#however. marti and nico are the softest of the soft and i love them with all my heart

[alamanyar]

joy; a skam italia fanfic

words: 6.391 character’s pov: martino ships: martino x niccolò; martino & mamma rametta, martino & giovanni summary: a glimpse into the near future of martino’s life and his relationships with the people he cares most about. it’s funny, he feels like the luckiest boy in the world, and yet he worries about not being good enough.

disclaimer: english is not my mother tongue. i hope there won’t be any grave mistakes that will make you turn away from the story. if it’s the story(-line), then fine, that’s fair enough, but yeah i hope i didn’t embarrass myself. enjoy :’)

joy ☆．。．:*･° It’s been a couple of weeks into the New Year and Martino couldn’t be happier. It seemed as if life finally made sense, as cheesy as it sounded; and yet. Most of the time, he found himself living in a content bubble. There was his new found identity, which gave him so much energy- sometimes he didn’t know what to do with it. His relationship with his mother kept improving with every day and he didn’t lie to his friends anymore. Well, only if it had something to do with Niccolò. He couldn’t count the times they had sneaked off to the bathroom on the second floor of the school building. They even ditched some meet-ups with the boys, because they rather stayed home to spend time alone together. But other than that, there was no need to lie anymore. Martino liked boys and he liked one boy especially. Nico never failed to keep him on his toes. He was quirky and challenging and he came up with the weirdest ideas. In January they had gone to the Villa Borghese gardens and when Nico unpacked his drawing tools, he spotted a marble statue he wanted to sketch− together with Martino in the picture. After a couple of minutes of ridiculous arguments, he gave in: Nico, with that smug look on his face kept drawing for what seemed like hours. His boyfriend always ended up directing him to pose like this or that, but mostly it was just fun, and watching him get excited over it was an expierence he would cherish forever. He only called it a day, when he started to freeze his ass off, after all, it was winter and all this posing and standing didn’t keep him warm. So basically, whenever he thought the boy he was lucky enough to be with had a weird idea, he ended up loving the idea. Easily.Nico embodied what he called loveable energy, sometimes lovable asshole energy, to add, and Martino wouldn’t have it any other way. He liked Nico the way he was. However, at the beginning of Feburary, his boyfriend started appearing a little bit uneasy. He didn’t get that far to call him restless, but he was somewhat alarmed. Actually, he always worried about him in the back of his head, but he could tone down the worry most of the time and just be a normal supportive boyfriend. Whatever normal was supposed to mean. He didn’t mention anything, because he felt like he would put pressure on him by doing so. And that was the last thing he wanted to do, so he remained silent and hoped being here with him was enough. On the last day of school into the second week of February, they went to his house to relax. They had no plans with the boys, so they decided to keep it quit. Nico was sketching on his bed while he sat on his desk researching for the Radio. Never in a million years had he thought that his Friday afternoons could come close to something like this. The thing was, they had talked about the new topic “Age of Discovery” for the Radio on the way to his house. Nico was hooked on geographical maps at once. There was something about getting lost in the imagination to go anywhere he wanted, even if it was only in his mind. Martino could understand that well. His mind had often drifted off to an imaginary world where there was no need to worry about coming out. A place where it didn’t matter whom he loved. A place where everything was easier to handle. But now that he was with Nico, he didn’t dream to escape from the real world anymore, only if it meant going someplace together with him. Perhaps that was why he ended up reading articles about the discovery of magnetic compasses and how it changed the world of navigation. He found that oddly fascinating. One day, he hoped they could navigate a ship together. There wouldn’t be need for compasses, for they were guiding each other. Just like now. Between Nico’s pencil flying over the sketchbook and his occasional typing on the keyboard, while Vespa noises interloped through the open window