

“Hey, look at me hun!” He teased, laughing and giggling, while lifting your chin up. He pressed a kiss to your nose and that sent you off the edge. Soon, warm tears started pouring out your eyes and you couldn’t form any words. 

“Y/N, Y/N, Babe, are you alright, did I hurt you?” He panicked taking your face in both of his hands. You couldn’t get any words out and simply sobbed. You didn’t know what you were feeling and why you were feeling these feelings and tried to stop, but to no avail.

“I-, I-,” You tried getting out, but unable to take in enough air, you weren’t able to speak. 

“Hey, hey, hey, Y/N, take it easy, breath in and breath out, I’m sorry if I did something to upset you.” He pouted and looked at you.

“No!” You suddenly interrupted taking him by surprise 

“I just love you so much, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m an emotional mess, why are you so perfecttt” You rambled, whining your words at the end, and crying again. By this point you had gotten the attention of Hongjoong and Seonghwa too, and they were watching the both of you secretly through the doorway.

“Wait, what?” San asked a little confused.

“I said you’re so perfect, you’re just so fucking amazing and you make me feel these emotions that I’ve never felt before, I just feel so lucky and happy that you’re mine, it’s overwhelming.” You said finally, getting that off your chest. 

“Well, I love you too Y/N, and I bet I love you more” he said with his eyes full of tears too. It was overwhelming to him too, how much you loved and valued him.

“Yah, San-ah I’m on my period I’m allowed to act all sappy and moody, you’re nott” You both chuckled and laughed at each other.

“Well, what can I do, I just love you so much” he replied and you wiped his tears. You heard whistles from the doorway and knew it was Hongjoong and Seonghwa. 

You stayed as close to each other as possible for the rest of the evening, not even leaving one another to go anywhere.

Mingi: 

You were on your period and Mingi was well aware of it. A few days before your period you always felt a little needy, and by now Mingi was used to your mood swings and weird behaviour. What he didn’t anticipate however, was you having pmdd. Neither did you. He’s had girlfriends before, and although he didn’t mean to compare, he noticed your symptoms were a little more extreme compared to everyone else. In fact, he was the one that suggested you go to the doctor, and thus here you were.

You had come to the OB/GYN with your boyfriend Mingi, since he was concerned for you. You always went through this, and been doing so for the past 10 years, so you didn’t think much of it. However when Mingi once came across you throwing up and crying in pain, he knew something was wrong. He found that you had been hiding your symptoms to not bother him. As you had expected, the second he found out, he freaked out and booked an appointment with the doctor. At the moment, you were answering a few questions about your symptoms and were surprised to find that every single symptom matched yours. You just assumed that everyone went through this every month, apparently not. You were starting to get worried. What if you weren’t normal, what if there was actually something really wrong with you. You interlaced your fingers with Mingi, and filled out the rest of the forms, describing your symptoms to the nurse. The nurse noted down your symptoms, sighed and left the room. You started biting your nails and bouncing your knee, your were getting nervous.

“Hey, Y/N” Mingi called to you lovingly “What’s wrong, you seem nervous”

“Mingi, what if it’s something serious, like what if I have cancer or something?” You suddenly blurted out. Mingi frowned and took both your hands in his.

“Hey, don’t say that, for all we know, it could be normal and you would just need a few meds, I promise It won’t be as bad as you think” He assured you, but inside he was just as nervous and scared, if not, maybe even a little more than you.

A few minutes later, the nurse arrived inside the room with your results printed on a piece of paper. She handed it to you, and you read through it while also trying to pay attention to what she was saying.

“Miss, Y/N, you most likely have, what’s known as Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. Its similar to PMS but is a little more severe. It won’t cause too much trouble to your life however we’d suggest taking birth control to help reduce the symptoms slightly” She suggested looking at the both of you. She proceeded to leave to room to give you both some space. You looked up at Mingi, and he smiled back down at you.

“See, it’s nothing too serious, besides, birth control gives us an excuse to have more sex” He laughed at you while you playfully shoved him.

You were thankful to have such a caring boyfriend like Mingi, who always looked out for you. For the months and years to come, he always made sure you took your medicines and eased the pain and helped in whatever way he could. 

Wooyoung:

You and Wooyoung were such a power couple. Both of you being complete crackheads, there was not one day that was boring in your relationship. You always knew how to match each others energy and took risks together. That’s what you loved about him, his ability to keep up with your crazy personality. In fact, it’s quite cheesy, but you truly completed each other, he knew you inside and out and you knew him completely too. 

You had come out to a restaurant to just spend some time with one another and were enjoying each other’s company. It was rare to have moments like these, where it was just the both of you, and you loved spending time with each other.

You were halfway through dinner, eating your appetisers, when all of a sudden, you felt a wet feeling down your leg. You cursed realising you could have potentially leaked out of your tampon, and excused yourself to go use the washroom. Once you left, you quickly wobbled to a stall and pulled your underwear down to check. As you predicted, you had in fact leaked, but it was worse than you thought. The bottom of your dress was completely stained red, and your underwear was completely soaked in blood. You tampon was lost somewhere in the red ocean of blood and you had no clue what to do. You realised you left your phone on the table, so you couldn’t do anything. You sat on the toilet, with nothing to do just contemplating what you should do next. 

Meanwhile, Wooyoung was just waiting for you on the table itself. After around 20 minutes passed, he started to get worried and checked his phone to see check if he got any messages from you. He then glanced to your side and noticed your phone still there on the table. Looking back at his phone he checked the time... and the date. Cursing to himself quietly, he realised that it was that time of the month, and knowing you had pmdd, he knew something must have probably happened. Without another thought, he ran to the washroom slamming the door open.

“Y/N? Babe? are you there?” You heard Wooyoungs voice call out. 

“Wooyoung? Thank god, I’m like stuck here and I don’t know what to do.” You said relieved that he finally noticed you were gone. 

“Okay, no one’s here in the washroom, I’m locking the washroom door, could you open your stall door?” You obliged and opened your stall door, greeting him with a bunch of blood on the floor and completely destroyed underwear. He snickered at your situation began removing him pants.

“Woo, what the fuck are you doing?” You asked him thinking he was going crazy.

“Calm down, just take my boxers and like wrap them in some tissue paper, it should work as a makeshift pad. Also I’ll give you my denim jacket, just tie it around your waist or something” He said removing his underwear. You quickly agreed and wore his underwear after stuffing it with tissue paper. He then gave you his jacket and you wrapped it around your waist. He pulled back up his pants, threw your underwear in the dustbin and cleaned up after you. You were in that point of your relationship where both of you were completely comfortable with eachother, so this was nothing major. Once he was done and walked in front of you, you took the opportunity to smack his ass. 

“Wow, maybe you should just not wear underwear” You laughed at him

“Very funny” He sarcastically responded back. 

Jonho:

You were at Jongho’s place and were just laying on his bed. You both had been dating for not too long, around 1 month at max, and you still always felt a little uncomfortable, or rather self conscious and insecure around him. Besides, he was everyones dream guy, with a voice sweeter than honey and not to mentioned those muscles, while you were just, you. You tried your best to always act as nice and proper as you could, and still hadn’t completely opened up to him yet. Jongho on the other hand, was falling for you, hard. He was absolutely smitten and no other person had ever made him feel this way. He loved when you visited as you got to spend time with each other.

You were just on your phone, while he was downstairs getting something to eat. You popped a breath mint in your mouth, and readjusted your position to get more comfortable. After laying there for a few minutes, Jongho came back with some strawberries and chocolate, the perfect, lowkey yet romantic food ever. You made sure to eat them slowly and properly, too scared you’d scare him away by scarfing them down. Jongho on the other had, had no problem eating them quickly. You just laughed at him and looked at him lovingly. He noticed you staring at him and a bright smile spread across his face. Wanting to get a little closer, he took the first step and decided to pull you closer to him by your waist. You jumped a little at the movement, but soon scooted towards him, and laid your head on his shoulder. Trying to ease the tension and make the situation a little less awkward, Jongho put his hand on the bed, around you. What he didn’t anticipate however was for there to be a wet spot, of blood. He quickly peeked behind you and saw a giant spot of blood, where you were sitting before. Not wanting to embarrass you, he calmly said...

“Hey, Y/N, you seem to have had a little accident, don’t worry, I’ll clean it up, I have a hoodie you can wear, and you can borrow my boxers too, if you’d like. I’ll just get some pads from the nearby pharmacy too, just a sec” He said smiling at you and getting up. However for you, this was your worst nightmare. 

“Wait what?” You looked to your side to see a giant red patch of blood on his light blue sheets. You gasped and to your horror, he had already gotten up pulling the bedsheets off. 

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry, I’ll deal with it, please come back in a few minutes or something, I don’t want you to see me like this, please” You begged him tears leaving your eyes from panic and embarrassment. He didn’t move however, continuing on with what he was doing.

“No, no, no, Jongho, please, this is so embarrassing, please, I’ll clean it up” You said, your voice cracking multiple times. Jongho immediately left what he was doing and walked to you holding your chin with his fingers.

“Hey, hey, hey Y/N, you have no reason to be embarrassed, this is natural and I love you, it’s alright.” He said, not realising the impact of his words

“You love me?” You asked clarifying, maybe your ears had deceived you.

“Um, well, yeah-” He said stuttering a blush growing on his cheeks. You took the opportunity and for the first time in your relationship, you kissed him softly and responded...

“I love you too”

[iamtrebleclefstories]

maybe it’s wrong to say I love you - part three Part Three: This Love

this love is good, this love is bad, this love is alive back from the dead

In honor of Nina’s ( @doc-pickles​ ) birthday, enjoy Part 3 of this fic that has taken my whole heart. It’s a super long, monstrosity of an update, but I hope it’s everything you never knew you needed. It might be my favorite thing I’ve ever written. Let me know what you think in the comments!

Find parts one and two on my Master List

-This love is good-

-This love is bad-

Since deciding to stay in Seattle two days ago, Alex hadn’t had a chance to apologize to Jo for what he’d said. He hadn’t seen her around the hospital and was beginning to worry that maybe he’d caused her to run. Tired of acting like a wuss, Alex finally made his way over to L&D where he knew she spent most of her time. It wasn’t that far or out of the way for him since the NICU was on the same floor, but he didn’t venture to that side more than a couple times a week.

As Alex was nearing the L&D doors, he heard a couple whimpers coming from a supply closet on his left. He paused and pressed his ear to the door, trying to figure out what was going. Realizing that there was definitely someone inside the room crying, Alex knocked quietly and let himself in.

“Hey, I just heard some crying outside and I wanted to make sure everything was okay,” Alex scanned the room for the source of the cries. He locked eyes with teary-faced Jo. “Jo.”

“What are you doing here?” Jo’s eyes red from crying. “I thought you left for Baltimore.”

“I decided to stay,” Alex stepped closer and crouched down to where she was seated in the corner. Jo looked at him expectantly so he responded. “I couldn’t leave things the way they were. I didn’t mean what I said the other night. I’m sorry. We matter. You matter. Our friendship matters. And I don’t know about you, but I’d really love to have my best friend back.”

“I’m sorry too,” Jo sniffled. “I was just… I’m going through something and everything just kind of came crumbling all at once. Part of it was me being pissed as hell at you, but the other part was me just projecting my own issues.”

“Are you okay? Is it Paul?” Alex sat down next to her on the floor. “Because I swear if he got out early and tries to come find you, I’ll—”

“No it’s not Paul,” Jo let out a watery laugh. “It has nothing to do with him.”

Alex watched as Jo began crying again, her chest heaving slightly as she fought with whatever was plaguing her thoughts. Unable to resist this time, Alex placed his arm around her shoulders and brought Jo into a hug for the first time in over three years. He waited patiently as Jo broke down in his arms, rubbing her back and shoulders comfortingly.

There was something about being in Alex’s embrace after so long that made her finally give into the emotions she was feeling. Maybe it was because despite their rocky history, Jo knew she was completely and utterly safe to be one hundred percent herself around him. She felt secure enough to truly process all of the changes she’d experienced in the last seventy-two hours.

“I’m pregnant,” Jo shared quietly after minutes of silence. She felt Alex’s body tense slightly and hesitate in his movements before nodding, a signal for her to continue. “I found out four days ago. I’m about eight weeks.” Jo paused and let her eyes flit over to Alex’s face. His eyebrows were raised in surprise, but he nodded at her to keep going. “I—uh, I’ve been suspecting it for a couple weeks now. I’m a fetal surgeon. I’m surrounded by pregnant women every day.” Jo huffed a laugh. “But, I think I was so far in denial that I didn’t want to recognize it. Anyway, I took a blood test four days ago and it confirmed my suspicion. That’s why I was a mess when we spoke two days ago. I’d been holding onto this secret all by myself and didn’t know how to handle it, so I just yelled at you, because I knew I couldn’t talk to you about what was going on in my life without breaking down exactly like I did a few minutes ago.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Alex asked, concerned. “Does the father know?”

“You remember that douche-bag ex-boyfriend I mentioned?” Jo laughed ironically. “Well, after the argument you and I had, I called him. I thought you were leaving and never wanted to see me again, so I might as well call Jason and see if I could fix things. We were gonna have a baby.” Jo took a deep breath and wiped a couple straggling tears. “When I told him that I wanted to keep the baby, he wasn’t happy. He said that he wasn’t going to put his career on hold and neither should I over a mistake. So, I suggested getting him in the OB program here. We could work together again and raise the baby together… That's when he yelled at me. He wanted me to have an abortion and I said no. Then he said, ‘yeah go ahead and have the baby. You’ll be having it alone in Seattle. Don’t call me again, or try to contact me for help.’ And he hung up.”

“I’m gonna be a single mom,” Jo bit her lip as she tried to hold back some tears. “And I’m okay with that. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m ready for this. I’m ready to be a mom. Sure, the timing could’ve been better and I never pictured it happening this way, but I want this baby. I want to do this. I’m just… I’m scared. What if I’m not good at it?”

“Jo, you’ve never not been good at something,” Alex looked at Jo for a moment in awe. She really was the strongest person he had ever met. “For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be a great mom.”

“I have my first appointment tomorrow,” Jo sighed. “That’s why I was in here, crying. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I never pictured myself going to my first prenatal appointment alone. I could ask Mer or Bailey, but they both have a lot on their plates right now. They don’t need something else to worry about.”

“Why don’t I go with you?” Alex suggested.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Jo made a face and pulled away slightly from his embrace in order to get a good look at him.

“I can go with you,” Alex repeated. “Just tell me what time and exam room you’ll be in and I’ll be there.”

“I don’t know, Alex,” Jo shook her head. “Just because I cried in front of you doesn’t mean you have to feel like you have to go. I can handle it by myself. I’m good at being alone. I’ve gotten used to it.”

“But that’s the thing. You don’t have to be alone. Not anymore,” Alex took her hand in his own. “You’ve got people now. So many people who give so many craps about whether or not you’re okay. You’ve got me and I mean it this time. I know I haven’t given you much reason to trust me, but I want to be your friend again.”

“Alex…”

“Listen, you told me once that you pictured doing this with me, so let me go with you. Not as your boyfriend or whatever, but as your friend. You shouldn’t be alone. You were there for me when I got shot. I didn’t know that back then, but I know that now. I want to be there for you,” Alex’s mouth curved into a crooked grin. “Besides, if I don’t go with you the nurse is gonna give you that stupid pitying look and ask if ‘you wanna discuss your options.’ I’m doing you a favor.”

“You know, I really hate that you know me so well that you knew exactly what to say,” Jo let out a short laugh, “Fine. You can come. My appointment is tomorrow morning at 8am. Meet me here. Don’t be late.”

—————

-This love is alive back from the dead, oh, oh, oh-

8 Weeks

“You came,” Jo stared at Alex in slight disbelief as he walked up to her outside the OB/GYN wing.

“Of course I came. I told you I’d be here,” Alex gave her a shy smile. “You okay?”

“Nervous,” Jo shoved her hand into her pockets. “Just because I want this doesn’t make it any less nerve wracking or scary. I’m just glad I’m not alone.”

“I’m glad you told me and I get to be here with you,” Alex grabbed her hand and squeezed it lightly. “Did you already sign-in?”

“No not yet,” Jo shook her head. “I haven’t walked in yet. I was waiting.”

“Well, I’m here so, let go,” Alex held the door open and walked closely behind Jo as she went up to the front desk to check in for her appointment. Once she was done, he placed his hand on the small of her back and guided her over to a set of chairs in the corner.

After a few minutes, a nurse stepped out and called her name, “Josephine Wilson.”

Jo stood up and looked back at Alex expectantly. He stood up and gripped her hand in his own, walking back towards the exam room with her. The nurse gave her the same instructions that Jo herself had listed off to patients countless times.

“Alright, just remove your pants and get settled onto the exam table, legs in the stirrups. If you want, I’ve left a gown on the table for you to change into. Dr. Hopewell will be in shortly.”

Jo nodded and began removing her scrubs, handing them to Alex who folded them and placed them on the chair next to him. She donned the gown and slipped her panties off swiftly, tucking them in between her pants. She took a shaky breath as Alex helped her up onto the table, “Thank you. For coming. It means a lot. It’s nice to not be alone.”

“There’s no place I’d rather be,” Alex pressed a kiss on the hand that was being held firmly in his own. “You are and always have been my best friend. You were there for me in my darkest moments and you celebrated with me during some of my happiest ones. There’s no way I’d want to be anywhere else rather than here with you, right now. And if you let me, I plan on being here for you for the long run.”

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. A young woman in her thirties walked in, a surprised look on her face, “Dr. Wilson. And Dr. Karev. It’s a surprise seeing you here.”

“Dr. Hopewell,” Jo smiled shyly. “Call me Jo. We work together and you’re about to see all my lady-bits so might as well drop the formalities.”

Dr. Hopewell chuckled, “Well, Jo, call me Amanda.” She got into position and fired up the ultrasound machine as Jo placed her legs up in the stirrups. “I have to say, I didn’t expect to see you on this side of the table.”

“Neither did I,” Jo mumbled. “But life happens and you roll with the punches.”

“So I take it this was not a planned pregnancy,” Amanda asked.

“Definitely not,” Jo huffed a short laugh. “But it is wanted.”

“Okay,” Amanda smiled and looked over at Alex. “How are you feeling?”

“Oh, I—uh, I’m not the dad,” Alex stuttered. “I’m just here to support Jo.”

“Alex is my best friend,” Jo looked up at Alex to see his face of surprise at her admitting that she still saw him that way after so many years. “He didn’t want me to be alone for my first appointment.”

“That’s really kind of you Karev. If only there were more friends like you,” Amanda gave him a small smile before turning her attention back to Jo. “I don’t mean to pry, but I just want to have all the facts straight so that way I can best support you during this pregnancy. Is the father out of the picture?”

“Yes,” Jo answered, biting her lip. “It’s just me.”

“Alright,” Amanda nodded. “You know that means that I will be available to you should you ever need my help. You also need to surround yourself with a great support system. You need people that will help you when you need help, even when you’re too stubborn to ask for it. Single moms are notorious for believing that they are not allowed to ask for help. Don’t fall into that trap. Find your people, your tribe. Although, I see you are off to a very good start considering that Dr. Karev is here with you today.”

“She’s got people,” Alex gave Jo a crooked smile and turned back to Dr. Hopewell. “So, are we gonna see this baby or what?”

“Yes! Alright, Jo, we’re doing a vaginal ultrasound today. I’m going to stick the transducer inside you now. It’s going to be cold and you might feel some pressure or discomfort, but never pain. If it hurts let me know and I’ll stop,” Amanda smiled encouragingly. “Okay, I’m starting now.”

Jo winced slightly at the intrusion of the transducer and tried her best to stay relaxed. She felt Alex run his free hand through her hair, providing a welcome distraction as Hopewell looked on the screen for the fetus. Amanda moved and adjusted her position a few times before an image finally came up on screen, “Aha, there it is. There’s your baby.”

Jo watched in wonder as she saw the tiny blob on the screen. She felt Alex squeeze her hand again as he laughed, “Hey, would you look at that. There’s a baby in there. A tiny Baby Wilson.”

“Woah,” Jo let out and smiled. She looked over to Amanda who’d been taking some measurements. “Can we hear the heartbeat?”

“Of course,” Amanda reached over on the machine and punched some buttons before a steady, quick sound exited the speakers.

“Oh,” Jo gasped and lifted a hand to cover her mouth as she listened to her baby’s heartbeat flutter through the speakers. Tears collected in her eyes at the sound. “Hey, baby.”

“Jo, you’re gonna be a mom,” Alex grinned down at her and wiped a couple tears that had trickled down her face. He felt his own eyes grow watery at the sight and sound of the little life currently developing in Jo’s womb.

Fifteen minutes later, Jo and Alex were walking out of the exam room, each with an ultrasound photo in their hands. Alex beamed as he looked down proudly at the picture he was holding, “I’m gonna put this on my fridge.”

“You are way too excited about this,” Jo rolled her eyes.

“Of course I’m excited,” Alex wrapped his arm around Jo’s shoulder. “I’m going to be an uncle!”

“An uncle?” Jo raised her eyebrows. “Who said that you’re going to be an uncle?”

“I did,” Alex replied simply. “I better be an uncle. Actually, I better be the godfather.”

Jo’s eyes shined in amusement, “We’ll see.”

“We’ll see?” Alex made a face. “Oh, hell no. You want to continue having an appointment buddy, I want to at least be Uncle Alex.”

“Fine. You can be Uncle Alex,” Jo laughed.

“Thank you.”

—————

-These hands had to let it go free, and-

-This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh-

11 Weeks

“You okay?” Alex lingered in the doorway of the bathroom of the frat house as he heard Jo puking into the toilet.

“No,” Jo groaned and lifted her head to see Alex’s look of concern. “I’m sorry. I know I came over to help you furnish this place since obviously neither you or Cristina are capable of doing it on your own and now I’m here monopolizing your bathroom.”

“Jo, it’s fine. You don’t have to apologize for having morning sickness,” Alex walked into the bathroom and crouched down by Jo, pulling her hair back. “I thought you’d gotten past the morning sickness already, though.”