dancing together with indie music softly playing in the background. He floated through space it seemed, until he noticed Nico had stopped sketching eventually. He turned around from his desk and saw that his boyfriend had dozed off. He was lying on his side, drawing utensils still in his hand. A tiny bundle of black hair, halfway wrapped up. Martino wasn’t sure how long they had worked on their respective things, he kind of had lost track on time, but it obviously had been tiring for Nico. Or maybe, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, Nico was more tired than usual. And that could mean something else was up. He tried to burry that thought. Vehemently. Just stay calm, he told himself. Pay attention, but stay calm. He was starting to get hungry, but he wanted to lie down beside Nico for a while, so he went to his side of the bed and mirrored his boyfriend’s position. He was intent not to wake him when he got under the covers, but when he carefully took sketchbook and pencil from his grip, Nico mumbled something unintelligibly. “You were saying?” “Nothing.” “Oh? Then I have a ghost lying in my bed?” “Funny.” Marti chuckled and moved closer. He nuzzled his nose against Nico’s and kissed it softly. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk. I can just sleep, too." “I wasn’t sleeping.” Then, after a pause. “I’m sorry.” “What for?” He nudged his shoulder gingerly. “I’m not really talkative today.” “What are you saying? We’ve talked.” “Not really since we got here.” “So?” Nico exhaled loudly. “You don’t have to talk all the time. Or do stuff. You know we can just lie here together.“ “You’re not worried?” “Why should I be worried?” He tried to sound causally, but instantly felt a rush spreading out on his cheeks. “That I’ve been sleepy lately.” “So you think I should?” “I don’t know, Marti. I don’t−” “Hey.” He put sketchbook and pencil under his pillow and started caressing his boyfriend’s cheek. “I don’t mind.” “What if, what if−” He listened to Nico struggling to get the words out. He knew, he knew what he was about to say. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear it. When Nico suffered, something deep inside of him stired. He continued stroking his cheek and witnessed a tear coming out of his eye. If there was a possibility to give him the world, he’d outright do it. “Hey, com’ere”, he mumbled and drew Nico to his chest. “Tell me. Are you worried?” “I’m worried about hurting you”, he half-whispered in reply. “Why?” “Because I already have. It could happen again. ”“That’s in the past. And if, you wouldn’t do it deliberately.” He planted a kiss on the top of Nico’s head and let his lips linger there for a while. “What if I do it again?” He felt his boyfriend disappear into his chest, as if he wanted to hide there and never face the real world again. Never face his fears and worries. He hugged him a little bit tighter and started to draw lazy circles on his back. “I don’t know. Let’s not worry too much about that, okay?” After a while, a hoarse whimper escaped Nico lips. “I don’t want to draw you into my mess.” “Don’t be ridiculous. I happen to like your mess.” Nico chuckled. It was soft, almost not audible. Maybe it happened out of pity. But it was there.Baby steps, he reminded himself. “You’re too good to me. You’re too good for me”, he heard him mumble drozily. “Well, I don’t think there exists something like being too good, but I’ll take the compliment, thank you.” Nico answered him with what appeared to be a failed nudge into his chest, followed by a deep grumble of him and then, a ghost of a kiss, planted where his heart was supposed to be. His hand found the back of Nico’s hair and he started running his fingers through them. “It’s okay, just sleep for a bit, hm?” After a while, Martino went back to drawing circles on his back. Lines and curves and what not followed, until he felt Nico fall asleep on his chest, breathing steadily with his face burried in the crook of his neck. He continued to hold him, yet when his stomach started making low rumble noises, he carefully untangled himself from Nico’s embrace. He made sure his boyfriend was covered comfortably when he left his room. ☆．。．:*･° He found his mother in the kitchen, who seemed to look for something inside of the fridge. “Hey ma”, he greeted. She turned around and gave him a smile. “Hey you.” “What are you looking for?” He pointed to the fridge. “Well something we can have for dinner. I don’t think we have enough for the three of us.” “No? Well, I don’t think Nico will eat with us today.” “He left without saying good-bye?” “No, no, he’s sleeping”, he calmed his mother down who was definitely shocked of the mere possibility. He grunted. “Why are you laughing, eh?” “No, I’m sorry. It’s just your face.” “Ah, so my face is funny now, too?” She laughed now as well, and he couldn’t help but crack up.“You know what?” “No, tell me.” “I’m happy you were offended that he’d leave without saying good-bye.” “Well, it’s not like him to do something like that, is it?” “No yeah, it really isn’t. It’s good to, uh, it’s good to see you get along well.” “He makes it rather easy. That boyfriend of yours and his charm. It’s really something.” “Yeah.” He looked down, grinning from ear to ear, before he lifted his head up again, looking at his mother, who was still standing in front of the fridge with her face aligned to him. She looked content. It was his favourite look on her, without a doubt. If only he could make it to never go away. “So listen, you don’t think he’ll be hungry when he wakes up? I could rush down to Samir to get some more ingredients.” “I’m not sure he will wake up anytime soon. He seemed really out of it. He’s probably sleeping through the night.” “Rough day at school?” “I’m not sure. More like a rough week, I think.” His mother closed the fridge and walked over to him still standing in the door. “What’s up, my love?”, she asked carefully, but with this fierceness of her that made him shiver. It was typical of his mother to know that there was something up with him and sometimes he wished she wasn’t capable to read him like a book. But she was, and so they were standing on the treshold looking at each other when he felt his eyes swell up with tears. He gulped. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine, Marti, just tell me.” She caressed his cheek and he gave in, cautiously at first, and then, an instant later, he hugged her to his chest. “Ouuff!” „Sorry. Sorry, ma” he breathed out. There was only dry air in his lungs. At least it felt like it. „No, no, it’s okay. Come, sit down.“ She tried to guide him to the table in the living room, but he held on to her. „Hey, hey“, his mother tried calming him down stroking his back and some short time later his hair. He suppressed a sob and only as he gained control of his breathing, he was ready to let go. After they settled down at the table, chairs facing each other, his mother took his hand and stroked it gently. It felt as if minutes passed until he could talk. „I’m… I’m worried he’s not feeling good. That… that something’s not right again and that I… that I can’t do anything to help him.” He suppressed another sob and looked into his mother eyes which a part of him regretted since she looked back at him worriedly. He had promised not to worry her anymore, didn’t he? Why couldn’t he keep his damn promise? „Marti, oh, my boy.” She enclosed his hands with her own, giving them a squeeze. „You’re doing enough, believe me. Your’re so good with him. Don’t doubt yourself, okay?” He tried to answer with a nod, but he was absolutely sure he failed regarding in that aspect, and so he gave his mother’s hand a little squeeze, so she’d know he had heard her at least. „Ma, I have been terrible to you when you were… suffering. And I’m so sorry for treating you badly then. I hope you know that.” He touched his brow and rubbed over the tiny hairs there to gather himself. He didn’t dare look at his mother. He was certain, he wouldn’t continue talking; so he straightened his back a little and carried forward. “I’m trying to-to be optimistic now, but what if he gets sick of that? What do I do when that’s not helping? Maybe I don’t understand him enough. I want to make him feel better and I know I can’t really do that, you know? It’s not up to me. Not entirely anyway.” He put his hand back on his thigh and immediately found it enveloped in his mother’s hand. „Marti, you’re doing wonderfully, believe me. Nico appreciates everything you do; I can see it in his eyes. If you are afraid, you’re being too optimistic or whatever it is, you can ask him. But listen, what matters most is that you stay true to yourself while trying to help him, okay? I think he wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping in your bed right now, if there was a problem with what you’re doing.” „You really think that?” He finally looked up and found his mother gazing at him. She beamed with certainty. „I do. He can be himself here with you and that is all the answer you need. At least to me.” „He thinks he’s getting me down with his moods. With his disorder.” He wiped away a tear. And another. „Well, that’s normal I think. I mean, he’s afraid he’ll drown you with his sorrow and he wants to protect you from that. But those are moments he has, you know, it’s not always like that. He doesn’t have those kind of thoughts all the time. He doesn’t want to lose you, sure, but mostly, he just wants to feel better.” He glanced at his mother, who was giving him an encouraging nod.