“So did I,” Jo retched.

“Ew, morning sickness Jo?” Cristina entered the bathroom.

“Uh huh,” Jo nodded weakly, leaning her head against Alex’s chest. “I think I’m okay. You guys can go. I’m just going to rinse my mouth out.”

“Okay,” Alex motioned for Cristina to follow him out of the bathroom.

Cristina and Alex wandered into the kitchen and waited for Jo to come out of the bathroom. Cristina stared at the eight week ultrasound photo on the fridge that had given away the news of Jo’s pregnancy when she saw it hanging after showing up unannounced. She eyed Alex suspiciously, “You’re really invested in this.”

“Of course I am. She’s my best friend,” Alex scrunched his face in confusion.

“Are you sure the kid isn’t yours?” Cristina raised an eyebrow.

“Already told you it isn’t,” Alex shot Cristina an unimpressed look. “She’s eleven weeks pregnant. She’s been back for seven. I think you know how to add. Besides, it’s not like that between us. We’re just friends.”

“Just friends my ass,” Cristina scoffed. “I’ve been back for two days and I can tell you are still as in love with her as you were the first time.”

"Okay, yeah i love her. So, what?" Alex shrugged. "I think I always will, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna do anything about it. She's pregnant and she's moved on and she doesn't need me complicating her life with feelings. Maybe one day it will be different, but right now, this is the way things are. So, I'm just gonna be a good friend to her and I'm gonna be there for whatever she and this baby need."

"Who are you and what have you done with Evil Spawn?" Cristina mused.

"Shut up," Alex rolled his eyes.

Cristina was about to open her mouth to speak again when Jo walked out of the bathroom. Cristina shut her mouth quickly, gaining a strange look from Jo. Jo narrowed her eyes at her two friends,  "What?"

"Nothing." Cristina and Alex answered in tandem.

"Well, I'm going to Mer's house. I probably won't come back tonight, so try not to burn the house down while I'm gone," Cristina nodded at the pair and made her way out the house.  

“Don’t tell Mer!” Jo yelled after her.

“I won’t,” Cristina yelled back.

"She should've just moved in with Mer and Derek," Jo commented as she watched Cristina walk out the door. “Doesn’t she have a room over there?”

“Yup,” Alex chuckled. “I don’t pretend to understand them.”

Jo forced a smile as she felt some dizziness. She closed her eyes for a second, hoping that Alex wouldn’t notice the shift in her demeanor. Of course, she should’ve known that Alex was overly attentive of her every change in mood.

“What’s going on?” Alex asked as he led Jo to take a seat on the staircase since there wasn’t any furniture in the house yet.

Jo took a couple deep breaths, “Somethings wrong. Alex, something is really wrong.”

“Are you in pain? Are you bleeding?” Alex searched frantically for any sight of blood or tenderness in her abdomen.

“I need to go to the hospital. I need an ultrasound. I need to see my baby,” Jo’s breaths grew shallower.

“Okay, Jo. Calm down. Think rationally. You’re a fetal surgeon. You know what things to look for in case something is wrong. You’re probably just dehydrated,” Alex tried to soothe her.

“That’s my point, Alex. I am a fetal surgeon. I know exactly what can go wrong. I have every worst case scenario running through my head right now and that scares the crap out of me because I didn’t know you could love someone so much. If something goes wrong, I can’t help this baby. I can’t operate on myself,” Jo placed a hand on her still flat stomach and wiped a couple straying tears with the other. “So please, don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I ask you to take me to the hospital. Something doesn’t feel right. Please, I just want an ultrasound. I need to make sure my baby is okay.”

Alex saw her distress and conceded, "Okay. We'll go right now."

By the time they’d arrived at the hospital, Jo had begun bleeding. She was shaking with fear as Alex helped her out of the car and carried her into the ER. He bypassed the front desk and placed her on an empty bed, ignoring the confused stares from the likes of Owen and Bailey.

Alex flagged down an intern and barked orders, fear evident in his voice, “You! Drop whatever you’re doing. Get me a portable ultrasound right now!”

The terrified intern scurried over to do as Alex had instructed. Alex leaned down to press a light kiss on Jo’s forehead as she clutched his hand tightly, “Hey. You’re okay. Whatever happens, you’ll be okay. Do you want me to page Hopewell or Herman?”

“No, we don’t call the big guns until there’s something to worry about,” Jo shook her head. “You do it. I trust you.”

“What’s going on here?” Owen asked as he walked up to Jo’s bed.

“Is everything alright, Wilson?” Bailey rushed over to Jo’s bedside.

“I think I might be having a miscarriage,” Jo trembled.

Bailey’s eyes opened wide, “Oh sweetheart.”

“Where the hell is that damn ultrasound?” Alex growled in annoyance.

“Right here!” The intern Alex had tasked with retrieving the ultrasound machine finally came back with the device in hand. “Do you want me to—”

“Just give it to me,” Alex grabbed the machine and got it ready. He had Jo pull up her shirt and he squirted the gel on her abdomen, placing the probe on her stomach. The doctors let out a collective sigh of relief when they heard the heartbeat flutter through the speakers. “It’s okay, Jo. You see? The baby is okay. He or she is in there having a party.”

“Oh thank God,” Jo let out a quiet sob, feeling Bailey smooth her hair down in a comforting manner. She placed her hand on the screen. “Hi baby. You scared the crap out of me. Don’t do that ever again, please. I already love you so much.”

Alex felt all his worries dissipate as he spoke to Jo’s stomach, “God, you really enjoy freaking us out, don’t you?”

“You’re having a baby? My baby is having a baby?” Bailey asked, a smile on her face.

“Yeah,” Jo nodded and wiped a few tears away. “I’m having a baby.”

“Congratulations,” Owen smiled sincerely. He turned to look between Alex and Jo. “So are you two back together or..?”

“Oh, no. I’m not the dad,” Alex laughed awkwardly. “I’m just here as a friend. She was at my house to help me pick out furniture when she asked me to take her to the hospital.”

“Hmm,” Bailey raised an eyebrow, partly unconvinced, partly sure that those two would be together again eventually. “Well, I’m going to call OB down to give you a full work-up. They’ll take blood work and everything.”

“Yes, I’ll make sure that we figure out what’s going on. The baby looks fine though, so I’m not sure why you’re bleeding,” Owen spoke to Jo. “I’m also going to set you up in a room overnight. I know that’s not common but I also know that if I release you, you’re going to want to come in tomorrow morning to work and that’s not going to happen. So, you’re staying here.”

“Fine,” Jo huffed. “But only because I know I need to take it easy if I want to keep cooking this baby for six more months.”

“I’ll stay with you,” Alex said as he wiped the gel off of her stomach and put the machine away.

“Alex, you don’t have to. I’ll be okay on my own,” Jo placed a hand on his arm.

“I know you will. But you don’t have to be. I want to stay with you,” Alex insisted, covering her hand with his own. “Let me stay with you.”

“Okay,” Jo‘s lips twitched slightly.

Bailey and Owen watched from the side as Alex fretted over Jo and yelled at interns to do their jobs right. The two exchanged a look and Owen spoke, “For someone who isn’t the father, he sure is acting like it.”

“He’s in love with her,” Bailey shrugged. “He’s been in love with her practically since day one. He hasn’t said it, but he could care less if that baby was his or not. She’s his person. He’s still going to love her. He’s still going to be there for her and protect her. That’s who he is.”

——————

-Lantern, burning-

-Flickered in the night, only you-

13 Weeks

“Guess what!” Jo grinned as she walked into the attendings’ lounge.

“What?” Cristina asked as she looked up from the medical journal she’d been reading.

“Look!” Jo lifted up her shirt to reveal the tiniest beginnings of the curve of her stomach. “I’m starting to get a bump!”

“Hey baby Wilson,” Alex beamed and walked up to place a hand on Jo’s abdomen. “It’s good to see you.”

“You’re such a dork,” Jo rolled her eyes. “Anyway, that’s not the only reason I came in here this morning. I also have the results back from the prenatal screening. Baby seems to be completely healthy.”

“That’s great,” April said from her spot by the coffee machine.

After Jo’s scare that had her in the hospital a two weeks ago, everyone found out about her pregnancy rather quickly. After all, gossip made its way around the hospital like wildfire. It wasn’t a surprise when Jo woke up the morning after the ordeal to find Meredith glaring at her from the doorway of her hospital room. Once the initial shock and round of questions wore off, everyone had gotten excited and supportive rather quickly.

“Okay, so what’s the verdict?” Meredith asked. “Am I getting fifty dollars from Avery or not?”

“I’m the one getting the fifty dollars. It’s definitely a girl,” Jackson crossed his arms over his chest in confidence.

“Nope,” Meredith shook her head. “It’s definitely a boy. Jo is such a boy mom. She gives off boy mom energy.”

“Okay everyone say your last minute predictions before I open up the envelope,” Jo chuckled.

“I say boy,” Callie took a sip of her coffee.

“Girl,” Bailey narrowed her eyes. “Yes. A girl.”

“It’s gonna be a girl,” Cristina flipped through the pages of her medical journal. “Alex is the godfather. There’s no way this kid isn’t going to end up being Evil Spawn’s worst nightmare. It has to be a girl.”

“I second that,” Derek laughed.

“No, I think it’s a boy,” Richard placed a hand on his chin.

“A boy,” April pitched. “No, a girl. No… yes… a girl. Final answer.”

“I say a boy,” Arizona smiled.

“I’m gonna go with a boy as well,” Owen nodded with Arizona.

“What about you Evil Spawn?” Cristina asked. “What do you think the baby is gonna be?”

“I don’t really care to be honest,” Alex shrugged. “As long as my godchild is happy and healthy, I could care less… but I kind of hope it’s a girl.”

“Alright, stop messing around and open the envelope,” Meredith urged.

“Okay,” Jo took a deep breath and tore the envelope open, carefully removing the paper from inside. She unfolded it and gasped. “It’s a girl!”

“Pay up Grey!” Jackson held his hand out as Meredith grumbled and retrieved fifty bucks from her purse.

“It’s a girl!” Alex grinned brightly and wrapped Jo in a tight hug. “You’re having a Baby Girl Wilson.”

“You should name her Cristina,” Yang shouted across the room. “Cristina Wilson has a nice ring to it.”

“No way,” Jackson shook his head. “Her name is gonna be Avery Wilson. I’m the one who said she was gonna be a girl first.”

“You could always go with Robbin,” Arizona smiled. “It’s a sweet nature-y name.”

“If she names the baby after anyone, it’s going to be me,” Meredith rolled her eyes. “I’m the one who kept in contact with her and helped her all those years. Besides, she has so many options if she names the baby after me. There’s Meredith, Mary, Merella, Greyson, Greysie, Mere, and I could come up with a lot of really obscure ones if given the time.”

“Love the suggestions, but not happening,” Jo laughed at her friends. "I'm not going to name her after one of you and have the rest of you hate me for it later."

“Exactly. Jo’s not going to choose between one of you guys to name her child after,” Alex smirked. “Not when we all know that the baby is going to be named Alexandra after me, her Uncle Alex.”

“Shut up,” Jo shoved him playfully. “You’re lucky I’m even letting her call you Uncle Alex. I could revoke that privilege.”

“No you can’t. Because if you did, then I wouldn’t show you the stash of chocolate pudding you’ve been craving in the lounge fridge that no one else is allowed to touch.”

“You got me the pudding I’ve been craving?” Jo gasped.

“Sure did,” Alex opened the fridge to show her the stocked shelves full of multiple boxes of chocolate pudding. “There’s a sticky note with your name on the boxes so that no one takes them. Make sure you ration it wisely.”

Jo stared at the open fridge in joy. She threw her arms around Alex’s neck and hugged him tightly, “You are the best!”

“God, he’s whipped,” Cristina commented to the rest of the doctors quietly observing the pair. “He’s so whipped he doesn’t even realize it.”

“I mean, are you really that surprised?” Meredith shrugged one shoulder. “It’s Jo we’re talking about.”

“I always liked those two together,” Richard leaned against the wall. “I never understood why he married Stevens. Not that she wasn’t a great girl—because she was—but Karev and Wilson were always different.”

“Sometimes it takes you awhile to find your way back home,” Derek wrapped his arm around Meredith. “They’ll figure out eventually.”

“A hundred bucks says they’ll cave and get together after the baby is born,” Jackson placed a bet.

“One-fifty says they get together before the baby is born,” Callie pitched in.

“Two-hundred says they get together before she hits the thirty-week mark,” Arizona grinned.

“Oh please,” Cristina rolled her eyes. “It’s Karev and Wilson. Knowing them, they’re gonna end up having crazy monkey sex for a couple months until someone cracks and word-vomits all their feelings.”

“Two-fifty says they’re going to do it first and have feelings later,” Meredith stuck her hand out in a challenge.

“You’re on,” Jackson shook Meredith’s hand.

Oblivious to the conversation going on around them, Jo and Alex continued lost in their own little world as Jo opened one of the pudding packs. Jo let out a moan, “Hell yes. This is exactly what I’ve been craving.”

“Glad you and the baby are enjoying it,” Alex smiled at her proudly.

“Ooh! I almost forgot to ask, are you going to come with me to look at more houses today after work?”

“Yeah, I’ll go with you,” Alex reached over to take a spoonful of her pudding, gaining a glare from Jo. “I don’t know why you’re so focused on trying to buy a house. Your apartment is really nice. It’s twenty minutes away from the hospital and five minutes away from me.”

“It’s a fifth floor studio apartment that has no elevator,” Jo scoffed. “I don’t exactly love the idea of having to carry my baby as well as groceries up five flights of stairs.”

“Good point,” Alex nodded. “Well, I’ve got surgery in twenty minutes, but I will see you later.”

“Sounds good,” Jo stuffed her face with another serving of chocolate pudding.

By the time the end of their shifts rolled around, Jo was utterly exhausted. Being in her second trimester, Jo was hoping that she’d gain some of her energy back soon. She’d seen plenty of moms that bounced back from various states of exhaustion once they made it past the twelve to fourteen week mark.

Jo was slumped against one of the benches outside the hospital when she heard Alex’s voice behind her, “Someone looks like they need a nap.”

“What I need is a foot rub. I just got out of a TTTS procedure and I don’t know why but my feet are burning,” Jo cast a sideways glance to Alex. “I just got off the phone with my real estate agent and guess what?

“What?” Alex asked as he sat down beside her.

“The house that I was considering has been sold.”

“Crap. Really?” Alex frowned. “What are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know,” Jo shrugged. “All of the other houses in my budget are an hour and a half away from the hospital so that’s not going to work. I guess I’m just going to have to stay in my studio apartment.”

“Why don’t you just officially move into the house with me and Cristina? You’re there all the time anyway,” Alex suggested.

Jo looked at Alex strangely, “You do know I’m having a baby right?”

“I’m not stupid,” Alex rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. Don’t worry. I’ll help you with the crib.”

He obviously was not understanding what Jo was trying to say. Jo stared at him dumbfoundedly, “That's not what—Are you sure? I don’t think Cristina is gonna like having to live across the hall from a screaming baby in a few months. I don’t think you’re going to want to sleep across the hall from a screaming baby either.”

“Jo, I’m serious,” a genuine expression on Alex’s face. “Move in with us. Cristina is barely home, she’s not gonna care. If anything, she’ll be happy because now her rent is gonna go down.”

“I don’t know… it feels weird,” Jo wrinkled her brow in thought.

“Why would it be weird?” Alex asked honestly. “Jo, it’s a frat house. Mer always left that house open for whoever needed it and as long as I own it, I’m gonna do the same. It’s your home, and you’ll always have a place there if you need it.”

“You’re absolutely positive about this?”

“Yes, Jo. I’m positive,” Alex held her hand gently. “Move into the house. I want you there.”

Jo looked down at their interlocked hands shyly and sighed, “Okay.”

——————

- Your kiss, my cheek -

- I watched you leave-

16 Weeks

“Ugh,” Jo groaned in frustration as she threw another failed attempt at knitting a pair of baby booties at the wall of her bedroom, feeling hot tears running down her face.

“You okay?” Alex popped his head into the room only to see Jo laying there on the bed with tear-stained cheeks.

“No!” Jo cried. “I can’t get this stupid thing right. I am a maternal fetal surgeon who can perform complicated procedures on tiny babies in the womb but I can’t even knit a damn pair of booties for my baby.” Jo covered her face with her hands and let out a muffled shout. “I’m sorry. It’s the hormones… so many damn hormones.”

Alex cautiously took a seat on the bed. He placed a hand on her knee causing her to flinch, “Okay… but you’re not in pain or anything right?”

“No,” Jo shook her head, face still covered.

“Then what is it really? Because you can blame it all on the fact that you can’t knit to save your life, but that’s not really gonna help anyone,” Alex’s face twitched up into a grin. “Are you upset about something else? Are you craving something? Because I can run down to the store and get it for you.”

“I’m horny!” Jo shot up into a sitting position, more tears leaking from her eyes. “I’m really freaking horny but I can’t have sex because no one is gonna sleep with a pregnant lady and I just want to have sex Alex, but my baby’s father is a son of a bitch and he’s living across the country and wants nothing to do with us.”

Alex gingerly placed a hand on her back, patting it lightly as she let another frustrated cry into his shirt. With wide eyes and an unsure expression on his face, he decided to make a suggestion, “We can get you a vibrator?”

Jo whipped her head around to look at Alex who shrugged like a dumbass. She let out a huff and flopped back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. He really was an idiot , Jo thought. She attempted to keep her focus on her breathing and the marks on the ceiling when she felt Alex’s hand make its way to her slightly curved belly. He rubbed small circles on it for some moments when she spoke up again.

“Alex.”

“Hmm?”

“I need you to leave.”

“What? Why?” Alex paused his movements to look at her strangely.

Jo groaned, “I need you to leave because I’m very horny and you’re still… very, very sexy and you just—you have to go before I jump your bones.”

Alex raised his eyebrows in amusement, looking as though he wanted to laugh. He really was trying his hardest to be a good friend, but he couldn’t help how funny he found the situation. Thinking of possible ways to help Jo out, Alex slowly moved his hand up from her small bump to her sensitive breasts, pinching her nipples slightly. He leaned down and whispered in her ear, “You sure you want me to leave?”

“I changed my mind. Please stay.”

Alex smirked smugly and placed a pillow behind Jo’s back, making sure she was in a comfortable position.

His hand reached underneath her oversized tshirt and brushed against her heat, eliciting a quiet gasp. His fingers found the waistband of her underwear, and he tugged them down as she lifted her ass, letting him pull them over her butt and down past her thighs. Then, lifting one leg at a time and tossing it somewhere on the floor behind him.

He took a moment to collect himself and stare down at her—because God, it had been years since he’d seen her this way and he wanted to savor this moment—before pushing her legs further apart, giving him much better access.

Alex could tell just by looking at Jo that she was already wet. She squirmed impatiently, giving him the perfect view of her glistening skin. Alex held back a groan. Everything within him was crying out to relive those old stolen moments in on-call rooms, the back of his car, and the occasional (but very few) times they were in this very house alone.

He decided to start with his finger, placing it against her and rubbing it up and down and side to side, feeling the dampness beneath his fingers and taking in the feel of her soft, warm folds. He made sure to stroke every inch of her, over and over, concentrating on making sure it was pleasing to her. He could tell by the slight hitches in her breathing that it was.

Jo had almost forgotten what it was like to be touched by Alex. She’d almost forgotten the feel of his thick fingers inside of her. She’d almost forgotten the way he could reduce her to a puddle of incoherent mumbles with just his hands. She was reminded of the stark power and dexterity of his hands as his finger explored her most intimate region.

Alex added a second finger and began to rub her faster and harder, this time going up to her clit and drawing his finger over it. At his touch, Jo made a kind of muffled sound. He went back to rubbing her, alternating his strokes between hard and soft, between slow and quick, repeating the process over and over, never staying with a rhythm for long enough that she would get used to it, listening carefully as her breathing became more shallow and her body quickly grew wetter until he was having trouble staying on her because of the slick.

Finally, he decided, it was time. Alex stroked his fingers downward, but instead of going back up as he had been doing, he slipped a finger inside her, pushing through the wet heat and taking in how amazing she felt around him. God, he had missed this. She was always so tight and hot, and he wanted to stay inside her forever.

His dick ached in his pants at the sound of her soft moans, but this was not about him or what he wanted. This was about Jo. Alex concentrated just on her, moving his finger in and out, pushing in as deeply as he could, slowly at first and then speeding up as he went on.

Jo groaned as he fucked her. “Yes,” she gasped, and closed her eyes. Her hands were fisting the comforter on either side of her. “Yes, Alex. Don’t stop.”

She didn’t need to tell him; he wouldn’t have stopped if his life depended on it. Not with the noises she was making.

He added a second finger, plunging both of them in and out of her, as deep as he could get them. She moaned again, her hips starting to grind against his hand, head tilted back in pleasure.

A feeling of pride spread through his whole body. Watching her starting to come undone and knowing he was the reason, was something else he didn’t think he could explain if anyone asked.

Alex thrust into her harder, curling his fingers up to reach the parts of her body that made her burn with desire. With his other hand, he let go of her leg and reached over and placed his palm firmly on her pelvis, positioning his hand in such a way that he could stroke her clit with this thumb.

Jo moaned, a strangled sort of sound, her hips jerking harder, and Alex did it again — stroking over her clit and curling his fingers deep inside her at the same time. He marveled at the obscene sounds from her mouth and her pussy. They were everything, but he wanted more.

Finally, he added a third finger inside of her and pressed down harder on her clit, and there it was. Jo moaned, and then she cried out, her back arching as her muscles clamped around Alex’s fingers inside her, “Oh my God… Alex...Alex! Ah!”

Alex continued thrusting his fingers in and out of Jo as she rode her climax. He watched as her body shuddered and as she was reduced to a series of whimpers. When Jo finally came back down from her high, Alex removed his fingers. He waited as her chest heaved up and down in an attempt to restore her breathing to normal.

Jo looked up and locked eyes with Alex. He stared at her intensely as he reached his hand back down to collect the wetness between her thighs. Jo let out a few soft whimpers at his touch. Jo felt her heart rate pick up as she watched him bring his hand out from between her legs and toy with the slick juices coating his fingers.