„Do you feel like that, too? When you are being down?“ She took a moment to answer. „Well, I always feel a heavy amount of regret. It is as if I have no control over disappointing people, especially you. I feel like I’m letting you down. I feel ashamed that I don’t have the power to make myself happy.“ He squeezed her hands. “You know, it isn’t your fault.“„And it isn’t Nico’s fault, nor yours. There’s nothing at fault here. It is what it is.“ He pondered a while over his mother’s words while she losened her grip on his hand. A moment later, he felt her caressing his cheek. It tickled. He smiled at her. „You really think I’m doing the right thing? Maybe I could be more thoughful?“ She softly tugged at some of his loose curls, before she brushed them to the side. „If you ask me that, then I think you’re precisely in the right place.“ He frowned at her. „Listen, ma, I know you understand Martinese, but I’m not sure I understand your own version of it.“ „Oh you little shithead.“ She pinched him in the cheek which he answered with a fake cry of hurt, more or less. „Listen, you are questioning whether you’re reacting correctly or not and I think that says it all. I am positive you shouldn’t change your behaviour, but I don’t have an answer to everything. So, I’d say go ask him, if you find the courage.“ „Okay.“„That boy of your needs reassurance. He doubts he’s not good enough for you… when he has these moments, alright? And I know it’s not always easy reassuring someone, especially those who are closest to you, but try to remember, he doesn’t do it in order to hurt or annoy you.“ „I think I understand what you mean.“ He gave his mother a little smile. „Marti?“ „Yes?“ She was at his hair again, before she took his face into her hands. „I’m so proud of you. I hope you know that. I haven’t said it often enough I think, and I’m sorry. But I am so very proud of you.” She nodded as if to support her message. “My brave boy.” He sensed a sudden warmth spreading out on his back and on his cheek. It flowed through his whole body, almost igniting him with fire.„Ma…“ He felt tears on his cheek, running to the corner of his mouth in speedlight. She gave him a kiss to the forhead and he almost lost the rest of his self-restraint. If it weren’t for her firm grip, he would have melted right on the spot, tumbling to the ground. „Let’s have dinner, yes? What do you say to pasta with pesto? There are enough ingredients to make it. We can always leave enough for Nico, if he decides to eat later.“ He hadn’t regained his composure yet, so he just nodded. When his mother stood up to leave for the kitchen, he tugged at her hands. „What is it? You don’t want to have pesto tonight?“ He smiled sheepishly. „You know I could eat that kind of pasta every night.“ „Well?“, she asked with a chuckle. He gave her hand a squeeze, something he had done quite a lot tonight, but this wasn’t one made of gratitude. He took a deep breath, and then, with as much wholeheartedness he was able to manage, he told her what he wished he had told her more frequently. “Ma, you’re the best mom one could hope for. I hope you know that. I love you, I really do. With all my heart.“ It’s funny, he thought, when he noticed the tears forming in her eyelids, he never felt more happy to have said those words. Never more grateful. For his mother’s eyes were shining with bliss. "Marti..."He stood up. „Okay, I think we cried enough for the day. And I’m really starving by the way. All this talk about my fave pasta?“ „Let’s make dinner, then", she nodded, still regaining her composure. „You know, we could also watch something together.“ „Sure, if you feel like it.“ „Okay, but not this weird show you’ve been telling me about. I don’t wanna watch that.“ „And what do you wish to watch?“ „I don’t know.“ „Well, let’s talk this over, then.