A mischievous smirk made its way onto Alex’s face. Alex brought his hand to his lips. He groaned as he sucked every drop of Jo’s release off his fingers slowly, trying to savor the taste of her. It took everything within him not to lean forward, bury his face between her thighs, and fuck her with his tongue so that he could taste her from the source.

Instead, Alex bent down and pressed a light kiss on her mound—causing her hips to buck up—before standing up. He looked at Jo with a shit-eating grin, “Feel better?”

Jo was struggling to come up with words as her body still trembled with the remnants of her climax. She nodded lamely and breathed out shakily, “Yeah.”

“Great,” Alex’s grin increased as he walked towards the door. “Well, glad I could be of service. I’d stick around but I’ve got a surgery scheduled for 7am tomorrow. Goodnight.”

Jo’s jaw dropped in shock at Alex’s casual exit. She took a moment to process what had just occurred and found herself growing aroused at the thought of it. She’d forgotten just how well Alex knew her body. She’d forgotten how good it could feel with him. She’d forgotten what it was like to crave him so badly that she felt she might combust. She didn’t know what this meant, but the one thing Jo knew for sure though, was that she was completely and utterly screwed.

——————

-When you're young, you just run-

-But you come back to what you need-

17 Weeks  

It had been a week since Alex had… assisted Jo. And ever since that day, Alex or more specifically, Alex’s fingers were just about the only thing Jo could think about. Her body thrummed with desire and frustration whenever the thought popped into her mind—which was often.

She’d blame it on the pregnancy hormones; making her crave sex, not sex with Alex. But after days of trying to satisfy her own needs and being unable to excite herself at the thought of another man, Jo realized that it wasn’t sex she wanted. What she wanted was sex with Alex. Lots of hot, dirty, delicious sex.

She wished the ground would swallow her whole to be completely honest. Not because she was embarrassed. No, Jo had never once felt embarrassed about desiring Alex. There was no need to be embarrassed, especially when she knew the desire was reciprocated. The reason she wished the ground would swallow her whole was because the little piece of shit—Alex—knew full well exactly the effect he had on her and he was doing absolutely nothing about it.

Well, absolutely nothing wasn’t entirely true. Alex had noticed Jo’s desire practically seeping out of her pores and had started taking every opportunity he could to be a damn tease. He’d brush his fingers against her at home, he’d flex the muscles in his arms and hands. He knew what the hell he was doing to her and would follow each display of teasing with a proud glint in his eye.

Today though, the situation seemed more charged than before. Today, Jo was stuck in an OR with Alex. One of her placenta previa patients had been experiencing some concerning pain for the past week. After various testing, Jo decided that delivering the fetus as soon as possible was the best course of action for everyone’s safety. Being that the mother was only thirty weeks into her pregnancy and the baby had been diagnosed with a heart defect in-utero, Jo knew that she had to have a peds surgeon ready to treat the child as soon as possible. She’d hoped for Arizona, but well, you don’t always get what you hope for.

That’s how she found herself standing over Alex’s shoulder in the NICU as he worked on the premature child. The mother had fared well and all but demanded that Jo go up to the NICU to personally evaluate the baby. So there she was, watching Alex’s large hands practically engulf the preemie as he held the little boy closely and adjusted some of the wiring.

I'm going to hell. Jo thought to herself. There is a sick baby and all I can think about is how big Alex’s hands are. Jo gulped quietly as Alex’s fingers twitched slightly. Yup, definitely going to hell.

After seeing that the baby was fine and taking a few pictures, Jo hurried back to her patient’s hospital room, “Hi Brenda. Little Gideon is doing great. Doctor Karev is there monitoring him, but it seems as though he is stable. I took you some pictures if you’d like to see.”

“Yes! Thank you,” Brenda answered teary-eyed. “I wish I could hold him.”

“You’ll be able to soon,” Jo comforted. “And trust me when I tell you, he’s in the best hands.”

“You understand, my worry, I mean? On top of it all, I’m doing this all alone,” Brenda motioned to Jo’s stomach. “How far along are you?”

“Seventeen weeks,” Jo replied. “And yes, I do understand. I’m also doing this alone. Just a little over a month and a half ago I had a scare myself. I started bleeding more than normal. But do you know who I was with when it happened and who helped me? Doctor Karev. And if my baby or I  were ever in any danger, he’s the first person I’d ask for. He’s the first person I’d trust to take care of us.”

“He’s good right? And I don’t just mean a good doctor. He’d obviously have to be a good doctor to work here. I guess what I want to know is, is he a good person?” Brenda leaned forward.

Jo chuckled at the woman’s question, “Yes. Alex is one of the best people I know.”

“Okay, okay, I think I feel a little better now,” Brenda nodded her head. Brenda looked lost in thought before she blushed lightly. “He’s really hot isn’t he? Dr. Karev? And this whole gig with the babies doesn't hurt him either. Please tell me you’ve hit that.”

“Brenda!” Jo laughed along with her patient.

“Sorry, you don’t have to answer that,” Brenda smiled bashfully. “I just… Well, if I worked with that every day, I would’ve jumped him a long time ago.”

“No, it’s okay,” Jo shook her head in amusement. “I know this is unprofessional since I’m your doctor, but for your information, I have hit that before.”

Brenda gasped in excitement, “Really? When? How was it? Did it happen more than once?”

“It was fantastic,” Jo sighed as her mind became distracted with thoughts of she and Alex’s past hookups in this very hospital. “It was years ago. And yes, it happened more than once. It happened quite a few times.”

“I'm sorry. You are my doctor and I’m asking you about your sex life and you’re four months pregnant which I know means that you are really… frustrated right now and I am definitely not helping you,” Brenda winced apologetically.

“Definitely not helping me,” Jo huffed and shook her head, trying to get the horribly obscene thoughts out of her brain. “Anyway, Gideon is okay and Dr. Karev is taking great care of him. If we’re lucky, he won’t need to go into surgery to correct his heart until he gets a little stronger.”

“Thank you, Dr. Wilson,” Brenda called out as Jo walked over to the door. “Oh and Dr. Wilson!” Jo turned to face Brenda who had a bright smile on her face. “You should hit that again.”

Jo rolled her eyes, “I’ll think about it.”

The rest of the day, Jo was practically itching to get home. She checked the schedule on the board and saw that Alex would be home an hour after her and Cristina was on call tonight. As soon as her shift was over, she rushed to her car and drove quickly to the house. Immediately upon arriving, Jo went upstairs to the bathroom to shower and shave. On the drive home, Jo had resolved her decision to finally ask Alex for the one thing she’d been craving more than anything. So now, she was sitting on the side of the tub attempting to shave—a task she had been severely neglecting ever since her bump appeared.

Hearing Alex’s car pull up in the driveway, Jo toweled off quickly, throwing on an oversized t-shirt and hurrying down the stairs. She sat on a chair beside the staircase waiting for Alex to walk inside. Jo had been fidgeting and bouncing her leg anxiously when the door opened to reveal a confused Alex.

Jo jumped up from the chair, “We have the house to ourselves.”

“What?” Alex’s face scrunched up in question.

“We have the house to ourselves,” Jo repeated. “But I want you to know, that just because I’m about to jump into bed with you does not mean I’m some pregnant slut who has no morals. Because I do have morals. I have lots of them. But I’m also very, very—”

“No more talking,” Alex shushed her.

“Huh?”

Alex ran his hands down her body’s curves to grab her thighs, wrapping her legs around his waist and picking her up effortlessly, gaining a startled gasp from the woman in his arms.

“Yes! Oh, thank God!”

He carried her up the stairs and into her room. The delicious rub of her body against he drew a groan from the back of his throat. In retaliation, he grazed a hand back up her body, slipping under her shirt and over the curve of her waist, groaning as he realized that she was completely bare underneath.

Impatient as ever, Jo pulled back from the kiss and yanked her shirt over her head. Alex pressed her against the nearest wall and reverently ran a hand over the newly exposed skin. Her breathing was labored. While he was distracted, Jo moved on to his shirt. Her hands lingered on his muscles as she slowly exposed each one. Her thighs clenched tighter to hold herself up as Alex raised his arms and he pressed his pelvis into hers. The movement earned him a stuttered gasp so he did it again.

Jo tossed his shirt carelessly to some lost corner of the room. Their lips met again in a desperate kiss, skin pressed to skin. Alex’s hand slid up her back, holding her to him. As he pulled them from the wall and moved to the bed, his other hand found its way to her breast and got his first handful of cleavage.

He thumbed her nipple. Jo whined and Alex repeated the motion as he lowered her to the bed. His mouth left hers and pressed more kisses across her jaw, down her neck, and paused at the juncture with her shoulder when she moaned and thrusted against him in response. Her fingers speared into his hair to hold him in place. The other hand guided his back to her breast to squeeze.

Her hand then returned to run down his chest. Her nails trailed over his nipples and she nipped his neck as her fingers reached the button of his jeans. With one motion, she opened his pants and slipped her hand inside his pants to cup him without anything in between them.

Alex sifted down the bed, pressing kisses down her body. He dragged his lips across her skin, kissing every inch of skin until he reached the juncture between her legs.  

“Alex,” Jo whined when he paused.

Alex chuckled and pressed a conciliatory kiss to her hip bone. He settled back between her legs, kissing along the soft, exposed skin of her thighs. Jo’s hands curled into his hair and tried to direct him to her center faster. He laughed against her skin and bit her thigh in retaliation.

“God,” Alex breathed out, dangerously close to her hot center. “I’ve been thinking about this all damn week.”

“So have I,” Jo replied shakily.

Alex’s hands ran up and down her thighs as he pressed kisses along her bump and pelvis, “You’re so beautiful.”

“Alex, I swear to God, if you don’t—” She never got to finish her threat, cut off when his mouth found her pussy. “Oh, fuck, Alex!”

He used his fingers to spread her open as he lapped at her entrance, pressed into her, taking his cues from the way her hands in his hair, the sounds she made, and the movement of her hips. His tongue swirled up to her clit, varying speed and strength. He started with a single finger, slipping it into her wet warmth with ease. At her encouragement, he added a second. After a few sample thrusts, he crooked his fingers to find the spongy flesh that made her keen.

Alex groaned against her, adding a third finger. Jo tensed under him as he built her right up to the ledge and then stopped. Jo whined as he distanced himself, watching in fascination as her pussy clenched around nothing. His thumb grazed her labia and Jo jerked at the sensation.

“Alex,” Her plea conveyed in a single word.

He let his thumb strum her labia again, “What do you want, Jo?” He rubbed his cock against the bed, hoping the friction will relieve some of the building tension. He lightly stroked her again. “You’re going to have to be specific.”

“Make me come.”

“More specific,” Alex teased as he leaned forward and let his breath exhale across her skin.

Emboldened by Alex’s urging, Jo huffed at him, “Make me come with your mouth. Use your fingers until I gush around you, and then fuck me until I come again.”

Alex’s attention flew directly on her clit, teasing it with his tongue as he thrust three fingers in and out, pressing against that spot that made her see stars. Jo dragged his other hand up to clench around her breast as she chanted, “Yes, yes, oh, God, Alex, there, there, fuck, Alex, I’m coming!”

She shuddered under him, coming with a spasm around his fingers. He pulled his fingers out and sat up. He yanked her by the thighs toward him. He lifted her legs up, wrapped them around his waist, and thrust himself deep into her, groaning as he felt her still clenching around him.

The moment he was inside her, it was like a once black and white world exploding with color. It was electrifying and consuming, to the point that neither Jo or Alex really dared to move out of fear of ruining this perfectly good moment. This feeling that neither one of them had experienced since the last time they were joined this way over three and a half years ago.

Jo’s thighs clenched to hold her in place and Alex leaned forward. Her insides fluttered as Alex slid both hands under her and lifted Jo so she hovered over him, gravity forcing her down on his cock. With each thrust, she rocked against him, rubbing against all of him. She whimpered and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

Alex turned so he could sit on the edge of the bed as Jo rode him, desperate and needy. His hand slipped between them to rub against her clit as he got close to orgasm. Jo grabbed his face and sealed her lips to his in a messy kiss that tasted like her, as she climaxed again and he fell over the edge with her.

They both collapsed back against the bed, sweaty and breathless. Alex ran a hand up over her back in soothing strokes as Jo tried to catch her breath. He wasn’t not doing so hot on the breathing himself, but the softness of her skin was soothing, as is the scent of her that surrounds them along with the musty aroma of sex.

They were silent as they came back down from their highs. Neither one brave enough to voice their thoughts even though they both had the same exact thing running through their brains: holy crap.

Not because it was bad. Definitely not because it was bad. It was because it was good. Really good. Too good. It was too good, too much, too overwhelming, too intimate. It wasn’t the kind of sex you had with a one night stand or even a friend. No, this was the kind of sex you had with the person who knew you better than anyone. This was the kind of sex you had with a lover.

But Jo and Alex wouldn’t admit that. No, admitting something as cataclysmic as that would complicate things. It would put a strain on the friendship that they were still trying to carefully rebuild. So, Jo filed the feelings she was feeling away in her brain as a result of the pregnancy hormones, while Alex blamed their history and unfinished business on the sudden onset of his desire for more than this.

There wasn’t any room for feelings. Especially when neither one of them wanted to give this up. They could do it. They could separate the emotion from the action. They could be sex friends. Yes, that’s exactly what they would be: sex friends.

——————

-This love is good-

-This love is bad-

-This love is alive back from the dead, oh, oh, oh-

21 Weeks

“Hey, you okay?”

Jo looked up from her spot on her bed to see Alex standing in the doorway, arms crossed and a concerned expression on his face. She shook her head slightly, “Not really. I’m sad.”

“Well, you know I wouldn’t mind cheering you up,” Alex wiggled his eyebrows suggestively as he walked closer to the bed. “Take your mind off things for a while. I could do that thing with my tongue that you really like.”

Jo chuckled, “No, but thanks for the offer. I could really use a friend, though.”

Alex removed his shoes and laid down beside her, propping himself up on his elbow as she turned on her side to face him. Alex reached to hold her hand, “What’s going on?”

“I felt the baby kick for the first time today,” Jo’s lips twitched into a small smile. “I’ve felt her flutter before but today was the first time I actually felt her kick. She’s kicking right now if you want to feel.”

Jo positioned Alex’s hand over her belly and waited for her daughter to kick again. Seconds later, Alex was  met with a strong kick against his hand. Alex gasped excitedly and leaned down towards Jo’s stomach, “Hey baby girl Wilson. You’ve got a strong set of legs right there.”

Jo’s eyes widened as she felt another series of strong kicks, “She likes you.”

“She does, doesn’t she?” Alex turned his attention back to the spot where the kicks were coming from. “Like mother, like daughter I guess.” Alex felt a slap on his head. “Hey! It’s the truth. Anyway, be good for your momma okay? No more scares like the ones you gave us a couple months ago. And try not press on her bladder too much. Just focus on growing and getting strong. Uncle Alex can’t wait to meet you.”

Jo felt a couple tears slip down her cheeks. She was still getting used to seeing Alex like this. Sure, even before he’d always been sweet and kind to her, but this softness was definitely something she felt privileged to see. Before, he’d been more cocky and callous, arrogant and closed-off. However, peds had changed him. He lived and breathed for the children he took care of. Jo could see that clear as day. And there wasn’t one moment that went by where she didn’t feel immensely grateful for the opportunity to know this side of him as well.

Alex straightened and laid back down on the bed next to Jo, bringing her close. He ran his hand along her back and spoke, “You gonna tell me why you’re sad?”

“I just…” Jo sighed. “Feeling her kick today just made everything real. I’m having a baby and I’m going to be raising her alone.” She paused and her eyes watered. “I felt her kick today and my first instinct was to call Jason. I don’t even know why. I kind of hate him if I’m being honest. He’s one of the worst guys I’ve ever been with and that’s saying something because I have been known to have... questionable taste in men. But I felt her kick and I just—I couldn’t stop thinking about how she will never know her father. She’ll never have a father to take her to daddy-daughter dances, or protect her from the monsters under her bed, or intimidate all of her boyfriends. She’ll never have a father that shows her an example of how she should expect to be treated and respected and cared for and loved. All she’ll have is me.” Jo sniffled and wiped a straying tear. “I think back to my own childhood and think of the rejection I felt. The rejection I still feel. I never want her to feel that. But sometimes, I’m afraid I won’t be enough. That even with all my love and support, she’ll still feel like something—or someone is missing and that she’ll blame herself for that.”

“When I was a kid, all I wanted was for someone to care. It didn't matter who, just that they cared," Alex started. "My mom was sick, so most of the time, l was taking care of her and my siblings. And my dad, well let's just say that even when he was around, he might as well not have been. For a lot of time I resented him, still do if I'm being honest. But that's because even though my mom was supposed to be the one in charge, I was the single parent." Alex placed his hand on Jo's stomach again and was rewarded with another set of kicks. "This little girl is never going to know anything but love and care. She already has it so different than you or I ever had it. She’s got people in her corner and she hasn’t even been born. You may be a single mom, but that doesn't mean your family is any less whole. You can't control now she'll feel, but don't ever think that you aren't already a good enough mother."

“How the hell do you always know exactly what to say?” Jo wiped a few tears off her cheeks.

“Guess I’m just fluent in Jo Wilson,” Alex shrugged, a smile on his face.

“I missed this,” Jo whispered after a few more minutes. “All those years I was gone? I missed just talking to you and hugging you and laying down next to you. And now that I’m here and you’re here, I don’t ever want to leave again. I know I’d be okay if I moved, but I would never truly be happy. I know that now more than ever. I’d miss you too much.”

“I’d miss you too,” Alex pressed a kiss on her forehead. “But it’s a good thing I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon, because I plan on seeing this little girl grow up. Which reminds me of something actually.”

Alex reached to grab a bag he’d set down on the foot of the bed when he’d laid down next to Jo. He opened it and took out a green onesie that said, “ My uncle is the coolest.” He showed it Jo with a big smile on his face, “Ta da. Figured I’d buy this for her now, since I already know she’s going to prefer me to everyone else.”

“Oh my god, Alex,” Jo’s hand flew up to her mouth and she let out a laugh. “I love it. This is her first onesie.”

“Really?” Alex raised his eyebrows. “Huh, well, everything else is just going to have to try to measure up to the awesomeness of this one.”

“Shut up,” Jo grinned and rolled her eyes. “I really do love it. But why do I have a feeling that she’s actually going to like you more than she likes me?”

“What can I say? The Wilson ladies love me,” Alex smirked.

“We sure do.”

——————

-This love left a permanent mark-

-This love is glowing in the dark, oh, oh, oh-

24 Weeks

“What’s up with you?” Meredith asked as she peered through the doorway of the nursery Alex was currently painting. “Are you surprising Jo with a nursery? Is this why you called me?”

“She’s been stressed and I wanted to do something nice for her and the baby,” Alex explained as he continued to coat the walls with the light gray paint. “I read in one of those baby books that the parents left lying around in the NICU that light gray walls are supposed to calm babies and help them sleep through the night so I decided on this with teal, white, and light pink accents.”

Meredith’s jaw dropped in shock, “You decided on a paint scheme?”

“Well, I asked Kepner and Robbins for help,” Alex looked over his shoulder at his friend. “They picked out the colors and gave me pictures to go off of. I can’t paint it all by myself though, so I called you. I would’ve asked Cristina, but you know Yang isn’t going to spend her day off painting a nursery. Plus, she decided to go to that conference in Portland this weekend. Besides, you’ve got a daughter so I figured you’d know what little girls like better.”

“Alex,” Meredith sighed. “Why are you doing this? Are you trying to win her back? Because it doesn’t really work like that.”

“No, no, this has nothing to do with winning her back,” Alex waved his hand in protest. “Well, I mean it would be nice if I could win her back, but that’s not why I’m doing this.” Alex paused as he figured out what he was trying to say. “I’m just trying to be a good friend… all I can think about every time I see her, glowing and smiling as she holds her belly, is how much I screwed up. I screwed up so bad all those years ago and now she’s having another man’s baby.” Alex looked down at his hands. “All I’ve ever wanted is to be that man. To be beside her throughout the whole process, to get excited and plan for what’s to come, to cry as I hold our child in my arms for the first time. But I was stupid and I practically ripped her heart out, and now she’s too afraid to go any further with me. Because it’s not just her anymore. She’s got a daughter to think about now. Her daughter will always come first. And that’s how it should be. I just… I wish Jo was having our daughter.”

Meredith placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder, “You really never stopped loving her.”

“Nope,” Alex let out a breath. “And this… arrangement or whatever we have going on is great. Really. It’s fun and it feels like us. But I want so much more, Mer. I want everything with her and I can’t have everything because I was a dumbass.”

“Give her time,” Meredith ran a comforting hand between his shoulder blades. “She loves you. I know that much. Don’t try too hard. Just keep being Alex, and one day hopefully she’ll want more. Now, give me a paint brush so I can get started on the accent wall. We don't need you messing up the lines and smudging the paint."

Alex rolled his eyes and handed Meredith a brush, "Shut up and get to work."

Five hours and a few arguments later, Alex and Meredith were putting the finishing touches on the new nursery as they waited for Jo's arrival.

"Do you think she'll like it?" Alex fidgeted nervously as he stared at the completed space. "You don't think it's too much right?"

"Alex, calm down," Meredith chuckled. "She's going to love it."

"You think? You don't think she'll be upset that I did it all without her?"

"Are you kidding?" Meredith laughed. "Jo loves surprises. She's also six months pregnant and is a blubbering emotional, hormonal mess half the time. She's going to cry happy tears when she realizes there is one less thing on her plate. As a fellow pregnant, hormonal lady, I think this just might get you laid."

“Shut up,” Alex finally let out a laugh that settled his nerves. “Okay, get out of here. She’s gonna be here in a few minutes and see your car in the driveway.”

“Okay, okay, I’m leaving,” Meredith grabbed her things and headed towards the front door. She was about to step outside when she turned to look at her friend. “Alex.”