“ They walked back into the kitchen and started preparing everything for his favourite pasta. He sensed her glancing at him from time to time and he almost called her out on it, when she invaded his space − yet again − to give him another kiss on the cheek, telling him how much she loved him back and that he meant the world to her. Not with despair like it happened so many weeks ago, but with serenity and sincerity. Had his relationship with his mother ever been this good? Maybe, when he was still a child, he didn’t remember anymore. He wished he had been a lot nicer to her on many occasions, but maybe they were meant to lose their connection for a while. Just so they could be there for each other at this given moment. He knew he’d never dare hurt her again as he used to. He’d never hurt anyone like that again. He vowed this silently to himself, when he pestled the basil in the mortar. ☆．。．:*･° His mom had dozed off here and there into the third episode of ‘Medici: Masters of Florence.’ There were some scenes he’d rather had not watched with his mother being in the room, but other than that he enjoyed the storyline of the show. The Medici’s ambitions were inspiring and a bit scary at the same time. The visuals were breathtaking and Cosimo de’ Medici reminded him a bit of Nico. They both were attracted to art. In this dream-like kind of way, almost dissolving, yet always hungry for more. On the one hand he wanted to continue watching the show, but his mother had to go to bed and he himself felt getting tired as well. It also had been a while since he’d checked up on Nico and he had a guilty conscience about it. So, he wished his mother a good night’s sleep and started tidying up the kitchen. Just as he had finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher, his phone buzzed. It was Giovanni. {-Hey bro, what’s up? We spontaneously went out to this bar we talked about earlier. Do you guys wanna come? Luchì is already drunk as fuck. He is making weird dancing moves.-} Enclosed was a picture of Luca with what appeared to be coasters on his head. His friend’s hair was sticking out in all directions. He suppressed a chuckle and started typing a reply. No, fuck it, he thought and dialed his best friend’s number. “Pronto?” “Hey, what did you do to Luchì?” “Nothing! I swear! He just gets drunk super fast, you know that.” He heard Elia in the background bellowing profanities. “Alright alright, I believe you.” “So? The bar isn’t far from your house. You could be here in twenty minutes.” A pause. “If you guys want. I mean, is Nico still at your place?” “Yeah. Yeah he is. He’s sleeping though.” “Ah okay. Everything alright?” “Not sure.” “What’s up?” “For now he’s just tired, I think.” “You need anything?” He was leaning against the counter and took some time to answer. Shit, he really had the greatest best friend in the world. “Yo, you’re still there?” “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I’m not... I’m not sure what you could do? I’m gonna go to bed soon, you know.” “Okay, bro. I’m sorry.” “What? Don’t worry.” “No, yeah, I mean we haven’t been here long. It kind of escalated quickly. I wanted to call you earlier, but I didn’t want to interrupt you guys or anything.” “Interrupt us?”' “Yeah, I wasn’t sure what you guys were up to today, so.” He cleared his throat. “No, we were just- we weren’t really doing anything. Nico was drawing and I− wait, did you think you could interrupt us during sex?” He heard Giovanni making a weird voice, he wasn’t sure what exactly it was, but it sounded weird. “Like I’d be able to answer the phone then.” Giovanni snorted with laughter. “Sorry, bro. No. I mean yes, I’m not sure. I guess I just wanted to give you some space.” “Wait, why?” “I don’t know. I just− we’ve been doing a lot of stuff together. You know, with Nico, too. And I know you guys sometimes wanna hang out together just the two of you.” “Okay, but we already do that. I’m not sure I’m following you here.” “Listen, man−“ He heard Luca and Elia giggling in the background. “Wait a sec.” After a couple of seconds later, Giovanni was back at the other end of the phone, chuckling. He felt a weird knot in his stomach. They seemed to have fun. He spent many wicked nights just doing shit with the boys which he supposed they were doing now. It wasn’t as if he wanted to join them. Perhaps he did, but not like this. Not with Nico sleeping in his room or maybe not sleeping, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps he was twisting and turning under the blankets right now, hell, he didn’t know. If the day had been different, Nico would be standing with him in the kitchen, listening to the conversation and probably dragging him out to join the boys this instant. “Yo, bro, what is it with you and your pauses today?” “Sorry! I didn’t know you were back in the line.” Giovanni breathed into the ear cap audibly. “What’s