Alex looked at Meredith expectantly, “What is it?”

“I’m proud of you,” Meredith said, a playful smile on her face. “You’re acting very grown up.”

Alex could feel the blush make its way on his face as his lips curled into a bashful grin, “Stop it.”

“Let me know how it goes!”

Alex watched Meredith leave and moved to sit on the couch. He waited anxiously for Jo to arrive home. He jumped up when he saw her car finally make its way up the driveway. Alex was waiting by the door when she walked in, “Hey.”

“Hi,” Jo looked at him strangely. “What’s going on with you?”

“I have something to show you. A surprise,” Alex breathed out.

“A surprise?” Jo raised an eyebrow. “Ooh! Is it that ice cream that I’ve been craving all week?”

“No, it’s not ice cream,” Alex shook his head in amusement. “It’s upstairs.”

“Okay…” Jo observed him for a moment. “Well then, lead the way.”

Jo followed Alex closely as he guided her up the stairs to the bedroom that had been sitting empty for the past few months. Alex placed his hand on the doorknob, “So, I did something and I don’t know… maybe you’ll love it, maybe you’ll hate it. Anyway, I worked hard on it and I hope that it’s everything you could’ve dreamed of.”

Jo gasped as Alex opened the door to the guest room—now nursery. She stepped in and spent the next few minutes taking it all in. Tears collected in her eyes as she walked around the room and traced her hands along the edge of the walls, the crib, the rocking chair, the changing table, the twin bed in the corner for her to use during the first weeks after the baby was born, and the various other pieces that Alex had purchased in an effort to prepare the room.

“You did this all by yourself?” Jo asked after a few minutes of just staring at all his hard work in awe.

“It was my idea, but I had some help,” Alex shuffled his feet awkwardly. “Kepner and Robbins helped me pick the color scheme, Cristina bought the rocking chair, Hunt gave me the day off, Meredith helped me paint and put the furniture together. It was a team effort.”

Jo lurched forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly, “Thank you.” Jo whispered tenderly and wiped a couple tears. “I can’t believe you do this for me. For us.” Jo placed a hand on her swollen stomach. “No one has ever done anything like this for me before.”

“I want you guys to have everything,” Alex’s flit back and forth between Jo’s mouth and eyes. “You deserve all this and more. Both of you do. I swear, as long as I’m around, my goddaughter is never going to want for anything. Because between you and me, she’s gonna be spoiled rotten.”

Jo was about to say something when they were interrupted by the doorbell. Alex straightened and walked downstairs, “I’ll get it. Why don’t you take a shower and relax? I’ll order takeout from that restaurant down the street while you get comfortable.”

Jo nodded quietly and made her way to the bathroom to get showered. For weeks now, Jo had been fighting with herself and her feelings towards Alex. Her resolve was slowly wearing down and in truth, it had been since the moment she’d arrived back in Seattle. Everything within her burned for Alex. And the sex arrangement they’d had going on for the past two months certainly did not help matters. Because as much as Jo tried to convince herself that it had to be the hormones making her feel this way, it was never just sex with Alex.

It had always been so much more—at least on her part. Every time she kissed him, every time she touched him, every time she laid in bed beside him, waiting until he fell asleep so she could leave, Jo found herself getting lost in the daydreams, thinking about what life would be life if she were just a little braver and gave into what her heart wanted more than anything.

Because it was true. She wanted Alex and a life with Alex more than anything. But Jo was afraid to allow herself to fall for him completely again because she knew how hard it was the last time when it ended. The last time hurt like hell. The last time, she ended up leaving Seattle. The last time, she lost a part of herself. The fear of things ending like they did the last time was almost always enough to reel her back in and sway her to decide against going any further with the man she was sure was the love of her life. This time though, she wasn’t so sure it would be enough.

Finishing her shower and burying those thoughts in the back of her mind, Jo toweled off and put on a pair of sweatpants and one of the old tshirts she’d stolen from Alex when her belly outgrew hers. She threw her damp hair into a half-hazard braid and made her way down the hall. Pausing in the doorway of the new nursery, Jo smiled again. Not seeing Alex inside, she walked out into the hallway and called out his name.

“Alex?”

“In here.”

Jo turned down the hall toward his bedroom, hearing the shuffling of a couple items as she neared the door, “Hey, who was that at the door earlier?”

Alex looked over his shoulder, “Oh it was the delivery truck. This came in a little late, so I’m setting it up now.”

Finally setting her gaze on what he was working on, Jo sucked in a surprised gasp. There in front of her very eyes, Alex was setting up the bassinet in his room.

Unsure of the meaning of his actions, Jo spoke, “What’s this?”

“Oh, I—uh, I bought it so I could help you when the baby is here. You know, in case you ever want to take a break or just need a goodnight’s sleep, I can help with the baby too,” Alex shrugged, looking up at her as if the words that he’d just spoken so nonchalantly were of little importance. “It’s a pretty cool bassinet too. One of the nurses in peds recommended it to me. You know Marissa? The one with five kids? She told me that—”

Alex’s voice faded into the background as Jo became lost in thought. This can’t be real. Guys don’t just do these things for their friends. Jo felt herself become increasingly emotional as she processed the significance of Alex’s actions. He’s all in with me. He’s all in with this baby that’s not even his. He’s here and he hasn’t left and he’s not going to leave because he loves me. That may have been the most startling realization. It really shouldn’t have been that surprising that Alex had never stopped loving her, not for one moment. But for some reason, Jo felt her heart swell at the knowledge that all this time, he’d just been waiting patiently for her to let him know when she was ready for more.

Realizing that Alex was still speaking, Jo looked back up at his stupid, perfect, beautiful face and opened her mouth to try express the rush of emotions that had just hit her like a thousand bricks. Rendered speechless, Jo did what she knew best. She showed him.

Jo interrupted Alex’s nervous rambling by placing both hands on his face and pressing her head against his own. She took a deep breath and stared deeply into Alex’s confused eyes. Mustering up what little courage she had left, Jo leaned forward and kissed him.

Despite his initial surprise, Alex reciprocated quickly. His arms wrapped around her body quickly, pulling her to him as closely as he could possibly get. Sure, they’d kissed before, but this was different. This kiss wasn’t just a result of built up sexual tension or lust. This kiss was pure love, passion, devotion, and emotion all rolled up into one. He was practically thrumming with awe at the sensation and demonstrated every ounce of his love for her in that kiss as he could.

When they finally pulled away, Alex looked at her with a puzzled expression on his face. He watched as Jo opened and closed her mouth dumbly a few times before interjecting, “You okay there? You look a little speechless. I mean, I know I'm a great kisser but it’s nice to get that validation every once in a while.” Alex smirked as his little quip eased the tension between them, immediately making Jo feel more comfortable.

“Alex,” Jo breathed out a laugh and felt tears prickle at her eyes. “Why would you do all of this for me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Jo looked at the sincerity in his eyes and left her own pool with water, “You didn’t have to.”

“I know,” Alex nodded. “I wanted to. Because… I love you, Jo. You know that.”

“I don’t deserve it,” Jo wiped a tear that had made its way down her cheek.

“Of course you do,” Alex’s hands found her stomach and rested comfortably on her bump. “You and this baby deserve all the love in the world. There isn’t anything you could do that would make me want to stop loving you.”

Jo let out a sob, “There’s something I need to tell you. Something that I’ve been wanting to say for months now, but I was never brave enough to say it. I want to be brave now.”

“You know that you can tell me anything,” Alex’s eyes bored into hers intensely.

“Okay… I’m, uh… I𑁋” Jo stuttered awkwardly.

“I don’t hear anything,” Alex chuckled as Jo struggled to find the words.

“Shut up!” Jo looked at him exasperatedly. “I’m freaking out enough as it is.”

“Okay, but𑁋”

“I’m serious,” Jo pouted, prompting Alex to laugh.

“Fine,” Alex schooled his expression and waited until she found her voice again.

“I love you,” Jo confessed, heart racing wildly inside her chest. “I’m in love with you, Alex. I’ve been in love with you ever since that first night when you kissed me in the rain outside Joe’s bar after we passed our intern exams. I’ve loved you since then and I haven’t stopped loving you. Yes, you hurt me more than anyone ever has, but you’ve also loved me more than anyone I’ve ever known. And it's not just a fleeting love, it's pure love. It’s a true love. It’s all the things I had always dreamed of as a little girl. I won’t pretend it’s been easy loving you, because loving you isn’t something I just fell into. It was a choice I made, a choice I continue to make every single day because loving you comes to me as natural as breathing. I can’t seem to let go of our past promises and dreams, so I want the chance to realize our forever. And I want to try, but I mean, actually try this time. No more messing around or pretending like we're content with just being friends. I want more with you Alex. All I know is I want you just because you’re you and we’re us. I want everything with you.”

Alex’s face soon mirrored Jo’s as tears began to fall from his eyes. He pressed their foreheads together, noses brushing against each other. He closed his eyes, “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Alex laughed joyfully. “I love you so much that sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. Throughout my life I’ve been with a lot of nobodies, but you’re not a nobody. You’re my person. You’re the love of my life. And yeah, I probably sound like the stupidest, cheesiest, guy on the face of the earth right now, but I don’t care. I don’t care if I look like a fool. I’ll look like the biggest idiot on the planet if it meant that you’d finally understand how much I love you. How much I want you. How much I need you. I need you, Jo and I don’t ever want to be without you.”

Despite the tears currently running down her face, Jo smiled shyly, “So, is this what I think it is? Does this mean we’re trying?”

“Hell yes,” Alex kissed her soundly. “It’s you and me against the world from now on.”

They were interrupted by a round of kicks against their palms, causing the two of them to laugh. Alex knelt down in front of Jo’s bump, “I’m sorry, Baby Wilson. What I meant was me, your mom and you against the world.”

Alex’s response to Jo’s belly garnered another kick. Jo rolled her eyes, “Oh gosh. She really does like you better than she likes me.”

“She’s just jealous,” Alex smirked. “I have that effect on the ladies.”

Jo laughed, “Shut up.”

“Make me,” Alex challenged, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“You’re gonna regret having said that,” Jo warned as she pushed him over to the bed.

“You know, I don’t think I will.”

-These hands had to let it go free, and-

-This love came back to me, oh, oh, oh-

Were you expecting any of what just happened? Lol let me know what you thought and anything you like to see. Also, send me baby name suggestions!

[scullydubois]

Only the Light Ch. 17

17/? | AU where Melissa moves in with Scully after Scully’s abduction | angst, msr slow-burn, occasional fluff | currently: Nisei adjacent | T | 5.7k | previous chapters | read on ao3 | tagging: @today-in-fic <3

Scully meets the Mufon women, who clue her into their shared fate; Mulder accompanies Scully to the OB-GYN after her car breaks down; A mysterious voicemail appears on Scully's machine.

---------------------

The murder of Mulder’s father--and attempted murders of the agents themselves--went the way of many X-Files, becoming another everlasting thorn in their sides. Skinner wasn’t happy with them, but he pitied them, so it was a two-week paper pusher assignment and then they were back at it. Lightning strikes, allusions to immortality from a mortal man, too many prisons and too much death; the calendar advanced, time marched on, and they saw it all but it couldn’t touch them. Wouldn’t, more like. Emotionally stunted, that’s what they are. Holding onto too much pain to process any.

And then comes Mulder’s $29.95 tape and its path to Allentown; a Japanese diplomat, a dead man, and a list of Mufon members wait in its wake. All of which lead Scully to Betsy Hagopian’s doorstep.

These women--whom she has never seen before, nor could not pick from any crowd--know her. They swear. She is one of them, they say, as if that’s supposed to snap everything into perspective. As if the semblance of belonging somewhere will make her spill her guts. But no; she wants to be nothing but herself, and sometimes not even that.

Then there are dozens of cars outside and women surround her, speaking of a place she didn’t know she knew until they said it. A blank slate flashes in her mind; an echo from some past life. She doesn’t believe in reincarnation, so how can that be?

Then the women--these strange women--speak of men & mysterious tests, and a drill sears Scully’s brain, and she’s coming apart, and is this annihilation or healing?

These images--she can hardly call them memories--expand until she’s living inside them. She is doubled, the victim and the spectator. She sees herself on a medical table, a tube spiraling from her belly button. It’s nonsensical, there’s no procedure of the sort. And then, before her unblinking eyes, her stomach grows. Inflated like a balloon. Her warped form...it looks pregnant, and her old fear comes back as a bitter taste in her mouth. Surely this is something seen in a dream, impossible to be reflected in any reality.

The rattle of metal pulls her back to the present. Every woman standing before her holds a capsule containing a microchip, barely perceptible to the eye. Marked...they have been marked. She has too, they say. They have all the scar, and it’s already been established that she is one of them.

Scully’s swept up by the crowd and taken to Betsy Hagopian at Allentown Medical Center. She’s unsure at this point whether she’s investigating the murder case or some vastly larger conspiracy. Or if those are even distinguishable.

She watches as the nurse slides Betsy into the MRI machine, wonders how Betsy feels about them being there as she disappears from view. Scully once thought of making oncology her specialty, back when she was bright-eyed and believed she could save the world. That path would have been paved with pain, sure, but there would be victory, and above all, hope. Her current job fails to put her in such close contact with miracles.

We’re all dying because of what they do to us, Penny Northern says. And how ironic it is, Scully thinks. She and Mulder want the truth--the proof--of some atrocity greater than themselves, and they may have it...once she’s packed into a coffin. How’s that saying go? Be careful what you wish for…

------------------------

The scar at the base of her neck had never stood out to Scully. She can’t see it, and her hair covers it anyway. She had felt it in the shower once, shortly after her return, but she wrote it off as a bug bite. No one had ever commented on it until Penny Northern and the Mufon women; not Missy, not Mulder, not her mother…

Missy had noticed it during one of their face-mask nights in the weeks after the return, but she chose not to say anything, figuring it wasn’t worth adding to her sister’s worry. If she had seen it again recently--known that it hadn’t gone away--she would have said something.

Mulder...well, he never noticed it, and holy shit, he would have given anything for a situation where he could have. Scully never wears her hair up, he’ll blame it on that though it's fruitless. Really, it’s on him. He has a mental map of the places he’s touched her--and the places he won’t. Her neck is on neither one. He hasn’t gotten there yet.

Margaret Scully never saw it, and frankly, she would have thought it was something inappropriate to mention and wished her daughter had worn a turtleneck that day. What else can be said about that?

Thus, as autumn breaks over Washington, the agents crowd into a Bureau lab with Pendrell (or Agent Nerd, as Mulder prefers to call him) to address the intruder put into Scully’s body. Scully’s calm, cool, and collected, but Mulder winces as Pendrell’s tweezers pierce her skin. He’s never had the guts (nor the patience) for the medical profession.

“Yep, I’ve got something,” Pendrell remarks, dropping it into a petri dish. Mulder inches closer to get a good look at the object, and sure enough, it’s a microchip. He’s met with the urge to pocket it and run so that his partner would never have to see it.

Instead, Pendrell presents the dish to Scully. “It looks like a computer chip to me,” he tells her. “Something manufactured.”

Scully squeezes the object between her thumb and forefinger. She looks to Mulder. “This must be what made the metal detector go off in Santa Fe.”

He clears his throat. “Yeah, I remember.” The handsy men at airport security still make his blood boil.

As Scully’s eyes meet Pendrell’s, he feels like he’s staring directly into a spotlight. And he’s not used to having the spotlight on him. “So it’s man-made, you believe?” she asks, as in need of an answer from him as she ever will be.

He blushes. “Well, I don’t know of manufacturing plants on any other planet, but it does look pretty technologically advanced.” He takes the dish over to a microscope and peers through. “I can’t say I’ve seen something of this complexity before.”

Pendrell moves aside so Scully can take a look. She’s not accustomed to using this sort of magnification for anything other than microbes, but the intricacy of the wiring speaks for itself. Loops upon loops upon loops of electric current, all contained in a space smaller than a pea.

She looks up. “It’s like it was storing something…” The idea of her thoughts being catalogued by some malevolent stranger is too terrifying to voice. Both men’s mind’s land on it without any prompting.

Mulder lays a hand on the small of her back and steers her away from the microscope. “We’ll get this all taken care of, okay?” he murmurs. “Pendrell will pinpoint the manufacturer, then we can track them down and help Betsy Hagopian and all those women.” He intentionally leaves out mention of Scully herself. She hates being helpless, he won’t frame her as such.

“Okay,” she squeaks out, and Mulder feels her shiver beneath her buttoned blazer.

Having received his command from Agent Mulder, Pendrell watches him usher Agent Scully out of the lab with complete control over the situation. It’s as if Agent Mulder knows what he’s doing, comforting Agent Scully with such composure. And right in front of Pendrell, too! Pendrell kicks himself for...well, being himself.

-------------------------

At ten to four, Scully grabs her purse and unclips her key ring as quietly as possible. Mulder’s in the midst of typing up a report about the Japanese diplomat who sold him the $29.95 tape, and she’d hate to ruin his flow. How alarmed Skinner would be if a Fox Mulder field report didn’t read like a Whitman poem! He’d probably assume the bounty hunter got to his agent.

She straightens her blazer and swings the purse over her shoulder. No need for a coat yet, her usual work attire combats the mid-October chill just fine. As she edges toward the door, the guilt of leaving Mulder without a goodbye stops her in her tracks. He knows about her appointment--knows she has to leave early--but still...it feels wrong to walk out without a word.

Hand against the doorframe, Scully tosses her hair over her shoulder. Her partner types at his desk with the ferocity of a teenage boy playing a video game. He even looks like one, with those wiry glasses. She can’t help but smile...these are the ordinary moments she will miss one day.

Setting her lips in a line, she pipes up--”I’ve gotta go, Mulder. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He’s instantly snapped from his trance. “Whoa whoa whoa.” He lays his glasses beside the computer, rubs the red mark on his nose. “Let me walk you down.”

“That’s not necessary,” Scully assures, one kitten heel out the door. “I can navigate the parking garage on my own.”

Mulder pops up from his chair, rounds his desk. “Well, the parking garage, yeah. But haven’t you heard that the Hoover Building is unaccustomed to beautiful women roaming its halls? Who knows what might happen if I send you up there by yourself.”

Scully gives him the unamused smirk he’s fishing for, tries to ignore the way his sleeves cuff over his elbow. “I only have to go through the lobby. I think I can hold any admirers off for those twenty steps.”

“You’re right, I should have faith in you.” He ruffles a hand through his hair. “At least let me escort you to the elevator.”

“If you must.” Scully turns sideways.

He slides past her, winking as he does. It’s infuriating, really, how smooth he can be when he wants to.

Scully follows him down the hallway, wondering if she’s finally grown into the giddy teenager her mother feared she would be. He hits the up button for her, then clasps his hands together--the only time he’s ever been the epitome of patience.

“I hate to pull you away from your next masterpiece for Skinner,” Scully teases, trying to break his gentlemanly bit.

“Oh, an artist knows no timetable,” he responds, barely taking his eyes off the elevator door. He taps his foot...they always joke that the FBI takes an elevator tax out of their paychecks for making it go all the way to the basement.

Scully looks at the floor. A moment ago, she felt like the object of Mulder’s affections. Now, she’s shut out again.

At the sound of the doors gliding open, she steps in. No need to wait for passengers to disembark; nobody comes down here. She hits the first floor button, offers Mulder a weak smile. “See you--”

He sticks his hand out as the doors begin to close and ducks into the space, taking his place beside her. She should have known...his goofy grin confirms that he’s been planning this all along. They begin their brief ascent to the next floor.

“You know, I’m having deja vu, but I’m gonna say this anyway,” Scully starts. “You’re crazy, Mulder.”

“And I’m sure I’ve said this before Scully, but it wouldn’t hurt to hear it again--thank you,” he replies.

Scully rolls her eyes, but god, this is much more fun than being alone. The elevator banks on the landing, and she looks to her partner as the doors open onto the lobby. “Did you lose your faith in me, or did you never have it in the first place?” she asks, taking extra long strides to keep up with him as they make their way toward the parking garage.

“What, about the whole holding off your admirers thing?”

Scully nods.

“I figured back-up wouldn’t hurt.” He slips his hands in his pockets, giving himself an air of pretension. As Scully watches him, she gets the notion that it’s all carefully calculated. It makes her feel both powerful and annoyed. She is the damsel, and he is framing himself as prince charming, though she is not in distress.

They make it to the parking garage and take another elevator up to Scully’s level. “Skinner’s gonna want that report before you leave tonight, you know,” Scully tells him, surprised that he has followed this far.

“I’ll burn the midnight oil if I have to,” he replies casually. And she can’t argue with that, cause she knows he will.

While he looks for her car, she takes a long glance at his face. He spies her sedan, and they set off in that direction.

“You don’t have to baby me,” she reminds him, almost apologetic. “I made it through med school and Quantico. If anyone is capable of--”

“It’s not about whether you’re capable, Scully. You are. But you should never have had to go through all that in the first place. It’s not fair, what you’ve dealt with.”

“Life’s not--”

“--fair. Yeah, I know, that’s why I don’t believe in God,” Mulder deadpans.

Scully gives him the infamous look. He shrugs. “It’s the truth!”

They make it to her car, and Scully lays a hand on the driver’s door. “Alright, Mulder. It looks like we’ve both learned something about each other. Very productive conversation.”

“Good thing I came all the way down here, huh.” He flashes a smile that would disarm a scorpion. Scully feels it in her core. She tightens her grip on the door, pulling it open.

“Bye, Mulder,” she prods, sliding into the driver’s seat.

He salutes her. “Bye-bye.”

He stays at the front of her parking spot as she cranks--or rather, tries to crank--her car. The engine gurgles at her in protest. One twist, two twists, three twists, nothing. She pulls the key out of the ignition and opens the door.

“It won’t start...battery’s dead, I think.”

Mulder leans against her door. “Let me try.”

Scully shuffles herself into the passenger’s seat and he settles in, finding himself squished against the steering wheel with her seat settings. He laughs and jams the key into place. The engine won’t give under his hand either.

He rests his elbow on the console and stares at his partner. Her eyes darken. “I don’t have jumper cables, do you?”

“I’m not a jumper cable man, no,” he mutters.

Scully knocks her head against the back of her seat, covers her face with her hands. “My appointment’s at 4:30. I got the latest one of the day…”

“Okay, okay, no problem.” Mulder taps her shoulder. “I’ll take you.”

She uncovers her face. “But what about the report…?”

“You really think Skinner’s gonna be surprised by another late report?”

She bites her lip. “Fine, fine. It’s off 6th Street, I’ll tell you how to get there.”

“And we can pick up jumper cables on the way back,” Mulder adds.

“Perfect.”

They hop out of the car and head for Mulder’s. Scully watches him out of the corner of her eye--he’s striding along, completely unbothered by this inconvenience. She is struck with the notion that he is a better person than her in some crucial ways.

“Do you have your keys?” she pipes up, always bringing reality into the picture.

He taps his pocket. “Right here.”

“You’re saving my ass, Mulder--thank you.”

“I was the ass hero of Oxford. I’m glad to be of service.”

Scully shakes her head, her smile eclipsing a laugh.  “Please don’t ever tell me the story behind that, ” she giggles.

“Your loss.”

And as she looks over at him in the dingy parking garage, she knows that this is exactly where she’s meant to be.

------------------------------

He wasn’t planning to go in with her--he expected that she’d make a fuss about it if he asked, and it wasn’t his business anyway. He’s surprised, then, when he pulls into a spot at the clinic and she raises an eyebrow when he doesn't turn the engine off.

“Are you coming?” she asks, one leg sticking out of the car.

“Y-you want me to go with you?” he stutters.

Scully shrinks back. “Were you planning on going back to the office? I’m not sure how long the appointment will take, but I hate to make you drive all over the place.”

“No, I was just gonna chill in here. I thought you wouldn’t want me…”

“Oh.” Scully’s out of the car now, her purse swung over her shoulder. “Well, it’s just an ultrasound, so you can come if you want. I bet you’ve never been to an OB-GYN before…”

Mulder shakes his head. “Never had the pleasure. You know I’m all for new experiences, though.”

“Come on, then.” She slams the door closed and starts walking toward the building, playing hard to get in her own little way.

Mulder cuts the engine, locks up the car, and jogs after her. Not a usual occurrence, but he likes the role-reversal.

“So is there anything I should know,” he pants as he catches up with her, “before I walk in? Is there some kind of universal girl code that governs these places?”

“The only naked women you’re about to see are in anatomical diagrams, if that’s what you’re referring to.”

“Oh, so it’s not a communal kinda thing?”

“Jesus, Mulder. That’s a male fantasy if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Hey, men have urinals and locker rooms, it’s only fair that women have some arena for comparison too,” he attests.

Continuing the role-reversal, Scully holds the door for him. “Clearly, we have different priorities,” she says as he strides through. He chuckles at her as he enters, feeling no insecurity about standing out. He’s not the lone man in the waiting room, but he is the only one without a visibly pregnant wife.

He looks around while Scully checks in. The room, he feels, is misleadingly similar to any other doctor’s office. Daytime housewife fodder on TV, issues of magazines that are barely from this decade, and posters preaching about the flu shot...some unsuspecting man might walk in here because he stubbed his toe and walk out with images in his brain that’ll haunt him for the rest of his life.

He takes a seat at the far edge of the room, Scully joining him a moment later with a clipboard.

He points at the entry to the back--“I feel like they should have a sign on that door that says ‘beware: health class flashbacks ahead. And not the good ones.’”

“If you’re a woman, it’s no flashback,” she tells him, focused on filling out the forms. “It’s just what you deal with everyday.”

“Okay, but imagine men had to go to a place like this, and you had to go back there.”

She looks up. “Mulder, you know I do autopsies on dead bodies, right?” Then, with a smirk--”Besides, I’ve never known you to be squeamish about naked women.”

“Right, but this is like...I’m used to looking at the completed painting, and now I’m seeing the paint-by-number. Not so pretty.”

“Maybe you should go sit in the car…” Scully says with a hint of a tease.  

“I digress.” He glances absentmindedly at what she’s writing, then looks away.

Scully notices and meets his eye. “You know what I’m here for, right?”

Without intending to, he read it off her paper. “Follicle ultrasound?”

“Yes, but do you know why? ”

Mulder holds his mouth open like he’ll catch an answer that way. “Uh…” he starts, classic caught-off guard college student.

Scully jots the last marks on her forms. “To check my egg reserve and see if anything’s changed since the last time. To see if there’s any possibility of me having a biological child, essentially.”

“Huh,” Mulder hums dumbly. Way to make an asshole of himself, cracking jokes at a time like this. He wishes it were socially acceptable to walk around with tape over your mouth.

“I’m sorry, Scully. I didn’t realize the situation was so dire.”

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

It’s funny she says that, because at that exact moment Mulder is thinking about how it is his fault, and where’s the nearest bridge? He realizes then, too, that maybe she wants him there so she’s not alone for whatever the results say, and boy, this is more than he bargained for when he offered to drive her.

He turns to her, his glance far shyer than usual. “So this is the follow-up to your first ultrasound?”

Scully nods. “It’s been almost a year.”

“But you…” he tries to arrange the words in as courteous a manner as possible. “Are you still premenopausal?”

Scully crosses one leg over the other. She’s pleasantly surprised that he cares about this. “No, I’m on birth control to regulate my cycles. But that doesn’t matter if I don’t have enough eggs left for potential fertilization. Fertility and menstruation are not necessarily linked.”

“But there’s an upside to that, right? Aren’t there health risks with early menopause?”

“Yep.”

Mulder’s not sure whether she’s answering his first question or his second one. He lets it be, and good thing, because a nurse calls Scully’s name moments later. He follows her into the back like an eager to please puppy, playing it cool until the nurse pipes up.

“Mr. & Mrs. Scully, how are you?”

“Not married ,” Scully clarifies, amused.

“Oh,” the nurse takes a stray glance at her clipboard. “I’m sorry.” She gestures toward Mulder. “You are…?”

“Fox Mulder. I’m her partner.”

“Oh, okay. I see. Gender-neutral language, very inclusive.”

“He’s my FBI partner,” Scully grumbles, giving Mulder a punch in the bicep for his purposeful vagueness. “I work at the Bureau.”

“Ah. Makes sense.” The nurse waves them into an exam room then closes the door behind herself. As she reads over Scully’s chart, Mulder’s presence makes less and less sense to her, and she addresses her patient with pitched confusion in her voice.

“So you are here for a follow-up antral follicle count...?”

“Yes ma’am.”

The nurse reads from the chart. “Your first one was roughly eleven months ago and indicated low fertility. Five follicles were counted.”

Scully nods.

“But since then, you’ve started hormonal birth control and now have stable menstrual cycles, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“Alright.” The nurse makes note of this, then looks to Scully. “If you could come with me for a moment, we’re gonna get your weight, and then Dr. Zapolsky will be right in for the ultrasound.”

Alone in the strange room, Mulder’s met with fascination, not fear. He’s never seen an exam chair with stirrups in real life, and it makes him chuckle, reminiscent of birth scenes in slapstick comedies. On the counter is a 3D model of the uterus, which is pretty cool if he’s being honest. Remove the labels and it’s a modern art piece...and he means that with all due respect. His reproductive system would not make a nice decoration, that’s for sure.

He’s reading a poster about each trimester of pregnancy when Scully and the nurse come back in. Did you know that babies can be frightened by loud noises while they’re still in the womb? he wants to ask, but Scully knows everything, so she probably already knows that.

Scully settles into the exam chair as best she can. She locks eyes with Mulder, and he winks at her--again. It puts a genuine smile on her face, which has never happened in this room. The nurse exits quietly, but they are still there, and so is the smile.

They don’t speak at first. Silence is good when it’s comfortable, they have learned, and it’s always comfortable for them. Until Mulder begins to worry that Scully’s head might be spinning with dark thoughts, and he can’t have that. He thumbs toward the poster. “Did you know that loud noises can frighten babies through the womb?”

Scully’s gaze falls upon him, warm and light. “I’ve always thought that was just an old wife’s tale. I never saw it demonstrated during my obstetrics rotation.”

“Well, it’s on the poster. It’s gotta be true,” he wisecracks.

The door opens, and the majestic Dr. Zapolsky saunters in.

“Let’s ask Dr. Zapolsky,” Scully suggests.

“What’s that?” The doctor rolls the ultrasound machine to the center of the room.

“We were wondering if it’s true that babies in the womb can spook at loud noises,” Scully explains.

“It’s on the poster,” Mulder adds.

“Oh! Yes! But not until around 28 weeks.” Dr. Zapolsky sits down on her stool. “You never saw that during your rotations?”

Scully shakes her head.

“It presents as a kick, and as long as the exposure to the noise is not continuous, it’s harmless.”

“Good to know...I guess,” Scully finishes, wondering why Mulder fixated on that of all things.

Dr. Zapolsky scoots toward her patient. “How are you doing, Dana?”

Scully musters a smile. “I’m okay. Much better than I was last year at this time.”

“And who is your guest…?” she asks, swerving toward Mulder.

“Mulder, my partner at the Bureau. My car went dead, so he had to drive me.”

“Ah! Hello Mulder.”

Mulder nods. “Nice to meet you.”

“I see you’ve gained some weight since your last visit,” Dr. Zapolsky tells Scully. “That’s a good thing--fueling your body allows it to put energy toward ovarian function.”

Scully tries to accept this as a compliment, though she’s been conditioned not to view it as one.

The doctor continues. “And you’re doing well on your birth control? Any problems with it?”

“Nope, everything’s working out.”

“Wonderful.” Zapolsky clasps her hands together. “Looks like we’re all set for the ultrasound. Go ahead and lie back.”

Scully does so.

“I’ll need you to pull your waistband and underwear down. Let me get you a sheet for cover.” She slides over to the cabinets and pulls out a disposable blue blanket, which she drapes over Scully’s bent knees.

Mulder turns his head away as Scully shimmies off her skirt of choice--black, pencil, from the clearance rack at J. Crew, per usual.  Not that he’d be able to see anything since she already has cover, but he’s not risking any disrespect. Scully’s not paying attention to him, and it’s a testament to the trust they have developed.

Dr. Zapolsky grabs the ultrasound wand and takes it under the sheet, using the image on the monitor to guide it into place. “Everything feel alright?” she asks Scully, who nods.

The three occupants focus intently on the screen; two of them have a clear sense of what they’re looking for, and one has no idea. A few circles appear on the monitor, narrowly standing out from the background.

“There they are, right?” Scully inquires with tension in her voice.

Dr. Zapolsky nods. “Those are your follicles. What do you notice?”

Scully’s eyes search the screen. “There’s not many.”

“I’m afraid not. Six. One more than last time, but not the improvement you would need.” Dr. Zapolsky frowns. “Two low antral follicle counts qualifies you for a diagnosis of primary ovarian insufficiency. There’s no clear treatment plan, it simply functions as a label for your condition.”

Scully sits with this numbness as her doctor removes the ultrasound wand and cleans up. She wants to look at Mulder, read his face, but he’s over her shoulder and she can’t bend that way just yet. She takes a breath and pulls her skirt back on.

“So there’s no hope, then?” Her voice shakes. “Of carrying a child with one of my own eggs?”

The doctor finishes washing her hands and turns back toward her patient. “There’s a five to ten percent conception rate for women with POI. If you’re dead-set on it, IVF using an egg donor is your best option. Personally, I don’t recommend it at those odds. It’s very expensive and can take quite a physical toll.” She pats her patient’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Dana.”

With tears threatening to break her composure, Scully cranes her neck toward Mulder. He’s her escape hatch, but he’s not doing much better. His hands are squeezed into fists, his eyes dark. “I’m sorry, Scully,” he murmurs. “You don’t deserve this.”

And even if he’s right it doesn’t make any difference, because this is what she’s gotten, and this is what she must deal with. Gravity’s full brunt bears down on her body and spirit, and she wonders once again if God intends her for heaven or for hell.

-------------------------

The sun is sinking below the horizon by the time Scully sets her keys on her front table. If she wasn’t exhausted before, she is after buying jumper cables and using Mulder’s car to start hers. She hears clanging pots and pans and can only hope it’s her sister home from the lunch shift.

Forcing her tired body into the kitchen, Scully finds Melissa at the stove. The smell of marinara sauce wafts through the air.

Missy looks away from the boiling pasta she’s stirring. “Hello jellybean!” Neither one of them knows where the new nickname came from, but neither one is against it either.

“Hey Missy,” Scully says as she plops into a dining chair. She slides off her heels and stretches her toes.

“How was your day?”

“Alright,” Scully sighs. “Paperwork and then my ultrasound appointment, but my battery died so Mulder had to take me.”

“Oh my goodness!” Missy turns the heat down on the stove and strides over to her sister. “I forgot that was today...how was it?”

Scully looks up through her lashes. “Not good, Missy.”

“No?” Missy slides into the adjacent chair. “Were your counts still low?”

Scully nods, picks a piece of lint off her skirt. “Too low. Doc says I have primary ovarian insufficiency. Basically, it’s highly unlikely I’ll be able to have a child with my own egg.”

“God…” Missy sandwiches one of her sister’s hands between both of hers. “I’m so sorry. That’s not what you wanted to hear, I know.”

Across the way, the boiling water sings a siren song, and Missy reluctantly makes her way back toward it. “You’ll have to accept my condolences in the form of food cause I’m too far into this to stop now.”

“Oh, I will.” She’d be having a salad or...well, probably nothing, if Missy wasn’t here. Scully leans back, examines the ceiling, then rubs her eyes. “Did you know that babies can spook at loud noises through the womb? At 28 weeks, at least.”

“No, I didn’t,” Missy answers with gusto, happy to distract her sister.

“Mulder read it on some poster, and I didn’t think it was true, but it turns out it is,” Scully rambles.

“Mulder read it...?” Missy echoes. “He went in with you?”

“Uh-huh.” Scully’s immune to the usual implications of her sister’s curiosity. She’s had too much of a day to argue that Mulder isn’t as integral a part of her life as he is. “It was nice...I was happy not to be alone.”

“I’m sure,” Missy says, pouring the ravioli into a colander. “Mulder’s a good guy.”

“Mm-hm.” Scully chews the inside of her cheek. She can’t discern whether she’s failing to repress a feeling or experiencing one anew, but it’s in that ballpark.

Having put the pasta in a serving bowl, Missy spoons sauce over it like she’s auditioning for a cooking show. “There was an interesting voicemail on the machine when I got in,” she begins.

“Yeah? A telemarketer? Scammer?”

“I don’t think so. It’s odd, but it sounds quite urgent.”

Missy hits a button on the answering machine. A gruff voice fills the room. “Hello, this is Agent Feniston from the California Bureau of Investigation looking for a Ms. Scully. I am contacting you on behalf of the California Department of Social Services foster care system. Please get back to me as soon as possible at 619-555-1334. Thank you.”

It does sound legitimate, Scully can’t argue with that. She raises an eyebrow at her sister. “You were in California for a while, weren’t you?”

Missy pops a ravioli into her mouth, wipes some wandering sauce off her lip. “The Bay area, mostly,” she says between bites. “The 619 area code is--”

“San Diego. I remember, that’s what our number started with when we lived by the shipyard.”

Missy nods. “I know I’m considered the free spirit in this family, but no child of mine is running wild in California. Let’s clear that up right now,” she chuckles.

“I mean, we don’t have any details,” Scully says. “They probably just need you to testify whether some friend of yours is stable enough to resume custody of their child.”

“Does that sound like something that would warrant a call from the Bureau of Investigation? ” Missy challenges, scooping a hefty portion of pasta into a bowl and handing it to her sister.

Scully takes it and grabs a fork. “If they couldn’t find any other way to contact you.”

Missy stops, looks at her sister with a pointed glare.

“What?” Scully shrugs.

“Darling,” Missy continues, “no one I knew in California has this number, nor any way to determine that I’m living with you.”

Scully lifts the fork to her mouth, freezing before it makes it there. “You think the call is for me?”

“I think it’s a possibility,” she says, taking a seat across from her sister.

Scully scoffs. “I haven’t been to California in ages. There was a case in Marin County, but it’s been two years now.”

“That’s funny,” Missy muses. “I was living there then.”

“Can we stay on topic, please?” Scully tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’m not fond of having a random call from the California foster system on my answering machine.”

“Then call Agent Feniston back, and it won’t be random anymore.” Missy gets up, glances at the clock, and grabs the phone off its receiver. “It’s only 3:30 in Californiaaaaa,” she sing-songs, dangling it in front of her sister.

Scully pouts, but lets the weight of the phone rest in her hand. “Can you play the voicemail again? I need the number…”

Feniston addresses them for a second time, and Scully taps the keypad in concert with his directions: 619-555-1334.

[yikesharringrove]

Umm, I accidentally deleted the request for this while moving it to my inbox, so here it is. (Also this is like, four months old).

I’m gonna rec this fic which is super well written and adorable

Steve is ftm. (Personally, I’m not a big fan of mpreg unless it’s like, biologically plausible 🤷‍♀️)

Under the cut bc it’s long and there’s a little bit of smut.

-

Billy’s hands were shaking as he raced out of the house.

He had a bag slung over one shoulder, had already put two others in the Camaro.

His dad had gone in hard today. Three days after Billy graduated high school and he’s already calling him a deadbeat, a fuck up. Telling him to get a job like he hasn’t worked every summer and most weekends since he was fourteen.

He lit a cigarette as he slid into the driver’s seat.

He was gonna make one stop on the way outta town.

-

Steve had given Billy a spare key months ago, after he was tired of always having to go downstairs and answer the door.

He liked it when Billy just made his way up, started kissing whatever skin was already exposed and asking Steve if he’s wet.

Tonight, Steve thought, was no different.

Billy was kissing up his calf, mouthing along his knee, a few fingers creeping up the leg of his shorts.

Billy was the best sex he’s ever had. Not a lot of gay guys will go down on Steve, some won’t even fuck him. He had been real hesitant to tell Billy, start having regular sex with his best friend, because he didn’t think Billy would want anything to do with him when he knew what he was bringing to the table.

But Billy had told him not to be an idiot, ate him out, and pounded him into the mattress.

And Steve was in love.

So he let Billy fuck him whenever he pleased, because at least Billy was giving him the time of day, at least he was getting some.

He opened his eyes, smiling lazily down at Billy.

“‘Time is it?”

“Almost two.” Billy was curling two fingers into his waistband, slowly pulling down his shorts, like maybe Steve wouldn’t notice.

Steve lifted his hips, and Billy whipped off his shorts, diving right in for his pussy.

He ate him out with the same fervor he did everything. Making all these gross slurping sounds, sucking on Steve’s cock and shoving his tongue inside him.

He made Steve cum twice on his face, as was the norm, before wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, and getting right to business.

He fucked Steve like he was mad at him.

He often did. And Steve knew he wasn’t mad at him, moreso mad at the other him, the him that’s ruined Billy’s life since before he was even born.

Steve wasn’t as dumb as everyone thought. Knew that when Billy snuck into his bedroom at odd hours of the night and absolutely ravished him, something bad had happened with his dad.

So when Billy finally rolled off of him, and lit a cigarette, Steve knew better than to ask.

“I’m leaving.” Steve just hummed at him. Billy sometimes stuck around after sex.

But Billy didn’t move.

“Like, leaving Hawkins.” Steve just hummed again. Billy talked a lot about leaving Hawkins. Steve had always secretly dreamed of running away with him. 

Billy just studied his face in the dark, stubbing out his cigarette and rolling over to hols Steve close to his chest.

Steve closed his eyes, let himself pretend.

Pretend that Billy loved him back.

-

He woke up to rustling, Billy getting dressed to leave as weak sunlight began to trickle through his curtains.

“Oh shit, didn’t mean to wake you.”

He smiled lazily at Billy.

“You comin’ back over tonight?” Billy looked stiff.

“Probably not. Sorry.”

“That’s okay. I’ll see you later, then.”

“Yeah. Later.” Billy was sitting on the end of his bed, had just finished tying on his boots.

And then he moved, quick as a flash to kiss Steve softly before he was thundering down the stairs.

Steve was just falling asleep as the Camaro roared away.

-

Billy had skipped town that night.

And Steve never forgave himself.

-

Steve was leaning over the counter, his head pressed into the cool top of it.

“I threw up all last week, and I just feel like shit.” He had been whining to Robin practically all morning at Family Video.

“Do you think you have the flu?”

“I don’t know, Rob. I mean, my stomach hurts a lot, but like, it feels like I’m just having awful cramps.”

“Are you on your period?”

“Nah. Don’t get it very often with the hormones anymore.”

“Normally I’d suggest pregnancy, but I know you’re in a bit of a dry spell.” He rolled slightly to look darkly at her. “Still no word of Billy?”

“No. The one person in Hawkins that isn’t too transphobic to fuck me, and he skips town.” Steve sighed. “I should’ve known, too. He was being super weird that night.”

“Whatever. When you and I skip town, we’ll have the time of our damn lives, and get you laid.” He laughed softly.

“I’m just gonna go to the doctor this weekend. Get a full physical.”

“Let me know the verdict at and I can come over with some medicine, if you need.”

“Thanks, Rob.”

-

Steve was lying back on the stiff exam table.

He had already given blood and urine samples, and was just waiting for the doctor to tell him what the fuck was wrong with him.

Sometimes his hormones had to be adjusted, and caused all sorts of weird shit to go haywire in his body.

Dr. Mauch was a kind woman, always been pleasant and accepting of Steve, even referred him to an endocrinologist for his hormones.

She didn’t smile when she came in, though. Just sat down at her stool.

“I’m going to go out a limb here and say that this is not news you’ll be happy about hearing.”

Steve felt his heart drop to his stomach.

“You’re pregnant.”

He blinked.

“No.”

“I’m sorry, Steve. But you most definitely are.”

“But, but I’m on blockers, and testosterone, and I haven’t had sex in months.”

“I’d say about six months.” His mouth was dry. Billy had left in late May. About six months ago. “And being on hormones is not an effective method of birth control. Some men still get pregnant after taking them.”