up, Marti? I can hear you think.” “Oh God, you’re so annoying, you know that?”, he blurted out. “Come on, bro. Just tell me.” “It’s nothing. And by the way, you haven’t answered me yet.”Giovanni seemed to think about what he meant for a second, but he was quickly back on track. “Ah, about earlier. Well, I didn’t want to interrupt you guys, because I thought it was possible Nico would just sleep at yours. Like, I don’t know man, he looked fucking exhausted earlier.” “Yeah?” “Listen, it was obvious. And I know you noticed that. Of course, you did. And I respect that you don’t want to talk about his health with us. Or me.” “I’m not- I’m not excluding you, am I?” He touched his chin and rubbed over the skin a bit. “What? No, no, bro. Forget it.” “I’m not sure what’s happening right now anyway, but look, I’m sorry, if I am being weird about it.” “You’re not, relax. I mean it’s not that we don’t talk about it at all, you know? It’s all good. But just so you know, I know something’s up with you, too. And you can talk to me about it- if you want.” It was really obscure. He felt tears forming in his eyes for – he didn’t know for how many times – of the day. Giovanni continued talking. “You know, if you’re not sure what’s happening with Nico right now, why don’t you ask him? He won’t get weird about it. You talk about this stuff, right? Listen, he’s not gonna run away, because you’re not sure what’s up with him. Like this is so typical of you−“ “Fuck, you’re like my mom, I swear”, he interrupted his best friend. “I’m sorry, WHAT?” Giovanni failed to sound offended, he could clearly hear the amusement in his best friend’s voice. “Yeah. She told me something similar earlier. Like she thinks I’m handling it fine and all that, but I’m not sure.” “Well, she’s right. You know, you should listen to her all the time, dickhead.” “Fuck you.” “Right back at ya. So, maybe we can hang out tomorrow or on Sunday.” “Yeah, sure. What about FIFA? I think you need a nice lose.” “Hilarious. Listen, Elia started doing weird stuff now, too.” “Well, good to know a mom is with−“ “Fuck you! You better have called Nico’s mom, remember when−“ “I did that earlier, thank you very much.” His best friend chuckled at the other side of the line. “Okay. Later, bro.” “Giò?” “Yeah?” “Thanks, man.” “Welcome.” “Say hi to the guys.” “I will. Ciao, bro.” “Ciao.” As soon has they had ended the call, a sudden burst of fear hit him hard. It was something Giovanni had said and he lost track of his breathing just thinking about it. What the hell, Martino. Get it together. He managed to clean up the rest of the kitchen. He didn’t know how he did it, his mind kept going back to Giovanni’s words. Come on, you can do it. Face it. He went to brush his teeth in the bathroom and splashed water in his face. When he looked into the mirror, he didn’t like what he saw. He felt tired and that was exactly how he looked. Whatever he had to face, he couldn’t face it in this state. His phone buzzed on his way to his room and with a quick glance he saw that he had received a message from Filippo.j his can wait until morning, he thought, but ultimately decided against it. Filo had been a rock for him on many occasions. He was there for him when he was left all alone in Milan, and maybe it was his anxiety talking right then, but if it was an emergency, he’d never forgive himself. So, when he opened the message with a picture of a brown-haired man with the caption {-Whatcha think?-}, he breathed out a somewhat pathetic sound of relief. Goddamn, get it together. He replied with {-about to fall asleep. but he’d look good with you x-} and then muted his phone. Before he pressed down the doorknob, he breathed in and out a couple of times. His room was painted in low light since he didn’t turn off the lamp on his desk when he left earlier. Nico was lying on his belly with a pillow tucked underneath his torso. His dark curls were slightly illuminated and he took his time to look at him. His boyfriend had moved closer to the left side of the bed which he tended to do when he slept alone. His stomach made a flip. He felt a lot of things at the same time. Sadness, surely, because Nico wasn’t feeling so well. But most of all, he felt gratitude. Nico was here, lying in his bed. It was a miracle. Nico was his miracle. He continued standing in the exact same spot for a couple of minutes just looking at the beautiful sight in front of him. He was also waiting for the tears to stop. Quietly, he had started crying again. He wasn’t sure what it was that made him spill those many tears today, but they kept coming out of his eyelids with no restraint whatsoever. Maybe he stayed there for five minutes, maybe ten minutes passed until he moved to his closet to change into his pyjamas, he couldn’t tell. He thought about lying down in his nook beside the window, because he was afraid he’d wake up Nico when he’d join him under the blanket. It was just that he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Which felt strange to say the least. Any other night, he would just lay down next to Nico no questions asked, but tonight it all felt so fragile. While he was grateful that Nico was here with him, he was also afraid. I don’t wanna lose him. His brain really went nuts today, he thought, as he tried shaking off any feeling of trepidation. With caution, he finally slipped under the blanket and waited to get warm. He arranged the pillow a bit and felt something poking his head. Nico’s sketchbook and his pencil. Right, he had put them there earlier. He fetched them and placed them on his bedside cabinet, with the pencil inside the book. It made the pages stick out a bit and he could catch a glance of what appeared to be a thread trailing through mountains? That’s what it looked like. He moved a bit closer to the bedside cabinet, when he heard Nico move. “Hey, whatcha doing? Stealing glances at forbidden goods?”, he teased groggily. “Hey, no. I−I was just putting your stuff away. It’s not very comfortable sleeping with them under my pillow, you know?” “You’re such a liar.” “You know nothing”, he answered and moved back to lay on his side, looking at his boyfriend. “Hey.” He touched his cheek cautiously and rubbed his thumb over the skin a bit. “Hey.” Nico put the pillow under his head, smiling sleepily, before he took his hand and enveloped it in his own. “How are you feeling?” “Exhausted.” “What can I do?”Nico kissed his hand which took him somewhat by surprise. He wasn’t sure why. “You’re already doing enough.” “Yeah?” “You’re like a fresh ocean’s breeze on a hot summer’s day.” He chuckled at his words. “How’s that?” “Well, you know that feeling, when it gets so hot during the summer you struggle breathing? And you’re looking for something to cool down? You’re at the beach or making a stop at a bar trying to escape from the dry air on the streets. And when a breeze brushes your face, it’s the best feeling in the world. It makes you feel alive again.” Nico pressed a kiss into the palm of his hand. His lips stayed there for a while, until he spoke again. “And you’re that breeze that never fades away that day entirely. Or on any day. You always come back.” Nico’s words left him stunned. He wasn’t as eloquent as him, so he did the only thing he could think of in that moment. With as much gentleness as he could muster, he rolled on top of Nico and took his head into his hands, balancing his weight with his elbows. He started with a kiss on his forehead. The soft skin under his eyes were next. “You know, I’d never leave in the first place.” He then kissed his nose, his upper lip, his cheeks, and finally, a kiss fully on the lips, hoping Nico could feel the promise he'd just given him. “If you don’t want me to leave, I won’t.” He smiled timidly at his boyfriend and then he positioned himself back on his side. Nico grabbed at his hand. “If I don’t want you to?” “Yeah.” “Marti, why should I want that? Why should I want you to leave?” He saw confusion in Nico’s eyes and he could have kicked himself. “Yeah, I mean…” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know. I- sometimes I’m afraid I’m doing something wrong... or you know, choose the wrong words. Maybe I’m too cheerful when you’re feeling down, maybe that will annoy you sooner or later, maybe I’m not thoughtful−“ “I can’t believe you’d say something like that. You absolute idiot.” He stayed silent and just looked at Nico who wore an incredulous look on his face. “Have I given you the impression that I don’t appreciate what you do? For me? I’m so incredibly thankful for everything; you have to know that, Marti. I know I’m impossible to handle at times, but I swear, I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. I swear…there’s no way I’d want you to leave. I swear…” He listened to Nico’s accelerated breathing and felt like the dumbest idiot. “I’m sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “You did nothing wrong. It’s me. It’s my brain that thinks I’m not being good enough. I’m sorry.” He choked back tears. Nico mirrored his position without letting go of their entwined hands. “Marti…” “I’m sorry I put this