“I’m not, I don’t look pregnant.”

“Some people don’t really show their pregnancy. My sister was rail thin the entire time, had a perfectly healthy baby girl. It’s all about your body type.”

“So, so you’re telling me, that I’m six months fucking pregnant.”

“Yes.” He slumped back onto the exam table.

“What are, what are my options?”

“Well, unfortunately, not many. Abortions are only legal in Indiana up to 20 weeks, or five months, or unless the person pregnant is facing severely compromised physical health. There’s always adoption.”

“No one’s gonna want a baby from a trans guy.” She pursed her lips.

“I think that’s a harsh statement. Many people are desperate for babies.” Steve just stared at her.

“So, if I have to take it to term, should I like, go off my hormones.” His stomach gave a lurch at the idea.

“I would recommend it. There’s very little research one pregnancy in transgender individuals. We really don’t know how hormones can affect the baby.” Steve sighed. “I would say, get in with an OB/GYN. I can recommend a few I know and send them your medical history. Your name change and hormone therapy is part of all of it, so hopefully they will be kind.” Steve sighed.

“Thank you, Doc. I really appreciate it.”

“I’m sorry for the disappointing news.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” She gave him a copy of their appointment notes, a list of OB/GYNs for him to research, and a hug before she left.

He drove home slowly, feeling exhausted, like the weight of the fucking world was on his shoulders.

He got home to find Robin sitting on his front porch, her nose buried in a book, a pizza box sitting next to her.

She looked up at him, and he burst into tears.

-

“Look, Max, if he contacts you in any way, tell him to call Steve, okay? It’s important.” Robin was yammering to Max on the phone, trying to get a way to contact Billy.

Steve was laying on the couch, had his shirt rucked up over his stomach, pushing it out and sucking it in, trying to see any change in his body.

“Just give him Steve’s phone number and tell him he’s an asshole.” She hung up the phone, perching on the armrest at Steve’s feet.

“She know where he is?”

“No. She said he ran off and hasn’t contacted her at all. She didn’t even know he was leaving.” She slid onto the couch, let Steve put his feet on her lap. “You think he’d come back? If he knew?”

“I don’t know. I’m not really asking him to. I mean, I don’t think I’m in a place to take care of it, but I kinda just want him to know it exists. Like, I think he deserves that.”

“I get it.” Her voice was soft. She watched Steve stare at his tummy some more. “I’m sorry. I’m sure this is just, dysphoria out the wazoo.” Steve huffed a laugh.

“I don’t think it’s really hit me yet. I think ‘cause I’m not showing. I don’t look pregnant, so how can I be pregnant, you know?” He sighed tugging down his shirt. “Going to the doctor’s gonna be a damn nightmare, though. They’re too used to dealing with women. It’s gonna suck.”

-

Steve was right.

Even though his primary care doctor had sent his medical history, he still got deadnamed and misgendered at reception, and intake, and by the nurse, and the doctor when she finally arrived.

They gave him a pelvic exam, getting him in for a sonogram as well.

And as the doctor was moving the imagining wand around on his tummy, and he heard the heartbeat for the first time, something caved inside of him.

A baby. He was having a baby.

And part of him, a really fucking big part of him, was starting to love it.

-

His parents were home for four days.

And Steve had waited for the final day of their homesteading to tell them.

He’s glad he did.

Diner was as quiet as always, and Steve had nearly choked on the words.

“I’m pregnant.”

His father had gotten out his wallet, asked how much an abortion costs.

“I’m too far along for that. Nowhere will legally do it.”

His mother had just stared at him. His father asked how far along he was.

“Close to seven months. I didn’t even know until like, a week and a half ago.”

And his father had stood up, and the yelling began.

“I can’t believe you. You kick up this huge fuss, make us change your name, and the way we refer to you, go around telling everyone your a boy, and you get pregnant like the little slut you are.”

And he had told Steve to back his shit, told him he was not welcome in my house anymore.

And Steve didn’t have a lot of shit he cared about, the clothes he liked fit in one duffel bag.

His mother didn’t look at him as he left.

-

He had called Mrs. Henderson from a payphone.

Nobody else could give him a ride anymore, and he wasn’t expecting her to drop everything and drive him somewhere, but she had freaked out at the words kicked out and for getting pregnant, and told him to stay where he is.

She was there with a tight hug and a travel mug of honey lemon tea within twenty minutes.

Steve had asked for a ride to a youth shelter he had read about, but she shook her head, said you’re coming to live with me and Dusty and Steve had cried in her passenger seat, and again in her guest bedroom.

-

Steve groaned.

He had finally begun showing, just a little bit out a mound near his belly button.

But he felt like shit, had taken to spending most days in bed.

He bat away whoever was shaking him.

“Go away.”

“Steve, it’s Max.”

“I’m sleeping.”

“I found Billy, you asshole. I have his address.” Steve sat bolt up straight.

“You, where is he?”

“Boston. He went east, for some reason. But he sent me a letter, out of the blue, and I told him you had something important to say, but he said he doesn’t have a phone.” She handed him a slip of paper.

“Thanks, Max.” He gave her a weak smile, found her chewing her lip.

“Is he the father? The other father, I mean.” He had told the party about the pregnancy, figured rumors would begin spreading soon enough.

“Yeah. He’s the other father.”

“He wouldn’t have ditched you. If he’d known.”

“I know.”

“He’s not like that.”

“I know.” She stared him down. He kept his face open, honest.

“Are you gonna write to him?”

“Yeah. I just, I don’t really know what to say.”

“Just keep it simple. Tell him he’s got a kid. Let him choose what he wants.”

-

It took Steve almost a month to draft a letter.

He didn’t really know what to say.

He settled on the bare minimum.

I’m pregnant. And it is most definitely, without a doubt, yours. I’m not expecting anything from you. I don’t want money, or for you to move back to Hawkins. I just thought you deserve to know about your kid.

He read the letter about three times, one hand pressed delicately to his little bump.

I’ve decided to keep the baby. I’m going to raise them. You’re welcome to meet them, and be in their life if you choose, but if not, I’m not going to hold it against you.

He sealed the envelope, leaving it on his nightstand.

And then his contractions started.

He didn’t get around to sending it.

-

Claudia was the only person in the room with him when he gave birth.

She held his hand the whole time, coached him through his breathing.

And when his son was born, she pet his head, told Steve how beautiful he is.

-

Steve was slumped face down on the bed.

He had just gotten Oliver down, calmed him down enough for him to finally sleep.

He rolled over, scrubbing a hand down his face.

He had barely slept all week. But Oliver had smiled at him for the first time yesterday.

He turned to lay on his side, zeroing in on the envelope on his nightstand.

He sat up quickly.

Fuck. He needed to send that letter.

He didn’t bother thinking about it, just wrapped his sweater tighter around himself, and hurried to the mailbox. He put the little flag up, leaving the letter in the little inner clasp.

He looked back down at Oliver, running one finger over his fuzzy little head.

-

He didn’t hear from Billy for three weeks.

He knew the letter wouldn’t take more than a few days to get to him, and it would take just as long for Billy to get him back.

He had pushed Billy out of his mind, figured if he wanted to be part of Oliver’s life, he had given him enough of a chance to be.

He put on a thick sweatshirt, had taken to wearing baggy tops to hide his tits, too sore, too big to bind anymore. Oliver squealed at him when he leaned against the side of his crib, reaching out for him.

He strapped him into his stroller to take him on a walk, stopped dead in the doorway.

Billy fucking Hargrove was in the driveway, standing next to the Camaro like he had just gotten out of it.

His eyes were wide, trailing from Steve, to Oliver, and back again.

“Is that my kid?” Billy’s hair was shorter than when he had left.

“Oliver. His name is Oliver.” Billy stepped around the car.

“Can I, can I see him?” Steve brought the stroller down the driveway, taking Oliver out of the stroller.

Billy held him like he was made of gold.

“He’s beautiful.”

“I think he looks a lot like you.” Billy smiled at him.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry I couldn’t get here, I was waiting for my semester to end.”

“It’s okay. I just, you know. Thought you deserved to know about him.” Billy stared at Oliver, his smile going soft as Oliver squealed, tugging on Billy’s hair.

“I want to be in his life. If that’s okay?”

“Of course it is. He’s your son too.” Billy brushed his thumb down Oliver’s nose.

“Thank you, Steve. And I’m, I’m sorry about how I left. I was going to-” he cut himself off, looking back at Oliver. “I was gonna ask you to come with me. Chickened out last minute.”

Steve’s heart was banging against his rips.

“I would’ve gone with you. Used to dream about running away with you.” Oliver started getting fussy, making disgruntled little huffs. Billy passed him back to Steve. “I was in love with you. You know that?”

“Yeah, I knew that. Was to chicken shit to do anything about it.” Billy was still looking at Oliver, the way he nestled into Steve’s neck. “He loves you a lot.”

“It’s been the two of us for awhile.”

“You’re a good dad. Always kinda figured you would be, though.” Billy took another breath. “You know, you could’ve told me sooner. I would’ve come back.”

“I don’t want you to, to change you life. Don’t quit school, or something.”

“Steve, I got a kid. I want to change my life for him. For, for you.”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

“No never did. I’m choosing this. I’m choosing my family.” Steve hesitated.

“Would you like to come in? Have some breakfast? You could give Oliver his bottle, If you wanted.” Billy’s eyes lit up.

“I’d like that.”

[jobrookekarev]

Falling Because of You

Chapter: 1/1

Words: 7100

Summary: Jo and Alex are doing their best to keep her pregnancy under wraps until Jo faints in the OR and their exciting secret slowly gets out to everyone.

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy.

Relationship: Alex Karev/Jo Karev, and Atticus Lincoln/Amelia Shepherd. 

Characters: Jo Wilson Karev, Alex Karev, Carina DeLuca, Atticus Lincoln, Amelia Shepherd, Miranda Bailey, Maggie Pierce, Meredith Grey, Nurse Ginger, Sara Ortiz, and Levi Schmitt.

Rating: General Audiences.

Additional Tags: Fluff, Fainting, Surgery, Pregnancy, Vomiting, Jo's pregnant there's bound to be puke, and Tiny Baby Booties.

Read at AO3

Read at FFN

AN: There's a running joke about Jo being a princess or a warrior queen on the show and Camilla played Kate Middleton in a movie, so I figured giving Jo the same thing Kate had would add some extra drama.

……………………………………………………………………

Jo was in her happy place. Many surgeons had a favorite procedure or OR that they liked and for Jo, it was this. She was in OR 3 separating blood vessels between two twins that had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. She was essentially turning their one placenta into two and it was her new favorite thing. Ever since the pandemic started the one thing that didn't change was their work in the OR. They still took extra precautions cleaning and sanitizing, but they had already had all the essential PPE for surgery and stepping into the OR felt like a little bit of normalcy that Jo had missed over the past year. 

Along with the pandemic changing everything, Jo changed specialties and she was now in her last few months as an OB/GYN fellow.  This was her second time doing the procedure and it was going beautifully, despite the dizziness she'd had for the past few days. It was a side effect of the medication for her Hyperemesis Gravidarum that Carina had given her. Which wasn't working as Jo had barely kept down her breakfast and had thrown up at lunch. She was supposed to talk to Carina when she got out of surgery and hopefully, she could make it till then. 

Jo loved her baby so much that it made her heart swell. The tiny pea inside of her had captured her heart and the amount of love she had for them already surprised her. The only other person she loved this much was Alex, but just like Alex did, they got on her nerves sometimes. Like when she was trying to concentrate in the middle of surgery, but the baby had decided to make the room spin as she fought with them to keep her balance.

The dizziness and nausea weren’t so bad as they didn’t occur very often, but Alex was still worried about her. So much so that he had gotten Meredith to keep an annoyingly close eye on her, but Meredith had her own surgery. Jo was on her own for a few hours and was determined to get through this surgery. She was halfway done having, paused when twin A decided to move in front of the camera.

“This is so cool!” Levi exclaimed, his eyes were glued to the monitor as he moved the camera and watched her work. 

Levi was on her service today and had scrubbed in with her as he wanted to see what drew her to OB/GYN and fetal surgery. Jo smiled as he moved the camera and they got a glimpse of the twin’s face before he moved the camera back to look at the placenta. She had been on her feet all day and it was beginning to take its toll on her. She looked up at the clock for the first time since the procedure started, not wanting to miss a second of it, but then her vision faded around the edges. 

Jo blinked a few times and then looked over at Levi. “Schmitt stop.”

“Is everything okay Dr. Karev?”

“No,” Jo said, letting go of the instruments and stepping back from the table. 

Jo took a deep breath, trying to steady herself as she put one hand on her belly as if it would calm her baby. Usually, all she had to do was pause and take a few deep breaths or sit down, but this was different. Her vision darkened and things faded around the edges. As the lightheadedness made her feel weary and Jo reached out to put her hand on the table.

Jo blinked and realized that she was laying in the recovery position on the OR floor, all of the nurses and other staff were leaning over her. She had no idea how she ended up on the floor or why everyone was around her, she just felt heavy and tired and hot all over. Despite the cold OR, Jo was sweating in her gown and one of the nurses put an ice pack on the back of her neck.

“Welcome back Dr. Karev,” Nurse Ginger said, squatting down next to Jo, her eyes wrinkling as she smiled under her mask.

All of the nurses were talking above her as Ginger kneeled beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. Jo was too weak to do anything and was still a little out of it as she lay there and someone put a square alcohol wipe under her nose. She tried to breathe it in and let it rouse her, but all Jo wanted to do was rest on the nice cold floor.

“Dr. Karev? Is she all right?” Levi asked, panic filling his voice.

“She'll be fine Dr. Schmitt, just wait here for Dr. DeLuca,” Ginger said, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Should we get her up on the gurney?” One of the other scrub nurses asked. 

“Yes, but let's give her some ammonia inhalants first to see if we can revive her more,” Ginger said, putting a packet of smelling salts a few inches from her nose. 

The smelling salts did their job as Jo felt more alert and lifted up her head to look around the OR. 

“Ugh that stuff is terrible,” Jo said, as the ammonia burnt her nose and mouth and she tilted her head away.

“There we go,” Ginger said, patting Jo’s shoulder. “Alright let's get her on the gurney.”

“I thought you died!” Levi yelled, from where he stood on the other side of the patient. 

“I’m fine,” Jo insisted as the nurses stripped off her surgery gown and gloves leaving only her mask.

Several of the nurses lifted her up onto the gurney and Jo thought she'd die of embarrassment if she ever regained her strength. She stared up at the ceiling and the doorway out of the OR as they wheeled her out. Ginger remained at her side and smiled down at her. She put a reassuring hand on Jo’s arm while one of the other nurses took her blood pressure.

“What happened?” Carina asked as Jo heard her footsteps run up the hall. Jo looked up at Carina as she reached down to take Jo’s hand.

“She fainted, but one of the other nurses caught her so she didn’t hit her head,” Ginger said to Carina as she tilted her head.

“I can’t get a read on her BP,” the other nurse said, releasing the pressure on the cuff.

“I’ll try once we get her settled,” Ginger said with a nod as the other nurse disappeared. 

“Jo, how are you feeling?” Carina asked as Jo looked to her left to see Carina looking down at her, wearing her scrub cap and mask.

“Tired, but okay. I am okay right?” Jo said as she breathed a sigh of relief when Carina nodded. Jo hated being fussed over by Carina and Alex, but Jo would happily let them fuss over her now. 

“Fainting is a common sight in pregnancy. Pregnant women faint all the time, I had one faint on me last week, but it could be your meds too, so let me give you a check up after I finish your procedure. I did page Alex, but he’s in an emergency surgery so they will tell him when he’s done,” Carina said, putting a hand on her arm and giving it a light squeeze as Jo nodded. As much as she wanted Alex his work was important and she didn’t want him worried about her during surgery. “Is there anyone else you would like me to get for you?”

“Yeah, can you page Link or just Meredith, she knows I’m pregnant,” Jo asked, Carina nodded and one of the other nurses ran off. “What about my patient?” 

Jo lifted up onto her arms, which was a terrible mistake and only brought back the dizziness as her stomach churned. 

“Your patient is completely fine,” Ginger said, as she and Carina put a hand on her shoulders and pushed her back down. 

“I'm going to go scrub in, now but when I’m done I shall come and see you,” Carina said, rubbing her arm as she smiled down at her. “In the meantime take it easy and let Ginger take care of you.” 

Carina looked down at her and her eyes crinkled as she smiled under her mask. Ever since Jo switched specialties and started her fellowship with Carina the two of them had become close friends. Carina was excited for Jo’s pregnancy if not extra precautious when it came to her pregnancy care.

“Karev,” Dr. Bailey's booming voice yelled at them from the end of the hall. “What is this I hear about you fainting in my OR.” 

“Good luck Jo,” Carina said, making a quick exit back into the OR. 

“No, don't leave me,” Jo said, reaching out to her in the hope that she would save her from Bailey's wrath. Carina hesitated, but just sent her a wink as she disappeared inside. Jo grumbled as she looked back at Chief Miranda Bailey storming towards her. “I'm sorry Dr. Bailey I have this headache and it makes me dizzy.”

That was the excuse they had been using, the past few weeks as they tried to hide Jo’s pregnancy. So far most of their friends and coworkers bought it, but Link was highly suspicious and Jo suspected that he would figure it out sooner or later. 

“A headache!” Bailey said putting her hands on the side of the gurney. With her clear helmet face mask respirator they called the space helmet she leaned over Jo in a truly terrifying way as Jo sunk back into the bed. “You willingly stepped into an OR with a headache that was messing with your abilities as a surgeon, leaving a third-year resident to continue your procedure.”

“Schmitt continued the procedure!” Jo said sitting up again, which in combination with her recent fainting and the movement of the gurney was not a good idea. 

Jo's stomach churned and before she knew it, she was pulling down her mask and leaning over the side of the railing to throw up all over Bailey's shoes. She stared down at the white hearts and pink flowers on Bailey's surgical clogs that were now splattered with vomit, fearful to look up. Bailey stepped away from her and Jo slowly lowered herself back down to lay on her side. Ginger gave her a tissue to wipe her mouth with and Jo put her mask back on as she cursed herself for getting into this situation. 

“I have not been vomited on since I was a fourth-year resident,” Bailey said in astonishment as Jo curled up and tried to hide on the gurney. “Ginger, take her to a recovery room and paged Shepherd for a Neuro check.”

“That’s not necessary,” Jo argued, but Bailey silenced her with a look and Jo resigned herself to lay back and shut up.

“And tell the other Dr. Karev to take her home when he gets here,” Bailey said before she left.

Jo squeezed her eyes shut, holding her stomach, and begged whatever forces were at work that she wouldn't embarrass herself again today. Thankfully for her, Ginger remained quiet for the rest of their ride down the hall.

“Hey Jo,” Link said, placing a hand on her shoulder as Jo looked up to see a huge grin across his face through the space helmet he was wearing. “I heard you threw up on the Chief.”

“Ugh don't remind me,” Jo said, swatting at his arm. “Or I'll throw up on you too.”

“Hey, don’t jinx it,” Link said, pulling back and helping Ginger push her gurney down the hall. “I've already been spit up on twice today.” 

Jo laughed, knowing that her godson was particularly prone to spit up and at this rate, it looked like her kid would be too. Link smiled down at her, putting his hand back on her arm and rubbing up and down as they parked her inside of an empty recovery room. 

Link looked around and grabbed a chair before sitting down beside her. “Jo, you passed out in an OR. Why didn't you tell me you weren't feeling well.”

“I'm fine,” Jo said, brushing him off and ignoring his concerned look. 

“Fainting is not fine Jo!” Lincoln said, giving her a look. “And if Alex were here, I'm sure he'd agree with me.”

“I’m sure Dr. Karev will be just fine,” Ginger said, with a knowing nod. “I’ll get you some juice and be right back.”

Jo smiled and whispered thanks to her, as she left. Link took off the helmet and put it on the bedside table, but pulled a mask out of his pocket for when Ginger returned and Jo took off her mask as well. The two of them had both been vaccinated and both of their families had been co-quarantined together for the past two months, but given that the pandemic was still ongoing they were still taking precautions at work.

As soon as she looked over at Link she sighed. Jo knew he wouldn’t let it go and that Alex would do the same. Alex was too worried for her and she knew she'd get twice as much concern and nagging from him. At least with her husband, she could kiss him to make his grumpy look go away. 

They heard a knock at the door and Jo saw Amelia peek her head in and Jo bit her lip trying to think of a way to get out of this before Ginger got back. “Hey Jo, I heard you threw up on Bailey’s shoes.”

Jo groaned, putting her hands over her face as her cheeks turned pink. She wasn’t surprised that her puking incident with Dr. Bailey’s shoes had spread all over the hospital. With how the current gossip cycle worked Jo would be the subject of whispers and ridicule for weeks.

“And she fainted in the OR,” Lincoln added, ignoring the glare that she sent his way.

“Yeah I heard about that too,” Amelia said, adopting the look of a more concerned doctor rather than a friend as she stepped into the room and took off her mask. “Bailey paged me and said she was concerned about you. What happened?”

Jo looked over at Link and grabbed his hand. As much as she wanted him there, she didn’t want him knowing she was pregnant just yet. “Can you go grab my bag from my locker and check on Alex? He’s in surgery, but can you see how much longer he’ll be?” 

Link looked confused but nodded and squeezed her hand. “Yeah.”

Link left, but not before he and Amelia exchanged a few whispered words and a parting kiss. Jo tried to slowly sit up and Amelia put down the railing and moved the upper part of the bed into a reclined position as she came closer to examine her. Jo felt exhausted and still faint as she leaned back against the bed. She put a hand on her belly remembering her tiny sweet pea sized baby inside of her. Jo thought it best to just tell Amelia the truth and hoped she could keep it a secret, even from Link.

“I'm ten weeks pregnant, on top of that I have Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Carina put me on medication because the weekend we found out I was pregnant, I threw up non-stop and by the time we came in I was dehydrated. I’ve been dizzy before, but I've never fainted and Carina said she’d check on me once she’s finished with the surgery.”

“Oh my god, you're pregnant!” Amelia said with a smile as she leaned over to hug her. “We’ve all been waiting for you and Alex to have a kid. You must be so excited, congratulations.”

“Thank you, we’re really excited as well,” Jo said, smiling as Amelia hugged her. “But can you keep it on the down-low and not tell Link. We aren’t telling everybody yet, only Meredith and Carina know.”

“Yeah, of course, and that makes sense as to why you fainted. So since you're the OB Fellow what would you recommend as a course of action for your care, Dr. Karev?” Amelia said with a smile as she handed Jo the tablet with her chart. 

“I want a fetal doppler to check the baby's heartbeat and a pelvic exam just in case. Ginger said she'd bring by some apple juice and crackers, but I don't think I'll be able to keep it down so I'd prescribed Ondansetron for my nausea as it’s worked in the past,” Jo said in putting her orders into her chart and sending out a page to Sasha the only OB Resident she trusted to give her an exam other than Carina and instructed her to bring down the fetal doppler. 

“Sounds good, but let me check you out just in case,” Amelia said, grabbing the BP cuff that was still wrapped around Jo’s arm and pulling out his stethoscope as she grasped her wrist to take her blood pressure. 

“Is a full exam really necessary,” Jo sighed, tilting her head as Amelia wrote down her BP in the tablet. 

“If you want me to keep this from Link, yes,” Amelia said, raising her eyebrow. Jo smiled and sat back as Amelia continued to examine her and had Jo grip her hands. “Why haven’t you told him yet?”

“I love Link, but he freaked out when he found out you were pregnant and I already have Alex fussing over me, I don't need Link to do it too and it's nice to have the baby just be mine and Alex’s,” Jo said as she smiled and looked down at her hand over her baby. 

“I get that,” Amelia said, giving her a soft smile as Amelia undid the BP cuff and had her touch Amelia’s finger and then her nose. “Have you experienced any headaches?” 

“No, and no other neurological effects apart from the dizziness,” Jo said as she sat back Amelia checked her pupils.

“Okay, well your reflexes and grip are good, and your BP is back to normal,” Amelia said, pulling back and putting her stethoscope around her neck. 

Sasha came down and gave her a quick pelvic exam. Jo hated having to change into a gown and that Amelia officially admitted her as a patient, but for the sake of her baby, she complied. She wasn't dilated or bleeding so Jo sent her away, opting to do the fetal heartbeat check herself. Amelia moved the bed back down as she warmed up the gel packet in her hands. Jo undid the strings of her scrub pants and tucked the blue towel into the hem of her pants. Jo then pulled up her shirt and laid back as Amelia poured the now warm gel onto her belly. 

“Okay, I have no idea how to do this. The last time I did a fetal doppler I was a resident,” Amelia said handing Jo the doppler.

“That's okay, I’ve done it a hundred times at work, and after we heard the heartbeat the first time I borrowed one from the hospital. Alex and I listen to it every night. I’m usually able to find it over here...” 

Jo trailed off as she moved the doppler over her belly to the spot where the heartbeat was last night and sure enough, the strong sound of her baby's heartbeat filled the room. Jo smiled as she listened to it, completely forgetting to pay attention and count the heartbeats.

“Your baby's heart rate is 172 beats per minute which is normal for ten weeks when the BPM is at its highest around 170. Your baby's heart rate is steady and strong,” Amelia said, smiling as she wrote it down on the tablet. “You and Alex must have already started work on the nursery then. Are you gonna expand on the space you have set up for when Scout stays over?”

Jo let out a breath of relief, knowing that her baby was healthy and okay, but kept the doppler on her belly, enjoying the sound of her baby's heartbeat. “Kind of, but we're thinking of buying a house. The loft and neighborhood aren’t really kid-friendly, but Alex’s mom, Helen, has sent out a dozen little baby hats and booties. She said she’s even working on a baby blanket for us as well.”

“Is there anything in particular you guys want? I loved the Snoo and those little WubbaNubs. Oh, I’ll get you the monkey one! Also, are you having a baby shower? After you tell people of course,” Amelia smiled as Jo finally handed her the doppler and exchanged it for a few paper towels so she could wipe off the gel. 

“I’d love the monkey one, Alex will get a kick out of it, and yes we're planning on having a baby shower, I’ve attended five on the OB floor so far and I want one of my own,” Jo said, balling up the tissues and the towel and pulling her scrub top back down before putting her hand over her baby. “And my patients always give me their recommendations for the best baby products. I've been writing it all down ever since Alex and I started trying so I have a full registry now.” 

“Well email me the link and I'll try and get you something good because Auntie Amelia gives all the best gifts,” Amelia said, with a smile and a little giggle that was infectious as Jo laughed. 

When Amelia started dating Link, Jo wasn’t sure how she’d fit as Amelia joined Jo and Link's family. In the past year, they had grown closer. So close that Link often complained that Jo was replacing him with Amelia as her best friend. Amelia put the doppler in the drawer next to her, so she could check the baby's heart rate again if necessary. Jo thought she was done until Amelia pulled out a thermometer from the drawer and ran it across her forehead.

“Any other symptoms, any fevers?”

“No.”

“You’ve been fatigued and have been complaining of back pain and heartburn,” Link said as he walked into the room and took off his mask. He handed her the bag, giving her a look as Jo scoffed at him and crossed her arms.

“Yeah, because I have a cold and a puppy that refuses to walk down the stairs so we have to carry him,” Jo insisted, setting Link with a look before. 

“Well I’m sure Reeses will learn to navigate the stairs eventually,” Amelia said, hiding her smile as she dipped her chin, but she sent Jo a wink and she knew Amelia would keep her secret. “Well you’re not running a fever now and it looks like just a cold, but I want to run some labs and double check since you did faint and threw up. I also think you’re dehydrated again so let’s start an IV.”

Jo sighed, she was frustrated that her medication wasn't working and worried for her baby's development. She looked down and realized she was still holding her belly and moved her hand to take her wedding rings off the necklace. She always put them on the necklace Alex had given her for Christmas, during surgery and slipped them to her finger now. 

“Is Alex out of surgery yet?”

“No, I just checked, but he should be out pretty soon,” Link said, sitting down next to her and reaching out to hold her fidgeting hand. 

“Do you have surgery or anything?” Jo asked, trying to seem nonchalant and she shrugged her shoulders.

“Nope,” Link said, relaxing back and settling in. “I’ve already pushed it and put Nico in charge, but I can go if you want to be alone?” 

“I suppose you can stay,” Jo shrugged, but gave him a thankful smile as he squeezed her hand. 

Amelia left, but not before Link tried to get more out of her, but Amelia just patted his cheek and gave him a kiss before she left. Jo had seen Link in love a few times, but not like this. Amelia was good for him, she was a tiny firecracker that brought some excitement to Link’s life and forced him to let loose a little bit. With Amelia and Scout, Link finally had the family he always wanted and Jo was so happy for him.

Ginger came back and she set Jo up with IV fluids, some apple juice, a few crackers, and the Ondansetron so she could keep it all down. As Amelia had officially admitted her, Ginger put a hospital bracelet on her wrist, which thankfully only said that she was under observation and listed her wool allergy. 

Dr. Sara Ortiz came by to take the blood sample, and thankfully Jo didn't faint again. However, Ginger made her wear a stupid fall risk bracelet, that Link wouldn’t let her cut off. In exchange for Jo promising to keep it on Link grabbed her an extra blanket straight from the warmer. Since she would be stuck there for another few hours, Jo curled up on the bed as She and Link talked for a while until Alex came rushing in.

“Jo,” Alex breathed out, a look of desperation across his face as he rushed over to her tearing off his mask.

Jo sat up and let herself be enveloped by Alex's hug, wrapping her arms around his neck. She heard the door open and saw Link sneak out before she hid her face in Alex’s shoulder.

“We’re fine, the baby and I are fine.”

“You passed out in an OR, you're clearly not fine!” Alex exclaimed as he looked her over. 

“Alex,” Jo said, placing a hand on his cheek. He instantly melted. His eyes growing soft, his shoulders slumped as he leaned into her hand. Jo smiled as he softened for her. “The baby made me dizzy and that’s all it is. We’re fine, I promise.”

“I know, but please don’t scare me like that again,” Alex shook his head. “I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you or the baby.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, okay, come here,” Jo said, pulling him over to sit next to her. 

“My heart just dropped the second Amelia told me,” Alex said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and leaning his head against hers as he put his hand on her stomach. “You should have gotten me sooner Hayes could have finished my surgery.”

“Link said that it was an emergency surgery and that they couldn't pull you out without risking the patient,” Jo said, closing her eyes as she put her hand over Alex's. “If it’d make you feel better, you could go yell at a resident for my labs so we can get out of here.”

“Which one?”

“Baby Ortiz.”

Alex smiled and shook his head. “Bailey said not to scare the Interns anymore.”

“Well it looks like you won't have to anyway,” Jo said, looking past him to see the back of Ortiz's head outside the window as she waited patiently. 

Alex got up as they put on their masks and let Ortiz in. Meanwhile, Link, Bailey, Maggie, Jackson, Richard, Andrew, Levi, Helm, and even Owen, waited outside. Jo saw Alex’s phone ping as a text from Meredith demanding an update flashed across the screen. She looked out at everyone waiting outside, Jo never thought that she would have so many people in her life who cared about her.

Alex reached for the paperwork in Ortiz’s hand, but she pulled back. “Perhaps Dr. Karev would prefer to be given her results alone and then inform you later Dr. Karev.”

Alex shook his head but looked over at her, asking permission to stay and Jo nodded. He closed the door before coming back to sit on the bed beside her. Jo then looked at Ortiz as she opened the tablet in her hand, giving it to her. 

“Your blood results are clear of infection, or any other concerns, but it also showed elevated HCG levels consistent with a pregnancy of ten weeks gestation.”

Jo and Alex looked at each other and then back at Ortiz before they started to giggle. “We know.”

“You know,” Ortiz said, looking at them wide eyed as Alex tried to stifle a laugh. 

“Of course I know. I’m an OB/GYN, we’ve been trying for a baby and we found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago. Now can you please go get Carina so I can get out of here!” Jo yelled at them as she was frustrated that everyone was overreacting. Alex however, seemed to find it absolutely hilarious and let out a full laugh as Ortiz turned pale. 

Ortiz scurried out of the room and straight into Carina who came and looked over at Jo and Alex in the bed. She shut the door behind her as she took them in. “What is going on?”

Jo looked over and Alex as he laughed, his laughter was infectious as she realized it was all so ridiculous and laughed with him. She smiled wider than she had in a long time and she was giddy with laughter as she looked over at Alex. 

“God Jo, I've never been so worried about you,” Alex said, shaking his head with a laugh. “And only to find out that you're just pregnant.”

“I know, I know, and I fainted. I know it's concerning, but it's just my pregnancy, right?” Jo asked as she looked over at Carina who had picked up her chart and was reading it.

Carina giggled as well as she nodded and looked over the chart. “I agree with your conclusion Dr. Karev, you are indeed fine, but I suggest we switch your medication to something else as it is clearly not working for you. I heard about Dr. Bailey’s shoes. I'll have the new prescription sent down to the pharmacy that you can pick up right away. I suggest you take the day off and relax, but feel free to come in to work tomorrow. I want to keep a close eye on you and monitor you on the new meds. I see that Dr. Shepherd had cleared you and that you were a little dehydrated earlier hence the IV, and as soon as it’s finished you may go.” 

“Thank you, Dr. DeLuca,” Jo said, giving her mentor a nod. Carina patted her leg before she left and Jo turned back to Alex as they took off their masks. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

“Hey it's okay, you're pregnant and your meds aren’t working, it's a lot,” Alex said, rubbing his thumb on her stomach from where it was still on her belly. “You’ll finish your IV and we’ll go home, take the rest of the day off, and spend some time with Reeses. You’ll take your new meds and that should help with the Hyperemesis Gravidarum and the dizziness, then we’ll go back to work tomorrow and everything will be okay. In the meantime, I'm going to take care of you, while you take care of yourself and our baby.”

His eyes and his smile were soft and Jo just nodded, leaning in to kiss him and relax against his lips. She pulled back, but he kissed her again as she laughed, she leaned her head on his chest and put her hand over his, on her belly. Even if she wasn’t showing yet, their baby was there and she couldn't wait to feel them move inside of her.

Alex nodded and leaned down to kiss her head. He couldn’t seem to keep his lips off of her, but Jo was still tired and was content to lay in his arms. Jo soon closed her eyes and the rest of the world drifted away. She listened to the sound of Alex breathing in and out and before she knew it, she had fallen asleep. Alex let her sleep till the IV bag was finished and Jo woke up to Ginger taking her IV out. 

“I never did say congratulations,” Ginger whispered to her, putting a cotton ball over her IV sight and Jo gave her a sleepy nod.

Jo slowly woke up and Alex grabbed her things from her locker in the lounge so Jo could change back into her clothes. They figured that their laughing had let their friends know that Jo was okay and they weren't surprised to see that none of them had stuck around outside the room.

“Well, what is it? What happened? Are you and the baby okay?” Meredith asked the door swinging open as she flew into the room still in her mask, surgery cape, and scrub cap. 

“The baby and I are fine, I just fainted because of my meds,” Jo assured her as Alex finished tying her shoes and stood up putting a hand on her back. 

“You're fine and the babies’ fine,” Meredith said as she let out a sigh of relief and walked over to Jo.

“Yes, we’re both fine,” Jo sighed as she nodded and Meredith enveloped her into a hug. 

Alex cleared his throat before he turned to look at her, he wasn’t used to being Meredith's second favorite as she fussed over Jo now that she was pregnant. “We're going to go home for the rest of the day.”

“Okay good, you should rest, why don't I bring over some dinner for you tonight?” Meredith said, as Alex and Jo exchange to look. “I never said I'd cook, I'll pick some pizza and drop it off around six, Maggie is taking Zola and Ellis to a Girl Scout’s meeting tonight, so it’s just me and Bailey. If you want I'm sure Bailey and I could take Reeses for a walk at the park.”

“That’d be great. I'm sure Reeses would love to play with him,” Jo said, as she grabbed Alex’s hand and stood up.

“Good,” Meredith said as her eyes sparkled with joy. “You two are such a good Auntie and Uncle to my kids and I can’t wait to be an Auntie to your baby.”

Jo and Alex exchanged a look and Jo could tell that he was smiling under his mask just like she was. They had been Aunt Jo and Uncle Alex to Meredith’s kids for so long. Babysitting them whenever she needed them too, taking them on day trips around Seattle, getting them whatever they wanted, and then hopping them up on sugar before giving them back to her. Meredith always talked about how much she would spoil their kids when they finally had them, giving them a taste of their own medicine.

Link knocked on the door looking between them with raised eyebrows before his eyes settled on Jo.

“It's just a cold, I’m fine,” Jo insisted, despite how she knew she wasn't the least bit convincing.

“We heard you two laughing from the hall. The whole hospital knows you're pregnant,” Link said and Jo could see several of their friends behind them. “You up for any visitors?” 

Jo just nodded and sat back down on the bed as Link opened the door. Amelia, Maggie, Jackson, Bailey, Richard, Owen, Levi, Helm, and several of the other doctors and nurses came in and crowded around her bed as Jo sat back down. She looked over at Alex who just smiled as he put his arm around her waist. 

“Congratulations!” Everyone shouted as they all took turns hugging her and Alex.

“Congratulations, I'm glad you're okay. We were all so worried. You are okay right,” Maggie said, hugging Jo before she pulled back and grabbed her wrist to check her pulse.

“I’m fine,” Jo said, but let Maggie do it anyway.

“Are you sure, because fainting isn't necessarily neurological related it could also indicate a heart issue,” Maggie asked, still looking at her with a look of concern. 

“I'm fine, I’m just pregnant,” Jo insisted as she looked over at Alex and Jo put her hand on his knee as he squeezed her hand. 

Their friends continued to offer congratulations and fussed over Jo as she assured them she was fine. Regardless they all vowed to keep an eye on her and offered their help for whenever she would need it. Jo expected nothing less from a room full of doctors but was happy that she could relax. She could barely pretend that she wasn’t exhausted at the end of the day and now no one would bat an eye if she took a nap at lunchtime. Even if it meant Alex would be able to hover over her more than he already did. 

“This is so exciting!” Link said, pulling Jo in for a hug. “I thought Scout would be the only baby of the hospital running around after his big cousins and now he can have a friend, and me I need a parenting friend. I mean Amelia too but mostly me.”

“You’re welcome?” Jo said she wasn’t sure if he was excited for her or just excited that he wouldn't be parenting alone.

Link let her go and Bailey walked over to her, setting her with a look through her helmet as Jo bit her lip, thankful that her mask covered her expression.

“So you're having a baby,” Bailey said, Jo thought she'd be in trouble for keeping her pregnancy a secret from the chief, but Bailey just smiled and put a hand on her arm. “Congratulations, Dr. Karev, although you’ve probably heard that a million times by now.”

“Pretty much, but it hasn't gotten old yet,” Jo said as she relaxed and leaned against Alex who automatically put his arm around her waist although he was still talking with Meredith. 

“It never does,” Bailey said with a bright smile that Jo easily matched, sharing in her excitement. “Just try not to throw up on my shoes again?”

“I will aim for the floor instead,” Jo said, with a solemn nod.

“Um-hum,” Bailey hummed, but smiled and Jo knew she was forgiven.

Things turned into a small party as everyone ran out and got balloons, and flowers, and teddy bears, even a few onesies and hats. Ever since they had all been vaccinated the restrictions around the attendings being able to be in groups together had relaxed. Which meant that everyone used any excitement as an excuse to crowd around and have a little party. It had been a hell of a year and they could all use a little excitement. It only ended when everyone was pulled into a massive trauma. Finally, around 4:00 pm they walked out of the hospital, with more flowers and teddy bears than they knew what to do with. Their plan was to take the flowers home to die and relax on the couch. 

As they passed the gift shop Jo paused and pulled Alex in. There was a pair of the cutest baby booties in the window that she had been staring at the past few weeks. Now that everyone knew she could get them without anyone questioning her purchases or someone starting a rumor. Even if Jo knew that the baby would just kick the booties off the second she put them on, as she put them in Alex's hands they both knew that they couldn’t resist. Cindy in the gift store packaged them up with a knowing look and told them congratulations before they walked out of the hospital. 

Once they got home and changed out of their work clothes, Jo took the baby booties out and cut off the tags. She cleared out one of their clothes shelves and placed the onesies, hats, and booties on the now empty shelf, then she laid down on the bed and just stared at them. Alex put her things away and ran across the hall to Layla’s to get Reeses, who bounded into the loft before he culled up next to her and Alex laid down next to her too, staring at the baby clothes on the shelf.

“We're going to need a bigger clothes cabinet.” 

Jo smiled and squeezed his hand from where it rested on her belly, before rolling over to look at Alex as he stared down at her.

“We're going to buy a house, one with a backyard and a swing set and a playroom for all their toys that is never going to be clean. We're going to start using our vacation days and we're gonna go to the zoo and the aquarium and museums, and the beach and we’ll go camping and to freaking Disneyland and all of those vacations that we never got to take as kids. Promise me, we're going to give our kid everything that we never got as children and that we’re going to love them more than anything in this world.”

Jo staring intently into his eyes and Alex nodded, looking more serious than she had ever seen. “I promise.”

“And after the baby is born, I need you to take paternity leave with me and once we go back to work we're going to adjust our hours. We’ll do the 4 on 3 off, days. It'll be 12 hour shifts and we'll be on call some nights, but we'll get the weekends off and it'll be just us and the baby. And when they get older and go to school we can work more but for now, we need to make time for them. We need to promise that we'll always take time for them regardless of our careers. I know we can do it because I’ve seen Meredith do it. We have to try, we have to be better than our birth parents and our crappy foster parents. We have to be there for our kid.”

“Yes, I promise, listen to me Jo,” Alex said, putting one arm around her, but keeping the other on her belly as he pulled her close, and rested his forehead against hers. “You and me, we're going to be better than the people who raised us. Our kid is going to have so much more than we ever had. We're not going to be perfect, but we’ll be good and our kid will be loved and safe. They’ll grow up in a good home and I’ll work to make sure of that, I promise.”

Jo felt the tears collect in her eyes as she nodded and snuggled up to Alex, nuzzling his neck with her nose. Alex kissed her forehead and Jo thought of the baby booties. Their kid would have a good life and a good home and they would do their best to be good parents. Jo was sure of that.

……………………………………………………………………

AN: Also I fainted while getting a blood draw recently. Yeah, it was not fun, but all the nurses were really nice. I’ve fainted with IV’s before, but this was new and not fun. This wasn’t inspired by that, but I did use my experience in this story.

[coleyholts]

Here it is.  The Medication Post.

Note: I’m going to start off by saying that this is highly personal and any judgement (although I don’t really care, but we’ll explore that) will not be tolerated and it will make you a bad person. This is a detailed account of my medication history and I am putting it out there in hopes that someone out there will benefit from what I know.  Okay. Glad to have that out of the way.

When I was in high school (maybe 16-ish??), I went to my doctor and told him that I was having trouble shaking the feeling of constantly being rushed and that people are looking at me like I’m less than they are.  These feelings were always present and made my life so much harder than it needed to be.

I was completely open to medication, having known many adults and a few of my peers that had benefited greatly from their qualities.  I started Paxil, and at first, I was so relieved.  As a few months rolled by, I noticed that while I wasn’t terribly sad or anxious, I was not experiencing any positive emotions either.  I had become completely numb to everything I was supposed to be enjoying as a high school Junior with a bright future full of mysteries.

After six months, doc and I had a check-in.  I told him how I felt, so I was switched to Effexor.  I felt like this medication made no difference whatsoever.  I felt like I was served this ultimatum by life that made me choose between being shaky and nervous and having no emotions whatsoever.  I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS, but I weaned myself off and didn’t look back...until recently.