weight on you, Ni. It wasn’t my intention. I just, sometimes I feel a little helpless. I haven’t handled my mother’s depression very well. I’ve been mean to her. I can’t be mean to you. I don’t ever wanna be mean to anybody again.” Nico moved closer to him until he could lay his head on top of his upper body. “You’re not, I promise.” He took a deep breath. “Hey, would you do me a favour?” A nod. “If I ever say something weird or inappropriate about your mental health and I’m too dumb to notice, will you tell me?” Nico puffed out a bit of air. “Okay. But there won’t be need to.” “Well, I've done it in the past. So, you never know, right.” "Marti, amore..." "I still need to learn a few things, I know that." He felt feather-light caresses roaming over his chest. He took a moment to breathe it all in, and then his hand wandered to the back of Nico’s head and he started messaging his skin there. “That’s nice. You’re nice,” Nico mumbled after a while. “Well, I hope so. You’re not too bad either, you know.” He traced the shape of a heart, but the hair made it difficult. “Good to know.” His boyfriend emerged from his position somewhere between his upper body and upper arm. It was a good thing he hadn’t turned off the light, for Nico was full on grinning one of his extra bright smiles he seemed to reserve for him only. “I’m very much in love with you.” He felt the corner of his mouth skyrocket. “Ni, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He moved down to him so he could capture his lips with his own. Nico’s arm wandered to his shoulder where he tugged at his shirt. Soon, his boyfriend caressed his neck with his thumb and he sensed this incredible sensation there that also made his toes curl.Nico's thumb wandered to his jawline, when he suddenly stopped. “Marti, you’re crying.” “I am?” They looked at each other and Nico started tracing his tears with a worried expression. “Ni.” “Marti, don’t cry.” “Ni, look at me.” He complied with his request, yet still carrying worry in his eyes. “Those are tears of joy, Ni.” There was something ghost-like in Nico’s expression, when he looked into his eyes, but they softened rather quickly.“Yeah?” “Yeah.” “Tears of joy?” “Tears of joy”, he chuckled. “Okay, that’s good, right?” A hesitant smile. “I suppose it is.” “Those are tears” – he traced the path of them on his cheek – “tears of joy, because you’re so godamn lucky you’re with me?” It wasn’t really a question, more like a challenge. Nico looked smug. He smiled benignly. “Yeah, just like I said, dumbass.” And Nico’s body trembled of laughter. Softly, because it was a long day and he still looked very exhausted, but when his laughter emerged from deep inside of his belly, well, it was his favourite sound and he’d do anything to hear it. See it. Feel it. He tugged at Nico’s arm. “Come on, let’s sleep.” “You’re bossy today.” “Oh? But it’s part of my job, remember?” He felt Nico wrap himself up on his upper body again. “I don’t want you to think of this as a job, you know.” “I don’t see it like that. I’d never treat you like that. You know that, right? This is just my dumb humour.” “Ah, here we are. You finally admit you’ve got a weird sense of humour.” “Ha. Just go to sleep will you.” “You’re really something, huh?” Nico’s words became slurred again. He hugged him tight to his chest feeling his own exhaustion wash over him. “We’ll talk tomorrow if you want. Maybe I have a question or two for you.” “Sure. But don’t cry again, okay?” “I’ll try.” “Only tears of joy, Marti.” “Okay, Ni.” “Goodnight." “Goodnight." He gave him a kiss on top of his head. "Sleep well.” He sensed a kiss grazing his neck and a sigh escaped his lips. It was fascinating how fast Nico fell asleep on his chest. It didn’t take long and he was listening to his steady breathing. While he was tired out himself, he didn’t fell asleep right away. No, he concentrated on Nico’s breathing instead which made the rest of his uneasiness disappear bit by bit. He drew circles on his back occasionally thinking how lucky he was that he could be here with him. Tomorrow, they could talk more seriously, if Nico was up for it. Perhaps he’d been a bit overprotective. But he didn’t want to think about that anymore. There was no rush. The boy he fell in love with last autumn was lying in his arms and all was good in the world again. He turned his head so he could lay it down on Nico’s, and right before he drifted off, he sensed wetness emerging from his eyes. But he smiled. He smiled, because those weren’t tears of sadness. Not at all, no. ☆．。．:*･° fin ☆．。．:*･°