During my complicated pregnancy filled with hurdles like spine surgery, physical therapy, pain management with the best medications to not harm my baby, gestational diabetes, excessive swelling, knee injections (the list really never ends), I found myself feeling sorry for myself.  I shouldn’t have to go through so much pain in order to bring life into this world like most other women.  I talked to my OB/GYN about this, and he said starting Zoloft would not hurt Natasha, and that a lot of at-risk women begin taking it in the third trimester in preparation for Post-Partum Depression.  I decided to tough out my pregnancy without medication, as I was already out of work at this point for blood pressure.

At your first check-up (usually two weeks after delivery), you are asked to fill out a survey containing questions that indicate exactly where you’re at emotionally.  I felt weird checking boxes of the symptoms I had been experiencing, asking myself if these feelings were real.  My biggest issue was that I was crying WAY too much.  Looking back, I think this was caused by feelings of guilt surrounding the fact that I could not care for my baby as much as I wanted to, being almost 300 lb. And recently being cut in half for a cesarean.  I started Zoloft that day.

For me personally, timing considered, Zoloft completely changed my life.  Although I was dealing with some nerve pain complications, I was able to “get it together” most of the time.  I was so happy that I put my faith in Dr. Aron, as I held my head high and enjoyed my baby and husband while I healed with steroids, muscle relaxers, injections and physical therapy.

Everything was getting better and better medically.  I had reached complete relief with my back pain, while working almost all of the way through my PPD.  I got my ADHD diagnosis, got properly medicated, and everything made sense.  I switched all of my medications to my primary care physician, and was just about to come off Zoloft completely.  I felt so accomplished.  

Then, the accident happened.

When we were discharged after Natasha’s surgery, I called my doctor’s office on the way home.  I sobbed knowing I had to do the exact opposite of what my goal had been and increase my Zoloft.  I left a message with a nurse (they know me from all the bs I dealt with during my pregnancy), and after telling her what happened, I got the notification that my prescription had been filled.  It helped in less than three days, and I was hopeful.

When the episodes (anxiety, tears, shaky, nausea) started, that’s ultimately when I knew that I had to utilize something else.  I was given Klonopin, which would also help with my restless legs.  We also decided to raise my Zoloft for a second time, considering I was starting therapy for PTSD and he thought it would be beneficial to help my chemicals all balance back out.

I still have the goal of completely coming off antidepressants completely; not because of any kind of judgement or stigma, but because I dream of the day when I can be happy again without any help.  I want to be able to walk outside on a fall day and see Daniel and Natasha playing in leaves in the yard without my irrational thoughts, giving me reasons why I don’t deserve this because of what happened.  I want to enjoy being at social events, and not feel like everyone has a reason not to want me there or like they’re thinking how much of an idiot I am for letting my baby roll off my bed. I’m working on this in therapy, and am making great progress.  I have very supportive doctors that help my work towards my goals that I get to set.

So, to close this post, do not be afraid to utilize medication.  Life does not have to be so painful.  You do not walk around with a neon sign floating above your head that says MY BRAIN IS BROKE AND NEEDS MEDS, and there is no need to be embarrassed.  Get the help you need to be the very best you, and give that truly authentic version of yourself to the people you love.

[comeonthinkers]

The Constant Struggle of Cuteness

I feel like, this morning, I need to talk about body image. Body image, and the constant barrage of conflicting messages around body image that I, as a midsize woman, receive and dissect every day.

First of all: midsize. Was this even a term five years ago? As “plus size” has become more ubiquitous and more accepted in the past decade, “fat” has been reclaimed, and “curvy” is suddenly more of a feeling than a descriptor, the terms I used to identify with as a teenager now, somehow, no longer apply to me anymore. I’m not sure what happened in the past decade; in high school I distinctly remember almost always being the largest woman in the room. Since then, whether it’s due to perception, self-confidence, age, awareness, or just... overall changes in the population, I now find myself distinctly in the middle. 

Note: I’ve been a size 12-16 my entire post-adolescent life. For one brief stint after college I could fit into a size 10. But before and since, 14 has been the mainstay numeral in my wardrobe. My steady friend and most accurate guesstimate across brands as to what my body may fit.

14, despite being the most (so I’m told) “common” size amongst women, was for many years infamous for being the most left-out, in-between size in clothing stores. In juniors’ stores (marketed toward teens: your Charlotte Russe’s and Forever 21′s), 14 would translate to the non-existent XXL: with “XL” usually falling in the “12″ range. In Plus Size or Women’s stores, 14 is a 0X; 1X is most commonly measured around a “16″ size.

About 5 years ago I found a fashion youtuber who made a video decrying the variation of a size 12 across different brands. And I’ll agree: sizes vary a lot from brand to brand, despite there being a base similarity in most big brand stores. She, like me, found herself living in this dreaded size 12-14 fashion purgatory, this no-womans-land of sizes. And even here! The numbers can’t be trusted!

She called herself “midsize”. She looked a lot like me. And at last, I had a label I could consistently search and see body types that I could identify with. From what I can tell, midsize is the chosen moniker for fashion influencers sizes 8-16, with of course, varying body shapes and compositions. For example, many of the folks I follow on instagram that claim “midsize” wear a VERY different bra size from me- so to find “fashion inspiration” I can actually act upon from midsize influencers, I also have to bring in a few accounts that allow for more top-heavy-friendly designs.

Despite all of the overwhelming positivity and diversity now available to me as a midsize woman (for example, almost all plus-size brands now start at a size 10-12 (00X-0X), and most “regular” retail brands now extend to a XXL), I can’t help but go back to my first observation: I’m no longer the largest woman in the room. While I don’t consider myself particularly unhealthy, I also know I’m not passing any presidential fitness tests any time soon. I find it difficult to run for extended periods of time. My joint strength isn’t nearly what it should be to support my weight. While muscular, I have a lot of extraneous body fat that adds strain to my daily life, and all my body’s systems: skeletal, endocrine, muscular, cardiovascular. This isn’t good. I’ve worked for years to try to find ways to get stronger, lose weight, and improve my overall health- in fact, the difficulty I faced when trying to lose weight was what led me to discover that I have PCOS and a few hormonal hurdles to maintaining a healthy body weight.

But when I try to research how best to approach health and weight loss with PCOS, the studies are few and far between- and when available are fairly inconclusive and far from thorough. I’m left to follow MORE accounts of personal success stories, all of which are biased toward one product or another, one lifestyle brand or book tour, all of which are antithetical to every other product, book, or brand I’ve seen before.

On the one hand, I’m grateful to see more body types represented in the media.  It IS helpful to my self-esteem to normalize the bodies of women both my size and larger than me (even if there’s still a prevalence of too-smooth skin and too-round belly buttons). But I also worry about how we tend to conflate feeling good about ourselves to being healthy. They aren’t the same. And we’re letting commercial forces tell us that it’s okay to be unhealthy even when attempting to BE healthy: mentally or physically.

Time to come clean here: for the past year, I’ve been experimenting on and off with a carnivore lifestyle, which, OBVIOUSLY, many people assume is super unhealthy, much like the stigma around Atkins in the early 2000′s. Honestly, it feels a lot like Atkins did back in the day: lots of bacon, burgers, steak, and eggs. Quite literally “zero-carb”, as opposed to just “low-carb”. While low-carb isn’t really new anymore, and many people can see carnivore as a logical step past the surprisingly universally accepted ketogenic diet, I was amazed to discover just how much the “science” of the trendier diets of the past decade (paleo, keto, whole-30) don’t match up to the scientific, accepted nutritional advice of the actual medical community.

Last year I started going to a weight-loss clinic at the behest of my OB-GYN in an attempt to get my PCOS and weight “under control”. I’m gonna spoil most of the rest of this rant by saying this was a pretty dumb idea for someone like me. This clinic was created around those with extreme weight issues, for whom psychological care and bariatric surgery are the most “effective” forms of treatment (again, according to the health care system that seems determined to sell it, but I’ll talk more about THAT another time). The nutritionist I met with gave me the same spiel I’d read time and time again from every weight-loss specialist book I’d bought, despite me relaying to her my decades-long struggle with traditional diets and fat-loss strategies. A ketogenic diet was never recommended to me, nor any kind of actual dietary changes to help with hormone balance/control: I was prescribed metformin (a drug for insulin resistance most commonly prescribed to type 2 diabetics) and told to eat a low-fat, high-fiber diet.

I didn’t lose any weight. My periods didn’t regulate. I just stopped gaining weight as fast... although I did eventually gain back the 12 pounds I’d lost from my first 2 months on carnivore. 

The truth is, that treatment plan, that clinic... it doesn’t exist for someone who is trying to change their body chemistry. It might work for folks that are so obese that literally ANY form of mindful eating will help them lose 200 pounds. But let’s be real: if I lost 200 pounds, I’d weigh 6 pounds. I’m a tall, muscular woman with some fat that has tried all the recommended diets for fat loss. Through them all, I fight cravings and energy loss, mood swings, and all the symptoms that come with PCOS. The ONLY thing I’ve found in the past 10 years that actually helps with my PCOS? 

Regular exercise, stress management, and a carnivore diet. 

I’ll also point out that when I DID lose a considerable amount of weight after college (due to what I think was a combination of 1. getting enough sleep for once, 2. intermittent fasting, and 3. regular hiking), it was also easier for me to maintain my weight and many of my PCOS symptoms went away. It wasn’t until I switched to a HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL method that I then gained back all of the weight I lost (and then some) and once again began fighting uncontrolled PCOS symptoms. They compounded on each other, and made it harder and harder to get back to any kind of “normal”. 

So, I’m back on carnivore. In addition to more stable energy, noticeable reduction of PCOS symptoms, and slight weight loss, I also just... hurt a lot less on carnivore. Along this journey I’ve finally realized that I do in fact have a chronic pain problem. Whether it’s due to chronic inflammation, past injuries, or food sensitivities, I’m not really sure: but I know when I eat carnivore, my chronic pain all but goes away. Recently, I’ve been recovering from a back injury, so there was of course some pain associated with that (as well as a break from regular exercise, which I plan to get back to once I’m cleared by my chiropractor), but the daily body aches, numbness, and discomfort?

Gone. 

I’ve got regular periods when I eat this way- like, ACTUALLY one a month like I’m supposed to have. My facial hair growth slows down, even thins out. My focus improves. I sleep better, and actually follow a normal circadian rhythm. What’s total bananas is that I’m not the only one who experiences this: MANY folks who’ve tried this way of eating report daily quality of life improvements.

I’m not going to say everyone should eat this way; I’m not even going to suggest that everyone with PCOS should eat this way. But I WOULD love to see some actual RESEARCH done on this way of eating- or even better research on a ketogenic diet! I’m so frustrated by the lack of medical research on nutrition, and in particular the lack of action to curb the universally-accepted-to-be-unhealthy nutrition standards in America. While I won’t say it’s hard to eat carnivore (cause like, all diets are hard), I have noticed over the years that NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY IS HEALTHY anymore- except for those whose JOB it is to be healthy. And this isn’t a coincidence!! Almost all cultures that have adopted American corporatized food structures are chronically unhealthy, and much, much more fat than they used to be.

I agree that being fat isn’t always a personal failing, and I’m so, SO glad that more and more figures in our media diets are representing the diverse catalogue of body shapes and sizes reflected in our world. I’m happy that my future daughter won’t be fat-shamed the same way I was as a little girl, and that she likely won’t be told (like I was) that she’s too fat to be what she wants to be when she grows up, despite not actually being all that fat. 

BUT. Fat representation is not the hill I want to literally die on. I’m not willing to throw my health, my comfort, my ability to be active, away for my “right” to eat ice cream every day. I’m sick of being marketed to constantly as a garbage disposal. I’m not just here to eat and diet and wear clothes.

I’m here to LIVE. I’m here to plant gardens and make art and take walks and enjoy the seasons. And I can’t do a lot of those things if I’m constantly sick and in pain. And it’s way harder to enjoy not being sick and not being in pain when all we know to do as a society when spending time together is... eat food. 

What frustrates me is, I think so much of this really comes down to marketing, corporate profit-mongering, and the way our political system is set up to make laws for companies instead of people. I think capitalism is making us fat and unhealthy, to sell us sugar and diets and medicine and surgeries in an endless cycle of crap. I don’t really have much more to say on that, I don’t have sources, except like... well, look around you. Look at the system we have. Look at what we’re told to do to escape it. And look at how many forces are there to take us right back to the beginning of the roller coaster when we have a little success. 

Side note/conspiracy theory time: I actually think liposuction might be a more safe and effective (literally EFFECTIVE not just safe) form of “weight loss surgery” in helping folks with actual, permanent weight loss. Hear me out: while I will fully admit I can’t remember where I read any of this (as I’ve read so many scores of information regarding health and weight loss over my lifetime), I seem to remember body fat working something like this: it’s really easy for your body to make new fat cells, but very difficult for your body to destroy them. So, when you gain fat, it first occurs by your body filling your fat cells with fat, until they can’t hold anymore, and then your body makes new fat cells, which makes it easier for your body to hold onto said fat. The best way to “reset” your body’s fat threshold is to literally destroy or remove the fat cells. And, I assume, if you adopt more healthy habits AFTER having liposuction, your body would be less likely to create more fat cells than it was when you lived an unhealthy lifestyle.

Bariatric surgery is incredibly invasive and dangerous, and almost always ends up reversed by bad habits and your body’s natural ability to STORE FAT AND STRETCH YOUR STOMACH. It’s a temporary solution, and often proves to be ineffective in the long term, and leads to many unfortunate complications over time, not to mention the recovery from that surgery is LONG and TOUGH.

But liposuction (the most COMMON FORM OF PLASTIC SURGERY, I’ll add), is the only “weight loss” procedure (despite not being labeled as such- it’s “cosmetic surgery” even though it most definitely WOULD result in weight loss, right?) that actually removes fat from your body. Literally takes the fat cells away so your body can’t fill them up again, without once again needing to create more.

But bariatric surgery is covered by insurance, and liposuction isn’t... despite the fact that removing weight and fat from the body would be a more instant and potentially effective cure for obesity and its underlying symptoms, and being a simpler procedure overall, as well as extremely common. 

So like... why is being fat something poor people are forced to endure dangerous surgery and super long recoveries and lifetime habit changes to overcome, but rich people just get to have their fat vacuumed away? Sounds sus to me. 

[tog-centre]

10 Things to Look for When Searching for a Gynecologist

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. True for doctors in different fields. But a gynaecologist is one doctor that every woman wants to visit atleast once in her lifetime. For a good reason of course. One of your first steps as you prepare for this exciting and pivotal time in your life, pregnancy, you should be choosing the correct gynecologist in Jamaica. You must feel completely at ease with a gynaecologist, since he or she will accompany you throughout your exciting nine-month adventure, culminating in the birth of your bundle of joy.

What do they check for at the gynaecologist

Other than pregnancy or childbirth, if you're having problems with your reproductive system, such as heavy bleeding, severe cramping, or other troubling symptoms, you should see a gynecologist. Even if you're in ideal health, you should get frequent checks to make sure your reproductive organs are in good shape and stay that way.

How do I choose a good gynaecologist

Well there are two fields interwoven with this. A gynecologist is a doctor who focuses on the reproductive health of women. Obstetricians provide treatment to women during pregnancy and shortly after the birth of their child. They also give birth to children. All of these are things that an ob-gyn is trained to do. It would be ideal to visit obstetrics and gynaecology care centre Jamaica.

What should I know before going to the gynaecologist

Your ob-gyn will take care of some of your most essential health concerns, such as birth control, childbirth, and menopause. An ob-gyn can also conduct surgery for pelvic organ or urinary tract disorders, as well as screen for cancer and cure infections.

Because ob-gyns deal with such personal and delicate health matters, some women may be apprehensive about seeing one for the first time. You may be apprehensive or ashamed about allowing a doctor to examine the most intimate portions of your body. You might be hesitant to communicate your most personal concerns with an ob-gyn. In this article we will be discussing about few tips to help you choose your best gynecologist in Mandeville Jamaica.

How to find a good Gynecologist near me

Location

Considering the aspect of location is more a point of necessity than comfort. You will have to make  a monthly visit or two to your gynaecologist, so its wise to choose one which has offices at various locations in town. Obstetrics and gynaecology care centre Jamaica has offices at Spalding, Mandeville and Santa Cruz.Also consider:

Does her clinic/hospital have facilities for conducting various tests and investigations?

Does it have a pharmacy nearby?

Trust is imperative

You'll want to select someone with experience who you can trust because you'll be discussing your most private and sensitive health issues with this doctor. You wouldn't put your most private portions of your body in the hands of just anyone. That's why you should choose your ob-gyn with care.

Don't just pick a doctor's name at random from your health insurance provider list. Obtain a recommendation from a friend or family member. Find out about essential variables including the doctor's skills, experience, and bedside manner when you ask for recommendations.

Gynaecologist reviews

Read internet reviews to find out what other people have to say about your possible OB-GYN. Patient satisfaction surveys can reveal a lot about what to expect in terms of scheduling, availability, office environment, doctor approachability, and bedside manner, among other things.

A collection of patient comments and starred ratings is also available. A few negative reviews among many positive ones are probably unimportant, but hundreds of unfavorable reviews should be a major red flag.

Experience counts

Check out the credentials of the gynecologist in Jamaica while you're browsing online. You should be able to find the doctor's bio on the same websites that offer reviews, as well as on their practice's website. You should be able to see where the doctor went to medical school, how many years they've practiced, which hospital(s) they're affiliated with, and what their specialties are.

Personality:

During some of your most vulnerable moments, your gynecologist will be by your side. His or her bedside manners are really important. Is the doctor a nice guy? Is he or she upbeat and responsive? Is he/she approachable and friendly? Is he/she a good fit for you?

Every consultation takes time.

This is an essential factor since you don't want a doctor who rushes from one patient to the next without pausing. Always go for the person who is relaxed and patiently answers all of your questions.

Regardless of how busy she is, she should answer all of your questions and perform all of the necessary examinations.

Does the gynaecologist accept your insurance

When it comes to choosing a doctor, price is a major factor. If your gynecologist isn't in your network, you'll have to pay for your care out of cash, which can rapidly add up. To begin your search, check with your health plan to discover which gynecologists in your area are part of their network.

A comfortable communication

You want a doctor who will listen to you and take your concerns seriously. The best doctors don't give orders or preach to their patients; instead, they communicate with them in a two-way manner. This is the doctor who will perform your gynecologic exam and quiz you about your reproductive health in great detail. For the relationship to work, you must be entirely at ease with this individual.

Your gynecologist should be able to talk with you in simple terms. She should be able to answer all of your questions in layman's terms rather than medical jargon. She should be pleasant, kind, and attentive to your issues.

She should also keep you informed about how your pregnancy is progressing, any difficulties, and any further precautions or preparations you may require. Going to a doctor who does not communicate well with her patients is pointless.

What kind of additional access do you think you'll require?

During the week, most OB-GYN practices have conventional business hours. Is that sufficient for you, or do you require additional flexibility?

If seeing an OB-GYN during regular hours is difficult, investigate whether:

When the clinic is closed, you can reach out to an on-call doctor. When the clinic is closed, the doctor offers telemedicine services that allow you to have virtual appointments.

The doctor provides you with an online patient portal through which you can contact with them.

It saves them time and money on travel, increases communication with gynecologist in Jamaica , and aids in better health outcomes.

What are your thoughts on the practice as a whole?

Nurse practitioners and physician assistants are used by many practices to offer primary care. How well do you get along with the other doctors and nurses in the practice?

It's also important to see how the front and back office workers interact with you. They'll be the ones to contact most of the time, whether it's for arranging appointments, billing problems, or medication refills.

You might also wish to consider the practice's physical environment. Is the waiting room tidy and welcoming? Do the patient rooms appear to be well-organized and stocked? Is the equipment in good condition and appears to be reasonably new?

Where can I find a gynaecologist?

Though the clinic's appearance may appear to be trivial, it may be an indicator of how effectively the healthcare team will treat you. Finding the best gynecologist in Mandeville, Jamaica doesn't have to be stressful now that you have such a variety of information at your fingertips. And with these pointers in hand, choosing the right OB-GYN for you could be a lot easier than you think.

[softandwildx]

An important reminder to all my friends with female reproduction systems:

RESEARCH YOUR BIRTH CONTROL

There are a few companies now advertising affordable bc pills without a visit to ob/gyn or a prescription, and that can really be more harmful than helpful!

When you go to see your ob/gyn, they ask questions about how your body functions, your genetic history, and take several factors into consideration when prescribing you birth control. But also! Don't just follow your doctor blindly in the first bc they offer you! Do your research and ask why they recommend it, look at side effects and long-term effects these options may have for you.

For example: birth control pills can cause blood clotting and can be virtually ineffective for heavier adults, and can have hormone-impacting effects on teens.

IUD's may cause you to experience little to no period during it's course, but can cause hormone imbalances that result in things like excess hair growth (like thick wiry bois on your face. Fully grown women growing full beards on Mirena), skin conditions, and reduced libido. Some bodies may even reject IUDs and you can still get pregnant while on them, possibly (god forbid) causing a miscarriage.

And don't forget that birth control does NOT prevent or reduce the spread of STD's, and you SHOULD be reporting to your doctor any time you have a new partner so they can make sure you're both safe!

However, don't buy in to every scare tactic the internet has to offer you about birth control options. This is where having a trained medical professional's opinion comes into play.

There is a horrible stigma around going to our doctors but it is so important when you're sexually active, and even when you're not. Your doctor will keep up with your health history, perform mammograms and instruct you on how to do them at home, and make sure that you get the right type of birth control (there are dozens of different types) for your body and lifestyle.

American sex education, or lack thereof, creates so many myths and false truths about our bodies and how we should take care of them that it is essential that you know the true facts about your options and responsibilities to your body.

And never be afraid to ask questions! You cannot ask a question that your doctor hasn't already heard. There is no stupid question, there is no wrong question. They can only help us when we are open and honest with them, and they've heard every lie a boy has told you to get laid and every wive's tale your grandmother taught you, and they will set the record straight.

In light of all this, I know some people still can't or won't go to a doctor. If you aren't able to see a doctor for whatever reason, then please just do your research. Ask your friends about their experiences, look up different brand names you hear, search specifically for side effects of abc birth control in people with xyz conditions.

Just be safe!!